EDIT
The remit has been expanded to include any current affairs, news or magazine show.
Good morning.
Today’s Friday Question concerns the folk who lurk behind the scenes. The button-pushers, the format-tweakers and the devils in the shadows. I speak, of course, about the Reality TV Production Team.
They are the unseen heroes and villains of Reality TV. If it wasn’t for them, nobody on Masterchef would go on about how winning would be a dream come true, because they wouldn’t be asked constant, leading questions along the lines of ‘just how amazing would you feel if you won it?’.
The Apprentice cast wouldn’t be urged on with cumulatively aggressive questioning and Big Brother housemates wouldn’t, at audition stage, be encouraged to act like complete arseholes the second they get in the bungalow…
SO… If you were behind the scenes of any reality show, be it Wife Swap, Maestro, Strictly Come Dancing or any other that come to mind, how would YOU tweak the format?
You can add or take anything away from the usual progression of events. You can guide the participants to act in a certain way. You can even make everyone take all their clothes off! So that they’d be naked! With all tits and arses everywhere!
You are the Producer.
What will you do?
Tags: Big Brother, Culture, Entertainment, Masterchef, Media, Reality TV, Television, The Apprentice, TV, TV Production, Uncategorized
Watch With Mothers 
January 23, 2009 at 10:28 am
Encourage them to all commit suicide. Immediately, and with a minimum of fuss.
January 23, 2009 at 10:29 am
Does Newsnight count as a reality show? If so, I would swap the studio for a small car which is being driven around the congested centre of a different European centre each day. Guests are picked up for their segments and dropped off when done, sitting in the passenger seat for their segment. Paxman gets increasingly irate at sitting in traffic and not really knowing the way, demanding directions and hurling accusations both about lack of map reading abilities and the wider political context. The whole thing is very claustrophobic.
Each episode ends with the car being returned to the rental company which is then checked for damages. The deposit then may or may not be returned, which is quite tense and like an eviction or something.
I would call this Newsnight Brum Brums.
January 23, 2009 at 10:31 am
Plant bomb, leave.
(sorry, it’s all I’ve got)
January 23, 2009 at 10:31 am
Well, Newsnight is about real events, so is surely more of a “reality” show than something totally manufactured, like BB.
January 23, 2009 at 10:35 am
Alright – let’s not limit ourselves – any magazine or news or current events show can be tinkered with. Newsnight Brum Brums is sublime.
January 23, 2009 at 10:51 am
Not sure this is within the remit, but can someone be employed to slap Paul Merton every time he drags out a joke for too long?
January 23, 2009 at 10:54 am
A sea lion wiould be fun as a guest on Question Time …
“Does the panel think the timetable for withdrawal from Iraq is realistic?”
“Sea lion?”
“ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF!”
“Thank you. What do you think, Mr. Hoon?”
January 23, 2009 at 10:58 am
The News could be brightened up by having the newsreaders dress in hillarious costumes and spontaniously breaking in to song and dance routines.
This could be performed once a year, perhaps….for erm …charity…..with the possible addition of a red no……
Celebrity Question Time, hosted by eg Jonathan R…ahhh..
January 23, 2009 at 10:58 am
Naps, thanks for my first giggle of the day.
*G.O.L.S*
January 23, 2009 at 11:01 am
I put it to you, Mr Sachs, that you were already aware that Mr Brand had fcuked your daughter?
January 23, 2009 at 11:01 am
Dead Celebrity Wifeswap – Timmy Mallett and family have to live with the decaying corpse of Rod Hull for a fortnight.
January 23, 2009 at 11:05 am
….I also put it to you Signorn Sachs that had you been in at the time arranged BY YOU AND THE BBC, this whole sorry mess could have been avoided.
January 23, 2009 at 11:06 am
Celebrity Wasp Swap – Celebrities unleash swarms of wasps on one anothers homes.
January 23, 2009 at 11:08 am
Wife Swap: Make them share a bed. Otherwise its not really wife swap, is it.
January 23, 2009 at 11:09 am
Celebrity MasterRace – Celebs cook up their fave recipes whilst swapping extreme right wing views.
January 23, 2009 at 11:12 am
Don’t actually film anything in the Big Brother house. That would be quite amusing.
January 23, 2009 at 11:12 am
Big Brother – Under The Sea. The same idea as normal Big Brother, except they’re deep beneath the ocean. I’d watch this just to see Davina interviewing rejected inmates suffering from ‘The Bends’. I don’t know about you, but I’d pay double my license fee to see an attention-seeking imbecile trying to answer that awful woman’s pointless questions as bubbles of oxygen explode in their brains.
January 23, 2009 at 11:15 am
Bubonic Brother –
Day 1 – Plague-infected rats are unleashed into the Big Brother garden.
Day3 – Signs of infection are showing on the housemates.
Day 7 – Tim is popping a pustule in the kitchen
Day 39 – Karen is coughing up blood and has gone blind in the jacuzzi.
January 23, 2009 at 11:17 am
XXXtreme Strictly Come Dancing – Nude dancing on snowboards.
Ice Swap – A man’s wife is swapped with Vanilla Ice.
Animal Park in Space – Ben Fogle, Kate Humble, Lord Bath and the animals and their keepers of Longleat Safari park are blasted into the icy vacuum of space, then filmed gasping for breath.
Bargain Cunt – Does what it says on the tin.
January 23, 2009 at 11:17 am
Hello.
If i were a producer i would just not allow Fern Britton, Pip Schofield or Jeremy Kyle.
Their content could simply be replaced by CCTV footage of any town on a Friday, followed by some one telling bored housewives how to check for various lumpy nasties. Public service broadcasting if ever there was any!
January 23, 2009 at 11:21 am
Who Do You Think You Are? – Monster Edition: Genealogists lie to celebrities that they are directly descended from Dracula, Frankenstein’s Monster, The Mummy and The Wolfman using false documents and doctored photographs. The likes of Jodie Marsh, Jordan and Jade Goody would believe these lies.
January 23, 2009 at 11:24 am
Where Do You Think You Are?:
Micro-celebs are dropped in only a pair of dungarees, with no money or communication devices, in a remote rural part of a foreign country (mountain range, desert etc…) they then have to work out where they are, providing map references and accurate climate information using only sight.
If they fail, they’re beaten up by local children.
January 23, 2009 at 11:34 am
Raking It: The team has only three weeks to convince a panel of gardeners that a motorcycle courier under their tuition has been raking dried leaves off lawns all his life.
NewsShite: Paxman reads the news as Kirsty Wark shits in a trough.
Mad’s Army: Like ‘Lad’s Army’, only with the severely mentally-handicapped being put through their paces.
January 23, 2009 at 11:36 am
Dragon’s Dirty Den – Theo Paphitis gets bludgeoned over the back of the head with a cast-iron scottie dog as Deborah screams and screams and screams.
January 23, 2009 at 11:39 am
Big Buggerer – Twelve housemates are trapped in a darkened room with a determined sodomite.
January 23, 2009 at 11:40 am
Come Shine with Me: Where celebs are forced to shine shoes outside Waterloo Station, and the ones that can make the most profit wins. The losers have to volunteer in the podiatry department of St Thomas’ Hospital.
January 23, 2009 at 11:42 am
A good old fashioned game of Blind Man’s Bum there, Nappers – good call.
January 23, 2009 at 11:43 am
Anyone see Celeb Come Dine With me with Rodney Marsh?
He’s a card, that Marsh.
JO!
JO!
Jo?
*will be lost on anyone who didn’t watch daytime TV rubbish last week*
January 23, 2009 at 11:43 am
Knife Swap… ummm… some people swap some knives?
I’m not very good at this game.
January 23, 2009 at 11:44 am
How I Fucked Your Mother – Sons and daughters are strapped to chairs and forced to watch their parents recreating how they used to fuck each other when they first met.
January 23, 2009 at 11:44 am
Friday Night with Someone Interesting (ie not Jonathan Ross), where Someone Interesting interviews other interesting people, and not the smug bunch they have on at the moment.
January 23, 2009 at 11:46 am
I’d like to see a proper show about farting in the here and now. The highs, the lows, the smell
January 23, 2009 at 11:47 am
Secret Pauper:
A man arrives in a village in a big swanky carannouncing he’s a millionaire and promises to deliver all sorts of tree huggy do goody things. Buys everyone drinks etc. and runs up a massive tab all over town
Later in the show he is revealed to be a penniless gobshite.
hahahahah the look on their faces.
January 23, 2009 at 11:48 am
A place with the scum: Upper middle class twits who decide to leave a TV programme to choose their next home get to be shown round some of the worst sink estates in Britain, and HAVE to choose and purchase one of the mouldy, infested places they are shown. (this may need a different title..)
January 23, 2009 at 11:50 am
Jonathan Crevice:
Alan Davies’s arse goes around solving crimes.
January 23, 2009 at 11:50 am
Apparently ‘Sex: How to do Everything’ has already been made, and is on Channel 5 on Sunday.
January 23, 2009 at 11:51 am
Tom Laird – wasn’t the arse called Caroline Quentin?
January 23, 2009 at 11:52 am
Celebrity Roman Gladiators – needs no explanation i feel
January 23, 2009 at 11:53 am
Some new ideas …
Celebrity Force-Fed Like Geese: The likes of Kate Thornton and Fern Cotton are fed vast quantities of grain until their livers explode.
I’ll Eat A Corpse To Be Famous: The desperate consume as much of a rotting human carcass as they can for a chance of a recording contract.
Let’s Beat Cheggars!: Celebrities take it in turns to hit Keith Chegwin with sticks and whips.
Fire In The Hold!: Members of the public have lit fireworks shoved up their arses, then have to run an assault course to get to a bucket of water to douse the fuse before it runs out. If they fail, Dale Winton roars ‘Fire in the hold!’, signalling that the audience should shelter under their umbrellas to avoid being showered in guts and faeces.
January 23, 2009 at 11:55 am
Anne’s Blood Diamond. Anne Diamond is crushed until the carbon in her body forms a diamond, and is all covered in her blood (from being crushed). She is then sent to Sierra Leone.
January 23, 2009 at 11:55 am
Who Do You Think You Were? – Celebrities have their minds erased and then have to guess who they are using yes/no questions. The answer is glued to their forehaed on a rizla.
What Do You Think That Was? – Celebrities listen to noises down a long tube and identify them.
Derek Acora’s What Do You Think That Was? – Same as above but in an old hospital at night. Contestant’s are also explicitly informed that whatever sound they hear is produced by a phantom.
Why Did You Do That? – Hungover celebrities are forced to account for previous night’s debauchery through sobs and dry retching.
Thomas Hardy’s Wife Swap – Hapless contestants recreate The Mayor Of Casterbridge, only to discover the legally binding implications of their tomfoolery.
Celebrity Crop Swap – Contestants exchange wheat and barley, learning medieval bartering methods in the process.
Matt and Luke Goss Saturday Goth Swap Shop – no idea, it sounds good though.
January 23, 2009 at 11:58 am
I would watch Celebrity Crop Swap.
Celebrity Top Swap. Famously large funny-man Johnny Vegas has to swap his top with twig-like popstrel Cheryl Cole, and they wear each others tops for a week. This could also raise awareness of obesity in modern Britain or some such.
January 23, 2009 at 11:58 am
Noel’s Grouse Party: “Who’s that at the door?” Noel asks. “It’s a grouse, Noel,” the audience wearily replies for the twentieth time that night.
January 23, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Maim That Tune – Lionel Blair and Una Stubbs chainsaw their way through a member of the public’s precious vinyl record collection.
January 23, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Celebrity Kill It, Cook It, Eat It: where they are not hunting ducks or rabbits…
January 23, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Comic Relief:
Sarah Silverman comes round to my house and gives me a wank
It’s A Winner!
January 23, 2009 at 12:05 pm
The Tossed Salad Restaurant: Couples compete to win a restaurant by sucking as much semen as they can from a prison inmate’s anus.
January 23, 2009 at 12:06 pm
She can even tell a few risque rascist jokes while she’s at it
January 23, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Flog it: where we see juvenile delinquents being soundly whipped on a village green in different locations each week. Then we get some “expert” to make a judgement call as to how chastised they will be, and poll the audience afterwards to see how close the expert’s estimate was.
Roszs – did you use any food at weapons at your dinner party yesterday?
January 23, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Children In Tweed: Terry Wogan asks the public to give generously so the BBC can kit out abused children in tweed suits.
Noel’s Unwanted Christmas Presents: Noel gives a family who have been having a bad time of it recently a ghastly resin statuette of Charlie Chaplin. They pretend to be delighted with his gift, then shove it at the back of the wardrobe when he leaves.
Car Boot Challenge: With a dead body in the boot, can the contestants get to a pre-arranged point on the map without being pulled over by the police? Their out-of-date tax discs, bald tyres and smashed rear tail lights say it’s unlikely …
January 23, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Tom – that is brilliant. I would apply for that show.
Mel – no, I was quite well behaved but I got fairly pissed and one of the people there admitted they were going to be on quality daytime Jasper Carrot fronted programme Golden Balls and I was shouting “EVEN IF THEY’RE OLD AND CRIPPLED YOU MUST STEAL THEIR FUCKING MONEY DON’T SPLIT IT EVEN IF THEY HAVE NO LEGS AND NEED THE MONEY FOR LEGS YOU MUST STEAL IT NEVER SPLIT NEVER SPLIT” and then realised everyone had gone very quiet. I hate dinner parties.
January 23, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Celebrity Pile On Pile It On Pilled Up Pile Up Put Up – 7 celebrities on mind beding drug E drive a people carrier at dangerous speeds around the M25 whilst simulateously leaping on one another while each trying to balance an overfilled carvery dinner plate without spilling anything. The winner is the last one to lose their temper.
January 23, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Celebrity Organ Swap – ultra healthy celebs are forced to donate to lardies like the afore-mentioned Johnny Vegas.
Actually, scrub that. He’s shit so should be allowed to die.
January 23, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Dinner With Portillo:
A special edition where he does a bunk out the toilet window leaving Germaine Greer, An opinionated American woman no ones heard of, Trevor Phillips ,Andrew Lloyd Weber and Tariq Ali to argue the toss about who had what.
January 23, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Children In Leeds – CCTV footage of kids hanging round outside the corn exchange.
January 23, 2009 at 12:14 pm
It’s a Cock Out!
Celebrities have to get their cocks out.
January 23, 2009 at 12:15 pm
“Blue” Peter – late night edition.
January 23, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Could mean a return for John Leslie
January 23, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Seal or No Seal.
Seal is put into a box, and has to make seal noises, while actual seals are put into other boxes, then people have to guess which box Seal is in. Or something. Maybe if they win they get to club him to death?
January 23, 2009 at 12:16 pm
I’d watch ‘Children In Leeds’.
January 23, 2009 at 12:16 pm
You do all realise we have sorted Channel 4’s Schedule for the next five years.
January 23, 2009 at 12:17 pm
I’ll be glad when Ross is back on Radio 2 tomorrow.
Last weeks luvvy fest with Lisa Tarbuck and Kaffy Berk name dropping their famous friends made me do a little sick….
January 23, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Heh. I bet they’re pressing F5 repeatedly right now.
January 23, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Monkey tennis!
January 23, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Kreal or No Kreal. Celebrity fishermen (women?) decide what to take on their frishing trip….
January 23, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Too late Roszs http://www.monkeytennis.org.uk/
January 23, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Top Gear – Lilly Allen and her ilk “test-drive” class A drugs. And are then jailed.
January 23, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Nick – its a quote innit, from Alan P.
“Youth hostelling with Chris Eubank! Cooking in Prison! Monkey tennis?”
January 23, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Ha, Roszs has inspired the following:
Come Dine with Mothers: where some hapless chump has to prepare a dinner party for the WWM regulars, who are all pissed. They must include one deadly vegetable, should NC take umbrage at their presentation. Roszs could give them life coaching, and advice on how to win at a plethora of game shows. SH would be allowed to ask the questions, and preside over the event, TV can provide the vodka, Eugine can pop by to laugh at the jokes, and I don’t think i need to explain what the Spaghetti is for…
January 23, 2009 at 12:23 pm
The Apprentice.
16 year olds compete in a grueling marathon of torture for 12 weeks in order to get a job carrying a fat 55 year old plummer’s bag around and make him endless cups of tea for the next 3 years.
January 23, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Mel, I think you’ve got something good there. I will give you 27p for 86% of the concept.
It could be followed by a special edition called Some Brine With Me, where some people come round my house and drink brine.
January 23, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Come Dine With Meat. Nick T has to sit in a meat factory, eating nothing but carcasses.
January 23, 2009 at 12:26 pm
I’m A Celebrity Liver Swap
Well known celebrity alcoholics exchange livers with well known celebrity health freaks.
Paedos In Speedos
Well known celebrity paedos are forced to parade through a satellite town shopping centre wearing nothing but speedos and a sign saying “I am Gary Glitter, please may I have the sex with your children”.
I’m A Celebrity Naked Teenage Schoolgirl Hockey Player, Get Him Away From Me
Well known celebrity teenage schoolgirls run around a field waving sticks in the air, while being avidly pursued by men of a certain vintage.
Darts In Me Arse
Well known celebrities bare their arses, while Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor attempts to hit a bullseye for charidee.
January 23, 2009 at 12:27 pm
I’d be a contestant on that one Roszs. Tell you what, If you can get that Duncan Bannatyne to come in for half your share and a bazillion pounds, as well as bringing his “media contacts” to the party, then I’m in.
January 23, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Political Holiday Showdown. For example,The Browns’s and the Cameron’s go on each others holiday.
One proviso, no freebies. So 2 weeks in Tuscany or on a millionaires yacht not allowed.
January 23, 2009 at 12:29 pm
As it ‘appens, Mel, Piqued and I discussed having a bit of a get-together, but Swineshead poo-poohed it as he’s anti-social. Also, I think he’s worried you’ll all turn out to be rapists.
I don’t think you’ll all turn out to be rapists, by the way. I reckon you’ll all turn out to be murderers.
January 23, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Celebrity Wife Beat – no explanation needed, but I’d def tune in for the Richard and Judy episode.
January 23, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Well, this is going quite well….
January 23, 2009 at 12:32 pm
well, NC, I’m afraid you’ll never know about me. I don’t live in that there Engerlund, and use WWM to catch up on all the shit TV i have missed out on.
I reckon you’d be OK as long as you don’t ask Dave.
SH admitted yesterday that he keeps his mouth shut at dinner parties, so i don’t suppose you’d notice if her were there or not.
January 23, 2009 at 12:33 pm
I’m going up to the London next saturday. I am recording an interview at The Groucho Club. I think they serve peacocks and swans there….
January 23, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Where do you live Mel?
January 23, 2009 at 12:34 pm
A straighforward re-make of The A-Team. Starring:
BA – Ainsley Harriott
Hannibal – Lou Carpenter from Neighbours
Face – Richard Madeley
Murdoch – Timmy Mallett
January 23, 2009 at 12:34 pm
BTW: I mean generally not exactly!
January 23, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Doctors: Where we get to see celebrities discussing their specific type of cockrot with the family doctors. Not sure I’d tune into that one though.
January 23, 2009 at 12:36 pm
TM: in the previously discussed Nederlands
January 23, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Spaghetti, that is inspired casting.
January 23, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Political Come dine with me.
Brown, Cameron, Galloway, Haig and Pegg all go round to each others for dinner.
January 23, 2009 at 12:37 pm
oh ok..you get the bbc there, so you are exposed to some of it.
January 23, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Alstublieft!
January 23, 2009 at 12:40 pm
I’d Like To Teach The World To Shit: Dermot O’Leary travels to the Third World to teach the poor how to shit properly.
Eugenics Measurement Challenge: Contestants measure people’s faces to determine their racial purity. Those who don’t make the grade are gassed in underground chambers.
Uphill Pleading Caged Ex-Celebrity Furnace Sacrifice: Maureen from Driving School, Jeremy from Airport and those Big Brother fools are forced into a cage and then pushed up a slope towards a furnace. They plead for their lives, but these pleas fall on deaf ears as they are ultimately cast into the flames as a sacrifice to the gods.
January 23, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Cash in the Bank: where ordinary members of the public take their bank shares that they were all given when building societies all became banks in the 90s (providing they didn’t cash them in for the windfall) and try to flog them at a car boot sale for pennies.
January 23, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Pimp My Bride – Westwood makes over a groom’s car in exchange for one night with his new bride.
January 23, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Channel 4 News at Moon: Krishnan Gurumurthy delivers the days events, with his bottom hanging out. Or actually from the moon, I cannot decide which is better
January 23, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Judge Judy: a snarky, loud old woman gets to follow Judy Finnegan around and judge her on the quality (or otherwise) her links and PAs etc.
January 23, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Why not combine the two, Mel?
Nick, the Groucho eh? Mind out, you might bump into that Piqued feller.
January 23, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Stash in the Attic – a look at the lives of weed growers in South London
January 23, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Project Catwalk: Trude Mostue gets a show about rehabilitating cats that have been run over, and have clawed their way back from the brink of death.
January 23, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Does anyone remember Lee and Herring doing their audience challenge where you had to think up sitcoms based around popular sayings? The best was Rotten To The Core which was something along the lines of Johnny Rotten opens up an apple shop, where every week the apples go rotten for a variety of hilarious reasons. The lovely Corr sisters have a rival apple shop, and he is very jealous of their good apples, and is therefore rather rotten to the Corrs when he speaks to them.
January 23, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Property and renovation programs/place in the sun/relocation x 3/ etc…
All of them go off together to explore the emerging market in Iraq.
January 23, 2009 at 12:51 pm
I don’t recall poo pooing anything.
I mean, I pooed on Piqued’s chest, but that doesn’t count.
January 23, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Chris Waddle Shoots At Asylum Seekers: An abandoned hospital, hundreds of terrified asylum seekers and Chris Waddle, packing heat.
January 23, 2009 at 12:52 pm
That’s why I mentioned it Roszs……
The bike dvds are in the post so he may give me the cold shoulder, or knee.
January 23, 2009 at 12:53 pm
You poo-poohed that idea on the grounds that you secretly believe the WWM readership are socially-inept freaks who’ll kill you if they ever came into contact with you, Swineshead. No point denying it.
January 23, 2009 at 12:53 pm
oh and the next “in thing”, Iraqi food, so all the chefs can go too.
January 23, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Towers of London go to the Towers of London: Shite rock band Towers of London get tried for their crimes against music and tortured in the actual towers of london. Music by Keane.
America’s Next Top Hooker: If I was in charge of Americans Next Top Model, I’d take a leaf from GTAIV and make this show a reality.
Reality, heh…
January 23, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Celebrity DEET or no DEET: Celebrities are exposed to malaria carrying mosquitoes, and the audience has to guess which of them is wearing the insect repellent, and then we see who develops the symptoms
January 23, 2009 at 12:59 pm
You Are What You Eat Extreme – Gillian McKeith forces Johnny Vegas and other unrepentant fatties to eat themselves
January 23, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Let’s hunt and kill Justin Lee Collins: Does what it says on the tin.
January 23, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Sod ’em & Begorrah: Thieving Irish landscape gardeners / driveway tarmaccers / roofers are caught on hidden camera in the act of robbing old women of their savings for unecessary work, then sodomised by Matt Albright.
January 23, 2009 at 1:02 pm
The Sex Factor – Simon Cowell, Louis Walsh and the other two try to guess the sex of hard to sex animals like cheetah cubs and weasels.
January 23, 2009 at 1:03 pm
This is slowly turning into that episode of Alan Partridge.
Littlejohn’s littlejohns: Richard Littlejohn goes on an investigative jounrey into the world of men with tiny willies. Littlejohn then berates them for been tofu chewing liberal softy guardianistas and each episode drives back to his fortified mansion in Florida, has a cheese sarnie, salutes the flag and whacks off over a picture of himself. Music by Keane.
January 23, 2009 at 1:06 pm
An extension of the Spaghetti’s suggestion – you are what you eat extreme – get Gillian Mckeith to eat Johnny Vegas. If her theory is correct, we then won’t have to put up with the fake doctor ever again…
January 23, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Ugeine – You could also have ‘Littlejohn Demands Answers’, where the universally-reviled Daily Mail columnist stands on his battlements shouting into a megaphone, “What the hell’s happened to this country? It’s political correctness gawn maaaaaaaad!”, over and over again.
January 23, 2009 at 1:08 pm
I’d pay money to watch Gillian McKeef drown in a vat of excrement.
January 23, 2009 at 1:10 pm
There’s a whole reservoir of Littlejohn related themes, I think we should start our own production company, Napoleon. Adding onto these two, we could have ‘Littejohn: You couldn’t make it up’ where Littlejohn takes a different news story every day and blames it on liberals / foruns / PC nazi elf’ and safety though police.
Plus, a Littlejohn VS Bill O’reilley special where they wrestle for the title of most hateful conservative prick.
January 23, 2009 at 1:11 pm
I had an idea for a game show many years ago called ‘The Ultimate Hammer of Justice’. A family man has to answer a set of ever more difficult questions and, if he gets just one wrong, he has to witness his wife and kids being beaten to death with hammers. Not one network took up my idea, the bastards.
January 23, 2009 at 1:14 pm
I think the Pol Pot took it up Naps
January 23, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Ugeine – How’s about ‘Littlejohn Over Britain’? Littlejohn flies around the British Isles in a helicopter, blaming everything on the gays over a tannoy.
And then there’s ‘Littlejohn Thinks It Stinks’, where our hero has to identify foreigners by sniffing their clothes. When he spots a shirt that he believes to have been worn by a black, he turns to the audience and says, “I’m Littlejohn, and I think this STINKS!”.
January 23, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Napoleon: I’ll pitch it to my people if Noel Edmonds is the host.
January 23, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Nick – Well if he did, the bastard didn’t pay me any fucking royalties.
January 23, 2009 at 1:16 pm
The Bill – Former soap “stars” are filmed whilst paying for goods and services
January 23, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Challenged Anneka – Anneka Rice is forced to perform ever more difficult tasks, whilst trying to recover from a nervous breakdown
January 23, 2009 at 1:22 pm
How Clean is this Mouse: Kim and Aggie team up with the Natural History department of the BBC and travel the globe in search of various species of mice (other rodents also permissible). When they find them, Kim has to condescend them and take them in a firm hand, while Aggie swabs various body parts to assess them for bacteria load.
January 23, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Two more brilliant ideas, Napoleon. How about a tv film special, like the da vinci code, where Littlejohn searches for the secret council of elf’ and safety nazis (Oficially known as ‘the PC brigade’) and uncovers their huge conspiricy to make the whole of england follow stupid ‘elf and safety laws and pander to immigrants?
We could go through a bunch of exotic locations around England, such as Darlington, Bridgend, Luton and the like, while littlejohn and his sassy muslim hating side kick / love interest mel phillips helps him break into councils and find out why they’re not allowing donkey rides in seasides anymore? All the while he is stalked by a strange man who turns out to be a guardian hack.
Then Littlejohn goes to see an old friend who tells him what he knew all along: The PC madness was actually invented by a bunch of communists in the 50s, as a smokescreen to distract the pulbic while they invent homosexuality, with the aim of killing off the royal family. All this is solved and Littlejohn is a national hero.
January 23, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Through the Keyhole: we get to watch surgery on z listers, while Lloyd Grosman intones “Now who would live for another 40 years, provided the surgeon doesn’t sneeze, and excise the right ventricle”
January 23, 2009 at 1:25 pm
The Secret Poundannaire – A minimum wage earner travels to a deprived part of the country and pretends to be an ordinary member of the public. After a week, he identifies those in the community in most need of his help, and gives them a pound.
January 23, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Rosemary and Time – convicted killer Rose West serves time.
January 23, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Ugeine – I’d watch that. I’d also watch ‘Littlejohn Pisses On Their Graves’, where the big man travels the length and breadth of the land finding the graves of long-dead famous homosexuals. Then he pisses on those graves.
January 23, 2009 at 1:29 pm
I would have the ref miked up during televised football matches.
January 23, 2009 at 1:30 pm
Minder – re-make starring Shane Ritchie
Sorry, I’ve gone too far this time. No-one would be stupid enough to try that for real.
January 23, 2009 at 1:30 pm
Comic Relief: Where we actually get to see funny comics on TV
January 23, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Bargain Punt: set in Cambridge, people must buy a punt that represents the best value for money.
January 23, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Perhaps a worryingly hardcore version of Location, Location, Location? Kirsty and Phil could kick off the proceedings by shoving PCP suppositories up each others arses before dragging unwitting members of the public around seventeen idyllic properties in rural Hertfordshire in a drug-fuelled blur, murdering them with a hammer and burying them in the walls using their own shit as plaster.
Works for me.
January 23, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Sutcliffe’s Search For A Star: A talent contest where the winner is beaten to death by hammer-wielding madman, Peter Sutcliffe.
Dig Up Bob!: Teams use clues to locate the remains of Bob Monkhouse (who is dug up and buried in a new location each week).
Treasure Cunt: Like Channel Four’s ‘Treasure Hunt’, only the treasure turns out to be an evening in the company of an arrogant car salesman with unpleasant racist views.
January 23, 2009 at 1:36 pm
A Partridge among the Pigeons, it can open with Alan Partridge in Trafalgar Square going ‘aaaah, look at all these pigeons…’
Monkey Tennis?
January 23, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Blind Date – 3 contestants give pre-prepared answers to daft questions in a bid to win a date with an acid-throwing maniac
January 23, 2009 at 1:37 pm
Cilla’s Nasty Surprise Surprise: Audience members are invited onto Cilla’s sofa only to discover they’ve been overpaid Working Families’ Tax Credits. Or their dog’s dead.
January 23, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Have I Got Poos For You
Well known celebrities try to guess the identity of the mystery guest, just by smelling his / her poo.
Cock the Week
Uninteresting so-called comedians shove their dicks up each others arses while telling each other how funny they are.*
Shooting Stars Through the Keyhole
Well known celebrities are fired from cannons into the living rooms of other well known celebrities, then try to guess whose house they are in before they bleed to death
January 23, 2009 at 1:40 pm
* may already be on TV
January 23, 2009 at 1:45 pm
How about ‘Watch out Littlejohn’s About’: where Richard Littlejohn pretends to be an ‘elfnsafe T’ officer, and goes around shouting at immigrants for their perceived flouting of these regulations to hilarious effect
January 23, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Knife Swap: a gang from south London and a gang from inner city Glasgow swap for a week. They then meet up and bitch about the different styles of knife crime they encounter. Subtitled for Middle England.
January 23, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Rack Of Fortune
Well known celebrities try to save the life of a well known celebrity by answering general knowledge questions. get them wrong and the rack gets turned!
Beat the Nation
Well known celebrity families try to win money for charidee by masturbating furiously to see who comes first.
Going for Goold
A pack of savage hunting dogs set out to catch well known celebrity wino Jilly Goolden. The longer she lives, the more money she wins for her favourite charidee.
I’m Famous and Frightwigged!
Well known celebrity toupee wearers have to undertake frightening challenges, without wearing a wig, hosted by Bruce Forsyth.
January 23, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Littlejohn’s very own property show: Littlejohn shows a foreign family looking to start a new life in England around three lovely little homes in suburban estates, and then berates them for comin’ over here and takin’ our jobs.
January 23, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Kinderfarten: Children with stomach problems fart repeatedly into microphones as a man dressed as Hitler goose-steps around them shouting, “Ja! Die Kinder farting! Betrachten Sie sie farting, die schmutzigen farters!”.
January 23, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Can Cook, Won’t cook: food observer monthly types are taken into a kitchen by a self confessed crap cook and taught how to cut corners. In episode one, a cesar salad is created by just putting some salad cream on some lettuce.
January 23, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Don’t Get Done, Get Dick & Dom
Members of the public beat childrens TV presenters about their heads with baseball bats. Just because.
My Bare Lady
Revised for the UK market, this new reality show follows the fortunes of the Queens Ladys In Waiting, who now have to undertake all their public duties in the nude.
Hit Me, Baby, One More Time
Back for a new series, five former pop stars sing their biggest hit along with a cover version of a contemporary hit. Should they fail to stay in tune (as monitored by a customised Autotunes computer), then they are hit in the face with Vernon Kays baby.
January 23, 2009 at 1:53 pm
The Professionals: A fly on the wall documentary that looks at the everyday lives of professionals. Starts off by following exciting professionals, like stunt men or something. As the series go by, and following some scandal over the way they have portrayed Britain’s favourite professions, they get more and more desperate until they end up following people that call themselves “professional something” (e.g that boorish man that gets radio play and goes on The Wright stuff, calling himself a Professional Complainer)
January 23, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Whicker’s World – Alan Whicker is imbued with magical powers, and everything he touches turns to wicker.
January 23, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Swineshead Revisited
January 23, 2009 at 1:57 pm
Eyes Like Bowie: Four contestants gouge out their eyes onto a tray. Frantically stuffing different combinations of eyes from the communal tray into their bloody sockets, the one who’s fastest to get ‘Eyes Like Bowie’ wins a copy of Alladin Sane.
January 23, 2009 at 1:58 pm
Gardeners Whirled – Diarmuid Gavin and Alan Titchmarsh are spun around until they vomit.
January 23, 2009 at 1:58 pm
oops.
Swineshead revisited (now with added format): A cam corder on the door of this website, and then a good look at the people that come here, especially those that return again.
January 23, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Aladdin Sane, sorry.
January 23, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Katie & Peter: The Last Chapter
Jordan and Peter Andre sign a suicide pact. Watch the highs and lows, the tears and tantrums as the plastic twosome choose the best way to end their lives. Members of the public can vote for their favourite of the Top 3 Methods Of Destruction in a live final.
Comic Relief Does Fame Academy
Celebrity sexathon, as Lenny Henry, Kate Thornton and Graham Norton have an orgy with Lemar, Sinéad Quinn and David Sneddon.
January 23, 2009 at 2:01 pm
Watch With Smothers: Members of The Great British Public try to guess if different WWM people like or dislike a certain show, and if they’re wrong, Napoleon smothers them with a pillow.
January 23, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Newsgush: A News reader tries to read the news while SH masturbates frantically behind them, eventually covering them in his seed.
January 23, 2009 at 2:03 pm
Bum Gardener’s Question Time: Confirmed buggerers ask a panel of buggerees buggery-related questions.
Busman’s Lolly-Day: Paedophile bus drivers travel to Japan and try and entice schoolgirls into parks using lollies.
Dirty Boy!: An hour-long compliation of clips of dogs doing poos.
Going For Old: Age-specific rapists are let loose on a sheltered-accomodation block.
January 23, 2009 at 2:03 pm
Comic Relief Does Dallas?
January 23, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Parkinsons – celebrities are repeatedly asked the same questions by an increasingly confused aged interviewer.
January 23, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Easy there, Ugeine. You’d blow the budget on my fee.
January 23, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Ugeine, I was in a pub yesterday and there was some graffiti in the toilets reading “KEANE ROCK!!!!!” Underneath someone had written “Don’t be ridiculous”.
January 23, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Jizzbath Celebrity Jeopardy: Celebrities attempt Generation Game-style challenges. If they fail, they are bathed in jism.
John The Baptist My Ride: Cars are given the chance to baptise Messiahs in a river, then have their roofs cut off at the behest of a foul-tempered Middle Eastern queen.
Methylated Madness: Tramps are plied with meths and then, when they’re comatose, they’re driven over the edge of a cliff using a JCB.
January 23, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Hahaha. I never thought Keane fans would vandalise anything.
January 23, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Shooting Starz – The clues’s in the title
Later with Jools Holland – As original but much much later…..
January 23, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Noel Edmond’s House party: Noel Edmonds shows up at a house party uninvited, drinks all the booze, does a lot of coke and smashes all your stuff, then rides his girlfriend on your bed till the early morning before taking off while you’re asleep.
January 23, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Naturist Watch – Bill Odie spies on nude sunbathers, and attempts to evade arrest.
January 23, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Nick T: In south London, that would be called Laters, Jools Holland.
January 23, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Dominic Diamond’s Doorstep Dogshit Dipstick Derby: Contestants have half an hour to stick as much dog poo as they can through a letterbox using a dipstick. Hosted by Dominic Diamond.
January 23, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Your Mother Or Your Life: Self-explanatory.
January 23, 2009 at 2:22 pm
The Crystal Maize – Billy Crystal grows maize.
January 23, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Countdown – Contestants must successfully answer number and word puzzles against the clock, to prevent the start of World War 3.
January 23, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Now Who’s The Fucking Daddy?: Rolf Harris capers around the corpse of Tony Hart, flicking paint at it.
January 23, 2009 at 2:26 pm
How to look good rabid: A bunch of religious fanatics are given style tips.
January 23, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Norman’s Norman Wisdom: A frail and clearly distressed Norman Wisdom is barraged with questions about the Battle of Hastings by an ex-army Colour Sergeant.
January 23, 2009 at 2:28 pm
The Miaze Crystal – Lyle Maize manufactures chrystal meth with hilarious concequences…
January 23, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Piers Morgan On:
Less
Fire
The Dole
Any of those would suit me.
Well, this has been a fun Friday Question. If any of these get commissioned, we can share out the royalties.
I hope you get some more good ones. I have to go to a conference now, that lasts all weekend. I am also back at work next week, but have enjoyed my visit!
January 23, 2009 at 2:28 pm
‘The Secret Murderer’
A deranged sociopath charms himself into the lives of three families living in a run-down area of Northampton by posing as an avuncular Social Worker called Andrew.
Sue, a single mother of three, and Brian, a recent widower, live alongside Patty and Raymond in the troubled Jubilee estate within earshot of Silverstone. ‘Andrew’ (real name Max Exersenz) is only to happy to help out with the shopping and cleaning whilst deliberating what each would look like wearing their own livers as a fucking hat.
After nearly getting caught try to insert his flaccid penis into a recently despatched pet rabbit, Patty begins to have her suspicions giving Max the green light to carve ‘mother’ on his chest with a fork and kick off a frenzied killing spree that begins with Patty having her face smeared off with a Blackspur rasp and culminates in the hapless Max actually managing to insert Brian into his own arsehole when he pops by to find out what all the commotion is.
On discovering his wife’s mangled corpse in the bath, an angry Raymond confronts Max. Fearing his identity has been ousted Max takes the precaution of biting out Raymond’s eyes before pulling his pancreas out with his gnarled hand. This is almost the last straw for Max as he secretly loved Raymond and so he cheerlessly punishes himself by eating most of Patty’s dead right tit whilst pulling himself off with a brick.
Will Sue and her quivering young chargers be the beneficiary of Max’s benevolent evil? Do tune in to find out, starts tea-time Sunday.
January 23, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Uncork THAT, If You Can – Panel of doubtful experts observe weeds and softies as they attempt to extract and old style cork from a variety of holes eg bottle, cheese, nose etc. Win-Ton.
I’m all wet, get it inside me – Eat-all-you-can style challenge show where port town residents have one hour to cook a sailor’s favourite meal (phoned in offshore) and then feed it to them the moment they land. Wo-Gan.
Let’s get that dirty old cow – Infantile and inhumane farm based challenge where contestants simply chase a cow around a paddock in an attempt to pin it down, wrestling style. No holds are barred, but the clock is ticking and something is up for grabs in a lifetime. Nor-Ton.
Cow In The Paddick – extended version of former with behind the scenes view and running commentary by former Met Police Chief Brian Paddick.
The Skipton Factor – North Yorkshire market town rated by panel of experts including finance minister, town planner, quantity surveyor and health expert. One off, bank holiday thrill package. Thorn-Ton.
January 23, 2009 at 2:33 pm
What Price, Fiona?: Multi-Millionaires offer newsreader Fiona Bruce increasing sums of money in an attempt to get her to show one of them her private parts (including anus).
Don’t Dando That Dodo!: Scientifcally-recreated live dodos are let loose on the streets of London pursued by innocent celebrity murderer, Barry George.
How’s Howe?: Contestants attempt to find out if former Tory bigwig Geoffrey Howe is still alive and, if he is, is he alright?
January 23, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Pi In The Sky – Stephen Hawking answers viewers’ questions on physics whilst learning to pilot a light aircraft.
January 23, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Tarrant on TV – Chris Tarrant argues for and against transvestisism.
January 23, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Don’t Mention The Whore: A man must attempt to completely ignore his wife’s increasingly screeching enquiries as to why there’s a prostitute in the corner of her living room to win a fabulous two-week break to Mauritius.
We’ve Had A Lovely Day: The cutting-to-the-chase game show where contestants are brought on, told they’ve lost the game, and then tell the host they’ve had a lovely day before leaving the stage clutching a consolation prize.
Bucket’s Bucket: Late-night show where Dominic Diamond and a panel of invited guests discuss upskirt paparazzi shots of Patricia Routledge’s fanny.
January 23, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Bullseye – Jim Bowen hosts a crash course in bovine occular disease
January 23, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Privet Dick – Phallus based competative topiary show.
Ram Down Your Gorge – Valley based competative sheep herding show.
January 23, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Mindless Watercolour Challenge – Severely brain-damaged motorcycle accident victims attempt to paint Winchester Cathedral as a panel of artists laugh and laugh and laugh.
Seaside To CEO: Seagulls are put in charge of a trans-global oil and gas company on the very day the Russians are due to arrive in the boardroom to discuss a lucrative Siberian pipeline contract.
January 23, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Name That Hoon – Geoff Hoon must identify relatives from body parts sent by post
January 23, 2009 at 3:01 pm
Riverside Cottaging – Hugh F-W pesters strangers for sex, by a river
January 23, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Credit Crunch Cat: Families on the verge of losing their homes are given financial advice from a cat.
Pig Christmas: Hidden-camera show where greedy children unwrap pork products from under the Christmas tree, and then wail their ungrateful little heads off.
Hawking’s Gawking: Unsuspecting women are spied upon in the showers by Dalek-like super-egg-head, Professor Stephen Hawking. He wanks using a futuristic machine he invented using science, the brainiac.
January 23, 2009 at 3:04 pm
The Cook Report – Roger Cook pursues Gordon Ramsay all over the Costa Del Sol
January 23, 2009 at 3:06 pm
How To Look 10 Years Older – contestants are put through harrowing trials in a bid to prematurely age them
January 23, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Or…
How To Look 10 Years Older – a guide for early teens on how to buy fags and booze
January 23, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Work For Your Money: The long-term unemployed have to wade naked through vats of rotting fish innards, picking pound coins off of strings suspended from poles held by tax-payers. Meanwhile, a PA system barks out the words, “YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN DROWNED AT BIRTH, YOU DREGS!”, over and over again. Hosted by Richard Littlejohn.
B.N.Penis – Dominic Diamond introduces Britain’s most racist penises.
January 23, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Last of the Summer Wine – elderly alcoholics rampage as home-brew supplies dwindle.
January 23, 2009 at 3:18 pm
The Holy Vice Of St. Francis Of Assisi: Contestants have their heads crushed in a big vice made from compressed animal parts.
Jade’s Toenail Challenge: Can everyone’s favourite bald-headed, racist imbecile eat a pint glass full of toenails for the chance to appear on the front cover of Hello!? She’ll certainly try!
Livin’ On A Prayer: Religious idiots test their faith to breaking point when, stripped of all earthly chattels, they have to ask God to provide them with everything from clothing to clean drinking water.
January 23, 2009 at 3:25 pm
DIY SOS – See the Emergency Services respond to 999 calls, where home improvement has gone terribly wrong.
January 23, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Spender In My Bed: Couples retreat to bed only to find miserable Newcastle police officer ‘Spender’ is already there. Do they turf him out, or do they simply ignore him and hope he leaves of his own accord?
Spender Laid That Cable, Not Me!: The man of the house attempts to convince his horrified wife that the giant turd that’s anchored itself to the bottom of the toilet bowl is the responsibility of miserable Newcastle police officer ‘Spender’, not his.
Spender’s Blender: The lady of the house wants a smoothie, but miserable Newcastle police officer ‘Spender’s’ got a firm hold of the blender. Does she wrestle it off him, or go and buy a smoothie from the shops?
January 23, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Spender Penny – Dour Geordie reviews public conveniences.
January 23, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Byker Grave – Ghastly Geordie kids entombed in a youth centre.
January 23, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Spender And The Raiders Of The Lost Ark: Miserable Newcastle police officer ‘Spender’ fights Nazis on a quest to find the lost Ark of the Covenant. Then gets beaten up in a car park in Middlesborough.
January 23, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Spender Rapes The Care Bears Christmas Special …
… I think I’ll stop there.
January 23, 2009 at 3:44 pm
Well, except for …
Pro-Celebrity Cock-Dockers: Celebrities and gay porn strars team up to dock cocks in an attempt to win £10,000 for a charity of their choice.
January 23, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Well done everyone.
I think good work has been done.
Not at my work though.
I have to go and interview some temp for a dull job.
He’s more qualified than everyone I know put together……
January 23, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Sorry, one more…
Crotchphrase – Roy Walker invites you to “say what you see” as popular catchphrases are enacted though penile manipulation.
January 23, 2009 at 4:58 pm
Wow.
WOW.
We’ve really got some blue-sky-outta-the-box kinda thinking going on here guys!
*high fives*
Lets all get a mochacino to celebrate! Yeah!
January 23, 2009 at 5:03 pm
I am deeply hurt by Mel’s comment. I’d make a great guest at the WWM party. I’d bring a multipack of Monster Munch and a small bag to keep a lock of everyone’s hair in. Bitch.
January 23, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Geesebenders: A documentary about a community of openly homosexual geese living just outside Walthamstow.
January 23, 2009 at 5:09 pm
Big potatoes: A documentary following a potato picker’s quest to FIND THE BIGGEST ONES FOR HIS GODDAMN SELFISH SELF – an abuse of power that’s been overlooked for decades now.
January 23, 2009 at 5:12 pm
I’d bring back the Girlie Show because everything’s gone to pot since it was taken off.
January 23, 2009 at 5:33 pm
Everythingwent to pot ‘cos it was put on air in the first place.
January 23, 2009 at 5:40 pm
Gone To Pot – …………….that’s enough
January 23, 2009 at 5:59 pm
Gone to pot: three-piece punk-based instrumental rock band Gone travel to the birthplace of Pol Pot.
January 23, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Three Men in a Goat:
Caprine capers as Dara O’Briaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiain , Rory McGrath and Griff Rhys Jones tag team a nanny goat. Last one to come wins.
All proceeds to the RSPCA
January 24, 2009 at 11:14 am
‘Children In Leeds – CCTV footage of kids hanging round outside the corn exchange.’
I missed this first time! acers.
January 26, 2009 at 10:58 am
*Looks around playgroud*
Is it half term?
January 26, 2009 at 12:04 pm
I’m just too freaking busy to do a review today. I’ve asked Nappers to submit something but he’s probably wanking in his bed, so I wouldn’t hold out any hope. Back to normal tomorrow, all being well.
January 26, 2009 at 12:52 pm
You could come over to my place and talk about Victorian Farm http://nicktann.blogspot.com/2009/01/victorian-farm.html
or erm not
January 26, 2009 at 1:39 pm
*interrupts bed-based masturbation session*
What was that?
January 26, 2009 at 2:00 pm
*interrupts bed-based masturbation session*
Bed-based? How pedestrian.
January 26, 2009 at 4:34 pm
*beds pedestrian based session masturbator*
Interrupts.
January 26, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Quite frankly if you’ve never wanked off a pedestrian you’ve not lived.
January 27, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Big Mother
If your Mother’s big you win a prize
January 27, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Tig Brother
Where people play tig with their brother.
winner stays on.
January 27, 2009 at 2:33 pm
The Life of Kylie
Kylie Minogue fly-on-the-wall documentary but with the Lightning Seeds song as a theme tune
January 27, 2009 at 2:36 pm
McCanns Undercover.
A bit like McIntyre Undercover but with the McCann brothers.
January 27, 2009 at 2:44 pm
@Liam I presume you mean the McGanns (Paul, Mark, Joe, Stephen) and not the McCanns (Kate, Gerry, Madeleine), the latter being comedy fucking gold in the context of your suggestion.
“Infanticidal tapas-loving GPs Gerry and Kate infiltrate the ranks of brutal soccer hooligans accompanied by the horrifically reanimated corpse of their dead daughter.”
January 27, 2009 at 3:10 pm
Mac In Tyre Investigates.
Some-time TFI Friday producer Will Macdonald nonchalantly battles to escape from a swaying child’s tyre swing whilst a young Jeremy Paxman bellows instructions in German.
Subtitles 888.
January 27, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Dancing On “Ice”
Celebreities battle against each other in the toughest dance competition on Earth during the dizzying highs of a Methamphetamine hit.
January 27, 2009 at 3:36 pm
“Infanticidal tapas-loving GPs Gerry and Kate infiltrate the ranks of brutal soccer hooligans accompanied by the horrifically reanimated corpse of their dead daughter.”
Literally tearing up trying not to laugh at this.
January 27, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Not through moral reasons mind you, but i’m at work.
January 27, 2009 at 5:28 pm
@Liam I presume you mean the McGanns (Paul, Mark, Joe, Stephen) and not the McCanns (Kate, Gerry, Madeleine), the latter being comedy fucking gold in the context of your suggestion.
“Infanticidal tapas-loving GPs Gerry and Kate infiltrate the ranks of brutal soccer hooligans accompanied by the horrifically reanimated corpse of their dead daughter.”
genius! i wish i did mean that but sadly you’re right, it was the mcganns
January 27, 2009 at 5:44 pm
The Hood Life – disenfranchised “yoofs” are abandoned in a field, and told to grow their own food. 2nd series unlikely.
January 28, 2009 at 10:10 am
One Man And His Bog
Join us every Sunday afternoon as we watch an old decrepid farmer-type crap for half an hour in his outhouse.
January 28, 2009 at 10:38 am
“Bargain Huntley”
Join shifty-eyed puppyfucker Ian Huntley as he tours the DIY warehouses of Cambridgeshire intent on finding the most competitive prices on hacksaws and plastic sheeting. This week Ian is joined by Kirstie Allsopp with her picks of the best burial locations around RAF Lakenheath.