Iceland Christmas Advert 2008

by

We live in a world where atrocities occur each and every day. Whether that be the systematic rape and imprisonment of children, the genocide of entire races of people or the false imprisonment and torture of ethnic minorities, few can deny that the world can be an ugly and brutal place.

Despite knowing of the depths of man’s inhumanity to man, despite being aware of the full capacity of evil that exists within human beings it’s still hard to imagine anything – anything – worse than the prospect of having to watch the Iceland Christmas advert again.

When the final city falls, the last creature dies and we are visited by alien beings eager to learn the tragic circumstances of our downfall (much like the ending to Steven Spielbergs A.I., in fact) they will look upon this moment and realise that everything can be attributed to the release and distribution of this advert.

As the souls of the damned burn in eternal hellfire they will be forced to watch this medley of frozen foods, Christmas carols and ITV stalwarts in ear piercing 3D futuroscope. On an endless loop, it will pierce their retinas and they will begin their unanswered cries for mercy, knowing that only an appearance by Christopher Biggins could deepen their pain.

It’s a distant and terrifying world for me; the world where frozen pepperoni kebabs hawked by fake-tittied junkies, self-hating right-wingers and formally famous pop stars can be considered appealing. These are the dregs of the celebrity world; end of the pier daytime TVers more famous for their lives than their talents – yet somehow their endorsements are seen as encouragable.

The planet may be bleeding terror and dying from environmental collapse, the soul of humanity may well be killing itself and bringing destruction upon itself and the capitalistic system may be bringing us to the edge of a societal implosion but real evil – deep true evil, the kind Buffy used to battle – is reserved for inside the cathode rayed nipple in the corner of the room, the glowing box which bears the names Katona, Nolan and Donovan.

Fear them, for they will destroy us all.

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192 Responses to “Iceland Christmas Advert 2008”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    Adam & Joe were talking about the King Prawn Spoon on their show on Saturday – it was funny.

    Last night I watched I’m a Celeb and couldn’t help licking my lips at the prospect of Jumbo Tempura Prawns. It’s amazing that Iceland have found a means by which to freeze the delicate tempura coating – I think they should be saluted for that. I’ve not tried their Jumbo Tempura Prawns but I can’t see why they might have ignored what tempura is actually like and instead just made a rank, tasteless batter and given it that label because it sounds impressive. I bet they’ve done Japanese cuisine proud with their take on the Jumbo Tempura Prawn.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    http://digitalspy.com/broadcasting/a137190/bbc-sorry-over-barrowman-exposure.html

    Imagine barrowman with his balls out, munching on a Jumbo Tempura Prawn.

    Phwoar!

  3. Jo Says:

    I heard every time that advert runs, a small labrador puppy dies in Battersea Dogs Home.

    Unconfirmed, allegedly…etc.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    Everytime Barrowman sees that advert he exposes himself, through his living room window.

    Morning Jo. I just joined Twitter. I’m starting to see the point of it.

  5. Jo Says:

    Oh god, John Barrowman makes me feel ill fully clothed, and that’s just his nauseating album adverts. Funnily enough, they usually come on around the same time as the Iceland ones. Maybe ITV is engineering a way to get us all out of the house in the morning.

    I’m on Twitter. I use it but I’m not sure why. Tell me this point you see? And are you a witty or mundane updater?

  6. Swineshead Says:

    I’m going to post links every day to anything I make or helped make – WWM articles and the like. You should ‘follow’ me. I am called Swineshead on it.

    I’m still trying to get the thought of Barrowman waving his wonkle in Annie Mac’s face from my mind but it’s stuck fast.

    *seeks help*

  7. Swineshead Says:

    I’m going to post links every day to anything I make or helped make – WWM articles and the like. You should ‘follow’ me. I am called Swineshead on it.

    I’m still trying to get the thought of Barrowman waving his wonkle in Annie Mac’s face from my mind but it’s stuck fast.

    *seeks help*

  8. Mr H Says:

    Actually, I’m all in favour of the Iceland adverts.

    Their secret plan involves luring all the most loathsome specimens of sub Z-list celebrities into one place, then choking them to death with a £1 Chicken Tikka Masala.

    Just wait until about 2020. Then they’ll have them all.

  9. Swineshead Says:

    *shakes John Barrowman’s winkle in Mr H’s face*

  10. Mr H Says:

    I had that John Barrowman in the back of my cab once.

    Took ages to get the stains out.

    Boom and boom.

  11. Jo Says:

    The closest I’ve been to John Barrowman is speaking to his PA. Who is, of course, male.

    Personal Assistant indeed.

  12. Swineshead Says:

    Easy Jo – just because he’s male doesn’t mean they’re doing sex.

    Heaven forbid!

  13. Mr H Says:

    From what I hear, you’re perfectly safe as long as you stand a minimum of six inches away, and wear a Superdry Technical Windcheater.

  14. Swineshead Says:

    Barrowman Bukake.

    Christ – add that to your Iceland shopping list.

    Deep Frozen Barrowman Gush. Thaw and allow to flow before fizzing all over face and chest.

    *gulp*

  15. Mr H Says:

    Hmm, someone is getting a wee bit too excited about the thought of Barrowman gushing.

    Lucky for you John Barrowman has his own YouTube channel.

    And just think how many disgusting puns / metaphors / out and out filth that sentence will generate.

    http://pl.youtube.com/JohnBarrowmanTV

  16. Swineshead Says:

    Lots of showtunes on that page, I notice.

    I love it when Barrowman belts one out.

  17. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t mind this advert. It’s that fucking Marks & Spencer’s one I can’t abide. Yes, they have the black girl who’s permanently in her smalls, but that’s not enough to take away the pain of watching Take That, Twiggy and that waste of space Myleene pretending to enjoy ’emselves.

    They do LOADS of stuff for just a pound at Iceland. No fucking wonder mums go there.

  18. Swineshead Says:

    It’s all crap though. Crap for a pound is still crap.

    I’ll take Twiggy’s M&S party over the Biggins / Katona bash – Makalele’s wife is definitely the incentive.

    When you go into Iceland it feels like walking into a cryogenic suspension lab, not a grocery shop.

  19. Napoleon Says:

    I like their pepper smothered beef grillsteaks. They’re only a pound.

    I’m baffled by this new-fangled parallel shopping universe populated entirely by middle- and lower-tier celebrities. Is Jamie really friends with Ant ‘n’ Dec (to the extent a chance encounter in Sainsbury’s leads him to do the catering at their party)? Does Richard Hammond know Denise Van Outen so well that she already knows his holiday plans when they bump into one another in Morrison’s (indicating a previous meeting we’re not privvy to)? And how come the Take That lads have agreed to spend Christmas Day with some girls and an old woman instead of their wives and girlfriends? It’s all very fishy is this.

  20. Swineshead Says:

    Adam & Joe spoke of this on their national radio show. I agree, it’s bizaree – but I suppose it beats Alan Hansen getting confused in Morrisons with a shopping trolley.

    I’ve done all my Christmas shopping using Amazon, like any self-respecting lazy person would. The food I’m going to eat will take one jaunt to the supermarket. I shall definitely eat sprouts.

  21. Mr H Says:

    I dunno, I’d still do Twiggy.

    It’s that giraffe Erin Somethingorother who somehow passes herself of as a model, despite being the ugliest thing this side of Napoleon Perry.

    And it’s a well known internet fact that all the celebrities are graded by letter, and kept in gated communities well apart from each other. That way they never have to mix with someone from outside their own social strata.

    It’s how they all end up shagging each other, and bump into one other when out shopping.

  22. Who Says:

    Don’t try and tell me Van Outen, the Hamster, Alan Hansen and Lulu don’t all bash trollies on a weekly basis.

    TREAD CAREFULLY, FOR YOU TREAD ON MY DREAMS

  23. Swineshead Says:

    ‘bash trollies’ – nice euphemism for ‘docking’ there.

  24. Napoleon Says:

    I note that old bag Joan Collins is telling us how she likes her Christmas party food done just so courtesy of Marks ‘n’ Spencer’s. That old bitch.

  25. Dave Says:

    I miss the Woolworths adverts with that puppet sheep and dog. Both put down, no doubt, or harvested of their organs. Do puppets have organs?

  26. Swineshead Says:

    Woolworths is still open in my East London village – when will it die?
    I went in there on Saturday and bought a load of old shit, as tradition dictates.

  27. Napoleon Says:

    I’m not sure that they do, Dave. Anyway, they might not have been put down. I thought the ITV Digital monkey had been sold off for scientific experimentation, and then blow me if he didn’t turn up flogging PG Tips with that unfunny drunk man. The dog and the sheep may rise again.

    DON’T LOSE HOPE.

  28. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – I think they’re keeping the carcass on life-support to see if unpleasant, vulgar wideboy and unfunny ‘Dragon’ Theo Paphitis buys it.

  29. Dave Says:

    Zig and Zag were buggered, locked in a cage and slowly roasted.

  30. Napoleon Says:

    I must say I was surprised to discover the entire cast of Trumpton, Chigley and Camberwick Green were turfed onto a bonfire in the animator’s back garden. I bet he’s kicking himself now we’re living in an era where people’ll pay an arm and a leg for a piece of tat from their rose-tinted childhoods.

    (I hope Bagpuss ended up in a bag at the bottom of a canal)

  31. Swineshead Says:

    They don’t half sell a load of shit, Woolworths. Theo would fit right in there. I hope it works out for him.

    Now then – I need to purchase an XBox 360. Do any of you lot have one of these machines?

  32. mostlylouche Says:

    I have one.

  33. Swineshead Says:

    Do I need one with a hardrive louche, or shall I just get the arcade one? I don’t want to play internet mongs online, I just want to play with myself.

    In fact – when I put it that way I realise I don’t even need an Xbox.

  34. Napoleon Says:

    Get a Pro version, Swineshead. The best thing about Xbox 360s is they’re old enough to be able to get some fucking good games for fuck all at those second-hand exchange shops. The worst thing is you never know when the processor is going to roast the motherboard alive and fuck the damn thing up.

  35. Dave Says:

    Buy a Wii. They never get old. Ever. Unless you’re sane, in which case you’ll hang yourself after an hour.

  36. mostlylouche Says:

    Get the hardrive one, otherwise it’s like having a machine with Alzheimer’s*. 99% of games require patches these days and a memory card won’t be able to fit them all on.

    Also Street Fighter 2 on Xbox is way harder than you remember it, although Guile is still an utter c*nt.

    *Not a scientifically proven fact.

  37. Swineshead Says:

    Pro version, is it?
    Noted.

    Getting old games for cheap was always my tactic with the PS2 – but it died its death this year. Poor old PS2.

    This 3 circles thing on the XBox – surely you can just turn it off after every time you use it and it won’t turn into a cinder?

  38. mostlylouche Says:

    What Napoleon said about roasting is true, Game will insure it for two years for £20 which is worth while. My little brother’s Xbox went pop a week ago and he has just swapped it for a new one.

  39. Swineshead Says:

    Noted, thanks Louche. I’ll go for the 20 gig one I think.

    Dave – only paedophiles own Wiis.
    Haven’t you seen the Jamie Redknapp ads?

  40. mostlylouche Says:

    Also you can sell your games on Ebay once you have finished them and sometimes make a small profit.

  41. Napoleon Says:

    See? You only get 250 MB of memory with the Arcade version. The Pro’ll give you enough memory space to download all the shit you need. And then it’ll break down, and you won’t see it for three months. Still, when this happens, you can look at the pictures on the back of the game boxes.

  42. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – There isn’t a 20 GB one. The Pro (the version I’ve got) is 60 GB.

  43. mostlylouche Says:

    Napoleon, do you consider yourself a Pro?

  44. Napoleon Says:

    Louche – Do you have a CEX near you? I take my old games in there and they do a good exchange rate. If you buy something relatively new, you can exchange it reasonably quick and never have to pay for another game ever again. The missus also does this with ‘er DS.

  45. Swineshead Says:

    He’s like an Xbox gigolo.

    On another topic – someone at work just said that the soup tub they bought from Sainsburys contains 3 of their 5 a day. I called them a cretin. Was this justified?
    Can they really put 3 of your ‘5 a day’ in a plastic tub for 2 quid or are they exploiting the simple mindsets of idiots with that packaging claim?

    I must be right.

  46. Napoleon Says:

    A prostitute? I’m assuming that’s what you’re driving at there, Louche? Well, fuck you.

    I’m a pro at Assassin’s Creed, mind. I can repeatedly climb a building, save a citizen and stab someone with that concealed knife thing with the best of ’em.

  47. Napoleon Says:

    My ‘5 a Day’ consists of:

    Brown sauce (fruit)
    Beans (veg)
    Frozen pizza (fruit)
    Beer (yeast)
    Bacon (bacon)

    I’ve a funny pain in my left arm …

  48. Swineshead Says:

    Actually – that;s a point. In Grand Theft Auto IV, do you need to eat your 5 a day to ensure you make it through the day alive?

    I missed one of my 5 a day yesterday and I think, as a consequence, my spleen’s just ruptured.

  49. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Them 5-a-day things require you to eat absolutely nothing. If you have a 1l carton of tomato juice it counts as 18.

  50. Napoleon Says:

    You do need to eat 5 portions a day in GTA IV. I tend to eat them all at once whilst watching the game’s TV stations. Then I go out and batter a prostitute to death with a baseball bat.

  51. Swineshead Says:

    Bacon is definitely one of your ‘5 a day’.

    There was a period when I was a frisky 14 year old when I had 5 a day – I’m not sure I could manage it as a decrepit 30 year old.

  52. ugeine Says:

    SH: That’s the three red rings OF DEATH. Once you get them, you’ve got a very expensive white box shaped foot rest.

  53. Swineshead Says:

    GTA IV sounds amazing. Do you also have to visit the toilet? For wee AND poo?

  54. Nick T Says:

    Twitter is strangly addictive. Stephen Fry is on it all the time. I know his every move!

    I’m waiting for “nut soup” and “pit pies”

  55. Napoleon Says:

    Wagonwheel – It’s all fancy juices nowadays. What ponce chooses pomegranate juice or bloody cranberry over good old British orange juice, eh?

    Piqued, that’s who!

  56. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    There are furniture shops in London that’d sell you a white box-shaped footrest for the same price without even getting to play games on it EVER.

  57. mostlylouche Says:

    Napoleon, I was asking if you play computer games for money, thus requiring a ‘pro’ machine.

    Swineshead, What is the basic unit of vegatable that they use to calculate the soup being worth three? Is it like conkers?

    I am a pro at Fable 2. Yesterday I did a sex on a whore called Debbie and I used a condom. I was trying to lift Debbie from a her computerised life of sin by giving her cash but I accidentially used her services instead. Then I kicked a chicken.

  58. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – You can wee in a whore’s mouth if you want. The last time I played it, I done a big shit out of a helicopter then went shopping.

  59. ugeine Says:

    Napoleon, as usual, is about 1,000 years behind. CEX started off as a quite good alternative to shops like Gamestation but have started to increase their prices drastically in the last two years, what with the game industry leaning heavily on used game retailers the game industry treats CEX like their weird, child molester uncle.

    A blind guy with no hands could find a better price online.

    And no, you don’t have to eat in GTAIV. Or work out. Or drive trains. Or about a million other crap mini games that have migrated over to Saints Row II.

  60. Napoleon Says:

    Louche – By the sounds of it, you have exactly the same machine as me. Mine, however, is dedicated to bringing death to my enemies – yours seems to be used for wandering round a silly fantasy land with a dog. Shame on you.

  61. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    NC – According to the Economist, they’re going to try and replace the poppy crop in Afghanistan with pomegranates, but this can only work if we all turn into pretentious ponces prepared to munch the things from dusk til’ dawn. AND THEY SAY THE TERRORISTS HAVEN’T CHANGED OUR WAY OF LIFE!

  62. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – I wonder if that’s a London thing? Every game I’ve got from CEX has cost me nothing at all. The exchange rate I’ve got for what I’ve brought in has covered the price.

    Oh, and you’re a monstrously ugly young man, by the way.

  63. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    That’s right, dusk til’ dawn. We’re all in a vampire film of debatable quality.

  64. mostlylouche Says:

    *spends thirty minutes playing a mini game of working in a bar that amounts to pressing a button every four seconds*

    Yes, this is FUN. No really, it is. Wait. Come back, no it’s really good. Fable 2 is a bit shit actually, but my brother brought it and I want to see what happens in the end.

  65. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Do Iceland do spam fritters? I’ve never tried one, but wouldn’t mind walking on the wild side a bit.

  66. Swineshead Says:

    One minute I’m desperate for conversation, the next minute I can’t keep up…

    *googles John Barrowman’s penis*

  67. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t see the point of pomegranates. Anything you need to eat with a pin should be stricken off the food chain for being too preposterous.

  68. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    SH – He got off with that one lightly. None of the Russell Brand treatment for him. Maybe he’s invulnerable because he’s gay. CONTROVERSIAL!

  69. mostlylouche Says:

    Napoleon, have you found any good war games for the Xbox? I like a bit of war me.

  70. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    NC – they do shove a convenient fist up the arse of intelligent design though.

  71. Napoleon Says:

    Louche – I played Fable on the XBox and thought it was bollocks. Overlord was much more fun because you could set fire to sheep and shit. I’d say the best game I’ve played on anything ever is Bioshock. That was fucking superb.

  72. ugeine Says:

    NP: I can’t help it. I’ve got a bad case of mingitis.

    And everything’s so stupidly overpriced in London I’d imagine buying a pre owned version of Mario and Sonic eat at McDonalds for £185 sounds like a good steal. That would be £185 after you’ve traded your week old copy of Fallout 3 for 50p, a toffee crisp and a rubber.

    Plus, those stores always smell of B.O, long cues and have the following staff members:

    X2 geeks into heavy metal with Dimu Borgur T Shirts and hair lips.

    x2 normal geeks with a badly advised eccentric fashion sense

    x1 bog standard geek with glasses and obscure 80s game referencing t shirt.

    x1 cool geeky girl who likes anime and died her hair in an sharp red or purple.

    I’m not really a fan.

  73. mostlylouche Says:

    Bioshock isn’t just a game it’s ART*. I’ve got Overlord but I’ve not completed it because the last level is so annoyingly fiddly.

    Swineshead, borrow Bioshock off someone and play it late at night, when you are alone and if possible slightly damp.

    *where you can smash people in the face with a wrench.

  74. Swineshead Says:

    London’s great, you’re just jealous. We’ve got LOADS of parks!

  75. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – The staff clearly come out of a box because the ones you describe also work at the Sheffield branch of CEX. I told one of the pillocks that he had skidmarks up his underpants the other day (this fashion for showing off your smalls makes you look like a halfwit, by the way), and he dramatically slapped his hands to his cheeks, shouted ‘Oh My God!’ in a suitably hammy fashion, and then sped off to the staff toilets.

    The twit. What happened to men? Where did they disappear off to?

  76. ugeine Says:

    We have the third most hated building in Britain.

    To quote the Cobblers Faithful:

    ‘A finer town I’ll never see

    A Finer Town There’ll never be

    Big City Lights Don’t Bother Me,

    Northampton Town I’m Proud to Be’

    Uusally sung by somebody who thinks Kettering is a forigen country.

  77. Napoleon Says:

    London’s not that great. It’s an even more up-its-own-arse version of Manchester with even worse inhabitants.

  78. Swineshead Says:

    So you grade English cities on how bad they are, then construct a league table in your mind?

    Surely Sheffield must fare quite badly on this ratings system, what with it being a tiny shithole.

  79. ugeine Says:

    NP: Sounds about right. The one in our store always waxes on about the xbox like a drunken preacher and has a selection of different hawaian shirts. I hate him with my all.

  80. Napoleon Says:

    Sheffield’s alright, actually. Much better than London, which is an abomination filled with turds (like you, Swineshead). Still, I suppose we need a place where dullards from the provinces can go and pretend to be something they’re not whilst paying £20,000 for a sandwich surrounded by awful people who do nothing but bang on about how wonderful London is.

  81. Clarry Says:

    I’ve got a Wii SH. Does that mean i’ve got to be friends with Tony off Eastenders?

    The Louis Theroux prog on Sundsay was EXACTLY the same as that programme ‘The First 48’ that always bang on about – except that you actually see what happens and get to find out who dunnit.

  82. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – Our CEX has:

    A man who dresses exactly like that buffoon off of The Mighty Boosh.
    A black fella who believes he’s John Shaft.
    A nob-end in a retro Led Zeppellin road crew t-shirt with one of those circular earring things that look decidedly unpleasant.
    A twit with his underpants hanging out who wears t-shirts of 80s shit he wasn’t old enough to see in the 80s (The Goonies, Teen Wolf, Lost Boys etc.)
    A goth (yadda yadda yadda – I, TOO, am an individual, madam)
    A goon whose speciality is advertising defunct 1980s computer equipment (Atari, Commodore 64, ZX Spectrum)

    Plus the usual selection of shitwits with hedgerows for hair.

  83. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – You’re alright because you’re a girl. Wiis are made for your mob, which is why so many games concentrate on puppies, ponies and wandering around imaginary worlds doing absolutely fuck all.

  84. ugeine Says:

    ‘A twit with his underpants hanging out who wears t-shirts of 80s shit he wasn’t old enough to see in the 80s (The Goonies, Teen Wolf, Lost Boys etc.)’

    Ah, he used to work at our store! He must have transferred down to yours. I swear you’re right about the box, or there’s some awkward geek recruitment agency that has their contract.

    Our one hired a new anime loving girl and within a month the old one had left. Obviously not enough room in a CEX for two females, it was probably effecting the staff. I always assumed she was put down, she’s probably working in Bedford now.

  85. Nick T Says:

    Ladies and Gentlemen, I’d like to present you with a wonderful new dish,

    “The Halumi Omlette”

    Tasty enough to grace any table and simple to prepare….

    *bows*

  86. Swineshead Says:

    Clarry – Nappers summed up the Wii thing. Girls are allowed DS and Wii without so much as a smudge on their character.

    Good work on mocking London, Nappers. A city you were considering moving to before the credit crunch bit down. Strange that.

  87. Clarry Says:

    I don’t play any games like that Nap. I get bored of games. D plays Resident Evil on it and has completed it about 700 times in every mode. I don’t understand – what’s the motivation?

    The last time I was properly addicted to a game was in my teens and Mario was my poison. In those days games repeated in the same way every time you played, so you could almost play without looking and your fingers would do the required moves automatically.

  88. Clarry Says:

    P.S I’ve been watching Fast Show again – forgotten how funny it was (if you ignore some of the shit bits).

    Do you like liver
    Do you like bacon?
    Do you like liver AND bacon?

    Come and see my collection in the Isle of Man…

  89. Napoleon Says:

    This looks like a magical Christmas day out for all the family:

    http://tinyurl.com/5mzojf

    The second video shows the attraction in all its winter glory. I look forward to being beguiled by the infamous ‘Tunnel of Lights’.

    BOOK EARLY TO AVOID DISAPPOINTMENT!

  90. Napoleon Says:

    “Good work on mocking London, Nappers. A city you were considering moving to before the credit crunch bit down. Strange that.”

    I still am, Swineshead. The Credit Crunch means fuck all to me as I didn’t indulge in the orgy of consumer greed the rest of the country foolishly enjoyed over the last ten years. If I did move there, I would still mock it because it’s an idiotic city full of turds. I would be one of those turds.

  91. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – I’ve heard tell Mario Galaxy is alright. I doubt it’s as good as Gears of War, mind. That game STINKS of testosterone. When I got it out of the box, it accused me of looking at its missus’s tits, then punched me in the nuts.

  92. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – We have two females. The aforementioned goth (yawn), and a very pretty young lady who’s hamstrung by a topiary hedge for hair, and an inability to understand that putting old episodes of She-Ra on the inhouse DVD player makes her look like a spazmoid.

  93. Nick T Says:

    That’s down my way.

    It does sound magical….

  94. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – It sounds great, doesn’t it? I like the look of the old tractor tyres sprayed with white foam that nestle alongside Santa’s collection of B&Q sheds covered in mud. A winter wonderland.

  95. Clarry Says:

    Mario Galaxy is ok NC – but not aMAYzing. I like the little puzzle games on the Wii.

  96. Swineshead Says:

    I would be one of those turds.

    Oh. Fair enough then.

  97. Napoleon Says:

    The little puzzle games that are suspiciously similar to the ones you can get for nowt on the internet, Clarry?

  98. Napoleon Says:

    I would be a bigger turd than you are, Swineshead. I’d end up getting stabbed-up, I would.

  99. Nick T Says:

    Will be playing traditional games at xmas. Oddworld and Bugslife on the PS1….

  100. Mr H Says:

    Dear God! Have any of you had sex in the last five years, cos it certainly doesn’t seem like it, ya bunch of game playing buffoons.

  101. Napoleon Says:

    I’m planning on drinking so much egg-nog this Christmas I shit watery, yellow turds for a week. I think this is a suitably sombre way of celebrating the birth of our Lord and Saviour.

  102. ugeine Says:

    Mr H, it’s spelt ‘CEX’.

  103. Napoleon Says:

    Mr. H – You fat, behind-the-times, old toerag. I bet you sit up there in Scotchland playing patience by candlelight, don’t you?

  104. Nick T Says:

    *applauds*

    I had sex last night and scored an extra 100500 bonus!

  105. Swineshead Says:

    I muck about on Logic of an evening and it’s more infuriating and fun that playing games on a console. And you get a half-baked, unprofessional song at the end of it – hooray!

  106. Nick T Says:

    I’m up to 3/4 baked now….

  107. Swineshead Says:

    That’s still technically inedible, Nick.

  108. Napoleon Says:

    If my body can take it, I’m planning on consuming this lot on Christmas day:

    A bottle of egg-nog
    As much brandy as I can stand
    Half a turkey
    Two and half kilos of sprouts
    A bucket of gravy
    An entire packet of Paxo
    A pig’s worth of sausages wrapped in another pig’s worth of streaky bacon
    A field of spuds, roasted
    An entire bag of frozen peas
    An extra large Christmas pudding
    A gallon of brandy butter
    A bottle of Bailey’s
    A box of After Eight mints
    A tin of Quality Street
    Sixty satsumas
    A crate of mince pies
    A box of York Fruits
    A bottle of mulled wine
    One fig

    I fucking love Christmas.

  109. Swineshead Says:

    Oooh York Fruits. They’re good they are.

    Only half a turkey? Are you some sort of woman?

  110. Napoleon Says:

    It’s a pretty big Turkey, Swineshead. I’ve had to install an industrial smelting furnace to accomodate its mighty girth. Plus, if I ate it all, I would have nothing to put in my sandwiches for the next six years.

  111. Napoleon Says:

    Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas without York Fruits. Anyone who doesn’t like York Fruits may as well knock Christmas on the head, in my opinion. I tend to start wolfing ’em down when Her Majesty comes on at three. Gets your sugar levels up enough to allow your turkey-addled brain to get through the inevitable bloody Shrek film on BBC1.

  112. Mr H Says:

    NP – you’re forgetting that it’s winter up here which means 24 hours of darkness. And as an official Scotchman I’m too cheap to buy candles. After all, I have to save up for my Christmas Ecclefechan tarts.

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/south_of_scotland/7109302.stm

  113. Napoleon Says:

    Mr. H – It’s a long shot, but I’m hoping you get kidnapped by Al Quaeda this Christmas. As a repeat of the 1980 Last of the Summer Wine Christmas Special flops onto our screens, I think it would cheer us all up to know that you’re being beheaded in a dirty basement somewhere in Kandahar.

  114. ugeine Says:

    You Scots and your traditional Christmas treats disgust and anger me.

  115. Napoleon Says:

    I’m struggling with a right royal poser at the moment:

    Are we human? Or are we dancers?

    I just can’t make my mind up. Last night I was favouring ‘dancers’, but then I woke up this morning and began to see the merits of being ‘human’. Anyone else been caught on the horns of this philosophical dilemma?

  116. Napoleon Says:

    Also, does anyone else peeling a satsuma take the time out to create the ‘satsuma skin cock ‘n’ balls’? You peel upwards in a straight line, then pull the two divided bits of skin on either side of the line off. Once removed from the satsuma, the peel looks like a really long cock attached to a giant pair of balls.

    I’m not sure I’ve explained this very well.

  117. ugeine Says:

    Napoleon seems to have drunk so much bath tub egg nog he’s on an alcohol soaked journey around the back end of his consciousness.

  118. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – Yes, but have you created a cock ‘n’ balls off of satsuma skin?

  119. Mr H Says:

    NP – As a fully paid up member of Och Aye Qaeeda The Noo, Leith Branch, I am immune to your jibes.

    Instead, after eating my fill of Ecclefechan tarts and beating the children, I shall settle down to an afternoon of belching and scratching, whilst counting down the days to the arrival of the proper pagan festival that is Hogmanay.

    PS – as you have just quoted the words to a ‘song’ by the Killers, you have moved several steps ahead of me on the beheading ladder. Unless the dancers in question are those Russian bears on roller skates, which is just about the best thing Ever.

    Why don’t we have more television shows featuring said Russian bears on roller skates? I might even steal a telly for Xmas if I knew they were going to be on.

  120. ugeine Says:

    Aaaah, it’s a Killers Song. I thought he was actually losing it a bit. That reminds me, has anyone seen the latest Bil Bailey DVD? Rate good.

  121. Swineshead Says:

    Are we human?
    Or ARE we dancer?

    Basically they’ve deliberately screwed up the grammar to make it obvious that they’re quoting Hunter S Thompson to try and gain some literary cred – null and void sadly, as Thompson was simply an untalented drunk with a pad.

  122. Napoleon Says:

    Mr. H – My apologies for quoting a ‘song’ by The Killers. Their infernal conundrum keeps being played on Radio Two, and is driving me mad. I mean … are we human, or are we fucking dancers?

    Anyway, I’m not being talked to like that by a hapless boob wot’s slavishly devoted to a genre of preposterous clap-trap music that stopped being relevant to anyone other than fat bastards in faded Focus t-shirts in about 1976. Up yours, you has-been old dinosaur.

  123. ugeine Says:

    You’re just jealous because he was paid to write and you’re not, SH. I knew that Observer woman was right.

  124. ugeine Says:

    What is it with vague namechecks to counterculture by crap indie bands this year? First you’ve got some twunt who’s nailing Johnny Borrel living on ‘disillusion row’ and now this.

  125. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – Thompson perfected the art of being a journalist that’s decided they are far more important a subject to write about than just about anything else. In that respect, you could argue he is the godfather of 99% of the blogging community.

  126. Mr H Says:

    NP – the implication there is that I am some kind of hippy, when in fact I hate, hate, hate hippies. Not as much as I hate mimes, almost as much as I hate clowns, and more than I hate chefs [you’re fuggin cooks].

    Hawkwind don’t count cos they hate hippies as well, which must make it doubly enjoyable for them charging £18 admission to the hippy bastards at their show in Glasgow this Thursday.

  127. Napoleon Says:

    I could write a song to show off my literary credentials. Hang about …

    “Baby, I want you
    More, even, than how much Colonel Rudi Von Clappentrappen wanted to get his platoon out of the hell that was the Russian’s counter-attack at Stalingrad.
    Oooh, yeah.”

    See? I’ve shown I’m clever and have read a book and stuff by incorporating the words of Sven Hassel into my lyrics.

  128. Napoleon Says:

    I’m supposed to be seeing them (Hawkwind) this weekend in some godforsaken hoilday camp in Wales. Can’t bloody wait*.

    *can wait

  129. Nick T Says:

    I call that an orange peel elephant…..

  130. Napoleon Says:

    I’m right in thinking there must have been some religious dairy farmer somewhere that’s thought of injection-moulding processed cheese into the shape of Christ and marketing it as ‘Cheesus’? If not, then don’t you dare think of stealing my potentially lucrative new business idea.

  131. Mr H Says:

    Off to Butlins for Hard Rock Hell, eh? Makes it easy for the hitman I’ve hired to track you down. After all, how many other fat, ugly, drunk unemployed cartoonists will be there.

    Bear in mind, though, that I shall be seeing Hawkwind on Thursday in Glasgow, so the chances of them making it to Welsh Wales are greatly diminished.

  132. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – No! It’s a satsuma skin cock ‘n’ balls. Admittedly, it does also look like an elephant … but it’s actually a cock ‘n’ balls!

  133. Napoleon Says:

    Mr H – I couldn’t care less if they make it there or not. I’m only going for the free booze and complimentary roast dinners. AND the opportunity to horrify my Art Editor with a selection of eye-watering farts.

  134. Mr H Says:

    I find it hard to believe that any self respecting Art Editor would be seen dead within several miles of your farts.

    Incidentally, I have just been offered some frumenty at an early office Christmas party?

    Do I need to take my trousers off, or will some through denim action suffice?

  135. Swineshead Says:

    What comes out of a Hawk’s bottom?
    Hawkwind!
    *fart*

    The above is a routine you could try out.

  136. Mr H Says:

    Swineshead; it’s also how erstwhile Hawkwinder, Nik Turner, claims he came up with the name of the band, from his unappealing habit of clearing his throat (hawking) and excessive flatulence (wind).

  137. Swineshead Says:

    Oh. Thanks for shitting on my fire, Mr H.

    *weeps*

  138. Mr H Says:

    Ah yes, but have you ever shorn your hair into a Mohican, painted yourself in luminous orange and worn a black bin liner whilst honking into a saxophone at random intervals?

    If not, you still win.

  139. Mr H Says:

    Hoots mon! It’s just started snowing! Abandon office!

  140. Mr H Says:

    In what the fugg news, ex Status Quo drummer John Coughlan has been appointed as the new head of Haringey children’s services.

  141. Napoleon Says:

    This site’s a bloody DISGRACE!

    http://justin-visitfrance.blogspot.com/

  142. Swineshead Says:

    Is he suggesting we visit France as ‘friends’ rather than armed to the back teeth?

    Call the authorities.

  143. Napoleon Says:

    Apparently, the filthy traitor’s the editor of something called ‘French Magazine’, if you bloody-well please. The only French magazine I’d be interested in reading is one that deals exclusively with Great Britain, and is named ‘Great Britain Magazine’. The bloody SWINE!

  144. Mr H Says:

    I’m even more confused than usual. If France is so bloody wonderful (and it isn’t), why doesn’t Justin Postlethwaite just fug off there. Mind you, that has to be a pretendy name, so are we absolutely sure this isn’t some oh so witty, post ironic, middle class piss-take, and that the site is really a spoof.

  145. Napoleon Says:

    I’m not sure, Mr. H. I’ve left a suitably ‘Damn you!’ comment on his latest post just in case.

  146. Mr H Says:

    Perhaps we should organise some kind of march on Merricks Media Ltd. Unit 3/4 Riverside Court, Lower Bristol Road, Bath, BA2 3DZ.

    I’m sure there must be some angry villagers out there who haven’t set fire to anyone for a while, what with all these nancy boy health and safety rules. Tell them it’s a haven for speedofiles, sit back and watch the flames!

    The flames….the flames….the flames….

  147. Swineshead Says:

    To be fair, I have read a handful of French magazines that feature boobs. Maybe he’s recommending French tit mags on that blog.

  148. Mr H Says:

    Swineshead – did said magazines actually have articles in them, or were they simply photo-stories with captions along the lines of “Zut alors! Mon penis c’est magnifique.”.

    I’d hate to think you were veering off into traitorous territory.

  149. Napoleon Says:

    This French magazine should count itself lucky it’s not housed in Waterloo Road or Trafalgar Court or what-have-you. If it was, the government would be entirely justified in carpet bombing their office for having the bare-faced cheek to piss on British military history.

  150. Napoleon Says:

    I assume you were reading these French publications for research purposes, Swineshead?

  151. Swineshead Says:

    Yes, I was researching the magazines using my hands and mind.

    They had a bit where a woman had all things in her and was saying ‘Eps!’

  152. Napoleon Says:

    ‘Eps’, eh? Is that French talk for ‘Unhand my flappagery, sir, I need to shrug and eat a pair of horse’s testicles!’ These people disgust me with their ways.

  153. Mr H Says:

    I was always under the impression that the French spawned like amoeba, as even the French find their hirsute Frenchwimmin and midget, deodorant free Frenchmen too disgusting to have The Sex with.

  154. Swineshead Says:

    They eat rats over there.

  155. Napoleon Says:

    Having seen their president’s wife, I’m not so sure you’re correct there, Mr. H. Not only would I, but I would again and again until she told me to stop.

  156. Nick T Says:

    Can we compromise on an elephants cock n’ balls?

  157. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – I suppose so.

    *says that, but secretly disagrees*

  158. Mr H Says:

    You’re saying that now, but what if she disrobed, only for you to find that her underarm hair was back combed up the back of her neck and over her head, thus rendering her not only bald, but that with five feet long axillary hair covered in nits.

    Eh? Eh?

    Cos that’s what you’ll find if you go there.

    And who would want to go where the withered fetlocks of Jagger and Clapton have been. That’s just wrong.

    It’s a well known fact that the only Frenchwoman exempt from this is Audrey Tautou, and I’ve had her locked away in a shed for several months now. Just to measure the rate of hair growth, you understand. It’s purely for scientific purposes.

  159. Swineshead Says:

    Eps!

    Cocks?

  160. Nick T Says:

    *playfully fingers truck*

  161. Napoleon Says:

    Mr H – I think you’re mistaking French women for German women. That set of Teutonic swine are hairier than an angora rabbit wot’s just inherited his dad’s angora sweater business.

  162. Mr H Says:

    Sorry Mr Perry, but I have been to Kaiserland and can state, quite categorically, that there is no such thing as a German woman.

    There are German men, and there are German men in dresses.

    Fact.

  163. Napoleon Says:

    So how do you explain the existence of my half-German other half and her entirely-German mother, Mr. H?

  164. Mr H Says:

    I’d be getting a doctor in to examine the goods and explain the situation to you with words involving balls, cocks and why your bottom pains you so much.

  165. Napoleon Says:

    After nine years with my other half, I can confirm there are no cocks or balls nestling in her knickers. Well I assume there aren’t – as a committed Christian, I won’t be able to come to a proper conclusion until our wedding night …

  166. Mr H Says:

    And by then it’ll be too late, as (s)he will be entitled to half your oxen, will be legally English, and will be allowed to import all her German relatives under EEC Directive 08A/7589/C12 –

    Regulations Pertaining To The Destruction Of England And All Her Inhabitants, We’ll Teach Them For Kicking Our Arses In Two World Wars, Ein Reich, Ein Volk, Ein Fuhrer, Sorry I Meant To Say Turnip Growing Quotas In The Balkans, Can You Take That Bit Out Fritz, We Don’t Want Anyone To Know What We’re Up To.

    And then where will we be Perry? The Greater Fatherland, that’s where. And you will wear lederhosen and join an oompah band. You bastard.

  167. Napoleon Says:

    Mr. H – I can’t be bothered to reply to your waffle, as you are clearly brain-damaged. Instead, I’ll simply say that I think AC/DC are a big pile of shit.

  168. Mr H Says:

    Which translates as I Win.

    You will be pleased to know that due to the impact of the credit crunch, the internet is now closed on Wednesdays up here in Scotchland, so you can go back to playing with yourselves in my absence.

    Aw ra best.

  169. Napoleon Says:

    It comes as no surprise that Scotchland can’t keep the internet running seven days a week. That’s what happens when you discover large stocks of oil and gas in your waters, yet don’t have the foresight to win a battle at Culloden that would have allowed you to keep the profits from their sale.

    *bathes in stolen Scotch crude oil*

  170. Swineshead Says:

    This has all got far too intellectual for me. Can we talk about the gorgeous David Van Day again please?

  171. Napoleon Says:

    Him off of Dollar? What’s he been up to?

  172. Nick T Says:

    The only news I know of the DVD is what I heard on the Adam & Joe podcast. Including the DVD acronym

  173. Swineshead Says:

    He’s been in the jungle with the rest of the bankrupt bastards on ITV. He looks like he’s been varnished these days. Still quite a hunk, mind you.

    Do you have fond memories of DvD, Nappers?

  174. Nick T Says:

    Enter this address (it’s where my friend Charlie lives) into Google maps Calle del Amparo, 54, 28012, Madrid, Spain
    Then click on the little yellow man symbol.
    Prepare to be amazedafied.

    May not work in Scotland…

  175. Napoleon Says:

    Not especially, Swineshead. I remember he was in an advert once when he was running a burger van. I can’t remember any of his music.

    So he’s doing that gubbins, is he? Eating insects and what-have-you? Not really my cup of tea, that. I prefer to watch muscular young women pumping iron on YouTube these days.

  176. Napoleon Says:

    I typed in that address. What am I meant to be amazedafied at?

  177. Swineshead Says:

    Links please Nappers – I’ve a 2 hour ‘research window’ when I get in.

  178. Nick T Says:

    zoom in and click on the yellow man symbol at the top of the zoom in thing

  179. Napoleon Says:

    http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=kbb_Oh-w7U0

    http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=jl5iCqCB-j8&feature=related

    http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=pvAcjn8api4&feature=related

    FILL YOUR BOOTS

  180. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – I did that and got a street view. What am I meant to be looking at? That old bag on the balcony?

  181. Nick T Says:

    If that’s your thing. I haven’t seen this type of view on google maps before. Thought it was amazing. You obviously are not impressed.
    I’ll carry on playing with me trunk

  182. Clarry Says:

    DvD is a plonker. I think he’s coming across better (although still clearly deranged) than he did after the whole Bucks Fizz fiasco and the Reborn in the USA shite.

    Bearing that in mind read this:

    ‘In May 2007, Van Day stood as Conservative candidate for Brighton & Hove city council in the East Brighton ward. He was unsuccessful. Controversy arose during his campaign when he made jokes about The Brighton and Hove Actually Gay Men’s Chorus at a Valentine’s Day charity fundraising dinner, then claimed that those who complained were “stupid”. He publicly supported the reintroduction of the death penalty. After pressure from David Cameron he subsequently apologised for his comments, likening himself to Jonathan Ross.’

    *IS AMAZED*

  183. ugeine Says:

    I didn’t get a street view.:( All I got was a little yellow dude I could move around like a monopoly piece.

  184. Swineshead Says:

    *is also amazed*

    Good lord.

  185. Napoleon Says:

    Didn’t anyone else know about Street View? It’s been around for a while now. There’s tonnes of America photographed. London’s being done at the moment.

  186. Swineshead Says:

    Sorry – I was amazed by the reported antics of David VD what came courtesy of Clarry

  187. Nick of the T Says:

    There’s a place called America?

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