NewsGush: Leotards on!



He’s back!

This January, GMTV is stepping up to tackle Britain’s growing obesity problem with the UK’s biggest ever health challenge. And helping the breakfast TV station is a familiar face – Mr. Motivator is back and he means business.

I can’t contain myself.

I must check if my all-in-one spandex bodysuit is still at the bottom of the wardrobe. I can’t wait to tackle my weight, get back in motion and shift this enormous paunch with the help of Mr. M.

Imagine him doing a sex on Mad Lizzy


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65 Responses to “NewsGush: Leotards on!”

  1. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    That is a fantastic press release. Had me rolling in the aisles. In the church where I squat.

  2. Edna Welthorpe Says:

    Can a man called Derek really save us all from ourselves?

  3. Swineshead Says:

    Yes. Yes, he can.

    *stuff bakewell slice up own arsehole*

  4. extremelisteningmode Says:

    I bow to no-one in my admiration for Mr. Motivator. I’m motivated already.

  5. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    He knew how to treat a woman:

  6. Swineshead Says:

    I’m beyond motivated. I’m aggravated.

  7. Do I not like that! Says:

    I listen to R4 in the morning so this will not affect me.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    JQW – that clip is genuinely arousing.
    Something about the opening shot, how Des is leaning over Shirl.

    *cold shower*

  9. Swineshead Says:

    Mikey’s schedule:

    Wake up
    Radio 4
    Italian Job

  10. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    7:30 onwards is surreal. Derrick, forehead sweaty, places his hand on Shirley’s crotch as she strains her taut stomach, telling her he’s had such a good time while she sings.

  11. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    7:30 onwards is surreal. Derrick, forehead sweaty, places his hand on Shirley’s crotch as she strains her taut stomach, telling her he’s had such a good time while she sings.

  12. Swineshead Says:

    Even though Shirley’s about 102, I’d still let her kiss me.

    *waits for timer to buffer to 7.30*

  13. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Argh, bloody wordpress!

  14. Swineshead Says:

    Someone put this in the Youtube comments:

    This was a first for me. I have never seen Shirley interact with a fellow Black Briton on TV. I have seen her exclusively with Caucasians. This was a refreshing change. Thanks for sharing.

    I was certainly refreshed.

  15. Do I not like that! Says:

    The schedule:

    Box squats
    8×2@265 w/chains

    8×1@325 w/chains

    Lat pull

    Glute Ham Raise

    GHR situps

  16. Swineshead Says:

    Please find me more clips of Derek assaulting old women.

  17. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    You would have thought there’d be enough sad cases on youtube to upload more of the same, but bizarrely not. Here’s his 1994 Radion ad though:

  18. Swineshead Says:

    Ack – far too many upskirt angles in that one.

  19. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Gone quiet in here. So who would win out of two squirrels fighting when one has only one leg and the other only has one arm?

  20. Swineshead Says:

    Squirrels don’t have arms. They’ve got four legs. I think.

  21. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    But those two front ones are puny and arm-like. I’d say one arm. A squirrel relies on its nimble legs for its agility. Its arms are a bit feeble, maybe only useful for picking up nuts and chewing them. I’d predict this:
    Leggy would bounce around dangerously, Army would push him over with his arm, causing Leggy to lose balance and fall on the floor. Next Army would hold Leggy down with his one arm and proceed to bite Leggy’s head into oblivion.

  22. Napoleon Says:

    The front legs double as arms, don’t they? ‘Larms’?

  23. piqued Says:


  24. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Ask Shirley Bassey.

  25. Napoleon Says:

    A penis?

  26. piqued Says:


  27. Swineshead Says:

    Shirley Bassey, a Squirrel with one larm and Mr Motivator’s penis.

    What a brilliant day this has turned out to be.

  28. piqued Says:

    Christmas: three weeks today


  29. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve already bought all the presents I need to buy. All I need to get now is some egg-nog, a packet of Matchmakers and a box of Fig Newtons.

  30. Swineshead Says:

    All my presents are purchased, thank Christ.

  31. Swineshead Says:

    Have you got a cadburys selection box?
    Or have you cleverly just bought a mars, twix, twirl and flake individually for a cheaper price?

  32. Napoleon Says:

    Obviously Piqued’s not got round to it as he’s been too busy wanking over motorbikes.

  33. Napoleon Says:

    I never buy selection boxes. I’ve bought one of those gimungous tins of Quality Street, a double pack of After Eights, a big box of Jaffa Cakes, a biscuit selection tin and some York Fruits. They’re calling me from the kitchen cupboard as I write …

  34. Swineshead Says:

    What’ve you got your Mum?

  35. piqued Says:

    I’ve done some, a bit

  36. Swineshead Says:

    I’m cooking a goose this year.
    Can you imagine?
    A bloody goose.

    I don’t even know what a goose looks like.

  37. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I’ve not started yet. It’s my own fault and it’s going to be a nightmare.

  38. Napoleon Says:

    A 19″ computer monitor screen. Festive, eh?

  39. piqued Says:

    I do like a York Fruits when it’s a home

  40. Napoleon Says:

    I cooked a goose a few years back. They’re very fatty. I’m having a chicken this year as I decided yesterday I don’t actually like turkey all that much.

  41. Swineshead Says:

    My Mum’s getting a foot massager. I never know what to get my Mum.

  42. Swineshead Says:

    JQW – you’re a student, student’s don’t have to buy anyone anything. It’s the law.

  43. Napoleon Says:

    York Fruits are lovely. They’re one of those things I love, yet only ever eat at Christmas. The same goes for little sausages wrapped in bacon and After Eight mints. I have no idea why this is.

  44. Napoleon Says:

    My stepfather usually rings me up to tell me what my mother wants. I always agree without considering the cost, then am horrified to discover the price. Last year it was an external hard drive that cost more than I wanted to fucking spend.

    I got my stepfather a pruning saw. The thing looks fucking lethal.

  45. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Goose is nice, takes bloody ages to cook though. Save the fat and do potatoes in it.

  46. Napoleon Says:

    Thinking about it, I might have a bison for my Christmas dinner.

  47. piqued Says:

    ‘York Fruits are lovely. They’re one of those things I love, yet only ever eat at Christmas. The same goes for little sausages wrapped in bacon and After Eight mints. I have no idea why this is.’

    Possibly something to do with not wanting to wind up like a half-ton spatchcock with a UK Living TV crew filming you shitting blood into a colostomy bag?

  48. Nick T Says:

    I bought my daughter an pink iPod. I will be champion father.

    I hate the term spandex, it’s lycra L Y C R A

  49. Napoleon Says:

    Nah. I think I just forget when it’s not Christmas.

    *flicks on UKTV Living*

  50. piqued Says:

    I’m going to remind you all next year to see what happens

    *buys shares in UK TV Living*

  51. Napoleon Says:

    No you won’t. Your altzheimer’s will make you forget before this year’s out, let alone the next. YOU OLD FOOL.

  52. piqued Says:

    Don’t be so repompulous you, er, daffodils…

    All over the meadow when I was a little girl. Mother always said they’d come back and they never did. That Mr. Hitler, ooh he was a right so and so but he had the right idea about the Jews. I never could stand them, all red than dead this and Stanley Holloway that.

    *quietly tinkles*

    She’s been stealing my stollen

  53. Napoleon Says:


  54. piqued Says:


  55. ugeine Says:

    *puts Anthrax under Kremble’s rock*

    *waits for the slithering sound with a knife, fork and plate*

  56. Swineshead Says:

    Doesn’t Anthrax kill you quite slowly?

  57. ugeine Says:

    Oh, he’s a chemist now.

  58. ugeine Says:

    Just kidding, I know nothing.

    *replaces anthrax with cyanide(?)*

  59. Swineshead Says:

    Cyanide’s the opposite – just getting it on your hands could kill you.

    Just use window-cleaner or something.

  60. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    If you had a cut, yes. Anthrax kills more slowly, but it’s much more deadly. I remember the figure being that the anthrax powder that would cover a 5p piece is enough to kill a million people.

  61. Swineshead Says:

    You wouldn’t really want to eat anyone who’d recent been poisoned though, would you?

    I wouldn’t.

  62. ugeine Says:

    That was probably the single worst plan I’ve ever come up with in my life.

    He didn’t even show up!

    *dies of anthrax and cyanide poisoning*

  63. indy Says:

    anthrax is just sooo 2001. do you remember the anthrax scare? terrorists sending anthrax by mail. in sweden we had about 8-10 cases of anthrax attacks reported and the cost for those paranoid f*ckers apparently ended up at approx £10 000 after being sent to laboratories. i demand that these people are to be named and shamed. the swedish state however, refuses to hand out the names…

  64. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    “You wouldn’t really want to eat anyone who’d recent been poisoned though, would you?

    I wouldn’t.”

    You might if you were a werezombie.

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