One Minute Review – CBB so far…


With only a couple of days to go before the final of the show nobody’s talking about – Celebrity Big Brother 2009 – I’ve just about got time to note the performances of contestants so far, but sadly am limited to five words per remaining head.

Here we go.

Bad drunk, afro suited him.

Only entertaining character, despite sexism.

Stop moaning about your children.

Lung cancer is clearly imminent.

Walking, talking, smirking, personality-vacuum.

Terminally boring, laddish, hirsute socialist.

My apologies. Normal service will be resumed tomorrow.

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244 Responses to “One Minute Review – CBB so far…”

  1. piqued Says:

    Seen hardly any but hasn’t Terry come over quite well when one recalls his ‘The Word’ days?


    (Nick, can’t find your contact details, however you can find mine under the calendar on P)

  2. Swineshead Says:

    You see, I always liked Terry Christian. I was fourteen and The Word was like an anarchic explosion to someone so nubile. Christian never really did anything to offend, apart from his suits.

    When Ollie Reed featured, Christian took the ‘I HEAR YOU’RE A HETEROSEXUAL!’ comment with good grace….

  3. Nick T Says:

    My daughter gives me updates every morning as she walks to school, using her phone.
    I pretend to be interested.
    I’m not.
    (Will do, I have a website you know…)

  4. piqued Says:

    Yes, I was 14 too SH.

    (The Word was called Ready, Steady, Go in those days)

  5. Swineshead Says:

    Best ever band appearance on The Word?

    For me, L7 or Nirvana. Or Blur doing Girls & Boys – the first time I heard that song and Damon was clearly pissed out of his head. Very amusing.

    L7 shade it as you got to see the singer’s pubis…

  6. Nick T Says:

    I remember the pubis as if it were yesterday……

    (P, have written massive email)

  7. piqued Says:

    Are you mad!

    Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich were the grooviest cats ever!

  8. Swineshead Says:

    One of DDDM&T died recently. Long Live The Loos Of England and Nose For Trouble were favourites round my house when I was little.

  9. piqued Says:


    Dave Dee, Died, Body, Mortuary and Tomb

  10. Mel Says:


    I was more moved by the recent passing of both Oliver Postgate and Tony Hart.

    There seems to have been a run on famous people’s passing just now.

  11. Nick T Says:

    Massive queues outside BBC for tonights Jonathan Ross show…..

  12. Mel Says:

    I suspect that is more because they want to see if Tom Cruise jumps on the sofa and yells about aliens though…

  13. Nick T Says:

    I would suspect it’s more to see what Ross says off camera…

  14. Telemachus Says:

    Hey, a question. Do the contestants get to hear the daily news in the BB house?

  15. Telemachus Says:

    Also who collects the rubbish?
    Does the show makers have to pay council tax on the bb house?

  16. Napoleon Says:

    Speaking of celebrity deaths, the man who invented the donner kebab has died. After 17 years at the mast of heavy drinking, I have a lot to thank that man for. RIP.

  17. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve only ever eaten one takeaway kebab in my life… could never stomach them. Mind you, when i was pissed the only food I required was more delicious booze.

    As for daily news in the BB house- no they don’t. I remember they were criticised for holding back info on the 7/7 bombings from housemates.

  18. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve eaten thousands of the things. There was a period in my twenties when I went out and got drunk every day, and the kebab was the only food I ever ate (well, that and Bombay Mix). I love ’em, even if they are made out of testicles and rotting cats.

  19. piqued Says:

    Me too Nappers,

    I was veggie for 5 years, it was a kebab following a night on the pop that broke me.

    Food of the gods.

  20. Telemachus Says:

    What about the council tax?

  21. Mel Says:

    Wouldn’t they have to pay it as a business though? The rates would be higher, if so, but i think that they would not get away with being a household.

    Either way it will be Hertsmere Council that are in charge of the refuse (although i guess it will be tendered out to a private contractor)

    I seem to have left my (hopefully) slightly amusing tone of yesterday somewhere else today, sorry folks

  22. Swineshead Says:

    Not a problem Mel, at least you’re not Dave.
    I have no idea how the overheads of the BB house work though, apologies.

    My craving for shit food always used to arrive the day after a night on the sauce when i’d wake up, often having eaten nothing the previous day, so hungry that I was trembling. And I’d tremble my way to KFC before eating a chicken fillet burger in one mouthful. And then get back on the booze. I was a bit rubbish at drinking, now i think about it. Had I eaten sweetmeats WHILST boozing I’d never have gotten into that sorrry mess.

  23. Mel Says:

    Actually, i get the munchies something awful the day after too. Never had a kebab, and don’t often feel like eating on the night, but the next day i crave sweet things, and lots of ’em. Can happily eat 6-8 meals, but they have to be high carb, and preferably include something very sweet. The baker loves me after a big night.

  24. Mel Says:

    Oh, and definitely not Dave. Although from what i recall he does like to pretend that he is a wimmin on occasion.

  25. Do I not like that! Says:

    Good call Mel, but..Hmm, if business rates they would not be allowed to sleep there.
    If household would it be classified as a second home?

  26. Napoleon Says:

    That may well have been your downfall, Swineshead. What you should have done is this:

    Booze+Kebab+14 Hours Sleep+Water+Full English+Booze = A Happy Time

  27. piqued Says:

    I think Telewotsisfass is taking the Arthur Bliss

  28. Mel Says:

    Argh, but now i am sucked in…

    DINLT, I am no expert, but surely hotels pay business rates, and you can sleep in them??

    That is the very last council tax related comment i make today. I don’t even pay it any more.

    Perhaps that was telemachus’ cunning plan – he is really a council tax ionspector, and is trying to ferret these secrets out of us.

  29. Mel Says:

    *cough* inspector *cough*

  30. Do I not like that! Says:

    Good point Mel.

  31. Nick T Says:

    Ahh, carbs…..


  32. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Ulrika Jonnson needs a new series of Shooting Stars desperately to recover from this.

    Tommy Sheridan would make even a lilly-livered lefty like me long for the days of Tory totalanairism.

    Coolio looks like a turnip.

  33. Napoleon Says:

    I like this time of year as far as Council Tax is concerned. I always deliberately don’t pay mine at the start of January just so I can get a letter saying I now owe the council the remaining amount of my bill in full. The thing is, the full amount of said bill is the same as what I owed for January anyway! Ho ho!

    What a spiffing wheeze!

  34. Mel Says:

    Well, at least she has not used the medium of this reality TV to find the next sperm donor…

  35. ugeine Says:

    I love kebabs. I can eat them sobre, which is mroe then i can say for a maccy ds.

  36. roszs Says:

    *swans in*

    *nonchalantly flings URL on coffee table*

    *swans out*

  37. Mel Says:

    Oh that article has made my teeth itch on so many levels. I can feel a rant of NCesque proportions building.

    But i promised no more CT, so I must resist

  38. ugeine Says:

    Go for it Mel!

    I need something to read on my lunchbreak.

  39. Swineshead Says:

    Look at Roszs with her nonchalant news!

    With news like that, she can afford to be nonchalant.

  40. ugeine Says:

    I’d love to be like her, but unfortunately I’m very chalant. I walk past people and they say ‘Christ, that guy’s very chalant.’

  41. Telemachus Says:

    Good work Roszs…

    “It was only when Elstree Studios hired expert chartered surveyors that the inspectors backed off.”

    So there you go, perhaps there is a loophole somewhere. NC, explain to your council that you are planning your own bb at your address, perhaps via internet and therefore no need to pay.

  42. Mel Says:

    Nonononono, it wouldn’t be good for any of our health.

    But can i just give one snippet – AS IF THE CT WOULD GET PAID FROM THE WEEKLY BUDGET


  43. roszs Says:


    I have to go to a fucking dinner party tonight and apparently I’m not allowed to ask if we can watch Skins.


  44. roszs Says:

    “It was only when Elstree Studios hired expert chartered surveyors that the inspectors backed off.”

    That sounds like the most boring fight scene ever.

  45. Telemachus Says:

    “Quick run, Its the Expert Chartered Surveyors!”

  46. Napoleon Says:

    “I have to go to a fucking dinner party tonight …”

    And Amnesty International has the bare-faced cheek to bang on about victims of torture, eh?

  47. Telemachus Says:

    “Are you expert chartered surveyors or merely knowledgeable chartered surveyors?”

  48. Telemachus Says:

    I’ll take on a chartered surveyor, but those expert chartered surveyors, best to back off.

  49. Swineshead Says:

    I don’t know how to behave at dinner parties. I just keep my mouth shut.

  50. Telemachus Says:

    At the dinner table too…?

  51. roszs Says:

    SH – but how do you eat?

  52. Mel Says:

    what even when you are trying to put food in it SH?

    I’ll wager that you don’t get to go to many

  53. roszs Says:

    Look! We all dun the same joke!

  54. ugeine Says:

    I tend to make racist jokes. It’s a good icebreaker.

  55. ugeine Says:

    Oh, and flirt agressively with the children.

  56. Swineshead Says:


  57. roszs Says:

    I heard a great joke the other day.

    A woman goes into a hairdressers in Hull and says “Have you got time to do me a perm?”
    The hairdresser replies “Certainly – I wandered lernly as a clerd…”


  58. Napoleon Says:

    I behaved like a baboon at the last dinner party I went to. Fuck ’em. I didn’t want to eat someone else’s shitty vegetarian cooking anyway. These people need to book a fucking restaurant for everyone, the filthy cheapskate rats.

  59. ugeine Says:

    ros: MegaLOL.

  60. roszs Says:

    NC – what did you do…?

    I have only ever behaved badly at one dinner party, but it was very very bad, and I felt very awful the next day.

  61. piqued Says:

    In the light of Rozzszsz link I wholly withdraw my ‘arthur bliss’ comment directed at Telewotsit


  62. Napoleon Says:

    Roszs – I got drunk, threw a roast potato at one of the guests, threatened another and then, later on, light-heartedly goosed the hostess. Needless to say, I’m no longer in touch.

  63. ugeine Says:

    Some people are never happy, NP.

  64. roszs Says:

    Spud chuck!


  65. Napoleon Says:

    Using your food as a weapon is one of my favourite tactics when encountering hostility at the dinner table.

  66. piqued Says:

    What did you do Roszzz

    It wasn’t the Funky Gibbon was it?

    Sweet Christ say you didn’t

  67. Napoleon Says:

    Apparently, a donner kebab contains a wine glass’s worth of fat. I want one now. I got the same craving when I watched that Supersize Me gubbins – right out of the cinema and straight into my nearest McDonald’s.

  68. ugeine Says:

    True that, Napoleon. When I watched this documentary on the concentration camps I went straight out and…

    Actually, not going to finish that.

  69. piqued Says:

    Not all of ’em NC

    When they’re made properly it’s argued as the healthiest of all the fast foods, i.e., grilled lean meat, fresh salad, wholemeal pitta. The real culprit is, apparently, the contemporary chilli sauce… usually made from a wine glass of cooking oil and excrement. The original yoghurt sauce was quite healthy.

  70. Mel Says:

    What other food makes a good weapon then NC? I have a picture of you in the centre of a St Trinians style food fight now, but suspect you would do something a lot harder.

  71. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve got very itchy balls today, ladies.

    Anyway. Has anyone seen that Valkyrie film yet? If you haven’t, you may not be happy to know most of ’em get hanged at the end. With piano wire.

  72. Mel Says:

    Also, do you have a grading system?
    e.g. slightly snarky remark = flicked peas
    being vegan = lobbed parsnips
    insulting yer ma = full on custard pie

    I’d like to see your grading systems.

  73. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Grilled lean meat? Do you even know what a donner kebab is? I’m not on about some London nancy boy’s fancy sandwich here. I’m on about that dripping elephant’s leg you see slowly turning on a spit. Grilled lean meat, indeed!

    Mel – I’m afraid I’m not at liberty to divulge what I’d be up to in the middle of a St. Trinian’s food fight.

  74. piqued Says:

    Why is it always piano wire? Is there a surfeit of the stuff?

    I should imagine it’s jolly pricey too. Why can’t these buggers use nylon rope? It makes me sick

  75. Napoleon Says:

    Piqeud – Unless you’re a complete fuckwit*, you know full-well why it was piano wire.

    *Note to fuckwits – Hitler demanded they be hanged from meat-hooks with piano wire, as it’s the most painful way you can hang a man.

  76. piqued Says:

    Oh, yes NC, I’m very familair with the ‘elephant’s leg’ and it’s greasy charms

    But the original doner was lean spiced meat, more like a Shawarma…

  77. piqued Says:

    ‘Piqeud’ ? Eh?

    ‘it’s the most painful way you can hang a man’

    How did they know that, fill out a Q&A after did they?

  78. ugeine Says:


  79. Nick T Says:

    I’m being taken to see that Slum millionaire thing tonight.
    There is a bar though and one can take drinks in with you.

    Played bass at a funky “jam Night” last night. Mainly students but it was good.

  80. Napoleon Says:

    And what does this ‘original version’ have to do with what I was talking about? Oh, I know – absolutely FUCK ALL. When was the last time anyone went into a kebab shop and said,

    “Can I have a large doner, please? Oh, not the elephant’s leg one everyone knows as a ‘doner kebab’ … an original one. You know, the grilled, lean spiced meat one?”

    I’ll tell you: NEVER.

  81. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Think about it. The fucker’s not only strangling you, it’s also slowly cutting off your head. Rope’s too thick for that job.

  82. piqued Says:

    One selects ones kebab shop in advance doesn’t one?

    *checks nails*

    I’ve thought about the piano wire.


  83. Mel Says:

    I would imagine that if the drop was long enough that it would do it pretty quickly NC.

    The very phrase elephant’s leg was enough to put me off, and the H&S aspects of having meat heat up and cool down and heat up and cool down and so on.

  84. piqued Says:

    *exchanges Nick’s bass for raging bonk on*

  85. Nick T Says:

    Played raging bonk on at a funky “jam Night” last night. Mainly students but it was good.

  86. ugeine Says:

    All this donner meat talk is giving me a craving so bad I’ve practically got a hard on.

  87. Napoleon Says:

    From the wide range of (non-existent) original Turkish kebab shops? Er … no, no you don’t. The majority of Britain’s kebab shops are run by Cypriots for a start, and they don’t tend to stock the ‘original’.

    And if you’ve thought about the piano wire thing and still don’t get it, then you’re a fucking moron.

  88. Mel Says:

    Tsk, what is all this talk about erections?

    I told Piqued yesterday, there are laws against that kind of thing. NO wonder Dave has to pretend to be all wimmins if this is how you all carry on.

  89. Swineshead Says:

    Not in the East End, Nappers. Massive Turkish community round here and you can get pretty good quality kebabs in addition to the usual chicken, chips and donner joints.

    Piqued is perhaps being a little Londoncentric.

  90. Swineshead Says:

    Mel – are you still off work with your injured face?

  91. Mel Says:

    Kind of, i am shirking from home today, but have a conference call in half an hour

  92. piqued Says:

    NC, Brick Lane.

    As for Piano wire, oboe in the hogs, that would smart.

  93. Napoleon Says:

    Ah, I see, Swineshead. Silly me for forgetting that Piqued gathers all his information about an entire island from a tiny little part of it.

  94. Swineshead Says:

    Brick Lane’s good for curry, Piquedy boy – but go in search of a quality donner and you may be disappointed. Don’t you mean Dalston?

  95. piqued Says:

    Soz, SH beat to me to it

    Nappers, next time you’re over, how about we pay a visit. But no fighting you naughty fellow

  96. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Brick Lane? In Bolton? Can’t say I recall seeing ‘the original’ on offer …

    Maybe you mean Brick Lane in Chesterfield?

  97. piqued Says:

    There’s a few round there SH. Not tried a Doner in Dalston, though you’ve just set me a missing

    *puts on nappy*

    *gets 38*

  98. Swineshead Says:

    Working from home is a new thing for me Mel. Despite finding some good business in my first month, I’m generally playing GTA rather than doing it and screaming ‘WHERE IS MY BOSS TO STOP THIS MADNESS?!’

    In actual fact, Nappers, next time you’re down and if you like a good kebab, we’ll have to get one from the aforementioned. They’ll rock your cock off.

  99. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t need to travel to London to enjoy a good curry. I’m a stone’s throw from Bradford, where you can get the finest curry in the land.

  100. Swineshead Says:

    Oh shit – I’ve set Piqued ‘a missing’.

    Keyboard problems?


  101. Napoleon Says:

    SH – I’m always up for new kebab experiences. Do they do ’em on naan breads down your way?

  102. Napoleon Says:

    Working for yourself – The problem is, the boss is only too willing to give you the day off.

  103. Mel Says:

    Oh, I’m not self employed or nuffink, so when i go back in i will have demonstrate some output (sadly comments on here wont cut it)

    But at the moment, I have to stay in because i risk frightening the horses if I venture too far outside.

    Would your boss stop you taking Nappers out for a kebab as well?

  104. piqued Says:

    …no SH, trying to play Scrabble at the same time

  105. piqued Says:

    I’ve had a kebeb on naan but it was in Scarborough

  106. Napoleon Says:

    Kebabs on freshly-made naan are a revelation if you’ve never come across ’em before. I’ve looked down my nose at pitta breads ever since. Up here, almost all our kebab shops are run by Bangladeshis and Pakistanis, so kebabs ‘n’ naans are a standard. Also, most of the kebab shops double as curry houses, so it’s a feast for the taste buds when you’ve ‘ad a skinfull. I had a lamb tikka kebab t’other night. My verdict?


  107. Swineshead Says:

    I started a Scrabble game with you Piqued and you bottled it, like a blue-bottle.

    Working from home, so far, is a delicate balance between becoming terrified that the current job’ll be your last and working like a gulag-inmate and, at other times, not giving a tuppeny shit about work and watching Neighbours as your mind melts. It’s about 50/50.

    Did I imagine it, or did Mel say she habitually mutilates horses?

  108. Mel Says:

    Yes, that was definitely your imagination. In my current state of disrepair, i may worry a few though.

  109. Mr H Says:

    Doner calzone – greatest food known to man – briefly dipped in a deep fat fryer, delivered to me door in a specially designed cardboard container. Oh, sweet Jesus, I think I’ve stained meself.

  110. piqued Says:

    SH, I think that was because at the time my PC at work took an hour to connect

    Bloody happy to play now mind…

  111. Swineshead Says:

    It was a very poor etymology joke, Mel. It even lost me…

  112. Swineshead Says:

    Go on then Piqued – kick it off and I’ll join you.


  113. Napoleon Says:

    I’m an old hand at working from home, Swineshead. Any pointers you need, you come to me. It’s all about effective time-management, I find:

    09:00 – The Wright Stuff
    10:30 – Trisha
    11:30 – Judge Judy
    12:00 – Lunch + News
    12:30 – Masturbation
    12:45 – Doctors
    13:15 – Diagnosis? Moider!
    14:15 – Masturbation
    14:25 – Check internet
    14:30 – Masturbation
    14:40 – Afternoon nap
    17:30 – Neighbours


  114. Mel Says:

    No, i got it. It was subtle


    A bit like the spicing on one of piqued’s posh kebabs

  115. Mel Says:

    And where is Colombo in that list NC?

    Has to include a good bit of Columbo. I bet he likes kebabs.

  116. roszs Says:

    NC – Finest curry in the land? Dunno about that. Cheapest, definitely.

  117. piqued Says:

    Oooh, goody…

  118. Mr H Says:


    I find that;

    12:30 – Masturbation
    12:45 – Doctors

    Can be merged, especially when Julia Parsons gets a bit stroppy.

    Although it could be a bit hard fitting it all in when Dr Jude Carlyle was still in it. And I had to take 2 years off sick when Dr Caroline Powers was around.

    Ach, not again.

  119. Napoleon Says:

    Roszs – I’ll stick by my claim. I’ve eaten curry all over this fine island of ours, and I’ve found none to compete with the one you’ll get at The Kashmir in Bradford. Su-fucking-perb.

  120. piqued Says:


  121. Napoleon Says:

    I tried playing Scrabble with Swineshead once. The boy’s an egg-head, and made me look a fool. Never doing that again.

  122. roszs Says:

    Aaah, the Kashmir. Tis a good ‘un indeed. For every good curry house in bradders there are at least 20 absolutely shocking ones tho.

  123. piqued Says:

    Question. Does anyone else find that tea made from plastic kettles tastes a bit odd

  124. piqued Says:

    ‘…made me look a fool. Never doing that again’

    *looks up from book*

  125. Mel Says:

    well piqued, kettles do flavour water. Ours is knackered, and something is burning. Makes the water taste ‘orrible. We are getting a new one this evening.

  126. roszs Says:

    I find tea made in London tastes a bit odd, full-stop. Facking filfy wa’er.

  127. ugeine Says:

    I’m having a Chinese tonight, one corner of the culinary map I’ve not really explored. Any recommendations?

  128. Mr H Says:

    I find that making tea with tea, rather than a plastic kettle, improves the flavour enormously.

  129. Napoleon Says:

    Roszs – You can say that about anywhere on any subject. ‘For every good car mechanic in Leicester, there’s twenty shocking ones’, for instance. Doesn’t cancel out the good ones being better than anywhere else.

  130. Swineshead Says:

    Don’t overhype me, Nappers.

  131. roszs Says:

    ugeine – you’ve not had chinese food before?

    Why don’t you try the cream of sum yung gui.

  132. piqued Says:

    Make sure you get a metal on Mel, plastic isn’t right. Jebus never had his brew from a plastic kettle did He? And if he was too good for plastic then I’m a spastic, I mean gay.

    Rozzs, bit racist? Watchit

  133. Napoleon Says:

    Is it a hard water area down there? If so, the tea’ll be shit regardless of what kettle you’re using. Same used to happen in Lincolnshire.

  134. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – I’m merely stating the truth. I was worse at Scrabble than I ever thought possible when playing you. That’s why I ducked out with bad grace and swears.

  135. roszs Says:

    NC – we are arguing at cross purposes, sir. I woz just saying that that Bradford has an undeserved reputation for fantastic curries, whereas in fact it just has lots and lots of curry houses, some (about 6) of which are really good.

  136. roszs Says:

    SH knows lots of words, the scrabble FIEND.

    NC – totally agree on the hard water thing. I use the special Yorkshire Tea for hard water now that I live in our filth-ridden capital, but its still not great.

  137. Napoleon Says:

    Hard water’s vile when you’ve become accustomed to the soft stuff. I always forget about it when I visit my relatives in Lincolnshire, grab a glassfull, and end up spitting the shit out. Ruins tea like you wouldn’t believe.

  138. piqued Says:

    Balls, soft water for soft southern shi…

    I mean hard water for hard southern, er, harders

  139. Napoleon Says:

    ‘Hard’ and ‘southern’ are two words you rarely see together in the same sentence. You ponces go out in coats when it’s only December! COATS!

  140. Mr H Says:

    Seemits, kilts and nae underwear up here. As God intended.

  141. piqued Says:

    This is coming from the man with a perpetual chest infection

  142. Napoleon Says:

    Yes, but your mob aren’t actually members of the human race, Mr. H. Therefore, you can’t factor in the Scotch when it comes to arguments about who’s the hardest.

  143. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t recall ever having a chest infection (other than the common cold – does that count?), but thanks for playing, Piqued.

  144. Mr H Says:

    You’re all suvern nancy boys from up here, and if we ever sober up long enough to point ourselves in the right direction, ye’ll ken aw aboot it.

  145. Nick T Says:

    Chinese food is for kids.
    Tea made with filtered water.
    My daytime viewing starts with Jeremy Kyle, Airport, Bargain Hunt, Cash in the attic, Dickensons real deal, JKyle, Rickie Lake.

  146. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Chinese food is for kids’?

    Quantify, please.

  147. Napoleon Says:

    By the way, Mr. H – A fine and noble job one of your brave, patriotic warriors made of beating up that young woman for being English t’other week. Nice to see the roaring spirit of William Wallace is alive and well up there.

  148. Napoleon Says:

    Chinese food’s for kids? What do adult Chinese people eat?

    Dogs – that’s what! The bloody ANIMALS.

  149. roszs Says:

    Yeah, try telling that to six billion Chinese adults (that is a guess, worked backwards from the FACT that there are nine million bicycles in Beijing). Mind you they just call it ‘food’ there.

  150. Nick T Says:

    SW, when I was a kid I adored it but as I got older I found it less interesting. I have mentioned this to friends and they concur, they do, they concur….

  151. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – You don’t need to filter the water up ‘ere. It’s like spring water, so it is. Makes a lovely cuppa.

  152. roszs Says:

    Are you in Sheffield NC? In Bradford it was lovely water too, and they didn’t put ‘orrible fluoride in it.

    *tooth falls out*

  153. Nick T Says:

    You have to down ‘ere Naps.
    The chlorine tastes something horrid.

  154. Napoleon Says:

    Age makes stuff like Singapore Noodles, Salt ‘n’ Pepper Ribs or Crispy Duck less interesting? I’m not sure I’m happy about that.

  155. roszs Says:

    Nick – I don’t filter my water, I just slug it back and gag slightly.

  156. Napoleon Says:

    Roszs – Yup. But not for long. I’m moving even further north to the coast so I can go sea-fishing.

  157. roszs Says:

    For sea-kittens perhaps. Did you see that story about them rebranding fish?

  158. Napoleon Says:

    Rebranding fish? As what? Beef? Vegetarians won’t be happy.

  159. roszs Says:

    As ‘sea kittens’. Its to draw attention to the over-fishing situation by making them cuter, like kittens. Apparently people don’t care about poor old fish, but they do care about kittens.

  160. Mr H Says:

    Nappers – As said attack took place in Eberdein, I suspect the locals mistook her for a Witch or Divil.

    Which considering she claimed to be 22 years old, lived in Eberdein for 18 years, and still managed to have an English accent, may well be true.

    “22 year old Miss Newman, originally from Cheltenham, has lived in Aberdeenshire for 18 years.”

  161. Napoleon Says:

    She sounded Scotch on the radio, Mr. H. I know this because I was only able to pick out about 15% of the words as being recognizably English. You know how you fuckers jabber like drugged-up howler monkeys …

  162. piqued Says:

    ‘I don’t recall ever having a chest infection’

    You were half dead with something like that last month, as well you Benilyn Boy

  163. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t find kittens cute. They look fucking ‘orrible with them big eyes and weird ears. Into the canal in a burlap sack with the lot of ’em – that’s my advice.

  164. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Not with a chest infection, I wasn’t. I had that Winter Vomiting Virus – a proper man’s illness, unlike that poncey bad back you keep carping on about.

  165. Mr H Says:

    Fit the blootert English bauchle wiz gang aboot wi a bahookie freezer, gi’in it laldy an bumpin her gums, then a cuddy lug an a kick in the coupon was a’ways oan the cards.

  166. piqued Says:

    ‘Piqued – Not with a chest infection, I wasn’t. I had that Winter Vomiting Virus’

    easily avoided by wearing a coat

    (god that was painful)

  167. Napoleon Says:

    You think you get WVV by exposure to cold? I thought you used to work in the health service? Which health service was this? Mozambique’s?

  168. Mel Says:

    Mr H – why would a fine English gentleman wish to go around giving young, demure ladies a hoof up the *ahem* lady bits for kissing him?

  169. Mel Says:

    WVD or norovirus – I put myself at risk of that regularly. It goes round Sweden like the clap in a whore house every Christmas. I spend a lot of Christmases there, and I have withstood it thus far.
    Made of stern stuff us Westcuntry folk.

  170. Mr H Says:


    If the small fat drunken English woman was going around showing off her lady parts, acting hoity toity and talking too much, then a clout around the ear and a smack in the face, was always going to happen.

    We don’t do Wimmins LIb up here.

  171. Napoleon Says:

    I seem to pick the fucker up every year. I bite my nails and drink in pubs. Seeing as most of the dirty bastards who use pub toilets don’t bother washing their hands before using the doorknob, it’s not a great leap of the imagination to work out where I’m getting it from. Nice.

  172. roszs Says:

    Arrrrr, tis true.

    *coughs up lung*


  173. Napoleon Says:

    Duplicate comment detected!

    OOOOPS! Looks like you’ve already said that!


  174. piqued Says:

    ‘You think you get WVV by exposure to cold’

    Cold destroys immune system

  175. Mr H Says:

    Chinese New Year starts on Monday

    Barack Obama is an Ox. Other famous people born under the sign of the Ox?

    Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler, Napoleon and Margaret Thatcher.

    Don’t say you weren’t warned.

  176. piqued Says:

    ‘I seem to pick the fucker up every year. I bite my nails and drink in pubs. Seeing as most of the dirty bastards who use pub toilets don’t bother washing their hands before using the doorknob, it’s not a great leap of the imagination to work out where I’m getting it from. Nice.’

    try a nice warm coat

  177. roszs Says:

    Nap – I am a chronic nail-biter and it keeps infection at bay as we are filled with germs already, so can combat it with ease and panache. It must just be dashed bad luck and nothing to do with eating other peoples piss.


  178. roszs Says:

    Mel – where in the westcuntry you from?

  179. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – So you’re saying a person who’s been exposed to cold gets WVV as a matter of course? it’s not anything to do, perhaps, with the ingestion of some dirty fucker’s faecal matter left on a fucking pub door handle? No? No, must be going out without a coat on …

  180. Napoleon Says:

    Roszs – Despite Piqued’s idiot bleatings, the actual reason I get this hideous illness so frequently is my already lowered immunity to anything to do with the digestive system caused by my ongoing medical condition. That and licking other people’s shit off my fingers.

  181. roszs Says:

    I’d never considered I’d been eating other peoples actual shit when I bit my nails in the pub.

    I am aroused now.

  182. piqued Says:

    No, I’m saying exposure to cold lowers the immune system so that shit eaters such as you’ve described have something in the system with which to fight the shit of others.

    In adition to wearing a coat you could always wash your hands?

  183. Napoleon Says:

    Yeah? You like that? Oh yeah, YOU like that.

  184. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – I’m the one that washes my hands, dullard. If you’d bothered to read what I said, you’d see I was complaining about the people who don’t before using door-handles, tables, the backs of chairs, etc.

  185. Mel Says:

    Piqued – It can also be transmitted by droplet infection, and therefore a coat wont help. (although you will be warm)

    Roszs – all over, grew up in Gloucester, uni in Bristol, lived in most places, except Dorset. Now i don’t live there at all

  186. piqued Says:

    ‘Despite Piqued’s idiot bleatings, the actual reason I get this hideous illness so frequently is my already lowered immunity to anything to do with the digestive system caused by my ongoing medical condition. That and licking other people’s shit off my fingers.’

    All on ongoing digestive medical condition systems can be easily re-programmed by the simple use of a coat. (And not ingesting others plops)

  187. roszs Says:

    Didn’t they debunk that going-without-a-coat-occasionally-makes-you-get-a-cold myth ages ago? I read it in London Lite so it must be true? And my sister-in-law’s a doctor*

    *stuck up brother stealing BITCH

  188. Mel Says:

    Do you have to eat the coat then Piqued?

    What is the dosage for that then?

    Mild cold – sleeve off a mac, WVD – full parka?

  189. roszs Says:

    It dunt matter if NC washes his hand if someone else has already smeared their own shit all over the door handles and bar.

  190. roszs Says:

    (he only has one hand)

  191. piqued Says:

    ‘Piqued – I’m the one that washes my hands, dullard. If you’d bothered to read what I said, you’d see I was complaining about the people who don’t before using door-handles, tables, the backs of chairs, etc.’

    The simple use of a coat to cover your hands when exiting places contaminated by urine/excrement will easily re-programme all ongoing digestive medical condition systems. Press control+Alt+Delete and wash your hands

  192. Napoleon Says:

    “*stuck up brother stealing BITCH”

    Don’t take this the wrong way, but that sort of sounds like she stole that there brother off of you. Lover-wise stolen.

  193. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Roszs has hit the nail on the head. Other people’s poo gets everywhere. If you bite your nails, you’re fucked unless you become one of those fuckwitted OCD freaks.

  194. piqued Says:

    ‘Piqued – Roszs has hit the nail on the head. Other people’s poo gets everywhere. If you bite your nails, you’re fucked unless you become one of those fuckwitted OCD freaks’


    *cradles Nappers head*

  195. roszs Says:

    As I typed it I thought that, but then I went “yeah wotevs” and pressed submit comment. That’s the sort of freewheeler I am.

  196. roszs Says:

    My nails are fucking disgusting looking. But at least they are covered in shit.

  197. Napoleon Says:

    A first-rate reply, Piqued. Only a master of badinage such as y’self could come up with something so titanically witty as, ‘Shhhhhhh’. I take my hat off to you, you swordsman of the written word.

  198. Nick T Says:

    Brass door handles.

    Natural anti bacteria brass is.


    Not fashionable now.

  199. Mel Says:

    Roszs – that would not have been considered weird in some parts of the Westcuntry – like the Forest Dean, for example. *hopes Roszs isn’t actually from the Forest*

  200. Napoleon Says:

    Roszs – It’s the moment you go too far that I worry about. That sudden pain that tells you you’ve (literally) bitten off more than you can chew. Have you, like me, ever got to that point, then carefully stuck the half-off nail back down with the hope it’ll make the agony go away?

  201. roszs Says:

    At the school next to mine, a brother and sister got detention for having ‘relations’ (heh, geddit?!?!) on the stairs during assembly.

    (I am from near Taunton, Mel. There are about 4 surnames in the local phone book.)

  202. Napoleon Says:

    They’re all inbred throwbacks in the West Country. And rapists.

  203. roszs Says:

    Napper – oh yes. Or when you take your (shit-covered) nail out of your mouth mid chew and see the blood start to come up the side and think “that’s going to hurt a lot in about 3 seconds”.

  204. roszs Says:

    There are three sorts of people in West Somerset:
    – inbreds
    – rapists
    – terry pratchett

  205. Mel Says:

    Pfft NC, Yorkshiremen think that everywhere outside the border be dragons.

  206. roszs Says:

    Nick, are you suggestign that NC take a brass door handle with him whereever he goes so that he can remove the existing door handle, replace it with the brass one, let himself out through the door and replace the old one?

    Because I don’t think that would be very practical.

    It would be much better for him to go to the pub wearing a full moonsuit.

  207. Mel Says:

    I did my dissertation on Clevedon Beach Roszs (I did a dissertation in rock pooling – it was brilliant) I was the youngest person there by several generations. Even the Ice Cream lady was 80 if she was a day.

  208. Nick T Says:

    Brass Gloves?

  209. Napoleon Says:

    Roszs – I’ve learned to control that a lot as I’ve grown older. When I was younger, I was in almost permanent nail-related agony thanks to going too far.

    Mel – Rubbish! Yorkshiremen don’t consider anything outside the borders of Yorkshire as anything worth even thinking about. Why would you, when you live in God’s Own Country©?

  210. Napoleon Says:

    Can you buy brass gloves?

  211. roszs Says:

    It used to drive me mad when I lived in Yorkshire and they called it Gods Own Country. They do it ALL THE TIME.

  212. roszs Says:

    You could just dip your hands in molten brass.

  213. Mel Says:

    NC – you can certainly buy brass knuckles, gloves cannot be too much of a stretch.
    Roszs – I know what you mean, they also call Bradford ‘Bratford’ not sure if they are trying to drop hints to non-Yorkshire folk though

  214. Napoleon Says:

    But, Roszs, it IS God’s Own Country. Don’t you read your bible?

    “And on the seventh day, God created Yorkshire – His own country. A place where he could relax and, ye verily, ponder on the shitness of the beer Down South.” – The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway, Chapter 16, Verse 5

  215. Mel Says:

    NC- If you think beer down south is shite, try living abrawds. They don’t know the meaning of beer

  216. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – I’m afraid you’re wrong there. Bradfordians call their city ‘Brat-fudd’, not ‘Bratford’. ‘Bratford’ sounds likes somewhere down south.

  217. piqued Says:

    ‘A first-rate reply, Piqued. Only a master of badinage such as y’self could come up with something so titanically witty as, ‘Shhhhhhh’. I take my hat off to you, you swordsman of the written word.’

    …I cradled your head too, at personal risk I hasten to add

  218. roszs Says:

    Bratfud, they call it. Them Bratfud folk.

  219. Napoleon Says:

    “NC- If you think beer down south is shite, try living abrawds. They don’t know the meaning of beer”

    Unless, like me, you’ve spent most of your foreign adventures in Eastern Europe. Then the beer’s like the nectar of the gods.

    And it’s nice in Belgium too. And Germany. And Italy does a fine line in lager. And you can’t beat a chilled bottle of Spanish or Mexican beer on a hot day. And, and, and …

  220. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Shhhhhhh

  221. Mel Says:

    What is it with the Bratfud then? are they too busy drinking ‘ayul’ and looking over the borders for dragons in god’s country to bother with such trivialities as pronunciation and diction then?

  222. Mel Says:

    OK, don’t bother witht he beer in het Nederlands

    (nor Australia either)

    Utter pish

  223. Mel Says:

    OK, don’t bother with the beer in het Nederlands

    (nor Australia either)

    Utter pish

  224. piqued Says:

    ‘Piqued – Shhhhhhh’

    *combs hair*

    *offers head*

    *notices nails*

    *puts on coat and leaves*

  225. Mel Says:

    oops, sorry for that. I haven’t developed a stutter. WP is being odd

  226. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – You might have heard of a little thing called ‘accents’? Very popular in the north and, indeed, from where you come from. No doubt if you’d spoken your last question instead of typing it, it would have sounded like this:

    “Whaaaat ez et with that thaaaaar Bratfud, then? Arrr they’m doo busy drinkin’ aaaaaaaale an’ lookin over they’m sholeduurrrs overr yon borrderrrs for, loike, draaaguns in God’s cunnndreee to baaavurrr wi’ such triv’yalities as pronounceeeeayshun an’ dickshun then? We’m reeeally loike to know, luvver.”

  227. Nick T Says:


  228. Mel Says:

    Sorry NC, I don’t come from Wiltshire!

  229. Telemachus Says:

    Beer in the het Netherlands is OK. And you can also get Belgian beers there too.

  230. Mel Says:

    TM- most beer in the Netherlands is pish, and they make it so it is more head than beer. But i do concede there are some lovely Belgian beer bars here

  231. Telemachus Says:

    and….in a traditional Netherlands pub they ring a bell if they get a tip.
    I like that. tot zo.

  232. Mel Says:

    Heel lekker – ja?

  233. Napoleon Says:

    I had a nice beer in Holland once. Can’t remember its name, but it was nice.

    Face it, Mel, your argument’s crumbling to dust.

  234. Telemachus Says:

    Netherlands bar = lekker en gezelig!

  235. Napoleon Says:

    I’ll give you Greece for shit beer, mind. Have you ever had Mythos? Fucking muck.

  236. roszs Says:

    In Taunton they call Taunton Tor’un.

    And they say “Who’s coat is that jacket”

    And I once heard a Bristolian on a bus say “You know that Jorrrrdans kid is bloind? Is that coz she shagged Gareth Gates when she were pregunt?”

  237. Telemachus Says:

    I drank Amstel a lot in Greece.

  238. ugeine Says:

    I have had Chinese food before, I just always eat the same thing.

  239. roszs Says:

    In Taunton they call Taunton Tor’un.

    And they say “Who’s coat is that jacket”

    And I once heard a Bristolian on a bus say “You know that Jorduns kid is bloind? Is that coz she shagged Gareth Gates when she were pregunt?”

  240. Telemachus Says:

    In my time in the West Country, I liked going into pubs and shops and the ladies saying, “Alroight moi lover”.

  241. Mel Says:

    In Cornwall all the blokes call you ‘mah burd’. Until you retort with ‘wassat boi?’ whereupon they cease.

    I also love that Bristolians add an l to words that should end in a or o, for example ‘mascarel’ or ‘vidiel’

    Roszs – the person on the bus must have been from ‘aaartcliffe!

  242. roszs Says:

    Look how many times wordpress posted my comment. TWATS.

  243. Mel Says:

    Erm once Roszs?

  244. The Spaghetti Says:

    CBB is dull shite. Watch The Victorian Farm instead. Except you’ve now missed it.

    Never mind, it was a cracking program. Full of people doing useful stuff (albeit in an old-fashioned way).

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