Chickens, Hugh And Tesco Too

by

hugh fearnley whittingstall, chickens, tesco

Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall again, taking his annual break from being an irritating bastard so he can talk a bit of sense about chickens, remarkably abstaining from going over the top and self-righteous about it. It seems HFW is capable of making interesting TV, and this kind of  thing just about compensates for the scabies-like irritation of his usual guff.

River Cottage is a saccharine, utopian vision of farming, in which Hugh is  free to  till the land without the pressure of the industry  and overheads looming over his  shoulder as most normal farmers would experience. Instead he’s able to  drain his book-royalty fund to pay for all the technicalities, making it nauseating, patronising bollocks.

But his chicken campaign has some relevance and feels current, raising it above the River Cottage standard. In this latest instalment, HFW buys a single share for about 500 quid in order to be able to speak to major shareholders and try to convince them that the industry standard is to harsh on the bird, and that the much more humane, RSPCA backed Freedom Food standard should be the base level. And it’s hard to argue with him.

Last time round, he was rewarded with only a bloody nose when trying to change Tesco’s ways as the marketing bods at the top of the tree steadfastly refused to speak to him, so it followed that by buying a share he would get more of a say. Hard to know how much of what followed was pantomime contrivance, but it was all good fun.

One fact that shocked me, early on, (though it probably shouldn’t have) is that Friends of the Earth have shares in Tesco. Isn’t that a bit weird? Probably not. You just expect a charity to make ethical decisions when it comes to investing – but then you remember ethics don’t really come into economics.

Anyhow, the first move was explaining his case to some shareholders, City types, in pinstripe with public-school floppy hair. All were left unmoved. The deadly silence that followed HFW’s little speech spoke volumes on why this wouldn’t actually, physically make a difference and could only succeed as a point well made. The welfare of a chicken, pecked-half bald as it sits in its own shit is of very little interest to people who want to put some money somewhere and return a few weeks later to find it’s doubled. Chickens be damned when cash can be reaped. Eventually, one long haired suit-wearer saw the correllation between Tesco’s reputation and the improvement of standards, but the reputation card didn’t work last time round, so was unlikely to this time.

The high point, for me, was HFW’s attempts to speak to someone of importance from Tesco on camera. Instead, he was greeted by a Media Spokesperson, or Head of Talking On Telly as she was dubbed. This creature, both attractive and coldly empty, spoke in  wittering circles of sales guff. She repeatedly bleated that Tescos ‘lead the way’ on this topic – a term she had clearly been encouraged to use as it’s such blatantly contrived bullshit, she couldn’t have come up with it herself.

‘Lead the way’ means utterly nothing. Where is ‘the way’? How are they ‘leading’ towards it? Who are they leading? Where will they end up? Why not just say something quantatitive and substantial instead of talking unmitigated shit?

It got worse. One of my pet hates is food packaging and how, these days, it’s virtually impossible to work out where meat came from, what the terms mean and whether the food you’re buying has been fiddled with. Apparently, according to the Media Spokesperson, to have anything resembling a description of conditions, even something as basic as the two words ‘indoor-reared’, would be patronising to the consumer.  And if that doesn’t display contempt for the customer, I don’t know what does. You don’t need any more evidence to prove that Tesco aren’t in the least bit concerned by what their customers want (unless it involves undercutting their competitors).

Eventually HFW’s target of converting 75% of shareholder opinion (an impossible task, with the rules set by Tesco) failed, as was destined. But this was a point well made.

The sad thing is, the core customer-base of Tesco – those who may have been influenced into not buying the lower end offal – were probably put off this transmission by the very fact of Hugh’s presence, and will be purchasing two-for-a-fiver chickens as I type these very words…

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203 Responses to “Chickens, Hugh And Tesco Too”

  1. Do I not like that! Says:

    Occasionally referred to on this site, “Classic Rock Magazine” was mentioned on R4’s Today Program this morning.

    Is River Cottage, Utopian? Agrarian societies existed and still do exist today.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    It’s shown on British television, DINLT. In this country it’s not really possible to shop as ethically as Hugh might like you to.

  3. a pedant Says:

    Tesco, not Tescos.
    Tesco, not Tescos.
    Tesco, not Tescos.
    Tesco, not Tescos.
    Tesco, not Tescos.
    Tesco, not Tescos.
    Tesco, not Tescos.
    Tesco, not Tescos.

  4. Von Says:

    HFW is know to the locals around his River Cottage estatate as ‘that cunt off the telly’ and is genuinely hated as his show is the reason people can’t afford their own homes any more.

    Just so you know.

  5. Napoleon Says:

    Two for a fiver, y’say? You can’t argue with that!

    *pops to TESCO*

  6. Napoleon Says:

    A Pedant – It’s ‘TESCO’, not ‘Tesco’, you arsehole.

  7. Von Says:

    A pedant & Napoleon actually it’s Tesco Stores Limited. So nuegh.

  8. Nick T Says:

    It’s all about Victorian Farm on my blog. 1 whole comment!

    Take that

    *shakes fist at shy*

    *bites fist*

    *remains vegetarian*

    (smug)

  9. Napoleon Says:

    Von – It’s TESCO plc, surely? Twit.

  10. Nick T Says:

    *sky

  11. Swineshead Says:

    I hate pedants, despite being one.

    I can’t get into my email account today, which is good.

  12. Swineshead Says:

    He is a twit – I met him last night to talk about computers and website trickery. He’s an intertwit (he’s alright though).

  13. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – You may as well spend your days stamping on the heads of field mice, you wildlife-murdering, vegetarian weirdo.

    Anyway, these chickens. Are they really two for a fiver? I don’t want to go to TESCO (eh, Von, eh?), and discover you’ve lied to me, Swineshead.

    You big-nosed bum stain.

  14. Swineshead Says:

    Does anyone else use ‘atmail’?
    It’s SHIT

  15. Napoleon Says:

    Your e-mail’s broken? Bugger. I asked if you wanted a piece on that Truth About Cheap Food presented by that lumbering troll Jay Raynor.

  16. Swineshead Says:

    I’m a big nosed bum stain, am I?
    I can agree with your comment on my enormous, beak-like face-appendage but I’m nothing like a bumstain (apart from being filthy and smelling).

    You snaggle-toothed grotesque.

  17. Von Says:

    I just wanted to out-pedant the pair of you. Not sure it’s possible. I’ll stop now.

    Swineshead – get gmail you luddite.

  18. Swineshead Says:

    I was going to do that Jay Rayner shit, but you can feel free to. Watching it actually bored me to sleep. I love statistics as much as the next man, but a parade of them for an hour interspersed with shots of a fat knacker complaining pushed me into oblivion.

  19. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve got gmail but I’ll be damned if I’m going back to it.

  20. Do I not like that! Says:

    From their own website,

    © Tesco PLC 2009

  21. Von Says:

    Yeah, I’m not going to win the pedant competition today. BUT THERE IS ALWAYS TOMORROW!

  22. Swineshead Says:

    Tomorrow never comes…

    *cue Paul Calf response*

  23. Napoleon Says:

    DINLT – I hope something crushes your particulars.

    Swineshead – I’ll knock something up, you bird-beaked skidder.

    Von – MAY YOUR INNARDS CASCADE OUT OF YOUR ARSEHOLE!

  24. Napoleon Says:

    Still not answering my fucking chicken question, I notice …

  25. Von Says:

    One step ahead of you, I had a pretty spicy pizza (not from TESCO PLC 2009) so my innards are making a break for it.

  26. Nick T Says:

    Gmail is a wonderful thing.

    *wears neclace of headless fieldmice*

    Wot?!

  27. Swineshead Says:

    Yes, they really are two for a fiver, Nappers (at least they were in June 2008 when the show was filmed).

    I want my email back.

  28. Napoleon Says:

    I had fish ‘n’ chips for my tea last night. A good old-fashoned British meal. None of that foreign, traitorous muck you tucked into, Von. In the olden days, they’d have beheaded you for eating that pizza. Probably.

  29. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – What a deal! That’s me off to © Tesco PLC 2009 for my tea tonight. Roast chicken and Super Noodles – the space-age dehydrated noodle treat from the future.

  30. Von Says:

    Beheading? That’s a french execution if ever I heard one, eh NAPOLEON. (A french name as well. tut.) Firing squad for me sonny. Thats how a man should die.

  31. Swineshead Says:

    I fancy some of them sausages Claire Rayner’s lookalike offspring was laying into on his rubbish Dispatches. 40% meat represent good value, so far as I can see.

    As for those shitty chickens, almost half their bodyweight is water. ENJOY.

  32. Napoleon Says:

    Von – BALLS! We were beheading traitors long before the bloody Frogs got in on the act. Look at your ‘Enery the Eighth – he loved beheading folk … and quite fucking right too! Damn you and your poxy bloody French accusations, you swine!

    *ignores Napoleon comment*

    Swineshead – That’s the breast meat they pump up with water, isn’t it? I don’t remember them doing it to the whole chickens. Yum, lovely, etc.

    I didn’t realise that lummoxing great oxen of a man was Claire Raynor’s boy. To be honest, I thought he’d been discovered guarding a bridge in some fairytale land.

  33. Swineshead Says:

    He tries to disguise the fact he’s a troll from a fable by dressing as a musketeer. I bet his swordplay’s shit.

  34. Napoleon Says:

    The last time I saw someone who looked like that, he was attached to a cathedral buttress spouting water from his maw.

  35. Napoleon Says:

    Did you ever try that dehydrated ice-cream off of the ’80s? I ate an entire packet whilst watching Rambo III, and was bitterly disappointed with it. The Americans need to learn that ice-cream’s wet and frozen and what-have-you, not bloody dry and futuristic.

    Aaaah, Rambo III – that was one of the finest motion pictures ever made.

  36. Swineshead Says:

    The last time I saw someone who looked like that, TVAM was still on ITV.

    Masterchef was good last night, in that everyone on it was completely shit, from the bloke who chopped his own thumb off to the berk who can’t boil a bloody potato.

  37. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve not even seen Rambo I

  38. Napoleon Says:

    First Blood’s alright, though I prefer Rambo II and III because there’s more killing. The new one he’s done is alright, even if he looks like an angry old potato when he’s snapping necks.

  39. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t watch Masterchef. I was too busy filling my head with swill – last week’s Holby and a programme about Nazi sharks attacking the Titanic in World War II I’d recorded off of the History Channel.

  40. Swineshead Says:

    I’d like to see Jim Branning in a headband, killing guerilla soldiers in some far-off land.

  41. Nick T Says:

    New Minder next week.
    Shane Richie plays “Archie” Dailey.
    Another great 5 prodution!

    HAhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

  42. Napoleon Says:

    That’s a bit like an idea I sent off to a games company called ‘Jimmy Savile’s World War II’. In the game, you would have played Jimmy Savile, going up against the Third Reich, and shouting out ‘Ow’s about THAT then?’ everytime he shot a Nazi in the head.

    They turned me down.

  43. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – From the various promos, the new Minder appears to consist of Shane Ritchie running away from various assailants whilst shouting into a mobile phone.

  44. Nick T Says:

    Lest hope they catch him and beat him to a pulp..

  45. Napoleon Says:

    I might watch it to see if it’s worse than Minder was after Terry left and they brought in that new bloke.

  46. Napoleon Says:

    Let’s just hope they don’t bring back Lovejoy in the same slapdash fashion. If they bring it back and it’s got some bloody idiot playing Lovejoy’s son instead of good old Lovejoy and Tinker and the rest, I’ll be booting out my TV’s screen, and sending Channel Five the bill.

    Other things they’d better not bring back and fuck about with:

    The Paradise Club
    El Sid
    The Beiderbeck Tapes
    Spender
    Boon

  47. Nick T Says:

    …or The Two Ronnies, Morcambe and Wise, The Chuckle Brothers.

    I think they’re safe

  48. Napoleon Says:

    Ho ho! My uncle’s over in Iraq at the moment fighting for the Empire. He told my mother that one of his colleagues woke up with one of these buggers on his head the other morning.

    I’ve decided to cancel my application to join the British Army based on this new information.

  49. Napoleon Says:

    WordPress is a fucking joke.

  50. Napoleon Says:

    Attempts to post comment for third time …

    Ho ho! My uncle’s over in Iraq at the moment fighting for the Empire. He told my mother that one of his colleagues woke up with one of these buggers on his head the other morning.

    I’ve decided to cancel my application to join the British Army based on this new information.

  51. Napoleon Says:

    WHY WON’T IT LET ME POST A COMMENT WITH A LINK IN IT, EH? EH? BASTARD WORDPRESS BASTARD FUCKING BASTARDS!

  52. Nick T Says:

    Blogger is so much easier….

  53. Nick T Says:

    Here my pic is some demented Tesco chicken!

  54. Swineshead Says:

    Is there more than one link? If so, it thinks it’s spam (and usually is).

    Blogger is shit, everyone knows that.

  55. Napoleon Says:

    It’s posted it now! I was so bloody furious with WordPress, I posted the damned comment on my own site. Bastards.

    Anyway, Blogger’s much better, Swineshead. You’d know this if you’d used it in the last two years. Which you haven’t.

    Anyway, what about that fucking spider, eh?

  56. The Spaghetti Says:

    Shane Ritchie is a nauseating turd. I’ll only watch the new Minder if he really is “Alf a Dailey”, as in, been chopped in half.

  57. ugeine Says:

    That wasn’t a spider, that was something out of Half life.

    Is it true that KFC can’t call themselves Kentucky Fried Chicken becasue their recipies don’t contain enough chicken?

  58. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – It’s fucking ‘orrible, eh? Imagine finding that bugger on your ‘ead? I’ve a suspicion I’d have a heart attack on the spot.

  59. ugeine Says:

    ‘Police in Nigeria are holding a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery. Vigilantes took the black and white beast to the police saying it was an armed robber who had used black magic to transform himself into a goat to escape arrest after trying to steal a Mazda 323. “The group of vigilante men came to report that while they were on patrol they saw some hoodlums attempting to rob a car. They pursued them. However one of them escaped while the other turned into a goat,” Kwara state police spokesman Tunde Mohammed told Reuters by telephone. “We cannot confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody. We cannot base our information on something mystical. It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that a human being turned into a goat,” he said’

  60. ugeine Says:

    Napoloen, I’d have done the girliest scream possible and shit myself post haste. The fact that he’s still over there means he’s obviously some kind of cyborg.

    Anybody played skate 2? well ard.

  61. The Spaghetti Says:

    Nonsense. I reckon that goat keeps stealing my laundry. Bastard.

  62. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – I think it’s the basic training that does it. Knock ’em down, build ’em up, teach ’em to ignore gigantic alien spiders attached to their faces. ‘Orrible.

  63. Von Says:

    Ugenie, have you been reading my website?

    http://electricspectre.net/?p=358

  64. Adam Says:

    I’d imagine that Friends of the Earth have shares in Tesco so that they can have some say in their inner-workings (like Hugh tried to do).
    I’ve never seen what’s so irritating about HFW, in fact I quite like River Cottage. It’s a good bit of escapism.

  65. ugeine Says:

    I got it off Mediawatch on http://www.football365.com, Von. Didn’t mean to steal your thunder our anything.

  66. Napoleon Says:

    Adam – He’s a floppy-haired, lisping wantwit wot eats badger faeces cooked in wren fat for a living. I’d string the bugger up if I was running this country.

  67. Von Says:

    no worries. No one looks at my site anyway…*sniff*

  68. Adam Says:

    Napoleon – good point well made. God help Jay Rayner! I look forward to reading it.

  69. ugeine Says:

    I had a look Von, and it crashed my browser.

  70. Nick T Says:

    The goat story was on the news quiz last friday…..

    Everyone looks a my site. It’s the shnizzle (do the kids still say that?)

    Kidz?

  71. Napoleon Says:

    Jay Raynor? The bastard love-child of Andre the Giant and a Medieval gargoyle?

  72. Von Says:

    Ha. You must be using IE.

    Kids don’t say that any more, they just stab you.

  73. Napoleon Says:

    You know those times when you need a piss, but you can’t be arsed to go for a piss? Well that’s my life at the minute. Just can’t be fucking arsed …

  74. ugeine Says:

    Shitty work browsers…

    Nick, if you want to impress children, you should refer to yourself as a ‘battiman’. That means somebody who is dead cool, like Roy Castle.

  75. Nick T Says:

    They already refer to me as “Butters”, he’s that cool kid in South Park yes?

    *swings flares*

  76. Napoleon Says:

    Sausage sandwiches for my lunch today. Lovely.

  77. Von Says:

    BLT and Wotsits. Champion.

  78. Nick T Says:

    Chinese leaf, red cabbage salad with mature cheddarrrrrr with a splodge of Helmans

  79. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – I think you’ll find that’s not lunch. What you’ve got hold of there is the lining of a chimpanzee’s enclosure. In future, I recommend tou try bacon.

  80. Napoleon Says:

    I like a nice bag o’ Wotsits. Mind you, you never get enough. How come they don’t make ‘Big Eat’ bags, like wot they do for Monster Munch and their normal crisps?

    Or are they not made by Walker’s?

  81. Nick T Says:

    I’ve never seen a single beef flavoured bag of Wotsits, only available in a mutipack with the vile pickled onion.

    “tou try bacon” sounds French to moi..

  82. ugeine Says:

    Napoleon: While out in Ibiza I found out they do Cheetos (a poor mans wotsit, but still lovely) in mammoth bags for about 60 cents a pop. I want to move there.

  83. Swineshead Says:

    Getting busy in here. Lovely stuff.

    I had a bag of beef monster munch earlier. And a biscuit. Do I win anything?

    Soon there will be ACTUAL PRIZES in the ‘what did you have for lunch competition’.

    Not today – but soon.

  84. ugeine Says:

    I couldn’t decide if I wanted cheese sarnies or ham sarnies today for lunch, so I made cheese and ham sarnies. How do you apply to masterchef?

  85. The Spaghetti Says:

    I had a sandwich from Tesco. It contained no chicken.

    Not an ethical stance, I just fancied sausage and egg.

  86. Napoleon Says:

    You’re right about the elusive beef Wotsit, Nick. They’re lovely, yet do they sell ’em independent of their cheese and pickled onion flavoured brothers? Do they bumsacks, the miserable shithouses.

    I’m not commenting on my accidental use of French. Or my French name.

  87. Nick T Says:

    I’ll wager it was one from a multipack SH.
    Cheetos, with a cheetah as it’s symbol.
    Been around for ages….

  88. Nick T Says:

    I’m still lamenting the death of the “Potato Puff…..

    *bites fist that once punched skywards*

  89. The Spaghetti Says:

    You can’t beat a nice ‘n’ spice nik-nak.

  90. Mel Says:

    And what about salt n shake crisps? Which i never used to add the salt to. mmmmm

  91. The Spaghetti Says:

    Bah, why would you want crisps that involve a degree of manual labour??

  92. Napoleon Says:

    Can you still buy Benson’s Fish ‘N’ Chips crisps? I used to love them. I’d buy a bag, plus some of those white chocolate fish and chip sweets. Then I’d scoff ’em when I got home from school, and then my mum would call me down to tea and I’d say,

    “It’s alright, mum, I’ve already had my tea – fish and chips!”

    And then she’d beat me with a hob-nailed boot.

  93. ugeine Says:

    Can’t beat a good pack of crisps. Even ethically, as it’s very hard to abuse a potato.

  94. Mel Says:

    weeeeeelll, I would mention transfats but Napoleon would accuse me of being a girl…

  95. ugeine Says:

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7851989.stm

    Red Dwarf is back!

  96. Swineshead Says:

    Those fish and chip crisps (or little biscuits, which is what they really were) were amazing and remind me of going swimming and buying a bag after, stinking of chlorine and having lost an elastoplast.

  97. Napoleon Says:

    I reckon I could take a good stab at abusing a potato, Ugeine. Dirty, dirty potato …

  98. Swineshead Says:

    You didn’t add salt to the salt and shake?
    What’s the point in that?

  99. Napoleon Says:

    They were ace were them crisps. Lovely flavour, they had.

    As for Red Dwarf coming back? Bah! Load of shit the first time around.

    What’s a transfat?

  100. Mel Says:

    ugh, do they still have those disgusting foot bath thingies that you have to walk through at British swimming baths? That will have been where you lost that elastoplast, SH, I guarantee it.

    I used to love Red Dwarf (well the earlier ones) but they jumped the spaceshark so long ago, I won’t be holding my breath for this special (And i don’t get Dave either)

  101. ugeine Says:

    Napoleon, it launched the acting careers of Danny John Jules (Who went on to get a bit part in a crappy vampire film) Craig Charles (who went all the way to the back of a taxi, smoking crack and ordering porn) and Chris Barrie (Who did The Brittas Empire 85 years ago and buggered off). If what you say is true, then surely the stars of the show would have faded into obscurity and….

    Er….

    You know, you might have a point there.

  102. Mel Says:

    Plain crisps – proper plain crisps are delicious SH. Piqued wouldn’t like them either, as there is insufficient seasoning.

  103. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – Salt’s bad for you, apparently. I assume if you don’t eat anything that’s bad for you, you get to live forever, do you?

    *looks it up*

    Oh, apparently you don’t. You just get to live right through that undignified bit where somebody else has to wipe your arse for you.

    *eats more salt*

  104. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – There’s only so many times I can laugh at the word ‘smeg’. So far it’s once, when I was twelve.

  105. Mel Says:

    NC – Transfats are those bad fats sometimes also called hydogenised fats – often found when one makes a solid fat from vegetable oil, and is needed to make it stable. Cheap food has it in buckets (literally) and it is often blamed for the obesity and heart disease epidemics that are sweeping our once proud (and thin) Nation.

  106. ugeine Says:

    One of my main weaknesses is crap sitcoms. They make me laugh when I know they shouldn’t. Like the 1,000,000 times I must have seen a joke involving Joey liking food, like was on last nights friends, still made me chuckle.

  107. Napoleon Says:

    Are these transfats the things that make a fairground burger-van burger taste so delicious? If so, I want more transfats in my food.

  108. Mel Says:

    Yes NC, those exact Transfats. Don’t get as many on a vegan diet…

  109. ugeine Says:

    Kebabs have over 1000 calories in it. Good ol’ transfats.

  110. Napoleon Says:

    A vegan diet? Rabbit food and cabbage water? Fuck that. I want food dripping with blood, beef connective tissue, innards, gizzards, beaks, trotters and shotgun pellets, thanks very much. Vegan diet, indeed!

    Get back to bloody Russia comrade!

  111. Mel Says:

    NC – the other day you thought that i was probably vegan, and a god botherer, I’m just playing with you. I got a butchery course for my birthday

  112. ugeine Says:

    I never even knew you could get such a thing for a birthday. What did it involve?

  113. Von Says:

    When it comes to snacks in bags there can be only one winner. Pork FUCKING scratchings. Especially when there’s hair. Om nom nom.

  114. ugeine Says:

    ‘Here’s the pig, here’s the hacksaw, we’ll be back in four hours. Oh, try to get most of the blood in that bucket, it makes nice sausages.’

  115. Mel Says:

    Learning correct butchery techniques, to butcher meat with. I want, eventually, to be able to buy half a carcass and cut it up myself (better quality, much lower price). I haven’t yet started the course, but that is what i want to be able to do at the end.

  116. Mel Says:

    hacksaw, boning knife, bucket, white coat. These are the things that i must take with me.

  117. Von Says:

    Maybe you could turn the carcass into a beautiful flower like that Japanese ‘guinea pig’ movie with the mental samurai.

  118. ugeine Says:

    Sounds quite interesting.

  119. Mel Says:

    Von, I haven’t been to catering college, but aren’t you supposed to do that with radishes?

  120. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – I still reckon you are. No wonder our Empire’s in the state it’s in, what with spineless, sandal-wearing, lettuce-chomping do-gooders like you running around. Frankly, your pack of Jesus freaks are worse than the bloody liberals.

  121. Von Says:

    radishes or japanese girls.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guinea_Pig_(film_series)

  122. Mel Says:

    *shrug*
    Lettuce is fine in the right context.

  123. Nick T Says:

    I wrote about new Red Dwarf here about 6 weeks ago.
    Me and Kryton, we have a connection (twatter and youtube)

  124. Mel Says:

    Has anyone looked at that link that Vn provided?

    I did briefly. It is quite depraved…

    My favourite caption under a photo? ‘Guinea Pig, being held’ and to think, I am actually at work this week…

  125. Napoleon Says:

    “Lettuce is fine in the right context.”

    I can see a place for it in a burger.

    If it wasn’t dangerous, I’d live on nothing but meat and bread. I like hog roasts where you get a load of pig, crackling, apple sauce and stuffing in a bun.

  126. Von Says:

    I like the snout. Full of snouty goodness.

  127. piqued Says:

    Morning, I mean afternoon

    Marcus Brigstocke spoke of this business of less well off folk not being able to afford free-range chickens in his end of year rant on The Now Show.

    He said they’d have a point if a, they weren’t all fat and b, they didn’t also have every flavour tube of Pringles, 5 Family tins of Cadbury Celebrations and multi-bags of Aunt Bessie’s Yorkshire Puddings stuffed into their shopping baskets.

  128. Von Says:

    ‘every flavour tube of Pringles, 5 Family tins of Cadbury Celebrations and multi-bags of Aunt Bessie’s Yorkshire Puddings’

    That was my dinner on saturday TRUEFAX.

  129. Napoleon Says:

    You can eat just about anything off of a pig, as far as I’m aware.

    Has anyone ever eaten an eyeball? I’ll wager not many people come back for a second helping.

  130. Swineshead Says:

    Marcus Brigstocke will appear on any panel show he’s offered. He was even on Hole In The Wall. Is he the new Bill Hicks?

  131. piqued Says:

    What’s Hole in the Wall?

    *ignores Bill Hicks comment*

  132. Nick T Says:

    Grief is that real. HITW.

    I thought I dreamt it….

  133. piqued Says:

    Right just Googled it -Christ

  134. Napoleon Says:

    Hole In The Wall was great. I never thought I’d enjoy watching people getting pushed into a pool by a big foam wall quite as much as I did.

  135. extremelisteningmode Says:

    I’d like to give a donald duck about the way chickens are treated, but don’t. I’ve tried, but in the cold light of day, so long as they are tasty and reasonably cheap, blaaah.

    Before people say ‘how would YOU like to bev treated like that?’ I’d feel really rather awful. But I’m not. So again, blaaah.

  136. Napoleon Says:

    I agree with ELM. Plus, chickens have nasty faces, so deserve to be killed and turned into kievs.

  137. Nick T Says:

    What about lambs, they have pretty faces….

  138. Mel Says:

    Conversely, i know of several people with nasty faces (indeed, i may have been one of them last week) but i don’t want to eat them.

  139. Swineshead Says:

    Nick – it’s a rocky road… and you’ve just made your first step en route to bestiality.

    Congratulations.

  140. Swineshead Says:

    My face is more bird-like than ‘nasty’. But then, chickens are birds.

    I’m confused, is what I am essentially saying.

  141. Clarry Says:

    Hello everyone, i’m back!

    Mega busy, but whilst scoffing my lunch I saw this and thought of you. Tres amusant.

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/somerset/7853328.stm

  142. Napoleon Says:

    If I was an intensive chicken farmer, I’d build a miniature chicken concentration camp. Put up a motto on the gate saying ‘Laying Eggs Will Set You Free’. The chickens’d probably believe it, but I, the evil farmer, would know it was all lies and that they were really destined for the gas ovens.

  143. piqued Says:

    Wonderful story Clarry, brought a tear to my eye

    So, spill the beans, was it okay?

  144. Von Says:

    In Yeovil, the only way to survive is by drinking whisky.

  145. Nick T Says:

    ..and nice furry legs…

  146. Nick T Says:

    Clarry LIVES!!!

  147. Mel Says:

    Most people survive on cyder though. In the westcuntry

  148. Napoleon Says:

    I was in a place near Yeovil beginning (I think) with ‘s’. There’s a posh public school there, if that helps? Anyway, I went to the local pub (where any minute I expected to get a pitchfork through the head) and asked the barman what people did for fun around there. He told me they all went up to Yeovil. When I asked what was in Yeovil, he paused for about eight minutes, spat on the floor and said, ‘Nottin”. Then he told me to get out of his pub.

  149. Von Says:

    Mel : True. Swineshead can testify that I (A westcountyrman) only drink cider. And only eat Pasties. Yeovil doesn’t count however.

  150. Clarry Says:

    He was clearly drunk – how else do you suppose a bottle of whisky happened to roll near the settee?

    P – Yes it went ok, but my guts ache like billy-o. I was a mess going in and the anaesthetist squirted all anasesthetic in my face ‘by accident’. When I came round it was ok, but then my blood pressure dropped to 80 over 30 and I blacked out and fell over everytime I tried to sit up or stand (twice I did an Elvis (whilst on the toilet) so have zero dignity intact), so I had to stay in for an extra night. Mother thought I was attention seeking…

  151. Napoleon Says:

    They’re all backwards down there. Cud-chewing local yokels, rapists, village idiots and murderers.

    Clarry – So you’re not dead then?

  152. Mel Says:

    Von, I am also a westcuntryfolk. I can no longer look at the stuff, as a result of the teenage hangovers.
    And when i lived in cornwall, i had to do a lot of corporate entertaining, which usually included catering. I have had so many ‘cocktail’ pasties that i never want to see one of those again as long as i live.
    Now i live in the Netherlands, and feel much the same way about krokketjes.

  153. Clarry Says:

    NC – no i’m alive, thanks.

  154. Nick T Says:

    I make cider. I still have some left that I made from Lidl apple juice.

    Tasty but will remove varnish

  155. Von Says:

    Mel: I quit the cider after toom any teenage hangovers also, but started again after too many early 20s lager hangovers. I’ve never quit pasties.

  156. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – I was hoping for gruesome tales of oily rags dripping with blood, frantic sawing, cannon shot bursting all around you and the screams of dying sailors. Medicine’s not half as fun as it used to be.

  157. piqued Says:

    ‘my blood pressure dropped to 80 over 30 and I blacked out and fell over every time’

    Christ, that’s very low… I blacked out a few times whilst enjoying Morphine, felt glorious through

    I’m glad it went well despite the clumsy anaesthetist; did you have a pre-med btw?

    Oh, if your guts are aching, treat yourself to a Bessie’s Yorkshire Pudding and a tube of Pringle’s. Celebration?

    *waddles off*

  158. Mel Says:

    Von – please tell me you don’t go for Ginsters?

  159. Swineshead Says:

    He does only drink cider. I seen it.

  160. Von Says:

    Mel: Only as a last resort. And only spicy chicken. Celtic Kitchen pasties are the best, only found in Dorchester.

  161. Clarry Says:

    P.S Regarding the comments at the very top – do you know where Tesco gets it’s name from?

    Tesco’s name actually from a shortened combination of the founder’s name (Jack Cohen) and the initials of one of the orignal suppliers T E Stockwell.

  162. roszs Says:

    Cocktail pasties? Lordy.

    You can sit in Concorde in Yeovil.

  163. Nick T Says:

    *Squirts anasesthetic*

  164. Napoleon Says:

    Only tramps and kids drink cider. Are you a tramp, Von?

  165. Mel Says:

    Yes, it was the Cornish way of indicating they were small, not that they had cocktails in them Roszs. Sounds like something they might serve at one of your fancy dinner parties.

    Pasty sizing (from memory) goes (s-l) cocktail, pasty, large (which were massive)

  166. Nick T Says:

    Rickie Lake looks hot today!

  167. Clarry Says:

    Re pre-med. No I bloody never. The stupid, so-called ‘Doctor Dale’ (a pretend name if ever I heard one) forgot to tell the nurse and by the time I enquired it was too late, hence the being a mess going into theatre. The nurses were very nice though and distracted (tricked) me while the nasty man snuck up and stabbed my hand.

  168. Napoleon Says:

    How do they stop the cocktail from making the pastry go all soggy?

  169. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – Them canulas, eh? Fuck me, they don’t ‘alf hurt.

  170. Von Says:

    Tramp. I have one of these sticks with a sheet tied to the end that I carry my stuff in.

  171. roszs Says:

    Glad to see you are back Clarry and not dead of MRSA or similar.

  172. Clarry Says:

    Yes, they bloody do don’t they NC? I had some numbing cream on first, but I could still feel him smacking my veins and prodding about. Killed mmore when the nurse put the drip in though…

    My hand’s all bruised now and aches.

  173. piqued Says:

    I should imagine they’d have zapped her first and put the canula in place when she was out Nappers

  174. Napoleon Says:

    That’s a proper tramp, is that. Not like the tramps you get nowadays, with their magazines and their bright orange tabards. What sort of a tramp is that? They haven’t even the decency to wear a crumpled top hat and trousers held up with string.

  175. Clarry Says:

    Thanks Roszs.

    *Looks at clock and panics*

    Gotta dash!

  176. Clarry Says:

    P.S No Piqued they put it in (the canula before you start NC) whilst I was awake!

  177. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Apparently not. And what’s this numbing cream? I’ve had plenty of those fuckers jammed into my arm. and not once did I get numbing cream. All I got was a bare-faced lie about feeling a sharp scratch, the bastards.

  178. piqued Says:

    They only normally do that in emergencies. Ouch

  179. piqued Says:

    I know nothing about ‘numbing cream’ either, bare faced lie

  180. Von Says:

    I got this job as a tramp.

    “Poundbury Heritage Village (prop. Prince Charles) is looking for a Traditional Cheerful Gentleman of the Road. The successful recruit will be a friendly, outgoing, presentable tramp with a ready smile and a kind word for everyone. He will be fully continent and will carry a red and white spotted bundle over his shoulder. Shoes with flapping toecaps will be provided. The ability to delight children by producing toffees from behind his ears would be an advantage”

  181. Napoleon Says:

    They also had to put one in FOUR times in one sitting into my missus’s arm before one of her ops (the nurse kept fucking it up). She didn’t get numbing cream neither. Crying her eyes out she was, and she’s half-German! Those emotionless androids usually cry at NOTHING.

  182. Napoleon Says:

    Only in emergencies? Hold up! Is there some sort of punishment NHS only available to the long-suffering folk of Lincolnshire? I’ve had ’em shoved in without s’much as a by-your-leave and there was no bleedin’ emergency about it! BASTARDS!

  183. piqued Says:

    I think it’s because the two times I’ve been under the knife I’d the pre med so wasn’t unaware of the canula til I woke. A canula was fitted to me in A&E when I was suffering from the kidney stone but that was after the Morphine was wanking my front lobe so I couldn’t have given a flying fuck is someone was trying to insert their penis into my eye socket if I’m honest.

    (on that note, I offered to suck the doctors cock when he was examining my bottom btw. Morphine makes you open to new experiances)

  184. Napoleon Says:

    I started singing Bette Midler’s ‘The Rose’, now you come to mention it, Piqued.

  185. Nick T Says:

    “Fantastic” were my last words before I went under.

    Pre med in my bum first…

  186. Mel Says:

    Don’t they normally make you cont backwards from 10?

  187. piqued Says:

    Did you suck anyone’s cock though?

    The doctor who I directed my comment to found this hilarious (thank god) or I would’ve left the place with more than egg on my face.

    I also recall being able to fart at will at great length. Just wish my dad had been there to enjoy it. Actually he may have been, my brother insists he came to see me twice but I don’t remember a fucking thing (I hope I didn’t offer to suck his dick come to think of it)

  188. Napoleon Says:

    That’s what I was made to do when I was a kid, Mel. Maybe they’ve changed it?

  189. piqued Says:

    Mel, yes they do

  190. Swineshead Says:

    Morphine’s alright, but I always had a shitload more fun on mushies. And the surroundings were better too.

  191. piqued Says:

    …certianly agree about the surroundings

  192. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t recall sucking anyone’s cock, no. I’ll ask my missus … hang on …

    … no, she says no. Mind you, she couldn’t watch me twenty four hours a day, so I suppose it can’t be entirely ruled out.

  193. Napoleon Says:

    I’m suddenly feeling a bit gibbous …

  194. piqued Says:

    *injects Morphine*

    shame you’re so far away

  195. ugeine Says:

    When I had me ear pinned back I got a stab in the hand and went out like a light.

  196. Napoleon Says:

    Where’s that miserable old bit o’dog dirt Dave gone? Has he ‘anged himself?

  197. Swineshead Says:

    He’s probably found his ideal job, filling sex-dolls with dairylea.

  198. Napoleon Says:

    Either that or he got a new poster for Christmas that he’s wanking over. In the dark.

  199. ugeine Says:

    He’s probably watching dr who LIKE A NERD.

    *settles down for a night of Star Trek TNG*

  200. Joanne Says:

    I’m a bit late weighing in on the chicken issue but that fucking woman talking in circles has made me vow never to buy a fucking thing from Tesco ever again. I’m going to go to Co-Op and be ‘patronised’. Cunt.

  201. Napoleon Says:

    The language coming out of ladies these days …

  202. Joanne Says:

    Oops, I was pretty wound up. I need my mouth washing out with soap, clearly.

  203. Woot! What’s Buzzing Now? » Blog Archive » Rexburbia 029 - That’S Why People Become Strippers | Rexburbia … Says:

    […] Chickens, Hugh And Tesco Too « Watch With Mothers […]

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