Christmas Advertising

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Hmm. I’m not sure which of the Christmas ads would make me turn to crime the quickest.

Is it:

  • The one where Take That are simply having a wonderful Christmas time with that boob Myleene and her chums?
  • The one where that flubber-tongued twerp Jamie Oliver hands out cups of onion and cabbage to a pack of laughing rats in a car park?
  • The one where the increasingly unhinged Kerry Katona hands out the frozen party treats to her friends, her family, a Nolan and that wally, Jason Donovan?
  • The ones that are narrated by the Scotch fella who read out that poem in Four Weddings and a Funeral?
  • The one where the star of The Bitch and The Stud gushes over erotic pictures of salmon?

I just can’t decide. On the one hand, the Sainsbury’s one makes me want to take a sledgehammer to Oliver’s cranium, but on the other, the Iceland one makes me want to chase Kerry through the streets with a dog whip.

But do those advertisements fiil me with as much rage as the Co-Op ones (featuring this year’s most irritating Christmas song after The Feeling’s)? You have to admit, there’s a spine-cracking tensing of the entire muscular system whenever you’re watching the telly and you hear that immortal refrain:

“We me-he-he-he-heet in the wee-hee-hee-hint-her … AND WE FELL IN LOVE.”

Damn it! Where’s my knives?

And yet …

There’s that other one, isn’t there? The one with the toilet roll dogs that has McFly at the end? That one? And let’s not forget those ASDA ones with that bloody ‘It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas’ song that sticks to your brain like a malevolent tumour.

Oh God, and there’s the Des O’Connor one too! And the Richard Hammond one! And the bloody John Lewis one that’s trying to be all classy …

So which of them would drive me to murder? Which ads would I happily go to the gallows over?

Why … the perfume ones, o’course!

ROLL ON JANUARY!

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34 Responses to “Christmas Advertising”

  1. Sue De Nymh Says:

    That perfume one soundtracked by Blondie’s Heart of Glass always makes me laugh at the end where the woman cradles a giant bottle of overpriced pong and gazes at it enraptured as if she’s cradling baby Jeebus himself.

    A couple of the lasses on that ad need a few pies inside ’em, though. They look a bit ill to me…

  2. Edna Welthorpe Says:

    The perfume ones? Like that one for Tweed by Lentheric, with a woman going to a sports day? I miss that one, I do. And I miss the ads for Charlie, which is a great name for a perfume – as Victoria Wood said ‘You don’t want to say “Can I have a spray of your Charlie?’, do you?’

  3. extremelisteningmode Says:

    I’m looking forward to the first ad where the company has the balls to cut to the chase;

    Man in dark suit, looking sad. Standing outside a now defunct Woolworths. Shakes head sadly, trudges away.

    The voiceover says ‘You liked Woolies, didn’t you? But you let it die. Don’t make the same mistake twice. Go to BHS, buy a frock.’

    Then the tagline – ‘BHS – you owe us.’

  4. Nick T Says:

    I like the Toys ‘R Us one voiced by the man from Dirty Fan mail….

  5. Clarry Says:

    What about this shit advert?

    http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=DvldSrhscuo

    First time I saw it I wasn’t fully concentrating and assumed that it was a new stupid programme him and that spoilt twat Charlie Boorman were doing. They should be ashamed of themselves…

  6. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – Without looking, is that link to the Ewan McGregor Davidoff advert? If so, damn you for even mentioning it.

  7. Nick T Says:

    Fantastic Clarry. Some great comments too.
    Just saw CBs Screenwipe on Mission docs.
    I want to piss in front of Koni (?)

  8. Nick T Says:

    “The scent of a dusty BMW”

  9. Clarry Says:

    Isn’t it absolutely fucking dreadful isn’t it NC?

    It’s the cliched pulling of the aftershave from the bag, with the obligatory pause to show the label that really does it for me. It’s about as rubbish as the tissue ads that they made on the Apprentice.

  10. Clarry Says:

    I meant ‘It’s absolutely fucking dreadful isn’t it NC?’ btw

    Yes, isn’t it?

  11. extremelisteningmode Says:

    I’m up for the wazzing in front of Konnie Huq.

  12. Nick T Says:

    Shall wee?

  13. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – It is. I fucking hate that advert.

  14. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Was I the only one left strangely unsettled when she was using the shewee?

  15. Napoleon Says:

    I couldn’t be bothered to watch all of it. I got fed up. Not as fed up as I did with the writer’s special, mind. God, that was drab.

  16. Nick T Says:

    I had a hot flush ELM.

    I hate getting xmas cards from work folk.
    What’s the point?

  17. Swineshead Says:

    Where do you suggest this urine we’re magically going to create is going to come from? You haven’t thought this through. I’ve no idea how wee wee would be created so we could magically piddle in front of the delectable Konnie Huq… I mean – where does it come from…?

    Cocks?

    ELM – your ad idea is actually, in all seriousness, a great concept. You’re wasted on whatever it is you do. Get thee to Saatchi and Saatchi. You big Scottish fool.

  18. Napoleon Says:

    Cocks?

  19. Swineshead Says:

    I thought the writer’s special was bloody good. But then, I am all for motivation tapes and the like being an impressionably fool – so I found it useful rather than entertaining.

    How is it possible Russell T Davies manages to be so wise when the programmes he makes are so bland?

    *controversial*

  20. Swineshead Says:

    I thought exactly the same thing, Nappers. I thought:

    Cocks?

  21. Napoleon Says:

    Must be a case of diffren’ strokes for diffren’ folks, Willis. I found people talking about writing stuff so dull I had to turn it off.

    I agree with you about the other matter, mind.

    Cocks?

  22. extremelisteningmode Says:

    They should let all of us here in the Land of Blog do ads Swineshead. Admittedly they’d only appeal to us and we’d refuse to buy the products out of principle, but still.

  23. extremelisteningmode Says:

    They should let all of us here in the Land of Blog do ads Swineshead. Admittedly they’d only appeal to us and we’d refuse to buy the products out of principle, but still.

    Nick – good. I felt like a pervert. Though I lame society for that. If a man can’t get turned on at the site of an ex-Blue Peter presenter using a simulated dong to have a piss on the telly, when can he?

  24. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Interesting thing in the article when Nap mentioned John Lewis and their shit ads. According to Private Eye, John Lewis agree and are shipping their £20m (!) ad budget elsewhere toot sweet.

  25. Swineshead Says:

    20 mill?? Fuck me. I can’t even remember a single John Lewis ad. They don’t even need to advertise with their reputation (and the fact they charge 200 quid for a pillow)

  26. The Redundant Girl Says:

    Asda Christmas adverts – they are on every five frecking minutes! If they don’t drive Paul O’Grady to insanity they sure as heck, will drive me to it!
    (muttering nasty things about Bing Crosby)

  27. fourstar Says:

    I think you’ll find Myleene has more than one boob.

    No, you’re welcome.

  28. Do I not like that! Says:

    “Fuck me. I can’t even remember a single John Lewis ad.” Swines.

    John Lewis ads, I guess that means Waitrose.

  29. Jo Says:

    It wouldn’t be so bad if the ASDA one was just a long advert that they played once every so often. But it’s not, is it? It’s a 15 second jarring little ditty that they put on every other advert, so you hear that bloody song over, and over and over again. It’s beginning to look a lot like a pain in the arse.

  30. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Spot on Jo. Every twenty seconds – so bloody depressing!!!!!

  31. Napoleon Says:

    Lat night, I side-parted my hair and attached a small rectangle of black tape to my upper lip. I then goose-stepped into the living room singing, ‘I’m beginning to look a lot like Hitler’ to the tune of ‘It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas’.

    I was a bit pissed on brown ale, to be fair.

  32. extremelisteningmode Says:

    That could be a hit.

  33. The Redundant Girl Says:

    Napoleon, you should have videoed that and posted it on the ‘delightful’ You Tube. Bing would have been so proud of you.

  34. colinr Says:

    “That perfume one soundtracked by Blondie’s Heart of Glass always makes me laugh at the end where the woman cradles a giant bottle of overpriced pong and gazes at it enraptured as if she’s cradling baby Jeebus himself.

    A couple of the lasses on that ad need a few pies inside ‘em, though. They look a bit ill to me…”

    That ad was directed by David Lynch, so I often wait for the giant bottle to turn into a monster baby (or the very least for an abusive husband to come down the staircase and brutally beat the women up until they escape into their fantasy world of perfume again!)

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