The Friday Question: You Produce!

by

production booth

EDIT

The remit has been expanded to include any current affairs, news or magazine show.

Good morning.

Today’s Friday Question concerns the folk who lurk behind the scenes. The button-pushers, the format-tweakers and the devils in the shadows. I speak, of course, about the Reality TV Production Team.

They are the unseen heroes and villains of Reality TV. If it wasn’t for them, nobody on Masterchef would go on about how winning would be a dream come true, because they wouldn’t be asked constant, leading questions along the lines of ‘just how amazing would you feel if you won it?’.

The Apprentice cast wouldn’t be urged on with cumulatively aggressive questioning and Big Brother housemates wouldn’t, at audition stage, be encouraged to act like complete arseholes the second they get in the bungalow…

SO… If you were behind the scenes of any reality show, be it Wife Swap, Maestro, Strictly Come Dancing or any other that come to mind, how would YOU tweak the format?

You can add or take anything away from the usual progression of events. You can guide the participants to act in a certain way. You can even make everyone take all their clothes off! So that they’d be naked! With all tits and arses everywhere!

You are the Producer.

What will you do?

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233 Responses to “The Friday Question: You Produce!”

  1. The Spaghetti Says:

    Encourage them to all commit suicide. Immediately, and with a minimum of fuss.

  2. wally bazoom Says:

    Does Newsnight count as a reality show? If so, I would swap the studio for a small car which is being driven around the congested centre of a different European centre each day. Guests are picked up for their segments and dropped off when done, sitting in the passenger seat for their segment. Paxman gets increasingly irate at sitting in traffic and not really knowing the way, demanding directions and hurling accusations both about lack of map reading abilities and the wider political context. The whole thing is very claustrophobic.

    Each episode ends with the car being returned to the rental company which is then checked for damages. The deposit then may or may not be returned, which is quite tense and like an eviction or something.

    I would call this Newsnight Brum Brums.

  3. Nick T Says:

    Plant bomb, leave.

    (sorry, it’s all I’ve got)

  4. The Spaghetti Says:

    Well, Newsnight is about real events, so is surely more of a “reality” show than something totally manufactured, like BB.

  5. Swineshead Says:

    Alright – let’s not limit ourselves – any magazine or news or current events show can be tinkered with. Newsnight Brum Brums is sublime.

  6. The Spaghetti Says:

    Not sure this is within the remit, but can someone be employed to slap Paul Merton every time he drags out a joke for too long?

  7. Napoleon Says:

    A sea lion wiould be fun as a guest on Question Time …

    “Does the panel think the timetable for withdrawal from Iraq is realistic?”
    “Sea lion?”
    “ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF!”
    “Thank you. What do you think, Mr. Hoon?”

  8. Nick T Says:

    The News could be brightened up by having the newsreaders dress in hillarious costumes and spontaniously breaking in to song and dance routines.
    This could be performed once a year, perhaps….for erm …charity…..with the possible addition of a red no……

    Celebrity Question Time, hosted by eg Jonathan R…ahhh..

  9. Nick T Says:

    Naps, thanks for my first giggle of the day.

    *G.O.L.S*

  10. Swineshead Says:

    I put it to you, Mr Sachs, that you were already aware that Mr Brand had fcuked your daughter?

  11. The Spaghetti Says:

    Dead Celebrity Wifeswap – Timmy Mallett and family have to live with the decaying corpse of Rod Hull for a fortnight.

  12. Nick T Says:

    ….I also put it to you Signorn Sachs that had you been in at the time arranged BY YOU AND THE BBC, this whole sorry mess could have been avoided.

  13. Swineshead Says:

    Celebrity Wasp Swap – Celebrities unleash swarms of wasps on one anothers homes.

  14. roszs Says:

    Wife Swap: Make them share a bed. Otherwise its not really wife swap, is it.

  15. The Spaghetti Says:

    Celebrity MasterRace – Celebs cook up their fave recipes whilst swapping extreme right wing views.

  16. roszs Says:

    Don’t actually film anything in the Big Brother house. That would be quite amusing.

  17. Napoleon Says:

    Big Brother – Under The Sea. The same idea as normal Big Brother, except they’re deep beneath the ocean. I’d watch this just to see Davina interviewing rejected inmates suffering from ‘The Bends’. I don’t know about you, but I’d pay double my license fee to see an attention-seeking imbecile trying to answer that awful woman’s pointless questions as bubbles of oxygen explode in their brains.

  18. Swineshead Says:

    Bubonic Brother –

    Day 1 – Plague-infected rats are unleashed into the Big Brother garden.
    Day3 – Signs of infection are showing on the housemates.
    Day 7 – Tim is popping a pustule in the kitchen
    Day 39 – Karen is coughing up blood and has gone blind in the jacuzzi.

  19. Napoleon Says:

    XXXtreme Strictly Come Dancing – Nude dancing on snowboards.

    Ice Swap – A man’s wife is swapped with Vanilla Ice.

    Animal Park in Space – Ben Fogle, Kate Humble, Lord Bath and the animals and their keepers of Longleat Safari park are blasted into the icy vacuum of space, then filmed gasping for breath.

    Bargain Cunt – Does what it says on the tin.

  20. Mel Says:

    Hello.

    If i were a producer i would just not allow Fern Britton, Pip Schofield or Jeremy Kyle.
    Their content could simply be replaced by CCTV footage of any town on a Friday, followed by some one telling bored housewives how to check for various lumpy nasties. Public service broadcasting if ever there was any!

  21. Napoleon Says:

    Who Do You Think You Are? – Monster Edition: Genealogists lie to celebrities that they are directly descended from Dracula, Frankenstein’s Monster, The Mummy and The Wolfman using false documents and doctored photographs. The likes of Jodie Marsh, Jordan and Jade Goody would believe these lies.

  22. Swineshead Says:

    Where Do You Think You Are?:

    Micro-celebs are dropped in only a pair of dungarees, with no money or communication devices, in a remote rural part of a foreign country (mountain range, desert etc…) they then have to work out where they are, providing map references and accurate climate information using only sight.

    If they fail, they’re beaten up by local children.

  23. Napoleon Says:

    Raking It: The team has only three weeks to convince a panel of gardeners that a motorcycle courier under their tuition has been raking dried leaves off lawns all his life.

    NewsShite: Paxman reads the news as Kirsty Wark shits in a trough.

    Mad’s Army: Like ‘Lad’s Army’, only with the severely mentally-handicapped being put through their paces.

  24. Napoleon Says:

    Dragon’s Dirty Den – Theo Paphitis gets bludgeoned over the back of the head with a cast-iron scottie dog as Deborah screams and screams and screams.

  25. Napoleon Says:

    Big Buggerer – Twelve housemates are trapped in a darkened room with a determined sodomite.

  26. Mel Says:

    Come Shine with Me: Where celebs are forced to shine shoes outside Waterloo Station, and the ones that can make the most profit wins. The losers have to volunteer in the podiatry department of St Thomas’ Hospital.

  27. Swineshead Says:

    A good old fashioned game of Blind Man’s Bum there, Nappers – good call.

  28. Swineshead Says:

    Anyone see Celeb Come Dine With me with Rodney Marsh?
    He’s a card, that Marsh.

    JO!

    JO!

    Jo?

    *will be lost on anyone who didn’t watch daytime TV rubbish last week*

  29. roszs Says:

    Knife Swap… ummm… some people swap some knives?

    I’m not very good at this game.

  30. Napoleon Says:

    How I Fucked Your Mother – Sons and daughters are strapped to chairs and forced to watch their parents recreating how they used to fuck each other when they first met.

  31. Mel Says:

    Friday Night with Someone Interesting (ie not Jonathan Ross), where Someone Interesting interviews other interesting people, and not the smug bunch they have on at the moment.

  32. piqued Says:

    I’d like to see a proper show about farting in the here and now. The highs, the lows, the smell

  33. Tom Laird Says:

    Secret Pauper:

    A man arrives in a village in a big swanky carannouncing he’s a millionaire and promises to deliver all sorts of tree huggy do goody things. Buys everyone drinks etc. and runs up a massive tab all over town

    Later in the show he is revealed to be a penniless gobshite.

    hahahahah the look on their faces.

  34. Mel Says:

    A place with the scum: Upper middle class twits who decide to leave a TV programme to choose their next home get to be shown round some of the worst sink estates in Britain, and HAVE to choose and purchase one of the mouldy, infested places they are shown. (this may need a different title..)

  35. Tom Laird Says:

    Jonathan Crevice:

    Alan Davies’s arse goes around solving crimes.

  36. Mel Says:

    Apparently ‘Sex: How to do Everything’ has already been made, and is on Channel 5 on Sunday.

  37. Mel Says:

    Tom Laird – wasn’t the arse called Caroline Quentin?

  38. Mel Says:

    Celebrity Roman Gladiators – needs no explanation i feel

  39. Napoleon Says:

    Some new ideas …

    Celebrity Force-Fed Like Geese: The likes of Kate Thornton and Fern Cotton are fed vast quantities of grain until their livers explode.

    I’ll Eat A Corpse To Be Famous: The desperate consume as much of a rotting human carcass as they can for a chance of a recording contract.

    Let’s Beat Cheggars!: Celebrities take it in turns to hit Keith Chegwin with sticks and whips.

    Fire In The Hold!: Members of the public have lit fireworks shoved up their arses, then have to run an assault course to get to a bucket of water to douse the fuse before it runs out. If they fail, Dale Winton roars ‘Fire in the hold!’, signalling that the audience should shelter under their umbrellas to avoid being showered in guts and faeces.

  40. roszs Says:

    Anne’s Blood Diamond. Anne Diamond is crushed until the carbon in her body forms a diamond, and is all covered in her blood (from being crushed). She is then sent to Sierra Leone.

  41. wally bazoom Says:

    Who Do You Think You Were? – Celebrities have their minds erased and then have to guess who they are using yes/no questions. The answer is glued to their forehaed on a rizla.

    What Do You Think That Was? – Celebrities listen to noises down a long tube and identify them.

    Derek Acora’s What Do You Think That Was? – Same as above but in an old hospital at night. Contestant’s are also explicitly informed that whatever sound they hear is produced by a phantom.

    Why Did You Do That? – Hungover celebrities are forced to account for previous night’s debauchery through sobs and dry retching.

    Thomas Hardy’s Wife Swap – Hapless contestants recreate The Mayor Of Casterbridge, only to discover the legally binding implications of their tomfoolery.

    Celebrity Crop Swap – Contestants exchange wheat and barley, learning medieval bartering methods in the process.

    Matt and Luke Goss Saturday Goth Swap Shop – no idea, it sounds good though.

  42. roszs Says:

    I would watch Celebrity Crop Swap.

    Celebrity Top Swap. Famously large funny-man Johnny Vegas has to swap his top with twig-like popstrel Cheryl Cole, and they wear each others tops for a week. This could also raise awareness of obesity in modern Britain or some such.

  43. Napoleon Says:

    Noel’s Grouse Party: “Who’s that at the door?” Noel asks. “It’s a grouse, Noel,” the audience wearily replies for the twentieth time that night.

  44. Napoleon Says:

    Maim That Tune – Lionel Blair and Una Stubbs chainsaw their way through a member of the public’s precious vinyl record collection.

  45. Mel Says:

    Celebrity Kill It, Cook It, Eat It: where they are not hunting ducks or rabbits…

  46. Tom Laird Says:

    Comic Relief:

    Sarah Silverman comes round to my house and gives me a wank

    It’s A Winner!

  47. Napoleon Says:

    The Tossed Salad Restaurant: Couples compete to win a restaurant by sucking as much semen as they can from a prison inmate’s anus.

  48. Tom Laird Says:

    She can even tell a few risque rascist jokes while she’s at it

  49. Mel Says:

    Flog it: where we see juvenile delinquents being soundly whipped on a village green in different locations each week. Then we get some “expert” to make a judgement call as to how chastised they will be, and poll the audience afterwards to see how close the expert’s estimate was.

    Roszs – did you use any food at weapons at your dinner party yesterday?

  50. Napoleon Says:

    Children In Tweed: Terry Wogan asks the public to give generously so the BBC can kit out abused children in tweed suits.

    Noel’s Unwanted Christmas Presents: Noel gives a family who have been having a bad time of it recently a ghastly resin statuette of Charlie Chaplin. They pretend to be delighted with his gift, then shove it at the back of the wardrobe when he leaves.

    Car Boot Challenge: With a dead body in the boot, can the contestants get to a pre-arranged point on the map without being pulled over by the police? Their out-of-date tax discs, bald tyres and smashed rear tail lights say it’s unlikely …

  51. roszs Says:

    Tom – that is brilliant. I would apply for that show.

    Mel – no, I was quite well behaved but I got fairly pissed and one of the people there admitted they were going to be on quality daytime Jasper Carrot fronted programme Golden Balls and I was shouting “EVEN IF THEY’RE OLD AND CRIPPLED YOU MUST STEAL THEIR FUCKING MONEY DON’T SPLIT IT EVEN IF THEY HAVE NO LEGS AND NEED THE MONEY FOR LEGS YOU MUST STEAL IT NEVER SPLIT NEVER SPLIT” and then realised everyone had gone very quiet. I hate dinner parties.

  52. wally bazoom Says:

    Celebrity Pile On Pile It On Pilled Up Pile Up Put Up – 7 celebrities on mind beding drug E drive a people carrier at dangerous speeds around the M25 whilst simulateously leaping on one another while each trying to balance an overfilled carvery dinner plate without spilling anything. The winner is the last one to lose their temper.

  53. The Spaghetti Says:

    Celebrity Organ Swap – ultra healthy celebs are forced to donate to lardies like the afore-mentioned Johnny Vegas.

    Actually, scrub that. He’s shit so should be allowed to die.

  54. Tom Laird Says:

    Dinner With Portillo:

    A special edition where he does a bunk out the toilet window leaving Germaine Greer, An opinionated American woman no ones heard of, Trevor Phillips ,Andrew Lloyd Weber and Tariq Ali to argue the toss about who had what.

  55. roszs Says:

    Children In Leeds – CCTV footage of kids hanging round outside the corn exchange.

  56. roszs Says:

    It’s a Cock Out!

    Celebrities have to get their cocks out.

  57. The Spaghetti Says:

    “Blue” Peter – late night edition.

  58. The Spaghetti Says:

    Could mean a return for John Leslie

  59. roszs Says:

    Seal or No Seal.

    Seal is put into a box, and has to make seal noises, while actual seals are put into other boxes, then people have to guess which box Seal is in. Or something. Maybe if they win they get to club him to death?

  60. Napoleon Says:

    I’d watch ‘Children In Leeds’.

  61. Tom Laird Says:

    You do all realise we have sorted Channel 4’s Schedule for the next five years.

  62. Nick T Says:

    I’ll be glad when Ross is back on Radio 2 tomorrow.
    Last weeks luvvy fest with Lisa Tarbuck and Kaffy Berk name dropping their famous friends made me do a little sick….

  63. roszs Says:

    Heh. I bet they’re pressing F5 repeatedly right now.

  64. roszs Says:

    Monkey tennis!

  65. Nick T Says:

    Kreal or No Kreal. Celebrity fishermen (women?) decide what to take on their frishing trip….

  66. Nick T Says:

    Too late Roszs http://www.monkeytennis.org.uk/

  67. The Spaghetti Says:

    Top Gear – Lilly Allen and her ilk “test-drive” class A drugs. And are then jailed.

  68. roszs Says:

    Nick – its a quote innit, from Alan P.

    “Youth hostelling with Chris Eubank! Cooking in Prison! Monkey tennis?”

  69. Mel Says:

    Ha, Roszs has inspired the following:

    Come Dine with Mothers: where some hapless chump has to prepare a dinner party for the WWM regulars, who are all pissed. They must include one deadly vegetable, should NC take umbrage at their presentation. Roszs could give them life coaching, and advice on how to win at a plethora of game shows. SH would be allowed to ask the questions, and preside over the event, TV can provide the vodka, Eugine can pop by to laugh at the jokes, and I don’t think i need to explain what the Spaghetti is for…

  70. Tom Laird Says:

    The Apprentice.

    16 year olds compete in a grueling marathon of torture for 12 weeks in order to get a job carrying a fat 55 year old plummer’s bag around and make him endless cups of tea for the next 3 years.

  71. roszs Says:

    Mel, I think you’ve got something good there. I will give you 27p for 86% of the concept.

    It could be followed by a special edition called Some Brine With Me, where some people come round my house and drink brine.

  72. roszs Says:

    Come Dine With Meat. Nick T has to sit in a meat factory, eating nothing but carcasses.

  73. Mr H Says:

    I’m A Celebrity Liver Swap

    Well known celebrity alcoholics exchange livers with well known celebrity health freaks.

    Paedos In Speedos

    Well known celebrity paedos are forced to parade through a satellite town shopping centre wearing nothing but speedos and a sign saying “I am Gary Glitter, please may I have the sex with your children”.

    I’m A Celebrity Naked Teenage Schoolgirl Hockey Player, Get Him Away From Me

    Well known celebrity teenage schoolgirls run around a field waving sticks in the air, while being avidly pursued by men of a certain vintage.

    Darts In Me Arse

    Well known celebrities bare their arses, while Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor attempts to hit a bullseye for charidee.

  74. Mel Says:

    I’d be a contestant on that one Roszs. Tell you what, If you can get that Duncan Bannatyne to come in for half your share and a bazillion pounds, as well as bringing his “media contacts” to the party, then I’m in.

  75. Telemachus Says:

    Political Holiday Showdown. For example,The Browns’s and the Cameron’s go on each others holiday.
    One proviso, no freebies. So 2 weeks in Tuscany or on a millionaires yacht not allowed.

  76. Napoleon Says:

    As it ‘appens, Mel, Piqued and I discussed having a bit of a get-together, but Swineshead poo-poohed it as he’s anti-social. Also, I think he’s worried you’ll all turn out to be rapists.

    I don’t think you’ll all turn out to be rapists, by the way. I reckon you’ll all turn out to be murderers.

  77. The Spaghetti Says:

    Celebrity Wife Beat – no explanation needed, but I’d def tune in for the Richard and Judy episode.

  78. Swineshead Says:

    Well, this is going quite well….

  79. Mel Says:

    well, NC, I’m afraid you’ll never know about me. I don’t live in that there Engerlund, and use WWM to catch up on all the shit TV i have missed out on.

    I reckon you’d be OK as long as you don’t ask Dave.

    SH admitted yesterday that he keeps his mouth shut at dinner parties, so i don’t suppose you’d notice if her were there or not.

  80. Nick T Says:

    I’m going up to the London next saturday. I am recording an interview at The Groucho Club. I think they serve peacocks and swans there….

  81. Telemachus Says:

    Where do you live Mel?

  82. The Spaghetti Says:

    A straighforward re-make of The A-Team. Starring:

    BA – Ainsley Harriott
    Hannibal – Lou Carpenter from Neighbours
    Face – Richard Madeley
    Murdoch – Timmy Mallett

  83. Telemachus Says:

    BTW: I mean generally not exactly!

  84. Mel Says:

    Doctors: Where we get to see celebrities discussing their specific type of cockrot with the family doctors. Not sure I’d tune into that one though.

  85. Mel Says:

    TM: in the previously discussed Nederlands

  86. roszs Says:

    Spaghetti, that is inspired casting.

  87. Telemachus Says:

    Political Come dine with me.
    Brown, Cameron, Galloway, Haig and Pegg all go round to each others for dinner.

  88. Telemachus Says:

    oh ok..you get the bbc there, so you are exposed to some of it.

  89. Telemachus Says:

    Alstublieft!

  90. Napoleon Says:

    I’d Like To Teach The World To Shit: Dermot O’Leary travels to the Third World to teach the poor how to shit properly.

    Eugenics Measurement Challenge: Contestants measure people’s faces to determine their racial purity. Those who don’t make the grade are gassed in underground chambers.

    Uphill Pleading Caged Ex-Celebrity Furnace Sacrifice: Maureen from Driving School, Jeremy from Airport and those Big Brother fools are forced into a cage and then pushed up a slope towards a furnace. They plead for their lives, but these pleas fall on deaf ears as they are ultimately cast into the flames as a sacrifice to the gods.

  91. Mel Says:

    Cash in the Bank: where ordinary members of the public take their bank shares that they were all given when building societies all became banks in the 90s (providing they didn’t cash them in for the windfall) and try to flog them at a car boot sale for pennies.

  92. The Spaghetti Says:

    Pimp My Bride – Westwood makes over a groom’s car in exchange for one night with his new bride.

  93. Mel Says:

    Channel 4 News at Moon: Krishnan Gurumurthy delivers the days events, with his bottom hanging out. Or actually from the moon, I cannot decide which is better

  94. Mel Says:

    Judge Judy: a snarky, loud old woman gets to follow Judy Finnegan around and judge her on the quality (or otherwise) her links and PAs etc.

  95. roszs Says:

    Why not combine the two, Mel?

    Nick, the Groucho eh? Mind out, you might bump into that Piqued feller.

  96. The Spaghetti Says:

    Stash in the Attic – a look at the lives of weed growers in South London

  97. Mel Says:

    Project Catwalk: Trude Mostue gets a show about rehabilitating cats that have been run over, and have clawed their way back from the brink of death.

  98. roszs Says:

    Does anyone remember Lee and Herring doing their audience challenge where you had to think up sitcoms based around popular sayings? The best was Rotten To The Core which was something along the lines of Johnny Rotten opens up an apple shop, where every week the apples go rotten for a variety of hilarious reasons. The lovely Corr sisters have a rival apple shop, and he is very jealous of their good apples, and is therefore rather rotten to the Corrs when he speaks to them.

  99. Telemachus Says:

    Property and renovation programs/place in the sun/relocation x 3/ etc…
    All of them go off together to explore the emerging market in Iraq.

  100. Swineshead Says:

    I don’t recall poo pooing anything.

    I mean, I pooed on Piqued’s chest, but that doesn’t count.

  101. Napoleon Says:

    Chris Waddle Shoots At Asylum Seekers: An abandoned hospital, hundreds of terrified asylum seekers and Chris Waddle, packing heat.

  102. Nick T Says:

    That’s why I mentioned it Roszs……

    The bike dvds are in the post so he may give me the cold shoulder, or knee.

  103. Napoleon Says:

    You poo-poohed that idea on the grounds that you secretly believe the WWM readership are socially-inept freaks who’ll kill you if they ever came into contact with you, Swineshead. No point denying it.

  104. Telemachus Says:

    oh and the next “in thing”, Iraqi food, so all the chefs can go too.

  105. ugeine Says:

    Towers of London go to the Towers of London: Shite rock band Towers of London get tried for their crimes against music and tortured in the actual towers of london. Music by Keane.

    America’s Next Top Hooker: If I was in charge of Americans Next Top Model, I’d take a leaf from GTAIV and make this show a reality.

    Reality, heh…

  106. Mel Says:

    Celebrity DEET or no DEET: Celebrities are exposed to malaria carrying mosquitoes, and the audience has to guess which of them is wearing the insect repellent, and then we see who develops the symptoms

  107. The Spaghetti Says:

    You Are What You Eat Extreme – Gillian McKeith forces Johnny Vegas and other unrepentant fatties to eat themselves

  108. ugeine Says:

    Let’s hunt and kill Justin Lee Collins: Does what it says on the tin.

  109. Napoleon Says:

    Sod ’em & Begorrah: Thieving Irish landscape gardeners / driveway tarmaccers / roofers are caught on hidden camera in the act of robbing old women of their savings for unecessary work, then sodomised by Matt Albright.

  110. Napoleon Says:

    The Sex Factor – Simon Cowell, Louis Walsh and the other two try to guess the sex of hard to sex animals like cheetah cubs and weasels.

  111. ugeine Says:

    This is slowly turning into that episode of Alan Partridge.

    Littlejohn’s littlejohns: Richard Littlejohn goes on an investigative jounrey into the world of men with tiny willies. Littlejohn then berates them for been tofu chewing liberal softy guardianistas and each episode drives back to his fortified mansion in Florida, has a cheese sarnie, salutes the flag and whacks off over a picture of himself. Music by Keane.

  112. Mel Says:

    An extension of the Spaghetti’s suggestion – you are what you eat extreme – get Gillian Mckeith to eat Johnny Vegas. If her theory is correct, we then won’t have to put up with the fake doctor ever again…

  113. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – You could also have ‘Littlejohn Demands Answers’, where the universally-reviled Daily Mail columnist stands on his battlements shouting into a megaphone, “What the hell’s happened to this country? It’s political correctness gawn maaaaaaaad!”, over and over again.

  114. Napoleon Says:

    I’d pay money to watch Gillian McKeef drown in a vat of excrement.

  115. ugeine Says:

    There’s a whole reservoir of Littlejohn related themes, I think we should start our own production company, Napoleon. Adding onto these two, we could have ‘Littejohn: You couldn’t make it up’ where Littlejohn takes a different news story every day and blames it on liberals / foruns / PC nazi elf’ and safety though police.

    Plus, a Littlejohn VS Bill O’reilley special where they wrestle for the title of most hateful conservative prick.

  116. Napoleon Says:

    I had an idea for a game show many years ago called ‘The Ultimate Hammer of Justice’. A family man has to answer a set of ever more difficult questions and, if he gets just one wrong, he has to witness his wife and kids being beaten to death with hammers. Not one network took up my idea, the bastards.

  117. Nick T Says:

    I think the Pol Pot took it up Naps

  118. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – How’s about ‘Littlejohn Over Britain’? Littlejohn flies around the British Isles in a helicopter, blaming everything on the gays over a tannoy.

    And then there’s ‘Littlejohn Thinks It Stinks’, where our hero has to identify foreigners by sniffing their clothes. When he spots a shirt that he believes to have been worn by a black, he turns to the audience and says, “I’m Littlejohn, and I think this STINKS!”.

  119. ugeine Says:

    Napoleon: I’ll pitch it to my people if Noel Edmonds is the host.

  120. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – Well if he did, the bastard didn’t pay me any fucking royalties.

  121. The Spaghetti Says:

    The Bill – Former soap “stars” are filmed whilst paying for goods and services

  122. The Spaghetti Says:

    Challenged Anneka – Anneka Rice is forced to perform ever more difficult tasks, whilst trying to recover from a nervous breakdown

  123. Mel Says:

    How Clean is this Mouse: Kim and Aggie team up with the Natural History department of the BBC and travel the globe in search of various species of mice (other rodents also permissible). When they find them, Kim has to condescend them and take them in a firm hand, while Aggie swabs various body parts to assess them for bacteria load.

  124. ugeine Says:

    Two more brilliant ideas, Napoleon. How about a tv film special, like the da vinci code, where Littlejohn searches for the secret council of elf’ and safety nazis (Oficially known as ‘the PC brigade’) and uncovers their huge conspiricy to make the whole of england follow stupid ‘elf and safety laws and pander to immigrants?

    We could go through a bunch of exotic locations around England, such as Darlington, Bridgend, Luton and the like, while littlejohn and his sassy muslim hating side kick / love interest mel phillips helps him break into councils and find out why they’re not allowing donkey rides in seasides anymore? All the while he is stalked by a strange man who turns out to be a guardian hack.

    Then Littlejohn goes to see an old friend who tells him what he knew all along: The PC madness was actually invented by a bunch of communists in the 50s, as a smokescreen to distract the pulbic while they invent homosexuality, with the aim of killing off the royal family. All this is solved and Littlejohn is a national hero.

  125. Mel Says:

    Through the Keyhole: we get to watch surgery on z listers, while Lloyd Grosman intones “Now who would live for another 40 years, provided the surgeon doesn’t sneeze, and excise the right ventricle”

  126. Napoleon Says:

    The Secret Poundannaire – A minimum wage earner travels to a deprived part of the country and pretends to be an ordinary member of the public. After a week, he identifies those in the community in most need of his help, and gives them a pound.

  127. The Spaghetti Says:

    Rosemary and Time – convicted killer Rose West serves time.

  128. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – I’d watch that. I’d also watch ‘Littlejohn Pisses On Their Graves’, where the big man travels the length and breadth of the land finding the graves of long-dead famous homosexuals. Then he pisses on those graves.

  129. Do I not like that! Says:

    I would have the ref miked up during televised football matches.

  130. The Spaghetti Says:

    Minder – re-make starring Shane Ritchie

    Sorry, I’ve gone too far this time. No-one would be stupid enough to try that for real.

  131. Mel Says:

    Comic Relief: Where we actually get to see funny comics on TV

  132. Mel Says:

    Bargain Punt: set in Cambridge, people must buy a punt that represents the best value for money.

  133. Rodti Says:

    Perhaps a worryingly hardcore version of Location, Location, Location? Kirsty and Phil could kick off the proceedings by shoving PCP suppositories up each others arses before dragging unwitting members of the public around seventeen idyllic properties in rural Hertfordshire in a drug-fuelled blur, murdering them with a hammer and burying them in the walls using their own shit as plaster.

    Works for me.

  134. Napoleon Says:

    Sutcliffe’s Search For A Star: A talent contest where the winner is beaten to death by hammer-wielding madman, Peter Sutcliffe.

    Dig Up Bob!: Teams use clues to locate the remains of Bob Monkhouse (who is dug up and buried in a new location each week).

    Treasure Cunt: Like Channel Four’s ‘Treasure Hunt’, only the treasure turns out to be an evening in the company of an arrogant car salesman with unpleasant racist views.

  135. piqued Says:

    A Partridge among the Pigeons, it can open with Alan Partridge in Trafalgar Square going ‘aaaah, look at all these pigeons…’

    Monkey Tennis?

  136. The Spaghetti Says:

    Blind Date – 3 contestants give pre-prepared answers to daft questions in a bid to win a date with an acid-throwing maniac

  137. Napoleon Says:

    Cilla’s Nasty Surprise Surprise: Audience members are invited onto Cilla’s sofa only to discover they’ve been overpaid Working Families’ Tax Credits. Or their dog’s dead.

  138. Mr H Says:

    Have I Got Poos For You

    Well known celebrities try to guess the identity of the mystery guest, just by smelling his / her poo.

    Cock the Week

    Uninteresting so-called comedians shove their dicks up each others arses while telling each other how funny they are.*

    Shooting Stars Through the Keyhole

    Well known celebrities are fired from cannons into the living rooms of other well known celebrities, then try to guess whose house they are in before they bleed to death

  139. Mr H Says:

    * may already be on TV

  140. Mel Says:

    How about ‘Watch out Littlejohn’s About’: where Richard Littlejohn pretends to be an ‘elfnsafe T’ officer, and goes around shouting at immigrants for their perceived flouting of these regulations to hilarious effect

  141. ugeine Says:

    Knife Swap: a gang from south London and a gang from inner city Glasgow swap for a week. They then meet up and bitch about the different styles of knife crime they encounter. Subtitled for Middle England.

  142. Mr H Says:

    Rack Of Fortune

    Well known celebrities try to save the life of a well known celebrity by answering general knowledge questions. get them wrong and the rack gets turned!

    Beat the Nation

    Well known celebrity families try to win money for charidee by masturbating furiously to see who comes first.

    Going for Goold

    A pack of savage hunting dogs set out to catch well known celebrity wino Jilly Goolden. The longer she lives, the more money she wins for her favourite charidee.

    I’m Famous and Frightwigged!

    Well known celebrity toupee wearers have to undertake frightening challenges, without wearing a wig, hosted by Bruce Forsyth.

  143. ugeine Says:

    Littlejohn’s very own property show: Littlejohn shows a foreign family looking to start a new life in England around three lovely little homes in suburban estates, and then berates them for comin’ over here and takin’ our jobs.

  144. Napoleon Says:

    Kinderfarten: Children with stomach problems fart repeatedly into microphones as a man dressed as Hitler goose-steps around them shouting, “Ja! Die Kinder farting! Betrachten Sie sie farting, die schmutzigen farters!”.

  145. ugeine Says:

    Can Cook, Won’t cook: food observer monthly types are taken into a kitchen by a self confessed crap cook and taught how to cut corners. In episode one, a cesar salad is created by just putting some salad cream on some lettuce.

  146. Mr H Says:

    Don’t Get Done, Get Dick & Dom

    Members of the public beat childrens TV presenters about their heads with baseball bats. Just because.

    My Bare Lady

    Revised for the UK market, this new reality show follows the fortunes of the Queens Ladys In Waiting, who now have to undertake all their public duties in the nude.

    Hit Me, Baby, One More Time

    Back for a new series, five former pop stars sing their biggest hit along with a cover version of a contemporary hit. Should they fail to stay in tune (as monitored by a customised Autotunes computer), then they are hit in the face with Vernon Kays baby.

  147. Mel Says:

    The Professionals: A fly on the wall documentary that looks at the everyday lives of professionals. Starts off by following exciting professionals, like stunt men or something. As the series go by, and following some scandal over the way they have portrayed Britain’s favourite professions, they get more and more desperate until they end up following people that call themselves “professional something” (e.g that boorish man that gets radio play and goes on The Wright stuff, calling himself a Professional Complainer)

  148. The Spaghetti Says:

    Whicker’s World – Alan Whicker is imbued with magical powers, and everything he touches turns to wicker.

  149. Mel Says:

    Swineshead Revisited

  150. Napoleon Says:

    Eyes Like Bowie: Four contestants gouge out their eyes onto a tray. Frantically stuffing different combinations of eyes from the communal tray into their bloody sockets, the one who’s fastest to get ‘Eyes Like Bowie’ wins a copy of Alladin Sane.

  151. The Spaghetti Says:

    Gardeners Whirled – Diarmuid Gavin and Alan Titchmarsh are spun around until they vomit.

  152. Mel Says:

    oops.
    Swineshead revisited (now with added format): A cam corder on the door of this website, and then a good look at the people that come here, especially those that return again.

  153. Napoleon Says:

    Aladdin Sane, sorry.

  154. Mr H Says:

    Katie & Peter: The Last Chapter

    Jordan and Peter Andre sign a suicide pact. Watch the highs and lows, the tears and tantrums as the plastic twosome choose the best way to end their lives. Members of the public can vote for their favourite of the Top 3 Methods Of Destruction in a live final.

    Comic Relief Does Fame Academy

    Celebrity sexathon, as Lenny Henry, Kate Thornton and Graham Norton have an orgy with Lemar, Sinéad Quinn and David Sneddon.

  155. ugeine Says:

    Watch With Smothers: Members of The Great British Public try to guess if different WWM people like or dislike a certain show, and if they’re wrong, Napoleon smothers them with a pillow.

  156. ugeine Says:

    Newsgush: A News reader tries to read the news while SH masturbates frantically behind them, eventually covering them in his seed.

  157. Napoleon Says:

    Bum Gardener’s Question Time: Confirmed buggerers ask a panel of buggerees buggery-related questions.

    Busman’s Lolly-Day: Paedophile bus drivers travel to Japan and try and entice schoolgirls into parks using lollies.

    Dirty Boy!: An hour-long compliation of clips of dogs doing poos.

    Going For Old: Age-specific rapists are let loose on a sheltered-accomodation block.

  158. Mel Says:

    Comic Relief Does Dallas?

  159. The Spaghetti Says:

    Parkinsons – celebrities are repeatedly asked the same questions by an increasingly confused aged interviewer.

  160. Swineshead Says:

    Easy there, Ugeine. You’d blow the budget on my fee.

  161. roszs Says:

    Ugeine, I was in a pub yesterday and there was some graffiti in the toilets reading “KEANE ROCK!!!!!” Underneath someone had written “Don’t be ridiculous”.

  162. Napoleon Says:

    Jizzbath Celebrity Jeopardy: Celebrities attempt Generation Game-style challenges. If they fail, they are bathed in jism.

    John The Baptist My Ride: Cars are given the chance to baptise Messiahs in a river, then have their roofs cut off at the behest of a foul-tempered Middle Eastern queen.

    Methylated Madness: Tramps are plied with meths and then, when they’re comatose, they’re driven over the edge of a cliff using a JCB.

  163. ugeine Says:

    Hahaha. I never thought Keane fans would vandalise anything.

  164. Nick T Says:

    Shooting Starz – The clues’s in the title

    Later with Jools Holland – As original but much much later…..

  165. ugeine Says:

    Noel Edmond’s House party: Noel Edmonds shows up at a house party uninvited, drinks all the booze, does a lot of coke and smashes all your stuff, then rides his girlfriend on your bed till the early morning before taking off while you’re asleep.

  166. The Spaghetti Says:

    Naturist Watch – Bill Odie spies on nude sunbathers, and attempts to evade arrest.

  167. Mel Says:

    Nick T: In south London, that would be called Laters, Jools Holland.

  168. Napoleon Says:

    Dominic Diamond’s Doorstep Dogshit Dipstick Derby: Contestants have half an hour to stick as much dog poo as they can through a letterbox using a dipstick. Hosted by Dominic Diamond.

  169. Napoleon Says:

    Your Mother Or Your Life: Self-explanatory.

  170. The Spaghetti Says:

    The Crystal Maize – Billy Crystal grows maize.

  171. The Spaghetti Says:

    Countdown – Contestants must successfully answer number and word puzzles against the clock, to prevent the start of World War 3.

  172. Napoleon Says:

    Now Who’s The Fucking Daddy?: Rolf Harris capers around the corpse of Tony Hart, flicking paint at it.

  173. ugeine Says:

    How to look good rabid: A bunch of religious fanatics are given style tips.

  174. Napoleon Says:

    Norman’s Norman Wisdom: A frail and clearly distressed Norman Wisdom is barraged with questions about the Battle of Hastings by an ex-army Colour Sergeant.

  175. Nick T Says:

    The Miaze Crystal – Lyle Maize manufactures chrystal meth with hilarious concequences…

  176. Mel Says:

    Piers Morgan On:
    Less
    Fire
    The Dole

    Any of those would suit me.

    Well, this has been a fun Friday Question. If any of these get commissioned, we can share out the royalties.

    I hope you get some more good ones. I have to go to a conference now, that lasts all weekend. I am also back at work next week, but have enjoyed my visit!

  177. piqued Says:

    ‘The Secret Murderer’

    A deranged sociopath charms himself into the lives of three families living in a run-down area of Northampton by posing as an avuncular Social Worker called Andrew.

    Sue, a single mother of three, and Brian, a recent widower, live alongside Patty and Raymond in the troubled Jubilee estate within earshot of Silverstone. ‘Andrew’ (real name Max Exersenz) is only to happy to help out with the shopping and cleaning whilst deliberating what each would look like wearing their own livers as a fucking hat.

    After nearly getting caught try to insert his flaccid penis into a recently despatched pet rabbit, Patty begins to have her suspicions giving Max the green light to carve ‘mother’ on his chest with a fork and kick off a frenzied killing spree that begins with Patty having her face smeared off with a Blackspur rasp and culminates in the hapless Max actually managing to insert Brian into his own arsehole when he pops by to find out what all the commotion is.

    On discovering his wife’s mangled corpse in the bath, an angry Raymond confronts Max. Fearing his identity has been ousted Max takes the precaution of biting out Raymond’s eyes before pulling his pancreas out with his gnarled hand. This is almost the last straw for Max as he secretly loved Raymond and so he cheerlessly punishes himself by eating most of Patty’s dead right tit whilst pulling himself off with a brick.

    Will Sue and her quivering young chargers be the beneficiary of Max’s benevolent evil? Do tune in to find out, starts tea-time Sunday.

  178. wally bazoom Says:

    Uncork THAT, If You Can – Panel of doubtful experts observe weeds and softies as they attempt to extract and old style cork from a variety of holes eg bottle, cheese, nose etc. Win-Ton.

    I’m all wet, get it inside me – Eat-all-you-can style challenge show where port town residents have one hour to cook a sailor’s favourite meal (phoned in offshore) and then feed it to them the moment they land. Wo-Gan.

    Let’s get that dirty old cow – Infantile and inhumane farm based challenge where contestants simply chase a cow around a paddock in an attempt to pin it down, wrestling style. No holds are barred, but the clock is ticking and something is up for grabs in a lifetime. Nor-Ton.

    Cow In The Paddick – extended version of former with behind the scenes view and running commentary by former Met Police Chief Brian Paddick.

    The Skipton Factor – North Yorkshire market town rated by panel of experts including finance minister, town planner, quantity surveyor and health expert. One off, bank holiday thrill package. Thorn-Ton.

  179. Napoleon Says:

    What Price, Fiona?: Multi-Millionaires offer newsreader Fiona Bruce increasing sums of money in an attempt to get her to show one of them her private parts (including anus).

    Don’t Dando That Dodo!: Scientifcally-recreated live dodos are let loose on the streets of London pursued by innocent celebrity murderer, Barry George.

    How’s Howe?: Contestants attempt to find out if former Tory bigwig Geoffrey Howe is still alive and, if he is, is he alright?

  180. The Spaghetti Says:

    Pi In The Sky – Stephen Hawking answers viewers’ questions on physics whilst learning to pilot a light aircraft.

  181. The Spaghetti Says:

    Tarrant on TV – Chris Tarrant argues for and against transvestisism.

  182. Napoleon Says:

    Don’t Mention The Whore: A man must attempt to completely ignore his wife’s increasingly screeching enquiries as to why there’s a prostitute in the corner of her living room to win a fabulous two-week break to Mauritius.

    We’ve Had A Lovely Day: The cutting-to-the-chase game show where contestants are brought on, told they’ve lost the game, and then tell the host they’ve had a lovely day before leaving the stage clutching a consolation prize.

    Bucket’s Bucket: Late-night show where Dominic Diamond and a panel of invited guests discuss upskirt paparazzi shots of Patricia Routledge’s fanny.

  183. The Spaghetti Says:

    Bullseye – Jim Bowen hosts a crash course in bovine occular disease

  184. wally bazoom Says:

    Privet Dick – Phallus based competative topiary show.

    Ram Down Your Gorge – Valley based competative sheep herding show.

  185. Napoleon Says:

    Mindless Watercolour Challenge – Severely brain-damaged motorcycle accident victims attempt to paint Winchester Cathedral as a panel of artists laugh and laugh and laugh.

    Seaside To CEO: Seagulls are put in charge of a trans-global oil and gas company on the very day the Russians are due to arrive in the boardroom to discuss a lucrative Siberian pipeline contract.

  186. The Spaghetti Says:

    Name That Hoon – Geoff Hoon must identify relatives from body parts sent by post

  187. The Spaghetti Says:

    Riverside Cottaging – Hugh F-W pesters strangers for sex, by a river

  188. Napoleon Says:

    Credit Crunch Cat: Families on the verge of losing their homes are given financial advice from a cat.

    Pig Christmas: Hidden-camera show where greedy children unwrap pork products from under the Christmas tree, and then wail their ungrateful little heads off.

    Hawking’s Gawking: Unsuspecting women are spied upon in the showers by Dalek-like super-egg-head, Professor Stephen Hawking. He wanks using a futuristic machine he invented using science, the brainiac.

  189. The Spaghetti Says:

    The Cook Report – Roger Cook pursues Gordon Ramsay all over the Costa Del Sol

  190. The Spaghetti Says:

    How To Look 10 Years Older – contestants are put through harrowing trials in a bid to prematurely age them

  191. The Spaghetti Says:

    Or…

    How To Look 10 Years Older – a guide for early teens on how to buy fags and booze

  192. Napoleon Says:

    Work For Your Money: The long-term unemployed have to wade naked through vats of rotting fish innards, picking pound coins off of strings suspended from poles held by tax-payers. Meanwhile, a PA system barks out the words, “YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN DROWNED AT BIRTH, YOU DREGS!”, over and over again. Hosted by Richard Littlejohn.

    B.N.Penis – Dominic Diamond introduces Britain’s most racist penises.

  193. The Spaghetti Says:

    Last of the Summer Wine – elderly alcoholics rampage as home-brew supplies dwindle.

  194. Napoleon Says:

    The Holy Vice Of St. Francis Of Assisi: Contestants have their heads crushed in a big vice made from compressed animal parts.

    Jade’s Toenail Challenge: Can everyone’s favourite bald-headed, racist imbecile eat a pint glass full of toenails for the chance to appear on the front cover of Hello!? She’ll certainly try!

    Livin’ On A Prayer: Religious idiots test their faith to breaking point when, stripped of all earthly chattels, they have to ask God to provide them with everything from clothing to clean drinking water.

  195. The Spaghetti Says:

    DIY SOS – See the Emergency Services respond to 999 calls, where home improvement has gone terribly wrong.

  196. Napoleon Says:

    Spender In My Bed: Couples retreat to bed only to find miserable Newcastle police officer ‘Spender’ is already there. Do they turf him out, or do they simply ignore him and hope he leaves of his own accord?

    Spender Laid That Cable, Not Me!: The man of the house attempts to convince his horrified wife that the giant turd that’s anchored itself to the bottom of the toilet bowl is the responsibility of miserable Newcastle police officer ‘Spender’, not his.

    Spender’s Blender: The lady of the house wants a smoothie, but miserable Newcastle police officer ‘Spender’s’ got a firm hold of the blender. Does she wrestle it off him, or go and buy a smoothie from the shops?

  197. The Spaghetti Says:

    Spender Penny – Dour Geordie reviews public conveniences.

  198. The Spaghetti Says:

    Byker Grave – Ghastly Geordie kids entombed in a youth centre.

  199. Napoleon Says:

    Spender And The Raiders Of The Lost Ark: Miserable Newcastle police officer ‘Spender’ fights Nazis on a quest to find the lost Ark of the Covenant. Then gets beaten up in a car park in Middlesborough.

  200. Napoleon Says:

    Spender Rapes The Care Bears Christmas Special …

    … I think I’ll stop there.

  201. Napoleon Says:

    Well, except for …

    Pro-Celebrity Cock-Dockers: Celebrities and gay porn strars team up to dock cocks in an attempt to win £10,000 for a charity of their choice.

  202. Nick T Says:

    Well done everyone.

    I think good work has been done.

    Not at my work though.

    I have to go and interview some temp for a dull job.

    He’s more qualified than everyone I know put together……

  203. The Spaghetti Says:

    Sorry, one more…

    Crotchphrase – Roy Walker invites you to “say what you see” as popular catchphrases are enacted though penile manipulation.

  204. roszs Says:

    Wow.

    WOW.

    We’ve really got some blue-sky-outta-the-box kinda thinking going on here guys!

    *high fives*

    Lets all get a mochacino to celebrate! Yeah!

  205. Dave Says:

    I am deeply hurt by Mel’s comment. I’d make a great guest at the WWM party. I’d bring a multipack of Monster Munch and a small bag to keep a lock of everyone’s hair in. Bitch.

  206. ugeine Says:

    Geesebenders: A documentary about a community of openly homosexual geese living just outside Walthamstow.

  207. Dave Says:

    Big potatoes: A documentary following a potato picker’s quest to FIND THE BIGGEST ONES FOR HIS GODDAMN SELFISH SELF – an abuse of power that’s been overlooked for decades now.

  208. extremelisteningmode Says:

    I’d bring back the Girlie Show because everything’s gone to pot since it was taken off.

  209. The Spaghetti Says:

    Everythingwent to pot ‘cos it was put on air in the first place.

  210. Nick T Says:

    Gone To Pot – …………….that’s enough

  211. ugeine Says:

    Gone to pot: three-piece punk-based instrumental rock band Gone travel to the birthplace of Pol Pot.

  212. Tom Laird Says:

    Three Men in a Goat:

    Caprine capers as Dara O’Briaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiain , Rory McGrath and Griff Rhys Jones tag team a nanny goat. Last one to come wins.

    All proceeds to the RSPCA

  213. ugeine Says:

    ‘Children In Leeds – CCTV footage of kids hanging round outside the corn exchange.’

    I missed this first time! acers.

  214. Nick T Says:

    *Looks around playgroud*

    Is it half term?

  215. Swineshead Says:

    I’m just too freaking busy to do a review today. I’ve asked Nappers to submit something but he’s probably wanking in his bed, so I wouldn’t hold out any hope. Back to normal tomorrow, all being well.

  216. Nick T Says:

    You could come over to my place and talk about Victorian Farm http://nicktann.blogspot.com/2009/01/victorian-farm.html
    or erm not

  217. Napoleon Says:

    *interrupts bed-based masturbation session*

    What was that?

  218. Rodti Says:

    *interrupts bed-based masturbation session*

    Bed-based? How pedestrian.

  219. Von Says:

    *beds pedestrian based session masturbator*

    Interrupts.

  220. Rodti Says:

    Quite frankly if you’ve never wanked off a pedestrian you’ve not lived.

  221. Rich Says:

    Big Mother

    If your Mother’s big you win a prize

  222. Liam Says:

    Tig Brother

    Where people play tig with their brother.

    winner stays on.

  223. Liam Says:

    The Life of Kylie

    Kylie Minogue fly-on-the-wall documentary but with the Lightning Seeds song as a theme tune

  224. Liam Says:

    McCanns Undercover.

    A bit like McIntyre Undercover but with the McCann brothers.

  225. Rodti Says:

    @Liam I presume you mean the McGanns (Paul, Mark, Joe, Stephen) and not the McCanns (Kate, Gerry, Madeleine), the latter being comedy fucking gold in the context of your suggestion.

    “Infanticidal tapas-loving GPs Gerry and Kate infiltrate the ranks of brutal soccer hooligans accompanied by the horrifically reanimated corpse of their dead daughter.”

  226. Andy Says:

    Mac In Tyre Investigates.

    Some-time TFI Friday producer Will Macdonald nonchalantly battles to escape from a swaying child’s tyre swing whilst a young Jeremy Paxman bellows instructions in German.

    Subtitles 888.

  227. Rich Says:

    Dancing On “Ice”

    Celebreities battle against each other in the toughest dance competition on Earth during the dizzying highs of a Methamphetamine hit.

  228. Von Says:

    “Infanticidal tapas-loving GPs Gerry and Kate infiltrate the ranks of brutal soccer hooligans accompanied by the horrifically reanimated corpse of their dead daughter.”

    Literally tearing up trying not to laugh at this.

  229. Von Says:

    Not through moral reasons mind you, but i’m at work.

  230. liam Says:

    @Liam I presume you mean the McGanns (Paul, Mark, Joe, Stephen) and not the McCanns (Kate, Gerry, Madeleine), the latter being comedy fucking gold in the context of your suggestion.

    “Infanticidal tapas-loving GPs Gerry and Kate infiltrate the ranks of brutal soccer hooligans accompanied by the horrifically reanimated corpse of their dead daughter.”

    genius! i wish i did mean that but sadly you’re right, it was the mcganns

  231. The Spaghetti Says:

    The Hood Life – disenfranchised “yoofs” are abandoned in a field, and told to grow their own food. 2nd series unlikely.

  232. Bonzo Says:

    One Man And His Bog
    Join us every Sunday afternoon as we watch an old decrepid farmer-type crap for half an hour in his outhouse.

  233. Rodti Says:

    “Bargain Huntley”

    Join shifty-eyed puppyfucker Ian Huntley as he tours the DIY warehouses of Cambridgeshire intent on finding the most competitive prices on hacksaws and plastic sheeting. This week Ian is joined by Kirstie Allsopp with her picks of the best burial locations around RAF Lakenheath.

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