Snow Reportage – LBC & BBC Breakfast

by

bill turnbull

Bill Turnbull and Sian Williams were trying to survive the sudden blast of snowfall without any guests – apart from Rory Bremner, and he doesn’t really count. They kept having to cut to the weather, which was on every 20 minutes in extended 15 minute blocks, meaning that most of the morning’s scheduling was dedicated to the white stuff. (It’s snowing, apparently).

Bill and Sian were also having to put up with the constant appearance of a bespectacled, unshaven drunk who claimed he was the expert on travel. Except he seemed to know as much as I know about the roads and rail, and was bluffing his way through an extended section because there weren’t any guests to speak to afterwards.

Over on LBC, Ferrari, that portly prick who’s employed solely to stoke the fire in the bellies of the small-minded, seems forlorn. He’s without any health and safety practitioners to berate and hasn’t been able to have a pop at the politically correct gestapo all morning, with his show also focusing on this infernal blank rot falling from the sky. He’s having to talk to the kids who can’t get to school and the commuters freezing outside train stations, when it’s obvious he’d rather be ripping a part traffic wardens and congestion chargers.

I’m going to keep listening, in the hope he blames all this rotten weather on the Poles.

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120 Responses to “Snow Reportage – LBC & BBC Breakfast”

  1. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I’ve been blithely unaware of all this. Sounds awful.

    I just slipped over and fall flat on my back in the middle of Tottenham Court Road. It’s hurty.

  2. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    fell*

  3. Who Says:

    You’re safe SH, thank fuck for that. Christ Moyles (sic) said that London is at a TOTAL STANDSTILL. I’m sending you some Big Soup because you won’t be able to get out for days. Which flavour would you like?

  4. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Good old England. Coping with frequent tropical downpours without batting an eyelid, but a foot of snow in Regent’s Park and the whole nation comes to a halt.

  5. Mel Says:

    well, the World Service were blaming a front over Russia last night,so i bet it is only a matter of time for Ferrari

  6. The Spaghetti Says:

    Just travelled 283 miles to work, largely on foot, and not one schoolchild threw a snowball at me. What’s with the youth of today??? Probably indoors stabbing playstations or summat. They don’t know they’re born.

  7. The Spaghetti Says:

    Sorry to hear of the injuries, John. I trust that as you’ve suffered an injury that wasn’t your fault*, you’ll be seeking no-win, no-fee representation in your impending law suit??

    *I assume

  8. Swineshead Says:

    I’d assumed JQW was dead… it’s like WWM’s got its own Lazarus.

    Send the soup over, Who. Those I leave behind can have it. I’m going out for a snowball fight now. I may be some time.

    (Oxtail please)

  9. Mr Chipz Says:

    Our school has closed. I’m not surprised, it’s well snowy and the kids have a matter of feet to walk to school from the estate. Don’t worry spaghetti, the little fuckers here are throwing snowballs and the bigger oafs of secondary school age are already smashing up the snowmen my primary school lot have spent the morning making. Cunts.

  10. Mel Says:

    Are you all playing in the snow?

    I notice that most people in the UK haven’t bothered going to work or school today.

    We haven’t even had a flake of snow here. Bah.

    It was the first time that i had something to say about a British TV programme as well today, having watched Darwin: the Tree of Life yesterday.

  11. Napoleon Says:

    Readers might be interested to know other British cities are available.

  12. Napoleon Says:

    I can barely get out of my door up here. I hope to God the Meals on Wheels lady can get through, else I’m fucked.

  13. Mel Says:

    Will you be off to build snowmen soon too NC?

    I imagine you might have been the sort of boy to throw snowballs with an added ‘surprise’ in the centre

  14. Napoleon Says:

    You’re on the nose there, Mel. Usually I’d put stones in ’em. Or dog dirts.

    And no, I

  15. Napoleon Says:

    You’re on the nose there, Mel. Usually I’d put stones in ’em. Or dog dirts.

    And no, I won’t be making a snowman. I’ll be kicking little kids’ snowmen over instead.

  16. Napoleon Says:

    Hit the wrong button there.

  17. The Spaghetti Says:

    Chipz – In my day, we’d build the snowmen around a bollard or similar. Then laugh as someone kicked it.

  18. Napoleon Says:

    I got told off when I was a kid for making a snowman with a carrot cock and stone balls. Teachers in them days blew everything out of proportion, the paedo scum.

  19. Mel Says:

    Yes, I was definitely imagining the use of dog dirts in your snowballs Napoleon. And to think, mums always used to warn only about the perils of yellow snow.

  20. Nick of the T Says:

    Work closed!!

    Fantastic, all the chav kids are wandering the streets zombie like as they can’t work out what has happened. Poor sods….

    Will spend the day making jingles…..

    Oh, ‘morning!!!

  21. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Spaghetti, I’ll naturally be seeking compensation from TfL for their lack of buses what I could have been on and not having to walk.

    There are builders on Malet Street throwing snowballs at everyone who passes.

  22. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Wait – extreme weather conditions, infrastructure collapsed, zombies on the streets?

    AWESOME!

  23. Clarry Says:

    Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding

    SNOW DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!

    Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding

  24. Napoleon Says:

    I also used to flick fat children with towels, trap guinea pig’s heads in doors and mercilessly pull every pigtail I could get my hands on. I was a right shithead, I was.

  25. Mel Says:

    Not fair.

    I still have to pretend to be working. It is only very cold here.

    *sulking*

  26. Clarry Says:

    Stupid dustmen have mucked all my perfect snow up with their big stupid feet. Bet they did it on porpoise.

  27. Napoleon Says:

    Not keen on this new beans advert.

  28. The Spaghetti Says:

    Those builders – what scamps! They’ll be demanding tea in a minute.

    With the tools at their disposal, think of the giant f***-off snowman they could build…

  29. Napoleon Says:

    We’ve got builders round the back of our house, and the buggers haven’t turned up today. Lazy sods. Probably Irish.

  30. Mel Says:

    Pls describe the beans adverts. We only get adverts about how lekker (sort of delicious) all Dutch products are. This is an obvious lie.

  31. Napoleon Says:

    It’s a mish-mash of old beans adverts with a new voiceover, Mel. It’s depressing to see how many you remember – Heinz has reminded me I’m no spring chicken anymore.

  32. Mel Says:

    the excuse i often use is that they have been re-hashed so many times by those people that make the ‘top 100’ type programmes. I only remember adverts from when the original Charley says adverts were on. the rest have all been falsely implanted in my brain by nostalgia telly

  33. Napoleon Says:

    Good old list shows. Who doesn’t want to hear Tony Blackburn’s reminiscences about the Smash adverts? Or what that TRAITOR Leo Sayer has to say about The Brotherhood of Man?

  34. Mel Says:

    Why is Mr Sayer a traitor? Please list his acts of treason NC

  35. Napoleon Says:

    The fucker’s gone and become an Australian citizen, if you bloody please. That’s treason in my book, Mel. They should drag him back to Britain in chains, throw him in the Tower, then gut the bugger at Tyburn.

  36. Clarry Says:

    That’s all well and good NC, but WHAT about my snow? Hmmm?

  37. The Spaghetti Says:

    Leo Sayer broadcast anti-British propoganda on German radio during the war*. He was known as Lord Haw-Haw.

    *Not true.

  38. Napoleon Says:

    It hardly ever snows in Lincolnshire, Clarry. I always used to get miffed when Britain was buried under a blanket of the stuff, yet Lincolnshire hadn’t seen a bloody drop. Isn’t it something to do with it being sheltered by Yorkshire and Nottinghamshire and shit? Or have I made that up?

  39. Mel Says:

    But i have another question – did we really want him in the first place? I could understand your ire if it were someone good, like Sir David Attenborough, but Leo Sayer -meh!

  40. Napoleon Says:

    Spaggo-Daggo – He did, did he? Bloody typical behaviour, that. And he looks like a clown. And we all know what that means – he’s a paedophile traitor.

  41. Clarry Says:

    Well it’s bloody snowed like mad here since yesterday and isn’t showing any signs of stopping. Work has been cancelled. It does snow here a fair bit, but it doesn’t snow half as much as it used to (that goes for everywhere not just Lincs).

    BUT, the perfect snow scene outside my house has been ruined by big stomping feet, and they are still showing up through the new snow. As a bit of an OCDer, that makes me feel a bit on edge…

  42. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – You don’t turn tail on your sovereign nation, regardless of how worthless a member of that society you actually are. It’s as if the man’s gone up to the Queen herself and fingered her without permission. Bastard.

  43. Napoleon Says:

    OCD’s just an excuse for being a bit of a weirdo spazzer.

  44. Clarry Says:

    I know. I am a weirdo spazzer and no mistake.

  45. Mel Says:

    But what was he for?

    Did he actually have a useful purpose other than to remind people in the early 70s that he felt like dancing?

  46. Napoleon Says:

    It doesn’t bloody matter what he was for, Mel. It’s the fact the bastard’s turned round and stuck two fingers up at the land of his birth. That’s bloody unforgivable behaviour in my book. I don’t care how fucking useless you are, you don’t go over to the other side, not when you had the good fortune to be born British.

    Frankly, I’d have been just as furious if it’d been Gary Glitter turned traitor.

  47. The Spaghetti Says:

    He demonstrated the folly of white people adopting the afro.

  48. Napoleon Says:

    Personally, I think the afro’s a mistake whatever your ethnicity. Who wants to look like a giant microphone? Wallys, that’s who.

  49. Mel Says:

    So, did anyone else see Darwin: the Tree of Life last night?

    i have discovered that the Dutch get the BBC, so went to a friend’s to watch it. I thought it was wonderful, and such a refreshing change from the usual “balance” that the BBC has to demonstrate. Unequivocal in its support of evolution over creationism. Yay BBC.

  50. Napoleon Says:

    I didn’t watch that Attenborough thing. Instead I watched that Gordon Ramsey kitchen nightmare thing. It was a bit annoying because I’ve eaten in that Spanish tapas bar, and wasn’t happy to discover the money I forked out was spent on reheated shit that came out of buckets. I wondered why it was so bloody bland.

  51. Mel Says:

    Oh well, you missed out on a corker. I am (obviously) biased towards the wonders of all things Darwinian, but who better than Attenborough to guide us through his theory and the context of it all? It was class TV i tell you!

    Did they fix the tapas bar, or are you sworn never to return?

  52. Napoleon Says:

    I’m Darwinned out after watching the Richard Dawkins series on him last year.

    They did fix that tapas bar. They got rid of the tapas and the shit local music they used to have on in there, and started doing British fayre. Apparently they do a pie night that looks nice. I like pies, me.

  53. Do I not like that! Says:

    Tapas bars in the UK are unauthentic and complete rip offs.

  54. Badger Madge Says:

    Fuck me, it’s snowing in Bath.

  55. Mel Says:

    Unfortunately, i dislike Richard Dawkins on a personal level. He may be correct about many of his stances, and is clearly an excellent hereditary biologist, with a talent for communicating complex subjects in an accessible way, but i think he is snide and as arrogant as Jeremy Paxman. Which is very arrogant.

    I think pie night sounds much better than reheated tapas from a bowl any day.

  56. Napoleon Says:

    What? Every single one of them? What about ones run by genuine Spaniards?

  57. The Spaghetti Says:

    I prefer the Tom Selleck-alike Robert Winston.

  58. Mel Says:

    oh i think he is patronising as well, but then i do have biomedical training, and think he oversimplifies.

    Ooh, I’m a right mardy cow today.

  59. Do I not like that! Says:

    OK, there are one or two run by genuine Spaniards….and they are better, but still they are too pricy. A Tapas means a cover…to put over your drink. They decided to put a little bit of something on the cover as a gesture. It is still possible to be given a free tapas with each drink you have still in authentic Spain. Indeed there is a bar I have visited a few times where you can drink your beer and get a new tapas with each beer for free. FANTASTICO!

  60. The Spaghetti Says:

    I didn’t realise other people used the word “mardy” too. Very pleased to make your acquaintance!

  61. Mel Says:

    I think it encapsulates how i feel exactly today. It is a very good descriptor spaghetti.

    I liked NC’s use of wally earlier, too. Another one that i hadn’t heard in a while.

  62. Nick of the T Says:

    I may never work again……

  63. Mel Says:

    What you mean yoou work now, Nick?

    Most of us here pretend to work while mucking about on the internets.

  64. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve been pretending to work for fifteen years.

  65. Nick of the T Says:

    Mel….shhhhhhhh!!!!!

    I’m working at home but for my own evil ends.

  66. Mel Says:

    What actual world domination Nick, or doing something on your “free” day off that you might actually find interesting?

    Or maybe just commenting on WWM?

  67. The Spaghetti Says:

    My grandparents’ neighbour was called Wally. In that it was actually his name, not that he was a bit daft. It caused much amusement.

  68. Do I not like that! Says:

    Mel…I used to work in Holland…give me a clue where you are in Holland.

  69. ugeine Says:

    Bloody at work, was hoping I’d get snowed in but this good for nothing bastard snow couldn’t even make my shit old matiz to stop working.

    And in other, way more important news (then trifling things such as sub zero armageddon and the question of why we’re here) it’s TRANSFER DEADLINE DAY all day long.

    I shall be sitting near my tele for 6 hours, nose against the screen in boyish awe as James Hudderson moves from Norhtfleet to Chester on a free.

  70. Mel Says:

    What is all this fascination with me and where i work? I think Telemachus keeps asking that too.

    If you promise not to stalk me, then i live in the same city as the palace, but not the Royal Family.

    What made you go home DINLT? Had you had your fill of krokketjes?

  71. Do I not like that! Says:

    Is Robbie Keane gonna move?

  72. Mel Says:

    What is Transfer Deadline Day Ugeine?

  73. ugeine Says:

    1244: Busy old Barnsley. They have signed Andranik Teymourian on loan from Fulham and winger Adam Hammill on loan from Liverpool. They signed Michael Misfud from Coventry earlier in the day.

    *shits a brick*

    IDNLT: I’d imagine it’s a question of Spurs cash, really. Who knows.

  74. The Spaghetti Says:

    Mel – take it as a compliment. Or be afraid. Very afraid. One of the two.

  75. ugeine Says:

    Mel: No idea what Transfer Deadline Day is.

    TRANSFER DEADLINE DAY, however, is the last day in the January transfer period where a team can sign a player on a permanent deal (as teams outside the Premiership can still loan players). It’s bigger then Jesus.

  76. Do I not like that! Says:

    O I loved it to be honest, but my contract ended and so moved on. Agreed I won’t stalk you!

  77. Napoleon Says:

    It’s these immigrants I blame for this weather. Would we, I wonder, be buried under all this snow if the bloody Poles hadn’t come over here and brought their stinking bloody weather with ’em? If I had my way, I’d put ’em all back in the banana boats they arrived in, and tell ’em to bugger off back to Germany … where they belong!

  78. Mel Says:

    oh sorry Ugeine, i thought that you were talking about something interesting…

    I like living in Holland too DINLT, but i am not so keen on their habit of rolling everything in breadcrumbs and deep frying it.

  79. ugeine Says:

    1254: Portsmouth have signed midfielder Angelos Basinas from AEK Athens on an 18-month contract. Can he help turn around the fortunes at Tony Adams’s struggling side?

    If that’s not interesting, then frankly I like been boring.

  80. ugeine Says:

    Hang about, what’s LBC? Lesbian bookcase club? That’s a stupid club, that is.

  81. ugeine Says:

    Last night the BNP’s Simon Darby said: ‘The BNP is technically an ethnic group and, under Section 26 of the Race Relations Act, we would suggest there are grounds that an offence of incitement to commit racial harassment has been committed.’

    You couldn’t make it up.

  82. Nick of the T Says:

    http://www.nicktann.co.uk is what I want to do Clarry

  83. Mel Says:

    Nice new skin Nick.

    Hope that doesn’t make it sound like i am implying you are a lizard…

  84. Swineshead Says:

    LBC have no time for Lesbians, Ugeine. They’re too busy verbally skewering the Poles, complaining about the congestion charge and worrying that mutated superskunks are killing their already-at-risk-from-paedophilia kids.

    It’s the Daily Mail on local radio. You can probably get it on digital.

    Disclaimer:

    The Author has the right to be Londoncentric if no other bugger is writing articles for free and for no thanks.

    *ahem*

  85. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – Who’s been racially harrassing the BNP? It’s not these bloody immigrants, is it?

  86. ugeine Says:

    Ah, some kind of right wing shout fest. Though technically what you just said is racist towards racists, SH, according to Simon Darby.

  87. Mel Says:

    I did a mini review of Darwin: the Tree of Life SH, in the comments. There is another programme on BBC tonight, that i will also be watching. I can review that if you want?

  88. Napoleon Says:

    I was writing something, but then got distracted by doing an illustration that absolutely nobody noticed.

    So don’t you go lumping me in with the likes of Piqued or that little bastard Ugeine.

  89. Swineshead Says:

    Probably the Poles, Uge / Nap.

    Clarry – did you really not get the fantastically underwhelming digest on Friday?

    By the way, everyone, I just went round Piqued’s missus’ house and he was lolling about watching illegally downloaded films.

  90. ugeine Says:

    I could write a review of this thing I watched on youporn last night.

    5,000 words?

  91. Mel Says:

    Did you build a snowman for him? We can review that if you post pics!

  92. Swineshead Says:

    Fair point, Nappers. I did say ‘thanks’, mind you.

    Personally, Ugeine, I find the term ‘r*cist’ itself offensive. How dare you group a varied section of society under one offensive and taboo umbrella term?

    You white wanker.

  93. Napoleon Says:

    He’s not at work, eh? Despite the fact he owns a means of transport that would get him there. What a lazy, skiving bastard he is.

  94. Swineshead Says:

    Mel/Uge – you can review stuff if you want, my submissions box is always open to you.

    And dripping.

    He really is a lazy, skiving bastard – and the fact he’s not about to defend himself makes his actions even more disgusting.

  95. Napoleon Says:

    I’m off to the greengrocer’s. If you never hear from me again, it’s because I’ve become trapped in the massive drifts, and have all died and everything. Wish me luck, chaps.

  96. Swineshead Says:

    Be careful out there, Nappers.

  97. Napoleon Says:

    *straps on kleats*

  98. Mel Says:

    That sounds like you are channeling Piqued, NC. He has usually made some filthy euphemism by this time of the day, by insinuation if not by actually mentioning phalli

  99. Nick of the T Says:

    “Skin?” Clarry?

  100. Mel Says:

    err, that was me, Nick.

    Clarry probably has skin too, but i was referring to the new design of your blog.

  101. ugeine Says:

    How can you call the BNP an ethnic group?

  102. Napoleon Says:

    Well I’m back, and I’ve only smashed both kneecaps and broken my left wrist. Not a bad result, I reckon.

  103. Mel Says:

    Siege mentality Ugeine?

    Some kind of mentality anyway.

  104. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – It’s made up of an ethnic group, i.e. white people. I don’t know if that’s what they mean, or if they think being a racist shitbag is separate.

  105. ugeine Says:

    But the thing that ties them is their political leaning. ‘technically’ you could be a British Asian and support the BNP. It’s like saying Littlejohn’s attacks on Guardianistas is inciting racial hatred.

    Dos Santos to Portsmouth! Keane’s having a medical at Spurs! *giddy*

  106. Napoleon Says:

    I reckon the BNP needs to open itself to other ethnic groups. I’m sure there must be plenty of racist Asians and black fellas and what-have-you. It could be a big, rainbow-coloured, racist love-in of multicultural hatred.

  107. ugeine Says:

    I’d love to see the banners. ‘Get me out of this country!’ ‘I support mothers against my son!’

  108. Napoleon Says:

    If they thought about it, they could empty the entire island. I’d end up freezing my arse off in Norway.

  109. Mel Says:

    Well, just as long as you didn’t renounce your nationality though eh NC?

  110. Napoleon Says:

    I’d rather eat my own arsehole, Mel.

  111. Dave Says:

    Are the SNP Nazis too? The N stands for Nazi and P stands for people.

  112. Napoleon Says:

    Is that what it is? The Scotch Nazi Party? You’d have thought the Jocks would have had no truck with that sort of business. The buggers fought like trapped rats in WWII.

    Shame on the entire Scotch nation.

  113. Dave Says:

    I think they went in for the BNP but that wasn’t quite nationalist enough for them.

  114. Napoleon Says:

    Well I think it’s a disgrace. You’d have thought the Scotch would have learned their lesson about oppressive regimes. After all, the mighty English have been giving them a regular hammering for hundreds of years.

    BECAUSE THEY NEED A BLOODY GOOD HAMMERING.

  115. Do I not like that! Says:

    Spurs are trying a new technique it seems. Sell all your players and then buy them back six months later. Curious.

  116. The Spaghetti Says:

    They should have done it with houses, not players. They’d have made a pile.

    Do you think they got confused?

  117. Nick of the T Says:

    There is no new skin on my blog, Mel (Clarry).
    But thanks for looking anyway.
    I’ve just been to Portsmouth and back on an errand for Mrs Nick. No fooballers were spotted, or striped.

  118. Mel Says:

    last time i looked it was black and green, and now it is all blue and white Nick. Are my eyes deceiving me? Or was i looking at a different website?

  119. Nick of the T Says:

    You are confusing http://www.nicktann.co.uk with http://nicktann.blogspot.com

  120. Mel Says:

    *is easily confused*

    who am i again?

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