The Friday Question: Your Own Radio Times


There’s been a fair amount of decent TV on this week, for my money. My evenings have kicked off with the BBC’s The Diary of Anne Frank which has surpassed expectations in terms of quality.

Masterchef, May and Clarke on top of an above-mediocre CBB have provided enjoyment in the schedules – a rarity indeed.

It made me ponder what the ultimate TV schedule would involve. An evening is limited to a maximum of five hours viewing (we’re imagining this is a school-night), so how would I cram 5 hours of fun into such a limited space? Here’s my take on this challenge. I’m imagining I’m coming to all the programmes fresh – new episodes of each show:

7.00Eastenders: I know it’s usually on later, but this is a game, alright? A perrenial evening favourite – unremarkable but, for me, unmissable.

7.30 – The Apprentice: An hour of smart, manipulative, hilarious television that makes a hypocrite of the viewer and a screaming fool of the contestants. Reality TV par excellence.

8.30 – The Wire: An episode from season three or four would fit the bill perfectly. I don’t really need to explain this one.

9.30 – Twin Peaks: Something filmic but beautifully condensed into weekly hour-long slots. Still amazingly weird and radical even watching after all these years.

10.30 – Curb Your Enthusiasm: Some absurd, rich Americans acting like idiots for half an hour should clear up the surreal residue that Twin Peaks smeared the screen with.

11.00 – Louis Theroux’s Weird Weekends: The Gangsta Rap one is still my favourite, so it’d have to be that episode. The ‘Six foot two in my Compaq’ rhyme that Louis ‘spits’ makes me jiggle jiggle.

Midnight – BEDTIME!

That’s me… I wonder how your evening will unfold?

Show us what’s in your personal Radio Times.

(Thanks to whoever made the Youtube vid at the top – it made me piss myself laughing)


73 Responses to “The Friday Question: Your Own Radio Times”

  1. Nick T Says:

    7.00 Antiques Roadshow

    8.00 The Inbetweeners

    9.00 Never Mind The Buzzcocks

    10.00 South Park

    11.00 Love & Death

    12.00 South Park

    I would have written little comments but that is far too much like my day job.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    An hour of the Antiques Roadshow, eh? And an hour-long episode of NMTBs… this truly is a schedule from your mad mind.

  3. Napoleon Says:

    This is a good ‘un. My personal Radio Times would go:

    7:00: Wogan – The one where he interviewed former Son of God, David Icke.

    7:30: Eastenders – Any episode that doesn’t involve an appearance by the Queen Vic’s troublesome five-a-side football team (an occasional storyline that sounds the alarm to viewers that EastEnders is spiralling downhill again).

    8:00: Meet The Natives – If you didn’t see this series, you missed one of the most endearing pieces of television of the last ten years. I’ll plump for the episode where the islanders finally get to meet their god, Prince Phillip.

    9:00: Question Time – At a decent time for once. My ideal panel would be Tony Benn, Ken Clarke, Charles Kennedy, Ian Hislop and a sassy, tough-talking newspaper gal with great tits.

    10:00: The BBC Ten O’Clock News – None of that ITN nonsense. I like my news readers sitting down, thanks very much. And I’d like the news presented to me without stupid visual aids, pointless computer graphics or ex-Newsround presenters dressing up movie advertisements as news.

    10:30: Operation Good Guys – The one where Jude Law goes round the chief inspector’s house for dinner. I nearly shit myself laughing at that one.

    11:00: COPS – The fucking superb, and woefully short-lived, ’90s show about Manchester policeman. Any episode that focuses on the mighty Rot Brammel will suit me fine.

    12:00: All stand for the National Anthem.

    12:05: Pages from CEEFAX.

  4. Napoleon Says:

    *Roy Brammel, sorry. Mind you, he was pretty rotten.

  5. Nick T Says:

    Yes, yes it is.

    I need a shave

  6. extremelisteningmode Says:

    A sentence containg the words ‘EastEnders’ and ‘unmissable’. Something you don’t see every day.

  7. Swineshead Says:


  8. roszs Says:

    Napoleon – I used to love Cops! Completely forgotten about it too. Wot a great show.

    Am thinking of my answer, SH… good question…

  9. Napoleon Says:

    The usual EastEnders flubbery from ELM there. I still don’t understand how a show can be so despised when it contains so many individual characters and storylines. There’s loads to hate in the show, yes, and there’s been hundreds of awful storylines. However, some of its characters have been the best ever seen on British TV (Frank Butcher, Pat Evans, Barry Evans, the much-missed, chain-smoking Paul Trueman, Max Branning, etc.). Saying you hate everything about it is a bit like saying you loathe every single chocolate in a box of Quality Street.

  10. Napoleon Says:

    Roszs – It was fucking brilliant telly was COPS. One of those shows I would purposefully cancel things to stay in and see. Shame it didn’t last very long.

  11. Five-Centres Says:

  12. roszs Says:

    7pm – Press Gang – Any episode, but ideally a later one so I don’t feel like so much of a peedo for wanting to touch Julia Sawalha.

    7:30pm – University Challenge – ideally an Oxbridge college against a former poly so that I can root for the underdogs.

    8pm – Tribe – the one where they all drink the liquid every morning that makes them have a massive group vomit, and where Bruce trips out in the dark tent and starts going “OH GOD MY EGO MY EGO I CAN’T LET GO OF MY EGO WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BRAIN OH GOD OH GOD”. Brilliant.

    9pm – A David Attenborough documentary of the sort that makes you go “Now that is very bizarre indeed, isn’t mother nature a wonder”

    10pm – An episode of something costume drama-ey, mebbe Cranford, that was ace.

    11pm – Fist of Fun – any episode with Kevin Eldon in it.

    11:30pm – Peep Show – any episode, ideally one with Super Hans in.

    12pm – up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire.

  13. roszs Says:

    Five-centres – any chance of a c&p – my work is blocking your blog for some reason. Does it have swears on it?

  14. roszs Says:

    Did anyone watch State of Play, that John Sim/David Morrisey political drama that was on a few years ago? I rewatched it the other day, its brillyunt.

  15. roszs Says:

    I’m swapping Peep Show for The Thick of It in my list above.

    Making lists stresses me out…

  16. The Spaghetti Says:

    I tried to come up with a list of programs that I absolutely wouldn;t miss. And struggled. I had thought of myself as a bit of a telly addict, so this has been an enlightening experience.

    7.00 Harry Hill’s TV Burp
    7.30 Top Gear
    8.30 The Fast Show
    9.00 Miami Vice
    10.00 QI (interchangable with Mock The Week)
    10.30 Family Guy
    11.00 Garth Merenghi’s Dark Place
    11.30 Anything really, I’ll be asleep on the sofa by now

  17. Nick T Says:

    Ros c&p I get it!

    I’m sick of reading about new TV channels launching that don’t appeal to me. The current batch of UKTV channels: UKTVGold, Drama and whatever else are all being rebranded as a womans channel (Watch), modern crime (Alibi) and comedy, i.e, wall-to-wall Dibley and Only Fools and Horses (GOLD – stands for Go On, Laugh Daily). All terrible names, all channels that don’t appeal to me in the slightest.

    So if no one’s going to launch a TV channel that interests me, I’m just going to have to do it myself.

    This is ideal, or minor variations thereof:

    6.00 am Everybody Loves Raymond
    6.30 Ellen
    7.00 Seinfeld
    7.30 Rhoda
    8.00 How We Used To Live
    8.30 Trade Test Transmissions
    9.00 The Good Life
    9.30 Farmhouse Kitchen
    10.00 Open Air
    11.00 Name That Tune
    11.30 15-to-1
    12pm The Cedar Tree
    12.30 Food, Wine & Friends
    1.00 The News, with Leonard Parkin
    1.10 Frasier
    1.30 The Sopranos
    2.30 Survivors
    3.30 The Changes
    4.00 Murphy’s Mob
    4.30 Ace of Wands
    5.00 Grange Hill
    5.30 Degrassi
    6.00 The Six O’Clock Show
    7.00 EastEnders
    7.30 Brookside
    8.00 The Wire
    9.00 Mad Men
    9.45 Classic TOTP
    10.00 Not The Nine O’Clock News
    10.30 Film: Threads
    12.00am Whatever Happened To The Likely Lads?
    1.00 Angels
    1.30 Scenes of Swinging London (leaving out woman in yellow hat in Biba and man flicking through military jackets)
    2.00 Play For Today
    3.00 Film: Up The Junction
    4.30 Biography of someone famous who interests me
    5.30 The Fall and Rise Of Reginald Perrin

    Who’s watching with me?

  18. ugeine Says:

    6:00 – 6:20: Simspons. Something from season 1 – 10, when it still had heart.

    6:20 – 7:00: News & Weather. The time slot ensures we miss the god awful Look East style regional news programmes.

    7:00 – 8:00 CSI. CSI is the perfect late evening / early night time television. It’s a bit grim what with the subject matter, and has a little bit of darkness to it to make it well suited to evening, but it’s still light, fluffy TV at heart with all style over content.

    8:00 – 9:00 – friends double bill. You need something a bit light before a good few hours of decent television to give you time to piss about with dinner, chat a bit and what not.

    9:00 – 9:50 The Sopranos. If you haven’t watched this, then you might as well skip on a bit. If you have, I’d go for something along the lines of Pine Barrens.

    9:50 – 10:00 Justin lee Collins is beaten by teenage girls with sticks, to the Talking Heads.

    10:00 – 10:40: Double South Park. Cartman Heavy episodes Casa Bonita and Scott Tembrum Must Die. When South Park episodes are Cartman heavy they’re usually in their element.

    10:40 – 11:40 – The Wire. There’s something about it that lends itself to viewing later in the night. It feels right, while watching it at 2:00 pm is a bit like listening to Radiohead at a funfair.

    11:40 – 12:00 – Mighty Boosh series 1 the hitcher episode. Again, fitting with the dark theme of the episode.

    12:00 -1:30: Cyborg Cop. Films shown after midnight on television should be A) old b) Low Budget c) crap and d) hilarious. This ticks all four boxes.

    1:30 – 3:00 news. I should explain this. When I was a student and got shitfaced most nights I would come home and stick on the television (before I had freeview) and watch whatever was on. About 2:00 – 3:00 AM BBC2 would switch onto BBC newsand just zone out, in a drunken haze, watching important men tackling important issues in front of an audience of nobody.

  19. Nick T Says:

    My last was from 5 centres by the way

  20. wally bazoom Says:

    7.00 Any BBC produced nature or travel documentary. Don’t care which, they’re all fine.
    8.00 University Challenge
    8.30 Only Connect (Quiz hour in the company of questions I cannot hope to answer correctly).
    9.00 Father Ted
    9.30 QI
    10.00 The Crow Road.
    11.00 Seinfeld (Idiots discuss lunch).
    11.30 One Man And His Dog (Something suitably hypnotic and bucolic to lull me to sleep before the Seinfeld theme tune takes hold of my sub-conscious).

    Just writing that has meant the Seinfeld theme tune has taken up residence in my mind. Thanks a lot, memory.

  21. Nick T Says:

    That 5 centres writes a good blog eh?

    I like it.

  22. piqued Says:

    Dave pretty much does it for me, Top Gear and Qi over and over and over, bung in the odd episode of ‘Oh Mr. Porter!’ and I’d be in heaven

  23. Who Says:

    I’ll definitely join you for Rhoda, Nick T. I used to think I was her in a parallel life – I wanted to stand in the middle of Broadway in tight orange flares and a stripey tank top. In fact, I still do if I’m honest…

  24. Nick T Says:

    Rhoda wasn’t me old bean, I copied and pasted from 5 centres blog for roszs

  25. Who Says:

    I thought it was an unusual choice. And I now need to go and plunder the youtube thingy.

  26. Nick T Says:

    I’m going roller skating in Boscombe tomorrow…

  27. Napoleon Says:

    I’ll be having a wank at about 14:30 tomorrow afternoon …

  28. The Spaghetti Says:

    Mind you wash your hands after.

  29. Napoleon Says:

    Not likely! As a trained chef, I find it improves the flavour of my customers’ food.

  30. The Spaghetti Says:

    Well, wash them first then.

  31. Nick T Says:

    What will you be doing at 14.25?

  32. Napoleon Says:

    Failing to get into my missus’s knickers, o’course! We have, after all, been together for nine years.

  33. Nick T Says:

    Have you tried putting them on your head?
    It was all the rage in the 80s

  34. roszs Says:


    (this may not be true)

  35. Nick T Says:

    Why haven’t more people twatted Jeremy Kyle?

  36. The Spaghetti Says:

    Because this is England, and we have a firm rule about queuing.

  37. Napoleon Says:

    Roszs – I believe the average term served for moider is fifteen years. Still, I get what you’re driving at there, and I’m pleased the legacy of Les Dawson lives on into the 21st Century.

    “I tried to take the mother-in-law on holiday last summer, but we were turned back at the airport. Customs & Excise said we’d need an export license to take that much meat out of the country.”

  38. Nick T Says:

    Is that served or sentenced?

  39. The Spaghetti Says:

    Is that an actual Les Dawson gag, or just one in his style? Just wondering ‘cos he wasn’t exactly a slim man… Bloody funny though.

  40. Nick T Says:

    Very good Spag.

  41. Napoleon Says:

    It was one of his, yes. Gawd blees ‘im.

  42. extremelisteningmode Says:

    How’s it snobbery to think EastEnders is shit? It’s been recycling the same plotlines since the mid-80’s acted out by an ever less talented cast!

    EastEnders is the Status Quo of TV.

  43. The Spaghetti Says:

    Status Quo rock.

  44. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Nap, are you married? If so, that lack of sexual shennanigans is only going to get worse!

  45. Nick T Says:

    All soaps are shit.
    Except The Archers natch.

  46. Napoleon Says:

    ELM – Nope. Managed to avoid that for years.

  47. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Ah, so you still have hope. Well done that man.

    I managed 10 years before I succumbed, so be warned, you’re never out the woods.

  48. Napoleon Says:

    The Caribbean keeps being mentioned as a possible marriage trap. This is what happens when you go out with someone considerably richer than yourself. They try and tempt you into be-shacklement with promises of expensive holidays and shiny things.


  49. Nick T Says:

    Don’t knock the rich spouse.

    My brother is following me by “marrying up”

    Daddy would have been so proud.

  50. Swineshead Says:

    Afternoon all.


  51. Nick T Says:

    I’m off to Newbury then Southampton…..

  52. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Not just now SH, I’m trying to give up.

    Nap – like your style sir.

    I married across the barricades of the religious division which haunts Glasgow, meaning on Old Firm day my wife and I kick fuck out of each other whilst hurling bigoted abuse. Keeps it fresh.

  53. JonR Says:

    19:00 Porn
    21:30 Interlude (music by the BBC Radiophonic Workshop)
    22:00 Porn
    00:00 Close

  54. The Redundant Girl Says:

    I think I’ll book my evening with Aunty Beeb.

    7.00pm Open All Hours (a all time classic series)
    7.30pm Any Wallace and Gromit (a visual treat of fun and good nature)
    8.00pm Larkrise To Candleford (a period drama – what the BBC do best)
    9.00pm Q.I. (Stephen Fry, the master of words)
    9.30pm Have I Got News For You (Paul Merton – a master of mirth)
    10.00pm The News (I like to know what the world is up to)
    10.35pm Apparitions (something dark)
    11.35pm Any horror film (something scary)

  55. charliemingles Says:


  56. charliemingles Says:

    I really enjoyed that lynda la plante thing last week about the actor serial killer. very fucking harrowing last 30 minutes though. gave me nightmares.

  57. Swineshead Says:


    hello mingles

  58. Edna Welthorpe Says:

    Oh fuckin’ ‘ell, Mingles, that Lynda La Face Like A Cabbage Patch Doll thing were AWFUL. I knew Jason Durrrrrrr dunnit about three seconds into episode one.

  59. charliemingles Says:

    hows ting tings swinesy old boy?

    everyone knew that edna – you mad old bag.

  60. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Hello. I’m not dead, you know.

    Busy with things and that. Hope my absence wasn’t too painful.

    Be good now. Tata.

  61. The Spaghetti Says:

    Actually, I’ll swap something for “The Shield”. Absolute class, that is.

  62. charliemingles Says:

    My brother gave me prison break. I watched the first episode and found the main character such an annoying smug twat that I couldnt watch any further. silmilarly, terminator series. straight into the action on episode one without any character development, so I lost interest very quickly. I feel very old now.

  63. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    He is a whiney little pretty boy, that main prisoner. And it looks like he was photoshopped in the womb.

  64. The Satire! Says:

    My Fantasy TV would be……

    14:00( About Breakfast time) Hitler
    15:00 Great White Sharks
    16:00 When Nazi’s Attack
    16:30 Sharks: Hitler’s Secret Weapons
    17:00 Das HaiFisch Boot : The Life of German Shark fishermen during the Third Reich(in Colour)
    18:00 Jeremy Kyle Show. Tonight-Who is worse The Nazi’s or Great White Sharks?
    18.40 News
    19:00 Film: JAWS Funf. Michael Caine, Gary Busey und Jurgen Prochnow. Cheimsee is terrorised by a Great White Shark released by some Juden Schwein in 1933.
    20:30 Sharks Do the Funniest Things
    21:00 It Will Be Alright On Kristalnacht 7. Joseph Goebbels Introduces his favourite clips.
    22:00 Celebrity Phobiacs: Nick Griffin discusses his fear of Sharks. With Hilarious results.
    22:30 The Gadget Show. Tonight: A look at a device designed to scare off Big Fuck Off Fish and a Virtual Reality Nurnberg rally
    23:00 I’m Politically Undesirable – Get me Out of Here. Reality show where celebs including Michael Fish, Gary Glitter and General Pinochet pretend to be concentration camp inmates.
    00:00 Film: The Night Porter: Charlotte Rampling gets her kit off in a Nazi fetish fest.
    02:00 After Dark: Discussion Show. The Role of The Ananerbe in Discovering Megaladon
    05:00 German Porn Involving Sharks

    Actually I see that Channel 5 are doing that every day next week.


  65. The Satire! Says:


    I almost Forgot. Somewhere in the schedule I have to squeeze in

    Columbo. Death Wears A Toothy Grin. Patrick McGoohan stars as a former SS. Officer running an Aquarium and murders an Animal Welfare inspector by feeding him to it’s prize exhibit.

  66. indy Says:

    17:00 America’s next top model
    18:00 Entertainment now
    19:00 Never mind the buzzcocks
    19:30 Aktuellt (swedish news program, public service network)
    20:00 The power of nightmares (documentary)
    21:00 The thick of it
    21:30 QI
    22:00 Screenwipe
    22:30 Mighty Boosh
    23:00 Ponderland

  67. daveselectricblanket Says:

    17:00 Richard & Judy
    18:00 Richard & Judy
    19:00 Richard & Judy
    20:00 Richard & Judy
    22:00 Thundercats
    23:00 Richard & Judy
    24:00 Richard & Judy

  68. The Spaghetti Says:

    Aaaah, Thundercats. Feel the power! Hear the roar! He-Man was better though.

  69. daveselectricblanket Says:

    Mumra would own Skeletor in a fight which means, by extension, the Thundercats would kick He-Man’s merchandised arse all over greyskull.

    Still, shall we all remember this classic by CKY?

  70. The Spaghetti Says:

    But Teela was way fitter than Cheetara.

  71. daveselectricblanket Says:

    I’d have thought people choosing to watch He-Man (a cartoon about a topless, gay, Aryan with a pink top) would have designs on things other than the feminine charms of Teela.

  72. The Spaghetti Says:

    It was the 80’s. Even Don Johnson wore pink.

  73. daveselectricblanket Says:

    Did I just write topless with a pink top? As true as it is, that’s messed up.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: