In light of the recent crisis at the BBC, Watch With Mothers takes a look at next week’s revised Friday night line-up now the corporation’s scheduling policies have been handed over to the Downeysett-On-The-Wold Over 65’s Women’s Flower-Arranging Guild …
7:00 – The One Show : New presenters Alan Titchmarsh and Rosemary Clooney interview The Last of the Summer Wine’s Frank Thornton about his collection of Royal Doulton character jugs. Also, in a light-hearted segment, religious correspondent Aled Jones calls for the public beheading of all those that would deny Christ.
7:30 – The Last of the Summer Wine: After reading in the Daily Mail about a young radio presenter’s ill-judged prank phone call that occurred four years ago, an outraged Clegg fires off a strongly-worded letter of complaint to the Director General of the BBC. Later, he and his fellow villagers burn an effigy of the young radio presenter, whooping and hollering around it like excited chimpanzees.
8:00 – Antiques Roadshow: Fiona Bruce – properly attired in a burkha – introduces another episode of the popular antiques and collectibles show, this week coming from the grounds of Hogarth House in Leicestershire. Excitement reaches fever-pitch when a 17th century wooden spoon turns out to be a 19th century reproduction! With subtitles.
9:00 – New Casualty: Shifting location away from the bloodshed on offer at Holby City hospital, we follow the exploits of God-fearing Christian medic Dr. Ballard Ballard. It’s a difficult time for Ballard, as he juggles family life with an ever-increasing workload of minor ailments at his delightful Peak District family health practice. WARNING: Contains scenes of sneezing that some viewers may find distressing.
10:00 – Have I Got Some Good News For You For Once: Guest presenter Pam Rhodes tries to keep a lid on the antics of regular team captains Daniel O’Donnell and Ben Fogle … with hilarious results! With special guests Sally Magnusson and Jonathan Edwards.
10:30 – Room 102: Comedy discussion show in which presenter Kate Humble and guest Dr. Rowan Williams extract some of the items unfairly tossed into the now defunct Room 101. This week, Dr. Williams rescues Public Information Films from the Orwellian pit of damnation created by evil former BBC presenter Paul Merton.
11:00: – Question Time: New chairperson Gloria Hunniford keeps order as panellists debate the hot political issues of the last seven days. This week, guests discuss whether there is too much swearing on television, the utter depravity of on-screen nudity, and how young people need to get their hair cut and learn some respect for their elders.
12:00 – The Queen: Her Majesty says goodnight to the nation.
12:10 – The National Anthem: All rise for the BBC Concert Orchestra’s stirring rendition of Britain’s most beloved tune.
12:20 – Close: Pages from the Book of Revelation.
Tags: Aled Jones, Andrew Sachs, BBC, Casualty, Censorship, Crap TV, Culture, Entertainment, Have I Got News For You, Jonathan Ross, Radio 2, Russell Brand, Scandal, Television, The One Show, TV
Watch With Mothers 
October 31, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Inspired Nappers
October 31, 2008 at 1:41 pm
One of your best, Mr. Nap Nap.
October 31, 2008 at 1:44 pm
As I said to Swineshead via e-mail:
“Mary Whitehouse must be grinning in her grave today.”
October 31, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Good stuff.
October 31, 2008 at 1:48 pm
thats too fucking close to reality for my liking.
funny though.
October 31, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Oh, I see, you didn’t send that email to me…
You are me are sooooooooooooooooooo over
October 31, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Excellent, sir. Excellent!
Only one thing – does it have to be Revelations before sleep? Genesis is much more soothing. Or maybe Proverbs.
Or Kuran in Arabic.
October 31, 2008 at 1:50 pm
I mentioned Mary Whitehouse first, I’d like to point out, so basically it’s all down to me.
Everything.
October 31, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Piqued – What e-mail? I haven’t had one from you.
BECAUSE YOUR COMPANY’S E-MAIL SYSTEM IS WORSE THAN HITLER.
October 31, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Last night I watched some TV. This is not unusual. I idly surfed the channels and, upon hitting C4 was confronted by the vision of a large black lady’s vagina being lacerated with a fucking scalpel. I seriously almost fainted. It was only 10.30 or so. That is a true story.
*writes to MP and Daily Mail*
October 31, 2008 at 1:53 pm
WHAT HITTLER OR ALL THE THRIRD REICHESZ?????
U R MAYKING ME MADD!!!!!!!!1
grrrrrrrrrp
October 31, 2008 at 1:55 pm
SH, you spent the night on a bong didn’t you?
You were probably watching News at 10 with Sir Trevor
October 31, 2008 at 1:56 pm
A vagina? ON TELEVISION? Good God! What about the children? The poor, innocent children!
That monster Brand’s behind the decline in this country’s moral standards. Before him, you’d have NEVER seen a vagina on television.
October 31, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Im really enjoying this zombie thing. excellent.
October 31, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Is that aled jones at the top – or the lead singer of pop combo keane?
October 31, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Hi everyone,
Just thought I’d let you know I’m off for a poo now.
Thanks everbody.
October 31, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Dear Piqued
It genuinely was a female genital – on Embarassing Teenage Problems or something like that. It was disgusting.
Yours
Swineshead Zambezi (Mrs)
October 31, 2008 at 2:01 pm
anyone see the BBC DG mark whatsisname on channel 4 news last night? what a spineless goon.
October 31, 2008 at 2:02 pm
He’s just been equally spineless on Jeremy Vine’s Radio 2 show, Mingles. The goon.
October 31, 2008 at 2:06 pm
The BBC should’ve closed ranks, they’re allowing the fucking conservative tittle tattlers to tear them to shreds
As for DG Mark, the man is a goon. Like Spike Milligans and Hairy Sea-comb
October 31, 2008 at 2:06 pm
PS: You forgot about their new flagship Saturday night show: Strictly Adhering to Guidelines – in which, various senior BBC staff dance to a tune chosen by the Daily Mail.
The loser gets fired.
October 31, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Touché Mingles – very good indeed.
October 31, 2008 at 2:09 pm
and shame academy: same idea – but this time its singing and its their first-born teenage children.
October 31, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Fantastic. You should do this for a living…
*runs*
October 31, 2008 at 2:26 pm
I think those two are are on Saturdays, aren’t they?
October 31, 2008 at 2:31 pm
good point napoleon. I shall hand in my resignation forthwith.
Nick – Ilistened to a few of those tracks. Liked the title track and that woman. there also appears to be one called Dave? is that about dave?
He will be pleased.
October 31, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Our Dave? The runt of the WWM litter?
October 31, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Fuck off.
October 31, 2008 at 2:35 pm
there is a song called dave on nicks album though – honest. the lyrics appear to confirm that its a out dave also.
October 31, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Dave – Yeah, but you are a runt though, aren’t you?
October 31, 2008 at 2:37 pm
go to my blog and see the CRAZY one day only DAVE logo I made with PAINTBRUSH using squares and imagination thoughts!
daveselectricblanket.wordpress.com
October 31, 2008 at 2:39 pm
I’m limited both mentally and physically in comparison to everyone on here, yes. But this is 2008 and lesser people are celebrated as equal and stuff. It’s called a civilised society.
October 31, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Masterful, NP, very funny satire. So naturally, I’m calling for your head.
October 31, 2008 at 2:40 pm
‘We all have corridors, I just don’t have any doors down mine’ – ME
October 31, 2008 at 2:42 pm
That’s very profound, Dave. If only it meant something …
October 31, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Dave, do you actually talk to NP and SH and that outside WWM?
October 31, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Oh, ignore me if I’m been too nosy, please.
October 31, 2008 at 2:44 pm
Not the real ones, Ugeine.
October 31, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Keh?
October 31, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Sadly, Dave and I also converse on my site, and on his own (which is awful). I have also encountered the pasty little troglodyte on several other people’s sites as well. He’s like a rash.
October 31, 2008 at 2:48 pm
That’s about right.
October 31, 2008 at 2:50 pm
I love the resigned tone of most of Dave’s posts.
October 31, 2008 at 2:51 pm
What I don’t get is why he keeps changing his name
October 31, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Who knows? I and my good lady wife are planning a trip to Manchester soon, so I may meet Dave in the flesh. I could do with a laugh at someone else’s expense / deformities.
October 31, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Piqued – I think it’s because he’s a berk.
October 31, 2008 at 2:56 pm
I once emailed Dave on his home email to tell him off.
October 31, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Wondrous. Thanks NC. Have posted on my FB
xx
October 31, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Did you? Did you get one back saying he couldn’t reply at that time as he was wanking in the dark over a picture of Doctor Who fucking Metal Mickey?
October 31, 2008 at 3:05 pm
One good thing to come out of all this is that Lesley woman who ran Radio 2 and destroyed Radio 6 and gave George Lamb a job and insulted me and my kind has gone. I’m genuinely pleased about that.
So thanks, The Daily Mail. It’s only fair.
October 31, 2008 at 3:10 pm
The Daily Mail readership seem to be planning a revolution.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1081927/LITTLEJOHN-Were-mad-hell-DONT-more.html#comments
October 31, 2008 at 3:10 pm
I broke my George Lamb duck by mistake last night. They showed that contemptible ‘Celebrity Scissorhands’ after ‘This Week’ and I watched a bit of it. I recognized three of the ‘celebrities’:
Zammo off of Grange Hill in the 80s.
Lucinda Dumps off of The Apprentice.
That twit who used to be in Visage.
Who the fuck were the rest of ’em supposed to be?
October 31, 2008 at 3:11 pm
DINLT – Littlejohn is a guest writer on my site today …
http://bpperry3.blogspot.com/2008/10/littlejohn-its-about-time-these-elf-n.html
October 31, 2008 at 3:13 pm
It was a very good This Week this week, I thought. Even setting aside that utterly talentless fuckwit bazlegette.
October 31, 2008 at 3:13 pm
People NC, just people
October 31, 2008 at 3:14 pm
I, personally, would love a civil war to break out between Daily Mail readers and the ones they hate.
October 31, 2008 at 3:15 pm
It’s a surreal little gem at the arse-end of the schedules, Mingles. Neil’s bizarre ‘three wheats’ hair that changes colour continuously, the strange pairing of Diane Abbot and Michael Portillo that works remarkably well, the constant references to Blue Nun, the frankly bizarre filmed reports … £50 well spent, I say. It’s the political version of the tremendous One Show.
October 31, 2008 at 3:16 pm
I read that Littlejohn article this morning – it made me genuinely fearful.
October 31, 2008 at 3:20 pm
Apparently there’s a portrait of Stalin behind Brand in that apology vid – though I’ve not checked.
Nice touch if so.
October 31, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Ugeine – I wouldn’t wish for that if I were you. The natural enemies of the Daily Mail readership are limp-wristed Londonistas such as Piqued. The sort of cafe latte-swigging popinjays who would be torn limb-from-limb by the baying hounds of the right wing of this fair isle. No, it would be muggins ‘ere and muggins like me – the ones that can’t stand either group – that would end up taking a bayonnet for Piqued and his Guardian-readin’ cowardly cronies. And that would make me really annoyed.
October 31, 2008 at 3:21 pm
I agree Napoleon. Andrew Neil always comes over as quite likeable, never thought that would happen from his past track record.
And Diane and Portillo are a good double-act. I much preferred it when they had that other guy who used to do the funny news reports. cant remember his name now though. I think he went back to serious news reporting.
you compare the level of debate on this to question time and its impossible to watch that other bilge ever again.
October 31, 2008 at 3:23 pm
I still watch Question Time, as I like to scream at the likes of Hazel Blears and lose my temper and swear and stuff. I can’t say I’m looking forward to next week’s – Brian Eno’s on it, and as far as I know he has FUCK ALL to say about politics.
October 31, 2008 at 3:24 pm
I have no friends and feel a need, as a human being, to synthesise a social life through the internet. I actually consider SH, Piqued and NC to be amongst my best friends along with other internet people like Jeeves and the elephant off of the insurance adverts.
I’ve drawn NC picture and written him poetry. He never responds. I hate myself.
October 31, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Stirring in my pants
When Abbott and Portillo
Lean in to debate.
October 31, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Yeah, there’s definitely Stalin behind Brand, I noticed that as well. Naughty, naughty Russell.
October 31, 2008 at 3:27 pm
That picture was from you Dave? I did wonder. Frankly, I found the whole thing preposterous. For a start, there’s no way your phallus is that size, and I will not accept my arse is as fat as you’ve portrayed it, or that it’s as spotty as that.
October 31, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Dont worry napoleon – they’ll have someone knowledgeable like Jo Brand or david baddiel on soon Im sure. Did you see the one with Alex James on. Ive never seen a man more out of my depth for a long time.
October 31, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Mark Mardell, was it? The three of them (Neill, Portillo and MM) sang that song to the tune of “Amarillo”.
October 31, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Why do they keep wheeling that coke casualty out? The man can barely speak properly, as for his cheese farm or whatever it is, suck my fucking dick
October 31, 2008 at 3:31 pm
were not back to haikus again are we? Ive been on blank verse now for weeks.
I heard that thing about stalin, but sounds like the beginnings of an urban myth. how can anyone tell? its a fixed camera and all you can see of the photo is a shoulder.
October 31, 2008 at 3:32 pm
yes mark mardell, thanks TV
October 31, 2008 at 3:32 pm
I did see the Alex James one, yes. Most pop stars who come on know sod all about anything – I don’t know why they book them. Did you see Simon Schama on last night’s show? I had no idea he suffered from cerebral palsy / ants in his pants.
And who hired the sound engineers? Beethoven?*
*only deaf bloke I can think of at the moment
October 31, 2008 at 3:34 pm
It looked exactly like Stalin and I saw it in metro yesterday, I think. I know a Stalin when I see one! I am thinking of writing to the Daily Mail, acrually.
October 31, 2008 at 3:35 pm
I mean actually, actually.
October 31, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Tonight’s the Night for Neil Young night ..yea!
Will be expecting a review on Monday on the documentary “Don’t be denied”.
October 31, 2008 at 3:37 pm
What’s everyone doing for Halloween?!!11??
I’ll be sat at home trolling blogs and leaving halfbaked comments. That’s what I always do. Every night. All the time.
October 31, 2008 at 3:37 pm
Are you sure that’s Stalin’s shoulder? The portrait I have on him on my wall looks to have more of a curve in the shoulder than that.
October 31, 2008 at 3:38 pm
I couldn’t see no fly boy Stalin on no speech
LINK!!
October 31, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Dave – I’m planning on binge-drinking whisky until I’m suitably pissed enough to leave thunderous missives on internet sites that I’ll regret the instant I wake up tomorrow morning.
October 31, 2008 at 3:40 pm
There wasn’t just a shoulder in the pic I saw, but a portrait – I could see the head (face was blurry, but definitely with a moustache), it soooo was Stalin. I remember thinking – what the fuck?
October 31, 2008 at 3:40 pm
I’m going to be sitting on my doorstep with a shotgun, a six pack and a manic grin on my face.
October 31, 2008 at 3:41 pm
I will smoke me some weed, I think.
October 31, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Maybe Stalin was very popular back in Dickensian London where Brand comes from?
October 31, 2008 at 3:45 pm
I thought schama was acting a bit like the ginger baddie in the first dirty harry movie. Although I think academics are encouragd to play up the twitchy schtick as it makes them appear more intellectual. See also; Heinz Wolfe, comedy nazi accents and bowties.
October 31, 2008 at 3:45 pm
It might be Littlejohn. They’re easy to mix up. One’s a twat that is despised by millions of people worldwide. The other was a Communist dictator.
October 31, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Could be, Napoleon. Old Iosif was a very popular chap by all accounts. And Brand would do well to take Stalin’s example of rigid self-control and steely determination to destroy any opposition by any means necessary.
October 31, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Wow. I’m actually going to the pub tomorrow and I’ll be bothering the streets of Manchester tomorrow on a zombie pub crawl. That means I’m doing the bestest thing for Halloween unless someone can trump me.
Can somebody trump me?
October 31, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Dave is about all Daves… if you like.
Funny story……..
October 31, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Reading Naps Littlejohn guest writer column, we need to build this broken nation of ours. Suggestions please. Certainly my idea to put Fawlty Towers on forthwith on BBC1 should be acted upon immediately. Together as a nation we can laugh again.
October 31, 2008 at 3:47 pm
I had no idea he was so twitchy. Alright, so he’s a bit all over the shop in that excellent American history show he’s doing at the moment, but nothing prepared me for what he’s like in the flesh. He looked like someone had put itching powder down his trousers.
October 31, 2008 at 3:48 pm
‘Maybe Stalin was very popular back in Dickensian London where Brand comes from?’
I also thought that Stalin would fly in the face of his ‘face and love’ mantra? Or was Uncle Joe really a kind avuncular old man and the gulag was a small faux-pas
October 31, 2008 at 3:49 pm
anyone got a link to this supposed stalin photo?
October 31, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Has anyone ever texted to Question Time?
October 31, 2008 at 3:51 pm
DINLT – I preferred his idea of setting about busy-bodies with chains and branding irons.
Dave – I’m going to the pub tomorrow, though not dressed as a zombie. I’ll no doubt behave like one after closing time – lurching down the road groaning with a lump of disgusting-looking flesh hanging from the side of my mouth.
October 31, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Littlejohn. Only in Britain could such a cunt be popular.
October 31, 2008 at 3:52 pm
TV – I sent them an e-mail mid-show saying this was the ideal moment to pounce on the utterly humourless Harriet Harmon, and slit her gizzard from ear to ear. Never heard anything back.
October 31, 2008 at 3:53 pm
and the other shoe drops …
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1082046/Sordid-details-emerge-Brand-girls-racy-secret-life.html
Turns out georgina is a dominatrix call girl. hope no one phones up her grandad to tell him.
October 31, 2008 at 3:53 pm
I meant ‘peace and love’ bit of a hurried post
October 31, 2008 at 3:53 pm
“Littlejohn. Only in Britain could such a cunt be popular.”
Never listened to any right-wing US radio shows, Ugeine?
October 31, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Actually an interesting “What if” of history is if Stalin had not taken power in the USSR. Things certainly would be very different today. And the particular aspect I refer to is his rapid industrialisation of the country.
October 31, 2008 at 3:59 pm
DINLT – You say that, but what about my itchy balls? They don’t ‘alf itch … which is strange, as I only had a bath last Saturday.
October 31, 2008 at 4:01 pm
‘Never listened to any right-wing US radio shows, Ugeine?’
All the time. I probably should have phrased this better. I was referring to his particular brand of cuntishness, kind of a smug, reserved, mundane cuntness that’s almost as Bad as Bill O’Riley’s in-your-face shouting cuntness.
He’s a very English cunt, is what I mean.
October 31, 2008 at 4:01 pm
DINLT – You say that, but what about my itchy balls? They don’t ‘alf itch … which is strange, as I only had a bath last Saturday.
October 31, 2008 at 4:02 pm
DINLT, you’re so right. Stalin ruthlessly grabbed the power although Lenin was really against him.
It’s a long conversation.
October 31, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Am I the only one that thinks that Stalin’s PC Do gooder liberal side held him back?
October 31, 2008 at 4:04 pm
still cant find any photos of that stalin thing
October 31, 2008 at 4:06 pm
He’s the voice of the common man, Ugeine. The champion of tradesmen, the bane of the ‘elf ‘n’ safety mob. How would we know that they’d banned the song ‘How Much Is That Doggie In The Window’ because it might offend the Muslims without his crusading style of damn-you-all journalism? I reckon he should be kinghted.
October 31, 2008 at 4:08 pm
By the way, that banning of that dog in the window song is a prime example of political correctness gone mad.
October 31, 2008 at 4:09 pm
whats this I hear about political correctness napoleon?
October 31, 2008 at 4:10 pm
IT’S GONE FUCKING MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA …
October 31, 2008 at 4:17 pm
lets hope no one informs andrew sachs. hes got enough on his plate.
hes 98 you know.
October 31, 2008 at 4:19 pm
what are the chances andrew sachs decides to re-release his hilarious 1980’s cover version of joe dolces shuttupa-yer-face – in light of recent developments.
wouldnt that be hilarious. It was hilarious when joe did it the first time.
October 31, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Has he still got all his own teeth? I like it when they haven’t got their own teeth, eh lads?
October 31, 2008 at 4:21 pm
When I listened to the show I thought they were joking about Brand shagging her on behalf of his eye for the ladies. He actually did it. That makes it even less insulting and more of the truth.
October 31, 2008 at 4:22 pm
nice photo idea:
http://www.bbdo.co.uk/blog/archives/1230
October 31, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Napoleon Cockaparte,
Is the greatest in the….part…
And he has a blog with a ridiculously long name that makes no sense III,
But I love him anyway and we’re in a pod like two a pea.
We also call him B P Perry,
And I reckon he’s got a purple cherry,
like the fact he’s called Ben
and I’d like to dress him up as a hen (cock).
By Dave.
October 31, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Dave – Yes, but there was no need to inform her grandad of the matter, was there? If you’d banged away at a stripper and then rang … oh, hang on … that ain’t likely to happen considering what you look like, is it? Carry on …
October 31, 2008 at 4:27 pm
Dave – You little arsehole. What the fuck was that supposed to be?
October 31, 2008 at 4:28 pm
An extract from my anthology of NC poetry.
October 31, 2008 at 4:30 pm
You’re becoming altogether too close for comfort, Dave. Can’t you stalk Piqued?
October 31, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Marvelous David. I look forward to your, ‘how do I love thee, let me count the ways.’
October 31, 2008 at 4:33 pm
You must have minterpreted the poem. It was about the transient nature of life. I used your name as a DEVICE.
October 31, 2008 at 4:33 pm
I bloody don’t! I don’t want this porcelein-skinned, short-sighted, clown-haired goon writing love poems about me. It’s plain weird, is what it is. Stop it, Dave. Stop it immediately.
October 31, 2008 at 4:34 pm
Don’t rise to it NC
October 31, 2008 at 4:37 pm
I liked it. Nobody ever composes poems about me, apart from opposing fans at Northampton games.
October 31, 2008 at 4:38 pm
If only I had the temperament, Piqued. I rise to anything me … ‘specially tits ‘n’ ass! Eh? Eh?
October 31, 2008 at 4:39 pm
*writes to daily mail*
October 31, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Don’t try and qualify your heterosexuality at this time of all times, NC,…Not after the poetry…
October 31, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Ugeine – Write a paper-thin, box-of-tricks blog and draw a few stupid cartoons, and I guarantee Dave’ll come knocking on your door with his vile poetry.
October 31, 2008 at 4:48 pm
Dave – Get fucked. I don’t need to qualify anything to you, d’ye hear?
Oh, and let’s not forget that the only tits ‘n’ ass you’ve ever had in your life have been photographs sellotaped to melons with holes bored out of ’em. How’s this? Because a socially-inept fartmuncher with a GIGANTIC inferiority complex wouldn’t know what to do with a woman even if he did manage to drag a half-blind, half-mad example of one back to his mum’s house’s spare room for a session of inept – and soon-abandoned – slap ‘n’ tickle.
October 31, 2008 at 4:53 pm
That’s based on NOTHING. I had intercourse with a German business student last Friday thank you very much. A German. And, no, she wasn’t hairy or a Nazi.
How do you like them apples?
October 31, 2008 at 4:56 pm
You need a new Rabbi, Dave.
October 31, 2008 at 4:56 pm
intercourse eh? is that anything like shagging? or do you keep your top hat on?
October 31, 2008 at 4:57 pm
No you didn’t! These deluded sexual hallucinations of yours are caused by a mind enfeebled by nocturnal masturbation addiction. The German business student you thought you were fucking was, in reality, a toilet-roll tube stuffed with streaky bacon you shagged whilst watching Das Boot. You need help.
October 31, 2008 at 4:58 pm
Bit indiscreet that. You might as well phone up her grandpappy and sing a song about it.
October 31, 2008 at 4:58 pm
She was drunk and disorientated by being in a foreign country.
October 31, 2008 at 5:01 pm
that reminds me of one of my favourite lines from Cheers, where Cliff is talking about his chatting-up technique:
(paraphrasing)
CLIFF: Ah, I have a variety of techniques for attracting the ladies – a wink, a smile …
CARLA: A rag doused with chloroform.
October 31, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Do not affiliate my all too rare sexual conquests with rape drugs.
Tonight I’ll sit alone watchign Disney’s Beauty and the Beast and crying into a likeness of NC.
And why? People like you.
October 31, 2008 at 5:06 pm
You pathetic little man.
October 31, 2008 at 5:08 pm
I own a 1993 Blue Peter badge. The green one.
October 31, 2008 at 5:09 pm
I love Cheers. And that Simpsons episode where they parody Cheers is probably my favourite thing ever.
October 31, 2008 at 5:11 pm
I repeat my previous statement. The only thing I ever did for Blue Peter was send them a picture I’d drawn of a pair of tits. Never heard anything back.
October 31, 2008 at 5:12 pm
The green one is for the environment. I potted some trees in a potato field or something, I forget. The important thing is I have one and, last Friday, I had intercourse with a female lady woman.
I’m a man, by God. A man.
October 31, 2008 at 5:14 pm
I think I saw them on tony harts wall of shame napoleon. were they made out of seasheels, tinsel and semen?
I dont think ive seen that one ugeine.
October 31, 2008 at 5:14 pm
I used to love drawing tits when I was kid. I got caught drawing tits by my step-father once, and he gave me a right slap.
October 31, 2008 at 5:14 pm
I would also like to join the Cheers fan club. (And Frasier too!).
October 31, 2008 at 5:14 pm
‘But, according to David Lawrence, who is equipped with a PhD on motorway service areas, it was very different in the not-so-distant past. ‘
Really didn’t think I’d be reading that when I woke up this morning.
October 31, 2008 at 5:17 pm
dont mention frasier on ‘ere DINLT, SH will put you on his list – much as i love that show too – apart from the last few series which were beyond shite.
October 31, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Mingles – I didn’t make ’em out of anything. I just drew a pair of tits, coloured ’em in, and sent them to Blue Peter via one of their ponderous appeal addresses. You’d think Simon Groom could have at least held up my drawing and smirked a bit.
October 31, 2008 at 5:21 pm
I was told off at a bring and buy sale for Blue Peter. I was given the enormous power of pricing up the shite with official BP stickers and I priced everythig at 1p and bought it all before the shop opened.
October 31, 2008 at 5:23 pm
10 word revooz:
anyone watch ponderland last night? I thought it was excellent.
October 31, 2008 at 5:25 pm
What a cunt you are, Dave. Imagine the dead African children whose blood will forever be on your hands after that little stunt.
October 31, 2008 at 5:27 pm
I got some good shit though. 5 books, a few teddy bears, pens, action men, sweets, and a battery operated toy hoover.
October 31, 2008 at 5:28 pm
A battery-operated toy hoover, eh? Was she your first, Dave?
October 31, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Well napoleon – groom should certainly have remarked upon how they were a marvelous set of knockers.
I myself sent in some fine drawings of juggs, balloons and even a chest of drawers and received not even a mention – never mind the pair of janet ellis’ knickers I specifically asked for to cure my childhood leukemia.
its one rule for the rich and another for the rest of us I say.
October 31, 2008 at 5:31 pm
Mingles – I didn’t catch Ponderland as I still can’t abide Russell Brand, regardless of the public and media witch-hunt agaisnt him and his playmate Ross. I watched Question Time and spent the whole show annoyed at the appalling work of the sound engineers.
October 31, 2008 at 5:31 pm
He probably borrowed the picture, for an impromptu extra round of judging in the near by broom cupboard, anad got them all sticky.
October 31, 2008 at 5:32 pm
I stalk all of you via the book of face and it’s bloggy applications.
October 31, 2008 at 5:33 pm
I’d still love a pair of Janet Ellis’s knickers to this day. Her used knickers rubbed along the gusset of her daughter’s used knickers.
I apologise for what I’ve just written.
October 31, 2008 at 5:34 pm
have you gotten round to watching dead set yet Napoleon? that said, you probably need to see it from the start.
October 31, 2008 at 5:36 pm
I saw the first one. I’m now refusing to watch any more as I feel betrayed by E4. This is what we in the trade call, ‘Cutting off our nose to spite our face’.
October 31, 2008 at 5:36 pm
can I apolgise for what I was about to have written.
at about this point – clarry usually turns up.
October 31, 2008 at 5:38 pm
Well, you missed a fat moustachioed man shitting into a bucket. not you piqued – I dont think.
October 31, 2008 at 5:41 pm
Have a lovely weekend everyone. I’m off to have intercourse with a German business student. I just hope that I dont mention the War.I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it.
October 31, 2008 at 5:43 pm
Thankfully, with the internet at my fingertips, I have access to HOURS of footage of fat people shitting into all manner of receptacles. I don’t feel my experience of life has been cheapened by missing this particular man shitting into a bucket through the eye of a shakey camera fitted with an awful blue filter.
October 31, 2008 at 5:56 pm
I’m hoping Fonejacker doesn’t get taken off the air..
October 31, 2008 at 6:34 pm
I’m about to watch an episode of Dead Set now. He might have a face like a deformed pug, but he can sure write good television.
October 31, 2008 at 6:36 pm
And Mr. Man got me 3.2Gs of mighty fine smokeables! This is rapidly becoming a very good firday.