Eastenders – 10.12.08

by

Eastenders bosses saw sense, eventually. Rather than drag out the paedophile story until Christmas day for a freaky, festive finale, they opted to have Tony leg it a couple of weeks early. They also spared child-of-the-damned Lauren from his sneaky clutches, mercifully. Not sure how, but Lauren manages to be a realistic character, despite the fact the girl who plays her is somewhat dead around the eyes. Saying that, having your Dad cheating on your Mum with a girl less than half his age and then having your Uncle shack up with Mum as soon as she’s separated, dated an ex-squaddie half her age and tried to bury Dad alive in an urban forest, I suppose your senses might be a little numb.

Tony went out with a bang in an episode focused on Pat’s house. For one of the poorest threads in Eastenders history, it was surprising that the game was upped and the revelation episode was, in fact, genuinely affecting. If you didn’t see it, you won’t believe it, but Patsy Palmer – that shouting, rust-headed, walking mardy put in a bravura performance for once in her life. Bianca and Whitney’s interactions were horrifically believable, and Tony’s blank-faced nastiness went down well too.

I say ‘went down well’, but that’s hardly the right phrase. The thirty minutes left the audience nauseous as Bianca had what was occurring spelled out to her multiple times. When Tony’s amusing attempts to wriggle free failed (causing a cheer in my house), Bianca ran to the toilet to vomit copiously, just as I popped a roast potato into my mouth. Don’t they realise this is tea-time telly?

When Bianca pleaded with Tony, asking her to reveal if he’d touched little Tiff, he stalled when asked ‘why not?’. I can’t have been alone in wondering if he was going to specify the girl’s hair colour as the reason for his not advancing on her. It was even possible that he might have used the ‘Paedogedden’ reason given by Simon Pegg on Chris Morris’s Brass Eye special that he simply ‘didn’t fancy her’, but he left it, vaguely, at ‘that wouldn’t be my style’.

Making light of it is easy, so I’ll stop as this was actually a moving episode. Bianca’s character reacted exactly as the audience has come to expect – at first entirely selfishly and then, ultimately, believably sympathetic. It reminded us why she’s got such a strong role in a leading soap.

Tony was chased off at the end after making a crucial but mistimed return to the scene of the crime to pick up his passport and it’s genuinely good to see the back of him. At first the whole plotline was little short of comical, before turning more credible as Tony began to ‘go off’ his young prey as he watched her mature.

Despite Chris Coghill’s good showing, I’m glad we can move on from the era in which Eastenders became Beastenders.

All that revolting conversation at a time when me and the missus are settling down to dinner. What kind of time’s that to be airing such nastiness?

It’s a bloody disgrace.

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59 Responses to “Eastenders – 10.12.08”

  1. Napoleon Says:

    Well I’m pleased to see the back of that chimpanzee. Was this abruptly brought to an end thanks to pressure, d’ye think? Or did the writers finally come to their senses and realise what a fucking awful storyline this was?

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Who knows? At least they ended it the right way.

    Was he actually simian then?

  3. Napoleon Says:

    He certainly seemed that way. I expected him to start pounding the ground and puffing out his cheeks every time he came on screen.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    With a baby in his arms.

    I like the way he got the job at the youth-centre (eyes lit up when he heard about the position in one amusing scene) so easily. Completely unbelievable. Could only have been worse if it was a bloody creche.

  5. Napoleon Says:

    I would have preferred it if he had looked like Nosferatu in a top hat and tail-coat. Creeping around Albert Square with his claws outstreteched, casting shadows across children’s bedrooms and cackling like a demon.

    And wearing glasses. Like Dave.

  6. piqued Says:

    NC that reminded me of a Sherlock Holmes story, can’t recall which one

  7. extremelisteningmode Says:

    I didn’t realise anyone still watched EastEnders. I thought it was a remnant of the 90’s, like when you see Sunny Delight in some corner shop. Just assumed it had died on its arse.

  8. Napoleon Says:

    ELM – Yes, because it’s extremely obscure nowadays, ain’t it? Stuck out there in the scheduling hinterland that is four times a week on prime-time BBC1. YOU WEIRDO.

  9. ugeine Says:

    Only soap I have ever watched was a 2 year obsessive neighbours stint. I can’t say I’ve watched more then three episodes of the others combined.

  10. piqued Says:

    Sherlock Holmes??

    Hello?

    *waves*

  11. ugeine Says:

    *waves*

  12. Swineshead Says:

    People are extraordinarily snobbish towards the Beasts of the East.

    And they probably all watch it on the sly.

  13. Napoleon Says:

    Not me. I watch it just before Holby and that rubbish Survivors programme.

  14. Swineshead Says:

    You’re an inverted snob, Nappers, that much is clear I’d say.

  15. ugeine Says:

    I’m not snobby about it, I just don’t watch soaps.

  16. Napoleon Says:

    Isn’t an inverted snob a common oik?

  17. Swineshead Says:

    Not necessarily…

    Anyway, I am also proud of my Eastenders habit and love of chicken kievs. They are not guilty pleasures.

  18. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve decided I’m human, by the way.

  19. ugeine Says:

    Chicken Keivs, they are a food fit for a mid level Champions League team. Very tasty. I’m going through a pasta bake thing at the moment.

  20. ugeine Says:

    I sorted that out. I phoned the killers and explained to them that ‘human’ and ‘dancer’ aren’t mutually exclusive terms.

  21. Napoleon Says:

    Are they not? Bugger! That’s been driving me mad for a week. I thought you had to take sides, see?

  22. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Again, Napoleon, I didn’t think in this multimedia age and all that ‘prime time BBC 1’ meant that much anymore.

    I think it’s great that there are still people like you and my Mum who live their lives round the telly. It’s very retro.

  23. ugeine Says:

    It’s these bloody pop artists that’s the problem, NP. I spent ages trying to chase pavements; turned out that they reamin still most of the time, and require little if any chasing.

  24. Napoleon Says:

    ELM – BARB’s latest viewing figure for EastEnders is 9.7 million. That’s still a hell of a lot of folk. And what’s this ‘living your life round the telly’ shit? I watch TV for a few hours in the evening, like most people do.

  25. piqued Says:

    I never watch the electronic television, one prefers the wireless

    *sips sherry*

    *fondles dog*

  26. extremelisteningmode Says:

    I just don’t feel that EE – or any soap now – has the cultural impact they did when I was a kid. Back in the day you could stop anybody on the street and they could name characters. I don’t think that’s the case now. 9.7m is a helluva lot of people, definitely, but didn’t it used to regularly do 20-25m?

  27. ugeine Says:

    9 million out 0f 60 million. It’s still nearly a sixth of the population of Britain.

  28. piqued Says:

    ELM, TV was a different animal back then, there were only 3 channels until the 80’s, then 4, then 5, then fucking hundreds

  29. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Absolutely, that’s what I meant when I said I thought EE didn’t do as much in the multimedia age.

    I just don’t think it’s as ingrained in the national conciousness as it once was. All soaps, to be honest.

    The last really big thing I remember was Dierdre going to jail, and that’s got to be a decade at least.

  30. Napoleon Says:

    Well I’m rather pleased with m’self. I managed to just scrape into grammar school by scoring nine out of fifteen in my eleven plus …

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/7773974.stm

    It’s them maths ones that fuck me up.

  31. piqued Says:

    You did 11 plus?

    I didn’t. I’VE BEEN FUCKING CHEETEDESED

  32. Napoleon Says:

    I did it when I was eleven, and I’ve just done did it again courtesy of the BBC. I believe I got a better score twenty two years ago, sadly.

  33. Mr H Says:

    We had that television up here once. But then they went and allowed Scotch people onto the screen. River City! RIVER FUGGIN CITY! Telly went oot the windae. For the best, really. Next thing you know, we would have got Channel 5 and everything. And that would be just wrong. Mind you, I missed my weekly knock off to Carol Smillie on Postcode Challenge. So I now I just go on as a contestant every week, pretending to be Erchie McGlumpher fae KA22, and do it in present. I think she’s quite flattered.

  34. Napoleon Says:

    No doubt Mr. H’s words made perfect sense to anyone who spends their days eating their own children in a cave in the Hebrides.

  35. Mr H Says:

    Well you’ve got to fill in the time somehow.

    For those unacquainted with the incestuous child killing world of the Scotch, River City is our very own, hour long BBC soap opera;
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/scotland/tv/rivercity/

    And Postcode Challenge is our very own lottery show, where Carol Smillie asks a bunch of folk who live in the same street, some very tricky questions along the lines of;

    Is the sky;
    a) blue
    2) blue, or
    iii) blue

    If you get all the questions right, you get to share (note, share) £25000 pounds with your four team mates. And when you can get more of the dole, it hardly seems worth the humiliation.

    Unless humiliation with Carol Smillie is your thing.
    http://www2.stv.tv/content/tv/postcode_challenge/

    Good job we breed like rabbits.

  36. Mr H Says:

    Mr H Says: Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Banditing bandits from the banditing bandit place.

  37. Nick of the T Says:

    I hate East of Enders.
    If i want to see families being vile to each other, I go to Asda.
    I’ve been out in gods cuntryside cutting down trees.
    Anyone ever played with Garageband?
    It’s great for makinga da podcasts. I’ve found all the bits that A & J use.

  38. Nick of the T Says:

    Cunts

    http://uk.news.yahoo.com/5/20081210/tuk-city-bans-swearing-on-the-street-45dbed5.html

  39. Mr H Says:

    “Don’t Pee Anti-Social”

    Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

  40. piqued Says:

    Gracious me, it’s a telling sign of our times when young people have to be reminded not to use bad language in public

    I say don’t remind ’em, Ling Chi ’em!

  41. Nick of the T Says:

    I’m sure it will be a great success. Drunk people always pay attention to signs

  42. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Indeed Nick, if history tells us anything, it’s that telling teenagers not to do something will cause an immediate cessation of that behaviour.

  43. ugeine Says:

    Quality of life arrests, must be an election on.

  44. ugeine Says:

    that was a quote from the wire, just in case.

  45. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Our Government are simply marvellous at working legislation which tickles at the margins and does very little to solve actual problems.

    As, to be fair, most Governments throughout history are.

  46. indy Says:

    elm: that’s the difference between dictator and elected government. it’s all about legislation in democracy, isn’t it.

  47. indy Says:

    human vs dancer, mentioned earlier:

    that line always reminds me of the mighty boosh episode “mutants” when the kids are being greated by bob fossil: “hi kids, i’m bob fossil and i am a human”

  48. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Indy, yes, this is us being represented. Lucky old us!

  49. Clarry Says:

    Re: Eastenders – I thought it was creepy when Whitney asked jug-ears why he didn’t want her to run away with him and he said it was because they were over and that ‘she wasn’t ‘special’ anymore’. Yuk!

    Naps – I’ve done my test and I scored 14/15!

    Also N, I dun wotched a prog ‘Extreme Marksmen’ on History Channel (your fave) the other night about sharpshooting. Did you see it? WOWEE

  50. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – I didn’t see that. Was it on at the same time as Britain’s Hardest Villages? If so, I was watching Britain’s Hardest Villages.

  51. ugeine Says:

    Chapel Brampton was at one, I presume.

    *flexes*

    search for a group called 180 Gs myspace – utterly, utterly, brilliant.

  52. Clarry Says:

    Don’t know if it clashed with BHV or not – but it’s worth seeing if repeated. This one guy could flip a washer up in the air and shoot clean through the middle of it without touching the sides. He could also throw 8 clays in the air and shoot half of them, switch guns and shoot the rest. There was another guy who could shoot a pistol faster than a machine gun.

    I’m not into guns AT ALL but this was kewl.

    *continues to be amazed*

  53. Kremble Says:

    *slinks out from under rock*

    not bothered.

    no way.

    nooooowaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy.

    alrighty then.

    *slinks back under rock*

  54. Dave Says:

    Watch Coronation Street instead. It’s set and shot in Manchester rather than shitty, irrelivant London town.

  55. Napoleon Says:

    I thought it was set in Salford?

  56. ugeine Says:

    Friday question: are we humans, or are we dancers?

  57. colinr Says:

    Hello, long time reader, first time commenter.

    I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy makes a surprise return to the Square for the annual misery fest that is the Christmas special, so don’t breath a sigh of relief just yet!

  58. timm Says:

    Bev Callard is the Busty Babe in Cora St
    Emily Symonds is the Busty Babe in Emmerdale
    Just wondering who qualifies in East Enders ?
    any suggestions ?

  59. Swineshead Says:

    Shirl.

    Oh – I thought you said ‘concave witch’.

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