The Last Millionaire


The Apprentice isn’t back till March.

If your thirst for asinine entrepreneurs wasn’t quenched by the borderline unwatchable Natural Born Sellers on ITV, then you could do worse than flick over to BBC3 on a Wednesday night for The Last Millionaire. It’s like The Apprentice in reverse and without the flawed concept of Sugar as some figurehead of business ethics and success.

What you get is a bunch of youngsters who’ve  crucially already made their first million and are on the show simply to strut and show off their imagined business acumen. If they win the weekly task they can go home – but if they lose they stay on and run the risk of ultimately being the outright loser in the final week. And it seems that losing is the thing they most fear – whereas in The Apprentice, all but one will lose, so only being the first to go really carries any shame.

All these bright young things are dropped in a foreign clime, week upon week, and paired up. They’re given about 60 quid each, tossed in a hostel and told to make as much money as they can within seven days. A borderline impossible task, you might think. 

There’s clearly a little help from the production team in terms of providing contacts and offering inspiration, but for the most part it seems they’re left on their own and many minutes of quality chuckles are reaped from their absent-minded bull-headedness, pig-ignorant self-belief and vain lack of self-awareness. As seven days is too short a time to set up a legitimate business beyond selling bottles of water to tourists (which is what one pairing did one week, while others were selling high end night out to models), most of the participants resort to scamming bar owners, museums, tourist agencies and holiday-makers. And sometimes their arrogance is breathtaking.

Last week’s winners, for example, sold a Spencer Tunick style installation at a German bar. The owner was impressed by the non-tacky pitch and would provide cash for the publicity as well as use of the bar. A photographer who was asked to generate that publicity was also asked for some money – he could use the prints as he liked afterwards. So, with money made, all the lads had to do was find some dudes who were happy to be nudes.

Having promised a jam-packed barful of naked folk, all of them rendered anonymous by their sheer numbers, they managed to get about seven very uncomfortable people to take part through sheer, sneaky manipulation. The bar looked half empty so the photos that were eventually produced must’ve resembled the opening shots from a C-grade group porn pamphlet. But – amazingly – they got the money from the photographer.

On the other hand, the bar-owner turned from an easy going cool-cat into a rage-filled German stereotype, ordering them to get out of his bar without payment in a thick, furious accent in one of the most satisfying sequences I’ve seen on TV this year.

They won the task. And they won it through sheer audacity, front, bullying, smarm, charm and bullshit. Where The Apprentice makes out that there is still a huge amount of honour in the business world and uses the stooges as bad-example scapegoats, The Last Millionaire proves that the real way to make money in this ‘orrible old world is to con people into handing it over. Just ask anyone who bought the Amstrad Emailer.

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58 Responses to “The Last Millionaire”

  1. Toothed Varmint Says:

    >a bunch of youngsters who’ve crucially already made their first million

    A massive reason to hate them from the start. The programme would be much more satisfying if instead of all that malarkey with sending them abroad and giving them tasks, the producers would put the contestants in a pub carpark in Horsham and allowed members of the public to pelt them with overripe tomatos, rotten eggs, dead rats and filled nappies for an hour.
    One day…

  2. Swineshead Says:

    TV – you must stop these fantasies of what should happen on the TV. It’s out of your hands!

  3. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I know, I know… It’s hard, though. I crave perfection, you see. And in the perfect world people like that would be pelted with rats and nappies, you bet they will.
    We all yearn for something nice. And throwing eggs at these numpties would undoubtedly be NICE.
    OK, cold shower for me. Back in 15.

  4. Swineshead Says:


  5. Nick T Says:

    Could the nappies contain rats?
    There are no celebrities in this so it must be good, but then if that scotish women is anything to go by I would end up chewing my own arm off after 5 minutes.

    Robert Llewelyn is going to have a head cast today for as to be making a new mask for the Red Dwarf show.

    Twitter told me…..

  6. Swineshead Says:

    I never got on with Red Dwarf. And I can’t hack anything that Llewellynllyn’s been in subsequently because I’m not remotely interested in engines or rotary motion.

  7. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Oooooooph, that was good. I didn’t forget, Swineshead. I never forget THAT.
    Now then, Llewellyn. Doesn’t he look strange? Doesn’t he? His small face on a huge head? He gives me the creeps.
    How come no-one from Red Dwarf never went on to greater things?

  8. Swineshead Says:

    You’re forgetting Craig Charles – he went MASSIVE.

  9. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I am forgetting him, yeah. A very easy thing to do.

  10. Swineshead Says:

    Quiet again, eh?
    I imagine everyone’s playing that bloody game on Nappers’ site.

  11. Swineshead Says:

    “You can talk and drive, mate. Please! You can talk and drive, mate. Please! You can talk and drive, mate. Please!”

  12. Toothed Varmint Says:

    He shall pay for this, this evil-doer.
    Good game, though, I have to admit. But it distracts folks from having serious discussions here and therefore it must be banned.
    Napoleon must be punished financially, administratively and, preferably, physically.
    But he won’t, will he? No. It’s one set of rules for us simple people and another one for hifalutin’ nose-in-the-air upstarts who want to distract… er, who want to distract us from stuff.
    It must be stopped!

  13. indy Says:

    oh no. the red dwarf man (makes me sound like bob fossil of mighty boosh fame describing a squirrel)! he’s on crack?! didn’t he host robot wars? (which was sent on “hang over” time – between 12-13 on swedish shit spreader channel tv4)

  14. indy Says:

    mr randall? mr lewis? hello?

  15. Swineshead Says:

    Working like a bastard over here…

  16. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Everyone is feverishly earning, I think. It’s crisis time after all. No room for idle chat about some televisual shitheads.
    Pity, that.

  17. Toothed Varmint Says:

    There you go. Working… What a hateful passtime, don’t you find?

  18. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve got the fury again as well.

  19. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Is it like “red mist”, Swineshead? Do you smash things?

  20. Swineshead Says:

    It’s a mix of scotch mist and red mist.

    it’s not helping that someone’s put Tears In Heaven on the office iPod dock.

  21. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Time to do some smashing, SH. iPods, office furniture, heads… A short-lived moment of intense joy. Tempted?

  22. indy Says:

    ipod dock. you got an ipod dock on your office. lucky bastards.

    we are forced to sing while we are working over here.

  23. Swineshead Says:

    iPod dock is equally a blessing and a curse. Some people have terrible taste.

    I might smash up some furniture whilst whacking off / listening to Extreme

  24. ugeine Says:

    Office Ipod? We don’t even get a radio.

    Nice article. It sounds like quite an interesting programme. Having no link to the business world I always watch these types of programme for voyeuristic kicks, to see what a bunch of smug bastards they are. And it seems the entire point in this programme is to see what a bunch of smug bastards they are.

  25. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Extreme! Wow, mate, you’ve got TASTE. I mean it, I love Extreme. More than words can say.
    Not because of their music or singing, but because I really scored all these years ago while Extreme was playing.

    As for iPods – I don’t even have one. I listen to KKJZ and Lounge-radio online. I don’t go outside much.

  26. Toothed Varmint Says:

    >voyeuristic kicks

    Beats teenage kicks any day in my book.

  27. ugeine Says:

    I was looking through her door
    waiting for her to use the bath
    knife in my pocket if things go poor
    she will never escape my wrath

    i want to watch her all night
    get voyeuristic kicks
    all through the night
    god damn

    Wouldn’t have made Radio 1.

  28. Nick T Says:

    Just had to give a presentation, talked for a bloody hour. I will not speak for the rest of the day…

  29. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Will you write though, Nick? Please do!

  30. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Bravo, Ugeine! God damn.

  31. ugeine Says:

    Thanks, TV. It was a normal Wednesday evening for me.

  32. indy Says:

    ugeine – great lyrics. it does however, say nothing to me about my life…

    i’ve got broadband you know…

  33. Toothed Varmint Says:

    How I envy you, Ugeine. My normal evening (Wednesday or otherwise) consists of crying and wanking. I am also quite like to mash things – spuds, turnips, kittens, whatEVER – and to shout at the TV-set.
    And I like reading this here blog and scattering my thought-leavings all over it.
    That’s about it.

  34. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Shit, I forgot to mention that I also LOVE to make loads of grammatical and spelling mistakes in my thought-leavings (I enjoy this term, I’m gonna copyright it).
    I like to think of it as my “style”.

  35. indy Says:

    tv: play the foreigner-card. i always play the foreigner-card when i’m can’t be bothered about grammar and spelling. just tell them that you want to know what love is and they’ll forget about it.

  36. ugeine Says:

    TV: I also love to mash things. I like to mash potatoes and shout at them when the mash isn’t fluffy enough. We should get together sometime.

  37. Toothed Varmint Says:

    They come over here, they take our jobs, they mangle our beautiful language… And after all this they want to know what love is! We’ll show them love, we’ll show them some tough love…

  38. Toothed Varmint Says:

    >I like to mash potatoes and shout at them when the mash isn’t fluffy enough.
    And wank. That’s imperative.

    >We should get together sometime.
    Definitely. And have ourselves a merry orgy of mashing and shouting. Maybe not wanking, though. I am still too inhibited to do it publicly.

    Oh joy, the mail’ve just come, my LocoRoco 2 is here, I’m gonna be lost to the world for several days…

  39. ugeine Says:

    LocoRoco 2? Good God man, you’re insane. *wanks, mashes and shouts to nobody*

  40. Who Says:

    I want an Amstrad Emailer. How much are they, anybody know?

  41. Nick T Says:

    I will look it up on my A mstrad comp.

  42. Nick T Says:

    Crap! I put all the rubbish arrow dos stuff on that last comment .

    Don’t know why I bother.

    In other news I just popped in to see the college nurse. he was so bored, he was looking for new wallpaper for his gmail page……

  43. Nick T Says:

    Chinese leaf/Romain lettuce with Dolchelata (?) cheese with dollop of Helmans….

  44. ugeine Says:


  45. Nick T Says:

    Do you use a ricer, masher or Smash?

    Do they still make Smash?

  46. Nick T Says:

    I was wondering if the Woolworths in Australia would close down as well.
    It’s wierd there, Woolworths is a supermarket

  47. Nick T Says:


  48. Nick T Says:


    Thanks, thanks a lot….

  49. indy Says:

    everyone gone off on the whorient hexpress or what?

    found the latest screenwipe episode (on advertising). it was really good. as expected. though the comments on c brooker’s guardian columns are very backlash provoking.

  50. Toothed Varmint Says:

    It’s cold… So, so cold… And empty… where’s everyone (except for Nick and Indy)?.. so, so cold and empty…

  51. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Brooker used to my my sort of semi-idol, but lately I’m more level-headed towards him. I still rely on him for opinions, though. Just.

  52. ugeine Says:

    Brooker and Yhatzee are probably my favourite all time video game reviewers.

  53. Nick T Says:

    63 downloads of Nickies little podcast, oh yes…..

    Shall we hijack this blog?

    Where shall we take it?

    I say Cuba!!

  54. Nick T Says:

  55. ugeine Says:

    Friday question: Where’s SH?

  56. Nick T Says:

    I’ve been stuck here on my own all day…..

  57. Nick of the T Says:

    *chews off head*

  58. indy Says:

    “…all by myseeeeelf…”


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