NewsGush – X Factor: Viewers Dig at Gig Rig


Have you seen that performance, in the video above? It’s breathtaking.

Now – was The X Factor fixed on Saturday night?

What were the final two even doing at the bottom of the pile?

Should Ruth Lorenzo have gone instead of Laura White?

Was it harsh and unfair that the T&A of the Spanish power-ballad mistress were deemed preferable to the silly voice of the Yorkshire lass?

No! It wasn’t!

Now get on with your lives!

I’ve met one of the blokes who works behind the scenes in the operations department of The X Factor, and he assured me that it’s all above board. Laura White was a girl with a decent voice who ruined her chances by affecting a sub-Winehouse croon that didn’t suit her in the slightest.

The simple fact is that the British public are easily swayed and love novelty. Whether it’s Daniel crooning Don’t Leave Me This Way in the most nauseating manner possible, as above, or that dullard Diana twisting her claws about and yodelling like an idiot banshee, they’ll keep in the freaks so they can have a laugh and boost the confidence of the underdog before returning them to obscurity.

So why do people get up in arms about this sort of shit?
Why do politicians mention this rubbish in parliament? 
Why does this make the front pages of entertainment websites?

Some answers:

  • Because they’re idiots.
  • In this instance, for a laugh.
  • It’s a slow news day.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

203 Responses to “NewsGush – X Factor: Viewers Dig at Gig Rig”

  1. mostlylouche Says:

    You should be talking about the program that was on last night about how to solve cryptic crosswords, it was brilliant.

    I’m still crap at them but now I feel a strange bond with Prunella Scales.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    I watched that. I didn’t feel I had anything to say about it. But thanks for telling me what you feel I should have written about.

  3. New Dave Says:

    I know a guy who works behind the scenes at Songs of Praise. We’re all connected to this business called show, it would seem.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    We’re bound to the industry through these massive programmes, Dave.

  5. mostlylouche Says:

    Swineshead, I’m hear to help.

  6. Swineshead Says:

    Prunella Scales came across as a miserable old fuddy duddy on that programme, I felt.

    And how come everyone on it (apart from the cabbie) had an accent like yours, Louche? It made me sick. Do only posh nobs do cryptic crosswords?

  7. Swineshead Says:

    With spelling like that, Louche, you’re clearly indispensable.

  8. New Dave Says:

    I watched a brilliant documentary about the Nazis relationship with the Soviet Union, last night. Youy should write about that instead of The X Factor.

  9. mostlylouche Says:

    Also why was the Cabbie the only one who gave any useful advice? His tips were actually handy.

    Did you notice how all the setters dressed the same?

  10. mostlylouche Says:

    Heh, yes I’m on form today.

  11. Swineshead Says:

    That one who called himself AZED had a little moan about the four hours of work he has to do every week. I cried a little tear for the poor old rich bastard. He probably spends the rest of the week commenting on blogs.

  12. Do I not like that! Says:

    It brings us all together, we can talk about it with our work mates and discuss with folk in our community. It makes the country like a happy village. Unfortunately I do not watch these talent programs so I have no idea what anybody is talkin’ about.

  13. Swineshead Says:

    I don’t usually watch the X Factor. This is the first time I’ve watched it week on week. I do it for the same reason I downloaded the Moyles peecast – 4 U GUYS.

  14. New Dave Says:

    They should do an X Factor style show but with public stoneings. They wouldn’t need to rig the phonelines for the final either – only a rope and noose.

  15. ugeine Says:

    Of course it’s fixed, the contestants are pre screened before they even make it past the auditions. The whole thing is about as real as the bill!

  16. Swineshead Says:

    The auditions are rigged, Ugeine, but the phone votes aren’t. If they were, after recent events with Ant & Dec and the Blue Peter cat, shit would hit the fan.

  17. mostlylouche Says:

    Swineshead, if you were to go on this show what would you sing/do?

  18. Swineshead Says:

    I would do exactly what Daniel in the clip does.

  19. ugeine Says:

    Yes, SH, they might not be rigged but they’re making an illusion of choice. You don’t really get to chose from the pick of people who have auditioned, you only get the ones that have pre screened and check all the boxes.

    It’s a little bit like if the third round of the FA cup was drawn up by suits rather then randomly, such as giving Scarborough Chelsea for an ‘underdog’ story line, pairing up rivals etc, whoever won in the end wouldn’t have ‘won’ per se as they wouldn’t have got to the final purely based on their own merits.

  20. Do I not like that! Says:

    It’s basically a glorified karaoke evening is it not?

  21. Swineshead Says:

    Of course it is, Mikey. Are you trying to claim some cultural superiority there?

  22. Do I not like that! Says:

    All depends on what you mean by culture and superiority.

    I reckon you can’t go wrong with a Burt Bacharach song.

  23. Nick T Says:

    I’m usually dissapear upstairs and leave the womenfolk (Mrs Nick and my 12 years old) to watch this. I can’t stand it for so many reasons.
    I wonder how long I can continue to visit here today before someone says something that puts my works filth filter in to a tizzy and blocks me?

  24. Nick T Says:

    Ha! I love me grammar…

  25. Napoleon Says:

    Dripping cunts.

    Any good, Mikey?

  26. Napoleon Says:

    Nick, rather.

  27. Do I not like that! Says:

    I guess on a positve side, it is basically easy viewing for all the family, (except those who tend to “disappear” when it comes on) and you can’t argue with democracy. If the people want thingny-bob back then so be it.

  28. New Dave Says:

    That documentary about the SOVIETS helping out the NAZIS and then getting taken down with BOMBS after DESTROYING Poland was ace!

  29. Napoleon Says:

    I had a look at Tricia today to see how they would handle the 11 0’Clock Armistice. It was all very respectfully observed, and after the two minute’s silence Tricia got back to interviewing a porn star, a prostitute, a dominatrix, a stripper and a madam.

    So that sacrifice was well worth it, then.

  30. New Dave Says:

    We didn’t even bother with the silence at work today. Nobody cares. I just popped to the toilet for two minutes instead.

  31. extremelisteningmode Says:

    I’d quite like to bum Diana, but in a non-threatening way.

  32. ugeine Says:

    My place went silent. Quite touching really.

  33. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Swineshead – try going into my blog through google, seems to work. Dunno why you get that Invalid Source patter, but apologies. My readers miss your abuse.

  34. Swineshead Says:

    I will try it ELM.

    What’s all this 2 minutes silence business about, anyway? Sounds like a load of rubbish to me. Who’s it meant to benefit?

  35. ugeine Says:

    SH: it’s fairly simple. Hitler’s Ghost is trapped in the spirit world and tries to escape every year at 11 o’clock, on the 11 of November. If people make a sound during this time, the space / time fabric linking our world to the spirit world is ripped, meaning he can escape through and try and take over Europe again.

  36. New Dave Says:

    It’s meant to benefit those who have died or lost somebody in war. Thing is, for the majority of people it’s just some weird cultural phenomenon. If everyone stood on one foot for the penguins every August 12th people would do it.

  37. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Not a bad idea New Dave.

    I like penguins, me.

  38. New Dave Says:

    But would you die for them?

  39. extremelisteningmode Says:

    No, but I’d donate blood.

  40. Swineshead Says:

    I was joking Dave… and I don’t think it’s weird, I think it’s right to spend 120 seconds thinking about how it might be if we all spoke German. It’d be RUBBISH.

  41. New Dave Says:

    I’m on your side, SH. I don;t think it’s weird. Some people do though.

    I had to steal my 2 minutes in a bog because my employers are cunts.

  42. Napoleon Says:

    Bunch of disrespectful fucking traitors.

  43. ugeine Says:

    It’d be like having the Torys!


  44. Napoleon Says:

    Having had that gutteral, barking language bellowed into my face by an enraged German sausage merchant, I heartily agree with Swineshead.

  45. New Dave Says:

    The SOVIETS should have sent in their half ape, half human genetic mutants into war. If Stalin wasn’t such a pussy WWII wouldn’t have happened.

  46. Swineshead Says:

    WWM would have happened, war or not.

  47. Napoleon Says:

    P’raps not, Swineshead. The technology we use today was advanced by the military. Without the two wars, we could all still be working in cotton mills and coal mines. All except for Dave, o’course. He’d still be a waste-of-space, call-centre DRONE.

  48. ugeine Says:

    WWM: Review: The X factor. CURSE THIS SOCIALIST SWINE! By Napoleon.

  49. Swineshead Says:

    I’d be shouting wireless reviews from my soapbox at the Hyde park Corner, n’doubt.

  50. New Dave Says:

    And you would be drawing blood, not pictures of Lemmy – YES! Because you would be at war, naked all but for a tin helmet made from empty bean cans, fighting the ape/human warriors of Stalins empire with nothing but a candlestick and a prayer.

  51. Napoleon Says:

    Won my pub quiz last night, by the way. I’m a bit pissed off mind. The jackpot was £300, but for that you have to get four corners of a weird, bing-like grid thing. Because Alan (a racist with a combover) refused to believe me that Cornwall has the longest coastline of any English county, he fucked up Liz’s sheet and we missed out. He thought it was Norfolk, the old racist TWAT.

    I doubt that made any sense to you at all.

  52. Napoleon Says:

    To clarify this, you get 25 questions arranged randomly on a grid. The quiz fella calls out the questions, you fill ’em in, then he calls out the answers in a random order. If you get four corners within eight answers, you win the money. If you get a line of five questions, you get six pints, and if you get the most answers, you get a gallon of booze.

    We got the most questions right so we won the gallon. Alan fucked up the corners, and my other half would have got the line if she hadn’t misheard me and written ‘Ponderosa’ instead of ‘Ponderland’.


  53. Napoleon Says:

    As a prominant inventor of bewildering online board games, the above makes perfect sense to me.

  54. Swineshead Says:

    Napoleon – please elaborate.

  55. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t think I can make it any clearer, Swineshead.

  56. Swineshead Says:

    Where was this grid then? On a wall?
    Are the questions broken up into rounds?
    What correct answers did you give?

  57. New Dave Says:

    I like coming last and winning the cheap champagne. I mix it with cranberry juice and get WRECKED, then usually we go round do this lass’s house who lives down the road for more drink after closing time but she has a senile grandma in the front room that always wonders in on us and it’s weird.

  58. Napoleon Says:

    Say you have a top line from left to right; it’ll go 12, 20, 5, 19 and 3, say. Now then, your 12 and your 3 are corners. If he calls out these two, that’s two corners you’ve got, yes? So, say your bottom line is 15, 4, 23, 7 and 1. He calls out 15 and 1, and bingo – you’ve got all four corners and you win the money. Now say your middle line is 9, 22, 21, 11 and 2 and he calls all them out, that means you’ve won on the line. After that, he calls out the remaining answers and it’s the team with the most that win the gallon of drink.


  59. Swineshead Says:

    Still don’t get it.

  60. Napoleon Says:

    The grid’s on a sheet. You pay a pound a sheet, and each sheet is different. It’s like a bingo sheet. It’s bingo. Bingo with questions, like. There’s not rounds, there’s just the twenty five questions called out.


  61. Lord Milky Says:

    Winning chaep campagne for last? You get toffees in my neck of the woods. Tesco Value toffees at that!

  62. New Dave Says:


  63. Lord Milky Says:

    Fair point. I’d sooner take the toffees.

  64. Napoleon Says:

    You don’t win anything for coming last in the pub quiz I go to. Prizes for coming last, indeed!

  65. New Dave Says:

    CAVAS alright, just not when it’s cheap.

  66. Lord Milky Says:

    It encourages the return of those who represent easy money, I find. The cash prizes are only made up of a cut the entry fee, so you need your fair share of fools. More toffee loving idiots = a bigger prize for the intellectual heavyweights.

  67. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t think I’ve ever drank Cava. Is it that stuff the easy girls in the high heels buy and drink before a night of binge-drinking, hair-pulling, vomiting on the floor of the ladies and buggery with a complete stranger?

  68. Lord Milky Says:

    You need prizes for those who come last, I find. You want them to come back so that their entry fees can make up the cash prizes for the intellectual heavyweights.

  69. New Dave Says:

    That’s Lamborgini or somwthing. I wouldn’t know.

  70. mostlylouche Says:

    The British Pub quiz is one of the greatest things ever invented. FACT.

  71. Napoleon Says:

    Bloody ridiculous. You should get soundly thrashed with a dogwhip for coming last, in my opinion.

    Admittedly, this might not help with your repeat trade.

  72. New Dave Says:

    LM – when i’m with family we always do well (i’m the runt of the litter) but when I’m with my mates we often end up writing ‘Billy the Kid’ for every answer. We call ourselves ‘it’s only gay if the balls touch’, or ‘grandad’s shrunken wine rack’, if that paints a picture for you.

  73. Swineshead Says:

    Champagne – Posh fizzy French wine.
    Cava – Not posh fizzy Spanish wine.
    Lambrini – Cheap shit, weak as piss sugary drink.

  74. Napoleon Says:

    Louche – That depends. I’ve been to some pretty shit quizzes. The one the pub I go to does on a Tuesday is ludicrous. You get a sheet once again arranged like a bingo grid, and you have to call out when you get a line without first knowing the answers. You then have the shame of finding out you’ve got one wrong, and have held up the quiz for everyone else as a result. You’re booed and jeered at as you make your way back to your seat. I only went once, and I’m not going again.

  75. Lord Milky Says:

    It’s toffees for you Dave m’boy. You’d fit right in at my quiz – the wittiest team name this year has been ‘Quizzy Rascal”. I weep.

  76. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – Those team names are HILARIOUS. I’ll wager the quiz master pisses himself laughing everytime he reads those.

  77. Who Says:

    Nah, I don’t get it. It sounds like one of your incomprehensible board games – only in a pub, but with worse prizes.

  78. Napoleon Says:

    £300 is a ‘worse’ prize? As opposed to what?

  79. New Dave Says:

    What’s your team called, you bastard shit?

  80. Napoleon Says:

    We don’t have a team name, Dave. We all have individual sheets with our normal, unhilarious names on them. Whoever gets the corners, the line, or the most amount of answers takes up their sheet, and then we share out the winnings. It’s all very simple.

  81. Who Says:

    A four door family saloon, or two weeks’ holiday in a war torn country!


  82. Napoleon Says:

    Well obviously those are pretty hard-to-beat prizes, Who. I still wouldn’t sniff at £300 though. I don’t know many pub quizzes that offer that sort of money for a £1 entry fee. Plus, after the main quiz has been done, they do something called ‘Card Bingo’. Now then, you get a pack of thirteen cards, and the quiz fella calls out cards at random. The first to turn over all their cards gets the pot from that night’s quiz. That costs you a quid too, though I don’t tend to do it as I’m blind drunk by that stage.

  83. Who Says:

    Are we doing lunch reports today? I wish to put forward a tin of Butternut Squash and Root Vegetable soup, followed by caramel yoghurt with toasted buckwheat.


  84. Napoleon Says:

    Absolutely fucking hideous, more like.

  85. Who Says:

    And what delicate morsel will be passing your lips today?

  86. Napoleon Says:

    Unlike Who (who may as well be eating dog dirts, frankly), I’m eating a sensible lunch today. 3 – count ’em, THREE – of the very finest Chicken Kievs St. Bernard of Matthew can supply. I’ll be following this gluttonous feast with a bag of Roast Beef Monster Munch and washing the whole lot down with a gimungous mug of Great British Tea.

    *holds up trophy*

  87. Swineshead Says:

    Nancy Banks Smith sums up that Crossword documentary last night perfectly in her column today:

    ‘What a shocking lot of show offs’

    I love Nancy Banks Smith.

  88. Napoleon Says:

    Who’s Nancy Banks Smith?

  89. Swineshead Says:

    You’ve asked that before – a renowned TV critic.

  90. Swineshead Says:

    By the way – NC, with that lunch you’ve won yourself a week’s worth of wins. That’s absolutely unbeatable so I’m forced to crown you the Invincible, making your position unassailable for a whole seven days.

  91. Napoleon Says:

    Why thank you, Swineshead.

    I had forgotten

  92. Napoleon Says:

    … I’d asked about that there telly critic. Is she a part of that nest of loony leftie vipers that make up the Guardian’s journalists? If so, she should be hanged.

  93. Swineshead Says:

    She is indeed, but don’t hold that against her…

    1969 – Now : Guardian, TV critic
    1965 – 1969: Sun, TV critic
    1960 – 1965: Daily Express, feature writer
    1955 – 1960: Daily Herald, reporter
    1955: Sunday Mirror, women’s section
    1951- 1955: Northern Daily Telegraph, reporter

  94. Swineshead Says:

    She didn’t last long at the Mirror’s ‘women’s section’ did she?
    Wonder what went on there…?

  95. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t know. Discussions about jam making and knitting patterns? It was the Fifties, after all.

  96. Napoleon Says:

    I think the Mail’s being a bit ‘arsh. I still would, even if she has got shoulders you can see from space.

  97. ugeine Says:


    1) Try making sure his dinner is ready after work.

    2) Dress everything in that horrible plastic shit this decade seems to have in surplus.

    3) Kill a communist, and stick the head on his hat stand.

  98. Napoleon Says:

    I’d pay good money for a naked charity calendar of bad-tempered 1970s feminists. Camille Paglia, with ‘er leathery old dugs out, eh? PHWOOOOAAAAR! Eh, lads? EH?

  99. ugeine Says:

    Aaah, the mail.

  100. New Dave Says:


  101. charliemingles Says:

    Is everyone talking about it? Only if you read the tabloids. That daniel guy is truly shite though – thankfully he’d got his dead wife to fall back on.

    I hear they’re planning on digging her up and attaching some strings to her corpse so she can do a little dance alongside him during Michael jackson week when he sings Thriller. You heard it here first.

  102. Napoleon Says:

    Daniel guy? What are you on about, Mingles?

    And would you buy that dirty calendar?

  103. Swineshead Says:

    Is everyone talking about it? Only if you read the tabloids.

    Or the BBC website. (Not a tabloid)

  104. ugeine Says:

    Another dispicable case of PC gone mad, Dave. I heard today that a presenter got sacked from the BBC because she asked if she could get a taxi driver without a turban, becasue it freaks her out. Apparently, it’s now racist to be xenophobic! You couldn’t make it up.

  105. Napoleon Says:

    It freaks her daughter out, apparently. I read that she said that if it had been her alone in the cab, she wouldn’t care if the driver had two heads; but her daughter’s right not to be freaked out was an entirely different matter. Can’t we just slay this current generation of awful parents and cotton-wool kids and start again?

  106. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve just read about this X-Factor bubbins on the BBC’s site. Does every unimportant television ‘scandal’ now have to be raised in Parliament? If so, I’m writing to my MP to express my outrage over the cancellation of the 1970s programme ‘Whatever Happened To The Likely Lads?’.

  107. ugeine Says:

    Disgraceful, isn’t it? Why are there no taxi services that specialise in Ayran only drivers?

  108. New Dave Says:

    Aryan Air – like Ryan Air but for NAZIS.

  109. Napoleon Says:

    It’s political correctness gone mad, Eugeine. I rang up a Carribbean takeaway the other week with a request that my food not be cooked by a black fella, and the next thing I know the police are knocking on my door and the bloody Guardian’s branded me a racist. What for? Everyone knows they’re dirty people, and I don’t want food poisoning off of a cannibal who doesn’t wash his hands after he’s finished eating a white baby. You couldn’t make it up, you really couldn’t.

  110. New Dave Says:

    Were they pirates, NC?

  111. charliemingles Says:

    Daniel is the guy in the article above Napoleon. Nice to know you read these things. I had a bit of a thing for Thelma in the likely lads, I have to admit. Great show.

    Any new developments on those snakes?

    SH: just being cheeky, ignore me.

  112. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t know if they were pirates, Dave. That’s Indonesians, isn’t it?

    (Not racist)

  113. ugeine Says:

    Have you tried writing to a respectable newspaper about your plight, NP? I sympathise, the guy who was holding the door for me last week couldn’t even prove his ancestry entered England prior to the 1600s! My 17 year old son was there, so obviously I had to smother him with my coat to be on the safe side.

  114. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles – I painstakingly descrobed to you yesterday how space snakes breath in space: wee little hats. And you accuse me of not paying attention!

  115. Napoleon Says:

    I wrote ‘descrobed’ to remind you all of the way the French gendarme spoke in ‘Allo ‘Allo. I think it’s important we remember the way British people pretending to be French people spoke during the war on this special day of rememberance.

  116. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – It’s best to shield children from the horrors of this world, I find. My thirteen year old daughter caught site of a Chinese man the other day, and suffered a nervous breakdown as a result. To protect our kids, isn’t it about time we kicked out anyone who isn’t white?

  117. New Dave Says:

    I’m the other way. I think we should drive all us whites out of the country where our racist bastard selves can’t be a harm to others.

  118. ugeine Says:

    with you there, NP. A moderate right party has already tried to implement this initiative across Europe, but our loony lefty government put a stop to him, apparently! We even celebrate the day we stopped him, but if I mention Christmas I get put in the stocks!as I get put in the stocks!

  119. Napoleon Says:

    That would work equally well, Dave. As long as our kids were protected, that’s all I care about.

    They wear wee little hats, Mingles.

  120. Do I not like that! Says:

    Actually Spanish Cava is very very good.

  121. New Dave Says:

    Thank you, DINLT. Cava is the equal of champagne. (And the British invented Champagne, it’s in the QI book of general ignorance).

  122. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – You coudn’t make it up! I went into WHSmith’s the other day and asked the assistant where they kept the Christmas cards. Next thing I know, I’m being arrested and carted off to the stocks. Apparently, a Buddhist had heard me say the word ‘Christmas’ and had complained to the law. IT’S POLITICAL ETC. ETC. ETC.

  123. ugeine Says:

    Technically, climate change invented Champagne.

  124. New Dave Says:

    Apparently you aren’t allowed Christmas trees in city centres anymore because it reminds the muslims of rocket ships. I heard that.

  125. Napoleon Says:

    Don’t get me started on the Muslims, Dave! There’s one runs my local shop, and he charges the registered retail price on everything he sells!

  126. charliemingles Says:

    little hats, you say.

    *takes notes*

    …nah, still too technical. You’ve lost me.

  127. New Dave Says:

    They came from rocket ships. From the moon.

  128. Napoleon Says:

    What’s so bloody technical about wee little hats? They put ’em on – hey presto! – they can breath in space. It’s not fucking rocket science, Mingles!

  129. ugeine Says:

    Muslims make my blood boil. It’s OK for them to wear those hooded Burka things, because apparently ‘it demonstrates their faith,’ but if I try and wear my traditional Klu Klux Klan hood then it’s considered ‘racist!’ Wait until I let Melanie Phillips know.

  130. Napoleon Says:

    I blame the Germans. They invented Christmas, shipped it over here, and now it offends everyone leaving us Christmas fans with egg all over our faces. Typical of Germany to come over here and shit on our doorsteps, the underhanded, sausage-guzzling swines.

  131. New Dave Says:

    That’s what happens when you take people’s babies away, Ugeine. They have themselves to blame.

  132. New Dave Says:

    If I call Egyptians sand people it’s only racist if I’m talking about modern Egyptians, but I’m talking about Ancient Egypt you daft fools!

  133. charliemingles Says:

    I see Gaunty’s in ‘ot water again. Who would’ve thought that a fat, idiotic motor-mouthed racist twat who waffles ill-informed shite and stokes hatred would case offence. What are the chances?

  134. Napoleon Says:

    That was a bit racist, Dave.

  135. charliemingles Says:

    anyone watch Misery on C5 last night. Such a great movie.

  136. New Dave Says:

    No. Because I’m talking about Ancient Egypt, NC. Otherwise you could say The Bangles are racists, which is absurd! IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE SAYING?

  137. ugeine Says:

    I tried to CM, but our local government only lets minorities have aerials in my area.

  138. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles – He only called a Tory a Nazi. Everyone calls the Tories Nazis. Well … idiots who don’t know what Nazis are call ’em Nazis anyway.

    Actually, I can see why the Tory fella might be a bit offended.

  139. ugeine Says:

    Where the Christ is Toothed Varmit? D’ya reckon the KGB caught up with him?

  140. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – By your bizarre logic, it’d be fine to call Third Century Nubians ‘Wogs’. Racism doesn’t have a time-frame, you racist fucking moron.

  141. New Dave Says:

    So walk like an Egyptian is a racist song?

  142. Swineshead Says:

    I’m definitely not a Christmas fan. Especially now I’m off the sauce (6 months and 5 days with one blip).

  143. Napoleon Says:

    I’m not sure if it is or if it isn’t, Dave. I do know that calling Egyptians from any era ‘sand people’ is, however.

  144. New Dave Says:

    Sand people are the people from Star Wars. I made an error. I’m sorry.

  145. Napoleon Says:

    That blip being me forcing that booze down your gullet, eh Swineshead? Sorry about that.

    *looks forward to next blip*

  146. Do I not like that! Says:

    Racism doesn’t have a time-frame,

    Maybe it does…don’t they reckon that we all will be the same colour one day in the distant future.

  147. Napoleon Says:

    We won’t, DINLT. Not unless a wizard shows up and turns us all blue or something.

  148. Do I not like that! Says:

    A wizard or perhaps a lizard?

  149. Swineshead Says:

    Your encouragement didn’t make it easier to resist, but I hold myself fully responsible for the half bottle of wine and five pints of bitter I poured onto my virgin liver.

  150. Napoleon Says:

    I quite like Christmas. On Christmas Day I like to open my presents, give the missus one, eat a grotesque quantity of stodge, attempt to consume an entire tin of Quality Street, fart like a rapidly deflating balloon, drink vast amounts of egg-nog and then have a furious row over Monopoly whilst wearing a ridiculous paper hat. It’s the only correct way to celebrate the birth of the Son of God as far as I’m concerned.

  151. Do I not like that! Says:

    Thanks to your alert journalism Nap, i have been looking at David Icke’s website and various youtube offerings and these lizards have to be beaten. And as Ickey so rightly says, just coz we cannot see them does not make them unreal.

  152. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – I still feel partly responsible. As my old school reports will testify, I’ve been a bad influence for a very long time.

    Incidentally, my old reports state that I wouldn’t amount to anything if I didn’t buck my ideas up, pay more attention to my teachers and stop clowning around. I ignored this advice, and ended up not amounting to anything much. Don’t you hate it when it turns out your teachers were right?

  153. Do I not like that! Says:

    Your teachers were obviously lizards Nap.

  154. ugeine Says:

    I’m in two minds about Christmas. I think it encapsulates both the best and the worse themes of our society.

  155. Napoleon Says:

    DINLT – I’ve moved on from David Icke to the even murkier waters of government mind control espoused by legendary Texan firebrand Alex Jones. Did you know that 9/11 was an inside job because Larry Hagman told firefighters to ‘pull’ the World Trade Center, and that’s code for flying two planes into the tallest structures, and firing off two more into the Pentagon and a field in Pennsylvania just for good measure? I bloody knew there was something going on.


  156. New Dave Says:

    I sit alone in a bedsit, warming a tin of 19p beans on a small gas stove and sobbing. No, I don;t like Christmas.

  157. ugeine Says:

    ‘In 1999, he published The Biggest Secret, in which he wrote that the Illuminati are a race of reptilian humanoids known as the Babylonian Brotherhood, and that many prominent figures are reptilian, including George W. Bush, Queen Elizabeth II, Kris Kristofferson, and Boxcar Willie.’

    You couldn’t make it up!

  158. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – Christmas is ace. Last year I guzzled so many cocktail sausages on sticks, my digestive system couldn’t cope (being, as it was, bunged up to the gills with turkey, brussel sprouts, figs, egg-nog and gravy) and I just started shitting ’em right back out without first digesting them.

    A boy this day is born in Bethlehem!

  159. Do I not like that! Says:

    No Ugeine you couldn’t make it up….Ickey’s point exactly.

  160. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – Surely you have your various pictures of tits, asses, vaginas and Sarah Michelle Gellar’s head attached with sellotape to partially hollowed-out melons for company? Christmas can’t be all bad for a man who’s made his own collection of Buffy the Vampire Slayer fantasy sex dolls, can it?

  161. Napoleon Says:

    One Christmas I went drunkenly roaring out my front door in only my underpants clutching a bottle of Bailey’s. I’d decided to entertain my street with a rendition of ‘Hark The Herald Angels Sing’, which I bellowed at the top of my voice. I had to stop when a neighbour threatened to call the police. It’s Christmas kiljoys like that bastard that ruin the coming of the Magi for us Christmas lovers. He should have had his head stamped on by a carthorse, the cumudgeonly Scrooge.

  162. Napoleon Says:

    Thinking about it, you could recreate that first Christmas by eating nothing but figs and boiled eggs for two days before Chrsitmas Day. With a towel draped across your head, the dog standing in as a donkey, and your missus forced to wear a false beard, you could all retire to the toilet and pretend the giant, egg ‘n’ fig shit that takes you hours of effort to get out was the little baby Jesus. When it finally lands in the bowl, you and the missus can hold your hands up to the sky and say,

    “BEHOLD! The Son of God is born this day!”

    That’s the best idea I’ve ever had.

  163. New Dave Says:

    They found me roaming the streets naked chewing a block of cheese like an apple last year. I wasn’t even drunk.

  164. Napoleon Says:

    Adding to my previous idea, why not invite friends and family around to play the parts of the shepherds and the wise men that witnessed the birth of Christ? I’m sure they’d love to spend the best part of Christmas morning standing around in your toilet watching you have a shit.

  165. ugeine Says:

    Quick, NP, I’d act that idea out before the loony – lefty – reptilian – prison warden politically – correct – government try and ban it.

  166. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t see how I can be quick, Ugeine. For my recreation of the Christmas story to work, it would need to be performed on the 25th of December. Mind you, I suppose you could get five year olds to do it at nativity plays. Kids love a good shit.

  167. Do I not like that! Says:

    not to mention the “elf and safety” loons.

    You couldn’t make it up.

  168. Napoleon Says:

    Surely the ‘Elf ‘n’ Safety NAZIS would have nothing to complain about? What’s dangerous about a grown man pretending to be the Virgin Mary shitting out an effigy of the Lord our Saviour made from human shit?

  169. ugeine Says:

    NP: Obviously, I meant ‘act quickly’ as in ‘act to destroy all non white races in our hallowed isles. And woofters.’ What other meaning could you possibly derive from that set of words that doesn’t contain ethnic genocide? Are they getting to you?

  170. charliemingles Says:

    if only the Nazis had stuck to the old ‘elf and safety – and not branched out into annexing the Sudetenland and murdering millions of Jews, it might have been so different. They obviously never thought it through.

  171. Napoleon Says:

    Oh, right. I thought you meant I had to act out the Christmas story as quickly as I could before I’m attacked by twelve foot lizards disguised as the Prince Phillip and Theo Paphitis. How foolish of me to miss the obvious – widespread ethnic cleansing.

  172. Napoleon Says:

    That’s Nazis for you, Mingles. Taking it too far, that was their problem. If they’d left it at poking their Aryan noses into stuff that was none of their business, Hitler and his cronies would be alive and well to this day (except they’d actually all be dead now of old age).

  173. Napoleon Says:

    I’d pay money to watch someone off of the telly I don’t like being drowned in egg-nog this Christmas, by the way.

  174. Do I not like that! Says:

    And why isn’t there any boxing on boxing day eh?
    It’s those bloomin elf and safety lot again.

    You couldn’t make it up.

  175. Napoleon Says:

    I thought Boxing Day was when we British celebrate the humble cardboard box? You mean to tell me I’ve been praying on my knees for fucking hours to a box for no reason?

  176. ugeine Says:

    You’re not the only one NP. I told flatmate to ‘act quickly’ in regards to paying the license fee, and she killed not one brown guy.

  177. Napoleon Says:

    I pay for my licence fee by Direct Debit, and I don’t care for those that don’t pay it at all. I found out my neighbour – a father of four – had forgotten to pay last month’s fee after chatting to a nosey woman at the Post Office. I rang the police, and was pleased to see them break down his door at four in the morning and drag the cheating swine screaming from his bed and into the back of a van. A man at the grocer’s told me he’d been electrocuted and set on fire that very night. An excellent result for us licence-payers, I believe.

  178. Do I not like that! Says:

    Don’t get me started on the Christmas party! Do you know what, it is now considered bad form to get tanked up and carry round mistletoe making lewd suggestions to female members of staff.

    You couldn’t make it up!

  179. charliemingles Says:

    Marvelous show Napoleon.

    Last week, I heard the attractive young couple upstairs from me having intercourse. Knowing that they were doing so out of wedlock, I immediately informed the local Conservative Party who sent round eight skinheads to beat the man to death and tar and feather his girlfriend through the streets with the word ‘Whore’ written in his fresh blood across her naked chest. (Nice tits an all. Phwoaar)

  180. Swineshead Says:

    I can’t believe they’re laying into moral guardian John ‘Gaunty’ Gaunt over here…

    What next? Undermining Littlejohn?

    You couldn’t not make it up.

  181. ugeine Says:

    Are you sure they weren’t Jew Lizards, Dave? I can imagine they most probably are.

  182. Napoleon Says:

    That’s outrageous! And I suppose goosing is frowned upon nowadays, is it? Typical bloody politically correct brigade. They’ll be banning getting blowjobs in the stationary cupboard next.

  183. New Dave Says:

    I once cubed a turnip and posted it to a randomly selected address.

    I didn’t do that.

  184. Napoleon Says:

    Well done, Mingles. It’s about time these sinners were shown the error of their ways. Like all God-fearing men, I waited until my wedding night before I indulged in the pleasures of the flesh. And after my sickening duty was performed upon my wife, I spent several hours purging my flesh with a whip studded with nails.

  185. Swineshead Says:

    Did you do the same thing after you boned that famous tart we went to school with (using an empty salt n vinegar bag as a condom according to reports)?

  186. Napoleon Says:

    Erm …


    *runs off, shitting*

  187. charliemingles Says:

    dont mention CENSORED. you”ll set us all off again.

  188. charliemingles Says:

    SH: that gaunty got the same disinterested silence when I mentioned it about 2 hours ago. Personally, I was delighted. I can’t stand the little fuckwit.

  189. Napoleon Says:

    A fine, upstanding pillar of the community, Mingles. Not a money-grabbing, talentless jizz-mop, as the filthy tabloids would have you believe, oh no.

  190. Swineshead Says:

    I heard about it yesterday and, if I’m honest, it’s so unsurprising that it kind of deserved the non-response, twice. He’s a knacker, that Gaunt.

  191. Do I not like that! Says:

    So now you can’t host a provocative radio show and call a tory a nazi. It’s elf and safety gone mad.

    You couldn’t make it up!

  192. Napoleon Says:

    I assume the Daily Mail will try blowing the incident out of all proportion after their attacks on Mock the Week and Clarkson failed to kick off another orgy of forced outrage.

  193. charliemingles Says:

    I agree. I have never met the young lady myself but the very idea that she is merely some sort of spunk-receptacle for D-list celebrities, is an outageous slur all over her jiggly tits and girly coquetish face.

    *turns out lights*

  194. Napoleon Says:

    She was a nurse, you know. A proper nurse with stockings, suspenders and a quivering bosom.


  195. charliemingles Says:

    she was quite cute a s a nurse. As soon as she started posing in lingerie, you just realised what an averagely pretty identikit blonde she was. Still, congrats again sir.

    *tips hat*

    Especially on the salt n vinegar crisp bag. Bear Grylls himself couldnt have improvised any more impressively. I myself need to use a Pringles tube – for obvious reasons.

  196. New Dave Says:


  197. Napoleon Says:

    When you’re that age, Mingles, you have to use whatever you find under the A17 flyover just outside Sleaford, Lincolnshire.

  198. Napoleon Says:

    Eh? What for?

  199. New Dave Says:

    Smoking cannabis in Television Centre’s canteen during filing of Ready Steady Cook.

  200. Napoleon Says:


    *breaks out pitchfork and flaming torch*

  201. Napoleon Says:

    Is this a lie, Dave? I can’t find anything about this anywhere.

  202. goerge Says:

    Would I get into any trouble recounting the time I smoked a certain plant in the certain headquarters of a certain authority in a certain town?

  203. Nick of the T Says:

    Yup…the dripping cunts did for me..

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: