You might not know this, but Spooks is actually based on my life.

When I was at university, I was approached by a mysterious man who identified himself as being from MI5. Of course, we’d all seen him wanking in the bushes outside the girls changing rooms. But he explained that this was merely his cover story.

Anyway, he informed me that for just £10 a week I could join the British Secret Service and serve my country. From then on, I was always aware of a shadowy figure keenly monitoring my every move – especially when I was waiting for my girlfriend outside her keep-fit class on Tuesdays. But enough fascinating espionage stories … to Spooks.

This first episode of series seven saw them killing-off yet another of their main characters, in what is by now standard operating procedure for this show. In addition, an old team member previously thought ‘dead’ is back in the game. There’s hardly any regular characters left now, but we still have:

Adam Carter – that ugly bastard all the girlies drool over. I guess he gets the sympathy shag, poor devil.

Harry Pierce – the stiff-upper-lip head of the team. Underneath we all know he’s just a big loveable jessie.

Malcolm – the techno-geek. A cross between a slightly younger Q and a middle-aged, virgin librarian.

Roz – that scrawny bird who looks and acts like the Predator. Scary and bony and ruthless, she’s pretty convincing as the sort of psychopath who might do this kind of thing in real-life.

Lucas North – The new boy, played by Harry Potter lookalike Richard Armitage. His character has seemingly just spent eight years in a Russian prison. He appears to have spent his time inside getting loads of weird sexuality-bending tatoos all over his body. Like that’s going to help when he goes undercover as a stockbroker. ‘Our cleaner Natasha knows this Chechen warlord, marvelous chap, did them in a weekend. That one above my nipples says “Gullible wealthy twat” apparently. He’s such a character.’ 

Connie Jones – the old rheumy-eyed bird based back at HQ. Very much a nod to John Le Carre and probably the only one who looks and acts like an actual spook does.

Miss/Mister X – back from the dead.

I miss Jenny Agutter. And wee Zoe. And that posh bint that was married to Adam. And Tim McInnery as the evil head of MI6. I don’t miss Tom Quinn though. He was just an annoying bastard and I’m glad he’s dead.

That’s my MI5 training you see. We’re taught not to care. Thankfully, such brutal cold-heartedness comes in handy when reviewing tv shows.

Hokum. But enjoyable enough to see us through the cold November nights.

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75 Responses to “Spooks”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    Never seen it. And I feel like I’d have a lot of time to make up if I were to go back to the beginning.

    I’m more concerned with whether Libby will end up going to Oxbridge and leave poor Darren behind. Obviously them continuing the relationship will be impossible, despite the fact Darren has a car. Yes – the only logical solution is for them to run away.

    Also, did anyone see East London’s most unrealistic policeman last night?

  2. Swineshead Says:

    And I’m also pleased to announce an early victor for the Google Search Term Of The Day award!

    Congratulations to Speedy Gonzales who scoops the prize with his amusing…

    big teets

    …keyword search. Sadly, whilst looking for a big pair of nips to feast his eyes on he came across us talking about Su Pollard, Jonathan Ross and Dairylea sandwiches.

  3. ugeine Says:

    ‘roz – that scrawny bird who looks and acts like the Predator. Scary and bony and ruthless, she’s pretty convincing as the sort of psychopath who might do this kind of thing in real-life.’

    I wondered where she went after Everyones Connected! Good to see she landed Ok.

  4. Toothed Varmint Says:

    It’s always very funny (and a bit frustrating) watching British (and American) productions featuring Russians. It’s never quite right. Sometimes it is kind of passable, like in the last Kronenberg film, where Viggo Mortensen’s Russian was pretty good and his underworld tattoos looked sort of authentic. But most of the times it’s just bollocks – starting with surnames.
    I know I’m nitpicking, but bear with me. The main Russian spymaster is called Kachimov. This surname probably looks Russian to you but isn’t really. It doesn’t sound quite right, like it was invented by a non-Russian writer, which it certainly was. It’s just like having an English character named Edwirds or Clork. Kuchumov would have been correct, even Kuchimov, but not Kachimov. I know it’s a small thing, but it’s everywhere – Russian characters are always named wrong. Is it difficult to find proper Russian names on the internets?
    Anyway, what about Lucas North’s “Russian prison tattoos”? Now, that really made me laugh. It’s just so wrong on all levels. Firstly – he wouldn’t have any prison tattoos because he isn’t Russian. He wouldn’t be in the same prison with Russians, secondly…
    Shall I go on? I can, you know. Loads of things. But I really don’t want to become a bore. And I easily could on this subject.

  5. A Female who is definitely not ugeine (not at all) Says:

    Go for it TV, I always find this kind of stuff quite interesting.

  6. ugeine Says:

    fucks sake, why aren’t i logged in all of a sudden?

  7. Swineshead Says:

    Viggo Mortensen’s Russian was pretty good and his underworld tattoos looked sort of authentic. But most of the times it’s just bollocks – starting with surnames.

    I’m glad the Russian aspect was convincing. Anything that was meant to be British in that overrated film was completely lacking authenticity – especially the ‘football fan’ scene. Made me cringe, did that.

  8. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Swineshead, well, maybe not REALLY convincing, but better than the norm. Viggo really sounded not bad, like he had a Latvian accent, and as I say, his tattoos looked authentic (they are from a book by the way, one can find this book in Soho Bookshop, it costs 11 quid). The rest of Eastern Promises was bullshit, but these two aspects were allright.

  9. Swineshead Says:

    History of Violence and Eastern Promises both have nothing on stuff like Videodrome and Scanners…

    Speaking of horror, anyone see part 2 of Dead Set? It took half an hour for three scenes. The slowest zombie movie in history.

  10. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Continuing with Lucas North’s tattoos – as I say, he wouldn’t have had them (no need, he was not a member of Russian underworld, he was a British spy and as such would have spent his time in a special prison) and secondly – if he had decided to have soome Russian prison tattoos, he chose the wrong tattooist. His tats were crap. Latin mottos? Dum Spiro Spero? And what was it on his back? Looked like 8 cross-topped onions? I know what the authors wanted to convey – 8 church domes, each representing a year in prison. But the thing is – they were drawn all wrong and what’s more – only high-ranking bandits and jailbirds can have church-domes tattood on them…
    Shit, I’m boring myself now. Trust me, there’s loads of shitty things like that in Spooks.
    But that’s not the reason I despise the show so though, oh no.

  11. Dave Says:

    The very fact the show’s called Spooks puts me off. Always has.

  12. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I liked (and continue to like) A History of Violence, I think it’s a cracking little thriller. But yeah, it’s Kronenberg gone mainstream, no doubt.

  13. Swineshead Says:

    HoV was better than yer standard Hollywood thriller, no doubt. But it felt a little bit empty, eh?

  14. Dave Says:

    I just don’t think getting a French lager to direct your film will ever be a wise idea. Even if they do make the bubbles like Scandinavian chocolatiers! What a fun advert that is.

    I’ll be here all day…as SH has learned to his cost.

  15. Toothed Varmint Says:

    A little empty, yes. A little restrained. Like Kronenberg mellowed out.

  16. indy Says:

    sweden – proud providers of “russians” since 1980-something. dolph lundgren, stellan skarsgård and peter stormare.

    i was a bit annoyed when cronenberg went with a dane in “eastern promises”.

  17. Swineshead Says:

    Dolph Lundgren went out with Grace Jones at one point. Imagine how many beds they broke.

  18. Toothed Varmint Says:

    >Imagine how many beds they broke.
    And that’s just fighting each other.

  19. Dave Says:

    This blog needs an Imagine… review. I can’t get over how patronising Alan Yentob is.

    What does that cunt know about Jay-Z? He’s till of the mind rap’s some cute thing the kids are into but will probably grow out of.

  20. Clarry Says:

    I agree with Dave the name ‘Spooks’ is almost as annoying as that other crock of shit ‘Bonekickers’. Makes me want to kill and kill again.

    Anyway, i’ve never watched Spooks and never shall, mainly because of the man with a lightbulb shaped head and boggly eyes. Is he still in it?

    All I have to say about Dead Set is ‘Merry fucking christmas’ said in the most unconvincing, world-weary, hard-girl voice. The one liners in this prog are almost as bad as the ones in TDK.

  21. Toothed Varmint Says:

    That was the second time I watched Spooks (I tried the first ever episode and barfed), but this one was with a Russian theme, so I decided to have a look. I skipped the second episode yesterday for fear that my eyes would burst in fury.
    Hate the name too. All in all – I don’t like the programme very much.

  22. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – I saw 10 mins of Yentob and Jay Z and it was pretty fucking shit, wasn’t it? Yentob referred to him in conversation as ‘Jay Z’. Shouldn’t it just be ‘Jay’?

    I could be wrong, but isn’t that like going up to Alan and saying ‘Hi, how’re you doing Alan Yentob?’

  23. ugeine Says:

    I saw the first Dead Set last night. I thought it was very good. What’s everybody’s beef with it?

  24. Swineshead Says:

    And why the fuck was P Diddy talking about Afrika Bambaataa?
    Diddy can’t even fucking rap… saying he took what Bambaataa did and ‘went crazy with it’ is sacrilege.

  25. ugeine Says:

    Did he say if Afrika found the perfect rhythm in the end? I hate it when songs don’t tell you the ending.

  26. Clarry Says:

    U – I don’t have ‘beef’ with it as such, just think the acting was a bit wooden in the first ep. It gets better in the second ep, but the one liners detract from it. Highlights for me are the bloke wot plays the main girl’s boyf and the actor Kevin Eldon.

  27. Dave Says:

    SH – Please take a look at P Diddy’s varied ‘political’ vlogs that involve him repeating the same word thrity times whilst spinning round in a circle to dizzying effect. Unintentional comedy. The guy’s a cockosaurus.

  28. Clarry Says:


  29. ugeine Says:

    Fair enough Clarry, though it was more aimed at the group in whole (also, please excuse my unintentional inclusion of hip hop slang, it’s all this Diddy talk that is), like Napoleon who said it was ‘shit’ and SH who said the first half was ‘shit’. I mean, it’s not going to win any awards, but it didn’t do anything wrong.

  30. ugeine Says:

    I like Diddy. Even though he did record a song meant as a heartfelt tribute to his good friend B.I.G and used the chorus of a song about a stalker.

  31. Clarry Says:

    U – I know it was – the clue was in the sentence ‘what’s everyone’s beef with it?’. I was just saying what annoyed me about it.

  32. Dave Says:

    And what was that horrible ‘come with me’ track all about? Leave it to either Zep or Rage please, Diddyman, for the love of GODzilla. A simple request.

  33. Swineshead Says:

    I like Diddy. Even though he did record a song meant as a heartfelt tribute to his good friend B.I.G and used the chorus of a song about a stalker.

    Some might call it exploiting the death of a business associate for $$$s. And most would call it a shockingly shit cover version. He hasn’t released a single good track.

  34. ugeine Says:

    Better to light a candle then to curse the darkness, C.

  35. Dave Says:

    The new B.I.G biopic looks surprisingly decent though. Is it called ‘Notorious’ or something?

  36. ugeine Says:

    ‘Some might call it exploiting the death of a business associate for $$$s. And most would call it a shockingly shit cover version. He hasn’t released a single good track.’

    Yeah, some probably would. He’s a crap artist, but you’ve got to respect what he’s done, surely?

  37. Swineshead Says:

    ‘respect what he’s done’?

    What’s he done? Released loads of crap records in the wake of his talented friend’s death. That’s what he’s done. If you mean his business acumen, maybe – but he should stick to that and shut his face.

    THAT’S RIGHT – I’m dissing a hippopper! IN YOUR FACE!

    (tru dat)

  38. Dave Says:

    Have you seen that picture of him with his two girls butt naked save for a Chipendale-style bowtie? He’s, as I’ve said, a cockosaurus.

  39. Swineshead Says:

    Link please Dave, I need to investigate this picture for moderation purposes.

    He’s a motherfucking skank, homes – and his mother? She so fat she on weightwatchers!

    Ho ho, I am good at this dissing game.

  40. ugeine Says:

    *waits for SH to get tupacd*

    Yeah, I meant he should be respected for his business acumen, going from a kid from a single parent family in the projects of Harlem to an international business mogul, not respected for his music.

  41. Swineshead Says:

    He’s a bit like Alan Sugar.

    Where’s this dirty pic, Dave?!

  42. Dave Says:

    The kids are 3 months old, SH…..erm…..yeah…..

    I think I stumbled upon it at The Superficial, before you ask.

  43. indy Says:

    big notorious and tupac were ok and had the luck to get killed before people had become too familiar with them. why p diddy/puff/whatever is a star, that’s the question: no songs, no charisma with exception from his pile of money. he is a male paris hilton.

  44. ugeine Says:

    Yes, except Alan Sugar never won a contract by holding the person responsible for signing said contract by his tie out of a sky scraper.

    Hold on, he probably has, come to think of it. It would make the Apprentice watchable.

  45. ugeine Says:

    Tupac was OK? The man who penned ‘I don’t give a fuck’ was OK? Jees, how good at rapping do you have to be to please the Swedes?

  46. indy Says:

    fred durst good!

  47. Dave Says:

    Fred Durst’s a shit director these days which means he’s diversifying from his previous career as a shit Hick musician for fourteen-year-old boys.

  48. ugeine Says:

    Well come on Indy, not everybody can pen a lyric like:

    don’t blame me / I’m just an alien / with 36 tons / of new millennium / dum diddy dum / where’s that coming from / Christina Agurlera / Come and get some.

    That kind of lyrical expertise takes years of craft.

  49. Scant regard Says:

    If I may, I’d also like to point out P Diddy was responsible for the lyric:

    Its the D the I the D the D the Y
    The D the I the D
    It’s Diddy

    Not its not, you twat, its diddydid. He may be rich, but he sure can’t spell.

  50. ugeine Says:

    Well come on Indy, not everybody can pen a lyric like:

    don’t blame me / I’m just an alien / with 36 tons / of new millennium / dum diddy dum / where’s that coming from / Christina Agurlera / Come and get some.

    That kind of lyrical expertise takes years of craft.

  51. ugeine Says:

    Hicks are rural dwellers, Dave. Fred Durst was a Frat boy wigga.

  52. Swineshead Says:



  53. indy Says:

    ok. my favourite hiphop albums (“””urban”””):
    extinction level event – busta rhymes
    2001 – dr dre
    black on both sides – mos def
    take it or squeeze it – beatnuts

    very guardian-reader. very white. right?

  54. Swineshead Says:

    New post on the above in 5 mins.

  55. ugeine Says:

    I fucking HATE The Mail.

  56. ugeine Says:

    Good list Indy, good list My favourite Hip Hop albums:
    1) DJ Shadow, Entroducing
    2) Kool Keith – Dr Otcogynacologist (You try spelling it)
    3) Beastie Boys – Pauls Boutique
    4) Tribe called Quest: Low End Theory

  57. indy Says:

    “The prime minister had also criticised the pair for “inappropriate and unacceptable behaviour”. ”

    ok. since when is the prime minister responsible for all that is said and done on tv? please don’t drag g brown into this sh*t. anyone who remember what happened last time he made a statement on tv content? “a vote for shilpa shetty is a vote for england” (or something like that). note to brown: to vote for someone in big brother terms mean that the person voted for is f*cked off the show.

  58. daveselectricblanket Says:

    ‘Hicks are rural dwellers, Dave. Fred Durst was a Frat boy wigga.’ No, he was a rural, southern Hick same as the long forgotten Bubba Sparxx

    ‘i put my momma on it, I said my momma darn it, it seems as if I love her don’t it?’


  59. indy Says:

    ugeine: ok. you win. a bit sceptical about paul’s boutique, but hey! i had 2001 on my list. imagine me rockin’ the block with “forgot about d.r.e” pumping out of my volvo. what a sight.

  60. indy Says:

    daveselectricblanket: “ugly” and “deliverance” were great songs by mr b sparxx

  61. ugeine Says:

    A city with a population of 805,605 (Jacksonville, where Fred was raised) counts as rural? Sheeeeeeeeeit.

  62. ugeine Says:

    It weren’t a competition Indy! Plus, mine reads like a generic alt hip hop best of album list.

  63. Swineshead Says:

    1) DJ Shadow, Entroducing

    That’s ‘trip hop’.

  64. charliemingles Says:

    TV: loved all that stuff on authentic russian names and tattoos etc. SH: Im sure theres an article there somewhere.

  65. indy Says:

    ugeine. i was not trying to out-white you. the “ok. you win” was an honest admiration for a more creative and credible list than mine. at least you bothered to find alt hiphop where i just sprayed this comment wall with lowest common denominator shit. for a while a was trying to produce a top 5 but i could not admit to add “the marshall mathers lp” to it. for f*ck’s sake! i like suede, pulp and kate bush!

  66. ugeine Says:

    SH: Trip Hop My arse. You know how I feel about genres!

  67. Swineshead Says:

    I love the Dr Octagon I’ve heard.
    But the best hip hop album I’ve heard is Doggystyle. FO REAL

  68. ugeine Says:

    Indy: Word on dat Kate Bush. And Swede. And Pulp. Just generally word, I guess.

  69. ugeine Says:

    That’s one good album. Sorry, one good ass album, G.

  70. Swineshead Says:

    Ugeine – it’s clear cut enough that hiip hoop requires rapping on top of beats and DJing!

  71. indy Says:

    ugeine: “Swede”


  72. ugeine Says:

    Technically, Hip Hop requires Mceeing over breaks, b-boying and graffiti. However, it only requires these things if you’re a four element Nazi. Technically, that would mean The Beastie Boys weren’t Hip Hop until they got Mix Master Mike.

  73. ugeine Says:

    haha, whoops! Sorry Indy.

  74. ugeine Says:

    Oh, you meant actual hip hop music rather then Hip hop culture. My mistake. Still take out the b-boying and graffiti bit and it’s still a good point.

  75. Dave Says:

    Trip Hop is far removed from hip-hop. How can you mix them up? That’s like saying hard house is the same as acid house which, as we all know, is downright a downright perverse notion.

    Funk and Punk are the same as well. Pffft! <<<<Pfft.

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