The Friday Question: Celebrity What Now?


It seems like every TV show and their ITV alternative have got a celebrity off-shoot these days. From ‘Celebrity Who Wants to be a Millionaire’ to ‘Celebrity Fat Club’ via ‘Celebrity Family Fortunes’ and beyond, it would appear that that there’s no base level quiz show, reality show or factual show involving the public that can’t be improved by shoving ‘Celebrity’ before the title and having an appearence by Lisa Scott Lee.

So, dear Motherers, what current unupgraded TV shows would you like to see have their profiles raised by the invention of a celebrity version?

Perhaps ‘Celebrity Antiques Roadshow’ would be your weapon of choice, or how about ‘Celebrity 60 Minute Makeover’ or even ‘Celebrity Channel 4 News’?

I’d like to see the arrival of celebrity versions of drama shows, like the Bill or Holby City, where the casts are removed and replaced with reality show winners and failed 80’s pop stars – but still playing the same characters.

That’d beef up an otherwise dull episode of Heartbeat anyday.

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110 Responses to “The Friday Question: Celebrity What Now?”

  1. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Embarrassing Celebrity Bodies, obviously.
    And Last Celeb Standing.

  2. Tom Morris Says:

    Those Channel 4 documentaries where they follow people performing extreme genital self-modification – the ones which are billed as serious documentaries but are basically just cheap and tacky freak exhibitions of people getting their balls chopped off or their vaginal lips reshaped by plastic surgery, and so on. Perhaps this makes me a sadist, but certain celebrities undergoing painful, irreversible surgery with a high risk of reducing their capability of reproducing sounds like a jolly good use of the license fee.

    Radio 4 could do it just to grate their middle-aged listeners: Jade Goody presenting Celebrity Shipping Forecast, Jodie Marsh presenting Celebrity Poetry Please. On telly, get some annoying celebrity reality show winners to present Countdown and Match of the Day, and the transformation would be complete.

  3. wally bazoom Says:

    Celebrity I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!

    A ha ha har

  4. fourstar Says:

    It’s obvious.

    “Celebrity News At Ten”

  5. fourstar Says:

    Note to self: Read entire post before commenting a very similar idea.


  6. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Why do we dislike them so?

  7. Nick of the T Says:

    Because they are famous and not popular…

  8. indy Says:

    we hate it when our friends become succesful

  9. Nick of the T Says:

    I don’t .

  10. Toothed Varmint Says:

    They are not my friends. though. I’ve been trying to think – who do I actually like among celebs? There’re not that many… Stephen Fry, obviously. And, errr…

  11. Dave Says:

    Celebrity Scissorhands is a mystifying name for a show. Do the celebs trim hedges into amusing shapes, barbecue kebabs, prepare salads or cause the death of a teenage boy? Not unless it’s Michael Barrymore.

  12. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Some of my friends are successful, they’re allright. Well, they are not celebs. If some of my friends became celebs, I don’t know… Would I start disliking them? Something to think about, anyway.

  13. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Paul Merton, I like Paul Merton. And Ian Hislop.
    Oh, and Kirsty Young. Mmmmm, yes.

  14. indy Says:

    “celebrity” is a concept that works on the principle of “build up” and “knock down”. some celebs are quickly built up and easily knocked down. other takes time. some celebs even have to die before we can start to knock ’em down:

    “X is dead, what a top geezer he was”
    “I bet he was a peado!”
    “No smoke without fire! may X burn in hell!”

    now we are all crossing our fingers for operation ore to confiscate mr andrew sachs laptop. which of course, is horrible wish and most probably untrue.

  15. indy Says:

    Toothed Varmint: “Stephen Fry, obviously.”

    really? isn’t there a warning signal screaming “smugness alert” every time he is on telly. and did he really get away with his “show” on his mental illness? didn’t “narcissism” outweigh the other condition (bipolar disorder? can’t remember)?

  16. Dave Says:

    Narcissism is a biproduct of manic depression that’ll lead to self-hatred. I don’t think he attached a hose to his car exhaust because he was arrogant, if that’s what you mean.

  17. indy Says:

    operation knock down backfired. ok. fry is off limits then.

  18. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Mr Fry is not smug, come on. He is knowledgable but very affable. At least that’s how he comes across in my estimation.

  19. Dave Says:

    He was shit in V for Vendetta though, the cunt. And he ruined The Life and Death of Peter Sellers because he can’t act. And those tea adverts….bloody hell…

  20. ugeine Says:

    I think we’re looking the whole celebrity concept the wrong way. In the 50s, it was television and Hollywood’s job to provide us with glamorous, idealised images of family life. Celebrities, therefore, we pictured as having glamorous and exotic lifestyles that we should want to emulate. Thus shows like Happy Days were popular and people swooned at James Dean.

    Slowly, over the decades, the public got bored and disillusioned with this until we went the other way, in the 90s, which was to examine the gulf between this idealised image and what life was really like. Thus shows the The Simpsons got popular and we liked finding out about the gory details about stars’ personal lives.

  21. Toothed Varmint Says:

    He has his minuses, but still, I love Stephen Fry.

  22. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Paxman! Him I really like. Would be great to see him in the СBB house.

  23. indy Says:

    yeah. thanks dave. i should have focused on the tea adverts and not the illness issue from the start.

    ugeine: role models to pariahs. i think it’s because of the information overload as well. we have got used to them so we don’t need to be polite to them anymore. marilyn monroe was glamourous in her times where as pamela lee (?) andersson is just traaash. if there would be mobile phones with cameras in the 50ies “we” would download pics of marilyn going down on j dimaggio.

  24. Dave Says:

    Are there any examples of the modern celebrity blueprint going back to the seventies or before? People famous for being famous?

  25. Toothed Varmint Says:

    >People famous for being famous?

  26. ugeine Says:

    Peaches Geldoph famous for been famous or Jade Goodey famous for been famous?

  27. Napoleon Says:

    My vote would go to ‘Celebrity Question Time’. It’s about time they got rid of Dimbleby and those boring politician types, and replaced them with Russell Brand keeping order over the likes of Kate Nash and Duffy. Having seen Kate Nash’s intelligent use of the word ‘like’ on ‘This Week’ a while back, I’d love to hear what else she and others like her have got to say about the weighty issues of the day.

  28. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Celebrity Freaky eaters, in which we forcefeed thin celebreties cheeseburgers and fat ones carrotts.

  29. Dave Says:

    I watched that Nash crap about sexism as well. It seemed lost on her that you don’t get male singers acting like a spanners arse either.

  30. indy Says:

    Dave: i blame warhol and “interview”. of course there has always been some people who have been given free rides on behalf of partners/parents etc but i think that is a shift of paradigms. that must be the point where celeb became celebs because they replicated the style of celebrity.

  31. Napoleon Says:

    She ruined that episode of This Week for me. They occasionally get some thickwitted pop star on and they always lower the tone.

  32. Toothed Varmint Says:

    A Shift of Paraigms. Sounds like a”Yes” LP. Made me smile.

  33. indy Says:

    “Celebrity Freaky eaters, in which we forcefeed thin celebreties cheeseburgers and fat ones carrotts.”

    …or the other way around!

  34. ugeine Says:

    Considering how Lilly Allen’s new album is so utterly brilliant that even her PR agency (usually trustworthy, these PR agencies) called her the ‘Wordsworth of the myspace generation’ I think she deserves a stint on E4 explaining how such gems as ‘There’s people outside in a park having lunch, I think it’s called alfresco’ compare when held up to Wordsworth’s work.

  35. indy Says:

    Toothed Varmint: i do prog rock quite well, right. you’re welcome!

  36. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Lily Allen is not very visible these days, is she? And Amy Winehouse keeps schtum as well. Good.

  37. ugeine Says:

    True about Amy, though Lilly’s got a new album out. Funny thing is, she’s a nice enough person, and if she didn’t have a habit of bringing out shit music she’d be a lot less offensive.

  38. si Says:

    How about celebrity death camp?

  39. Toothed Varmint Says:

    At Uni I had a friend (we shared a room in our hall of residenсe)б and he was a huge prog-rock fan, especially Yes, but also VdG Generator, King Crimson, ELP, Greenslade, Gentle Giant, Can, Gong, oh, you know… I listened to it all. Many many times. I’d strangle him had he not been my best friend. And the weed helped to bear the music and even to find some enjoymet in it. So I know prog-rock the hard way…

  40. indy Says:

    …things would be so much easier if brand and russell just would have given a call to “lily allen’s dad” and given him some messages on his answering machine…

  41. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Lily Allen’s talk show was rubbish, I tried to watch once, but come on. Still, I don’t mind her all that much, she’s cute. As for her music – I missed it. I’ll tell you more – I’ve never listened to Amy Winehouse either, couldn’t whistle any of her tunes. She is very good at this singing lark, I hear.

  42. piqued Says:

    I quite liked Yes, King Crimson and Gong TV

  43. Dave Says:

    Piqued knows his shit.

  44. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Loads of people did, Piqued. Even I thought that I did, especially King Crimson. But I never listen to them now and I don’t think I ever will.

  45. Napoleon Says:

    King Crimson are shite. For the true prog rock experience, you need to delve right to the bottom of the barrel. There, nestling beneath the Van Der Graaf Generator records, you’ll find the complete works of Egg. Now THEY were a prog rock band.

  46. indy Says:

    bryan ferry auditioned as singer for king crimson. fact. imagine that!

  47. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Egg I know very vaguely and don’t remember anything about them… I am glad, actually.
    Ferry for KC? I’d love to hear him sing 20th Century Schizoid Man and make bedroom eyes at the audience…

  48. piqued Says:

    Some of King Crimson’s stuff is still very good, but sadly most of it is dire. Put it this way, when it’s good it’s very very good, when it’s bad it’s liquid beef dripping off a bedsit wall, on acid, or something.

  49. Dave Says:

    Tangerine Dream are what you’re all after.

    If anyone can recommend Moog-based bands to me I’ll get moist at the tip right now.

  50. Napoleon Says:

    Moog-based bands? D:Ream?

  51. Dave Says:

    Fuck off.

  52. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Air use Moog, I think.

  53. indy Says:

    if “moog” is slang for crack, i think that pete doherty uses moog.

  54. piqued Says:

    Can I shock you? I like Tangerine Dream. Saw them live once after dropping a window pane, my head became colours

  55. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Tangerine Dream’s soundtracks are rather good. Still, they are wusses. For proper German electronica one must listen to the mighty Kraftwerk.

  56. Dave Says:

    The Bathtub Session was groovy man. Shows that we’re all doomed to be trapped within shit generations that don’t prance around on acid anymore. I want acid!

  57. indy Says:

    Toothed Varmint: have you heard the kraftwerk version of hot butter’s “popcorn”. ace!

  58. piqued Says:

    TV, I agree Kratfwerk win hands down, Moog’s up

  59. Napoleon Says:

    Can you even buy acid anymore?

  60. daveselectricblanket Says:

    It’s all Ketamine mixed-up with coke with the kids these days, NC. No romance to it at all, folding double in a sofa enduring palpitations which, thanks to your slowed mind, feel like you’re dying perpetually in some horrific limbo.

  61. indy Says:

    acid can be bought in san fransisco souvenier shops.

  62. piqued Says:

    Good question Nappers, I’ve not seen it about for years. It’s all MDMA and K as DEB pointed out.

    I only smoke the odd joint these days.

  63. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Indy, no, I haven’t! Sounds delicious. Gonna find it and listen to it!

  64. piqued Says:

  65. Toothed Varmint Says:

    It usually shocks people that I’ve never even tried acid. It shocks me most of all. When very young I wanted it but it was unobtainable, then I stopped wanting it…
    Still, where I grew up and studied, weed was everywhere, just growing in the streets, along the roads… Drugs were officially non-existent in the USSR, so smoking dope wasn’t a crime.
    It wasn’t all doom and gloom, you know.

  66. piqued Says:

    Thanks Indy, that was quite lovely

  67. Toothed Varmint Says:

    This is great! How could I miss this track?? I love the tune anyway (how can you not?), but with Kraftwerk beat it’s even better. Thanks!

  68. piqued Says:

  69. piqued Says:

    The link has no connection to anything it’s just proper nice is all

  70. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Been a while since I listened to Neil Young. That’s a good song.

  71. indy Says:

    for another excellent popcorn cover i recommend chica libra’s “popcorn andino”. it’s supposed to be a peruan setting but it sounds very morricone spaghetti western to me.

  72. Napoleon Says:

    May I just say Happy Birthday to Swineshead, by the way. With his twenties now behind him, he’s only got old age, serious illness and death to look forward to.

    Here’s to you, Swineshead!

  73. piqued Says:

    I tried getting in touch with him earlier to do the same… no idea where he is.

    Happy birthday SH

  74. indy Says:

    ja må han leva, ja må han leva, ja må han leva uti hundrade år! ja visst ska han leva, ja visst ska han leva, ja visst ska han leva ut i hundrade år!

    (a birthday song from sweden, land of vikings and suicidal blondes)

    the 3-0. one foot in the grave etc.

  75. Napoleon Says:

    I assume he’s having an ill-deserved day off, Piqued. He’s probably in the park, pecking at crumbs of bread with his beak.

  76. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Happy Birthday, Swineshead! We feel for you.
    No wonder he’s not here.

  77. piqued Says:

    *b r e a k i n g n e w s*

    SH will be here shortly to be drenched in birthday wishes and pigs cum

  78. ugeine Says:

    Happy Birthday!

  79. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Are many people in Sweden live to see their hundrade år (in correct grammatical form, naturally)? I though all Swedes offed themselves after 33, having lived a life of sexual abandon on modernistic furniture, while watching Bergman’s films on their Bang&Olafsen TVs.
    I am big on national stereotypes, me.

  80. Napoleon Says:

    I see the Daily Mail have snouted out another bit of filth, this time uttered by unfunny Scotch ‘comedian’ Frankie Boyle. I for one will be sending an outraged letter of complaint to the BBC, demanding Boyle is fired from a cannon on board the HMS Victory into a wall covered with live scorpions and broken glass.

  81. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I mean “do many people in Sweden etc.” I am crimson with rag…, eh, shame.

  82. piqued Says:

    phwaor, they can offer themselves to me TV


    Oh, ‘offed’

    (phwaor anyway)

  83. Toothed Varmint Says:

    That was a repeat of Mock, anyway… From 2006, I think.

  84. piqued Says:

    The Daily Mail should be taken sobbing to the woods, raped to death by lepers and dismembered on the banks of the river Styx

  85. Napoleon Says:

    TV – 21 months ago, apparently. Doesn’t stop the fucking Mail reporting on it as if it’s brand new, I note. One of the comments sounds like something I’d write:

    “How dare they even think of touching the Queen with their filth!
    – Renee, Melbourne, Australia”

  86. piqued Says:

    21 months ago?

    For fucks sake!

  87. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve just left a comment saying the BBC should have retroactively learnt their lesson in light of the Russell Brand debacle. Apparently not, if Peter Cook’s outrageous comments on the BBC about the Royal Family in the 1960s is anything to go by.

  88. indy Says:

    Toothed Varmint: you are right about the grammar. i’m impressed.

    yup. you are fully correct with your ethnographical study on all but one point: bang&olufsson is a danish hifi producer. the dane. our sworn enemy, oncewhile competitor when it comes to supremace over the regions of norway, scania, blekinge and halland. having kicked them out of the three last mentioned provinces, we burnt down their capital (three miserable tree huts) in the 17th century. that taught them a lesson… the they joined forces when napoleon while we, the brave swedes joined england and russia against the french. nowadays i live in scania, not because i want to, but to make sure that the danes never get hold of it again.

  89. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Daily Mail really is repulsive.

  90. indy Says:

    “The Daily Mail should be taken sobbing to the woods, raped to death by lepers and dismembered on the banks of the river Styx”

    while being forced to listen to rock band styx

    ok. a national ban on satire. are you happy now andrew f*ckin sachs!?!

  91. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Wow, B&O is Danish? Live and learn! I’ve always considered it as swedish as ABBA, IKEA, the vegetable swede and other Swedish things. How wrong ш was…
    Denmark has Greenland, though. Is Sweden jealous?
    Russia and Sweden used to fight quite frequently if I remember correctly. Peter the Greak kicked some Swedish butt, or so I was taught…
    As for me – I like the new Roy Andersson’s film “You, the Living”.

  92. Napoleon Says:

    I thought Norway had Greenland? You learn something new every day on ‘ere.

  93. JonR Says:

    Celebrity Jobfinder

    Celebrity Pobl y Cwm

    Celebrity Test Tone

  94. indy Says:

    yup russia and sweden surely have had some fights. there still a trauma from the days you kicked us out from the eastern duchies, aka finland and estonia. but we did well in narva (8000 swedes against 26 000 russians) even though we lost in the long run.

    we are not jealous about greenland even though there might be some oil drilling there in a couple of years. i can tell you that greenland is a very sad place and that the streets of copenhagen are full of greenlandish rough sleepers.

  95. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I’m pretty sure it’s Denmark… I remember this book “Smilla’s Feeling for Snow”, that’s where I read about it.

  96. wally bazoom Says:

    Just to reference a comment from 10.54 am – Can are one of the greatest bands who ever existed. Top 5. Seminal. Don’t lump them in with all that other lot.

  97. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I was a bit unsure about putting Can on that list, to be perfectly frank.

  98. Swineshead Says:

    Can are fucking great.

    Some Yes is alright. If it’s Yes on the soundtrack to Buffalo 66 as I’ve been led to believe.


  99. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Celebrity Pobol Y Cwm is a brilliant idea! Make them learn Welsh!

  100. Toothed Varmint Says:

    He’s watching us. Couldn’t stay away. And who can blame him?

  101. Napoleon Says:

    TV – Don’t doubt y’self on my words. I thought it was Norway, but I’m not at all sure about it. If it’s Denmark, it’s Denmark. On this subject, I’m like that strangely sexually-attractive West Country cartoon bunny rabbit wot used to advertise Cadbury’s Caramel – Eeeeeeaaaaaaaasy.

  102. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Christ, any of yoos lot seen the Peaches article on the Nylon site? B3ta told me to go there, and I dutifully obeyed.

  103. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

  104. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Napoleon, OK, that’s good to hear. But we all know how you like a good argument, so your “eeeeeeeeasy” reminds me a bit of Faith No More’s version of “Easy” – you can hear Mike Patton sing that he’s easy like a Sunday morning, but we all know that even an easy Mike Patton can wreak havoc on our equilibrium with a loud bellow. Which is good, don’t get me wrong.
    In my book it’s good to be compared to Mike Patton from out off of Faith No More.

  105. Napoleon Says:

    I thought you were dead, Wagonwheel. I thought you’d have sympathised with Peaches over the backlash surrounding her journalistic ambitions? Forgive me if I’m wrong, but aren’t you a spoiled twit who’s got where he is today on daddy’s money, just like she is?

  106. Toothed Varmint Says:

    She’s got a husband? I thought she was 14!

  107. charliemingles Says:

    I hate to shatter the sexual memories of a lifetime napoleon, but you know who did the voice for that rabbit dont you?

    Miriam Margoyles:

  108. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Gosh no, daddy left and I was left in the disgusting pit of lower-middle-classdom with mother.

  109. charliemingles Says:

    that one works better, if anyones interested.

  110. daveselectricblanket Says:

    It’s Halloween!

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