NewsGush – Grade/Commons Comment on Cussing


According to the BBC, Michael Grade and a handful of politicians are getting themselves in a bit of a tizzy regarding all the bloody swearing on the bastard TV. Frankly, they think it’s a fucking disgrace.

It seems the focus of their ire is Channel 4’s Jamie Oliver who, it has to be said, did swear a hell of a lot on his last outing – Jamie’s Ministry of Bollocks Food.

Channel 4’s Head of Programming, Julian Bellamy, said the following:

“When you watch these shows it’s very clear that the fruity language he uses is a real response to the shock and anger at what he sees [and] his passion and determination to change things.

“People know what to expect from Channel 4 and we have a duty to push boundaries.”

I’m not sure being sweary pushes any boundaries, but it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. If you spend any time on crowded public transport, on a busy street or even at the pub you’re going to hear a hell of a lot of rude words – so why pretend in TV-land that everyone’s awfully polite and well-mannered?

 And do politicians have nothing better to do than react publically to the indiscretions and naughty words of public figures? The lazy bastards.

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214 Responses to “NewsGush – Grade/Commons Comment on Cussing”

  1. New Dave Says:

    You must understand that Television is a public medium and whilst the majority of people aren’t offended by it, if evoked by it at all, there are various religious groups in the country who are excluded from post-watershed television needlessly.

    Now, if it were a gritty documentary or decent film dealing directly with issues surrounding the idea of swearing, perhaps there would be merit. We’re talking about a cookery show here though and, to be frank, it comes over a little juvenile. The only reason Jamie and the like swear is to be ‘edgy’ or ‘controversial’ when, if we disect the words and their intention, that’s not what we should be encouraging in a cohesive society.

    Good on them, I say.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    People get offended very easily Dave. One man’s comedy is another man’s filth.

    What negative impact does swearing actually have?

  3. ugeine Says:

    Dave, the only reason Jamie is swearing is because in the last fifty years it has become acceptable to swear in social situations to signify frustration or anger, as Jamie does.

    And as for a bunch of politicians whining about it, who cares? They’re jus trying to get in the headlines. Like that snivelling twat Dacre who complains about the ‘liberal media bias’ in the same speech where he recalls asking Gordon Brown to change some policy or other for him in a speech.

  4. Do I not like that! Says:

    On the theme but just opening it up a bit what did you think of the fcuk branding? Cheap and tacky is what comes to my mind.

  5. New Dave Says:

    SH – A lot of offence seem irrational but that’s an entirely separate and impossible debate. What we must have in this country is a ‘Ronsil’ approach to programming. A cookery show called ‘The Ministry of Food’ should not contain swear words that allude to sexual or violent behaviour. Can Muslims or Christians not watch a primetime food show because of us edgy, westernised folk who can’t see the problem? That’s the reall issue and it’s a tough one to call. When it’s needless swearing, though, can we defend the freedom?

  6. Badger Madge Says:

    New post up about the other night’s How Mad Are You, btw.

    Don’t mind swearing when it’s passionate. Not just for the sake of it like wot Guy Richie fackin does.

  7. Lord Milky Says:

    Isn’t Burnham talking about dragging some of the broadcasting big boys in to have a word about it? It does make you wonder if some job cuts are needed over at Whitehall to improve efficiency.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    With branding, it gets cheaper the more ubiquitous it becomes. If a slogan is everywhere people become bored very quickly. If it remains somehow exclusive (think Prada or similar) then it remains impressive.

    People are also impressed by campaigns with minimal (or even non-existent) branding.

    That’s why there is a need to constantly rebrand – too few do and most stick with what they think works long after the market tires of it.

  9. Nick T Says:

    Fuck ’em.

  10. Do I not like that! Says:

    Swearing has it’s place in the rich tapestry that we call language. Chaucer and Shakespeare could be quite rude, so rude expressions and swearing have had and do have their place. It is easy to swear, but swear words used gratuitously is just a bit lazy and unimaginative.

  11. Swineshead Says:

    I just dribbled saliva down my shirt after monging out at my screen – this is cause for concern.

    Dave – that’s their fault for being brainwashed goons. I have no idea why you’re defending their right to be pointlessly offended.

  12. Swineshead Says:

    If someone’s ‘fucking pissed off’ they have every right to say that they are.

    ‘Ruddy annoyed’ just doesn’t cut it in this day and age and day. (and age)

  13. wally bazoom Says:

    Isn’t this why we have a watershed?

  14. Swineshead Says:

    BM – I watched How Mad Are You last night on catch up. I thought it was quite well made. Ridiculously drawn out though – the opening where they described the concept lasted 8 minutes. Ridiculous.

  15. Swineshead Says:

    She said
    There’s something in the watershed
    And i can hear it breathing
    It’s such an eery feeling

  16. mostlylouche Says:

    Oh Fiddlesticks, stuff like this makes me just so angry. It’s total bobbins.

  17. New Dave Says:

    How Mad Are You is a great concept in the wrong format. It should have been done like a Despatches or Horizon type thing. Just looked tacky.

    Anyway, most of us suffer from a complex or two surely. Just me?

  18. Swineshead Says:

    They pointed that out constantly throughout the show Dave – do you actually pay attention to anything?

  19. New Dave Says:

    No. I have a complex that doesn’t allow me to do such a thing. It’s called The Baader Meinhof Complex or somesuch thing. Besides, I was having a wank and a Ginsters steak slice at the time.

  20. charliemingles Says:

    SH: Nice Divine Comedy reference there. I love them, got all their albums.

  21. Nick T Says:

    This argument has been going on since “To Death Do Us Part” it’s old, so very old.

  22. The Satire! Says:

    I don’t care how much shagging swearing he does. He’s still a cunt. I wish he’d just shut cunting well up and fuck off with his preachy middle class bollocks.

    In a few years time we will probably find out that while he was lecturing us all he was having cocaine covered hamsters stuck up his arse by Phillipino schoolgirls as he munched on a plate of Big Macs.

    Mockney Twat!!!!!

  23. wally bazoom Says:

    Has Gor Don Ramsey stopped swearing? Last time I saw him, he was jumping up and down pretending to be maniacally happy, going ‘I want YOU to cook onions, COME ON’.

    It’s all his fault, anyway. I reckon it’s more likely that people would be more offended by a charmless posh man bullying some cooks in a hot metal shed than a bit of colourful language. I certainly am.

  24. Swineshead Says:

    They’re pretty good, eh Mingles?
    I like that song Frog Princess – indie xenophobia and sexism. Nice!

  25. New Dave Says:

    Hopefully the didn’t call the billions of Muslims, Jews, Christians, Buddhists, Sikhs and Hindus ‘goons’ in the song though.

  26. Swineshead Says:

    I wish I knew what the fuck Dave’s on about.

  27. ugeine Says:

    I think there’s an ideological angle if you bring up swearing use by Oliver and Ramsey. Oliver’s a young, urbane pretty boy and the poster boy of middle class liberal morality. Ramsey is a self made, ‘onest days work, school of hard knocks graduate. While most people wouldn’t be offended by Ramsey’s swearing (work with a builder for ten minutes and you’ll hear worse) they would be by Oliver’s. It’s the same with Brand and Clarkson: if you’re a young, rock an’ roll, ex drug user who does lots of weird sex stuff you’re going to get people offended if you act in an insensitive way, though if you’re Clarkson it’s OK to act in an insensitive way.

  28. ugeine Says:

    He’s making a piss weak link between been offended by swear words and been offended by religious discrimination.

  29. Do I not like that! Says:

    “Rude am I in my speech, and little blessed with the soft phrase of peace”.

    Othello, Act 3, Scene 1.

  30. New Dave Says:

    >>>> ‘that’s their fault for being brainwashed goons. ‘ <<<<

  31. Swineshead Says:

    Am I talking to the Dave who called Egyptian people ‘sand-people’ yesterday or the day before in a flippant, racist turn of phrase?

    Stop being a twat Dave.

  32. New Dave Says:

    Ancient Egyptians not modern ones but point taken. Still…

  33. Swineshead Says:

    I’m not specifying a religion Dave, my religious intolerance spans all faiths and belief systems.

    It was also, quite plainly, a joke.

    You twat.

  34. ugeine Says:

    ‘crusin’ by the crack spot, fat wadda cash gets snatched by the have nots / have whatevers, pass my baretta.’ – Johnny Polygon, There’s a price on your head, Verse 1, Lines 4 – 6.

  35. charliemingles Says:

    My colleague Tom from the satire being very eloquent above there.

    Welcome back to cyberspace sir.

  36. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Oh! You voluptuous Manhattan Island clit’

    Frank Zappa – ‘Do You Like My New Car?’ from Live at the Filmore East, June 1971.

  37. charliemingles Says:

    SH: that regeneration album is one of my favourites: note to self, Dumb it down, bad ambassador. all excellent.

  38. New Dave Says:

    ‘Well, I’ve fucked the queen, I’ve fucked Bach
    I’ve even sucked an old man’s cock
    So what, so what
    And I’ve fucked a sheep, I’ve fucked a goat
    I rammed my cock right down its throat
    So what, so what
    So what, so what, you boring little fuck’

    -Metallica, So What

  39. ugeine Says:

    critical its pitifull im cynical
    how i deliver lyricals and take these other niggas paper
    topsy-tervy contraversy im so thirsty go no mercy

    *tape rewind*

    topsy-tervy contraversy im so thirsty go no mercy
    for some of these bitches..i collect my money now and later
    keep it movin with the clique..while making bitches hit the strip
    cake up everyday i wake i RATE the way my money flip

    *air horn*

    Busta – Where’s my money.

  40. Do I not like that! Says:

    To no one in particular…

    “Thou qualling rump-fed gudgeon!”

  41. Swineshead Says:

    What’s my motherfucking name?
    And who I rolling with huh?
    My niggas
    Niggas better get it right, bitches better get it right

    Ruff Rydaz, Ride or Die Volume 1

    Why are we doing this?

  42. Do I not like that! Says:

    Thou ruttish rude-growing bum-bailey!

  43. Do I not like that! Says:

    Thou jarring fly-bitten puttock!

  44. ugeine Says:

    don’t hate me, i’m just an alien
    with 37 tons of new millenium dum ditty dum,
    where’s it coming from misses aguilera,
    come and get some oh no which way to go,
    to the dance flow in stewa-stereo pay me no mind i seen the fight club,
    about 28 times and i’m a keep my pants sagging keep a skateboard,
    a spray can for the taggin’ and i’m a keep a lot of girls on my band wagon
    cause i don’t give a fuck livin’ life in the fast lane

    Fred Durst, 2003.

  45. charliemingles Says:

    see what youve started swineshead. skinny white boys quoting rap and hip-hop. you should all be ashamed.

    Freaking niggaz every way like M.J.
    I Can’t believe, today was a good day

    It was a good day – Ice Cube

    ( see what I mean?)

  46. indy Says:

    i’m not jesus
    though i have the same intials
    i’m the man
    who stays home and does the dishes
    – pulp, dishes

  47. roszs Says:

    I don’t see why Jamie Oliver needs to swear so much on a cookery programme. I swear quite a lot, but I don’t swear in front of people that I think might find it offensive.

    Does that make me a Daily Mail reader? I fear so…

  48. New Dave Says:

    ‘Some girls are bigger than others
    Some girls are bigger than others
    Some girls mothers are bigger than
    Other girls mothers’


  49. ugeine Says:

    Those are the worse hip hop lyrics ever, Ros.

    It doesn’t even rhyme.

  50. Swineshead Says:

    Ah well I don’t see why the big J.O.
    Needs to swear so much on a cookery show.
    I swear quite a lot, but not extensive
    ‘Specially-not-in-front-of-folk who might find it offensive

    Does that make me
    A Daily
    Mail reader?
    I fear so…

    I said does that make me
    A Daily
    Mail reader ?
    I fear so…

    Rozsz, just now, WWM

  51. indy Says:

    i agree with roszs. j-o swearing on telly. what’s next? bob the builder effing and jeffing to make his point and show that he geniunely cares?

  52. Swineshead Says:

    I agree with all the points that my homegirl made
    Cuz Bob the Builder never effs when he digs his spade
    It don’t make a point
    And noone cares
    So don’t get fresh
    With your foul-mouthed wares

    Ind-E Swede, just now, WWM

  53. ugeine Says:

    Now you’re talking my language, SH!

  54. Swineshead Says:

    Swiney Swizzles to you, Ugeine.

  55. Do I not like that! Says:

    I agree with roszs.

    I think we will all agree it is funny when somebody has a funny name. Euro 1996 was enlivened by Stefan Kuntz, and there is a Japanese player whose name used to elicit giggles during 2006. Seaman used to cause a degree of hilarity too!

  56. ugeine Says:

    I think the swears are appropriate in the context of the show. MOF is not a simple cooking show. ‘Take dem motherfuckers, beat them in that bitch ass bowl like sheeit, see you niggas need to see how I do it,’ for instance, would be an inappropriate way for Jamie to show us how to make an omlette.

    However, MOF is part cooking show, part documentary in which Jamie is not only showing us how to cook, but he’s giving a look at how he tries to change the eating habits of a group of people.

    When things don’t work out, the documentary needs to show that Jamie’s frustrated with the lack of progress otherwise it looks like he’s not bothered if it works or not, and you lose your documentary angle. Keeping the documentary angle in mind, the discourse of reality would be compromised if he said ‘oh gosh darn it, I’m really annoyed now.’

  57. roszs Says:

    What’s that nice song those pleasant young black fellows ‘rap’? Help the Police. Help, help, help the police.

    I like that one.

    (apologies to Adam Buxton)

  58. roszs Says:

    On his normal cookery show, he is NAKED. That is even worse.

  59. Do I not like that! Says:

    ahh yes heres’ my man Takashi Fukunishi.

  60. Swineshead Says:

    That’s true Rozs – that was back in the 90s too when he was underage.

    It’s a fucking disgrace.

  61. Napoleon Says:

    This swearing gubbins has got right up my nose recently. My bloody mother’s rung me up on three seperate occasions to moan there’s too much of it on television nowadays. As if I give a fuck? She wants to get with the program. Start thinking outside of the fucking box. Get with the 21st Century, yeah? Buy herself one of those iPops and have some anal sex and shit.

  62. indy Says:

    break it down, swineshead.

  63. New Dave Says:


  64. Napoleon Says:


  65. roszs Says:

    My mother tells people off on the bus for swearing. I am terrified of the day she comes to visit me in Hackney.

  66. New Dave Says:

    Oswaldo Cox?

  67. charliemingles Says:

    Napooleon – dare I ask …?

    What’s the temp in the Lizard house?

  68. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles – Ole, ole, ole, ole, feeling hot, hot, hot.

  69. charliemingles Says:

    Anyone see Lead Balloon last night?

    Only the second time Ive watched this – and its been lame shite on both occassins. Whatever happened to Jack Dee? He was likeable and funny once.

    Also watched ‘I think I love my wife’ Chris Rock’s truly appalling movie. A superb stand-up. but this film, co-written with the hugely over-rated Louis CK and directed by Rock himself is utter ball-juice.

  70. piqued Says:

    You don’t look it NC, you look fucked to be honest

  71. charliemingles Says:

    are you and your girl in your bikinis with the neighbours -drinking bacardi breezers? And engaged in hilarious beach games which involve passing comedy fruit from groin to knockers, pretending its all just for fun?

    what hilarity that must be.

  72. Swineshead Says:

    Lead Balloon is bloody awful, yet I’ve watched three episodes. Not sure how that happened.

    Those who say ‘Hey! It’s the UK’s very own Curb Your Enthusiasm!’ clearly haven’t seen Curb Your Enthusiasm.

  73. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – I’m not referring to myself, I’m referring to my house.

  74. piqued Says:

    SH, think I saw 10 minutes once by accident, I thought it was a drama. Utter crap

  75. New Dave Says:

    Lead Balloon’s too middle-class for me to handle. These people with money, time and varied lives need not be miserable.

  76. charliemingles Says:

    SH: Its that thing that happens when comedians have been famous for too long and lose touch.

    Seeing jack Dee attempting to play himself with such a SHITE SHITE SHITE script and surrounded by his dull liberal middle-class wife, kooky kids and comedy-foreigner cleaner – is truly appaling.

    Its no better than my family. But at least thats on BBC1 and doesnt pretend to be anything other than mainstream.

  77. Swineshead Says:

    They look very much upper middle class though.

    I don’t even know what middle class means any more. Is a rich comedian middle class? I thought it meant somebody with a comfortable income and a professional job.

  78. Swineshead Says:

    It must be current though – it doesn’t have a laughter track.

  79. New Dave Says:

    Dunno. I watched that thing with Prescott in it and I’m still at a loss. Upper middle-class it is, I suppose.

  80. Napoleon Says:

    Bucking the trend, I quite like Lead Balloon. Is this a new series? I’ll have to see if it’s turned up on catch-up.

  81. Swineshead Says:

    It’s on tonight, NC – and it’s good to know your appreciation of completely shit sitcoms continues unabated.

  82. Napoleon Says:

    Fair enough, I’ll be tuning in and enjoying the ‘completly shit’ Lead Balloon with gusto. I suppose you’ll be watching one of those landmarks of television shows you like on E4 OR ITV2, will you? Is America’s Next Top Model on tonight? Or Dog Borstal?

  83. New Dave Says:

    I’m full of flu and it’s causing me to berate moronic customers. I’m off home. Enjoy the day without me. Try your hardest.

  84. Swineshead Says:

    Have I ever said that I like America’s Next top Model?

    And have I even mentioned Dog Borstal in two years?

  85. charliemingles Says:

    I use the term middle-class in a completely casua and meaningless fashion SH. And youre quite right topick me up on it. What I meant was wealthy guilty liberal guardianista types, who think council estates are glamorous and would secretly like to know someone with a heroin habit. they usually work in the media – and therefore jack dee and his shitcom fits right in there.

    napoleon – Im frankly surprised that a geniunely humourous and amusing man such as yourself would like this tripe. Im assuming youre being delightfully ironic? Im sure you could write something 20 times funnier in your sleep – assuming you get any these days. with that ghosts n that.

  86. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t know if you like this shit or not. I use them as examples to illustrate the point that you watch vast quantities of ghastly tripe. Do you like America’s

  87. Napoleon Says:

    … Top Model?

    Pressed the wrong button there.

  88. Swineshead Says:

    I don’t – the missus does and I get hold of it for her.
    Once in a while I’ll watch it with her. It’s like you and Smallville.

    They should stop making television programmes that are solely tailored for women – it’s sexist.

  89. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles – Again, I’ll point out that I don’t watch television in an ironic fashion. I watch Lead Balloon because I like it. I don’t see why I should join in the general consensus that it’s badly-written shit when I don’t think it is. I’m not trying to win a popularity contest – I like it, you lot don’t. Not the first time this has happened, and undoubtedly it won’t be the last.

  90. Napoleon Says:

    I watch Smallville in a fug of disgruntlement. Thank Christ they fill the show with nice looking birds, else I’d strangle my missus for feeding my eyes with slurry.

  91. charliemingles Says:

    SH/anyone else on wordpress:

    any idea how I get my paragraphs to happen in wordpress?

    Im trying to do it but they keep defaulting back to:


    when what I want is:



    Talk amongst yourselves.

  92. charliemingles Says:

    As ever napoleon – you are a paradox wrapped inside an enigma sir.

  93. ugeine Says:

    Lead Balloon is absolute arse fluff.

    But then again, so is Friends and I love that show.

  94. Swineshead Says:

    There’s no accounting for taste.

    We’ve all learned something today.

  95. roszs Says:

    (I quite like Lead Balloon)

    *runs away*

  96. Napoleon Says:

    See? I’m not alone.

    By the way, I really enjoyed ‘Sunshine’ too.

  97. Swineshead Says:

    Nobody’s having a go at anyone here, let us all be nice.

  98. charliemingles Says:

    those lizard aliens have obviously infected your brain man.

    stick your head in the fridge.

  99. Napoleon Says:

    Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. I didn’t get murthered in that pub last night, which was handy. I did, however, win the first part of the quiz by correctly identifying a large quantity of the shadow cabinet. I fucking knew watching BBC Parliament would pay off in the end.

  100. Swineshead Says:

    I haven’t been to a pub in months. It’s odd, now I think about it.

  101. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    ‘Ey up. I don’t mind a bit of swearing as long as noone gets glassed.

  102. charliemingles Says:

    was ed bollox one of the questions?

    I always laugh when I hear his name. Imagine his schooldays. poor fucker.

  103. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    NP – I likes Lead Balloon too. Who says it’s rubbish? I’ll glass them.

  104. charliemingles Says:

    I hear youre off the ol’ sauce swineshead. hows it going?

  105. charliemingles Says:

    still no response to my paragraph query I see.

    Fuck the lot of you then …

  106. Napoleon Says:

    Ed Balls is Labour, Mingles.

  107. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    and Labour is Ballsed. OHOHOHO!

  108. Napoleon Says:

    Glad to have you back, Wagonwheel.

  109. charliemingles Says:

    sorry, didnt see the shadow bit there.

    thats a shame then. Funny name though. poor cunt. quite like his mousy-wife too. she has something of the librarian about her.

    congratulations on knowing thre opposition then. I woudlnt know where to start there. Haig and the shadow chancellor, whatshisface, is as far as Id get I think.

  110. indy Says:

    dr fox is a favourite tory. he is well scary. hague and ids are funny bunch. and what was the name of the one from romania? he who led them before cameron took over?

  111. ugeine Says:

    Something proper weird is happening on speakyourbranes. The words in all the comments are replaced with ‘blah’.

  112. charliemingles Says:

    Thats the joke ugeine. I believe.

  113. Cravendale Cow Says:

    Kiwi fruits look like tarantula’s bums.

    If you have any other fun thoughts on life, the world or anything at all then send them to us cows at-

    -and who knows, you could be featured on our website and win a years supply of Cravendale, milk so tasty the cows want it back!

  114. Swineshead Says:

    What the…

  115. ugeine Says:

    I think it’s a hack, Mingles? I’ve heard of a hack that replaces words with other words.

  116. Swineshead Says:

    Ugeine – it’s a joke – the rest of the site is fine. He’s saying that the BNP man talks shit.

  117. Napoleon Says:

    What’s that Cravendale thing? Is that this ‘spasm’ stuff I’ve heard about? Are we having a spasm?

    *prepares tin-foil hat*

  118. ugeine Says:

    I don’t know about that, NP, but I do sure know that if you want top top milk at low low prices, by Cravendale.

    Remember, Cravendale: milk so tasty the cows want it back!

  119. ugeine Says:

    SH: It could be, but it’s not just that post, it’s been going on since the start of the week. Half way through the comments on the ‘not funny, just heart-warming‘ post it started. I’m thinking it’s a hack.

  120. Napoleon Says:

    I prefer Jersey gold top milk, Ugeine. It’s rich, it’s creamy and it looks fantastic drizzled over a pair of tits.

  121. ugeine Says:

    But NP, Cravendale is the milk of choice for sexual acts! Why, it’s creamy texture means it’s perfect for pouring across the anus of a burly trucker and licking off!

  122. Cravendale Cow Says:

    If the collective noun for mouse is mice, is the collective noun for a husband/wife spice?

    Kiwi fruits look like tarantula’s bums.

    If you have any other fun thoughts on life, the world or anything at all then send them to us cows at-

    -and who knows, you could be featured on our website and win a years supply of Cravendale, milk so tasty the cows want it back!

  123. Swineshead Says:

    Mrs. Cravendale – could you stop doing that? You stupid cow.

    NOB ON

  124. Napoleon Says:

    I wouldn’t know about that, Ugeine. I leave anuses to you young people, with your wrap music, your iPoppers, your mobile CB radios and your love of guns, bitches and Argos-quality gold jewellery. We old timers drizzle Jersey milk on our partner’s tits, not this new-fangled Cravendale stuff.

  125. ugeine Says:

    …Anybody buying Cravendele yet?

  126. ugeine Says:


  127. Cravendale Cow Says:

    Hi guys.

    my name’s Stuart. I’m a film student trying to earn some extra money for my studies!

    If you can send an email to add a ‘Fun Thought’ and then Stuart4 I get fifty pence per comment 😉

    This blog will get a mention on the Cravendale site if you add it as your name for submission!

    Bye! 🙂

  128. ugeine Says:

    Jesus, what a complete and utter cunt.

  129. Napoleon Says:

    Stuart – Could you tell the Cravendale people I wouldn’t drizzle that muck on my missus’s tits if they paid me fifty pence per drizzle?

    And then fuck right off?

  130. Swineshead Says:

    Shall we spam him back?

  131. Cravenwheel Says:

    Hi Guys.

    My name’s Stuart. I’m a lazy-ass student trying to scab some cash for being a workshy layabout.

    If you can send an email to and add a ‘fun thought’ and then ‘Cravenwheel’ I get fifty pence of someone’s hard-earned cash!?!1:) 😛 😉

    This blog will get inundated by Cravendale whack-jobs looking for handouts but you’ll get a massive boost in your career and life by having your name on a website nobody goes on because they don’t need a website for milk.


  132. Do I not like that! Says:

    Innocent until proven guilty, however methinks this has the mark of a known prankster to this site….to the batmobile!

  133. ugeine Says:

    you think if I got a friend to hack the cravendale site using his IP address and left lots of beastial porn there, he’d get the sack?

  134. Swineshead Says:

    The Cravendale site isn’t even a real site.

  135. charliemingles Says:

    this has got dave written al over it/,

    what a fucking surprise.

  136. Napoleon Says:

    It could be them lizards again.

    ‘Ere! My hallway’s soaked through, and I’m not prepared to do a damn thing about it. I’ve known it’s been raining out there for hours, but have I rung my landlord? HAVE I FUCK!!

    Oh yeah! Take that, the system!

  137. Swineshead Says:

    It’s Dave – I checked.

    The cock.

  138. Napoleon Says:

    It was Dave, was it? Bloody idiot.

  139. Who Says:

    Drizzle your Cravendale shizzle all over my nizzles. Wassup.


  140. Napoleon Says:

    See? It’s the young uns wot want Cravendale drizzled all over their tits and up their arses and shit. No bloody class whatsoever, these kids.

  141. Do I not like that! Says:

    I have noticed Dave starts the day being quite intelligent and dare I say thoughtful, perhaps challenging the status quo as only youth knows how to do. By the afternoon he has descended into an idiotic buffoon.

  142. Who Says:

    You started it, chattin’ shit about tipping milk all over Mrs Nappers’ nips! I’m just checkin’ the vibe and runnin’ with the hood, yeah

    *stoping all this ‘ere hoodlum chat now as no good at it*

  143. Napoleon Says:

    Mrs. Nappers has stopped me covering her tits in milk after we didn’t have enough for a cup of tea the next day. She seems to have been put on this earth specifically to spoil my fun.

  144. charliemingles Says:

    DINLT: thats daves modus operandi all right. regular readers set their clock by it

  145. charliemingles Says:

    these voodoo practices are obviously your problem napoleon.

    everyone knows if you cover your girfriends tits in milk you summon demons.

    Dont they teach you english kids anyfin?

  146. piqued Says:

    I bought a new tank top, I may as well go to the fucking hursing home now

    It’s lambswool so help me god

  147. Swineshead Says:

    We’re getting a bajillion hits today because people are causing masses of trouble on the BBC messageboards because they hate George Lamb… Someone linked to us there…

    What fun!

  148. Napoleon Says:

    A tank-top? Off of the Fifties? Bloody hell! What next, Piqued? A tea-tray of the Queen Mum?


  149. piqued Says:

    … I’m thinking about a teasmade, I’m hard for a teasmade…

    Oh hang on…

    *eats Viagra*

    I’m hard for teasmade

  150. Napoleon Says:

    Is there anyone out there that actually likes this George Lamb character? If not, why is he presenting a show on a national radio station? Surely his listening figures would be zero, wouldn’t they?

  151. charliemingles Says:

    I hardly think youre in a position to criticise anyone for poor taste napoeon – seeing as youve admitted to enjoying lead balloon.

    not to mention summoning demons all over your poor girlfriends tits.

  152. Napoleon Says:

    My grandma had a teasmaid. I envied her that teasmaid. Imagine it – a machine that makes the tea for you!

  153. Swineshead Says:

    My Nan’s still got one. I still envy her. I wish I could crawl into that bed and use it before she wakes up.

  154. Napoleon Says:

    I’m not sure about your summoning demons theory, Mingles. I shall have to mull it over once my party tonight comes to an end.

  155. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – I hope I’m the first to say:

    “So would I … PHWOOOOOAAAR!”

  156. Swineshead Says:

    Did you ever meet my Nan?

  157. piqued Says:

    George Lamb? Baaaa




  158. Cravendale Cow Says:

    My gran’s got a teamaid as well. They’re olden yet futuristic all at the same time. Imagine waking up to an alarm that offers not only a radio but a piping hot brew as well! If you were an elderly like CM you could scould yourself to Walking on Sunshine everymorning whilst waking up in your own piss!

  159. Napoleon Says:

    Loads of times. She looked like an old version of your mother*.

    *Factual – not to be taken out of context

  160. piqued Says:


    What the fuck is that?

  161. Swineshead Says:

    She does indeed.

    Dave – I noticed it’d got past 4.15pm – you’re into ‘have a pop at Mingles’ phase then are you?

    I preferred it when you pretended to be a girl.

    What the fuck was all that Cravendale shit about? You realise as I’m the moderation gimp that was quite annoying for me?

  162. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued, the guardian of the English language thunders into battle once more.

  163. charliemingles Says:

    When you say party, Napoeon – I’m assuming you mean black satanic mass?

    lets face it – youve already built your house on a sacred indian burial ground, conjured the spirit of an irate victorian heating engineer, poured voodoo joojoo juice on your girlfriends norks – and exposed our lizard overlords in print.

    You may as well go the whole way now and summon beelzebubb himself. At least you’ll get to see all them ladies in white robes with nuffin underneath first before the goat of mendez himself appears to bring down chaos and a 1000-year reign of terror.

    I hope youre happy now.

  164. Do I not like that! Says:

    Dave ..what the heck do you have for lunch?

  165. Napoleon Says:

    I’m having a party to celebrate Britain’s partial victory over The Bloody EEC regarding the freeing from the bonds of slavery of our turnips, Mingles. Did I say ‘party’? My apologies. I’ll be drinking a can of Stella in front of Lead Balloon, and occasionally cheering and raising my fist in triumph.

  166. Cravendale Cow Says:

    I go through about 100 calls a day and it destroys my perspective, basically. I type this stuff whilst talking to welsh builders and it helps nobody at all. Not you, me or the Welsh bloke who’s waiting for me to speak right now!

  167. Dave Says:

    /\ That was me!

  168. Swineshead Says:

    Did you think being the Cravendale Cow would be funny?
    Ever thought about self-editing?

  169. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t think Dave understands the concept of being funny, Swineshead.

    Because he’s a socially-inept, humourless, lonely twit, see?

  170. Swineshead Says:

    I think he just has moments of madness. He needs the love of a good woman, poor lad.

  171. Napoleon Says:

    Don’t they have prostitutes in Manchester? Mind you, on Dave’s rubbish call-centre money, I doubt he could afford much more than a fumble of tops-on tits.

    At least he has his Buffy melons.

  172. charliemingles Says:

    I see Dave’s moved onto the self-pity phase now. Must be about 4.30 I reckon.

    *doesnt even bother checking watch*

  173. Badger Madge Says:

    dammit i came into this far too late (because i have a world ethic. well. a bit of one).

    can you direct your How Mad… comments onto my post please? blog is looking most empty these days and i did take the trouble to write about the show an all…


  174. Napoleon Says:

    Badger – Self-pity’s a lovely thing to witness, ‘specially in a woman.

  175. Dave Says:

    I’m actually quite a normal soul with an average social life and all that. Thing is, on a night like to night when I have no money, I’ll be forced to withdraw to my pokey room all alone watching The One Show on a small, flickery b/w TV/radio, whilst the light cries through the cracks in the doorframe and my ‘housemates’ wonder what the sobbing and creaks are all about. That’s what I have to look forward to after a long stint talking to cunts on the phone all day. And there’s no way out soon. (until I get a bigger TV next week).

  176. charliemingles Says:

    Would it be at all sexist to suggest that you are a typical woman madge?:

    We hear nothing from you for months and suddenly you turn up batting your eyelashes and flashing your knickers and wanting us to help you out.

    I blame emily pankhurst – the hoor.

  177. ugeine Says:

    I think he needs an intervention. Or a lesson on REEL internet pranks. As a 16 yr old, I nearly got kicked off the Kerrang Boards with three words and a link. That’s a fucking prank.

  178. Dave Says:

    Not ww.Goatse.ex, Ugeine. Please. Everyone went through that stage as a teenager.


  179. Napoleon Says:

    You have no money already? It’s not even halfway through the month! How much do they pay you? 50p an hour? You could make more money begging, Dave.

    Mind you, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if that’s what you end up doing anyway. You rancid FAILURE.

  180. Napoleon Says:

    When I was 16, there were no messageboards. It was all fields in them days. All fields.

  181. Do I not like that! Says:

    How’s the wwm “make dave a millionaire initiative going?” We got to get on with it. Has Nap composed a rousing song yet?

  182. Napoleon Says:

    I’m still working on it, DINLT. I’ll be revealing my masterplan when I’ve finished my research. It’s a shitter I can’t just make him a registered charity, it really is.

  183. Dave Says:

    Most people can’t afford to go out every night, NC. I have enough money to go on a barge rave around Castlefield locks followed by drinks on Saturday and TV on the Radio (an average indie band of characters) on Monday. But, yes, I’ve considered the fact my spending power wouldn’t be much different if I was on the dole.

  184. ugeine Says:

    Dave, you must be able to get admin work at least?

  185. Napoleon Says:

    Well don’t you worry, Dave. Once our campaign to turn an undeserving call-centre worm into a millionaire goes global, you’ll be able to have as many nights out as you like.

    For about half a year until you blow all the money we’ve made you. You feckless wastrel.

  186. Dave Says:

    I can get a better job, of course. But let’s get Christmas out of the way for the sake of the children.

  187. charliemingles Says:

    Napoleon – surely daves regular monthly splashy suicide attempt will aid in publicising him to the nation?

    Its like clockwork.

  188. Swineshead Says:

    Nappers – we could use that tune I sent you on Sunday as the backing. It won’t be much of a stretch to add rousing trumpets and strings at the end to get it really spunky.

    Make Dave a Millionaire. It’d sail to the top of the charts.

  189. Napoleon Says:

    All in good time, Mingles, all in good time.

    I originally wrote your name as ‘Minges’ there … hurr hurrrr hurrrr!

  190. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – We’ll need a full orchestra for the Dave charity appeal record. I’m thinking big ‘ere. Really, really big. Richard and Judy big.

  191. Swineshead Says:

    Sometimes you only need to scan the headline to get the full story:

  192. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve got the synths!
    I’ve got the synths!

    And again – headline does all the work…

  193. charliemingles Says:

    thats hilarious napoleon. Thank god im not using my actual name:

    cud funtington

    that causes all sorts of hilarity whenever I book into hotels. I usually end up just sleeping in the street, instead. Its easier all round, I find.

  194. Napoleon Says:

    I think that urinating dentist should have his ban overturned. In fact, he should be congratulated on his improvisational skills. I know I’d have never thought of using my own piss when the mouthwash ran out.

  195. Napoleon Says:

    ‘Minges’, eh? Eh, Mingles? That’s women’s fannies is that! Ho ho!

  196. Dave Says:

    Isn’t urine sterile anyway? I heard it was. No case.

  197. charliemingles Says:

    you cant beat a good headline, tells the whole story. My favorite is from Viz:

    My Baby is Son of Satan says Glasgow Mental Patient.

  198. charliemingles Says:

    dont start me off napoleon.

    ROFL LOL LOL xfkjahksfjhsfss

    you couldnt make it up.

    we should be on the stage. they should make this into one of them sitcoms.

  199. Swineshead Says:

    I take it that Dave song ideas out the window then?


  200. Badger Madge Says:

    mingles i’ve bloody been here ffs! no one ever listens to me is all, AM I’M SICK OF IT! SICK YOU HEAR ME???

    *stomps off*

  201. ugeine Says:

    Available for childrens parties…

  202. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – All in good time! The ‘Dave Millionaire’ project needs to be slick and properly done, i.e. cost money. We can’t knock it up in five minutes or it won’t work.

    Ugeine – That is truly beyond belief.

  203. charliemingles Says:

    Madge is obviously on the rag. poor cow, they cant help it. It plays ‘avoc with their hormyones, you see.

  204. Napoleon Says:

    They’re a nightmare when they’re up on blocks, aren’t they? I like that olden days idea of locking ’em away somewhere until they’ve finished doing their business.

    And that’s NOT sexist.

  205. charliemingles Says:

    that glitter thing has to either be very old or a gag. Surely no one could make money impersonating glitter.

  206. charliemingles Says:

    I agree napoleon. Simple science really.

    A big box of chocs, a sex and the city vid and a hot-water bottle – and the little thing’ll be right as rain.

  207. Badger Madge Says:

    *munches on chocolate*

    i’m not actually.

    *grabs hot water bottle and old, stained jogging bottoms*

    i’m FINE.

  208. Dave Says:

    And that’s just you Mingles!

  209. charliemingles Says:

    doesnt quite work that, dave.

    Although I think I know what you were struggling in your rather feeble ginger way to do.

    what happened to the conceit of ‘ new dave’? Gone already?

    Youve no stamina man.

  210. Napoleon Says:

    They love Sex & The City, don’t they? Who wouldn’t want to share in the delightful story of a horse-faced slapper and her elderly friends as they fuck anything that moves over the course of 200 series and a shit film? Apparently, they’re making another movie. I assume this one will be sponsored by Deep Heat as opposed to Galaxy chocolate?

    I suppose you could hire that Gary Glitter lookalike to frighten naughty children with? Nothing else appears to work any more, the knife-wielding, bad-mannered, little shits.

  211. charliemingles Says:

    smantha is the best because she really enjoys sex. she talks about it all the time and goes on about her orgasms and the positions wot shes dun it in, which I find both shocking and hilarious.

    how ironic that the actress who plays her had never had an orgasm in real life till she was in her forties and went on every fucking daytime talkshow in the world with her grimacing new beau to talk about it like an excited and randy teenage boy. And then he dumped for a younger model about 6 months later. You couldnt … etc

  212. Nick of the T Says:

    “Cunting” that did it……

  213. ugeine Says:

    On the subject of this, you know David Tennant has never defeated a space alien before his 40th birthday?

  214. Do I not like that! Says:

    Frank Skinner well known WBA supporter and comedian was on R4 this morning discussing his act and the fact that he has tried it without swear words. (Approx 8.25 AM). Made me laugh when he suggested that the TV chefs swear to compensate for the public perception that being a cook was really woman’s work. TOO right, Ramsey, Oliver et al…bunch of wusses!

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