NewsGush: Ramsay’s Cookalong Dead


Poor old Gordon Ramsay’s PR people. And a twinge of sympathy, if you will, for old scrotum-face.

First his indiscretions are made public by the gutter press and then his ratings come in quite some way below expectations. It’s not often that Gordon gets two doses of bad publicity in a week, and it feels like the world’s started turning in another direction all of a sudden.

Are people sick of his barking, bullying, self-righteous schtick? Have his vainglorious, tedious televisual displays of self-love finally rubbed his public up the wrong way?

Have the people, after all this time, finally realised he’s a complete and utter arsehole?

Not sure if you’ve seen Cookalong Live, but it’s a fine example of a presenter being prised into a format they really, really can’t handle. For a reference point, think Davina on her eponymous chatshow as she made millions change channels, as they realised there was less to her than they’d originally thought.

Ramsay is forced to be nice to people whilst working within a very limited timeframe and he can’t handle it. I watched the first episodes and found myself feigning a posh, Glasgow-inflected accent, shouting ‘Ey! Big boys! Where’re your balls?!’ as he fluffed link after link and hopped up and down on the spot in pure panic so much that my household now bursts out laughing every time we see him. ‘Hippity Hop’ we call him. Cookalong is a hop off more than it’s a cooking show.

From 11.3% of the viewership to 6.3% is quite a shocking drop over the course of three weeks, but if  you’re hoping we’ve seen the back of him, you’ll be disappointed as he, Oliver and Fearnley-Whittingstall return to our screens again sooner than you may have expected with another series of patronising lectures and book advertisements in the coming months.

Hooray! Yes?



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96 Responses to “NewsGush: Ramsay’s Cookalong Dead”

  1. Napoleon Says:

    He’ll no doubt be rescued by another series of Kitchen Nightmares. Still won’t stop him being a TWAT, mind. I can never make up my mind who I loath more – that cunt Alan Sugar, or this ball-bag faced shitbag.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    If you don’t like Alan Sugar then The Last Millionaire is like a reverse Apprentice with no Sugar. Worth a watch.

    I don’t mind old Alan, to be honest. At least he injects a bit of reality into the idiots’ over-ambitious minds.

  3. Swineshead Says:

    And good work on capitalising TWAT, because he is definitely a TWAT in upper case.

  4. Napoleon Says:

    I saw the adverts for that, and decided against it as everyone on it looked awful.

    Speaking of awful, did you catch any of those Dragon’s Den individual biographies? It’s nice to see that they’re all bastards in real life too. I’d say their bastardry goes in this order:

    1. Peter Jones
    2. Deborah Meadon
    3. Theo Paphitis
    4. James Caan
    5. Duncan Bannatyne


  5. Swineshead Says:

    I didn’t watch them. I should’ve, as I’m too lazy to read their autobiog/self help airport books.

    Can you give me a brief example for each of why they’re a bastard?
    I’d agree with the order of your list from how they behave on the show anyway.

  6. Napoleon Says:

    Jones spent quite a while barking at the audience that he deserved his incredible lifestyle because he’d worked bloody hard for it (as if hard work was all you needed to become stupifyingly rich – not the gap in the market he spotted in the early 90s, i.e LUCK), and had based his personality on the fact he wears stupid socks; Meadon I didn’t see, but assume she’s near the top of the bastard list on the evidence of her den performance; Paphitis is as vulgar as you expect, living in a gaudy bauble and boasting about his swimming pool and working class roots (yawn); Caan is building an enormous yacht, has a pad in Cannes, and likes to pretend he’s like you and me because he wears awful clothes outside the den; Bannatyne seemed alright (he appears to live in a cul-de-sac and is determined to leave his six kids NOTHING), but is still a bastard because he owns a stunning villa in the South of France.


  7. Badger Madge Says:


  8. Do I not like that! Says:

    “From 11 million to 1.5m”……………. ???????????????????????????????

    It started with 2.51m.

  9. Swineshead Says:

    Nice. Bannatyne is definitely the best bastard out of the lot.

    No billboard has ever made me more nauseous than Peter Jones’ Gremlins ad for BT. Three things that should never collide in one advertisement.

    What could Meadon sell? Incontinence pads?

    Caan could sell nasal hair trimmers.

  10. Swineshead Says:

    Mikey – are you on drugs?
    And what’s with the multiple ???s


  11. Swineshead Says:

    BM – what’s with the single word response?
    What is WRONG with people today?

    Where’re your balls?!

  12. Napoleon Says:

    I always think Bannatyne’s got a watery drip of snot dangling from the end of his nose. To the best of my knowledge, he hasn’t; yet I always think he has. And he owns the same face as original Dragon Rachael Elnor.

  13. Badger Madge Says:

    *slaps back of hand against other palm* yes? alright big boy?


  14. Do I not like that! Says:

    I was going to ask the same question…the original audience figure was 2.51m according to digital spy. You put 11 million. I can’t believe 11 million people would watch this TWAT instead of being down the pub talking about football, or if at home watching HIGNFY.

  15. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – I believe Badger was answering your post’s final ‘Yes?’ AND FOR THAT YOU BERATE HER!

  16. Do I not like that! Says:

    I was going to ask the same question…the original audience figure was 2.51m according to digital spy. You put 11 million. I can’t believe 11 million people would watch this TWAT instead of being down the pub talking about football, or if at home watching HIGNFY.

  17. Swineshead Says:

    Mikey – don’t tell anyone but I edited my stupid error, thus making you look… *ahem*…. slightly foolish.


    Badger… sorry for berating her. I agree with your ‘no’.

  18. Napoleon Says:

    I must say I’m a bit dubious about this 11 million figure. I don’t think Channel 4’s ever had an 11 million audience for anything, has it?

  19. Swineshead Says:

    I don’t know where you two got this 11 million figure from. Are you on early-morning drugs?

  20. Napoleon Says:

    Oooh, y’bugger.

  21. Swineshead Says:

    I love being Stalin.

    *dons false moustache*

  22. Napoleon Says:

    You’re worse than Stalin with your rewriting of history.

    I’ve been looking at Channel 4’s new schedule, and it doesn’t look especially promising. That comedy where the two agents ‘fail to fall in love’ sounds rubbish. The 1066 documentary is probably presented by Tony Robinson, and will therefore be unwatchable. I quite like the sound of that Red Riding thing – mainly because it’s set in Yorkshire and, being a Yorkshireman, I’m conditioned from birth to never get enough of that particular county. The cooking stuff sounds shit, obviously.

  23. Badger Madge Says:

    Thanks Nap. Nice to know someone’s paying attention…

  24. Napoleon Says:

    You’re welcome, Badger. Swineshead’s too busy purging the Steppes to notice when his readers are replying to him. The bastard.

  25. Badger Madge Says:

    tbf to him, i should have jumped in straight away with my answer and not waited until after all the dragon gubbins…

  26. Napoleon Says:

    Did you see any of the Dragon gubbins, Badger? I thought all of ’em came off badly save for Bannatyne.

  27. Swineshead Says:

    I just want The Apprentice to start all over again. Where are our Sara Dadhas? Our Raefs and our Alexs?

    When oh when will it return?

  28. Napoleon Says:

    Next year, as per usual.

  29. Swineshead Says:

    Christ – not till March. I think that’s a fucking disgrace.

    When’s Comic Relief on?


  30. Napoleon Says:

    Jonathan Ross was supposed to be in the Comic Relief version of The Apprentice. I don’t know if he still will be now.

  31. Swineshead Says:

    Comic Relief is also on in March.

    By the way – why have we no longer got a readership here?
    Are we going to have to start rebuilding relations with our readers?

  32. Napoleon Says:

    Maybe they’re all under pain of disciplinary action if they carry on wasting their days commenting on WWM? All good things, etc.

    P’raps I’ll suffer the same Internet Credit Crunch tomorrow when my fantastic* new murder mystery game starts?

    *not fantastic

  33. indy Says:

    i’m looking forward to “big fat quiz of the year”. i hope that they’ll split up “the goth detectives” and make brand and ross a team this year.

  34. Badger Madge Says:

    i saw the caan one. dull. don’t care.

  35. Swineshead Says:

    Brand is the only funny thing about that Quiz of the Year thing.

  36. Napoleon Says:

    And he’s not in the slightest bit funny either. Therefore, the Big Fat Quiz of the Year is total shit.

  37. Swineshead Says:

    You are wrong.

    Everything about you is wrong.

  38. Napoleon Says:

    You are wrong. Brand is shite. I have never deviated from this opinion, and won’t be starting now.

  39. Swineshead Says:

    Fair enough.

    Dare I say that I miss Mingles and Dave. And Varmint. And Kremble and Clarry and Wenchy and everyone?

  40. Napoleon Says:

    You miss Dave? Jesus. This is getting desperate. Where is everyone?

  41. Swineshead Says:

    No clue. They must HATE us now.

  42. Napoleon Says:

    It’s very str …

    *deserts sinking ship*

    Byeeeeeeeeeeeeee ….

  43. Swineshead Says:


  44. piqued Says:


    Over here!


    I’ve got some coconut ice and toffee brittle

    *prolapses but doesn’t notice*

    Come and get it boys! Ginger beer anyone?

    *has stroke*

    gingers beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer

  45. Napoleon Says:

    If this gets any worse, we’re going to have to explore the only avenue left for the desperate has-been:


  46. piqued Says:

    Cool, I’ll go first

    (_ _)
    I I
    I I
    I I

    (that’s actual size)

  47. piqued Says:

    That didn’t work

  48. indy Says:

    yeah. where is everyone? don’t say they’ve all gone to “watch with fathers”…

  49. piqued Says:

    *ba dum dum tish*

  50. Swineshead Says:

    Watch With Fathers is a disgusting website run by non-contributer to WWM, Piqued.

  51. piqued Says:

    u barstid

  52. indy Says:

    watch with fathers reports on tv related subjects in a “fair and balanced” way

  53. Swineshead Says:

    Right – so you’re defecting to WWF too are you, Indy?

    The British Bulldog is my favourite RIP

  54. Napoleon Says:

    *has a look at Watch Wth Fathers*

    Hey! That’s not bad!

  55. PTH Says:

    What pisses me off about Ramsey is his one word sentences and the trendy shaky camera work.

    “Pig. Frying pan. Oil. Shake. FUCK. Shit. Kill vegetarians. Eat.”

  56. PTH Says:

    Well, sometimes one word sentences.

  57. Swineshead Says:

    I can’t work out why people take potshots at vegetarians. There aren’t that many smug ones left. They generally keep their preferences to themselves, in my experience.

  58. Napoleon Says:

    I think it’s because vegetarianism’s a load of twaddle, Swineshead. Half of ’em eat meat, and the other half don’t realise what has to die / get torn down to supply them with crops ‘n’ soya.

  59. PTH Says:

    It’s the choice to not eat poor quality steriod filled meat from unknown sources.

    Is WWF something to do with this?

  60. indy Says:

    watch with fathers reports on tv related subjects in a “fair and balanced” way – so i stay with watch with mothers.

  61. Napoleon Says:

    “It’s the choice to not eat poor quality steriod filled meat from unknown sources.”

    There you go. That’s the sort of thing that gets up a meat-eater’s nose right there. Cheers for that, PTH.

  62. PTH Says:

    I liked Kurt Angle but then he went bad.

  63. piqued Says:

    Who is kurt angle, is he the shape of anger?

  64. ugeine Says:

    The rock was my hero.

  65. Napoleon Says:

    The Rock? He was rubbish. Stone Cold Steve Austin was the best.

  66. indy Says:

    personally i can’t vegetarians. they cause problems when i invite people to dine with me. there’s always some one who turns up and say “hey, can i bring my girlfriend” – i go “of course” – “all right. she’s a vegetarian”. – i go “f*ck you and your girlfriend!!!”

  67. indy Says:

    personally i can’t STAND vegetarians.

  68. Swineshead Says:

    Why can’t you dine on vegetables?

  69. Napoleon Says:

    Indy – It’s always bloody women, isn’t it? I’ve had this problem myself – some bugger’s missus turns up and has a moral problem with roast beef. Throws everytjing into confusion. “Get it dahn ye,” says I. Meat puts hairs on your chest.

    Erm … that might be the reason a lot of the ladies don’t eat it, thinking about it.

  70. Napoleon Says:

    “Why can’t you dine on vegetables?”


  71. Napoleon Says:

    And how many of the buggers have you met that say they don’t eat meat, but they do eat fish? So fish are plants, are they? The fucking hypocrites.

  72. indy Says:

    sh: i’m a meat and potatoes kind of guy. and a salad is not a meal. i can go with, lets say, a vegetarian ciabatta for lunch – but just as long as it is not served as a “vegetarian” if you know what i mean.

  73. ugeine Says:

    Stone Cold? That slap headed alcoholic whose wrestling style involved punching, kicking, punching some more and drinking? He was better then Mr. Charisma? The Great one?

    *inhales through nostrils*

  74. Napoleon Says:

    What used to annoy me when I went out with a veggie was that none of the vegetarian restaurant offered a carnivore option. All meat-based restaurants pander to their sort, so shouldn’t vegetarian restaurants have the decency to do the same? I’m looking at YOU, Bann’s of Edinburgh.

  75. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – Yes, that’s the fella.

  76. Swineshead Says:

    Ugeine wanted to whack off the Bush Whackas

    A carnivore option would be pure meat. Do you mean omnivore?


  77. Napoleon Says:

    I’m easy, Swineshead. I’d be delighted to eat nothing but meat surrounded by horrified vegetarian types. 25 ounces of bleeding rare steak washed down with some lamb chops would do. Maybe throw in a spare rib or two?

  78. Swineshead Says:

    You’d never shit again.

    What is better – broccoli or sprouts?

  79. Napoleon Says:

    Sprouts. Can’t abide broccoli.

  80. indy Says:

    napoleon – i recommend the dish “boeuf”: roll 300 g of minced meat into a ball and then roll it til covered in black pepper. fry it (watch out – good ventilation required! your eyes will tear of the heat-black pepper combo). after you’ve fried your bouef, pour cream in the frying pan and use it as sauce. serve with potatoes.

  81. extremelisteningmode Says:

    I may be a bit late on this, but James Caan creeps me out. He looks like he’s the type of person who would look to touch your bum in a crowded bar.

    What was funny about those shows was that, clearly, the Beeb producer decided that he wasn’t going to instruct them not to be a tawt; therefore, only their own level of self-awareness could save them.

    Predictably, this led Peter jones to go off the charts in self-aggrandising bullshit (which, conversely, also came across as terrified, desperate bravado); ‘As soon as I saw Hamfatter I wanted them; who wouldn’t be interested in them?’ Erm, the record industry and teh public, Peter. He then went into a lengthy segment about being tall and wearing stripey socks. I suspect that this is entirely how he defines himself.

    Meadon was terrifying, and is more in need of being bent over and properly satisfied by a stable-boy than any woman since Victoria was on the throne. She is just a seething cauldron of repressed sexuality. You can imagine her pissed and trying to seduce passing salesman whilst ‘seductively’ rubbing a whisky tumbler. Seems to think she’s the only person in Britain with a vagina to have ever achieved success.

    Theo? If the Sharon from Birds of a Feather’s husband had got away with that armed robbery, he’d live in the house Theo does. Like Jones, clearly under teh illusion he’s reached national treausre status. it was only an appearnce on Top Gear promoting a fellow BBC2 show for fucks sake, man.

    Bannatyne twigged he could easily look like an arsehole so played down his arsehole status. Obviously craves fame the way Madonna allegedly craves Latino cock, but still.

  82. extremelisteningmode Says:

    And apologies on the typing, I can never be bothered proof reading.

  83. Swineshead Says:

    I can never be bothered proofreading either, ELM – which is a pity as that’s my day job.

  84. extremelisteningmode Says:

    When at Uni, I once worked in a Video Shop – it was a while ago – and it put me off watching movies. Even to this day, i’ll rarely do it. Anything you are paid to do becomes a chore; look at the bendy, non-fully tumescent man poles you see in art films on tinternet. Game hot ladies ready to open their back doors for you and you can’t even be bothered getting fully erect. Why? Cos its your job. Always.

    Well, that’s my theory and I’m sticking to it.

  85. Five-Centres Says:

    Interestingly, in the flesh he’s a really really nice person. Very courteous, very gentelmanly. That’s probably why he’s in all this trouble now.

    Anyhow, on the telly, he’s an arse of the first order. And he really should something about his lined face. Most off-putting.

  86. Joanne Says:

    For some reason even I can’t fathom I have a huge crush on Gordon Ramsey. There’s something about arrogant angry men….. As evidenced by my other big crush being Roy Keane.

    These are not normal people for a 22 year old girl to be attracted to!!!

  87. piqued Says:

    Perfectly normal Joanne.

  88. Dave Says:

    Ainsley Harriot’s underused by primetime telly. He had a show about cooking crap you can find in petrol stations and it was well ace.

  89. Swineshead Says:

    Ainsley’s Cooking With Petrol is a classic of the genre.

  90. Kremble Says:

    *slinks out from under rock*

    Hello chaps,

    well well well – I come back in from a hard days NHS grafting with no internet access to find, um, the same as yesterday really. My comments are about 2 years too late and everyone has packed up and fucked off again.

    And its getting very quiet in here these days, isn’t it?

    Isn’t it?

    ISN’T IT?

    *cut to several minutes later as sound of desperate shouting bounces off the walls a million times and echoes into eternity*

    Ho, and indeed, hum.

    Oh, and a few thoughts on todays discussion:
    Ramsey is a twunt.

    Dragons Den is all about perpetuating the feudal system. We poor people should be grateful when our rich overloads deign to proffer some of their money and *gasps* advice in return for a controlling interest which fleeces the poor sod doing all the work.

    Ainsley Harriot is nice

    *slinks back under rock*

  91. Kremble Says:


    Nope. Still nothing.

  92. Kremble Says:

    Right, I’ll have a discussion with myself then.

    Krembers old chap, what do you make of the I’m a Celebrity crowd?

  93. Kremble Says:

    Good question.

    Hmmm, I think i’ll have to say that they’re a bit egotistical and stupid and vainglorious and self-centred and unpleasant but its nice to watch them eat bugs and get covered in shit.

  94. Kremble Says:

    Good point.

    *Loses will to live*

    *Quietly fucks off and turns off light as he leaves*

  95. ugeine Says:

    For the record, the only wrestlers I would wank off are Earthquake, Bam Bigalow, Hardcore Holly and that midget that dresses like a leprechaun.

  96. Swineshead Says:

    I do enjoy the way Kremble lapses into insanity every evening.

    Just googled Harcore Holly – who could resist that hunk?

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