The Culture Show

by

culture show mark kermode lauren laverne bbc2

I like the fact that, among the programmes about thin people purposefully getting fat for scientific reasons on BBC2 and their numerous reality television broadcasts about food, they still find a place for a magazine show about intellectual stuff. It’s good that high-minded people have an outlet for their frustrations. The Culture Show is that outlet.

Last night the show was all about the Scotch (I’ve no idea why), so we were treated to Robert Carlysle talking gibberish under the guise of reciting some Burns poetry. Victor Meldrew talked about if for a bit and then the bloke out of Idlewild did a nice little song.Then they talked to the cumulatively irrelevant Franz Ferdinand and finished with an obligatory (but decidedly non-Scotch) African musical collective.

All very nice, inoffensive and aimed at a specific market. Most folk will prick their ears up for the film bits and the musical sections, then go back to their copies of Titbits when an item comes on about theatre – King Lear last night – presented by the woman with the unmoving mouth, Miranda Sawyer.

My main issue with The Culture Show lies with the presenters. The odd couple being, of course, Lauren Laverne and Mark Kermode. The chemistry between these two is really, really odd. When it comes to Kermode’s film reviews, Laverne indulges him with mock-shock gasps when he says something supoosedly scathing and tickles his fancy with scripted questions with blindingly obvious answers so that he can do that thing he does. That thing where he acts like he knows absolutely bloody everything about everything.

Admittedly, Kermode is a very intelligent bloke. He knows a lot about films, but there is one major issue with his style, which is that he’s started to resemble Michael Portillo’s Spitting Image puppet.

His hair is a plasticated lump that looks like it’s been nicked from Gunther Von Hagens’ spleen collection. I can’t get over his ridiculous quiff no matter how hard I try, and whenever I look at Laverne, I can’t get past the fact she works with Steve Jones over on Channel 4 on a weekly basis and doesn’t smash his blasted face in to a mushy pulp to save us from the builder-in-a-skinny-tie idiot.

For my part, I’ve been brainstorming better presenter couplings for the Culture Show – and here are some ideas:

  • James Bardem and June Brown
  • Jermaine and Latoya Jackson
  • Cosmo and Dibs from ‘You and Me’
  • Avon and Stringer from The Wire
  • Karl and Susan Kennedy from Neighbours
  • Harold and Lou from Neighbours
  • Toadfish and Stonefish. From Neighbours.

If anyone at BBC 2 wants to get in touch, I reckon I’d revolutionise your casting sessions. Email at the usual address.

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298 Responses to “The Culture Show”

  1. Von Says:

    I’ve had a thing for LL ever since she was in Kenickie. I think you’ve missed a trick with your presenter couplings. One should be from a mid level cult britpop band, the other should have fucking stupid hair.

    Amanda MacKinnon and Mr Paparazzi for example.

  2. Napoleon Says:

    I find this show unwatchable. Its definition of ‘culture’ seems to be as narrow as the average Guardian reader’s, its presenters are arseholes and the bands they have on there are all noise and you can’t hear the words.

    If you want to delve into the many-faceted sides of British culture (everything from Morris Dancing to train spotting to genealogy nuts to antiques collectors to pigeon racers), watch The One Show.

  3. Cross Says:

    One, one, one, one, ONE!

  4. Do I not like that! Says:

    Yes, it’s a stupid name for a show. I guess then every other program on TV is not “culture”.

  5. Swineshead Says:

    I’m with everyone else on The One Show, a far superior TV programme.

  6. Do I not like that! Says:

    If you want real culture, Melvyn Bragg’s In our Time is educational and interesting most of the time.

  7. Napoleon Says:

    It is, Swineshead. Thanks to The One Show, I now know Soda Streams have gone all fancy-looking.

    I like it when that mad gardening woman demands an A-list Hollywood star eats loads of different varieties of rhubarb. Or when Brandreth shouts at, and clearly scares the shit out of, a major recording artist.

  8. Napoleon Says:

    DINLT – What’s this ‘real culture’?

  9. Do I not like that! Says:

    To be cultural, do you have to wear a silly suit?

  10. Do I not like that! Says:

    Good point Nap. I stand corrected, everything is culture.

  11. Do I not like that! Says:

    What I had in mind was, erudite discussion of the past, rather than media types wittering on.

  12. Napoleon Says:

    It just annoys me, this ‘Culture Show’ shit. Do they cover football on there? No. Beer festivals? No. Steam rallies? No. Anything much? No.

    If you’re going to call y’self ‘The Culture Show’, how’s about broadening your horizons and cover some culture that doesn’t just involve fauning over some arsehole shoving up pictures daubed in his own shite at the Tate Modern?

  13. Mel Says:

    Ooh, You and Me, there’s a blast from the past. And now i can’t stop singing the theme tune for it in my head. Curse you Swineshead.

    I thought that “gasping wide-eyed script deliver” was Lauren’s ‘style’. It is all i have ever seen her do, from the very first time she was on telly. A bit of a one-trick pony i think. Was she taught that in stage school?

  14. Swineshead Says:

    Cosmo and Dibs, eh Mel?
    I fancied the girl-one when I was five years old. Imagine! A puppet monkey!

    Now, Nappers, you’re quite right. Happy-slapping is as much part of our culture as the latest play at the Old Vic. As are ‘creampie’ pornography, WWF Wrestling and Hummers.

  15. Do I not like that! Says:

    From their website: “A critical guide to film, music, art, books and all things cultural.”

  16. piqued Says:

    I like Mark Kermode’s hair. Shame about his surname though

    Does anyone else remember when Lauren Laverne (who I will not have a word said against) was all fat?

  17. Do I not like that! Says:

    Basically for Metrosexual clones.

  18. extremelisteningmode Says:

    It’s WWE Wrestling Swineshead. Fuxsake man, do your research.

    Though kudos on the ‘Cosmo and Dibs’ reference. Takes me back, does that.

    Having a bit of a nostalgic day actually, as this proves;

    http://extremelisteningmode.com/2009/01/28/old-gold-and-nostalgia-it-aint-what-it-used-to-be/

  19. Swineshead Says:

    She wasn’t, Piqued. Always been a slight girl.

    And you would like Kermode’s hair as you’ve got a similarly ‘edgy’ cut yourself – The Greying Afro.

  20. Swineshead Says:

    There was WWF wrestling. I remember from when I was a boy, singularly uninterested in swapping stickers of homoerotically styled muscle-Marys with the other lads at school, preferring to smear the toilet booths with my own excre….

    *runs off*

  21. piqued Says:

    she bloody was fat, this is her in 2001

  22. Mel Says:

    SH – yes indeed. Was the girl one the one with the sultry voice, like Marianne Faithfull, after the years of smoke damage? If so, i can see your point…

  23. Mel Says:

    PIQUED – i nearly clicked on that. I AM AT WORK. TSk

  24. Do I not like that! Says:

    Why don’t they just call it “Program for trendy types and what is currently on”.

  25. piqued Says:

    Mel, so you’re at work, yeah. It’s only a pic of Laverne in 2001

    DON’T SHOOT THE MESSEN…

    *bang*

    Blast

  26. Napoleon Says:

    “A critical guide to film, music, art, books and all things cultural.”

    Shouldn’t that be:

    “A critical guide to the right sort of film, music, art, books and all things cultural.”

  27. Do I not like that! Says:

    Guide also worries me. I do not need to be guided. I have my own interests and subject matters that I am fully capable of exploring in my own sweet time.

  28. Von Says:

    LL was always a fox. there was a larger girl in Kenickie. Not sure what she does now.

    As for pro wresling, I was at a TNA wrestling live event at the weekend (free tickets from work mind you) at it was actually amazing. The homoerotisicism element of wrestling is overstated by those who seek only to mock.

    *remembers what website i’m on*

    Oh bollocks.

  29. Napoleon Says:

    Has ‘The Culture Show’ covered Truckfest in Peterborough yet? I met the woman wot does the traffic reports on Radio 2 there one year.

  30. Do I not like that! Says:

    You don’t see any Teddy Boys these days do you? Rockabillies were sort of the final throes of that particular culture.

  31. ugeine Says:

    I can’t stand mark Kermode. He started a review of that Zidane film with ‘Well, I don’t like football…’ So why are you reviewing a film about a football match then? Isn’t that like me going to a pastie festival and saying ‘well, I Don’t like pasties, so the whole thing was shit’.

    My casting suggestion: Paul and Barry Chuckle.

  32. Napoleon Says:

    I’m not a fan of Kermode neither. I’d like to bang his head against a wall whilst shouting, “The … fucking … Exorcist … is … not … the … best … film … ever … fucking … made!”, in rhythm to the smack of his noggin on concrete.

  33. Swineshead Says:

    The Exorcist isn’t even the best horror film ever made. Or the best horror film about demonic possession.

    It’s shit.

  34. Nick T Says:

    Kermode has hair like Max Headroom.

    Franz Ferdinand, dreadful…

    Ug, you pinched my suggestion.

    Dick & Dom?

  35. piqued Says:

    Ugeine.

    Nout wrong with reveiwing a film on a topic you don’t like. I’m not a fan of having needles shoved into my torso but I still enjoyed Audition

  36. Nick T Says:

    Mark Commode…..

  37. Do I not like that! Says:

    Saying you do not like football is tantamount to saying you do not like music or history. Association football, invented in England, defines cities and communities up and down the land. Visiting a club ground, built in the nineteenth century in the streets of an ageing town, surely is living history.

  38. Napoleon Says:

    It’s not, Swineshead. The best ‘orror I’ve ever seen’s probably The Thing. You wouldn’t want to meet that fucker up a dark alley …

    … mind you, thinking of what happens in it, you wouldn’t actually know you had done. Probably.

    Anyway, that’s just one film wot pisses on The Exorcist.

    Plus, Kermode’s last name starts with ‘Ker-‘, as in ‘Ker-MIT’. I’m not taking a small green frog’s opinions on films seriously – no matter how many times he disarms me with his charming rendition of ‘The Rainbow Connection’ in the ’70s.

  39. piqued Says:

    I don’t like football DINLT, I do like music, history and having needles shoved into my torso though

  40. Nick T Says:

    I don’t like football either….I’ll pass on the needles though

  41. Napoleon Says:

    “Visiting a club ground, built in the nineteenth century in the streets of an ageing town, surely is living history”

    Until it’s bulldozed in favour of some French-designed plastic monstrosity payed for by Arabs, that is.

  42. Do I not like that! Says:

    Talking of remakes (Minder yesterday), this year is going to be trying.
    The updated Minder, Star Trek and though on a sightly different tack, The Damned United will come under scrutiny.

    I loved the original Minder, and enjoy it on ITV4 these days. I am worried about this updated version. Star Trek the same, Kirk and Spock to my mind should be left as they were, and this new one fills me with trepidation. Perhaps when the Damned United is released, I may do the review for wwm.

  43. Napoleon Says:

    I’m intrigued to see The Damned United too, DINLT. I have my suspicions it’ll be one of those buggers that turns up in about seven cinemas, however.

  44. Swineshead Says:

    I wouldn’t worry, DINLT. When you think of Starsky & Hutch, what comes to mind? David Soul or the crap Hollywood ‘reimagining’?

    The remakes will be confined to history while the originals live on.

  45. Do I not like that! Says:

    Nick T and Piqued. OK, how about Women’s football? Let’s say you get to go and see the Swedish Womens Under 21’s play the Italian Womens under 21’s play and you get to go in the changing room before and after the game. Would you still say you do not like football? eh? eh?

  46. Nick T Says:

    I’m too old for women under 21…….they just don’t interest me….

  47. Napoleon Says:

    I quite enjoyed that Starsky and Hutch remake. I liked the bit where they were in the disco. And the bit with the cartoon bird.

  48. Swineshead Says:

    I didn’t actually watch it, if I’m honest.

    I watched a half-decent film called The Signal the other day – that’s a bit weird. Everyone goes mental and kills each other.

    And I watched that new one – Transsiberian. It’s not very good.

    See? I’m better than Kermode.

  49. roszs Says:

    Piqued – are you mixing up LL being fat with her being pregnant? There were 2 other girls in Kenickie, both of whom appeared to have a closer relationships with pie-based meals than Lauren.

  50. roszs Says:

    I just pressed submit on that comment about an hour after writing it. I see you have moved onto other things now…

  51. piqued Says:

    Rosz, dunno, fat, pregnant, it’s all disgusting at the end of the day.

  52. Napoleon Says:

    Isn’t pregnant the same as fat?

  53. roszs Says:

    Dunno, depends if you count a baby as being the same as a block of lard, I s’pose. I do.

  54. Nick T Says:

    No Nap.

    Fat does not always mean bigger boobs, where as ….

  55. Do I not like that! Says:

    Piqued and Nick T. This clip of a recent game between Man U and Chelsea, shows a terrific and crafty set play (Though i hate to say it). Though disallowed, there is many talking points which could go on for a long time. Remember football is essentially a simple game, though like chess there are so many dimensions to the game that can be mulled over. Even in the modern era which is in some ways destroying the game, the game can produce moments of genius like this. (though i hate to say it again).

    http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=W5yDboVi6Qc

  56. wolfdisguisedasmonk Says:

    I would be delighted to see Stonefish and Toadfish from off of Neighbours present it. I liked yer man, Kermode when he was on The radio cos you didn’t have to look at his ridiculous appearence, still at least he’s not Kim Newman, eh. I would like to table the motion to have Lauren Laverne replaced by the cardboard cut out of her that they use at the start of Orange Unsigned. Not only is it more opinionated, it also carries itself with more decorum and integrity. xx

  57. Napoleon Says:

    Must be my eyesight, then …

  58. piqued Says:

    Oooh, are those kisses for me WDAAM?

    *spreads crack*

  59. Swineshead Says:

    Those kisses are for me, and I accept them readily and with gaping face.

  60. Napoleon Says:

    Kermode wants sacking, I reckon. Replace him with Paul Ross. Now there’s a critic who knows a thing or two about films.

  61. piqued Says:

    *snaps crack shut*

    *storms out*

  62. roszs Says:

    What was that film programme that Johnny Vaughan used to host, with the giant score numbers. I liked that.

  63. Napoleon Says:

    That was a good show, Roszs. I also used to enjoy Gamesmaster with Dominic Diamond. And the ITV Chart Show.

  64. Swineshead Says:

    I remember that Roszs – it was grand. Vaughan actually does know a thing or two about things. I’ve always been a fan of his, for my sins.

  65. piqued Says:

    I liked Rasamatazz and Spender

  66. Swineshead Says:

    Dominic(k) Diamond turned into a prize dickhead, sadly.

  67. piqued Says:

    Was he not always?

    (I don’t like Spender btw)

  68. ugeine Says:

    Nout wrong with reveiwing a film on a topic you don’t like. I’m not a fan of having needles shoved into my torso but I still enjoyed Audition.

    That’s over simplifying the plot of Audition a tad, isn’t it?

    Wouldn’t it be like saying ‘I’m a big racist, so obviously I hated Audition’ and thinking that counted as a film review?

  69. Napoleon Says:

    Spender was fucking great. Much better than Crocodile Shoes or that Parents of the Band gubbins Jimmy Nail’s got himself involved in now.

  70. piqued Says:

    ‘I’m a big racist, so obviously I hated Audition’

    Eh?

    Another example then Ugeine, I don’t like war, in fact I hate it, but The Great Escape is one of my all time favourire films…

  71. piqued Says:

    ‘favourite’ of course

  72. Von Says:

    ‘Dominic(k) Diamond turned into a prize dickhead, sadly.’

    I always liked him on Gamesmaster, but yes he did turn into a bit of a prick. Bob Mills on GamesWorld was miles better.

  73. piqued Says:

    Wasn’t a huge floating misogynistic old racist head in that show, sorry, Patrick Moore

  74. Do I not like that! Says:

    Yes, I do not like war either, but who cannot deny the brilliance of Escape to Victory. Faced with escape at half time or going back to face the cheating German team and biased ref, our boys chose to return and prevented the Germans winning the game and ruining their propaganda.

  75. Mel Says:

    Movie Watch Roszs. That was an excellent programme. I did like that one. Didn’t they continue it for a bit after he left with just ordinary plebs and that?

  76. ugeine Says:

    Good point.

    Are you aware of the football film I’m talking about? I might not be making much sense if you’re not. ‘Zidane’ is a film where 17 cameras tracked his every movement during one 90 minute game. The ‘film’ is essentially a game of football in which one person is followed, so if you don’t like football obviously this is going to impact on your viewing somewhat.

    For example the film Goal, which is a story about football (note the slight difference) got a negative review from Mark and I think that was fair.

    To use your war example, the Great Escape is a film about war, but if it was a 90 minute film in which 17 cameras were focussed on some orphan walking through the middle of a battlefield I doubt you’d love it as much.

    Obviously Napoloen would, mind.

  77. Do I not like that! Says:

    Piqued old chap, Patrick Moore is one of my favourite people. He is not misogynistic nor is he racist. I think your Guardianista views are getting the better of you.

  78. piqued Says:

    Ther’s a fine example form DINLT, I don’t like football or war but I too like Escape to Victory as I do my own bum, Ugeine

  79. Napoleon Says:

    I like war (as long as it’s being fought by other people), and I love war films.

    My comment adds nothing to the above argument.

  80. piqued Says:

    DINLT, it was The Independent I think

  81. Swineshead Says:

    The above argument is pissing in the wind. A fruitless exercise, as Mr Logic might’ve said before getting his head kicked in.

  82. Nick T Says:

    I hate Abba but loved Momma Mia…erm hang on….

  83. ugeine Says:

    Mine, SH?

  84. roszs Says:

    I think its a fair point of ugeine’s, surely? I don’t like football, so wouldn’t watch a 90 minute film following a football game – its not like the football is only there as a narrative device like (sorry) Bend it like Beckham or something (i know that’s a terrible film, I just don’t know any other football films…)

    If you don’t really understand footie then I guess you wouldn’t really ‘get’ Zidane, would you? Or be able to comment on why its an interesting film. So why bother reviewing it, as it would be much better reviewed by someone who could understand what was going on.

    Like getting someone to review an unsubtitled French film, who then starts their review by saying “I don’t speak French, but…”

  85. roszs Says:

    However, I’m not a fan of racism but I love Gone with the Wind.

  86. ugeine Says:

    What she said.

  87. roszs Says:

    Oooh, I’ve remembered another one! Gregory’s Girl! I like that fillum.

  88. ugeine Says:

    I can’t stand oranges, and I love the colour purple.

  89. roszs Says:

    “What about the showers, what will happen in the showers?”
    “Oh… she’ll bring her own soap”

    *runs around early-eighties scotch playground kicking a fitba around”

  90. Napoleon Says:

    Gregory’s Girl ticked none of my boxes, Roszs. I preferred the less story-driven XXX Road Trip III.

  91. Nick T Says:

    They’re not the only fruit Ug….

  92. Do I not like that! Says:

    The scene from Kes with Brian Glover playing football is a classic.

  93. Do I not like that! Says:

    Actually I had not realised that Patrick Moore was Eurosceptic and so Conservative. I do love the Sky at Night though.

  94. roszs Says:

    I love Kes. Even though I hate peregrine falcons with a PASSION.

  95. roszs Says:

    “Saying you do not like football is tantamount to saying you do not like music or history.”

    Is this a serious comment? I cannot tell any more, people get quite Odd about football.

  96. Edna Welthorpe Says:

    Emmy Kate from Kenickie lives up the road from me. She is, I beleive, training to be a social worker.

  97. roszs Says:

    Edna – what’s her address?

    *stalks*

    I loved Kenickie. I wonder if they are all bitter and twisted about the thin blonde one getting all famous.

  98. Von Says:

    Edna – thanks for the info. Wonder what happened to the man Kenickie?

  99. Nick T Says:

    People get odd about football they way they get odd about meat.

    DEFENSIVE…..

  100. Do I not like that! Says:

    Yes, roszs, semi serious. Surely if the country is whipped into a frenzy over a forthcoming football match, people get involved, for example in 1990 and the England West Germany semi final. It was after that tournament that football became trendy. Added to this the history of the game is far reaching and has touched the World like no other sport.

  101. Swineshead Says:

    It’s pissing in the wind, no matter how fair it is, because the generic term ‘film critic’ gives him license to review anything committed to celluloid. There’s no point him reviewing anything with Ashton Kutcher, but he does it anyway.

    I wasn’t having a go at Ugeine, HONEST

  102. Swineshead Says:

    I’m glad you’re only semi-serious, DINLT, as your comment’s bloody silly.

    Film can present any number of topics, whilst the footie is limited to a bunch of men kicking a ball between sticks. They’ve not got really as much of a palette for expressing themselves as the likes of Scorcese – it”s all kick, kick, jump, dive.

  103. roszs Says:

    “Yes, roszs, semi serious. Surely if the country is whipped into a frenzy over a forthcoming football match, people get involved, for example in 1990 and the England West Germany semi final. It was after that tournament that football became trendy. Added to this the history of the game is far reaching and has touched the World like no other sport.”

    I still don’t get how you can even semi-seriously compare football to all of music and all of history… but that is probably because I hate most sports yet enjoy a wide range of music*.

    *as long as it was made by white people in the mid-nineties.

  104. roszs Says:

    And SH proper LOVES football, he would probably marry it if he could.

  105. roszs Says:

    Nick, do you really need to crowbar meat into every gap in conversation?

    *imagines crowbarring meat into every gap*

    *has a little lie down*

  106. Do I not like that! Says:

    The difference is though with a film or play or a novel, the ending is pre determined. With a football match or any sporting event the end is not pre determined. Indeed real human emotions, joys, triumphs, pains and agonies are on display and above all it is real. After a sporting event the emotion is real. Did not a little tear come to your eye piqued, when Lewis came through on the final bend? Did not the tension grab you as he slipped to sixth and were you not shouting at Martin and James…where’s Glock you fools…..?

  107. Napoleon Says:

    I like the bit in Mona Lisa where Hoskins boots that fella in the testicles.

  108. roszs Says:

    Wasn’t the man Kenickie the brother of Lauren Laverne?

  109. roszs Says:

    DINLT – the end of a novel is only, for practical purposes, pre-determined the second time you read it. If you watch a football match on replay, you know what’s going to happen don’t you.

  110. Mel Says:

    WWE – Not predetermined DINLT?
    Give me a break
    *Takes a break*

  111. Do I not like that! Says:

    rozs are you being serious?

  112. ugeine Says:

    I thought he meant that ‘football’ can refer to most games that involve moving a ball shaped object round a pitch, from association football to headers and volley, rugby, Subbueto…

    Are you having a go at Subbuteo, ros?

  113. Napoleon Says:

    Speaking of novels, Roszs, I’ve started reading one where two cops are found dead buried inside snowmen. I doubt you’ll be seeing it reviewed on The Culture Show.

  114. Nick T Says:

    3 times Roszs….

  115. Do I not like that! Says:

    How about a record will always be the same, but a live band…anything can happen.

  116. Napoleon Says:

    Never mind any of this football claptrap! Former World’s Strongest Man Geoff Capes has just posted his monthly udder round-up on my rubbish internet site. Do YOU want to be kept aBREAST of all the latest tit-related news? Then read Geoff Capes’s Udder World Round-Up NOW!

  117. The Spaghetti Says:

    I love seeing monkeys dressed in clothes, but hate The Chuckle Brothers.

    The world is all upside-downey.

  118. Napoleon Says:

    “How about a record will always be the same, but a live band…anything can happen.”

    You’ve clearly not witnessed Deep Purple wheezing their way through their third-rate rock back-catalogue recently.

  119. roszs Says:

    DINLT – only ‘semi-serious’.

    I’ve never really understood it when people compare football to a novel or a work of art. They’re not equivalents. One is a sport, and one isn’t.

  120. roszs Says:

    Nick – 3 times what? A lady?

  121. roszs Says:

    Sorry – my last but one post should read …They’re not equivalents. One is a sport and the other two aren’t.

    Not that it was very interesting, but today I am pedantile.

  122. roszs Says:

    NC – should I click on that at work? I daren’t…

  123. ugeine Says:

    I saw Sheffield Wednesday play Charlton the other week. It was like coming face to face with God.

  124. The Spaghetti Says:

    Roy Castle would dispute a record only ever being the same. But he’s dead. And no-one cares what Kris Akabussi (???) thinks…

  125. Napoleon Says:

    It’s easy to spot the difference. Football is some men kicking a ball about, art is anything you can convince a Russian oil baron is worth £60,000,000.

  126. ugeine Says:

    I’m only joking, obviously. football is more then a mere artform. The Killers are artists. Footballers put way more effort into their football.

  127. roszs Says:

    PS – in Choose Your Own Adventure or Fighting Fantasy books, the end is not predetermined, but is chosen by YOU! The READER!

    *flicks to page 87 of The Warlock of Firetop Mountain*

    *throws a 6*

    *dies*

    *cheats*

    *comes back alive*

  128. Napoleon Says:

    Roszs – It’s reasonably safe. There’s tits, yes, but one pair’s got blurry nipples, and the other’s attached to a woman dressed like a cat.

  129. ugeine Says:

    I just sicked up a little bit re reading my last comment. Ignore me.

  130. Nick T Says:

    3 times a veggie Roszs. Mentioned it three times, well in 3 posts.

    (meat posts?)

  131. Mel Says:

    Roszs i think it is only piqued that trys to trick you into clicking on durrty links. NC is up front about it.

  132. Mel Says:

    i mean tries…

  133. roszs Says:

    You’ve mentioned it again now.

    JUST SHUT UP ABOUT IT YEAH?

    *tucks into plate of tripe*

  134. Do I not like that! Says:

    Absolutely roszs, with a novel, play or book, my emotions are manipulated, with a football match or sporting event you do not know what emotions you will have. Take The Railway Children, either version, never fails to bring a tear to my eye when the father is released. I hate them for this!

  135. Napoleon Says:

    The Railway Children’s rubbish. They should have set it in an 18-23 year old lesbian nun dildo training college.

  136. roszs Says:

    On the contrary sir, I know exactly what emotion I’ll have when I watch a football match.

  137. Mel Says:

    Is indifference actually an emotion?

  138. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve revised that to:

    A dildo training college for 18-23 year old lesbian nuns.

  139. roszs Says:

    Mel – heh, that was exactly the ’emotion’ I was thinking of!

  140. Do I not like that! Says:

    No you don’t rozs…that’s the point!

  141. roszs Says:

    FOOTBALL JOKE ALERT!!!!!!!!

    NC – Mebbe you should revise it to Lesbians 18, Nuns 23.

  142. Nick T Says:

    You’re not interested in my meat post?

    “Daddy, my Daddy!”

    *wells up*

  143. Nick T Says:

    “Vegetarian Lezzania”

  144. roszs Says:

    DINLT – I do though! I have sat through many a football match with exactly the same emotion for the full 90 minutes (although they always seem to go on for longer than that with fucking injury time and whatnot) and only on a very rare occasion (ie when one of the players goes loopy or a dog runs on the pitch) does my emotional barometer veer away from bored indifference.

    I’m not slagging off football in the slightest, this is just my personal reaction to it.

    My point was you can’t compare football (a fairly one-dimensional thing when you come down to it, 90-odd minutes of 22 men running around in shorts while the crowd goes crazy, entertaining as it might be) to the entire back catalogue of the art of the novel.

  145. roszs Says:

    Nick, I gave up all interest in meat posts in 2007, as well you know.

  146. Nick T Says:

    All this talk of football….

    *points at Roszs*

  147. Nick T Says:

    Chick peas now is it?

  148. piqued Says:

    Would anyone like a nice cup of tea?

    Rosz, tea?

    oh go-an, go-an, go-an, go-an etc.,

    *falls off window ledge*

  149. roszs Says:

    I have Wednesday anger today. RARRRRRRGH.

  150. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve just turded-up the toilet, kamikaze-fashion. It’s like the aftermath of the attack on Pearl Harbour in there at the moment. I’d give it at least THIRTY MINUTES.

  151. piqued Says:

    Is that like Rooibos?

    I don’t think I’ve any of that… Can do you a Ginger and Honey at a push though…

  152. Mel Says:

    I am drinking rooiboos and vanilla as we speak (type)
    aaah that’s better

  153. Napoleon Says:

    What the fuck’s a Rooiboo?

  154. piqued Says:

    It’s a large marsupial found in Australia with piles

  155. Napoleon Says:

    Like one o’them bear things wot clings to trees?

  156. piqued Says:

    No, this is more of a big mouse with huge feet, hops about the outback with its bum berries hanging out back

  157. The Spaghetti Says:

    dingleberries

  158. piqued Says:

    More like Dingo Berries actually

  159. Napoleon Says:

    By the way, I’d just like to say a few words about John Updike (whoever the fuck he was), whose death was announced yesterday. It’s doubtful we’ll ever see the likes of such a towering figure of 20th century literature again (whoever he was), yet we can at least take solace in the many important works of fiction he left behind (whatever they are). RIP, John Updike (whoever the hell you are), you will be sorely missed (by all those people who pretend to have read your books, whatever they are).

  160. roszs Says:

    That’s why I’m grumpy, poor old John Updike has gone dead.

  161. piqued Says:

    Witches of Eastwick?

    I read a few of the Rabbit Novels too

  162. Napoleon Says:

    It has fruit hanging out of its arsehole?

  163. Mel Says:

    NAppers – he wrote the Witches of Eastwick. That was a filum with Jack Nicholson and Cher and all

  164. piqued Says:

    Not fruit as such, blood-filled swellings

  165. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve seen Witches of Eastwick. Was disappointed there were no knockers in it. The bit at the end was alright, but nowhere near enough norks.

  166. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – That was a shit film. Anyway, I’m beside m’self with grief. Not bad, considering I’d never heard of him until yesterday. Why, John, why?

  167. roszs Says:

    Assuming you’re not being sarky NC, he wrote the witches of eastwick, the rabbit langstrom books, and that terrorist novel a few years ago just after 9/11 that got slammed. And he won the pulitzer prize a couple of times. He was a brillyunt writer. It’ll be Tom Wolfe next, you mark my words…

  168. Napoleon Says:

    I’m not sure I ever wanted to see Cher’s knockers, and I don’t recall Michelle Pfeffeieerffer ever ‘aving any. And if you want to see Susan Sarandon’s excellent tits again, you should revisit that lesbian vampire film I forget the name of.

  169. roszs Says:

    Sorry, rabbit angstrom, i am all fingers and thumbs today…

    (and I notice that lots of other people have said what I just said so you can safely ignore it)

  170. roszs Says:

    JU hated the film of the witches of eastwick too. You are just like him, NC. And now you must die so that he can live.

  171. roszs Says:

    you see susan sarandons tats in rocky horror, don’t you? The TART.

  172. Napoleon Says:

    Never heard of him, Roszs. I don’t read poncified books written for London ponces in London. I read books about cops being killed and their corpses being buried inside snowmen.

  173. Swineshead Says:

    Not really, Ros, they are masked by a corset. You get to see Tim Curry’s ample bosom though – he’s not selfish like his co-star.

  174. Napoleon Says:

    I can’t remember if she gets ’em out in Rocky Horror, or if she just goes down to the bra. She definitely gives the boys an eyefull in that lesbian vampire film I mentioned. I think David Bowie’s in it.

  175. Napoleon Says:

    She had cracking tits before she committed the ultimate female sin – getting old.

  176. roszs Says:

    NC, you might quite like Updike, there’s a particularly fine description of a baby being accidentally drowned in a bathtub by its mental alky mother in Rabbit, Run, from what I remember.

  177. roszs Says:

    Oh yeah, she’s wearing a bra. FRIGID BINT.

  178. Nick T Says:

    Updyke, sounds like a porn name to me

  179. piqued Says:

    ‘there’s a particularly fine description of a baby being accidentally drowned in a bathtub by its mental alky mother in Rabbit, Run’

    Pedant alert, I think it’s the next one

  180. Napoleon Says:

    Roszs – Do his books feature bitter, cynical, heavy-drinking, middle-aged detective characters getting to the bottom of things by snapping some necks, dishing out beatings and meting out justice via the business-end of a .45 calibre handgun? If not, I doubt I would like his stuff, frankly.

  181. Mel Says:

    Roszs – Gore Vidal must surely be second or third on the deathlist??

  182. Napoleon Says:

    Gore Vidal acted like a right twat towards Dimbleby during the BBC’s US election night coverage.

  183. Nick T Says:

    Gore Blimmie!

  184. Napoleon Says:

    There’s a good one I read once about a dinosaur shark (a shark crossed with a dinosaur, would you believe?) that kills loads of people like in Jaws only there’s dinosaur stuff mixed in with the action, like. I bought it at an airport.

  185. Mel Says:

    I think he was drunk Nappers, or maybe is a little further down the same road that Pratchett fella is traveling.

  186. piqued Says:

    ‘Gore Vidal acted like a right twat towards Dimbleby during the BBC’s US election night coverage.’

    He fucking did didn’t he, I was rather shocked. Came across like a right ponce

  187. piqued Says:

    ‘I think he was drunk Nappers,’

    YEAH DRUNKS ON HIS OWN SELF IMPOTANCERS

  188. Napoleon Says:

    Was he? I just thought he was being an arsehole. Fucking Dimbleby about like that, how dare he? The man’s a national institution, is Dimbleby. I couldn’t have been more annoyed if this Gore Vidal character (who, lest we forget, is the man who wrote Caligula – a glossy 70s porno movie that was excrement rubbed into your eyes, except for the sex bits) had pissed up the Cenotaph.

  189. Mel Says:

    Also, at the risk of sounding like a zoology geek again, sharks predate and have outlived dinosaurs. This makes them much better adapted to their environment, and generally much better. No need to have a cross breed at all.

  190. Napoleon Says:

    Yes, but Mel … sharks crossed with dinosaurs! Eh?

  191. The Spaghetti Says:

    Frost is a dinosaur. The presenter, I mean. Not the wintry condition. Cross him with a shark.

  192. piqued Says:

    I’m with Nappers on this one. The name ‘Dimbleby’ has been a respected institution in international journalism for 60 odd years now. For Vidal to now know who he is made him look like a right charlie, moreover, he was arrogant with it.

    Mother, who is not known to use curse, called Gore a ‘fucking pus riddled cunt’

  193. Napoleon Says:

    I watched that Frost / Nixon film recently. That was good, though the bloke playing Nixon wasn’t as good as wot’s ‘is name playing Frost. He did the voice and everything. Looking forward to his Brian Clough.

    How did blokes get their hair that thick and big in the 70s?

  194. roszs Says:

    Piqued – pendant backatcha – its not, its in the first one. There is a death of a girl in the second one, but she burns to death in a fire.

  195. roszs Says:

    Mel – I didn’t know there were sharks before there were dinosaurs, that is ace.

  196. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – You’re right on the nose there. Pretending to not know who Dimbleby is makes you look like a twit. And writing Caligula makes you look like a talentless arsehole with a Mr. Whippy ice-cream cornet hairdo.

    Why the hell the Empire ever bothered coming to the Yanks’ aid in WWII is beyond me. We should have left ’em to stew in Hitler’s juices.

  197. Do I not like that! Says:

    I did not see Vidal on election night. I did keep an article of his from The Observer in 2003 which i thought was brilliant. As for John Updike, I have never read any of his books, so I cannot comment. Nonetheless a quick look at wikipedia lists Brazil as one of his books. Is this the same Brazil as the Terry Gilliam film, which some say is brilliant, but I found unwatchable?

    For what it’s worth I am going through a Graham Greene phase. That and South American writing, not to mention many others.

  198. The Spaghetti Says:

    Didn’t like Brighton Rock. Terrible book, but an ace film, which is unusual.

  199. Napoleon Says:

    Roszs – Regardless of who came first, imagine the dramatic possibilities of the two species coming together to form one monstrous shark / dinosaur hybrid whole. Think about that and tell me you’d prefer to read the warblings of this Updyke fella (whoever he was). I doubt it!

    *doubts it*

  200. piqued Says:

    Roz, I stand corrected (and aroused as I like being ‘corrected’ when I done been naughty)

    DINLT, I think you’ll find Updike made Brazil by blowing on some dust he’d formed in his sweet hands

  201. roszs Says:

    DINLT – I think Brazil-the-novel is about 10 years later than Brazil-the-film so prob not.

    GG is gud innit. What one you reading?

  202. Napoleon Says:

    Is there dinosaurs in this Brazil book?

  203. roszs Says:

    NC – could the dinosaur shark walk on land? How did the cross-breeding work? Did it have a sharks head and a dinobody?

  204. Mel Says:

    Hmm, to extend this analogy – an extant creature that is clearly already double hard, and fast and scary and stuff; crossed with an extinct creature that was wiped out centuries ago, therefore disproving hardness and adaptability, making it a bit rubbish.

    Something really good x something really rubbish = something even better than the good thing?

    No, please show your working Nappers. surely they would cancel each other out? Like in Newton’s laws

  205. Do I not like that! Says:

    I have read many rozs but the current one is Travels with my Aunt.

  206. roszs Says:

    NC – Yes there are. But they’re on the last page so you have to plough through a lot of non-dinosaur related stuff first.

  207. The Spaghetti Says:

    Any chocolate brazils? Possibly from the Jurassic period, but not necessarily?

  208. roszs Says:

    Spag – Brighton Rock is a brilliant book! WHATEVER.

    Mel – but sharks can’t walk on land. I think if they cross-bred so they could live in land or sea they would be better than just rubbish pure sharks.

  209. roszs Says:

    DINLT – I ain’t read that. I liked Our Man In Havana tho.

  210. Mel Says:

    And, as i was trying to imply, without being explicit, Vidal looked like he suddenly forgot who *he* was, let alone who Dimbleby was.

    It is also possible that he thought that he would win the argument by being dismissive of the aforementioned history in broadcasting. My money is on the former though.

  211. The Spaghetti Says:

    Roszs – I couldn’t get on with it. For the first time ever, I preferred the film adaptation to the original book. And Attenborough is absolutely superb. A tour de force.

  212. Swineshead Says:

    Brighton Rock – a ‘terrible book’?

    WRONG.

  213. Mel Says:

    Roszs – technically, dinosaurs cannot walk the land anymore either

  214. Mel Says:

    Spaghetti – that goes for both of them (Attenboroughs)

  215. Napoleon Says:

    Roszs – It was some sort of extinct Jurrassic super-shark crossed with a T-Rex. It had a T-Rex’s body with a shark’s head and teeth, and was a human killing machine, turning its unfortunate victims into mince with its row of shark / dinosaur super-teeth. In a holiday resort like in Jaws.

    So, contrary to the wafflings of God-bothering, friends of the earth, liberal-minded nitwit Mel, it wasn’t rubbish, and the animals wot it was made off of weren’t rubbish neither.

    Plus, Mel’s a paedophile.

  216. Do I not like that! Says:

    Our man in Havana absolutely brilliant. Loved it when he sent in the pictures of the vacuum cleaner.

  217. roszs Says:

    They can, I saw an Attenborough* documentary about it. They got mosquitos DNA or something.

    *not David

  218. roszs Says:

    NC – I hope the holiday makers had travel insurance!!!!!!!!!!!

  219. roszs Says:

    !!!!!!!!!!!

  220. The Spaghetti Says:

    Richard should play a dinosaur/shark hybrid, and David could provide the commentary. Job’s a good ‘un.

  221. roszs Says:

    I just got told off by wordpress.

    “You are posting comments too quickly. Slow down.”

  222. Napoleon Says:

    Serves the holiday makers right for inadvertantly booking a holiday on an island where they would be used as human guinea pigs in secret tests of a dinosaur / shark crossbreed built by science for the US military, I reckon.

  223. The Spaghetti Says:

    I don’t think my Post Office travel insurance covers that. There was nothing in the booklet.

  224. Napoleon Says:

    Best to go on city-breaks, Spaggers. You don’t tend to get mutant dino-sharks rampaging through Budapest.

    Except just now, in my head.

  225. The Spaghetti Says:

    Certainly not. The bit of Budapest where I stayed looked like it was conducting a civil war, but the strippers were competitively priced.

    No kebabs available anywhere though.

  226. The Spaghetti Says:

    And the Danube has an anti shark/dino hybrid net. Very forward-thinking.

  227. Napoleon Says:

    When I was in Budapest, I was approached by a prostitute every 6.3 seconds.

  228. roszs Says:

    NC – you should have asked her to go away after the first ten times.

  229. Von Says:

    You should watch out for plain ol’ regular sharks in Italy http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1087474/

  230. Napoleon Says:

    Roszs – Can I help it if my spasticated legs mean I can only walk in circles? It’s not my fault that grenade shredded my nerve-ends in ‘Nam …

    Can you still say ‘spasticated’?

  231. Mel Says:

    Von – what “Loan Shark”? I heard they were the most common type there

  232. Mel Says:

    Nappers – was that Cheltn’am?

  233. Napoleon Says:

    Von – I’m going to Venice later this year. Thanks for bringing that to my attention – I’ll make sure to steer well clear of any water when I’m there.

  234. roszs Says:

    Tott’nam

  235. piqued Says:

    Me too NC, April time

    And I’m going to the Mille Miglia an all car fans

  236. Tom Laird Says:

    Nappers was that Chelta nam or Birming nam?

  237. Mel Says:

    I couldn’t think of a good one from Oop Norf.

  238. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – Vietnam. Britain’s finest hour. When we taught the Japs a lesson or two about fighting, back in ’69. You can read about it in my memoirs – ‘How I Won The Vietnam War For Britain by Lt. Colonel Napoleon Cockaparte (NOT French), VC, DSM, KFC, PCP’ – out now in all good bookshops specialising in underground fascist fiction.

  239. Tom Laird Says:

    Fuck…to late…you have to be fast on this bastard

  240. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – We could have met up, if you’d had the decency to go in September when I’m going. Instead, I’m meeting up with Thumper from The Earl Of Hell’s Waistcoat. And I’m not meeting him in Venice, I’m meeting him in Rome.

    And I’m hoping to God he’s not a serial killer.

  241. Tom Laird Says:

    Peter Sutcliffe and Jade Goody would be my choice of presenters

    as for the One Show it would be better on at One in the afternoon…with Bob Langley …perhaps from Pebble Mill

  242. piqued Says:

    September you say, bugger, that’s not April is it, they don’t look the same anyway

  243. Napoleon Says:

    Tom – Goody’s cancered-up at the minute, isn’t she? Didn’t I read somewhere she’s caught a touch of the cancer to further her career? She’s a savvy operator, that girl.

  244. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Nope, ‘fraid not. I could always pretend you’re there, if you like? Order three meals instead of two, and suchlike?

  245. Do I not like that! Says:

    When you say you are going to the Mille Miglia, you mean you are going to stand by some road and watch old cars whiz by. Nothing wrong with that as I like old cars, but at Goodwood they are on a circuit so you see them again and again.
    btw: avoided successfully the chef and his mille miglia prog at Christmas.

  246. Tom Laird Says:

    Being approached by a prostitute every 6.3 seconds. Now that’s what I call a holiday. Even in Leith where they have officialy the ugliest hookers in the world you only get approached on an average of one very 1.33 hours.

  247. Napoleon Says:

    I didn’t see any prozzies in Leith when I was there. This might have something to do with the fact I was there in daylight, on board the Royal Yacht Britannia.

  248. Tom Laird Says:

    I don’t see how the cancer would prevent you presenting a tv programme. The fat lazy bitch. Well that’s that fucked.

    Sutto was right up for it as well

  249. Nick T Says:

    Fred Dinage and Carol Vordamon. PERFECT!

  250. Tom Laird Says:

    You would have been cheaper with a prozzer than a ticket for The Royal Yacht. Do you actually get to drive it? Or have a dump in the same toilet HM used?

  251. Napoleon Says:

    Hold your ‘orses, Tom! Trisha’s cancered-up at the minute with celebrity tit cancer, and she’s carryin’ on. Don’t rule Goody out just yet!

  252. Mel Says:

    Oh nick, they really grated on How 2

  253. Napoleon Says:

    You look at it. I was a tourist up there. That’s what tourists do. I wasn’t up there to pretend to be from Edinburgh, i.e. by overdosing on cheap heroin in the stairwell of a dilapidated 1960s tower block after fucking a £10-a-time Leith whore.

  254. Tom Laird Says:

    I fancy pitching a New Carry On film called Carry On Ripping. About The original(and in my oppinion the best) ripper. Any idea’s for stars?

  255. Nick T Says:

    Grief were they on it together?
    I never saw it.

    Good old Fred has survived yet another re shuffle on Meridian.

    HE WILL NEVER DIE

  256. The Spaghetti Says:

    Fred Dibnah and Antoine De Caunes. They could co-present anything.

  257. Tom Laird Says:

    £10? I tend to steer clear of those high end -high class types.

  258. Nick T Says:

    Except for Dibnah being dead. No matter

  259. Nick T Says:

    *slopes off*

  260. Napoleon Says:

    That said, the Royal Yacht wasn’t particularly exciting. Mind you, it was certainly preferable to the time some little bastard sprog squirted piss at me from a Super-Soaker as I travelled around on an open-top tour bus. The kid must have only been about eight – should have been skinned alive.

  261. The Spaghetti Says:

    He’d find a way.

  262. Tom Laird Says:

    Er..are you sure that was a tour bus? Some of the buses round here are just in bad need of repair. I think that may have been Mr. H with the Soaker.

  263. Thumper Plowman Says:

    I’m more scared than you are Napoleon.

    *sharpens knives*

  264. Tom Laird Says:

    Might I suggest The Edinburgh Wax Museum next time. You’ll laugh, You’ll cry, you’ll demand your money back with menaces.

  265. Napoleon Says:

    Well it said ‘Edinburgh Tour Bus’ on the side. Mind you, that could have been a ruse just to get a bunch of ‘Ennglisssh basssstods’ on a bus so they could be doused in piss by feral Scotch children. I never put anything past you animals when it comes to your ponderous vendetta against us, your overlords.

  266. Napoleon Says:

    Next time? You think I’m coming back?

  267. Napoleon Says:

    Thumps – I think it’s best if we all come heavily armed to this meeting.

  268. Thumper Plowman Says:

    That would probably be for the best, maestro.

    I’ll have my people talk with your people and we can arrange a suitable neutral venue; maybe the Colosseum if it’s not booked?

  269. Tom Laird Says:

    How did they know you were a mash-eater were you wearing your bowler ‘at an pinstripe suit, whistling Land of Hope and glory?

    Or was it your natural superiority that gave the game away? Srictly speaking we fucked up.

    Must’ve been the Snipers day off

  270. Tom Laird Says:

    strictly even.

  271. Mel Says:

    Ha, they have a Madam Tussaud’s in Amsterdam. There are always massive queues outside. I don’t gettit. Most of them are Americans, that queue, and I never understand why they would want to go and see wax effigies of Dutch stars (and the Benny Hill one, ex of London, which is in the doorway)

  272. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t know this ‘Colosseum’ place of which you speak, Thumps. I imagine it’s the sort of place three heavily armed human beings can relax without the feeling of thousands of years of ingrained geo-specific violence weighing on their weary shoulders?

  273. Napoleon Says:

    Laird – I think my fancy-dress costume gave the game away. How was I to know it’s not the done thing to parade around Scotchland dressed as the Duke of Sutherland?

  274. Tom Laird Says:

    Is the Benny Hill one dressed up a La Fred Scuttle Mel?

    You have to see Edinburgh waxworks. There is a prize of being let out if you can guess who the fuck any of them are meant to be.

  275. Do I not like that! Says:

    In the hope of fostering Anglo Scottish relations, together we made history with the first international match.

    Scotland v England (1872) was the first ever official international football match to be played. It was contested by the national teams of Scotland and England. The match took place on 30 November 1872 at West of Scotland Cricket Club’s ground at Hamilton Crescent in Partick, Scotland. The match finished in a 0–0 draw and was watched by 4,000 spectators.

  276. Tom Laird Says:

    Even the Duke of Sutherland doesn’t do that. He can oft times be spotted dressed as Mr. ‘Itler or even George Bush.

  277. Thumper Plowman Says:

    Hmm, maybe not. Mind you there’s an Irish pub nearby, maybe that would work.

    There was an article in a newspaper over here a while back mentioning an US Tourist who remarked that it was clever of the Romans to have built the Colosseum so close to a Metro stop.

  278. Mel Says:

    Tom – I don’t know who that is. I really only remember Benny Hill from ‘Ernie – the fastest milkman in the West’. He is wearing a red coat and peaked cap like an old fashioned bell hop, if that helps

  279. Tom Laird Says:

    5 minutes into the game the English commentators were banging on about howmuch it reminded them of how they won the battle of Flodden in 1513

  280. Tom Laird Says:

    Yep. That’s scuttle.

  281. Napoleon Says:

    Thumps – An Irish pub?? I don’t need to find a cash-in-hand thief to make of pig’s ear of re-gravelling my driveway, thanks very much. Haven’t they got any English pubs in Italy? Ones where you can get a spot of dinner, preferably (and it isn’t that muck Italians eat)?

  282. ugeine Says:

    Ooooh oooh ooh: Alex Zane and a suicide bomber.

  283. Von Says:

    Alex Zane and a pissed off black bear.

  284. ugeine Says:

    Yours is better. He’d die a slower, more painful death.

  285. Von Says:

    Alex Zan and the Norro Virus.

  286. Napoleon Says:

    I doubt that, Ugeine. A black bear would crush his skull with one swipe. I’d say your best bet would be:

    Alex Zane and the man who’s just about to hang, draw and quarter him.

  287. Tom Laird Says:

    Don’t know the bloke. I remember a Zany Alec who was a kids “Entertainer” round our way.

    He was shite as well.

    Any relation?

  288. Von Says:

    Alex Zane and Zany Alec. In a fight to the death. Zany Alec is armed with an axe, Alex Zane has a wet cardboard tube.

  289. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve got a couple of pictures of me stoned out of my face at the Amsterdam branch of Madame Tussauds. In one of them I am molesting the arse of a waxen Jennifer Lopez.

    In another I am pretending to wank off a waxen Arnold Swarzchenneggenegger.

    Christ, that was a good day.

  290. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve got a picture of me pointing at Jaws from Moonraker’s teeth. I’m not stoned.

  291. Swineshead Says:

    Was that in Amsterdam?

    (That’s the reason I was stoned in public, I’m not sixteen any more)

  292. Nick of the T Says:

    Benny Hill was a milkman where I live and am now as I type…

  293. ugeine Says:

    I’m 22, and I go everywhere stoned.

    Have you tried facing Northampton sober?

  294. colinr Says:

    Napoleon, that Susan Sarandon lesbian vampire film was The Hunger, which also featured a nuddy Catherine Deneuve too!

    Sadly it was directed by Ridley Scott’s (slightly more) retarded brother Tony, so there’s not much more of interest than that!

  295. Dave Says:

    I was in the Ellengowan pub in Scotchland and they had a shitty picture of Mark Kermode shaking hands with a man in a motorised wheelchair. All of a sudden I heard a buzzing noise which to my horror turned out to be said man in wheelchair. “That’s me and Mark Kermode”, he said. “I know”, I said. Then he buzzed off back to the bar.

    If the Culture Show didn’t exist I would have been saved from that horrific scenario.

  296. Swineshead Says:

    That sounds quite heartwarming. You get the prize for the week’s most heartwarming anecdote.

    *sends Dave a turd in the post*

  297. Dave Says:

    Not another one…

  298. Celebrities » Blog Archive » Slumber Party Slaughterhouse « Zombiagogo Says:

    […] The Culture Show « Watch With Mothers […]

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