News Gush: Who’s the New Doctor Who?

by

It’s official. During the total fiasco that was last week’s National Television Awards (is there anyone on earth more wooden than Trevor McDonald?) David Tennant confirmed that he’d be leaving the show in 2009 after another four specials next year.

Speculation has inevitably started about who will be replacing him. Names in the frame so far include: John Simm, David Morrissey, James Nesbitt, Rhys Ifans and little-known Paterson Joseph, who could become the first black Doctor Who:

More off-the-wall suggestions include both Stephen Fry and Stephen Merchant. Personally, I don’t think they need to look any further. I think Stephen Merchant would be a superb Doctor Who. But what about a woman this time?

Would that work?

I hear Russell Brand is now free…

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149 Responses to “News Gush: Who’s the New Doctor Who?”

  1. Nick T Says:

    Russel Brand would be a great Who.
    I just found these http://www.myspace.com/gentlemenhall
    Just saying, they are fantastic

  2. Nick T Says:

    Paterson Joseph is the new Obama….

  3. ugeine Says:

    In a brilliant display of how race issues hold little importance in 2008, there would be a quite vocal backlash if the part was given to anybody other then a white male. So my vote goes for Rowan Atkinson.

  4. Nick T Says:

    I don’t think so. Given that mainly kids watch it.

  5. ugeine Says:

    Nick… Milky Bar kid.

  6. wally bazoom Says:

    Can’t be John Simm, coz he’s THE MASTER. James Nesbitt would be terrible. Rhys Ifans could work.

    What about Bill Nighy for a touch of that William Hartnell?

  7. Nick T Says:

    I must have missed the milky bar kid debate…

  8. Napoleon Says:

    We’re having another goon day today, are we?

  9. ugeine Says:

    Basically, Nick, the mascot that hawks chocolate to children has to be of white Anglo Saxon genes, otherwise you feel the wrath of Middle England.

  10. Nick T Says:

    I see.
    I like milky bars.
    I don’t remember seeing an ad for them for ages.
    Naps, wot doth thou meanest?

  11. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – Goons discussing science fiction children’s television. You are all goons.

  12. wally bazoom Says:

    If you don’t like Dr Who, there’s something wrong with your brain.

  13. Nick T Says:

    I haven’t watched Who since Peter Davidson.
    I do fancy a milky bar though..

  14. Dave Says:

    They should dig a hole and bury the fucking show. Russell T Davies ruined the whole fucking thing, you arses. And to proactively turn this into a needless race debate makes you all Guardian readin lunatics, you arses!

  15. Badger Madge Says:

    I’ve posted something similar on my blog – these “first black” debates running alongside each other. The geeks don’t mind a black doctor, but are up in arms about a female…

  16. Badger Madge Says:

    and aren’t you implying that brand is a woman???

  17. ugeine Says:

    Damned Guardian readers, suggesting that a person of Non Aryan stock should play the Doctor! If black people want to appear on television, they should stick to roles such as maid and comic relief.

  18. Napoleon Says:

    “If you don’t like Dr Who, there’s something wrong with your brain.”

    I don’t like Blue Peter, Newsround or the recently defunct Grange Hill either, Wally. This is because, like Doctor Who, they’re not made for me.

  19. Nick T Says:

    There are debates about first blacks?
    People read the Guardian?
    Adults watch Doctor Who?

    All these new things

  20. Dave Says:

    You twat, Ugeine.

  21. Nick T Says:

    The Inbetweeners, now that’s a great show.
    I think it may have been made just for me.

  22. Dave Says:

    I can just imagine Martin Luther King shedding a proud tear as the monumental chapter in black history that is a black Dr Who arrives.

  23. ugeine Says:

    You badger’s testicle, Dave.

  24. roszs Says:

    They should get someone with an actual doctorate to play him, such as Dr Robert Winston or the recently disgraced Dr Raj Persaud.

  25. Nick T Says:

    Little steps Dave, little steps.
    Dr King was very partial to a milky bar…

  26. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t think the late Dr. King would give a tupenny fuck, Dave.

  27. Nick T Says:

    How about Dr Gillian McKeith, she could look at Darlek poos.

  28. ugeine Says:

    Ros: Gillian McKeith! She’d be perfect.

  29. ugeine Says:

    Ooh, spooky.

  30. Nick T Says:

    *backs out of room*

  31. Dave Says:

    That was my point, NC. Even though my favourite for Dr Who is Adrian Lester it’d be because he’s a brilliant, engaing actor with a brilliant, proven CV. The fact he’s black means nothing to me at all. Do people here even understand what post-racial is? It means seeing people as people and not being a perpetual apologist, YOU ARSES.

    And Luthers dream, I’d imagine, never involved Gallifrey. I might be wrong.

  32. Napoleon Says:

    I couldn’t care less who plays him. I’m much more interested in these 12 foot lizard people David Icke says are secretly running the world. It seems a bit off that they can run the world without first putting themselves up for public vote like wot us humans do.

  33. Do I not like that! Says:

    Dave is speaking some sense. To quote Bob Marley, the colour of a skin should be of no more significance than the colour of his eyes.

    BTW..Hamilton, Obama and Marley ….half white!

  34. wally bazoom Says:

    In what respect is Dr Who not a programme intended for adults? Please detail your response with examples. You may also wish to clarify what precisely entails programming content for adults and for children.

  35. ugeine Says:

    So, Dave suggests that to criticise certain Dr. Who fans who believe the Dr. should be white is utter madness (rather then criticising the people who think the Dr. should be white in the first place). This wins him comparisons with Bob Marley? Have you ever listened to Bob Marley? Because (and I’m guessing here) I think he was fairly open to the idea of opening a discourse on race.

  36. Dave Says:

    Ugeine, you’re so off point there’s no point in responding.

  37. Nick T Says:

    Dave, you seem caught up in this whole race thing.
    My “Obama” comment was pure glib.
    I think Burt Kwouk would make a great Who..

  38. Napoleon Says:

    Wally – It’s made for kids! It has always been made for kids! For other examples of juvenile rubbish, see:

    Star Wars
    Dora The Explorer
    Tellytubbies

    You childish goon! Grow up and stop watching children’s TV, you big baby.

  39. Nick T Says:

    That’s a lot of work there Wally.
    I doubt if anyone has the time….

  40. ugeine Says:

    I think I’m pretty dead on centre, Dave X.

  41. Do I not like that! Says:

    Ugeine, Dave is correct again. I did not glean what you gleaned from his statement. My understanding of his point is that, if we go on about the first “insert which ever ethnic group you wish” this perpetuates the difference, whereas it should be no big deal whether the new Dr. Who is whatever.
    BTW: Dr. Who should be Edwardian. It was mistake to move away from this idea.

  42. Dave Says:

    I’m caught up in people caught up in it, Nick. There’s a difference. I just think we’re ready as a society to look at cultural difference, yes, but not skin colour. This Dr Who debate, although well intended, actually stinks of positive racism – which is an oxymoron, by the way.

    *steps off soap ladder and attacks people wanting Leo Sayer to be the next John Shaft*

  43. wally bazoom Says:

    I understood this was a platform for serious debate. I may have been misled.

  44. ugeine Says:

    I might wait until somebody actually understands my point before I respond again. IDNLT, you’ve basically just summarised my argument, that casting Dr. Who should be a meritocratic process.

  45. Nick T Says:

    *soap BOX

    This society has AlWAYS been ready to look at cultural differences but most people just can’t be arsed.

    Next Who http://www.channel4.com/more4/media/L/lastword/images/hosts/hardeep_238x154.jpg

  46. Dave Says:

    I have a SOAP LADDER, what of it?

  47. Nick T Says:

    I think you have been misled Wally.

    This started as a chat about a fictional time travelling childrens programme….

  48. Nick T Says:

    Don’t leave it out in the rain Dave.

  49. Dave Says:

    Pass me a picke, Nick, you pickle collecting weirdo. Eggs today, is it? Don’t eat too many, they’ll bloat a man.

  50. Do I not like that! Says:

    My choice would be (as mentioned last week when we discussed this), Who Ahh Cantona as the new Dr. I might actually watch the program if this happened.

    BTW, interesting program on Radio 4 last night available on the website, Iconaclasts with Ed Stourton discussing web 2.0 and it’s effect. Interesting discussion.

  51. piqued Says:

    What the FUCK is going on in here?

    NC, you’re supposed to be keeping an eye on things… Don’t make me come in there

  52. Dave Says:

    THANK CHRIST! A GROWN-UP!

  53. Badger Madge Says:

    but isn’t it interesting how sexism is clearly so rife and yet race has come in in leaps and bounds.

    yes, race shouldn’t matter – but sadly, for some, it still does.

  54. Badger Madge Says:

    and whoever mentioned badger’s balls… i’ll have you know they’re the best around.

  55. ugeine Says:

    Is there anywhere that eats badger?

  56. roszs Says:

    McKeith ain’t no doctor.

    I think they should go for Floella Benjamin.

  57. Napoleon Says:

    There’s nothing sexist in wanting Doctor Who to remain a man, Badger. The argument by the preposterous, bra-burning leftover wimmin’s lobby that there’s no reason why the new Doctor couldn’t be a woman is as preposterous a notion as the one touted a few years ago that James Bond should be female. Why do women think that their sex playing traditional male fictional roles would enhance those roles? Men don’t rant that the new Miss Marple should have a cock swinging between her legs. We’re not clamouring for a new Wonder Woman replete with a five o’clock shadow and an adam’s apple. Stop trying to tie in a debate about whether the new Doctor should be black with a completely seperate argument about sexism. The two are not in the slightest bit related.

  58. Badger Madge Says:

    i know a few blokes who have… 😉

    sorry.

  59. charliemingles Says:

    Can I suggest Peached Geldof as the new Doctor Who. That girl can turn her hand to anything.

  60. Badger Madge Says:

    i’m only tying them in because it’s an argument that has kept the geeks busy since time began. i actually agree. i think the doc is a white male. othello is a black man, marple is a white oap lady… that’s just how it is…

    but i do find it interesting – same as the us election. people would rather have a man (black or otherwise) run america/the world than a woman (black or other).

  61. Dave Says:

    Doctor Who is a Doctor. MEN are doctors, women are nursemaids.

    I though you were bright, BM (well, for a lady).

  62. Nick T Says:

    Pickle?
    Moi?
    ?

  63. Nick T Says:

    That would depend on the man/woman though Madge shurley…

  64. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t agree. There have been plenty of examples of women in power – uber-conservative, Islamic Pakistan springs to mind. I think America didn’t like the idea of either Bill Clinton’s awful wife or that joke Sarah Palin being allowed anywhere near the White House. There are more women in the USA than men, and I’m sure if they were presented with a suitable female candidate they – and a lot of males – would vote for her. The concept of female leaders is hardly ground-breaking anymore, is it?

    On a personal level, I would never have a woman running the world. You people bugger about too much for my liking.

  65. ugeine Says:

    Othello, as a character, doesn’t have the ability to morph into whatever shape he wants after dying. I think that it wouldn’t make the slightest difference if Dr. Who was a black woman. James Bond is a bit different as his character is a suave, womanising tit.

    having said that, you could make the new Dr. a six foot lizard with giant testicles and I still wouldn’t watch.

  66. charliemingles Says:

    an indication of how junk mail captures the zeitgeist: today in my junk mailbox, the first one that says: video of obamas wife nude.

  67. roszs Says:

    ugeine – do you get badgers anywhere but the UK? They seem like quite an english animal somehow.

    I expect they eat them in Cornwall.

  68. roszs Says:

    Why does Dr Who have to be a white male? I thought he sort of shape-shifted around?

    It is quite important that MISS Marple be a lady I think, as she is unable to transmogrify into different incarnations.

    (Excuse my ignorance, like Napoleon I don’t tend to watch much children’s TV. Apart from reruns of Press Gang.)

  69. Nick T Says:

    Badger is the common name for any animal of three subfamilies, which belong to the family Mustelidae: the same mammal family as the ferrets, the weasels, the otters, and several other types of carnivore. There are eight species of badger, in three subfamilies: Melinae (badgers of Europe and Asia – see links in species list below), Mellivorinae (the Ratel or honey badger), and Taxideinae (the American badger). The Asiatic stink badgers of the genus Mydaus were formerly included in the Melinae, but recent genetic evidence indicates that these are actually Old World relatives of the skunks (family Mephitidae).

    Typical badgers (Meles, Arctonyx, Taxidea and Mellivora species) are short-legged and heavy-set. The lower jaw is articulated to the upper by means of a transverse condyle firmly locked into a long cavity of the cranium, so that dislocation of the jaw is all but impossible. This enables the badger to maintain its hold with the utmost tenacity, but limits its jaw movement to hinging opening and shutting or sliding from side to side.

  70. Dave Says:

    Doctor Who had a daughter in An Unearthly Child suggesting they can produce female Timelords. So it wouldn’t be *ahem* badgering about with the canon.

    If the new Dr had big tits, I’d consider putting my sexism to one side and allowing such a casting.

  71. Napoleon Says:

    They’re all backwards in Cornwall.

    Anyway. Don’t speak too soon, Ugeine. If disgraced former Green Party spokesman David Icke is to be believed, the current Doctor is already being played by a 12-foot lizard fella wot drinks baby blood and molests ol women. His successor will no doubt be the same. It’s a fucking outrage is what it is.

  72. roszs Says:

    Sorry, just realised I repeated ugeine’s point. I AM SO FICK.

  73. ugeine Says:

    Roszszeszdewzzxasses: Honey badgers live in Iraq. They are very vicious and have a loose skin that makes them hard to grip on to.

  74. Dave Says:

    ‘They are very vicious and have a loose skin that makes them hard to grip on to.’

    Sounds like my ex-wife! Jim Davidson would say.

  75. piqued Says:

    If it was a woman it could be called Doctor Ho, she could slut her way over the universe fucking all the aliens on the basis she couldn’t help herself, the ho…

  76. Napoleon Says:

    I’d watch Doctor Ho. In fact, I have a funny feeling I already have.

  77. ugeine Says:

    Well, Nick explained it a lot better then me.

  78. ugeine Says:

    There’s a very interesting argument that compares the role of the Dr. in Dr. Who to Kirk in Star Trek and discusses what it says about the countries’ respective foreign policy.

    Sorry, did I say interesting? I meant the other one. Tedious.

  79. Napoleon Says:

    It says ‘ere that the Twin Towers couldn’t have been knocked over by planes because of some steel temperature thing. I’m only half-listening to the ranting American man I’m watching on YouTube as I keep on having to watch out for lizard people stormtroopers coming down the cellar steps.

    There’s something about an eye on the back of the dollar …

  80. charliemingles Says:

    I agree with both dave and piqued. A big titted slutty doctor who would certainly help to challenge these sexist notions and I for one would add my support.

    If she also happens to service Davros through an interplanetary gloryhole -then even better say I.

    That said, how would the TARDIS stand being hoovered all the time for no good reason – not because its dirty or nothing, but just because she’s in a foul mood and wants to piss off her assistant/boyfriend/husband/any other poor fucker in the room.

    -whats wrong doc?

    – Nothing! nothings fucking wrong . right. fucking nothing …

  81. Nick T Says:

    I was told that Zeitgeist was bollocks

  82. wally bazoom Says:

    You may also recall that in the climax to the last series, the Doctor’s timelord consciousness cross-germinated with Donna via the severed hand, thus creating the ‘Doctor Donna’ predicted by the Ood a few weeks earlier, and a very much female Doctor. So that base has already been covered.

  83. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles – She’d no dount fire up the vacuum the moment her assistant sits down to watch the Champions League. And no doubt the world would end up being overrun by aliens because she’s back at the police box doing her hair instead of fighting sinister galactic forces.

    There’s also the sticky issue that she’d have to break off battling the forces of evil every afternoon to pick up her kids from school and get her husband’s dinner on. It simply wouldn’t work.

  84. Napoleon Says:

    “You may also recall that in the climax to the last series, the Doctor’s timelord consciousness cross-germinated with Donna via the severed hand, thus creating the ‘Doctor Donna’ predicted by the Ood a few weeks earlier, and a very much female Doctor. So that base has already been covered.”

    Jesus.

  85. charliemingles Says:

    – why are you puttin on that sexy cocktail dress, doc? Youre only meeting the leader of the claxtarz.

    – I didnt put it on for him right? I’m wearing it for myself. Anyway – his wifes a fucking bitch. I’ll show her what a pair of tits looks like. Three tits, my arse. Pass us those really uncomfortable heels.

  86. wally bazoom Says:

    Napolean – the subtleties of irony are quite beyond you, aren’t they? Poor lamb.

  87. daveselectricblanket Says:

    Zeitgeist Addendum makes interesting points but that’s because it relates to money and not ancioent bastartd civilisations predicting the apocalypse in 2012. The Olympics will be shit, just not the end of the world.

  88. Napoleon Says:

    Wally – Not at all. Serve some up for once, and I’ll soak up the subtleties.

  89. charliemingles Says:

    anyone see al green on later? pissed all over every one of those dull cunts. killers my arse.

  90. piqued Says:

    Oh dear Wally, oh deary fucking dear..

  91. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – The end of the world’s coming in 2012, is it? I’d best start stocking up on shotgun cartridges, chicken wire and tins of Noodle Doodles.

  92. Do I not like that! Says:

    Whilst I do not think that Dr. Who and Captain James T Kirk can be compared at all, may I remind you of Captain Janeway? They are completely lost on the USS Voyager. Lost, no idea where they are or how to get home!

  93. Dave Says:

    The world will collide with the mighty planet X in 2012, the noodles will serve you not.

    If you laughed hard at Loose Change, you’ll laugh harder at Zeitgeist (although the new one is quite good – Addendum).

  94. wally bazoom Says:

    Piqued – eh?

  95. Napoleon Says:

    I’ll have to check this Zeitgeist out. Do they mention David Icke’s lizard fellas? I don’t like those buggers one bit.

  96. ugeine Says:

    ‘Whilst I do not think that Dr. Who and Captain James T Kirk can be compared at all, may I remind you of Captain Janeway? They are c ompletely lost on the USS Voyager. Lost, no idea where they are or how to get home!’

    Heh, good point! Bloody female drivers, she’s probably dragging them to an Intergalactic Body Shop or something.

  97. charliemingles Says:

    I’ve just heard the King of these lizard lads giving a speech – he promises CHANGE, CHANGE and then, if that doesn’t work, CHANGE again.

    You simply cant argue with well thought out economic policies like that. Were fucked.

  98. ugeine Says:

    Oh, and as I love sci fi arguments, until somebody writes the definitive biological journal on the Time Lord race I doubt we’ll know one way or the other if the dr. can regenerate into a woman.

  99. Napoleon Says:

    What’s the Lizard King planning to change America to? Please God, don’t tell me it’s France.

    *crosses fingers that it’s not France*

  100. charliemingles Says:

    it might be france …

  101. Napoleon Says:

    Oh for fuck’s …

  102. charliemingles Says:

    it gets worse. his wife writes these folk songs …fucking awful they are. all about how we should all unite as one in peace n love n stuff, so that they can drink our blood and infect our DNA codes. all the usual hippy shite.

  103. Napoleon Says:

    That’s just typical of these (lizard) people. Lull us into a folk-induced coma so they can have our kids away and drain ’em of their blood. You’d think more was being said about this on the news, wouldn’t you?

    Mind you … I bet it’s all lizards on there as well. BASTARDS.

  104. ugeine Says:

    That Lizard scum would have to get through our Brothers of Iron first.

  105. charliemingles Says:

    its one rule for these lizard people and another for the rest of us.

    I hear tell it was one of them lizards driving that plane wot crashed into that building. And on that grassy knoll an all. he said he was just sunbathing, but thats plainly bollocks.

    it all joins up. if you spend enough time. And try not to read any actual ‘facts’ as the sceptics call them.

  106. piqued Says:

    Wally -B

  107. Napoleon Says:

    If you watch the film ‘How The Lizards Done Toppled Them Towers’ by stoned Californian surfing guru Chudd Fuddsworth, you’ll see evidence that these lizard fellas blew up the World Trade Center using secret space weapons the government won’t admit to having. Well they wouldn’t, would they?

    BECAUSE THEY’RE THESE LIZARD BUGGERS TOO!

  108. charliemingles Says:

    the ladies love these lizard lads though napoleon – they’ve got very long tongues and they never complain about lying on the beach all day reading shite novels.

    I fear they may have already enslaved our female population. I saw a girl starring in one of those new ‘lizards n blonde chics’ porno films last night. Disgusting.

  109. Napoleon Says:

    Is that the one where the chap has to keep stopping so he can go outside and bask?

  110. charliemingles Says:

    yes. the basking bastard.

    He’s just rubbing it in our faces. Or, to be strictly accurate, her face. But I think Ive made my point.

  111. Dave Says:

    A French cunt’s moved in to ours. He speaks to himself when he goes to have a piss at 4am. ‘Ploop-de-plop-de-ploop? Ca va’? No other nation does that.

  112. charliemingles Says:

    you filthy racist dave. you should be ashamed of yourself …

    As I was saying – … and dont get me started on these transexual lizards. They’re disturbingly attractive – if you ignore their giant lizard cocks and deep gravely voices. As I tend to do.

  113. Dave Says:

    We must call upon The Masters of the Universe if we’re to conquer the wrath of the lizards!

  114. Napoleon Says:

    They’ve infiltrated the transexual community, have they? Someone should warn Lewis Hamilton …

  115. charliemingles Says:

    they have napoleon. lewis hamilton does have something of the ladyboy about him.

    In fact, Im pretty sure I overheard him saying to the boss of McLaren ‘ Me drive you long time.’

  116. Dave Says:

    Now who’s the racist, Mingles?

  117. Napoleon Says:

    I was referring to his ladyboy partner, Mingles. Each to their own nowadays, I suppose. ‘Anything goes’ – that’s the modern ethos, ain’t it? Well let them have their fun here on earth …

    … THEY’LL SEE THE ERROR OF THEIR DEVIANT WAYS WHEN THEY’RE ROASTING FOR ALL ETERNITY IN THE FIERY PITS OF HELL!

  118. charliemingles Says:

    you dave – as ever. you filthy racist.

    See – its down there in black and white ( see above). you cant argue with hard facts like that.

  119. piqued Says:

    Moreover Dave, any more comments (now deleted) like that on my blog then I’m going to hit you where it hurts

  120. Napoleon Says:

    Don’t worry, Piqued. Dave’s wanked his way to an afterlife of never-ending torment in the blast furnaces located inside Beelzebub’s stinking rectum.

  121. ugeine Says:

    Where is SH?

  122. piqued Says:

    I don’t give a shit what he does NC…

    He’s under the weather U, back tomorrow

  123. Napoleon Says:

    I’m having bacon, sausages, mushrooms, eggs, tomatoes and a fried slice for my tea. I love this meal, and eat it all the time.

    *waves cheerio to his arteries*

  124. piqued Says:

    You might find Eggs Benedictine are… oh, just as bad. Blast

    *joins BUPA*

  125. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t like Eggs Benedict – a ponce’s food eaten exclusively by ponces. No, there are only four correct ways to eat eggs:

    Boiled hot (on toast)
    Boiled cold (in a sandwich or imprisoned within a Celtic sausagemeat ball)
    Scrambled
    Fried

    I hope the bowels of anyone who disagrees with me about this erupt from their ears and spread shit all down their arms and shoulders.

  126. charliemingles Says:

    nice to see you eating like a true scotsman Napoleon. You’ll be dead by the end of the month. But I shall salute you at your funeral sir.

  127. piqued Says:

    How about ‘poached’ NC, Mmm?

  128. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles – I took to the Scotch diet from a very early age. I think I’m right in saying I’m the only Englishmen that drinks Irn-Bru, for instance.

    Piqued – I don’t like poached eggs, so no.

  129. piqued Says:

    They’re just boiled without the hassle of a shell. I’d have thought the chance to drop a wad of butter on their hot arses would’ve appear to a fat fanatic such as yourself?

    You’re psychotically unpredictable.

  130. Do I not like that! Says:

    I must admit I am partial to an egg and mayonnaise sandwich. Plenty of mayonnaise!

    Tortilla too. Fantastic hot or cold.

  131. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t like the way the white bit goes all feathery. Poached eggs look like angel turds.

  132. Do I not like that! Says:

    Fried egg and chips too. With tomato ketchup.

  133. Do I not like that! Says:

    eggscellent!

  134. piqued Says:

    Yes, that can happen. Depends how you do em..

    Coddled?

  135. charliemingles Says:

    Napoleon – what with your love of fried food and fondness for Irn Bru I’d be tempted to think you might have some scottish heritage ….

    But then there’s your measured reasonable temperament and that’s not Scottish at all. Sorry to have gotten your hopes up there old boy.

  136. Napoleon Says:

    No! I like ’em done in the bloody way I’ve just said, you bottled-up, cracked-back viper! By God, I’m looking forward to that shit shooting out your ears and over your arms and shoulders!

    Your crooked shoulders, I should say.

  137. piqued Says:

    Alas, whilst my back may be a tad iffey my shoulders are good and true…

    My stomach remains well and keen of stool!

  138. Napoleon Says:

    Did I say I liked Irn-Bru, Mingles? No! It tastes like stagnant water that’s had an iron nail slowly disintigrating in it. I said I drank it … which is a whole different thing when it comes to Irn-Bru. I should, perhaps, have said I only ever drink that muck when I have a hangover you could crack rocks with. When it comes to patented hangover cures, NEVER ignore a Scotchman’s advise.

    And anyway – Scotch heritage, indeed! I’m damned if I’m having that accusation laid at my door! I’m no more a member of that subhuman pack of blue-arsed apes than Dave is a member of the human race. I stand above three and a half foot for a start!

  139. ugeine Says:

    I’ve always pictured Napoleon looking and talking like the alcy one out of trainspotting.

  140. Napoleon Says:

    BASTARDS!

  141. charliemingles Says:

    thats correct ugeine.

    hang on… which alkie one? youd have to narrow that down a bit.

  142. charliemingles Says:

    im 5 foot 11 by the way.

    were not all short-arses.

  143. ugeine Says:

    Begby.

    ‘Sci fi and fantasy? I don’t put any of that shit in my veins. ‘

    ‘What’s that, Rambo is shit?’

    *glasses bystander*

  144. piqued Says:

    In Scotchland it’s pronounced ‘Iyon Broo’ fyi

  145. JonR Says:

    when i was a student i got dumped by a scottish girl, she moved to glasgow so as to be nearer her own kind. anyway i legged it up to glasgow to try and sort things out, totally failed, and spent the next six months clinically depressed and drinking Irn Bru as some kind of symbolic token of my deep sense of loss. i literally did not buy any other soft drink. then i started doing loads of pills and going to techno clubs and it all sort of blew over.

  146. Dave Says:

    Piqued cornfeeds his mother’s vagina. He eats nothing but free range organic.

  147. Kremble Says:

    Erm, hello.

    Is there anybody there….

    Personally I think Barack Obama would make a sooper Doctor Who, with Lewis Hamilton as his sidekick and Gillian Mckeith as the, as the, oh, I don’t know where I’m going with this…

    To be honest I’ve lost the will to live.

    I’ll get me coat.

    *quietly fucks off*

  148. Swineshead Says:

    then i started doing loads of pills and going to techno clubs and it all sort of blew over.

    Because you smothered it with MDMA – ECSTASY KILLS.

    Baked eggs are good.

  149. Nick of the T Says:

    I’m keen to try the coddled egg…

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