Archive for December 1st, 2008

The Monday Question: Whatever the bloody hell ever happened to…?

December 1, 2008

The likes of I’m a Celebrity and Celebrity Big Brother, along with lesser rivals CelebAir and Celebrity Scissorhands, remind us what happens to those washed up once-were-gonna-bes who were once instantly recognisable before fashions and our memories move on.

David VD from this year’s jungle experiment is the perfect example. The man is a bizarre, plasticated nobody who is convinced he’s somebody. His gnashing white teeth and blonde highlights give him the false impression that he still counts. He’s firmly of the impression that it wouldn’t take a forceful nudge, a rummage through wikipedia or a blow to the head for Joe Public to have any recall on who he is. Or was. We had, quite simply, forgotten he existed…

But now we have the internet, IMDB and the aforementioned Wikipedia we are empowered. We CAN find out where these barely remembered TV-folk have got to. We don’t need I’m a Celebrity or any of these piss-poor vehicles – all we need is the power of our memories to recall them and then we can google about instead of doing any work until we have their entire working history before our eyes.

Case Study 1:

Tinker out of Lovejoy

Poor Old Tinker had a sinister face and white hair like an evil gremlin. Whenever he came onscreen, children shrieked and tiny underpants throughout the nation were soiled with screamer-shits and worried piss.
But where is Tinker now?

Just a cursory glance over IMDB shows me that Tinker’s been a busy bastard doing the compulsory stints in Emmerdale, Casualty and The Bill, etc… but was also, presumably, Danny Dyer’s Dad in the Football Factory – literally one of the worst films I’ve seen! Dudley Sutton (that’s his real name) was also Wilfred in Eastenders, latterly. Weirdly, I seem to have blanked this from my mind. He’ll always be Tinker to me.

Let’s have another…

Case Study 2:

mike morris

Mike bloody Morris

Plucking a name and face from my mind, inexplicably, Mike Morris pops into view. Mike fucking Morris, who I hated as a child with no good reason. Mike Morris, scourge of local news programme Look North, serving Yorkshire and North Lincolnshire with his impotent, bawdy humour. Despicable Mike Morris, later of TVAM, with his strawberry blonde moustache and clearcut homoerotic obsession with Richard Keyes.

Mike Morris made me angry at the world I lived in – he unreasonably became, to my childish eyes, the personifaction of everything shameful there is about being a man. Moustaches, stupid toothy grins and a lack of ability when communicating with women (Christa Ackroyd). He was clearly seething that he’d never attain the popularity of people’s favourite, Harry Gration – who, incidentally, looked just like my Biology teacher, Mr Vickers.

But where’s that evil Mike Morris now?

Apparently he doesn’t work in television any more. Thanks for putting my mind at rest, Digitalspy .

And to finish off:

Case Study 3:

That Ferreira girl out of Eastenders

Remember that really badly written Asian family in Easties? I know – there are a few to choose from in Eastenders’ chequered past. But the daughter in this one looked like she might go quite far. She was good looking and could just about act… so it was weird to see her sink without trace when the family got axed from the show.

Like some guilty internet stalker, I find her immediately via the BBC website. With her real, actual name, I trawl IMDB to see that, shock of shocks, she featured in The Bill after Eastenders – a familiar career curve. Blimey… she was in Bend it like Beckham too…

A look at her personal website reaps no rewards as it’s not been updated since 2007, but IMDB tells me she’s soon to feature in movie Cash & Curry. Check out the website. I think it’s going to be a MUST SEE for 2009.

End of Case Studies

So –  if there’s some actor, presenter or pundit you’ve lost track of in the midsts of time, get on the internet, track them down and let us know …

…whatever the bloody hell ever happened to them?