Never Mind The Buzzcocks


Ever since a loose collective of Metallica fans in Boston ripped the culture industry a new arsehole, we’ve been promised a new dawn in music.

The internet was talked about in the early part of the decade as a cross between the Russian Revolution and the second coming of Christ. Papers foretold a world in which the oppressed music fandom proletariat would rise against the industry, behead our evil corporate overlords and instigate a new world order where bands could reach fans while leaving out the coke-addled suit in the middle.

Instead, what we got was a world of Sandy Thom. Nowadays, it’s completely normal for a music label to reach a four figure settlement with a teenager who downloaded nursery rhymes. 

Music hasn’t got better, only more prolific. There are more bands, singers, songwriters and dancers. More record labels, industry types, music blogs and music fans. 

Everybody is a critic, and the word ‘critic’ has been diluted so much that no music critic ever dares to criticise music. From that irritating, snivelling fan-boy Zane Lowe, who churns out superlatives like a thesaurus on a crack binge, to the cretinous scenester twunts at the NME, the music industry regularly pops out a vertebra, bends over backwards and fellates itself silly. 

The music industry seems to have survived a major assassination attempt.   

Which is why it’s still a godsend that we have a programme like Never Mind the Buzzcocks. For the last 22 series, NMTB has gathered an assortment of artists, musicians, singers, industry types, actors and dancers and torn apart their dignity with the elation and precision of a sadistic dentist. 

It has insulted national treasures, pretentious artistes, nihilistic rock stars and desperate round-eyed pop singers. As the series has progressed, with new hosts, team captains, rounds and guests, this is the one thing that has remained stable, and will remain the reason that audiences tune in. People often criticise the comedy-quiz genre for a lack of spontaneity and originality, confused as to why people still tune in.

However, while you still have a preposterous and self-congratulating music industry, you will still have people that want these musicians taken down a peg, and you will still have Buzzcocks. The producers signalled as much by hiring Amstell. 

A good host is the cornerstone of a good comedy quiz show. Mark Lamarr, in this department, was a tonic. Part comedian and part music nerd, he acted as the ill-tempered guardian of respectable music. He had a weighty yardstick with which he would bash his guests over the head by. Namely: contribution to music. 

If you were in a well-respected band he might let you off lightly, while if you were a leech on pop’s anus he would tear you down with manic glee. As the series progressed he got increasingly cynical until he called it a day, retiring to a radio career where he plays obscure sixties songs.  

Amstell, however, is not Lemarr 2.0. He entered the music industry as an apathetic presenter of a by-the-numbers pop music show. It eventually became a cult hit due to his presenting style, which included insulting about 90% pop stars doing the rounds. While other pop presenters were grinning from ear-to-ear, congratulating McFly on their latest single, suggesting it is their favourite so far and generally patronising the viewer senseless, Amstell was coming on to notoriously homophobic dancehall star Beanie Man, saying Katie Melua’s first album was ‘so bad it made me want to puke my guts out’ and making Britney cry.

And here lies the main difference between Lamarr and Amstell. Lemarr might simply insult you because your band is the flavour of the week. His increasing cynicism towards the role made you suspect he still believed that somewhere there was a molecule of respect in the music industry which his show was failing to represent. He seemed to believe it was an industry worth saving. 

Amstell, who has admitted before he has ‘doesn’t know anything’ about music, sees it as a doomed industry ripe for the picking. On Buzzcocks, Amstell doesn’t so much as mock rubbish music as perform character assassinations. On any day he can be as cruel and as witty as Lemarr, his twee fuddling presenter shtick forces guests to let their guard down before he sticks the knife in. While Lamarr might have mocked Preston from The Ordinary Boys for being a pretentious arse, Amstell caused him to walk off by quoting choice bits from his wife’s biography. He sees the façade of celebrity and brings the contestants back down to earth. 

Anybody who saw the recent episode with James from Glasvegas will realise he’s steadily gaining confidence in the role. The official NEXTBESTBANDINTHEWORLD according to the self appointed indie bible, the NME, he seemed content to do the dark and broody thing until Amstell mentioned a song he wrote about his father. 

Annoyed, James decides to insult Amstell’s gaudy cardigan. ‘Oh, as if you could see this thing with those deeply pretentious sunglasses on’ returned Amstell. James shut up, confused.

James will probably appear on the chat shows and have Jonathan Ross explain how much of a fan he is. He’ll get put on the NME’s cool list.  He’ll do interviews with Zane Lowe, who will call him the best guitarist in the last 25 years – something he says about six people per week. He’ll do stadium tours, get a coke addiction and release a second album, by which time nobody will care. He’ll probably realise that the one person he talked to in his walk towards fame who said what he and other people actually thought about him was Amstell. 

That’s why people keep tuning in. With the music industry showing little sign of falling as predicted and with Amstell hitting his stride, it’s hard to see an end to Never Mind the Buzzcocks.

So long as there’re pop stars, rock stars, singers, dancers, producers, guitarists and icons, there will be bored people on a Thursday evening who want to watch them get taken down a notch.

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102 Responses to “Never Mind The Buzzcocks”

  1. Napoleon Says:

    I liked it when he dressed as a rabbit. I like it when people dress up as animals.

  2. charliemingles Says:

    Cripes! That’s long. Pity you can’t spell ‘Lamarr’. I thought Swineshead was supposed to proof-read this stuff?

    This site has gone to the dogs since I left.

    It says on Wikipedia Lamarr is a keen bee-keeper. Sounds like bollocks.

  3. Napoleon Says:

    He likes his bees, does he? That figures. Bloody bee-keepers – they’re all the same.

  4. charliemingles Says:

    I used to keep bees, you know.

  5. Swineshead Says:

    One error. To be fair Ugeine’s article was a bit messy – but nowhere near as bad as your past articles, Mingles. Your site is a complete mess. That’s why I don’t read it.

    I’m not getting paid for this shit, and spelling Mark Leomards name right is very low on my priorities – so get fucked you owl-headed Scotch geriatric.

  6. Napoleon Says:

    He’s bald, y’know.

  7. Napoleon Says:

    Dave’s just sent me a picture of one of those Mr. Frosty drinks makers. Fucking Lancastrians.

  8. charliemingles Says:

    Thanks Swineshead. It’s a good job you paid me so well for all those articles I wrote here – temporarily and artificially raising the standard of the material on ‘ere – you big-girl’s blouse.

    One error – repeated about 12 times. You blouse-wearing big-girly blouse you. BLOUSE!

    Napoleon – as I was saying, I used to keep meself.

  9. charliemingles Says:

    Always with the ‘Scotch’, oy oy oy!

    the bees ate my hair.

  10. ugeine Says:

    It was barely an article when I posted it to SH, he’s cleared up the flow of the thing and made it read properly. He probably had a minor heart attack when he first saw it. He deserves his name on the byline.

    Is the spelling all you disagree with then?

  11. charliemingles Says:

    Don’t worry Ugeine. I’m sure it was all proof-read, ship-shape & bristol-fashion when it arrived on his desk.

    Assuming they have a desk in the dog-food factory where he works. I think they just have an old mattress in the corner.

  12. PTH Says:

    I’m not keen on it anymore. Lamarr and Sean Hughes worked well together, although maybe too keen on The Smiths. Bill Bailey doesn’t know enough about music, and guest presenters are generally shit.

    Only watched it last night to see Richard Herring, and even then only saw about ten minutes before turning off because of Amstell’s new haircut. I did enjoy the general degradation of the bloke from the new cool new band though.

  13. Dave Says:

    Herring should be the new team captain! Let’s get an online petition thingy.

    And I sent you a picture of a Mr Frosty machine, NC. Okay?

  14. charliemingles Says:

    Hasn’t the world moved on beyod the style of Buzzcocks?

    The format looks quite staid to me, these days.

    That said – I’m a moe-foe young dooderino, so perhaps not everyone’s as hip-to-the-happenin’ scene as wot I iz bro.

    I used to keep bees, you know.

  15. ugeine Says:

    Bill Bailley doesn’t know enough about music? You’ve just voided your entire ergument there.

  16. Swineshead Says:

    That’s the thing, you do this stuff for free to keep a bald old scotch gentleman (who I doubt has ever had sexual intercourse with anything living) entertained and they don’t even comment on the content. It’s a fucking disgrace and you couldn’t not make it all up.

  17. Swineshead Says:

    Bill Bailey’s a multi-instrumental maestro…

    And he’s not on it any more.

  18. Nick T Says:

    I love it and this article. I didn’t notice the spelling mshtake, but then I wouldn’t would I?

    I’ve allways loved buzzcocks.

    My best bit was when Amstell was ripping it out of that blonde punky lad.

    “They do this for a living” he quiped at him as he tried to out do Bill Bailey.

    I’ve been watching Robert Llewellyn show me how Marmite is made…fascinating!

  19. charliemingles Says:

    Excellent suggestion Dave!

    I would seriously suggest that the appointment of new team captains Richard Herring and Andrew Collins would really re-ignite this show.

    Even hep young cats like me would probably watch it then.

    (No one seems interested in the bees, thing. Frankly, I was expecting a flood of queries. I’m gong to have to lay off all those temps I took on to man the phones – and it’s nearly Christmas. I hope you’re happy.)

  20. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – Yes, I got the Mr. Frosty picture. Thanks for that.

    I don’t like Phil Jupitus. Not for any good reason other than he didn’t bother getting back to me when I requested an interview with him to discuss his involvement with the Bonzo Dog Band. That fat bastard.

    *tosses journalistic integrity off balcony*

  21. Do I not like that! Says:

    CM…That’s because you are an apiarist..(geddit).

    It was based on the same format as “They think it’s all over…”
    Always felt the format worked better in it’s sporting guise.

  22. ugeine Says:

    His Cockney Music skit is probably one of the better stand up routines I’ve seen. I know I bang on about Bill Hicks, but Bill Bailey shits on him from a great height.

  23. Dave Says:

    I’m going to write an article for WWM about Mock the Week.

    ‘News has been around since the dawn of time. Infact, cave people drew news on caves and before even that a show called Have I Got News For You was created. Mock the Week is SHIT.’

    Pad it out a bit if you want, Swineshead. And credit as your own work, I don’t need the glory.

  24. Napoleon Says:

    I think the idea of Herring as a permanent captain’s a good one. Not so sure about Collins. Isn’t he too busy appearing as a talking head on all those BBC3 list shows?

  25. ugeine Says:

    Nick: Donny tourrettes, I loved that episode! I think he says ‘Donny, let me explain something to you. Bill is a professional comedian. You can’t win!’

  26. ugeine Says:

    And surely calling Buzzcocks crap because you don’t like the format is a bit like me saying ‘well, I don’t like movies much so the Godfather was shit’.

  27. Napoleon Says:

    I enjoyed The Godfather. I like the bit where James Caan gets riddled with bullets. I don’t like curly-haired people, they look like clowns.

  28. Dave Says:

    If you don’t like movies it would be valid to not like the Godfather movie because you don’t like movies. What’s your point, Ugeine? Art and entertainment is subjectiviviive.

  29. charliemingles Says:

    And I’ll have you know Swinesy old boy, I’ve just spent 5 minutes passionately publicising this site on Collings’ blog.

    Tireless, thankless work I do for you here and all I get is abuse – and not even one enquiry about my bees. You beeist bastards.

  30. Swineshead Says:



  31. ugeine Says:

    I didn’t like the godfather. They all spoke weird and it was too long. my favourite gangster film is micky blue eyes.

  32. Do I not like that! Says:

    CM …(again)…..That’s because you are an apiarist ..(geddit)….

    *********forelonely goes home********

  33. Napoleon Says:


  34. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – Are these pictures of toys you keep e-mailing me what you want for Christmas?

  35. ugeine Says:

    Well, Dave, saying ‘I don’t like movies’ wouldn’t be judging the film on it’s own merits, or lack of.

  36. Dave Says:

    Has there been a film about Space gangsters made? If not, I’m going to write a screenplay about them this weekend and make millions!

  37. ugeine Says:

    Cracking SH likeness NP.

  38. charliemingles Says:

    Mingles Answers Your Bee Queries:

    DINLT: yes, I see what you did there. Congratulations!

    Ugeine: No, that would not be correct. And you are in fact talking cobblers. Hope that clears up any confusion.

    Any bee-related queries? No …?

    *sacks more staff*

    *tears ‘Bee-related’ memorabeelia from the walls*

    *turns to drink*

  39. Swineshead Says:

    I’m proud of my beak – it’s nothing compared to the melting bolus of gobbed flesh on Nappers’ melting face.

  40. Swineshead Says:

    Has there been a film about Space gangsters made?

    Jabba the Hut is a space gangster.

  41. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t mind bees, but wasps are a different matter. I’ve been known to run screaming into walls the moment one comes anywhere near me.

  42. fourstar Says:

    A little known fact is that the real reason Bill Bailey left Never Mind The Buzzcocks so that I could see him on tour on Tuesday 16th December 2008.


  43. Napoleon Says:

    Wasn’t Jabba the Hutt made out of all turds? He looks like he’s made out of all turds to me.

  44. Dave Says:

    Swineshead – it’s not ABOUT him though. All he does is make Leyah look all sexy in her slave suit, so sexy infact that I named my pet dog after her. but I want a movie ABOUT space gangsters.

  45. Napoleon Says:

    YOUR pet dog, Dave?

  46. Nick T Says:

    I publicise all your yap here

    AND I’ve joined all your blog groups on the book of face.

    Therefore I win.

    BEE FACT 1 in a series of 2 – All Brish bees dies out years ago, the one we have now all come from outer space or sumink!

  47. Nick T Says:

    Do male bees have buzzcocks?

    *ties it all together*

  48. charliemingles Says:

    Napoleon – I can’t help you there, I’m afraid. I know nothing about wasps -having wound-up my wasp helpline quite a few years back.

    We only got three calls in 28 years, my wife left me and I had to sell my house. Still, you’ve got to see these things through. It might have been huge!

    Now Bees on the other hand … that’s quite a different matter entirely.

    Watch out for me wowwing them on the next series of Dragon’s Den. Or ‘Wasps’ Nest’ as I rather cleverly call it.

  49. Napoleon Says:

    It would be better if that show featured actual dragons. I’d pay more license fee to see one of those bloody women who’ve come up with a ponderous invention based around their bloody children being rended limb from limb by a fire-breathing monstrosity sat on a big pile of gold.

  50. ugeine Says:

    Stuart’s ROFL of the day goes to Nick T. And maybe even a LMAO.

  51. Dave Says:

    I’d invent a 2p coin that you could split in half to make 2 1p coins, and that would be the new currency for everyone. All 1ps would be haved 2ps and you could do it for all the coins and stuff.

  52. charliemingles Says:

    I’d rather see that skinny boss-eyed gimp evan david torn limb-from-limb myself …

    …. the mans has absolutely no interest in bees whatsoever!!!!

  53. charliemingles Says:

    Dave – that’s almost shit enough to actually appear on the programme. I’d hire some middle-class children if I were you and audition for the next series.

  54. Napoleon Says:

    So far I’ve invented two things, both of which were shit, and one of which was stolen and appeared on Dragon’s Den. The first was a circular rubber ring that contained a flexi-lead dog lead inside. You pulled out the lead, attached it to your dog, took it to the park, unhooked it, let the lead go back in the ring, and then threw the rubber ring for the dog as a fetching toy. I neglected to realise at the time I sent the idea off to dog products manufacturers that this would mean your dog lead was covered in slobber for the return journey. Got no takers – bastards.

    The second was ‘Cable Table’ – a table for pubs with cable televison transmitted on a glass screen forming the table’s top. I was amazed to see a bloke come on Dragon’s Den with the exact same thing, and then delighted when all five Dragons pointed out his / my idea was rubbish.

  55. charliemingles Says:

    I submited my ‘smash it up’ concept (featured on my blog) for the first series of Dragon’s Den. They never even bothered to respond. Even when I went through it and took out all reference to Bees.

    The laugh was on them though when I travelled down to their studio and smashed it to pieces with a sledgehammer. then let some bees loose ….

    I got £200,000 for 5% equity. Which I think was quite reasonable – given the circumstances.

  56. Dave Says:

    I would invent a bin bag that you put a baby in, just leaving the head popping out, to save in the price of nappies. You could use it for dogs and get mini ones for gerbils.

  57. Napoleon Says:

    You can already get dog bags. I don’t know what they’re meant to achieve, but I know you can already put a dog in a bag.

  58. charliemingles Says:

    I didn’t realise gerbil shit was blighting the landscape to this degree, Dave.

    Does David Cameron know about this? I expect he’ll turn up on his bicycle to homes across Broken Britain and beat the little blighters to death with a spade once he finds out.

  59. Dave Says:

    NC – Oh. ffs.

    Erm…you could screw a mini fertilising barrel up the dog’s arsehole?

  60. ugeine Says:

    My invention never got featured on Dragon’s Den either. It’s a set of aspirational accessories for heroin users. Priced at about £99.99 for a starter set.

  61. charliemingles Says:

    isnt the dog bag thing designed to keep their hairs off the settee? I think I saw that in a Billy Connolly routine years ago.

    The great thing about Bees is that they groom themselves, you see. So you have none of this nonsense for a start.

  62. Napoleon Says:

    Oh, I see. So I assume the bags have holes for the paws, do they? So they can get about / eat rancid filth they find on their travels?

  63. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    You kicked that cat up the arse yet?

  64. Napoleon Says:

    Nah. That cat’s too bloody cunning for me. He sees me coming and gets himself settled under a car usually. The bugger’s taunting me from under that car, he is.

  65. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Breed giant rats and then train them to hunt it.

  66. charliemingles Says:

    Napoleon – No. I think the idea is that theyre in the bag whilst theyre sitting on the sofa watching telly. I dont think they have any foot holes –
    The poor poch is just trapped in there.

    I think its where paris hilton got the nifty dog-in-a-handbag idea. Though where she got the idea for sucking mens cocks on video and then uploading it to the world wide web for all to see, is anyone’s guess.

    Still. Phwoaaaar!!

  67. Napoleon Says:

    Dave’s sent me a picture of Bobby Davro now. The twerp.

  68. charliemingles Says:

    I can see why his seduction technique is failing then, Napoleon.

    Sending the objects of my desire pictures of shite 80’s impressionists never did the trick. Apart from that one girl who got off on my 8×10 signed photo of Sid Little naked.

    But then she was just fucking weird.

  69. extremelisteningmode Says:

    You want cynicism about music? You want scabrous abuse of shitey pop stars? Roll up, roll up! And remember, we started the Glasvegas backlash BEFORE they were even popular!

  70. Napoleon Says:

    If memory serves, it was Paris’s ex-boyfriend had that idea. Paris was just the dumb fuck who didn’t understand the consequences of allowing someone to film her sucking a cock. On my investigations around the seedy underbelly of the World Wide Web, I’ve noticed an alarming number of similar women who didn’t have the foresight to realise that their fly-by-night relationships might break up, and therefore the films they made featuring them being fucked up the arse by a man in a tracksuit might end up being uploaded to one of the many porn tube sites. Their mothers must be so proud of them.

  71. charliemingles Says:

    Indeed Napoleon.

    Personally, I find it fascinating to chart the rise and fall of low-grade porn actresses. None of these clips are ever dated, so you randomly see them at different stages in their career: sucking five giant cocks one minute and doing their first ‘audition’ the next, usually looking sweet and beautiful.

    The dramatic irony of knowing that only 18 months down the line they’ll be squirting some polish plumbers gravy out their arse for a wide-angle lens is often too much for me – and almost ruins my orgasm.

    I feel I may have said too much. thank God I’m off soon.

    ( Clarry usually turns up at this point)

  72. ugeine Says:

    Indeed she does, CM, indeed she does. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you two in the same room. Or, indeed, at all, ever.

  73. Napoleon Says:

    We actually know one, Mingles. She went to my other half’s school, and went from getting her tits out for glamour mags, to being banged up the backside by ten fellas for a cheapo British porn DVD company in the space of four years. She’s the same age as my missus (29), yet looks about a hundred years older. She’s also now unemployed. GREAT career choice that turned out to be.

  74. ugeine Says:

    A girl from my school is a kind of very low grade porn actress.

  75. charliemingles Says:

    thats right ugeine. I AM Clarry. ive been unmasked.

    *slips off lingerie, runs fingers through lovely curly blonde hair, gets into sterilised bubble and turns on internet*

  76. Napoleon Says:

    When I worked in the scudder shop, we had a girl turn up and stand around in the shop all day starkers. She said the girls are lucky if they get any more than £500 per film. I nearly fell off my chair when she told me that. You can earn more lap-dancing.

  77. Napoleon Says:

    Or in a fucking McDonlads, now I come to think about it. AND you get a free dinner! Imagine that! A FREE DINNER!

  78. Napoleon Says:


  79. ugeine Says:

    Did you own the sex shop NP, or just work there?

  80. charliemingles Says:

    I think, with the collosal rise in internet porn, if you asked around you’d probably find an increasing percentage of people know some girl who is daft enough to have done one. It’s both sad and tragic and a potent symbol of Broken Britain at the end of the noughties – that said, please feel free to send me her website address. Or her knickers, if you have any!

    I saw my mum in readers wifes once. I woudnt have minded but I was wanking at the time.

  81. JonR Says:

    just read the comment that said Bill Bailey doesn’t know enough about music and instantly scrolled down to the comment box to splutter indignantly


  82. ugeine Says:

    Good on you, JonR. He’s practically over endowed with musical talent.

  83. Clarry Says:

    Apparantly I usually turn up at this point.

  84. ugeine Says:

    Hi Mingles!

  85. charliemingles Says:

    Hello yourself.

    See? two entirely seperate people.

  86. Nick T Says:

    There’s a high grade porn actress?

    *fucks off home*

  87. ugeine Says:

    You are a cunning one, I’ll give you that.

    *retires to private detective office*

  88. Clarry Says:

    And can I just confirm, I have met Charlie Mingles on a few occassions and not only is he a fascinating and handsome man with the sexual prowess of a stallion knocking back sackloads of viagra – he is also, not in the least, not even a little bit …. BALD!

    I hope that clears up any confusion.

  89. Edna Welthorpe Says:

    Mingles, if you indeed DID see your Ma’s minge in a rudie mag whilst pleasuring yourself, it was probably a Desmond title. They used to have someone whose job it was to answer phone calls from disgruntled ladies who posed *akimbo* yonks ago, and who had to explain that they had no rights to complain if their fanny was recycled, as they’d signed them away…

  90. Napoleon Says:

    Not really, Clarry. Not seeing as he’s bald and looks like a really, really old owl.

  91. ugeine Says:

    Good on you Clarry. Its nice to respect your elders.


  92. Napoleon Says:

    Edna – Aaaah, Dirty Desmond. I used to work for his company, and a girl who used to appear in the Sport told me he once went up to her at a party and said,

    “So, Charlotte, what’s it going to be? No job, or blowjob?”

    What a charming man he is.

  93. Swineshead Says:

    I might have to set up a rule about using dodgy login names. Dave will be the first to suffer, and mingles might not do the above.

    Just call me Swineshead Killjoy-Silk.


  94. ugeine Says:


    It’s out today, can’t fupping wait.

  95. Clarry Says:

    I forgot to mention that he’s also quite young. And not at all BALD.

    Did I mention that he has the sexual prowess of a panther who’s just completed a charity-sponsored 6 month wank-fast and is about to crack open his kegs and celebrate?

    I believe he also keeps Bees.

  96. Swineshead Says:

    Mingles – don’t do that. It’s not only sinister, it’s also unfunny.


  97. Swineshead Says:

    I blame Dave.

  98. charliemingles Says:

    Sorry. Merely attempting to amuse myself. I wouldnt say it was sinister though, you big-girls blouse spoilsport.

    Have a good weekend though everyone.


  99. ugeine Says:

    It’s the internet equivalent of when you had a substitute teacher in school, they called the register and you and your friends said ‘yes’ to each others’ names then giggled for 25 minutes.

  100. hux Says:

    Why don’t the people who comment on these articles use Skype instead? It’s a lot more user friendly.

    Herring was weak on NMTB. Sad.

  101. Nick of the T Says:

    Some of us are at work and can’t do such Skype things.

  102. Mr H Says:

    That Herring fella was most shite. For a moment I thought he was Curtis Stigers out of the Eighties what with the floppy girls hair, but then spoke his two words for the night in a non-American accent, shooting the Stigers theory right out of the water.

    What they need are more fat Scotch blokes talking about New Wave of British Heavy Metal bands.

    It would make up for that tawdry little shitebag Amstell.

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