NewsGush – I’m A Celebrity List Leak

by

robert kilroy silk

Leaked?

Balls!

ITV couldn’t wait to shoot the list of victims for this years I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. So they pronged this one out of their press release machine early in the hope of getting some attention at the end of a newsless Tuesday.

We’ve posted the full list of desperate celebrities below, just like every other entertainment site’s done.

Make your own minds up as to whether they’ll provide an interesting sociological insight to the workings of fame or if they’ll once again offer only hours of tedium interspersed with the odd sighting of an ex-politician eating a maggot as though his life and credibility depends on it.

Martina Navratilova
How much do you get for winning tennis matches? I thought it made you rich?

Brian Paddick
Not half a year ago he was going for the Mayor of London job. Now he’s be aiming to pluck a plastic star off some string while rats piss on him.

Simon Webbe
Previously, Costa. This year, Webbe. Next year, Ryan. 2009, the one who looks like a beaten up Brad Pitt. 

Mickey Miller
Oh Christ, Mickey. I know I wished you out of Walford but I didn’t realise you’d end up this low. I’m so, so sorry.

Esther Rantzen
Work dried up has it, Esther? Resorting to this rubbish are you? That’s life, I suppose. Actually, I suspect you’re doing this because you’re a game old bird. God bless you.

Dani Behr
The girl with the knockers from The Word? Oh, right.

Carly Zucker
Already booked in for the ‘gratuitous bikini shot’ slot, recently vacated by the once-lovely, now desperately irritating Myleene Klass. Carly Zucker used to be Joe Cole’s roasting buddy, so don’t expect stimulating discourse.

Georgina Baillie
Oh fantastic.
Give… me… strength…

And at no extra cost, we present:

Robert Kilroy-Silk
Jesus Christ!
That’s, ‘job done’ by casting, as far as I’m concerned. RKS guarantees that at least the opening show will be watched, as people’ll tune in simply to see how that racist, self-righteous arsehole tries to present himself to a largely unsympathetic public.

It starts Sunday, if you can bear it.

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63 Responses to “NewsGush – I’m A Celebrity List Leak”

  1. Josh Says:

    Oh cripes. So that’s what those mad ads showing Ant’n’Dec talking about party poppers are all about. I can’t wait.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    I was on a cruise ship when a steward shouted ‘Ant n Dec!’ (they were also holidaying on the boat with their respective life-partners).

    I thought he’d cried ‘ant on deck’ and I, having had a life-long fear of insects, jumped overboard and broke my pelvis on the side of the ferry. it was a real motherfucker of a day.

  3. goerge Says:

    They came for Danny Bher, I said ‘she’s over there, behind the cupboard’.

  4. Napoleon Says:

    Can you lot shut up? I’m trying to watch the fucking news ‘ere …

  5. Nick of the T Says:

    Screenwipe returns next week, we’re saved!

  6. New Dave Says:

    Kilroy will add some much need ‘veritas’ to the show!

  7. New Dave Says:

    I’m reminded of the ‘Kilroy’s mad’ sketch from jam in which he runs around a shoppin mall naked weeing on flat screen TVs and sleeping in freezers full of frozen peas!

  8. mostlylouche Says:

    I can’t wait, there I said it.

  9. Badger Madge Says:

    you forgot the best bit – zulu off star trek/hiro’s dad off heroes.

  10. Nick T Says:

    I will not watch one frame.

  11. Do I not like that! Says:

    Sulu, BMadge…Sulu.

  12. Napoleon Says:

    Neither will I. There’s something perverse in wanting to watch a minor celebrity wolfing down maggots and what-have-you.

    Now if they were being drowned or strangled, that’d be a different story ….

  13. Swineshead Says:

    Might be interesting watching RKS trying to rebrand himself after UKIP, slurry and Middle East jibes.

  14. Badger Madge Says:

    i’m thinking rks will do a davidson and shame himself out of the prog. hoping anyway. no need to give this arse a platform for his vile views.

  15. Swineshead Says:

    You would say that, BM, you shirt-lifter.

  16. charliemingles Says:

    Georgina Bailey? its like fucking clockwork this fucking universe. you could swear someone was working it.

  17. charliemingles Says:

    Isn’t it racially-prejudiced against the orange to criticise kilroy-silk?
    His people have had a long tough struggle for acceptance.

  18. New Dave Says:

    Yogi’s girl’s got massive tits, she’s a Dani BEAR!
    She’s a Dani Bear
    She’s a Dani Bear
    Yogi’s girl’s got massive tits, she’s a Dani BEAR!

    (repeat twenty times)

  19. charliemingles Says:

    What the fuck was that? I never thought I’d say this: but I think I preferred the old Dave.

  20. Swineshead Says:

    I didn’t get Dave’s joke. And the lie about Ainsley yesterday was just bizarre.

  21. Do I not like that! Says:

    Talking of clockwork universes…
    Euroloons sending us malformed vegetables whilst RKS and Esther are on Iacgmooh.

    You couldn’t make it up!

  22. Swineshead Says:

    Gawd, let’s not have that ‘couldn’t make it up’ business again, eh?

    Anyone see a bunch of teenagers outclass experienced Premiership players in North London last night, by the way?
    Lovely stuff.

  23. mostlylouche Says:

    The Clockwork Universe would be a good name for a book.

  24. New Dave Says:

    http://www.uiweb.uidaho.edu/clubs/womens_rugby/RugbyRoot/rugby/Songs/yogi.html

    There we go everybody! SING ALONG.

  25. charliemingles Says:

    Nice adam and joe reference there SH. I sometimes wish I was gay so I could marry joe. I think the actual sodomy would probably put me off though. I’d just like to cuddle him and make him lovely meals. Is that so wrong?

  26. Swineshead Says:

    Adam & Joe?

    Eh?

  27. Napoleon Says:

    ‘The Clockwork Universe’ would be a pretentious name for what would undoubtedly be a pretentious book, Louche. The sort of book people say is one of their favourites on public profiles so they can sound impressive and arty and knowledgable. A better name for an honest, British book would be ‘I’ll Tear Out Your Innards Before This War Is Through, Kincaid!’. You know what you’re getting with a book with a title like that.

  28. New Dave Says:

    CM – I feel the same way about Roger Taylor in the video for I Want To Break Free. Weird.

  29. charliemingles Says:

    sorry SH. tha adam and joe thing was from DINLT: iacgmooh

  30. Swineshead Says:

    *points at NC*

    Look at the ignoramous!

    A Clockwork Orange (I presume you’re referring to that) is a brilliant book and those who resent people who are enthusiastic about are clearly idiots.

    In fact, getting excited about books in general is to be encouraged. Unless they’re written by Jon Gaunt, Richard Littlejohn or Hitler.

    ‘I’ll Tear Out Your Innards Before This War Is Through, Kincaid!’ is the sort of book a man with a small penis would read, along with Andy McNabb’s rubbish and the collected articles of Clarkson.

  31. charliemingles Says:

    thats just gay though, dave. You’re gay. Im talking about something completely different. Congratulations on coming out as gay though. Kudos my friend.

    … though I cant say we’re at all surprised.

  32. New Dave Says:

    It’s not gay if it’s Roger Taylor in the video for I Want To Break Free. Everybody knows that, including you.

  33. charliemingles Says:

    SH. Id agree over Kincaid – the man lost it after his 12000 page potted history of the chinook helicopter and his autobiography ‘ daddy daddy, look at me Im in the army’

    I still remember his stirring account of surviving for 14 days off nothing but his own stale urine. the fact that he was staying in a bed and breakfast in dundee at the time is beside the point.

    But please dont dis clarkson. hes a very amusing man and merely an agent provocateur for guilty middle-class liberals such as yourself.

  34. New Dave Says:

    Aaaargh. My mate’s just got me a ticket for TV on the Radio and it’s 35 pounds. I said I’d pay twenty, the arse. What are they, Take That?

  35. Do I not like that! Says:

    Legionnaire: An Englishman in the French Foreign Legion by Simon Murray ..that’s a good ‘un.

    Actually I despair of alot of the books published in this country. Was in a bookshop yesterday…Clarkson et al everywhere.

  36. charliemingles Says:

    I think you’d stand more of a chance with Freddie Dave. Keep it to yourself like, but there’s a rumour going round that he’s … a bit whoo-hoo himself!

    I know. Shocking. I had to put on one of my Liberace records to calm myself down when I first heard. Thank the good lord we still have action heroes like strapping 6′ 6″ man mountain Tom Cruise holding up the banner of rugged heterosexuaity for the rest of us.

  37. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – I wasn’t referring to ‘A Clockwork Orange’ (an awful book written in jibberish), I was referring to Louche’s suggestion that ‘The Clockwork Universe’ would be a good name for a book. It wouldn’t, it would be a wanky name for what would no doubt be a wanky book. The sort of book you pretend to like because you’ve been told to like this sort of nonsense by university lecturers. The sort of book Piqued would say he likes because he’s terrified of being considered an uneducated prole.

  38. charliemingles Says:

    I imagine The Clockwork Universe is already the name of quite a few books – as it is an accurate and commonly-used description used by scientists for the Pre-Einstinian Newtonian concept of the laws of physics.

    By the way – did I ever mention that I’ve read Dante?

  39. Napoleon Says:

    So have I, Mingles. I’ve even visted his grave. It doesn’t mean anything, however, only that you can read stuff. Well done.

    And all that physics stuff is gubbins.

  40. New Dave Says:

    You homophobe. Suddenly ‘in Charlie Mingle’s bigoted world of the 1970s’ it’s all homosexual to have an eye for a bloke who looks like a lady. You’re not coming with me on that holiday to Thailand anymore, be sure of that.

  41. charliemingles Says:

    Dante’s dead? When did that happen?

    Additionally: I should think a keen scientific mind like yourself Napoleon would have more respect for newtons work. I believe he was one of the first to posit the notion that these giant space snakes breath using special hats. shame on you sir. I shall have you drummed out of the Royal Society.

  42. Swineshead Says:

    NC – Fair dos.

    Mingles – it’s nice to know your opinion of me. I don’t consider myself guilty of anything, just so you know. For the record – here’s my opinion of you:

    Scotch, sex-starved, bald freak with a heart.

  43. Nick T Says:

    Swears so early in the gossip girl article.
    That’s me for the day.

    I won’t watch it anyways….

    Antiques Roadshow on The History Channel awaits……

  44. charliemingles Says:

    dave – fancying thai ladyboys is one of the finest ways one can demonstrate your masculinity in this crazy post-feminist world.

    Why, you’d never get real women doing the sort of filthy stuff they do – and still looking cute and perky in their make-up. Send more of them over here I say. Though not the ones with the adams apples and huge flaccid tadgers, they can stay where they are – for the gay tourists. sick, it is. fucking sick.

  45. charliemingles Says:

    wooah there Swineshead. You appear to be taking me seriously here guvnur.

    I think theres a difference between calling someone a ‘guilty middle-class liberal ‘ not much of an insult really and a ‘Scotch, sex-starved, bald freak with a heart.’

    How is being ‘scotch’ something to insult me with? If I called you an ‘english … bla bla bla’ youd have me on some list.

    Its poitical correctness gone mad I say.

  46. Swineshead Says:

    I think it’s worse Mingles – you’re lumping me in with that Comment Is Free lot and I won’t have it.

  47. charliemingles Says:

    you english bastard. Youre so …english.

    PS: Ive no idea who the ‘comment is free’ people are. I dont really read newspapers. or know whats happening in the world.

  48. Swineshead Says:

    Look, let’s just bum and get this over with.

    *bares anus*

  49. New Dave Says:

    I think SH needs to plant an acorn and meditate fo world peace in a robe. That’s what he does. He enjoys it.

  50. charliemingles Says:

    I dont want to look at your scrawny little paddy anus if you dont mind.

    You can suck my cock though, if you like.

    *unzips flies*

  51. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles – I was unaware Newton discovered those wee little hats the space snakes wear. I withdraw my previous comment that physics is gubbins.

  52. charliemingles Says:

    thanks napoleon. withdrawal accepted and noted. yes, I believe it was when that apple fell on his head and the whole idea suddenly came to him.

    he discovered a lot that day I believe: spacehats, gravity and of course apple stroodle.

  53. Napoleon Says:

    You could pelt me with an entire lorry-load of apples and I wouldn’t invent gravity. You have to hand it to these boffins, you really do (all except Stephen Hawking – clearly a sinister half man / half robot construct bent on the destruction of the human race … him with his wheelchair and that voice of his).

  54. charliemingles Says:

    I agree Napoleon, the mans a fiend. Maybe if hed been born normal that would be fine. But he came out his poor mothers womb with that voice and wheelchair. monstrosity. Still – he still pulls the chics. jammy spaz bastard.

  55. Napoleon Says:

    I was led to believe (with the help of five minutes’ worth of painstaking research on the outer rings of the World Wide Web) that Hawking was constructed in some sort of factory? Whatever his origins, he’s clearly up to no good. You only have to hear the way he talks; nobody talks like that except them dustbin robots off of Doctor Who.

  56. Swineshead Says:

    Mingles – bit harsh. ‘Spaz’ is a dodgy word.

    *ruffles list*

  57. charliemingles Says:

    SH: It was meant to be in inverted commas, and therefore only needlessly offensive in an ironical fashion.

    Hope that clears up any confusion.

    *goes back to wanking about Stephen Hawking and his nurse*

  58. Nick T Says:

    I defy you not to giggle…DEFY http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=3778950

  59. charliemingles Says:

    thats pretty funny actually nick …

    (SH: put the sick beast on your list)

  60. Nick T Says:

    *goes home*

  61. charliemingles Says:

    Nick – I’m afraid your home has been burnt to the ground by angry locals alerted to your sick behaviour. them’s the breaks guvnur.

  62. sampan Says:

    Thankyou verymuch

  63. Lynda Ward Says:

    Message to Mr. Robert Kilroy Silk. Just an MP bit self opinionated I thought. Im 56 not a bimbo, but hey he has really
    surprised me, what a diamond geezer, bet his family is really
    proud of him, I sure am and I didnt like him at first. Really a good guy, admire his bravado courage and get up and go, and
    hey despite his outter appearance really likes people. Good on
    you Mr. Silk youve earned my respect, should be our prime
    minister, a man with a plan and the balls to carry it out. Go on
    become the winner, you deserve it. Much respect to you and
    I bet you have the best proudest family in the world tonight.

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