Celebrity Big Brother 2009


Channel 4 refer to this new series as ‘the long-awaited return of Celebrity Big Brother’, which is a bit like hearing someone blowing their own imaginary trumpet. Like everyone else who watched the launch show, I did so because there was nothing else on the TV in the post Christmas airwave-breakdown, apart from rubbish like Stuart Little, the rubbish QI Christmas special (for the sixth time) and repeats of Top Gear.

But there it was, as though the rampant xenophobia of the Jade-mistake had never happened. The actual launch show was preceded by a documentary – if you could call it that, rather than a series of repetitive clips you’ve seen before hundreds of times – called Why I Love Celebrity Big Brother. This waste-of-an-hour featured huge names like the bloke who edits the entertainment pages of Star magazine, Mark Frith (who is everywhere at the moment, presumably not having anyone who loves him another to invite him over for Christmas) and Dom Joly. The Dom Joly who has nothing to do with Big Brother and hasn’t really done anything in 15 years. Apart from the QI Christmas special.

And so it was that on the second day of the first month, it was revealed unto the people throughout the launch show that everyone they had been told would probably be on the programme was, indeed, on the programme. And they did weep.

The only real surprise among the crowd was Ulrika who we’d all probably considered above this. Only slightly – but still slightly above it. Latoya Jackson’s presence was less of a shock as her brother had probably already briefed her on how the only problems she might encounter might be the mind-numbingly long periods of time she’d have to spend talking to people she’d never heard of and couldn’t understand on top of the potential for occasional racist outbursts from fellow contestants.

We all knew Verne Troy was going to appear. Even if we hadn’t been aware, nothing is really too much of a surprise any more with this knackered vehicle. It’s nice seeing him buzzing about on his scooter and trying to avoid all the helpful hands the contestants fling in his direction out of a mixture of PR-awareness and a genuine will to assist, but the tone was sullied the moment after he’d entered the house when the camera cut back, as it does so bafflingly frequently, for a link and Davina pronounced him to be ‘so cute’. And thus began the patronising tone he’s set to find himself smeared in right up to his exit interview at the hands of the bird-faced crone.

So, who else? Coolio is being Coolio – that is a faded pop star who still believes he’s relevant, amiably but somewhat tragically. Then there’s some large scouse lady off some show I’ve never seen who continually lectures Latoya Jackson on male repression, seemingly unaware of the Jackson’s history of abuse – despite the fact she keeps telling her about it. We have a confused Terry Christian – too much of a good bloke to be doing this in my eyes. We have Lucy Pinder, who is a topless model with a right wing brain and a corrosively dull voice. (And massive tits, eh lads?)

The list goes on, with Mutya, ex of Sugababes in the mix and clearly having been badly advised into a moronic career choice. Then there’s Tommy Sheridan, the socialist Scot, either feeding his ego or… actually, probably just feeding his ego.

Ben from A1 is the no-mark this year, as inoffensive as kitchen roll and with about as much to say for himself.  And finally there’s a girl from Liberty X, who’s just a little bit dizzy, just a little bit orange and just a little bit boring.

So whether you couldn’t care less about the whole palaver or, conversely, if you’re tied up by being equally bemused and entertained by the fact that Coolio (you remember – from the 90s) is flirting with Ulrika (that Y shaped weathergirl, also from the 90s), the fact is it’s on for another 21 days, so steel yourselves or dust off your blinkers.

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85 Responses to “Celebrity Big Brother 2009”

  1. Nick T Says:

    I’ve had it with celebrities. We are all celebrities.
    Morning all, well you SH.
    I did catch a glimpse of this rubbish. Latoya Jackson has a nose like a shrew. I like that album she did with that bloke holding her boobies, actually I just like the picture….in my head..

  2. Swineshead Says:

    That was Janet, Nick.

  3. Mr.Chipz Says:

    Haven’t watched the show but that Mutya looks like she’d do ANYTHING. Dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.

    I don’t approve.

  4. Napoleon Says:

    Coolio? The bloke wot ruined that Stevie Wonder song in the 90s? Bloody hell. They can’t ‘alf attract the stars onto this show, eh?

    Did anyone see the Rab C Nesbitt Christmas special? My V+ box refused to record it (twice), and I was wondering if it was as shit as all the other Christmas specials this year.

  5. Nick T Says:

    Oh yeah..Janet.
    she has a nice nose

  6. Swineshead Says:

    V+ was SHIT over Christmas. I lost the end of most of the thing I recorded (in most cases it was probably trying to save me, now i think on it).

    I knew a bloke who used to say ‘coolio’ instead of ‘ok’ or ‘cool’. I spat at him, once.

  7. Nick T Says:

    My ex wife does. You can spit on her….

  8. Napoleon Says:

    V+ did that to me too. I tended to find the end of my programmes tacked on to the start of other recordings, or nowhere at all. The future of television, my arse.

  9. Napoleon Says:

    By the way. My vote for worst Christmas special goes to My Family. They put in a belting performance, and I’m struggling to think of anything that was worse.

  10. Nick T Says:

    I have a panasonic hard drive thing. Records series and stuff. No probs.
    That’s as tecky as I’m getting

  11. Mr.Chipz Says:

    Nick, I have just spat on your ex wife. Well, I projected an image of your ex wife onto a woman chosen at random. I think she’s upset now.

  12. Napoleon Says:

    A Panasonic hard drive thing? Is that capable of recording the end of programmes? If so, it’s got one over the V+ box, which likes to leave you wondering what the fuck happened at the end of EastEnders.

  13. Swineshead Says:

    You can change the length of each recording in settings, I’ve since discovered.

    Whilst we’re talking technology, if you’re going to buy a DVD recorder, don’t go for Philips. They’re good for watching films from an avi file but other than that they’re SHIT.

  14. Nick T Says:

    Thanks Mr Chips, it’s the thought that counts.
    Sony DVD recorders are the MNs. I have 12 of them like Sure, they won’t let you down.

  15. Napoleon Says:

    Our DVD recorder is a Panasonic one. We’ve had it for six months and haven’t recorded anything on it, so I don’t know if it’s any good or not.

    Feel free to come to me for all your detailed technical reviews, folks.

  16. Swineshead Says:

    Are you satirising my DVD recorder review there, Nappers? You’re a fucking menace.

  17. Nick T Says:

    I take it you hated my WWM advert …..

  18. Napoleon Says:

    Not at all. We got the DVD recorder, and then a few days later Virgin rang up and offered me their V+ box for £25. I’ve used that to record all our stuff since.

    So nurr nurr nurr nurr nurr nurrrrr.

    They won’t let Morecome and Wise go, will they?

  19. Dave Says:

    Who’s the Scotch bloke on CBB? I love the fact a Scotch man would talk to a midget person as if THEY were the one with the handicap. Wonderous TV….for about 5 minutes.

  20. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Spot on. It’s dull so far. Verne is going to win.
    I don’t remember Mark Frith in the “documentary” before the launch. It was a crock of shit anyway – they totally chickened out of even mentioning the last year’s scandal, the yeloow-bellied nogoodniks.

    Ah, it’s good to be back. happy new year, everyone!

  21. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Hey, I like Philips! I hate Sony, though.
    I need a new DVD-player. Mine is on the blink.
    I want a multi-region one…

  22. Nick T Says:

    Why is Terry Christian so hated?
    Is he hated?
    The newspaper told me he was…..

  23. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I don’t hate Terry. I don’t much like him, granted, but I don’t hate him.
    No way he is a celebrity, though.

  24. Nick T Says:

    I have a Phillips dvd player. Plays anything….

  25. Dave Says:

    Terry Christian talking about the pitfalls of fame was about as deluded as it gets.

  26. Napoleon Says:

    I haven’t seen him on anything in years. I suppose it was either this or eating lugworms in Australia, was it?

  27. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Oh, and I don’t agree that Ulrika is better then this, even slightly. She is prime СBB fodder in my opinion. Not very famous for not that much, semi-forgotten, redundant, thickish, unnecessary.

  28. Dave Says:

    Ulrika once dressed as a Nordic warrior and ravaged John Fashnu on a poorly constructed rocking chair.

  29. Nick T Says:

    I like Ulrika for 3 reasons.
    2 of them boob related

  30. Swineshead Says:

    Nick – it was most amusing… sorry for not responding.

    Tommy Sheridan is a Scotch socialist who was active in anti-poll tax protests and has since sued the NOTW for libel after they called him a swinger-dinger.

  31. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Here’s the housemates that I have some knowledge of –

    I’ve also heard of Mutya (I know that she used to be in a group but I don’t know any of their songs) and Tommy (saw him on the news some time ago)

    I have never heard of nor seen the others.

  32. Napoleon Says:

    Do the Scotch come in any flavour other than Socialist? I thought their political affiliation was genetic?

  33. Dave Says:

    That Above Suspicion programme was good last night – did anybody watch that? I don’t usually bother with ITV drama but based on last night’s display maybe I ought to.

  34. Napoleon Says:

    I didn’t see that. I watched the Holby City Christmas special instead. It was very, very bad.

  35. daveselectricblanket Says:

    You should give it a go – that ginger lady in it is well hot, a bit like Dana Skully in her prime. I don’t have V+ but if I did I would record the programme and ware out the machine’s hardrive making the ginger lady’s breasts wiggle up and down with the pause and rewind feature.

    Oh, and we had a Sky+ guy come round yesterday and he said he couldn’t fit the bastard thing because we have plastic window frames and an extension on the roof. I wouldn’t mind but we already have regular Sky installed so the lazy technician wasn’t even half convincing in his decision to lie his way into an easier forty pound commission down the road.


  36. The Spaghetti Says:

    Mrs Spaghetti suggested we watch CBB. She’s since learned that “seen and not heard” doesn’t just apply to children.

    Surely the only way to make it watchable is to make them fight for food? That’d scupper all the “Verne to win” betters.

  37. roszs Says:

    BB needs to start depriving them of food or water or heat or oxygen or something – deprivation breeds irritation and they ain’t been racist or sexist nor nuffing yet. They keep talking about how well they all get on, in fact. That is the opposite of what I want from my CBB viewing.


  38. Napoleon Says:

    Don’t be too quick to go down the deprivation line for your kicks. Remember ‘Shattered’? Dull as bloody ditchwater, that was.

    No, for my money it should be a series of monstrous trials. Drug ’em all in the night, strap water-wings to ’em, then let ’em wake up in a big pool full of crocodiles. The fuckers’ll fight like trapped rats to get out of that pool – hopefully submersing their fellow contestants in their scrabble to get out, leaving the submerged at the mercy of those damned crocodiles.

  39. Swineshead Says:


  40. daveselectricblanket Says:

    I think they should throw a shape-shifting alien in there then tie the celebrities together on chairs.

  41. Napoleon Says:

    You might be hard-pressed to get hold of shape-shifting alien, Dave. A contraption where a contestant is strapped into a chair and injected with lead until his eyeballs explode would be much easier to get your hands on.

  42. Nick T Says:

    I got the OK Computer book for crimbo. Most of it quite easy, unlike the Elvis Costello Painted From Memory music for which one needs 3 hands

  43. Dave Says:

    I love playing Nude, Nick T.


  44. Napoleon Says:

    You play the guitar in the nude, Dave? What a grim picture for anyone with even the slightest hint of an imagination.

  45. Nick T Says:

    An interesting concept but deeply dull http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nude_(Camel_album)

  46. Napoleon Says:

    I got a stuffed owl that stinks to high heaven for Christmas.

  47. Nick T Says:

    Is anyone else sick of that insurance commercial with Alic Cooper in it?

  48. Dave Says:

    I thought it was Iggy Pop doing the insurance. When he dies can I claim his hide and bound books with it? Please.

  49. Napoleon Says:

    The Norwich Union one? Yes, it is a bit tedious. What gets me is the way the Norwich Union thinks we should give a tupenny fuck that it’s changing its name to something that sounds like a mid-range Japanese family saloon.

  50. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve just eaten a couple of sandwiches filled with that Bernard Matthews Turkey Ham stuff. What wizardry’s at work there, eh? It looks like ham, it sort of tastes like ham, yet it’s made entirely from turkey! Astounding!

    Hats off to the gastronomic alchemist that is Saint Bernard of Matthews, says I!

  51. Nick T Says:

    Vegetarian bacon doesn’t taste of vegetarians but does taste of bacon.

  52. Napoleon Says:

    It didn’t when I lived with a vegetarian. It tasted of bugger all. Anyway, if they want something that tastes like bacon, there’s already a product on the market that fits the bill – bacon.

  53. Who Says:

    Isn’t Stinking Owl a blues guitarist?

  54. Napoleon Says:

    He may well be, Who. Along with Honkin’ Harry Harrier and Steve ‘Shit Stain’ Sparrowhawk.

  55. Dave Says:

    Is a Sparrow Hawk Sparrow that tastes of Hawk?

    *exits quietly*

  56. Dave Says:

    Can Jewish people eater turkey ham or would it curse them into damnation?

  57. The Spaghetti Says:

    I was served beef bacon in Egypt, which tasted neither of beef, bacon, vegetarians, guitarists or Ulrika Johnson. Sadly.

  58. Nick T Says:

    *wonders what Ulrika tates like*

  59. Dave Says:

    Courgette ribbons.

  60. Napoleon Says:

    I’m beginning to suspect I know the identity of this shadowy ‘Spaghetti’ character.

    Anyway. I had something that was meant to be chicken roll out of a can with all Arabic writing on it. It tasted like what I imagine turds mixed with gelatine and internal organs would taste like. And it looked like that meat roll stuff that comes in sausages that you feed to dogs.

    Thinking about this – what with the foreign writing and all – I may actually have eaten chicken flavour dog food.

  61. Dave Says:

    I’ve just learnt Asteroids Galaxy Tour’s Around the Bend on my guitar. A fat, rat-handed ginger man trying to mimic a bright, young Scandinavian girl’s funk-inspired vocals is so beautiful I wish I had a webcam so I could share.

  62. Napoleon Says:

    I’m glad you haven’t, Dave. I’m having trouble keeping this weird mutant turkey stuff down as it is.

  63. Nick T Says:

    I was playing Airbag on a uke, it very nearly works

  64. Who Says:

    Have you run to fat now, Dave?

    = likes ’em on the chubby side

  65. Dave Says:

    I have skinny arms and legs and a big fat belly, Who. I’ve also got a tiny penis that looks like a baby mouse resting in a rusty Brillo pad. On the other hand, I do have a winning personality and own my own TV/Radio unit what I got from a carboot last June.

  66. Napoleon Says:

    Blimey, Dave. I’m surprised they’re not queueing round the block for a slice o’ that.

    Not that I’m one to talk at the moment. As well as sporting my usual dirty waiter smirk, bad teeth and shit hair, I now have a large spot on the end of my nose thanks to living on virtually nothing but booze, drugs and chocolate for the last two weeks.

    Eh, ladies? Eh?


  67. Dave Says:

    Much to my surprise, I courted the affections of a cute, very middle class blonde girl who for no reason at all decided to quiz me about The Smiths whilst I was downing a line of Sambuca shots in a scruffy club off Oxford Road. So there are enough daft, drunk girls out there to pollute their perfect genetics with cave dwellers like me.

    But, seriously, I’m not that bad. I’m often regarded as a ginger Duncan from Blue.

  68. Dave Says:

    That happened last week. I wasn’t dusting off the scenario from years back.

  69. Napoleon Says:

    A fat-bellied, boney-armed, transclucent-skinned, socially maladjusted ginger Duncan from Blue.

  70. Dave Says:

    But even though my arms are skinny I have the strength of ten men in my legs.

  71. Napoleon Says:

    Is that from running away?

  72. Dave Says:

    No, it’s just that God decided to frame me like an albino T-Rex.

  73. Dave Says:

    Where’s WHO gone? You’ve just ruined my bastard chances there, you cad sonofabitch.

  74. Napoleon Says:

    Isn’t Who married? Or is that Clarry? Or Clarys? Who’s the one wot’s so poor, her and her other half have to share the bath?

    I assume that’s why they share the bath, like.

  75. The Spaghetti Says:

    Nowt wrong with sharing a bath. Unless you’re uninvited. Like me.

  76. extremelisteningmode Says:

    As WWM’s resident Scottish reader, I fear that you all haven’t got enough detail on Tommy Sheridan;

    Tommy came to prominence in the early 90’s as he led the protests against the Poll tax, which Scotland was lumbered with before the rest of Britain – God Bless Thatcher, eh? – and steadfastly refused to pay. He was a genuinely working class bloke who was fighting the good fight.

    Then Tommy got a tan machine and flushed with success.

    He formed his own political party, the Scottish Socialist Party, who were quite splendidly mental. Election promises included being able to get anywhere in Scotland from anywhere else in Scotland in one hour. How this would be possible without a teleporter was anybody’s guess, but still. However, in this brave new dawn of post-devolution Scotland, practically anybody who stood got a few seats under the PR system and they got in.

    And then fell out. Big style.

    Tommy was booted from his own party for allegedly humping a party volunteer. The party collapsed without him, as he was the only charismatic one and the votes they’d got had been votes for him, not them. The NOTW then printed allegations that he’d knocked off one of their Scottish columnists – a fat slag-type named Anvar Khan who makes Carole Malone look charming – and visited swingers clubs on his stag weekend. Tommy, a bit distraught, sued.

    And this is where it gets really good; the bold Tam represented himself – aye, I know – and alleged taht this was part of a conspiracy against him cooked up by rupert murdoch and George Bush. honestly.

    And he won! £200,000 in damages. Most people thought it was simply a case of a Scottish jury giving a kicking to what is seen as a right-wing English tabloid – well, it is, to be fair.

    But teh bold Tommy, rather than simply fucking off and enjoying his luck, decided that this was how he would re-launch himself into politics. He appeared all over the Daily record – biggest selling paper up here, sister of the Mirror – with his preternaturally rough-as-fuck wife, Gail. They played happy families fucked over by the man. Truly nauseating.

    So much so that one of Tommy’s best mate sold The Sun a video of Tommy confessing that he had done all the shagging.

    So Tommy is currently under investigation for perjury and subject to a suit from the NOTW.

    An interesting guy, you have to say….

  77. Nick T Says:

    Thanks, I thought he might be a fooballer.
    I still won’t watch but if I glance by chance (hey!) I’ll know a bit more.

  78. extremelisteningmode Says:

    The sad thing is, he’s had a more interesting life than most of them in there – LaToya Jackson apart, of course!

  79. Napoleon Says:

    ELM – You wrote:

    “As WWM’s resident Scottish reader …”

    I think you meant to say:

    “As WWM’s resident Scotch reader …”

    Get it right in future, you skirt-wearing, cave-dwelling, red-arsed chimpanzee from the Stone Age.

  80. Toothed Varmint Says:

    From certain angles La Toya really looks like Michael with norks. Creeps me out.

  81. The Spaghetti Says:

    How can you be sure it isn’t?

  82. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Napoleon, we tend to find anyone who uses the term ‘Scotch’ is either one of those dreadful South of Ingerlund gimps who fink that there’s nuffink like the Queen Muvva, that the Sun nevva sets on the Empire and it weren’t like that when I was a kid, no sir.


    One of those irritating Southern English types who haven’t even managed to develop an accent since time began, believe that the Oxo family is the best example of a family unit one could aspire to, whose children go on gap years to, like, Thailand and shit and the rest of us are supposed to feel sorry for when said waste of spunk gets 30 years for 0.02 grammes of cannabis.

    And surely you aren’t one of those?!

  83. b'ree Says:

    i think ray mears should be put in the house and teach housemates survivalist methods such as cannibalism and (house)fire-starting and drinking of plague-ridden water so you DIE.

    ray would do CBB, wouldn’t he?

  84. Tom Laird Says:

    Sherridan is, was, and always will be a knob. He apparently was a promising junior footballer with some of the premier league teams considering signing him at one time. I think that was his true calling. If a man is not a socialist by the time he’s 20 he has no heart(allegedly) if he is still a socialist by the time he’s 30 he has no brain. If he persists into his 40’s he should be put to sleep for the sake of humanity.
    Bolshevik twat!!!

    Which part of Das Kapital deals with appearing on a shite celeb fest for filthy lucre in order to further the cause of the proletariat?

    I can’t find it

  85. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Tom, I have a feeling he needs the cash….he will be facing a reasonably significant legal bill the 30k he got from the Daily Retard won’t cover!

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