The Friday Question: You are MASTERCHEF!



It’s a simple conceit. For today’s Friday Question, you, humble reader, are THROUGH to the final stage of the quarter final. It’s time to demonstrate your ability to the two spoon-loading pudgers with your signature three-course service.

So what would you cook up for Greg Wallace and John Torrode if you magically found yourself in the studio?

What do you cook best?

We’ll need a starter, a main and a dessert.

Then it’s over to Greg and John who are just like, hanging out at mine today (by coincidence) and will instruct me on what they think of your complex flavour combinations.

What three courses would you cook for Masterchef then, eh?

Lurkers, now is the time to show yourselves!

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

76 Responses to “The Friday Question: You are MASTERCHEF!”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    To kick off, I will make a petit anglais complet – a mini English brekafast – as a starter. One fried egg, two rashers of bacon, a slice of toast and some mushies on the side. Magnifique.

    I will follow this with a kiev poulet, garnished with roasted oven chips and a tin of mushy peas garnish.

    Dessert will probably be a bag of Seabrooks cheese and onion. I’ve not much of a sweet tooth.

    Greg Says

    Oooooh! I LIKE you! You’ve dazzled me there with an immense flavour combination. When that garlic sauce in the kiev hits the salty sweetness of the mushy peas – i come in my pants.

    John Says

    I like the layout of the starter, I like the concept, I like the taste. Coulda done with a liiiiiittle more ketchup, but overall, you’ll make a great liddle cook.

  2. Nick T Says:

    I used to think his name was Johnti……easy mistake.

    I can’t bear to watch this new series, it’s to much of a slog.

    I shall consider a menu over the “course” of the day.

  3. Swineshead Says:

    Nice pun – but puns don’t win you the title of Masterchef Champion 2009.

  4. Telemachus Says:

    Wow, quarter finals of Masterchef. I should say at this stage that it is my life’s ambition to be a cook, and Masterchef is my only way of achieving this dream. To impress these two wonderful paragons of our modern society with my culinary skills is a fantastic opportunity. I wish to give up my career and devote my life to the incredible career of being a cook. It means everything to me. And in these economically difficult times, to open a restaurant and treat the good citizens of this country to my culinary delights must be the way forward!

  5. Nick T Says:

    Anyone read 5 centres this week. I thought his description of Iggy Pop as a condom full of conkers was very apt.

    SW- Not even a current pun?

    *Audience goes wild*

  6. Napoleon Says:

    For starters, I would serve these two irritating buffoons Bernard Matthews Turkey Ham sandwiches. For main, let them eat beans – value beans. And for pudding, they can scoff one of my stinking turds.

    (I’m serious as cancer when I say rhythm is a dancer)

  7. Swineshead Says:

    Telemachus – shut up and cook – the clock’s running down!

  8. Swineshead Says:

    Nappers – Greg says

    I’m liking this turkey / ham fusion, the saltiness of the ham is combining with the bland turkey and causing my scrotum to heave in my pants as marge sensations quiver along my tastebuds. I LIKE you.

    John says

    Mate, you’ve served me a sandwich. But I have to say, it’s a very good one. But is it enough to win? The main, of beans, I love. The sauce is absolutely as it should be. This pudding’s a fucking winner too, mate.

  9. Napoleon Says:

    I never knew I had it in me.

    Now can you please take it out?

  10. Telemachus Says:

    Okay, okay! I am just finishing off the starter.

    Melon with Parma ham. (Get a sweet juicy melon, slice it in half, add some Parma ham).

    (Phew…starter done, now on to the main course..***leaves studio cooking station and disappears out of the door***).

  11. Telemachus Says:

    **In the background, Strange noises, and sounds of huffing, puffing and cussing, door re-opens and re-enters with***

    **Proceeds to set up and light the BillyOh-3-Burner-Hooded bar-b-q**

  12. Swineshead Says:

    Greg and john wait impatiently, rolling their eyes and looking baffled as pots run over, etc…

    Telemachus – are you responding to my call for lurkers? If so, good work.

    Nappers – why aren’t you responding to my email – do you hate me or something?

    I’d sympathise, if that were the case. I’m a right pain in the arse.

  13. Who Says:


    I’m kicking off with a starter of seared pickled eggs, floating in a bowl of my used bath water. For the main, it’s a trio of liver (calves, pigs and chickens) jalfrezi with a pea and pineapple marmalade. For puddings, you’re getting Vienetta surprise (ie. two flavours on the same plate, vanilla AND mint) with Carnation milk.

    Your plums are pumping, yes?

  14. Telemachus Says:

    **rushes off again, and then reappears with 2 cases of Stella Artois, and proceeds to open a cold one and chuck one to fellow contestants, film crew and presenters**

  15. Swineshead Says:


    John says
    Your eggs and bathwater concept is a very good one. But I’m betting you didn’t wait a week before creating that bathwater? The water’s too thin, too sudsy, not grimy enough for my kinky tastes. Your liver curry is revolting, but the pinapple element has given me a stonking erection, which I plan to use on my beautiful wife this evening. I feel too ill for dessert.

    Greg Says
    I LIKE YOU. I LIKE YOU. I’ve never seen anything LIKE this Vienetta and I LIKE IT. Ooooooh! I like it!
    I can’t eat the rest. I wouldn’t feed it to my dog. But I like you.

  16. Swineshead Says:


    John says

    Sorry mate, time’s up. You failed deliver. But we’ll let you through on the strength of the flavour combination in this strange belgian jus – and the canned delivery – very nvel, very new, very unique, very Telemachus

    Greg says

  17. Telemachus Says:

    “For my maincourse I am having a good old fashioned bar b-q. I will be cooking Steak, Sausages, Pork chop, Lamb chop, Burgers and some satays”. I have put some potatoes in the oven, and will prepare a salad” ****Proceeds to set up buns and tomato ketchup and various relishes on the cooking station and takes a long and satisfying gulp from the Stella can***

  18. Clarry Says:

    I think that Dave’d wow ’em with his singleton concoctions wot mainly involve dairy lee.

    Poor Dave…

  19. Clarry Says:

    And WHY does Greg eat off a fork the way he does? Why that swooping motion and why the pregnant pause? It makes me want to kill and kill again.

  20. Telemachus Says:

    **Sets up ghetto blast and puts on the CD “Lust for Life” by Iggy Pop. Takes another long satisfying gulp of Stella and notices that female contestant cooking behind me has got quite a nice pair of knockers. Proceeds to take a look at what she is cooking and putting arm round her waist”**

  21. Swineshead Says:

    Clarry – he’s allowing the flavour combinations (or FCs) to take hold.

    If it’s dessert, Wallace overloads, if it’s meat (particularly offal), John overloads. There is method to the madness.

  22. Clarry Says:

    FCs or no FCs, it’s bloody annoying!

  23. Napoleon Says:

    Will there be lesbian sex scenes in the final?

  24. roszs Says:

    I’m well into my fusion food, so for my starter I’ve blended four pints of Dry Blackthorn, the chemical taste of the south-west with some jus-de-cassis.

    For my main I’m preparing a bag of pork scratchings and a bag of scampi fries, with the classic presentation of opening them on three sides and putting them in the centre of the table, so that everyone can tuck in – I think this is a really democratic way of eating with friends.

    For dessert, as I don’t have much of a sweet tooth, I’ve gone into the fridge and stolen my housemate’s half bottle of £3.99 red which has been there for about a week. And nicked a bit of their cheese as well.

    I really REALLY want this guys, cooking is my life. I’m actually OBSESSED WITH FOOD.

  25. roszs Says:

    SH – I can’t believe you are berating NC for not replying to emails when I have sent you TWO emails in the past week that you have ignored. In case you didn’t read them they can be summed up thus:

    email 1: I am bored.
    email 2: I am still bored.

  26. wally bazoom Says:

    Starters – Fruits Alarum, a plate of sliced lemons which are sucked, served with a shuffle of Leicester parsley with a plate.

    Middles – Farmyard Impossible – one roasted hen served with with a gibbet cage attached containing a live hen, trained to stare directly into the face of the eater during the course of the meal, dangling over the meat. Served with a tension of seasonal veg, such as peas and that, and a runny sauce that tastes of some berries.

    Endings – Traditional Caustic Pie (Apple, Peaches, Quick-Lime) and a choice of cream with a coppery aftertaste or eyes cream with a heartfelt body, served with a leer from the waiting staff.

    Eat that.

  27. Swineshead Says:

    John says

    Roszs – I love the sweetness of your cider against the sharpness if your pork scratchings. The buffet presentation is second to none – so modern and SO tempting.
    But red wine – in the FRIDGE? This is madness. A cold, dark room, sure – but the fridge? Perhaps your house is so small you consider the fridge a cold, dark room.

    Wally – Your fruits alarum is a nice lil’ dish. It’s tasty, it’s fresh, it’s Wally. Your Farmyard Impossible is rich with hen, the meat dangle touches my fronds with a delicate glance and your end is divine. Caustic copper and a leery waitress. I couldn’t be more disappointed.

    Greggs sits in the corner dribbling and repeatedly lifting his shirt to show his hairy belly

  28. Swineshead Says:

    ROSZS – send your emails to my NEW email address, yeah? I gave it you before xmas.

  29. roszs Says:


    Will you send it me again?

  30. Telemachus Says:

    **Goes over to bar b q and proceeds to turn the meat over, cracks open another Stella, cheeky grin to the camera**, “That Kimberly can’t cook but I wouldn’t chuck her out on a cold night..” Chucks a beer to everybody and then returns to Kimberly’s (for that is her name) cooking station to see if I can have her dessert as I have not prepared one. Either that or it’s raspberry ripple ice cream or an arctic roll from Iceland.

  31. Swineshead Says:

    Women, eh lads?

  32. Swineshead Says:

    Telemachus, you appear to have lost the plot. You’re not up to Masterchef – maybe Come Dine With Me will take you?

  33. roszs Says:

    Did you see the CDWM with an Osmond where he hired a midget butler to serve the dinner, and insisted that everyone call him little Donnie?


  34. Napoleon Says:

    Women are alright. When they’re doing lesbian stuff, like.

    Will there be lesbians?

    (Good looking lesbians, not real lesbians.)

  35. Telemachus Says:

    Strewth mate…wrong show! What do I do? I’ve got the barbie roaring, reckon I’m in with Kimberly, and now I have just received a call to find out that there’s four people turned up at my house expecting a meal. Is it Ok if they come over here to here to dip their snouts in the trough? I’ll tell them to a bring a bottle or two. Oh and I am getting tired of those two sticky beaks checking up on my cooking….I might just land one on them…

  36. Telemachus Says:

    **says to Kimberly** “that Greg looks like a boiled egg”.

  37. roszs Says:

    Real lesbians are well good-looking.

    *parades around in swanky new dungarees*

  38. roszs Says:

    Telemachus – Greg is a human weeble.

  39. Napoleon Says:

    Roszs – No they’re not. They all look like they work on oil rigs.

  40. roszs Says:

    Yeah well, so do men who work on oil rigs so there.


  41. Telemachus Says:

    **Chucks roszs a can of Stella**

  42. roszs Says:

    Ripper mate!

    *sinks it in one*

    *beats wife*

  43. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I am not a lurker, I am a tremendously busy man, so there.
    I’d cook borscht(schtscht) for them and if they don’t like it – let them eat cake, the spoilt bastards.

  44. Telemachus Says:

    You’re a sport roszs…

    *takes a gulp*
    *secretly gives a can of Stella a good old shake*

    “Hey Weeble…”

  45. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Oh, and a “Russian salad”. Sounds scary? As well it should.

  46. Nick Housewife Says:

    For the first course, I will be serving a light chicken chow mein noodle soup, plated up in an authentic plastic pot with an optinal jus of soy to taste.

    On to the main! Pulses marinaded in tomato juice, sugar and salt, served on a bed of grilled bread and topped with shreds of locally sourced matured cheddar.

    For dessert, I will attempt a thrilling fusion dish by serving palatte-cleansing Indian dahi and a syrupy English strawberry preserve in separate sections of a compartmentalised dish. This will encourage the judges to engage with the dish as they combine the elements themselves to make a fancy-dan strawberry yoghurt.

    All ingredients sourced locally in the Stamford Hill Morrisons.

  47. Toothed Varmint Says:

    What’s a “dahi”? I need to know, that’s how I learn.

  48. Nick Housewife Says:

    TV, is a delicious yoghurt I just looked up on wikipedia because I didn’t want to write ‘yoghurt’ twice in a paragraph. That’s how much effort went into my menu, Gregg and other one!

  49. Nick T Says:

    I’m having two lesbians over for dinner tonight.
    Do they have to have “special food”?

  50. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Thank you. Yoghurt is nice. I like spreading it all over my pale body. That’s how I get my sordid thrills.
    Speaking of sordid thrills – lesbians don’t like anything “on the bone”, or so I’ve been told by one of them. It’s a painful memory.

  51. roszs Says:

    Sauteed flaps.

  52. Nick T Says:

    Starter – Dixie Chicken Soup.

    Main – Vegetable Lezzania (no pork) with freshly flicked beans

    And to finish – Fruits fried in a sweet batter (fanny)

  53. ugeine Says:

    Starter: Various Crisps: Skips, Wotsits, Walkers, Space Raiders and McCoys arranged on a plate artistically.

    Main: A side of raw steak, served sauteed in bleach, with a side of new born baby sick and new poatoes.

    Dessert: Three Scoops of Heston bloomingthinys egg and bacon ice cream.

  54. ugeine Says:

    Oh, and to drink robinsons orange squash. (I’m not made of money, you know).

    And finally, a Wrigley’s Extra Chewing Gum peice to clense the pallatte.

  55. ugeine Says:

    Damn, Ros already had the crisp idea.

    6 weeks of planning wasted.

  56. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I’ll tell you what…

    Starter – “Herring in fur coat” (pieces of salted herring under layers of grated beetroot, onions and boiled spuds with mayo).
    Second starter – Stchi with golovizna (cabbage soup with fishheads).
    Main – Pirogi with vyaziga (pies with dried spinal cord of salmon).
    Dessert – Rum baba (with vodka instead of ideologically unsound rum).
    Different types of vodka to drink.
    A bucket.

    Beat this.

  57. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Oh, and a wafer-thin mint, naturally.

  58. Toothed Varmint Says:

    >freshly flicked beans
    Broad or flageolet?

  59. Nick T Says:

    TV- chickpeas?

  60. Telemachus Says:

    Looks as if I am gonna make the semi’s ..hic…Everyone help yourself to the barbie…and a beer.
    **Staggers off**

  61. ugeine Says:

    For my starter, I might as well revert to the plate of broken glass, sand and HIV infected needle tips, with an organic apple and arse sweat sauce.

  62. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Nick – yeah, chickpeas. What a lovely euphemism. I’m gonna use it tonight. Hope I’m not goinng to be bashed upside the head for it.
    Anyway, I’m off to eat some grey lumpy food as is my wont. Laters, fellow gourmands!
    Приятного, блин, аппетита.

  63. Swineshead Says:

    You’re all disqualified.

    Apart from Wally, who wins because of his use of the phrase ‘Farmyard Impossible’ which both delights and terrifies.

    I’m afraid the boys have gone. John went off to talk to a dirty looking crone in the street and they waltzed off together. Greg burst.

    So it’s back to normal chitter chatter, I’m afraid – but join me in lauding this years



  64. Nick T Says:

    Just had a text from them saying that they are having to cancel as one of their grandmothers is have a stroke. FACT

  65. Nick T Says:

    Has had a stroke…..

  66. ugeine Says:

    Any idea how hard it is to get new born baby sick as a single 22 year old? You know the kind of favours I had to pull in?

    *storms out of arena*

  67. Telemachus Says:

    I’ll be back for my barbeque.

  68. roszs Says:

    Well done Wally. Really.

    *does sarky clapping*

  69. Nick T Says:

    Have we all gone home?

  70. wally bazoom Says:

    Shut up, Ros. Shut up and eat. And dance. But eat.

  71. Nick T Says:

    Do you really want to hurt me?

  72. charliemingles Says:

    Some Wagonwheels and then a couple of … a couple of packets of …. no, just get loads of Wagonwheels ….

    c. P. Calf 1995

  73. Tom Laird Says:

    Mingles, not even noon on a Saturday and you are up ..some kind of …er…bird that gets up early…even for a bird.

    Have you shat the bed?

    Yours In Charitable Love


  74. charliemingles Says:

    wheres my little monkey face gone? fucking wordpress, youre getting as bad as blogspot you useless cunts.

  75. Tom Laird Says:

    Just look in the mirror mate. You will be relieved to see it’s still there.

  76. charliemingles Says:

    you cheeky tidy beard beast laird. I dont pay my taxes etc ….

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: