One Minute Review: Garnier Ultralift Pro X

by

Davina McCall: As we age, skin loses its plumpness and wrinkles appear deeper. It’s all about bounce.
Man’s voice and subtitle: New Garnier Ultralift Pro X
Subtitle: Proven Temporary effect
Man’s voice and subtitle: Enriched with patented Pro-Xylane – derived from Beechwood extract
Davina: For me it’s the best anti-wrinkle cream
Subtitle: Intense firming anti-wrinkle care
Davina: It plumps up the skin and wrinkles appear pushed up, like this…

[she squeezes stress ball and then relaxes it]

Subtitle:
Dramatisation
Davina: Plumper skin – wrinkles appear reduced!
Man’s voice and subtitle: New Garnier Ultralift Pro X
Davina and subtitle: Take care
Man’s voice and subtitle: (Garnier)

They say the best scripts read just as well as they perform. Shakespeare rolls off the page, iambic pentameters bouncing with vim and vigour. Tennessee Williams’ melodrama shrieks at you as you scan his directions. You can even smell the stale gin on Withnail’s overcoat as you flick through Bruce Robinson’s screenplay.

I’d say the same is true of this offering from Garnier. The subtle combination of Davina McCall’s trusted, earthy personality combined with the voiceover from an unseen, softly spoken male is compounded by the sub-script up onscreen – a clinical white font offering useful additional information on this apparently amazing product. I know, I know – the fact that the stress-ball wrinkle-relief is a dramatisation could be considered a bit of a swizz, but for heaven’s sake! This is Davina McCall!

If we can trust anyone, it is she.

It’s all about plumpness.

Take care.

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101 Responses to “One Minute Review: Garnier Ultralift Pro X”

  1. Jo Says:

    Almost as good as the mascara ads that have these women with really long lashes thanks to Max Factor’s new product….then a tiiiiiny little subtitle disclaimer saying that actually, they’re fake.

    Good. So I don’t need mascara, I need fake eye lashes. Crooks.

  2. indy Says:

    i prefer davina in zombie make up.

  3. Napoleon Says:

    A sarcastic battering-ram, Swineshead. Nothing wrong with that.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    I wrote that in a daze.
    MORNING.

  5. Swineshead Says:

    Jo – I noticed that too… you’ve got to keep your eyes on the disclaimers in these ads (otherwise you might think it’s a woman’s face Davina’s squeezing).

  6. Napoleon Says:

    Eventually, the disclaimers will just say ‘DOES NOT WORK’ in writing only a dog can hear (my old English teacher turns in his grave). I loved it when a few of ’em were culled last year when the ASA finally realised cosmetics firms had been lying to women for decades. My favourites were always those anti-wrinkle creams where the woman’s face was bathed in so much light, she looked like one of those aliens from ‘Cocoon’.

    MORNING!

  7. Swineshead Says:

    My favourites are the ones with Davina McCall – I like the ones where she’s in the middle of a phone mcCall to her mother and is telling her how WICKED her hair colouring cream is.

    What I want to know is… collar and cuffs?
    Or has she a wispy white forest down there?

  8. Napoleon Says:

    I’d say Davina’s trendy enough to rid herself of all bodily hair save the stuff sprouting from her head.

    Do they still say ‘trendy’?

  9. Swineshead Says:

    Depends on who you mean by ‘they’ I suppose.
    We can still say it, if you like?

  10. Nick T Says:

    Beechwood

  11. Napoleon Says:

    I bet the kids have got some trendy new word for ‘trendy’. The little bastards.

  12. Nick T Says:

    ?

  13. Swineshead Says:

    We should be able to source the latest slang from somewhere so we’re bang up to date with the yoots.

    I’ll have a google about.

    I know ‘bare’ means something other than ‘bare’. As in: ‘yeah, mate – it was bare freezing’.

    Or something. I’m going on what I hear on the bus.

  14. Nick T Says:

    I tried to introduce a new word at work last year. I failed.

    “Long” is the new “Bad” which was the new Good”

  15. Nick T Says:

    I am surrounded by youths. I will attempt to communicate with them.

    *makes gang signs with hands*

    *offends deaf students*

  16. Napoleon Says:

    Doesn’t ‘book’ mean something? And they all have stupid haircuts.

  17. Swineshead Says:

    Nick – if you really are surrounded by smaller people, seriously try to get some slang off them.

  18. Swineshead Says:

    I think ‘booka’ is the sound of a gun. We made do with ‘bang’ in my day.

    And they don’t know they’re born.

  19. ugeine Says:

    Bare means you have a lot of something. IE: ‘I got bare zutes man!’ Baaaaare Zutes!’ As my dickhead flatmate always informs me. Trendy still means trendy. Safe means somebody is, well, safe.

  20. ugeine Says:

    and ‘braaaap or brap or bleugh’ is probably what you mean SH.

  21. Napoleon Says:

    I should pay more attention on the bus to what they’re saying. It’s hard, as I’m usually too busy being enraged by their mobile phones playing ghastly tripe I don’t like.

    They need a stint in the fucking army!

  22. ugeine Says:

    urbandictionary.com is what my little brother uses to keep up.

    Good review, by the way. Can’t stand those adverts.

  23. ugeine Says:

    mandem: friends. IE ‘there’s bare mandem up in there’ ‘there’s a lot of our friends at that place.’ Pussyole: Kind of self explanatory.

  24. Napoleon Says:

    What’s this damnfool radio station you’ve invited me to join, Swineshead? It comes to a pretty pass when your friends start spamming you. What next? Piqued sending me adverts for Viagra?

  25. Napoleon Says:

    ‘Pussyole’? What a delightful phrase, Ugeine. I must share that one with my mother the next time we get together over the cucumber sandwiches.

  26. extremelisteningmode Says:

    I was in the good old USA a few weeks back and there was a wonderful ad on for penis-lengthening pills.

    The slogan was ‘we have sold a million of these pills – could we do that if they didn’t work?’ and of course, they aren’t actually lying, just asking a question to which the answer is clearly ‘yes, because you appeal to simpletons who have no lives but do have credit cards’.

    Brilliantly, the small print which came up at the end said ‘results may vary. these pills have not been proven to extend penis length.’

    genius.

  27. ugeine Says:

    The youth of today are very much the post feminists, Napoleon. That’s why a slang word for girls is ‘gash’.

  28. Napoleon Says:

    We used to flog penis enlargening creams and other such potions in the scud shop. If asked by the customer we weren’t allowed to say they worked, as they clearly didn’t. Only ever sold them to Asian fellas for some reason.

  29. Napoleon Says:

    ‘Gash’? Christ almighty. And the girls don’t mind this, no? Funny old world …

  30. Swineshead Says:

    Sorry for the spam – I got overexcited with blip.fm – I like it. Though I don’t understand it.

    Ugeine – how would I say…

    ‘there’s a ruddy good party planned for the weekend – there will be lots of attractive single girls there, and I propose that I may indulge in sexual intercourse with at least one of them’

    …in youth speak?

    (They all want caning)

  31. ugeine Says:

    I think the phrase is more if you’re talking about a non specific group of girls you want to get on, Napoleon. I doubt they would say it to their faces. Most of my knowledge of slang is based on the t-dropping middle class teenage twats in my town.

  32. ugeine Says:

    SH: Big up gwaning meh mans gaff! Bare gash, get me? Gonna get on dat! *mimics doggy style / arse slapping*

  33. Swineshead Says:

    You could be slapping anyone’s arse with that mime, Ugeine. It’s so non-specific, for all I know you’re being enthusiastic about the presence of Su Pollard, Nerys Hughes and Pam Ayres at this shindig. I hate these vague children.

    They want working on.

  34. Napoleon Says:

    Oh right. So it’s best not to start calling my missus ‘gash’ so I can appear young and trendy? Thanks for that, Ugeine … today could have turned to shit very quickly without that clarification.

  35. ugeine Says:

    NP: It might get you kudos with any 16 year old girls around your way though.

  36. Ms. Tilly Anne Fortescue-Smythe Says:

    GOOD MORNING EVERYONE. SORRY ABOUT THE CAPS, IT’S SORT OF A LONG STORY.

    OR MAYBE YOU’VE ALL GONE DEAF. OR I HAVE. OR SOMETHING – ANYWAY.

    COSMETICS ADVERTS CRACK ME UP; MY FAVOURITE DEVICE THEY EMPLOY IS THE PERCENTAGE; “85% OF WOMEN AGREE THAT PRODUCT X IMPROVED THEIR BUBONIC PLAGUE SCARS,” AND THEN IN SMALL PRINT IT SAYS “TOTAL OF TEN WOMEN TESTED.”

    WHOO! WAY TO REALLY SPREAD YOUR “CLINICAL RESULTS” ACROSS A BROAD TESTING SPECTRUM!

    THEY’RE **LIARS** I TELL YOU.

  37. Lord Milky Says:

    If something is gash though, it is generally bad. It’s all about the context.

    My favourite is “da endz” – your street/your area.

    As in: “Me and me mandems were down da endz, d’ya get me, and we shanked some pussy’ole.” I hear that a lot on the tram.

  38. Ms. Tilly Anne Fortescue-Smythe Says:

    SHANKED MEANS STABBING, DUNNIT?

    OR IS THAT SHIVVED?

    GEH.

  39. Swineshead Says:

    It’s as I suspected, Milky – they’re all insane. The closest I came to slang as a youngster was saying ‘watcha’ instead of ‘hello’ and calling sweets ‘goffs’.

    And stinky people ‘stegs’.

    And spit ‘goz’.

  40. Swineshead Says:

    Can you shiv someone while shanking them? Or is that illegal?

    *is confused*

  41. Napoleon Says:

    I used to go for a ‘waz’ when I was a boy. And everything good was greeted with a load roar of ‘SKILL!’, p’raps with a double thumbs-up for extra emphasis. Such innocent times compared to all this shivving and gashing and shit.

  42. Lord Milky Says:

    Is shiv not more prison slang, with a shiv being an improvised weapon? I think that’s the case, but I’m not sure about that.

    They are mentalists though. And it doesn’t seem to change much over regions, unlike most slang words do. Your slang’s a bit odd though SH. ‘Goffs’ and ‘Stegs’?

  43. ugeine Says:

    Shanking does mean stabbing, it’s a prison term for a piece of wood or shard of glass made into a blade. There was a bit of confusion that ‘shanking’ means ‘shagging’, but it doesn’t.

  44. extremelisteningmode Says:

    I believe a shiv is prison term for a makeshift weapon usually used to stab some poor bastard.

    Whereas Shiva is something Jewish. I think.

  45. ugeine Says:

    Kids used to shout ‘skill!’ when I was still at school, NP. And ‘gutted!’ It sounds like something you’d find in The Beano compared to today.

  46. Badger Madge Says:

    Book is one. It’s “good” in predictive text…

  47. Napoleon Says:

    A friend of mine hails from Scunthorpe and calls sweets ‘spice’, and back alleys ‘snecks’. The first time I encountered these was in the sentence,

    “If you’re going up the sneck to the shop, bring us back some spice, yeah?”

    I ignored the ‘sneck’ bit, and brought him back some of that Schwartz spice powder. He looked at it and said,

    “What’s this? I wanted a Marathon …”

    THEN WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY THAT, YOU IGNORANT FUCKING BUMPKIN?

  48. Napoleon Says:

    Badger – I said ‘book’, but they all ignored me because they’re all turds.

  49. Swineshead Says:

    Get lost, Milky – y’steg.

    Lincolnshire slang, is that.

    ‘Skill’ was a ubiquitous term, eh Napoleon? Everything was ‘skill’ or ‘ace’ and, latterly, ‘mega’.

    *wazzes all over book*

  50. Lord Milky Says:

    Merked or Merk’d (from the verb To Merk), is another great one.

    I’m translating it roughly as ‘to fuck another over’ – You got merk’d/I merk’d you.

    First brought into the mainstream by Rio Ferdinand in his seminal ‘World Cup Wind Ups’ programme, I do sometimes find myself using it, I’m sorry to say.

  51. Lord Milky Says:

    SH – This is it, I’m quite interested in regional slang, but it seems as if this new stuff is mostly the same all over – I have nothing to prove this with of course.

  52. ugeine Says:

    Aaah, I like blad (As in blood) meaning ‘friend’. As I always say to my flatmate, who calls people blad all the time, try saying that in the CPT. You will probably get merked.

  53. Napoleon Says:

    I missed out on ‘mega’ as I was too busy snuffling around for gash by that age. I left ‘mega’ to you young ‘uns.

    Remember ‘greenies’? There was usually one kid who stood head and shoulders above all others when it came to hockling up one of those. My own area of expertise was releasing and then sucking back up a giant, gelatinous rope of spittle I could get almost to my shoes before reeling it back in. A drink of milk was best for this practice, I used to find.

  54. Ms. Tilly Anne Fortescue-Smythe Says:

    THIS IS ALL TOO MUCH. YOU’VE ALL TAKEN LEAVE OF YOUR SENSES.

  55. ugeine Says:

    Dave?

  56. Napoleon Says:

    I remember ‘stegs’. They were the ‘grebby’ kids who smelt all bad and lived in filthy houses you dreaded being invited to. In my experience, they were almost always called ‘Barry’.

  57. Napoleon Says:

    It turns out ‘stegs’ didn’t even travel as far as Lincoln, Swineshead. My missus has just informed me that they called the smelly kids ‘skeffs’ up there. P’raps we should start plotting a smelly kid nickname map of Britain? How far did YOUR term for a smelly kid travel?

  58. Swineshead Says:

    Stegs were often good people to know (but secretly) as their Dads usually had huge amounts of porn stashed in their attic or shed.

    You would befriend a steg and then ‘borrow’ his Dad’s copies of Fiesta, utilise them then sell them to someone in your year. The steg would forgive you for this, generally.

    Then, later on when you’re of ‘gash-hunting’ age, the steg-friendship will prove invaluable as they tend to grow into six foot monsters with full beards and heavy metal fixations post puberty. Good stock to be familiar with should any townies start hatin’ on yo azz when you’re supping at the Waggon and Horses.

  59. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Skeffs’ eh? That’s a good ‘un.

  60. Swineshead Says:

    The above is pretty much the story of my adolescence.

  61. Napoleon Says:

    You’re right about that. Our steg was called Barry, and he grew into a hairy, violent beast capable of snapping a man in half with his bare hands. He used to steal fireworks for us, and ended up robbing a garage and making his getaway in a canoe persued by none other than PC Matt Morrissey. I believe he’s in prison now, bless him.

  62. Swineshead Says:

    Good old Baz.

    We had Tilley – a sensitive lad who I quite liked but whose friendship was a mark of shame because he’d pissed himself in class, three times. Always good for a wad of Razzles.

    We had a good many more – my year must’ve been a good one for stegs.

  63. Lord Milky Says:

    Did you all find they all lived in one part of town? We had one road, and every kid from there was a bit ropey.

  64. Napoleon Says:

    I’d have given my left ball for a wad of Razzles.

    Was there a nickname for those bastard kids who, when you offered ’em a crisp, did their damndest to remove the entire contents of the bag in one fell swoop? I hated them sort o’ kids, the greedy shits.

  65. ugeine Says:

    NP: They were scab. I went bowling with our gonk, Duncan Cumming, and some other friends a few years ago. He has his own bowling glove, bowling ball and bowling nappy. He was a bit like Steve Buscemi in the big lebowski.

  66. Nick T Says:

    OK chaps, so far I have

    SWAG = bad or good colour coordination as regards clothing.
    BARE = Many eg “that fellow has bare money”
    SNAKE = to snitch or grass.
    BALLIN = loads of money
    BUTTTERS = ugly. I think from “butt ugly”
    SKEEN = ok
    WASGOOD = How are you?
    DEAD/DREAD = boring
    Alie = agree. Replaces “innit?”
    EMOTIONAL = Many meanings. “The weather is emotional”

    These are from black students from the south Londin.

    I may have got bumped off here by now depending on the language but will conmtinue my research.
    Them kids love it.

  67. Swineshead Says:

    This is quite educational, in a backwards sort of way…

    By the way – I was the sort of scab who’d nick all your crisps (and your Dad’s grot mags)

  68. Napoleon Says:

    ‘Scabs’? I don’t think we called ’em that. Maybe we just called ’em ‘bastards’? Because that’s what they were. You learnt very quickly to grasp the crisp bag in a certain fashion when offering them around. Eyes darting around like a dog, untrusting of your fellow pupils, knowing there’s a scab out there readying himself to steal as many of your Discos as he could. The bastard.

  69. Napoleon Says:

    You were a scab, eh? Doesn’t surprise me. I note you never tried that on with me …

    … mind you, did I ever offer you a crisp?

  70. Lord Milky Says:

    Talking of grot mags, a friend and I had an empire going where we sold cuttings of magazines we found to our best customers and for the ordinary mug we sold the adverts in the back. 20p per advert.

  71. Swineshead Says:

    You? Offer me a crisp?

    Ho ho ho!

    That’s a good ‘un.

  72. Napoleon Says:

    I’ll bet you were a tab-beggar as well. If you smoked at school, there was always one bugger who would say, ‘Save us a tab on that’. In my case, it was my best friend who I felt duty-bound to help out. I don’t think I ever finished an entire fag in my whole school career thanks to him.

  73. Swineshead Says:

    I only smoked at home when I was school-age.
    When I sailed off to college at sixteen, full time smoking kicked in and everyone at college (they’re all poor and thick, remember) begged for ‘twos’ on your lambert and butler. Made me take uop the roll up. Nobody wants to bumsuck an unfiltered rollie.

  74. Napoleon Says:

    Milky – Good business you had going there. My mate used to rent out a hardcore Spanish porn mag on a nightly basis, and then use threats of physical violence if it wasn’t returned. He made quite a good living out of that.

    Swineshead – I didn’t? That surprises me. I was usually quite generous (if a little suspicious) when it came to offering around crisps. Anyway, I’m glad I didn’t as you’d have tried stealing them all. Then I would have had to wallop you.

  75. Swineshead Says:

    Milky – an excellent scheme. I shifted them a mag at a time – a tactic I learned from Nappers, as it happens. A quid for a Club International he charged me – that was the only show of generosity I’ve ever seen from that bastard.

  76. Nick T Says:

    ON POINT = Looks good regarding obosite sex.
    NEEK = Geek or nerd
    KILLER = No.eg “Can I borrow your phone?” “Killer”

  77. Swineshead Says:

    Yes, you did wallop me a fair bit – but I remember the time I hid your fags and managed to feign ignorance for three hours. I was calm on the outside, laughing hysterically within.

  78. Napoleon Says:

    There were always willing customers; ‘specially amongst the younger kids. I wonder how many eleven and twelve year old’s minds I sullied by flogging ’em a spunk-spattered copy of Fiesta at a disgraceful price? Probably loads, looking back …

  79. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t remember you hiding my fags. Did I discover it was you? And were you suitably walloped as a result of the discovery? I hope so.

    On the subject of jazzery, Swineshead’s eldest brother and I once plucked up enough courage to rent a dirty film from the Spar. It was called ‘Famous Tits & Arses’, and it consisted of three overweight women sat on a sofa fondling each others’ knockers for half an hour. To this day it’s the least erotically stimulating pornographic movie I’ve ever seen.

  80. Swineshead Says:

    I was walloped, but it was a good three hours.

    Were they famous?

  81. Napoleon Says:

    Glad to hear it. You were just the sort of oik wot needed a good walloping from time to time.

    They weren’t famous, no. The title of the film was rather deceptive. It should have been called, ‘Three Unattractive, Overweight Women Take off Their Tops & Fondle Each Others’ Tits In A Not Particularly Convincing Fashion & Arses’. And then maybe a disclaimer on the box pointing out there are no arses on show for the duration of the film.

  82. Lord Milky Says:

    You should have sold it on at school rather than giving it back to Spar.

  83. Napoleon Says:

    By the way, I’m bringing in the seige guns today. Never mind any of this rocket and goat’s cheese on spatula bread business – I’m currently ploughing through two bacon, sausage, mushroom and fried egg rolls, TWO bags of Royster’s T-Bone Steak flavour crisps and a mug of tea so enormous you can see the bastard from space.

    *awaits award*

  84. Do I not like that! Says:

    Whoa dudes, whappen…..L’oreal….thats wack …..yeall……….saywah…res.

  85. Napoleon Says:

    Milky – If I’d have done that, I would have been starved of most forms of VHS entertainment. The Spar was the only shop in our area where you could hire out videos. If I’d sold ‘Famous Tits & Arses’ to an unsupecting first-former, my only VHS option would have been the bazillion unpleasant horror movies Swineshead and his brothers owned.

    ‘Freddie Tears Off Heads IV’ was alright in itself, but sometimes you just wanted to settle down to a nice bit of ‘Ghostbusters II’.

  86. Napoleon Says:

    Obviously, to any kids reading that last comment, it must appear I lived in the Middle Ages.

  87. Nick T Says:

    I have been learning about the ongoing feud between Gianans and Nigerians……..This has been going on for years

  88. Napoleon Says:

    Gianans? Are they these lizard people I’ve been reading about on backstreet internet sites?

  89. Nick T Says:

    Yes, yes they are.

    (butters)

  90. Swineshead Says:

    There’s also a culture clash between those with African ethnicity and those with West Indian roots… I seen it. I seen fighting.

  91. Nick T Says:

    Ghianans?

  92. Napoleon Says:

    Apparently, the Asian yoof and the black yoof communities rub one another up the wrong way in a lot of areas. Really, they should just hold hands, smile on their brothers, everybody get together, try to love one another and do it RIGHT NOW, y’dig?

    *stokes up a doobie*

    Man! That’s groooooovy ..

  93. Swineshead Says:

    If only ebony and ivory could live together in perfect harmony.

    Hey, don’t bogart that joint, my friend – pass it over to me…

    Wow… is that tobacco or… Pink Floyd?

  94. Nick T Says:

    If only life was like The Double Deckers…..

  95. Napoleon Says:

    If only life was like The Double Deckers? What? Coming to a shuddering halt after thirteen episodes? I’m not sure about that, Nick! If we translate those episodes into years, that would mean the majority of us wouldn’t get s’much as a sniff of gash. It’d only be that weird kid who grew hair on his balls when he was three and had a wife and kids by ten that would get his fair share of oats. Fuck that!

    *passes on doobie to Swineshead*

  96. Who Says:

    I thought dread meant good? As in ‘those tunes are well dread, bro’.

  97. Swineshead Says:

    *takes doobie off Nappers*

    *vomits on lap*

    *goes home*

  98. Napoleon Says:

    Who – It is of a goodly length, with a fiercesome girth that’s caused many a lady to have occasion to fall into a swoon.

    I’m sorry … I seem to have gone off on a tangent. ‘Dread’, was it? I imagine that means, like, lovely. Yes?

  99. indy Says:

    about the west africans. i had a colleague from uganda and a boss from nigeria when i worked at the evil coffee empire. they did not get along very well on grounds that if one of them would have been of, let’s say european decent, would be easily recognised as racism. according to my ugandan colleague, who seemed more trustworthy, everyone in west africa hates the nigerians. my source informed me that the nigerians are warrior people and that they used to sell their neighbours to european and arabic slavers. end of lesson.

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