Willie’s Chocolate Christmas


unbearable oafs

That Willie arsehole (only on TV because he’s mates with Marco Pierre White) gets a Christmas gig, apparently with a hyper-budget, for reasons we can only grasp at like the blind, intolerable worms they consider us to be over at Channel 4.

Channel 4! Home of morons!

Is he sleeping with Isadora Buck-Tooth, the channel controller? Maybe he’s blackmailing the scheduler, Julian Tit? Are ALL the people at Channel 4 complete wankers?

So Willie, who apparently sells a chocolate lozenge for a living (big bloody deal), gets some people over so he can show off his enormous house, nauseating offspring and revolting wife.

His wife deserves special attention, as it happens, as she’s an example of all that is wrong with this particular class of brainless, born-rich, constantly-on-the-box bastard. She’ so proud of her lobotomised husband and the father of her dribbling kids that she spends the entire episode talking about just how crazy they are, how life is so tough but so much FUN!

She goes about proving just how gruelling her life is by spending the whole hour busy making goodie bags for 20 locals. It’s hardly spending a 15 hour day at the pit. Judging by the size of their manor, life must be a real fucking slog. ‘Boo’. And, indeed, ‘hoo’.

Later on they again demonstrate that money is tight, by cooking an entire fucking lamb for dinner. And, being a ‘crazy madman’, Willie cooks the lamb underground. Just as we’ve seen the Hairy Bikers do before. Just as we’ve seen on TV before, umpteen times.

Apparently, he keeps telling us, this is the first time he’s cooked for his family all year and it feels so cosy to be back for Christmas. At this point, the viewer can’t help wondering why he’d invited a fucking camera crew along, if he wanted the proposed quality time with his family.

Are these people complete unfeeling chancers – prepared to film even the most intimate or private family occasions? Do none of these idiots – Nigella, Jamie and the rest – realise that we see through this pathetic illusion and know full well that they filmed their sentimental, elaborately expensive schedule-grout in October?

I genuinely reckon that they think we believe it’s Christmas because they said it is. They think those of us with a gravel drive instead of a garden will start re-laying it so we can stick a dead sheep under it to cook. They think we’re going to start calling our beef stews ‘tagines’ and they think we’re actually going to make chilli popcorn at some point in our lives.

They can get fucked.

Happy Christmas.

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92 Responses to “Willie’s Chocolate Christmas”

  1. Clarry Says:

    Willie’s wife really is intolerable. A right nagging bitch.

    Nigella is the worst with those ridiculously contrived ‘midnight snack’ scenes at the end. Does the camera crew reside in her kitchen every night in the hope that the little piggy will pop down for a gourmet snack? YEAH RIGHT!

    And what is it with Jamie Oliver and these snack boards? He needs killing.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Why is Willie on the TV? Is it purely his mop of hair and the fact he likes to take his shirt off?

    They might as well just put Wrestling on.

  3. Edna Welthorpe Says:

    Wrestling! Giant Haystacks V Willie In Chocolate! Quick, call ITV2!!

  4. Nick of the T Says:

    He’s on TV because

    A) Knows the right people

    B) is posh

    I have a hard time hating Jamie Oliver.

    He does appear to be hated a lot and I just don’t get it.

    Ramsey is a bullying knob end and wants to be hated.

  5. Napoleon Says:

    Do you edit this piece during a particularly difficult bout of diarrhoea, Swineshead?

    Anyway, I didn’t see this show as both my Radio Times and the onscreen TV guide recognised how evil this programme was and, as in the bit in Raiders of the Lost Ark where the holiness of the Ark of the Covenant destroys the evil swastika of Nazism, replaced the name of the show with a giant, heaven-sent burn. It was hidden from me by God himself, and thus mine eyes have been unsullied by this chocolate man and his awful wife, yea verily.

  6. Napoleon Says:

    ‘Did’ – that first bit should have read ‘Did’, not ‘Do’.

    You turds!

  7. Swineshead Says:

    I continually edit it, Nappers. Have been since November.

    Good turn out today, eh what?

  8. Napoleon Says:

    Certainly is, hey hey!

    To be fair, most people have buggered off for Christmas early this year, what with the Credit Crunch and all that jazz.

    And they’re all turds.

  9. Clarry Says:

    Hooray – some people to talk to! Very lonely in the office today…

  10. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – Afternoon. I hope you’ve got Mr. Clarry the regulation amount of socks for Christmas this year, have you? You wouldn’t want to miss out on that special look of utter disappointment on his face come Christmas morning, after all.

  11. Clarry Says:

    Afternoon NC.

    No, no socks for Mr Clarry. I entered a parallel universe of nerds to get his main present.

  12. Clarry Says:

    P.S Willie looks like an evil killer in the picture above.

  13. Napoleon Says:

    Nerds, eh? Dave territory. Is it limited editon, platinum collection DVD box sets you wouldn’t get tuppence for the minute you get ’em out of the shop for Mr. Clarry this year then?

    I want an AK-47.

  14. Swineshead Says:

    I reckon for figs.

  15. Swineshead Says:

    Talking of box-sets, I’m currently bum-deep in Brotherhood, another American drama series that goes on forever and is ace.

  16. Clarry Says:

    No, I got him an A4 Pacific steam train. 100 fucking quids!

  17. Napoleon Says:

    Figs as a present? I’d be ungratefully enraged to unwrap a packet of figs on Christmas Day, quite honestly. Almost as much as I was at unwrapping my eighth parcel of socks last year.

  18. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – A train, eh? One of those you have to glue together, or ready made?

    Swineshead – ‘Brotherhood’? And will I hear about that as much as I heard about ‘The (fucking) Wire’ and ‘Gavin & (fucking) Stacey’ this year? If so, consider it banished forever from my eyeballs.

  19. Clarry Says:

    I remember one year my ex-boyf actually bought me a tin of hula hoops. I don’t even like crisps. Needless to say I wasn’t too chuffed at the time, but saw the funny side the next day.

  20. Clarry Says:

    For 100 squids I expect the thing to be ready glued. It is actually quite nice – what a stupid/expensive hobby?

  21. Napoleon Says:

    I own one (1) box set, which is the Python movies. I used to own the Curb and Rome box sets, but I sold ’em on eBay for no reason whatsoever.

  22. Swineshead Says:

    Who doesn’t like crisps? Only mad people.

  23. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – If I was your other half, I’d buy you:

    A Hoover
    A set of pans
    A food blender
    Some scouring pads

  24. Clarry Says:

    A tin of Hula Hoops for christmas? That I could buy myself any day of the week, should I so wish? Cristmas is for wants not needs.

  25. Napoleon Says:

    I love crisps. The only crisps I didn’t care for were those ill-fated Brannigan’s Lamb ‘n’ Mint flavour ones. They were ‘orrible.

  26. Clarry Says:

    Aw gee NC – how did you guess?

    Plus I think that a food blender is perhaps slightly inappropriate as that would possibly save me time and/or reduce my misery whilst slaving in the kitchen. What about some blunt knives instead?

  27. Napoleon Says:

    I have a knack with women, Clarry. I know the quickest wat to their hearts is to buy them a piece of kitchen equipment, then demand they get my bloody dinner on.

    As for a food blender? It’s an ideal present for a lady! What if I want something blended quickly? I can hardly expect to sit there at the table holding a knife and fork indefinitely just because you’re in the kitchen buggering about with blunt knives, can I?

  28. Clarry Says:

    Well, when you put it that way NC…

    SO what have you got Mrs NC?

  29. Napoleon Says:

    What have I got my other half? Why, a microwave oven, a chopping board and a Vileda Supermop, o’course! I reckon I’m definitely on a promise come Christmas morning with that little lot under the tree!

    It’ll no doubt be socks and presentation whiskey bottles for me. And socks.

  30. Clarry Says:

    Why don’t you throw a tin of Hula Hoops into the mix too? All your christmases will come at once NC!!

  31. Napoleon Says:

    You reckon I should? Aren’t tins of crisps a bit dear? Surely one o’ those six packs you get from ASDA’s will suffice?

    I’ve known ‘er nine years, Clarry. No need to go overboard.

  32. Do I not like that! Says:

    Hi Clarry..is the loco you mention “Mallard”. (Keep it quiet but I like the old train sets too).

  33. Clarry Says:

    Go mad and blow the whole budget on a high quality tin of crisps. My other half (at the time) felt so confident that i’d be delighted with his fine purchase, that he didn’t feel the need to bother with anything else.

  34. Clarry Says:

    Yes DINLT Рwanted to get him a live steam one but we are trying to stick to a budget this year. I also got him a signal box, a platform and a ticket booth. My aunty makes the really high-end scenery (£20 a tree) and is doing him a load of stuff too.

    Why Ambassador, you are really spoiling us!

  35. Napoleon Says:

    Sounds like a man after my own heart. I was similarly confident when I presented a previous sweetheart with a four pack of Scotch Eggs for Valentine’s Day. Well you’ve never heard such bad language coming out of a woman’s mouth …

  36. Do I not like that! Says:

    I do like the A4 Pacifics but as my railway is Southern Region it would look a bit incongruous. I doubt Miss Mikey would get me “Evening Star”, indeed the railway is a bit of a sticky issue between us. I am glad that there are women like you Clarry who understand mens’ needs. Good on yer!

  37. Swineshead Says:

    It was a ‘tin’ of crisps. This element is its USP. It’s not just a bag. It’s a bloody tin. Be grateful!

    Nice to see the Pope having a pop at (according to stats) one tenth of the world’s population at Christmas time, by the way.

  38. Napoleon Says:

    DINLT – Women can be incredibly intolerant of men’s hobbies. My other half discovered my extensive collection of foreign art films and pamphlets underneath our bed and immediately moved back to her mother’s. Talk about an over-reaction! Especially when you consider how accommodating I’ve been towards her filling my bloody house with Lilliput Lane collectibles.

    It’s one rule for one, and a completely different (unfair) one for the other.

  39. Clarry Says:

    I SO nearly bought him ‘Evening Star’. With regard to the ‘right regions’ i’m afraid I started to glaze over when the nerds started explaining the intracacies of the regional trains. I’ve probably got it all wrong…

  40. Clarry Says:

    And they told me off for calling the tender ‘the coal bit’…

  41. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – To be fair to him, he’s only towing the party line. It’s just a shame the party line comes from a work of fiction written by loonies two thousand years ago.

    In fact, if you consider how many folk believe in this religion rubbish, I think you’ll find a large percentage of the world’s population agree with him. It’s sad and it’s misguided, but at least he’s not calling for ’em to be hanged from cranes, like the Muslims in Iran.

    I’m not sure, but that might make him a moderate.

  42. Swineshead Says:

    True enough, it could’ve been worse.

  43. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – I got the same sort of treatment when I went to buy a relative one of those rubbish-looking laser guns they use in Star Trek for a present. I had it pointed out to me, in no uncertain terms, that it was NOT a laser gun, but a ‘phaser’. I replied that I couldn’t give a tupenny fuck what the proper name for a lump of plastic from a shit show was, and an argument then ensued that ended with me hammering on a stock cupboard door demanding the proprieter of the nerd shop come out and face me like a man. These nit-picking bastards.

  44. The Spaghetti Says:

    I wasn’t aware you could get Hula Hoops in a tin. I feel incredibly foolish and naive.

  45. Napoleon Says:

    Swines – You’re right, mind. It’s so nice of His Holiness to spread his message of intolerance during the season of goodwill to all men.

  46. Napoleon Says:

    The Spaghetti – How have you managed to miss Hula Hoops in a tin? They’re right there, look – next to the Twiglets.

  47. Clarry Says:

    I like the way that, even as you recount the tale, you steadfastly refer to it as a laser gun. I bet the nerd is still cowering in his stock cupboard.

    Speaking of nerds – I was laughing at this on FB ‘Bad karma for Norm Lambert the cat Killer!’


  48. Napoleon Says:

    The bugger was like him off of The Simpsons, Clarry. Pedantically pointing out to people the correct pronunciation of some damnable creature’s name from Star Wars. Can’t be doing with people like that at all. Who gives a shit what the fourth alien to the left was called in Empire Strikes Back anyway?

    I had it recently when I was in one of these shops looking for a gun for my five year old cousin’s Christmas present. I asked the assistant where he kept the cowboy guns, and he snootily replied,

    “We don’t sell toys in here. We only sell collectibles.”

    Well forgive me for mistaking a shop that’s fit to bursting with plastic figures, space-ships and comic books for a toy shop. How fucking stupid of me.

    ‘Collectibles’, indeed! ‘Tat’, more like!

  49. Do I not like that! Says:

    Nap do you buy your relatives anything other than replica fire arms?

  50. Napoleon Says:

    Only the kids, DINLT. My philosophy is that no young boy should face his peers unarmed. Plus, it pisses off their mothers, who live in that fairyland world where they have decided their children will like only non-violent, non-gender specific, unisex toys (without bothering to consult the child in question, o’course). Fuck that. If it’s a boy, it gets tooled-up; if it’s a girl it gets a doll. No messing.

  51. Napoleon Says:

    You should see the gun I got the little bugger in the end. A Colt Peacemaker, imitation pearl-handled. You need the strength of Schwarzenegger just to pull the fucking trigger. There’s no way the kid’s going to able to fire it unless he starts working out like the Live ‘n’ Lift guy.

  52. Clarry Says:

    I always find the best way to piss off a parent is to buy their child a toy with a sound effect.

    On a christmassy note, I saw a funny top tip in That’s Life! this week:

    ‘Ladies – foil thieves when christmas shopping by storing your cash and credit cards in your makeup bag.’

    That’ll fool ’em.

  53. Napoleon Says:

    Toys with sound effects are a good ‘un, as are buying little girls those dolls that look like whores. I was told off by a friend for getting her daughter one of those Bratz dolls because they were apparently ‘little slags’. So for Christmas I got her another one. Ho ho!

  54. Do I not like that! Says:

    Those replica machine guns sure make a good noise. I used to love capguns as a kid and had a Man from Uncle gun with a holster with the UNCLE emblem on, as well as a mandatory cowboy gun and uniform!

  55. Napoleon Says:

    There was a kid I knew wot had an Uzi sub-machine gun that fired little plastic pellets. That kid was like a god to me and my friends. A living god.

  56. Swineshead Says:

    I’m idly sitting about with Titschmarsh (sp?) on the telly, in my pants, eating huge amounts of food whilst my better half goes mental running from shop to shop finding meats, vegetables and pastries to feed me the day after tomorrow. I wouldn’t have it any other way. My only task today is to go up into the attic to get some fairy lights (I’ll probably just nip to the shops and buy some new).

  57. SomePoorGeek Says:

    Brilliant, reading that has cheered up my afternoon no end even though I have no idea who these people are or anything about this program.

    Can you start reviewing some Spanish TV in 2009? You would have a fucking field day.

    Ta very much.

    Keep up the good work, Swineface.

  58. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve managed to plough through a chocolate orange and three packets of Seabrook’s Beefy crisps so far this afternoon. I’m just about to have a cup of tea, then I’m going to start scaling the north face of the largest Toblerone I’ve ever seen. Today, chocolate will be my dinner.

  59. Do I not like that! Says:

    Well I have bought 43 avocados for a pound down the market. Seriously!
    I could have had more but the bag was going to break and the terms and conditions were as many as you could get into the bag given. None the less 43 for a quid is not bad eh! I have had a couple already and very nice too. I was supposed to get something else but these avocados overtook everything and now the kitchen is full of avocados.

  60. Swineshead Says:

    I like a nice avocado on fresh bread. But 43 is extreme avocado action. For me, it’s an avocadon’t.

  61. Swineshead Says:

    Chocolate and crisps are all you’re eating? Are you signing on?

    *orders kebab meat with melty kraft cheese slice*

  62. Napoleon Says:

    Can’t stand avacado. A ponce’s food for ponces.

    Anyway. It’s Christmas. Living on nothing but Quality Street, beer, satsumas, York Fruits and Brazil nuts is acceptable. People who are signing on woouldn’t be able to afford to eat the grotesque amounts of sweets and snack foods I intend to eat over the next five days.

  63. The Redundant Girl Says:

    A wise person once said…

    ‘too many cooks…’

    …and by heck they were frecking right!

  64. Napoleon Says:

    Wasn’t that about spoiling broth? I’ve not had broth in a dog’s age, spolied or not.

  65. Do I not like that! Says:

    Nap- Pressure (1975) great film and a scene with the elder brother telling the younger brother about avocado. Avocado with West Indian Pepper sauce for breakfast is not ponces food, it’s real!

  66. Clarry Says:

    I aren’t never eaten avocado. It looks horrid, and I fear it may taste of ear wax.

  67. Swineshead Says:

    How is it ponce’s food? It grows naturally in the ground and is inexpensive. If you were talking about foie gras or caviar, maybe…

    It tastes unlike ear wax. I used to have the same fear, but it’s good stuff.

  68. Do I not like that! Says:

    “It grows naturally in the ground ”


  69. Clarry Says:

  70. The Spaghetti Says:

    Avocado with a big pile of cottage cheese (in the handy stone-free hole) is legendary. 43 for a nugget? Where is this market, and do the traders have ANY understanding of the concept of money, or did you tell him/her that it was 1913??

  71. Napoleon Says:

    It’s ponce’s food for ponces. It’s in the same category as asparagus, artichoke and that dark purple one with the green bit on the top you avoid at the grocer’s. PONCE’S FOOD.

    Other examples of ponce’s food:

    Anything Piqued eats

    Face it, Swineshead, you’ve been down in London so long, you’ve gone poncified.

  72. Do I not like that! Says:

    Market is in West London and he wanted to close up for Christmas.

  73. Napoleon Says:

    Spaghetti – Achilles is ‘legendary’. Poseidon is ‘legendary’. Avocado with cottage cheese in the stone hole is ‘food’.


  74. Do I not like that! Says:

    You would not say that in downtown Kingston Jamaica, Nap old son. If you did you would not say it again.

  75. The Spaghetti Says:

    Not in South London, it’s not. There, random combinations from different food groups are the stuff of legends. It shows a remarkable lack of imagination on our part, but to be fair, we do have to listen to Chas ‘n’ Dave.

  76. Napoleon Says:

    DINLT – And why would that be? Because you assume I’d be shot dead by islanders outraged that I’d had a go at some fruit? And what makes you think they would be the only ones bringing weapons to this absurd situation of yours?

  77. Napoleon Says:

    There are enough actual Londoners left in London to sustain a Chas ‘n’ Dave music scene? I thought they’d all been socially cleansed outside of the city walls so ponces from the provinces who can’t afford to live in a nice part of the city could live in their former slums?

  78. The Spaghetti Says:

    Chas ‘n’ Dave keep coming back. No-one said they were welcome, they refuse to take a hint.

  79. Napoleon Says:

    I saw them live in Mablethorpe in the late ’90s, then nearly drowned. I talked to Dave (not Chas) after the gig, and he said me, my raucously drugged-up friend and ‘the parapleigics in the front row’ were the only people stopping the band from walking off the stage.

  80. The Spaghetti Says:

    Did Chas ‘n’ Dave try to drown you like a kitten, or was that an unrelated event?

  81. Swineshead Says:

    Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit.

  82. Napoleon Says:

    Nah. I was drunk and fell in the sea.

  83. Napoleon Says:

    I like a nice slice o’ rabbit pie.

  84. Do I not like that! Says:

    Nice one Cyril….

  85. Clarry Says:

    Toodle pip everyone.

  86. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Ah, Swineshead, tis good to have you back. Superb and utterly justifiable vitriol there.

    People like Willie honestly make me yearn for the revolution.

  87. charlie mingles ( at work) Says:

    Merry christmas to you too you miserable cunt.

  88. Nick of the T Says:

    Have a cool yule one you lot, oh except you

  89. Gilbert Wham Says:

    I like popcorn with dried red chillies in. I might have that for dinner, actually.

  90. daveselectricblanket Says:

    I like popcorn out of a packet.

  91. The Spaghetti Says:

    Popcorn is the Devil’s work. You can’t turn what is essentially a vegetable in to a tasty treat, and expect people to be fooled.
    I almost draw the line at rice krispy cakes, but they’re yum.

  92. One Minute Review: Willie’s Chocolate Revolution « Watch With Mothers Says:

    […] squealing offspring as they tried to produce weird little chocolate nugget things – and, latterly, Willie’s Chocolate Christmas – a knuckle-bitingly smug stool of aspirational […]

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