Celebrity Scissorhands


celebrity scissorhands

Good God.

I know it’s for charity, this Celebrity Scissorhands. I know it’s only BBC3. But when Children in Need are taking a format as unsuccessful, squalid and dull as Channel 4’s long abandoned ‘The Salon’ and resurrecting it, peopling it with micro-celebs – people you’re guaranteed to have to scrape the darkest recess of your brain to recognise – they really must be desperate for money. Or ideas.

The credits roll and, quite unlike most celebrity-competition TV stuff, they don’t have idents for each contestant. ‘That’s weird’, you think to yourself. Then later, as you’re stuck in the salon with a bunch of completely unrecognisable faces, you see why they’ve dropped the roll call at the beginning. It’s because none of these people are well-known. Even in the broadest sense of what ‘celebrity’ might mean, we’ve stretched and ultimately snapped the definition here.

In the half hour I could bear, I noticed a bloke who used to be in that lowly boyband 5ive, Lucinda off the Apprentice, a girl who might have been in an R&B band at some point, Steve Strange (though I’m not sure if he’s even taking part) and Zammo.

That’s it. The rest of them may have brushed with fame at one point, but it can only have been the lightest of touches.

Still, it only takes a gentle nudge to catch scabies, so clearly these poor sods are so infested with celebrity that they’re doomed to take part in endless, faded reality formats, taking part in crudely formed popularity contests, surrendering their dignity for a fee or for the misguided kudos that comes with doing your bit for charity.

To top things off, that ubiquitous ignoramous George Lamb fronts the show, meaning we’re not even out of neutral before our teeth are grinding.

Who likes this man? Am I missing something?

With every male presenter on youth television I can see at least one thing within them that might appeal to a niche demographic but with Lamb I can’t see a single redeeming characteristic. Not one. And to make things worse, he takes any work that comes his way, meaning he’s riding every air and radiowave in the country, wasting endless spools of film and rolls of tape on that jarring, affected accent and the dyed white ‘do he’s got atop his empty head.

Once we’re into the show, we discover that the task this episode is for the contestants to cut some hair whilst a child cuts some hair on the other side of the room. Then someone will judge who cut the hair more skilfully – the child or the grown up.

Guess what?

The grown up won.

Aside from the mammoth task and the suspense, drama and incident that sprang off it, the most memorable moment was when Willow turned up with his family for nor reason.

The only other thing that stuck in the mind was how much of a complete and utter cock this fringed fuckwit is. Never heard of him before, never want so see him again. He might even win in a cock-off with George Lamb. Such a cock, such an irredeemably dislikable cock, that he doesn’t even irritate you. You just head in the other direction and pretend you never saw it. Blanked through trauma, like the sight of a dead relative’s carcass.

So please – give money to Children in Need. But don’t, whatever you do, tune into this flotsam.

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78 Responses to “Celebrity Scissorhands”

  1. ugeine Says:

    George Lamb reminds me of Nathan Barley.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Is that dye in his hair or a genuine white streak?
    And is he the offspring of Larry Lamb (Archie out of Eastenders)?

  3. Swineshead Says:

    He is Larry Lamb’s child, I’ve been reliably informed.

  4. ugeine Says:

    I went out with a girl with a genuine white streak. It was quite hot, i used to pretend she was that girl from X Men. His is probably dye though, they wouldn’t have it the other way on tele.

  5. Swineshead Says:

    Like that lady in Poltergeist? She looked lovely with that white streak.

  6. charliemingles Says:

    Thank the lord for excellent marketing: the title of this show told me exactly what I culd expect and I’ve subsequently managed to avoid it completely with zero curiosity. Having said that, I forgot about my TV reviewing sideline and probbaly should have tuned in for material.

    Just the photo of the appropriately-named Jeff Leach is enough to make me heave. You might be right about him challenging lamb’s title – I might even tune in now out of curiosity. See what you’ve done?

    By the way, my sister-in-law is a hairdresser and she’s one of the sweetest, nicest people you’ll ever meet. I’m sure proper hairdressers all ove the country are tearing their hair out.

  7. ugeine Says:

    How does this link to Children in Need, exactly? What’s the aim of putting programmes like this on?

  8. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I think I know who Kim Mazelle is, she was in some band, I remember the name. And I know who Lucinda is. But the rest of them – no clue, not a single tiny clue. I haven’t watched the programme, just the webpage. I think it would be more interesting to go to a real hairdresser’s and observe the proceedings. Not that I’m going to, mind.
    On a different note – thank you, Charliemingles, for the link to the “Century of the Self” documentary, I haven’t seen anything more interesting for ages and watched the whole 4 hours in one go yesterday. No idea how I missed it the first time around. Really glad I watched it, thank you very much indeed!

  9. Dave Says:

    Is the century of the self about Freudian psychology being used to change social trends for government ends? If so, it’s a good one.

  10. ugeine Says:

    I watched black books last night. I forget how funny Dylan Moran is.

  11. charliemingles Says:

    Glad you enjoyed it TV. One of the best documentary series ever broadcast in my view.

    I studied all that stuff at university, but I learned more from that one documentary than four years of drinking, shagging and reading the occassional book. Who would’ve thought it.

    Yes thats the one Dave. excellent excellent stuff.

  12. Badger Madge Says:

    Getting to the stage now where is a no body can go on a prog and be a celeb, then the ‘celeb versions’ of shows surely don’t exist…?

    I’m so tired. I hope that makes sense.

  13. indy Says:

    please check sabrina’s picture in the upper frame. she is labelled as “generic logo” whereas all the others are labelled with their names.

  14. indy Says:

    …on the bbc site that is

  15. indy Says:

    i preferred “the trap” by adam curtis

  16. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I haven’t seen anything by Mr Cutris before yesterday, but now I’m going to find whatever I can of his work. Brilliant.

  17. indy Says:

    is it correct to say that mr curtis is pro-representation, pro-authority (if elected, see previous) and pro-idealism?

  18. Toothed Varmint Says:

    It is a fair assessment, Indy. But more importantly – he is very a informative and lucid narrator.

  19. Toothed Varmint Says:

    And I am not, evidently. Blast!

  20. Swineshead Says:

    Once again I am debating over at Collins’ blog.


    Now I am going to investigate The Century of Will Self to see why you lot are going on about it.

    Last night I watched court footage from Jeff Dahmer’s trial. It was genuinely upsetting.

  21. Napoleon Says:

    Live & Lift!

    Now then. I saw this rubbish the other night and it was as described. Who the FUCK are these people?

  22. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I had no idea Steve McQueen was black. Not that it matters, obviously.

  23. Swineshead Says:

    I read Live and Lift last night. Utterly hilarious. Mass followed by the benchpress. Sounds like unfettered HELL to me.

  24. Napoleon Says:

    He’s taking his body to the edge, Swineshead. I reckon a star has been accidentally born thanks to WordPress’s ‘possibly related posts’ function. You should link to him, and maybe some of his POWER will seep back here and make us all 20% more muscular.

    LIVE & LIFT!

  25. Toothed Varmint Says:

    The Century of Will Self would be excruciatingly verbose and filled with calamitous yet precociously risque elan and joie-de-vivre, I fear.

  26. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Sorry, what are you two on about? What’s Live & Lift?

  27. Napoleon Says:

    It’s only the most powerful blog on the internet, TV …


    LIVE & LIFT!

  28. Swineshead Says:

    Simon Pegg – you are one day too late…


    Very similar point made here yesterday.
    Thanks Ugeine for the tip.

  29. ugeine Says:

    Go to the related posts on yesterdays post, there’s one that is a lsit of numbers. It’s some twunt telling nobody how much working out he has done. Hilarious stuff.

  30. Napoleon Says:

    There’s something truly bizarre about it, Ugeine. I like the fact he gives you a snippet of his musclebound day at the conclusion of his workout list. Superb.

  31. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Thanks, Napoleon. Something new every day. This site is so darn USEFUL, apart from everything else.

  32. ugeine Says:

    It is strangely compelling. Why is he posting it on the internet? It’s almost a mystery.

  33. Dave Says:

    He is a youing man using blogging to motivate himself as he attempts, unlike you bastards, to better himself.

    I, myself, inspired by this ‘Live and Lift’ ethos lifted a cat last night twice. I may lift some other objects of varying weight tonight.

  34. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Does masturbation count as lifting, however tenuously? I might qualify.

  35. Napoleon Says:

    I like the sinister ‘Search & Destroy’ tattoos on his back. I’ll wager he would search us all out and destroy us if he knew we were talking about him. HE IS POWER.

  36. ugeine Says:

    No, he isn’t. He’s a tool who thinks the fact that he works out counts as a substitute for personality. Just imagine if this blog was similar: Today’s

    TV, by Swineshead.

    Got home from work.
    Scrubs x 1 hr,
    24hr news X 1 hr
    1xhr The Sarah Connor Chronicles.
    Movie, point break, 1hr 45mins.

  37. ugeine Says:

    Holy fuck, there’s pictures of him?

  38. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I bought The Wire 5 earlier today. I am tingling.

  39. ugeine Says:

    What does an awesome dude do when he’s not lifting weights? Why, play KICK ASS ROCK MUSIC!


    I bet his album is called ‘blood sweat and tears.’

  40. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Would be better if he sang Michael Bolton-style ballads. Or ragga.

  41. ugeine Says:

    Ha! Yeah. Or Dolly Parton Covers.


  42. Toothed Varmint Says:

    WORKING OUT, even.

  43. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Come to think of it, Michael Bolton has a song which could be very apt for our powerful friend – “Steel Bars”. He might change it to “Steel Barbells”, though, for image’s sake.
    Yeah, I am familiar with Michael Bolton’s back catalogue. Former GF was an avid fan. It was tough.

  44. ugeine Says:

    ‘Also bought a grill today so meat consumption will increase 10-fold.’

    Cripes, I can rest easy now.

  45. indy Says:

    “total eclipse of the heart”

  46. Swineshead Says:

    We need to engage this man in a dialogue.

  47. Napoleon Says:

    That meat consumption quote is excellent. I love the idea he had to get an extra cooking device to increase his intake of meat. You can imagine him looking at his cooker, the hobs all boiling meat, the grill grilling meat, the oven stuffed with roasting meat, and him thinking,

    “Man not cook enough meat! Man need grill to increase meat eating tenfold!”

  48. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – I tried to boast about my noidal intake and carrabaloid grounting, but he was having none of it. Too busy body-building to waste his time on the utterings of puny mortals.

  49. Swineshead Says:

    We need to get his attention.
    How about ‘Blogging the Bloggers’ – a new idea for future articles – reviewing other peoples’ blogs to assist the ‘net in eating itself.

  50. Napoleon Says:

    I’d be up for that.

  51. PTH Says:

    It seems this man can lift more weights without his shirt on. Score.

    Back to Scissorhands, I see Scott from 5ive is still rockin’ the pierced eyebrow. With that fashion sense, I want him to cut my hair.

  52. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Brilliant idea, Swineshead! His blog can be the starting point.

  53. Swineshead Says:

    Lovely stuff. That’s another thing to add to Napoleon’s workload.

  54. Dave Says:

    That’s a good idea. I’m going to Blog the Blogs that Blog the Blogs.

  55. Napoleon Says:

    I think they should do a show where you put a car, several baked potatoes and Brian Harvey on an island, and then have the audience take bets on how quickly these three uneasy bedfellows collide, resulting in Harvey running himself over.

  56. Who Says:

    Damn, I like to think he’s chowing down on a whole cow (raw) with one hand, whilst blogging with the other. I used to think of Napp, whoops, NC, in the same way until I discovered he only eats scotch eggs and cabbages.


  57. Toothed Varmint Says:

    It’s really hard to discuss some nanocelebs with scissors when there’s such an interesting, shirt-lifting, meat-devoted, bad-ass-roker dude to marvel at. He should be on TV!

    Er, I don’t mean “shirt-lifting” in any derogatory sense< I just mean he lifts weights with his shirt on. I didn’t mean to imply… I am afraid of him, if anything. He could lift me and eat me.

  58. Toothed Varmint Says:

    “He could lift me and eat me” – that also sounds wrong. Damn, what is it with me?
    I need some meat.

  59. ugeine Says:

    This man needs his own TOTALLY EXTREME work out / Meat cooking show hybrid. Love the new idea for a feature as well, I’ll keep a look out for blogs.

  60. ugeine Says:

    ‘Happened to be surfing the web and saw that World’s Strongest Man is gonna be in West Virginia in september. Its a 500mile drive, but fuck it, i’d do it to see pudzianowski.’

  61. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Actually, his single-minded dedication is really admirable. Or would be if it wasn’t so bleeding funny.

  62. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – Another magnificent quote. This site may prove to be the finest thing on the entire internet.

  63. ugeine Says:

    It’s stopped me from doing work for the last three hours, Napoleon. There’s also a bit where he’s travelling across the US from a work function and realises he’s in the same town as a famous powerlifting brand, so drives half way across the city, out the city, through miles of farmland so he can pose outside their offices.


  64. Toothed Varmint Says:

    >just tinted windows, a door and a large garage door. I struck a pose.

    I wonder who took the photo? He never mentiones any companions. Just doors.

  65. Swineshead Says:

    Would’ve liked to meet some other brothers of iron, but I’m glad just to have seen the establishment that crafted so many talented lifters.

  66. Napoleon Says:

    Brothers of Iron!

  67. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Talented lifters!
    I snigger like a schoolgirl, I just can’t help it.

  68. Napoleon Says:

    You learn something new everyday from the mighty Live & Lift! Who’d have thought Saturday afternoons are NOT the time for power-lifting? I imagine this particular time of the day is reserved for eating 400 kilos of raw meat.

    Got some tires? Let’s fucking flip ’em!

  69. Who Says:

    I’m like, totally getting Brothers of Iron tattooed across my breasts. Awesome.

  70. ugeine Says:

    Brothers of iron would be a kick ass band name.

  71. Swineshead Says:


  72. Napoleon Says:

    I’m having ‘Brothers of Iron’ tattooed across my ass. That way my power-lifting buddies can see how loyal I am to the weight-lifting cause it when I bend over in the showers after a heavy session of bench-pressing and steroid injections. Fuck yeah!

  73. Toothed Varmint Says:

    In a word (well, three) – made my day. Lift on!

  74. ugeine Says:


    That’s the club his band plays at.

  75. ali Says:

    You can’t just watch one episode of celebrity scissoshands and expect to ‘get it’ straight away. It shows the progress of the celebities from having no experience in hairdressing to becoming quite presentable hair stylists. There’s a lot of drama and humour along the way but most of all, the clients have raised money for children in need entrusting the celebritiies with their treasured locks which more often than not results in tears (well what did they expect!). The reason that willow (by the way his real name is Warwick davis) was on their was because last year he was a contender on the show. It must be said that he was the best celebrity that they’ve had on there showing himself to be a natural comedian and a genuinely lovely man.

  76. Swineshead Says:

    Thanks for that Ali – I don’t doubt Warwick Willow is a lovely man.

  77. Dina Says:

    May I just add that I was the person judging this kids vs celebrity cut off, and overall the kids won so there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Also, may I add, that I think you should get out more, and stop writing mean things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

  78. Swineshead Says:

    You may add that Dina – your contribution is valued. As for getting out more – have you seen the weather?

    I’m staying in with a cup of tea and a slice of cake, thanks.

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