Just A Thought – Children In Need


wogan pudsey

I know this is going to make me sound like a right miserable shitheap, but isn’t it about time Children In Need took heed of its own slogan – ‘Do Something Different‘?

I know I can’t be alone in thinking that a seven hour showcase of the shittest of the shit that Britain has to offer isn’t the best way of getting folk to stump up their money. Without referring to the schedules, I know it’ll go something like this …

  • Wogan and that fucking Fearne Cotton limpit introduce Westlife singing something shit
  • The cast of EastEnders sing some Godawful rubbish gleaned from the cultural wasteland that is musical theatre
  • Sugary bullshit artist Katie Melua sings something shit, yet wistful
  • The bollocks that is Strictly Come Dancing does some dancing
  • Take That sing their latest shit song
  • ITV gamely joins in by letting the stars of one of their few remaining popular shows (The Bill, Corrie or Emmerdale) sing a shit musical number that closely resembles their EastEnders counterpart’s efforts from earlier
  • Boyzone sing their latest shit song; the BBC newsreaders make fools of themselves as they sing an old 70s rock song dressed in women’s clothes
  • Whoever won the X Factor last year sings something soulless and shit that Simon Cowell’s minions wrote in a committee in five minutes flat
  • Over to Kate Humble and the mentally disturbed Bill Oddie for no reason other than everyone on a BBC contract is required to do something for the kids
  • Edgy Facebook generation singer Adele / Kate Nash / Duffy sings something shit about mobile phones or what-have-you
  • The cast of Top Gear prove yet again that anything they do beyond the bounds of their own editorial control is a complete disaster
  • KT Tunstall sings something shit, etc. etc. etc.

There must be a better way of mounting a televised charity event than simply filling it with hours and hours of the worst music this country is currently producing, surely?

If Comic Relief can do it, why not Children In Need?

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142 Responses to “Just A Thought – Children In Need”

  1. Lord Milky Says:

    They come round my work in Pudsey costumes and surround you at yout desk until you donate, the horrible bastards.

    It’s a bit like comic relief, but worse. 10 minutes of something that promises to be good, but isn’t – all broken up with 5 hours of begging and celebrities being ‘humbled’.

  2. Edna Welthorpe Says:

    Heh, spot-on. But Comic Relief is summat similar these days, viz:

    *Gervais ‘subverts’ the concept by pretending to be in South Africa
    * Fatty French snogs a sleb
    *Billy Connolly plays your silly dad

    et al et al et al (but not Al Murray, ‘cos he’s ITV)

  3. PTH Says:

    The shit bands and singers also always start their shit songs with the words “This is our new single”, the profits from which presumably go into their own (or management’s) pockets.

  4. New Dave Says:

    NC – I’ve emailed you a picture of my dog. Okay?

  5. charliemingles Says:

    Good one swinesy. youre on top form. that just about nails children in need.

  6. Napoleon Says:

    It has to be one of the worst nights in the British entertainment calendar. A sort of endless Top of the Pops interceded with begging, dignity-stripping and songs from the shows. Surely, with the wealth of talent this country produces, the BBC can come up with something slightly more entertaining than endless hours of appalling music, boring charity films and idiots who ponderously sat in baths filled with baked beans handing over enormous cheques to Terry Wogan?

  7. charliemingles Says:

    dont forget the worst part though – LENNY FUCKING HENRY.

    in the words of Piqued: IUTBDJBDG .. VkSJNJH111 !SKS9

    (im paraphrasing)

  8. Napoleon Says:

    By the way, Mingles, I wrote this.

  9. charliemingles Says:

    that richard cunt (wrighty’s sidekick and lone remaining posse member) is even more smug than steve wright ( or even janie lee fucking grace, and thats saying something)

    (I had it on for 30 seconds when I was in the kitchen boiling the kettle. remind me to get a digital radio for in there. there must be something on somewhere)

  10. Napoleon Says:

    There was another mad dash for the remote at two today. I’ve got Absolute Classic Rock on now. Since it changed its name, it’s started playing a lot more borderline stuff than it used to do. I don’t know much, but I do know that crater-faced buffoon Bryan Adams ain’t classic rock, anyway you slice him.

  11. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – That’s quite a cute little dog you’ve got there. Why, if you had a vagina, an expensive handbag and a trust fund to waste, I would even say it suits you.

  12. charliemingles Says:

    Oh, sorry napoleon. my mistake.

    my favourite spoof of this was alan partridges one where he mentioned that someone had wedged themselves into the glovebox of his 1984 vauxhall viva – for charity.

    I think these events serve an important social function though – how else would sexually-conflicted secret-alcoholic rugby players be able to dress up as st trinians schoolgirls and be wheeled around town in a pram going from pub to pub – and no one bats an eye lid?

  13. Who Says:

    Bryan Adams is MOR/AOR. Stuff what I likes. Do you need a list? I know you like to perve over it, Nappers.

  14. Swineshead Says:

    PTH – Your blog is excellent. I’ll be linking to that then. How do you source your stuff? Do you just link to anyone willing on FB and hope for the best?

  15. Napoleon Says:

    Don’t forget dipping their cocks into your beer, Mingles. How I’ve laughed at the many, many times some pissed-up behemoth in a tutu has dunked his flaccid member into my and my drinking companion’s pints. Hi-fucking-larious, those rugby lads. Ho ho ho!

  16. Swineshead Says:

    Rugby is a sport for arseholes. No doubt about that.

  17. ugeine Says:

    An ex used to tell me about rugby players, she went out with one. They game called knob on. In the showers, one rugby player puts his nob on the other and shouts ‘nob on!’ I didn’t really understand who won.

  18. Who Says:

    I’ve heard of this game. The knobber, rather than the knobee, is generally deemed the winner.

  19. Napoleon Says:

    I remember there was a big, sweet-natured lad at that sham of an art college I attended for five minutes. He was recruited by the rugby team, and within a week had been transformed from a genuinely lovely fella into a roaring, Ollie Reed-type character in a kilt, slapping women’s arses, moonying at any given opportunity and dipping his flea’s ear of a cock into people’s beers. What is it about the fucking sport?

  20. ugeine Says:

    Cheers Who. I wonder if there’s some kind of league table set up.

  21. charliemingles Says:

    It appears in the world of rugby, you assert your masculinity by engaging in comically-sexual antics with other men.

    Personally, even standing next to another man at the urinal is enough to turn my stomach on the off chance I catch a gimpse of the hideous little wobbly thing inbetween his legs.

    The very notion of any further contact, such as group baths, scrums or some playfully laddish sodomy – is quite hideous.

  22. Napoleon Says:

    So to win you have to get your nob on top of your opponent’s nob? Is this nob wrestling or something?

  23. Swineshead Says:



  24. ugeine Says:

    Another thing they do, when binge drinking, is to drink a concoction of eggs, Worcestershire sauce and other crap, down that, vomit, then carry on. And then bum each other silly. Probably.

  25. charliemingles Says:

    Thank the lord not all englishmen are enamoured of that fucking hideous song, Swineshead. having said that, i used to have an enormous crush on Julia carling and it depressed me to think of the sort of twat she fancied. Similarly with the frankly fucking gorgeous thing that is Zara Philips.

    I often think the best cure for an unhealthy infactuation with an unattainable woman is meeting their boyfriend: theyre almost invariably absolute twats and the fascination dissolves away almost immediately.

  26. PTH Says:

    Swineshead – thanks. I just type words into the search box and see what unprotected profiles come up, then look through them for stupidity. It keeps me amused for a little while.

  27. Napoleon Says:

    Has this witches’ brew had several cocks dipped in it, Ugeine?

  28. charliemingles Says:

    whats this bollocks about daves dog?

    (if only your surname was dodd dave, this would be so much easier)

  29. Swineshead Says:

    PTH – It’s a great idea, that. Have you had much success?

    Mingles – I don’t even know what Swing Low means.

    As for Zara Philips – you must be joking.

  30. Napoleon Says:

    PTH – It is rather good. I love ‘pj is fellin on top ov the world’. God bless the British education system, I say.

  31. Napoleon Says:

    Dave sent me a photo of his dog, Mingles. It looks like the sort of dog you see hanging out of Paris Hilton’s handbag.

    God knows what plans he has for this dog. I’m thinking of ringing the RSPCA.

  32. Swineshead Says:

    hey everyone im gaz aka gazertron

  33. ugeine Says:

    Speaking of blogs, our man at liftenlive hasn’t been on since the 27/10/2008. Reckon he pushed himself a bit too much and is now using the great prowler in the sky?

  34. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – I’m a bit concerned about him, actually. I hope he hasn’t pushed himself so much on that fucking sled that he’s puked himself to death in the parking lot.

    Live & Lift!

    (That could be our generation’s ‘Zeich Heil!’)

  35. charliemingles Says:

    Thats great PTF. very good idea. Of course, were all saying that until we appear on the fucking thing.

    Thank fuck I dont have a facebook account.

    *deletes facebook account*

    napoleon – I believe the chariot theyre refering to is one of those swing/harness things you use to make intercourse more easy – in this case anal. such a bunch of wags, these lads.

  36. charliemingles Says:

    any chance we can all see this pooch napoleon? Im quite intrigued.

  37. New Dave Says:

    It’s a Jack Russell.

  38. PTH Says:

    Fucking gazertron.

  39. Napoleon Says:

    Anal sex, eh? Very 21st century. When I worked in the scud shop, a middle-aged fella brought a blue movie back with the complaint that it was full of anal sex. I told him,

    “Get with the program, grandad. All the kids are doing it nowadays, old timer. Now take your video and fuck off out my shop.”

    We had a no refunds policy.

  40. Napoleon Says:

    Dave sent the photo to me privately, Mingles. I wouldnt want to infringe his new sex aid’s copyright without first drawing a pair of tits on its chest.

  41. New Dave Says:

    It’s a good dog.

  42. charliemingles Says:

    Thats ironic napoleon – in all the anal moves Ive watched recently the refunds policy is what comes straight after the money shot.

    is this dog for real dave? or just another one of your hilarious jeremy beadlesque gags?

  43. Who Says:

    You don’t have to wrestle, just ‘placement’ is enough to steal the er, crown *cough*.

    Fuck knows how I know about this.

  44. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – I didn’t say it wasn’t, did I? You know me, I love dogs more than I do people (because people are fucking bastards, see?). I just assume dogs like that live in women’s handbags, not with men. Men have proper dogs, not lady’s dogs like wot your new dog clearly is.

  45. New Dave Says:

    It’s my Jack Russell called Skye, CM. I have another one (that’s shit) calle Arran or however you spell the isle of arran, I don’t really care…

  46. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – do you live with your folks?
    It’s not your dog unless it lives in your house.

    Them’s the rules.

  47. charliemingles Says:

    youre fickle dave. showing such tender devoted love to one dog and ignoring the other one. no wonder you cant get a girlfriend ….

    hold on, I forgot – that’s down to the fact that you’re fat and ginger with glasses. My sincere apologies sir.

  48. New Dave Says:

    My dog’s a man’s dog, but we have two women’s ones as well.

  49. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles – It’s a harsh world of buyer beware in high street porn selling. We only gave ’em their money back if they could prove there was a defect with the disc. So there’s me, trawling through two hour’s worth of shaven European boys banging away at each other’s arses to make sure the customer wasn’t trying to fleece us for an extra wank. It was like being in a parallel universe.

    Who – So, let me see if I’ve got this right: On one side is Dave, on the other’s Piqued. Do they have to try getting their nobs on top of one another’s without the other player noticing? Is having an erect nob cheating (surely the length advantage would be unfair if your opponent’s nob is flaccid?)? Is it a sudden strike that wins the game? Rugby’s fascinating in its complexity …

  50. Swineshead Says:

    I’m still thinking about the gazertron. I wonder what caused him to append himself with a robot suffix.

  51. gaz aka gazertron Says:

    hey im gaz aka gazertron

  52. Napoleon Says:

    I agree with Swineshead’s rules.

  53. Swineshead Says:

    I had to relinquish control of my cat Sybill (aka Sybilltron) when I moved out of the family home. It was a sad day, but at least I observed the rules.

  54. charliemingles Says:

    surely Piqued’s bad back would put dave at an unfair advantage/disadvantage? (im no real expert on this particular game)

  55. Napoleon Says:

    I suppose you could tie leg-irons to Dave to even it up a bit?

  56. New Dave Says:

    I have my own dog that lives with my folks. The one I sent isn’t my dog.

  57. charliemingles Says:

    Live and Liftatron!

  58. charliemingles Says:

    I think if dave had his mum and dads jack russells, one under each arm – that should make it an even contest.

    But maybe the scottish rules are different. We play the regional style up here rather than the traditional league version.

  59. charliemingles Says:

    dave – even the dog refuses to move in with you. What more evidence do you need?

  60. ugeine Says:

    The way I understand the game, NP, is you have to place the nob on the other person (anywhere) without, and here is the clincher that elevates it from simple game to sport of kings, them noticing. Hence, it’s a game of stealth with unnecessary homoerotic overtones.

  61. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – That makes it your mum and dad’s dog. YOUR dog would be a dog that lives with you. One you walk every day, feed, take to the vet’s, etc. I think you’re confused.

  62. ugeine Says:

    Sorry for the grammatical abortion in my last post.

  63. New Dave Says:

    No. If I had a kid and then went to prison and my folks looked after my kid then that kid would be their kid and not my kid? DOn’t think so!

  64. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – I see. So for Dave to win, he could – for example – place his member in Piqued’s anus? No wonder Rugger Buggers love this game, it sounds MANLY.

  65. Swineshead Says:

    Who – couldn’t they just do the same thing but with a pen or a coin to avouid the unpleasantness?

  66. charliemingles Says:

    What the fucks he doing sending you photos of his family pets anyway napoleon. Sounds a mite sinister to me this.

    its like jamie lee curtis in single white female. he’ll be dresing like you and sneaking into your boyfriends room in the middle of the night to give him a sly blow job next – pretending he’s you. what a wag.

    hang on dave. do you play rugby by any chance?

  67. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – A kid isn’t a pet. Your argument is:


    It’s not your dog. Face facts, kiddo.

  68. ugeine Says:

    Yes, NP, but such a move would be needlessly elaborate. For instance, Dave could go for the old ‘jenkins diversion’; tap piqued on the shoulder and then manoeuvre the old chap into place on the small of his back.

  69. Swineshead Says:

    You relinquished your rights to that dog the minute you decided to masturbate in a hovel, nightly. Just as I relinquished the rights to my cat when I left the family home to drink homemade vodka in Sheffield.

  70. New Dave Says:


  71. Who Says:

    Thems USED to be the rules ugeine, until Brussels got involved. Now it’s got to be knob on knob, each player attempting to dodge the other until ultimately, as in any combat situation, whoever is caught unaware is felled.

    I can fax you the latest rulebook, beware, it’s a hefty tome.

  72. ugeine Says:

    SH: You obviously don’t understand Rugby players. This ex of mine said her ex woke up next to his friend after a night of beer, and went home to her only to find somebody had doodled on his ass. She then found lots of pictures on his camera phone of his friend with the same on hiss arse.

  73. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve long given up on trying to understand Dave’s motives, Mingles. I just thank God that the county border prevents that monkey-walking Manc wankhammer from coming over here and murdering me in my sleep. Yorkshire’s like Krytonite to a Lancastrian.

  74. Napoleon Says:

    Who – So it has to be nob on nob? In which case, my earlier query needs an answer: is erect against the rules, or actively encouraged?

    Dave – Not your dog.

  75. ugeine Says:

    WHAT?!!?!?! Europe has come over here, with their clucking tongues and their ‘elf and safety nonsense, and changed the rules to how BRITISH people play a BRITISH game? As a citizen of the empire, I think I can put my johnson wherever I damn well please, thank you. You couldn’t make it up.

  76. charliemingles Says:

    I’m thinking of suggesting a new British Lions team after all this new rugby knowledge. heres the line-up:

    Divine (not british, and dead – but hypergay, so he can be the captain)

    larry grayson ( scrum-half – he has that useful string for his glasses so they wont fall off when he throws the ball in for the scrum)

    Forwards: dale winton, graham norton, dick emery’s hilarious ‘duckie’ character and that bloke out of frankie goes to hollywood with the moustache.

    With a team like that we could take on the world!

  77. Swineshead Says:

    A future dictator practices:


  78. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve just had a gander at the rules, and it says ‘ere that it definitely ain’t your dog, Dave.

  79. Swineshead Says:

    Mingles, all those people are out. I think the point of this game is it exposes latent homosexual tendencies so all your lot would automatically be disqualified.

  80. New Dave Says:

    I did not expect this hurtful response. I simply wanted to share the joy of my new dog with my best e-friend and then this happens.

    (Charlie Mingles eats dogs in the highlands whilst washing himself in the same pot he pisses in.)

  81. Swineshead Says:

    It’s like I said, Nappers. It’s definitely not Dave’s dog.

  82. Badger Madge Says:

    you forgot the bit where they go to nationwide tv studios for z-list celebs and a crowd of shrieking loons. *snore*

    still, it’s like xmas day. you can set yer clock by it. *i fear change!*

  83. charliemingles Says:

    did my last post get deleted or just not posted?

    it was about the game Kabaddie?

  84. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – Your new dog? I think you’ll find it’s your mum’s new dog.

  85. New Dave Says:

    It’s my mum’s new dog but it’s also my mum so it’s a new dog however you want to slice it.

    Not that I’d slice a dog. A live one.

  86. charliemingles Says:

    im flattered dave that like a lot of half-witted folk down south your parents have named their angry pocket-dogs after scottish islands.

    if youve ever been to arran or skye though, you’ll find theyre mainly populated by red-faced inbred alcoholic islanders and mad posh english people from london.

  87. Napoleon Says:

    Glad you’ve finally admitted you own no dogs, you bog-brained boobie.

  88. Napoleon Says:

    ‘Skye’ is a shit name for a dog. If I was forced to have to name a dog after something Scotch, I’d call it ‘Coronary Heart Disease’.

  89. New Dave Says:


    My folks are tasteless and have chosen to leave the wonderful Manchester for shitty Scotia. And why? Because their cottage backs onto a stream and my dad likes to fish.

    Are you happy?

  90. Clarry Says:

    Hello everyone, i’m back!

    Did anone watch ‘How mad are you?’ last night? I definitely think i’m mad.

  91. ugeine Says:

    You don’t have to be mad to comment on here, Carry, but it helps! Ho ho ho.

  92. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – Have they taken their dogs with them? As opposed to your dogs (as you have no dogs)?

    Clarry – Hello again! Are you wearing knickers?

  93. charliemingles Says:

    agreed napoleon. Similarly, my parents’ old english sheepdog answers to the name of ‘repressed homosexual scholboy’ and seems perfectly happy with this state of affairs.

    And I believe the o’swineshead family back in old oiyland named their pet pig ‘potatoes’ – as he was scarce, infected with diseaese and largely inedible.

  94. ugeine Says:

    Irish Potato Famine jokes! Do you have any on the chartists?

  95. Napoleon Says:

    It’s impossible to put into words how little I actually care about the Irish potato famine. Ditto the Highland clearances and the bombing of Dresden.

  96. charliemingles Says:

    still waiting for the photo of this dog. As its not actually daves dog, surely no copyright infringement will result?

    where about in scotland are your parents dave? I hope its not edinburgh?

  97. charliemingles Says:

    Clarry – no, I didnt watch how mad are you. as I know precisely how mad I am already. was that the thing where they had to guess which group was the mad one and which not?

  98. New Dave Says:

    Newton Stewart.

  99. Swineshead Says:

    Erm… I’m not Irish. As you know, you tit.

    http://tinyurl.com/bigface – try to control yourselves.

    And NC – that enquiry about Clarry’s clothing situation was a bit off, wasn’t it? I can’t leave you people alone for 5 minutes. It’s like taking your eye off a pack of incontinent dogs.

  100. charliemingles Says:

    thats virtually england dave. barely over the border. couldnt they make less half-hearted attempt to be scottish. Why – I bet theyre not even alcoholics?

  101. Napoleon Says:

    My apologies, Swineshead, I shall rephrase my question …

    Clarry – Hello again! Are you wearing no knickers?

    It’s fucking political fucking correctness gone fucking mad on ‘ere.

  102. Napoleon Says:

    Thanks for that picture. I can’t read m’damned screen now.

  103. charliemingles Says:

    marvelous piece SH. although we scots prefer the more traditional method of injesting cooking oil – through deep-fried breakfasts and fish suppers over a 65-year time span.

    Of course, the end result is often the same – just takes us longer to achieve the same apearance. But I certainly admire her efficiency and commitment to her new-found scottish national identity.

    I believe a scottish passport is winging its way towards her as we speak.

  104. charliemingles Says:

    SH: and Im not BALD. or sex-starved …

    okay – But, Im not BALD.

  105. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles – You come across as pretty bald over the internet. Like one o’ those old folks you see shuffling about on the street. One o’ them.

    Old, bald git.

  106. New Dave Says:

    How old is Mingles? He comes across as a man in his forties.

  107. charliemingles Says:

    I am old. and a git. but IM NOT BALD.

    Youre fucking bald, you baldy bastard. bald is what you are. bald bald bald bald bald. fucking BAAAAAAAALD!!*

    * not that theres anything wrong with that

  108. charliemingles Says:

    fifties, if you dont mind. Im no whippersnapper.

    *breaks hip on edge of cooker*

  109. charliemingles Says:

    Dave – youre confusing age with eloquence, education and intelligence. I’m actually only 17, just properly educated.

  110. New Dave Says:

    50s? Have you had your rectum checked by a doctor yet? I hear that’s what happens in your fifties. A doctor shoves his hand up your arse! Enjoy it.

  111. Napoleon Says:

    Fifties? Jesus! You bald, old bastard. I’m surprised you know how to use this ‘ere internet malarky, grandad. Is your grandson pushing the buttons for you? Hey, old timer? Hey?


  112. New Dave Says:

    No, you’re not seventeen. You’re a man in his forties (or fifties).

  113. Napoleon Says:

    I’ll wager Mingles is terrified of the future, for ahead lies only incontinence, madness and then death.

    Don’t bother listening to any long-playing records, Mingles!

    Put down that copy of War & Peace!

  114. charliemingles Says:

    I woke up in the middle of the night dave to find my doctor lying beside me and that he’d inserted his cock in my arse without my express permission.

    Of course, he merely explained that he was a keen rugby player and this was simply a regional variation on that popular tig-cock game.

    Oh how we laughed. I lost the game and had to suck his cock whilst dressed as Princess Anne. Apparantly thats the rules.

    Still – 6 months before my next check-up!

  115. ugeine Says:

    Good to see you keeping the scene alive, mingles.

  116. New Dave Says:

    Calm down with the filth, pops, that’s a young man’s game. You’re like the Jonathan Ross of the blogosphere, just bald and not as charming (and Scotch). Stick to jokes about the price of Werthers Originals or how much you like Norma next door’s new blue rinse in future for your own sake.

  117. charliemingles Says:

    you cheeky young scallywags.

    *waves fist before running it through lustrous head of thick hair*

  118. charliemingles Says:

    what scene would that be, Ugeine?

  119. Napoleon Says:

    What was that, grandad? I was too busy doing young people stuff such as iPopping and faceSpacing and stabbing people and shit.

    *listens to The Busy Rascals*

  120. New Dave Says:

    CM is a silver surfer. He must have heard about the internets on a SAGA cruise. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had more hair in hise ears and nostrils than his scalp. Infact, he probably comes over the waxy ear hair to allure unsuspecting senile women down the local care home.

  121. charliemingles Says:

    Napoleon – I feel you’ll be struggling for material if I usurp your curmudgeon status on ‘ere. Im not that old. Or in the least BALD.

    I am fucking skint though. 6 months writing a screenplay and its still not fucking finished. the bastard.

  122. New Dave Says:

    Combs over, not comes over. But, sodding hell, why not? Let’s go with the former.

  123. ugeine Says:

    The Nob on scene, Mingles. Oh, look behind you will you?


    NOB ON!!!!!

  124. charliemingles Says:

    that would have been funnier if you’d been able to spell ‘combs’ dave.

    Actually, it probably wouldn’t been. But at least you’d have left dignity intact.

    Actually, sorry. Scratch that last comment. I forgot who I was speaking about for a moment there.

  125. New Dave Says:

    I corrected it before you corrected it so the jokes on you and your big waxball of cum-coated ear-pubes. Watch out Mavis!

  126. charliemingles Says:

    Right Ugeine. My mistake, I didnt realise there was a whole scene involved.

  127. ugeine Says:

    Oh mingles mingles, you’re only touching the tip of the genitals. Did you know you can play nob on via post now?

  128. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles would never be able to get the upper hand in a game of ‘Nob On’. We thrusting young bucks need only to get an erection to gain an advantage over him – an advantage he would only be able to challenge if he’d had prior warning that he needed to fire up the viagra. And that’s not what ‘Nob On’ is all about, eh lads?

    NOB ON!

  129. charliemingles Says:

    Dave – if you remember I used to be the one who defended you on this site – thinking the other big boys a tad harsh on you.

    Now I see how wrong I was young man. Birching’s far too good for you.

    To think the country’s in the hands of ginger scum like you and your (mothers) little dogs. It saddens me. it truly does.

  130. New Dave Says:

    The closest he would get is ‘hob on’, when he leaves the hob on in his damp, cold pensioner flat and burns it all down because he’s senile in the head and old and stuff like that and stuff!!!

    Right, I’m off to eat a steak and ale pie and swig some IPA. Good evening.

  131. Napoleon Says:

    Combovers can be pretty convincing. I assume that’s what Mingles has done: Grown an enormous flap of hair just above his neck and then plastered it forward to make a sort of ‘hair claw’ (imagine a gorrila clamping his paw atop Mingles’ head).

    Well you’re not fooling me, Mingles! You’re bald, d’ye hear? A bald, shuffling old bastard, forever muttering about how it was better in the old days before the local laird drove him from his land.

    NOB ON!

  132. charliemingles Says:

    I think I’d still be able to raise a higher erection than the gingers though Napoleon.

    Their genetic abnormailities make normal breeding virtualy impossible, I believe. Some scientific boffin makes them in a test-tube with charlie drakes old spunk and a clown’s wig.

    (im not a scientist, so not sure of the exact details)

  133. Napoleon Says:

    Well I suppose I’d have to agree with you on that.

    You’re still bald, mind. Bald and old.

    (I have photographic evidence)

  134. charliemingles Says:

    you have me wearing a BALD wig.

    On that basis, I also have my ribcage permanently exposed and three large teeth protruding from the front of my head. and furry hands. And almost all of these things were in fact fancy dress as I clearly explained earlier in the week.

  135. Napoleon Says:

    By his own admission! You’re a gargoyle of a man, Mingles! Frankenstein’s monster is an adonis compared to you. The Hunchback of Notre Dame would win Mr. Universe if the contest was between you and him, you corrupted, damnable abomination of a supposed human being.

    In a less gentle age, they’d have stuck you in a cage and pelted you with rancid fruit.

  136. charliemingles Says:

    thats still how I get my five a day sir.

    Im off to rub some linament into my joints …

    ..I mean, bench 350 with the guys.

    see ya doodeerino LOL

    *does young persons hand-gesture thing*

    keep me posted on this sinister and infernal temperature business.

  137. Napoleon Says:

    I’m off m’self. Into the Peak District for a night at a sinister local pub with the possibility of a grisly murder / werewolf conversion scenario at the close of the evening.

  138. charliemingles Says:

    watch out for rik mayall in the corner then, playing chess. People usually miss him.

    Enjoy the carniverous lunar activities sir!

  139. Terry Says:

    Nice to see all the little boys can swear, well done you have all done well. Shame as your message is lost in the obscenities.

  140. Dave Says:

    At long last, a sensible young man on WWM.

  141. ugeine Says:

    Yes, I can’t help but wonder what the message was. Are you trying to insinuate that there’s something, well, not that good about Children in Need?

  142. The Spaghetti Says:

    Too right there’s something, err, not right. I believe it was Mr Ross Noble who first let it be known that Pudsey Bear lost his eye in a fight.

    Not so cuddly after all.

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