The Friday Question: At Home On The Box


Last night, watching Eastenders (which is 100 times better than Coronation Street), I pretended I was an omniscient being floating from room to room and spying on the inhabitants of Albert Square like some spectre from the realm of reality. It was weird.

It got me to thinking, however. I began to ponder, which fictional TV world I’d move to if I was given the chance. Also – what kind of character would I be if I lived there… how would I fit in to the plot?

Would I move to the Chester of Hollyoaks, to be amongst the attractive 19 year old idiots? Would my part be that of a bungling shopkeeper?

Would I, perhaps, move to Wetherby so I could snooze my way through life in the 60s as the local drunk, occasionally receiving a harsh word from Nick Berry or whoever plays Heartbeat these days.

Would I move to the Baltimore portrayed in the Wire and be an overweight, cynical and obese cop with flatulence, an eating disorder and porn addiction?

It’s worth thinking about. For a bit.

So – which fictional word would YOU inhabit, and what character would you play?

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68 Responses to “The Friday Question: At Home On The Box”

  1. ugeine Says:

    I would be in New Jersey, serving under the reign of the Soprano crew. Of course, my retro tinged guinea masculinity would be best suited here, plus it would give me a chance to try out my Italian American accent; saying ‘oooooooh!’ at everything in Rothersthorpe makes you look more like a fool. I’d probably be a taxpayer and degenerate gambler, who the Sopranos bleed dry and then discard like a blood donor bag.

  2. Jo Says:

    I would of course be in Sex and the City, except it’d be re-located in London, possibly East, in the fictional town of Walford. Then I’d go and have a fight with Stacey ‘daan the stall because I’d be the new glamourous one who all the boys fancy.

    Where is Stacey these days anyway?

  3. Swineshead Says:

    The only character who fits the bill, Jo, is that one who married Den who had hair like a blonde spaniel.

    Stacey’s in Eastenders quarantine, where all the characters go when they’re not needed.

  4. Napoleon Says:

    Billy’s back in there. He didn’t even show his face as a member of Phil ‘n’ Ian’s anti-paedophile alliance.

    Anyway. I would inhabit the magical world of Dr. Snuggles.

  5. ugeine Says:

    What’s that really trippy kids programme with the puppets? That would be sweet.

  6. Swineshead Says:

    Did you have a smoke before work Ugeine? You’re sounding a little bit Bill & Ted.

    Nappers – loved the NOTW-reading members of the Vic grabbing their pitchforks – quality telly that was.

  7. Jo Says:

    I loved the fact that it was Ian Beale leading the troops to battle. Bet jane was left manning the caf all the while. Slave labour, I tell thee.

  8. Napoleon Says:

    No doubt this is all leading to a depressing Christmas showdown between Tony and Bianca’s family. That should be a barrel o’ fucking laffs.

  9. ugeine Says:

    SH: Fraid not, it’d kill me. Though it might have something to do with the vat of industrial strength coffee I’ve got.

  10. Sue De Nymh Says:

    I’d like to be Moosey in Mopatop’s Shop.

  11. Nick of the T Says:

    I’d be a radical environmental warrior in The Archers.


    A character in Dream On…….

  12. Nick of the T Says:


  13. Napoleon Says:


  14. Swineshead Says:

    Definitely not.

    Right, I’m off to debt collect, back later – play nicely y’bastards.

  15. Nick of the T Says:

    Podcast anyone?
    Fresh today….

  16. Napoleon Says:

    No thanks!

  17. ugeine Says:

    Lovely Landsman picture by the way.

  18. Mr H Says:

    I would like to have my brain transplanted into the body of Michelle Trachtenberg in whatever shoddy, B-movie / second rate TV series she is currently inhabiting.

    [imdb check…

    Young Americans – Follow an aimless college grad who pursues his dream girl at a wild Labor Day weekend party. He, his twin sister and their best friend struggle with their burgeoning adulthood over the course of the night.

    Against The Current – Facing the fifth anniversary of his wife’s tragic death, thirty-five-year old Paul Thompson enlists two friends to help him swim the length of the Hudson River

    17 Again – About a guy whose life didn’t quite turn out how he wanted it to and wishes he could go back to high school and change it. He wakes up one day and is seventeen again and gets the chance to rewrite his life.

    …imdb out]


  19. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve never heard of this woman.

    I am back with a panini that looks suspiciously like a squashed baguette now it’s out the wrapping.

    Has anyone here ever been duped by a bread product?

    Come on! Let’s have your bread-based tales of hoodwinkery.

  20. Mr H Says:

    See, this is why this country has gone to hell in a handbasket.

    When I were a lad, there were two types of bread – plain and pan.

    Plain was for hardworking, Godfearing, sons of Albion. Pan was for the unemployed and diseased.

    But. We ruled the World!

    Nowadays, people spend so much time pissing about deciding what kind of rancid Eurobread they want with their flaccid coffee (chicory, people, chicory!), that they’ve become soft and complacement.

    And the Germans are laughing at us, LAUGHING AT US!

    Gits, the lot of you.

  21. Swineshead Says:

    Paninis are nice, you ancient dreck.

    Ugeine – download ‘Brotherhood’ if you’ve not yet seen it. Not quite Wire but ridiculously enjoyable.

  22. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – You should download ‘Doomsday’. Imagine a rip-off of Mad Max crossed with a rip-off of a John Carpenter movie crossed with a rip-off of the Resident Evil films. Then pour shit all over the thing you’re imagining. Hey Presto! Doomsday!

  23. Clarry Says:

    Paninis are squashed baguettes aren’t they? Or am i missing something…

    If I could exist only on thick, stodgy, white bread and potatoes (any style) I would. Dems my faves.

  24. Napoleon Says:

    I’m quite fond of that tiger bread someone was banging on about on ‘ere a while back. Nice bread, that. Much nicer than a squashed baguette with a daft name.

  25. Swineshead Says:

    Tiger bread’s lovely. I could eat sandwiches for every meal..

    *dreams up Danny Wallace style sandwich mission*

  26. Do I not like that! Says:

    PANINI – it is already plural. Panino is the singular, panini is the plural. Do not put an S on the end! (You don’t say Raviolis or Spaghettis!).

  27. ugeine Says:

    SH: Looks quite good. I’ll have a look on the weekend, cheers for the heads up.

    NP: Obviously, I’ve already downloaded that as it is the BEST FILM EVER MADE.

  28. West End Wookie Says:

    i think i’d live in sesame street.

  29. Do I not like that! Says:

    Carol’s last day on Countdown. (Why did they not make her the presenter?). Time moves on.

  30. Nick of the T Says:

    They did not make her the presenter

  31. Do I not like that! Says:

    Agreed Nick! I wonder why they did not make her the presenter?

  32. Swineshead Says:

    Thanks for the correction, Mikey. However, I will call this foreign foodstuff whatever the bloody hell I want. My country, my rules.

    Carol is not the presenter of Countdown. Agreed.

  33. Do I not like that! Says:

    I think she would make a good presenter and would show some sort of career structure.

  34. theredundantgirl Says:

    Tiny Clangers best mate, but not a pink Clanger oh noooo, can’t be doing with being a character made out of pink wool…(goes searching in her knitting bag for some black wool)

  35. Napoleon Says:


  36. extremelisteningmode Says:

    I’d like to be one of the muppets.

  37. Napoleon Says:

    Which one? Is it Dr. Teeth? He was always my favourite.

  38. Nick T Says:

    Is this thing broken?

  39. extremelisteningmode Says:

    I don’t think I’m cool enough to pull off front-line Muppets. Fnarr.

    I mean, obviously I’d want to be Kermit or Fozzie, but they are way out of my league. Though I think I’d make a good Rolf.

    Just so long as I wasn’t Rizzo – pointless and completely overpushed little rat bastard.

  40. Napoleon Says:

    Dr. Teeth wasn’t really ‘front-line’, was he? More background, I reckon. He’s certainly not up there with your big guns such as Gonzo or Scooter.

  41. Nick T Says:


  42. ugeine Says:

    I’d kick a wiked beaker.

  43. ugeine Says:



  44. Napoleon Says:

    I was never that fond of Beaker. Too obvious. Zoot was cool … Zoot and the good Dr. Teeth. And the rest of The Electric Mayhem. They were the real stars of the Muppets as far as I was concerned.

    That said, the Muppets were actually SHIT.

  45. Nick T Says:

    Naw, I loved the muppets. Fraggle Rock was shit

  46. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Absolutely correct Nick.

    The Muppets were quality stuff. Fraggle Rock was just gish.

    Sesame Street somewhere in the middle.

  47. Napoleon Says:

    Have you watched any Muppet Shows recently? I was bought a DVD of The Muppet Show, and it was unwatchable. I ended up giving the DVD to a four year old. Kids are thick as pigshit, and therefore appreciate the juvenile rubbish that is The Muppet Show.

    You dregs know NOTHING.

  48. Nick T Says:

    I wouldn’t watch it again!

    I wouldn’t watch Tales from the Riverbank or Thunderbirds either.

    If I was an 8 year old I wouldn’t watch ‘Buzzcocks.

  49. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Kids ‘liking kids show’ shocker. Adults in ‘not appreciating it as much as when they were kids’ stunner.

  50. Napoleon Says:

    You dogs!

    Anyway, what’s happened to this fucking site? Eh? Is everybody dead?

  51. Napoleon Says:


  52. Nick T Says:

    I think it’s broken.

    Lead Balloon last week.

    I laughed so hard I nearly fell off the couch!

  53. Napoleon Says:

    It’s broken, is it? Hmm …

    I haven’t watched last week’s Lead Balloon yet. I might watch it tonight after I’ve let EastEnders pour shit into my eyes for half an hour.

    You bummers!

  54. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Bummers?! BUMMERS!!!

    I’m so hetero I know who Ross Kemp is and which genre he operates in. FACT.

  55. Napoleon Says:


  56. theredundantgirl Says:

    I wish I didn’t know who the freck Ross Kemp is I mean shite or what?! If that’s the best the British/English male can be well, time this gal skipped over the pond.

  57. Napoleon Says:

    Surely the best a British male can be is someone along the lines of Nelson? Or the plucky British bobby wot felled that evil Brazilian terrorist in that tube station?

  58. ugeine Says:

    Ross Kemp is quite decent when you take him away from his bread earning macho wanktasy programmes such as Special armed whatever.

    And I watched the muppets t’other day, still has me in stitches.

    Weed helps.

  59. ugeine Says:

    If you don’t find that funny, you’re a heartless bastard.

  60. Lord Milky Says:

    Totally unrelated: went on a work do tonight and met Collins. A true gent. WWM was mentioned and he is keen to meet Swineshead in person.

  61. indy Says:

    “which fictional word would YOU inhabit, and what character would you play?”


  62. indy Says:

    anyways. given my usual luck i’d probably end up in a sex and the city episode being used solely for some cheap and unfunny pun for a scene change:

    “carrie was busy cutting the throat of a swede (me). meanwhile, samantha, was enjoying sweed love in her hotel room.”

  63. Nick T Says:

    Phil Collins?

  64. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Best British Role Model off of the telly? That’s a good one.

    Paul Merton. Mr. Spoon. And now that I’m a bummer, Dale Winton – BRING ON THE WALL!

  65. Swineshead Says:

    Sorry for the lack of updates. I’ve a lot on my plate whilst simultaneously having nothing on my plate.

    Collins is keen to meet me, eh? I’d best get my hair cut.

  66. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Who is this Collins and why the fascination?

  67. Swineshead Says:

    Andrew Collins of popular beat combo, Collins and Maconie (he now plays the oldies round working mens’ clubs with Richard Herring on drums).

  68. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Ah, of course. Seems a nice bloke. Loved the Hit Parade back in the day.

    Good line from Herring to him a few weeks back – ‘you have now been the least successful one out of a partnership twice. You are David Baddiel’.

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