Eurovision: Your Country Needs You

by


Nope, me neither.

Apparently this has been running for weeks – another talent search exploitfest looking for this year’s Eurovision entry, but I barely knew anything about it. I’d seen adverts featuring the atrocity that is Norton towering over us on a huge plasma screen but I assumed it was just another trailer for his barrel-scraping innuendo fuckparty. I was wrong.

It turns out that smug horseface Lloyd Webber, having run out of musicals to promote with stunt-casting, has turned his hand to Eurovision – penning a potential winner and launching a nationwide search for someone unjaded enough to still think that talent shows might actually bring them a career instead of making them a figure for destruction by the popular press.

Every Saturday, nestled against the spangled ITV has-beens on ice, the BBC have been ‘creating stars’ and ‘discovering talent’ whilst providing the serial musical-rapist as much free publicity for his particular brand of cereal-advert-jingle stage nonsense as he can swallow.

Accompanied by the increasingly desperate Lulu and judge-of-such-questionable-pedigree-that-he-makes-Amanda-Holden-seem-over-qualified, Duncan James, they’ve been slowly picking off the dreams of desperate children with the effectiveness of a sniper perched atop a university tower.

Saturday gone was the live final in which the three identikit panto cast-offs (actually four, as the show featured a set of twins) were whittled down to one nondescript winner and Lloyd Webber unveiled his masterpiece of a song, written especially to be an all conquering Eurovision classic. Norton buzzed with pretend excitement, plastering on an expression of delight that even the hardiest of twee pop fans couldn’t mistake as being botox induced – Christ, he looks terrible these days.

After much sub-X-Factor posturing and editing techniques stolen wholesale from that terrible Peter Kay pastiche thing that even less people watched, we were forced to endure not one version of Lloyd Webber’s single but three – three – as each Rorschached performing arts failure murdered their way through it, all preceding to proclaim it a masterpiece that spoke directly to them.

Even within the frame of Eurovision this is a terrible song – fuck it, even within the frame of Lloyd-Webbers-music-being-so-fucking-terrible-that-if-all-theatres-carrying-his-work-were-firebombed-simultaneously-we-would-lose-nothing-from-our-culture it is still the worst thing he has ever written. And we had to sit through it three times, three fucking times as the horse-kicked nostrils of that musical theatre shitheel sat lording over us with the arrogant self pomposity to assume the gifting of the population his talent…

What is truly remarkable is that the inclusion of Lloyd Webber makes Eurovision even more intolerable. Before it was a shameful and embarrassing stain on a culture that has given the world Bucks Fizz, now it is a mutant afterbirth of disgrace as the man responsible for some of the greatest musical crimes of all time drags it further and further down until the only option is to nuke the site from space and hope we wipe every trace of it from the Earth.

Your country needs you? To do what, exactly? Continue the trend for fuck-awful music? To keep employing a self-hating host who wallows in outdated stereotypes and childish cock obsessions? To further plump the ego of one of the most hateful and untalented songwriters in history? Or to pad out the schedules of a broadcaster who looks increasingly like a shoeless hobo dancing for pennies?

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67 Responses to “Eurovision: Your Country Needs You”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    I’d not heard the song till I read that. Poor girl’s been made to warble through the worst song I’ve ever heard.

    This is the strategy to make us win it?

    That binman had more of a hope.

    All that can save us now is cutting all lines of communication throughout the Balkans.

  2. Cross Says:

    This is pretty harsh on Lloyd Webber, he may be offensive on the eyes but you can’t deny what he’s contributed to some of the nations best loved musicals. His past efforts aren’t THAT bad.

    Agreed the song in question is gash though. I like the way the three ‘artists’ were meant to show off their individual style while performing the song. I was waiting for the dance remix – but, no, it sounded the same every. Single. Fucking. Time.

  3. Swineshead Says:

    ‘best loved’

    Dunno about that. Joseph and Phantom make me ill.

  4. Von Says:

    A talent show to find a competitor for another talent show. This is what television has become.

  5. Matt Says:

    Dear Lord, that is quite something. I waited all the way through that (accidentally) waiting for it to kick in with the ‘boom-bang-a-bangs’. Come back Scooch, all is forgiven.

    Absolutely textbook key change two thirds of the way through mind; hats off Lloyd-Webber, those years at the Pete Waterman School of Performing Arts have definitely paid off.

  6. Nick T Says:

    Is this a song?

    It’s dreadful!

    As was “Men of Honour” which I watched with the mem last night.

  7. ugeine Says:

    I demand to know what Gordon Brown will do about this.

  8. Napoleon Says:

    “…launching a nationwide search for someone unjaded enough to still think that talent shows might actually bring them a career…”

    Yes, Leona Lewis must be kicking herself for being so deluded.

  9. ugeine Says:

    And Chico:

    ‘Since then, he has appeared on The X Factor tour, and continues to make numerous public appearances all over the UK. Chico is currently on tour at Butlins, performing full 45 minute sets along with live band and dancers as part of The Chico Experience. He also appeared at the zavvi Outlet store in Sterling Mills in Tillicoultry, Scotland in one of these 45 minute sets.’

  10. Swineshead Says:

    And Steve Brookstein. And One True Voice… and Hearsay.

  11. Napoleon Says:

    Going for the failures, are we? Well on the flipside, One True Voice’s rivals Girls Aloud aren’t exactly facing the unemployment line, that Connie what’s-her-name has now turned to telly after The Sound of Music, the latest winner of X-Factor’s getting the Leona treatment and that fat woman wot won that Oliver thing is in the West End in Oliver (and will probably go on).

    There’s life in the old dog yet, I’d say.

  12. Mel Says:

    And where is Terry Wogan in all this?

    I thought that our strategy, like that of the Irish. was to lose anyway? On account of it being too expensive and also because it really is a National Joke in the UK. Unlike the Swedes, who still think it is great. It was one of the few things that my boyfriend and I disagreed over – whether we should be watching the bleeding Eurovision. But then i suppose, it did give the World Abba.

    Thankyou for the music…

  13. Swineshead Says:

    I’d say it’s less than 50/50, isn’t it Nappers?

    Wogan retired, I believe.

  14. Napoleon Says:

    It’s snowing like nobody’s business here. When will it end? WHEN?

  15. Nick T Says:

    “Puppet on a String” that was one…..

  16. Swineshead Says:

    Snow’s been pretty much eradicated here, leaving grey slop all over the ruddy place. It’s not on.

    Nappers – I forgot to ask you for an illustration. Too late, is it?

  17. Napoleon Says:

    It may well be, Swineshead. But I still don’t think Quincey’s statement holds water. He implies that anyone entering these contests nowadays in the hope of making it big are deluding themselves. Leona Lews and Connie thingy prove this is incorrect. Lewis is massive, whether you like it or not.

    Not fat massive.

  18. Napoleon Says:

    Illustration – I’ll see if I can fit one in. Send me your idea via the magic of e-mail.

  19. Swineshead Says:

    He made a blanket statement, like a big goose.

  20. Napoleon Says:

    You have to watch them blanket statements.

  21. Mel Says:

    What it actually proves is that there is still a market for this kind of nonsense. If people weren’t voting on their premium rate phone numbers, then these shows would be dropped like a hot turd.

    So, i think this proves the case for banning phones.

  22. Swineshead Says:

    Careful with that blanket statement, Mel.

  23. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – Not true of the BBC because they don’t use premium rate numbers. They put these shows on because millions of people watch them, and their ratings shoot up.

    ITV, on the other hand, seem to be in it for the money.

  24. Mel Says:

    But the fact remains that even the Beeb wouldn’t go to the trouble of having a phone vote if no-one phoned in (or txtd or e-mailed or whatever)

  25. Napoleon Says:

    And what has that got to do with what you originally said?

  26. piqued Says:

    At the very beginning of the song she sounds like she’s gonna to do a sick.

    And why is the lazy bastard sat down at the start?

  27. Ashby de la Launde Says:

    I have chills, they’re multiplying
    Because it’s snowing and it’s cold
    And the public transport network
    IS SUSPENDED

    thanks.

  28. roszs Says:

    I wouldn’t describe ALW as a ‘horse-face’, that implies a long face, like Alanis Morrisette. He is more of a toby jug face.

  29. Swineshead Says:

    He’s an onion-head.

  30. Napoleon Says:

    Celine Dion’s got a horse’s face. I don’t think anyone’s ever pointed that out before.

  31. Ashby de la Launde Says:

    There used to be these small rubber faces that were set in a grimace, and you could stick your fingers in the back of it, and manipulate the grimace slightly. We had these when I was small. That is the face of Webber. A fingered grimace.

  32. Nick T Says:

    Lewis is huge but she is one of very few “winners” to have been a sucess in the mainstream. I recon my best chance of making money is on You’ve Been Framed..

  33. Nick T Says:

    “A Fingered Grimace”

    I believe that is a starter at The Fat Duck…..

  34. Swineshead Says:

    Wasn’t the Finger Grimace on the front of an Anthrax album?

  35. Ashby de la Launde Says:

    You’re thinking of ‘Fistful of Metal’, the debut Anthrax album. A work of art, that cover. Moving, wistful.

  36. piqued Says:

    Lewis face annoys me whilst we’re on the topic of faces. It defaults to this ludicrous smarmy sort of pout.

    She’s the sort to deny that she excretes though I have the distinct impression she doesn’t wipe-up properly; in short, there is something unclean about her.

  37. Swineshead Says:

    I hear she’s not too fond of your mush, as it happens, Piqued.

  38. piqued Says:

    You like it, that’s all that matters

  39. Swineshead Says:

    Can we move on? Piqued’s freaking me out.

  40. Napoleon Says:

    Are you sure that’s not the cannabis, Swineshead? I’ve seen public information films where that stuff causes young men with quiffs, motorcycles and a bad attitude to freak out so much, they turn into drug-crazed killers.

  41. Quincy Phd Says:

    There have been a handful of genuine winners of reality shows who have scored success, yes, but they can be counted on half the fingers of one hand whilst those who tried and failed run into the multiple dozens.

    To achieve genuine success you don’t only need to have the public phone voters on your side but you also need some form of charisma and transferable ability – as ably demonstrated by Lewis and not by Jackson and Brookstein and the rest of the worlds ‘talent’ show winners.

    In the context of Eurovision though, you’d have to be a fucking numptee to think that even if you were to win you’d still be rewarded with anything even remotely resembling a long lasting career. The only musicians who’ve ever had any form of longevity are Abba and they’re less respected musicians and more celebrated by morons.

    Blanket statements rule. Even when there are examples to disprove them.

  42. Swineshead Says:

    I lost the quiff at 15, Nappers – but I am an addled killer (of mice – three in 2008)

  43. Swineshead Says:

    That was meant to say two thousand and eight.

    8)

  44. Swineshead Says:

    8)

  45. Napoleon Says:

    Quincey – Not only have you come late to the party, but also you’re wrong. AS USUAL.

    Swineshead – I hope you’re not going to go on a pot-crazy killing spree.

  46. Nick T Says:

    As blankets are being thrown…..There are more Big Brother winners working in the entertainment industry than winners of “Talent” shows.

  47. piqued Says:

    ‘Abba and they’re less respected musicians and more celebrated by morons.’

    In terms of ‘pop’ Abba, I can assure you, are very respected

  48. Mel Says:

    NC- i went to lunch, and we seem to have moved on from your question, so I didn’t give an answer.

    I love those cop programmes from America (Often called stuff like baddest police chases and dumbest criminals etc) where the perpetrator of a crime is always “going crazy on drink and drugs”. It’s always drink AND drugs, and they are never specific. It never goes into detail oif the perpetrator is a psychopath, annd just high on sadism. NOr does it mention if they are simply high on life – i wonder why that is?

  49. Quincy Phd Says:

    I always come late to the party – I like to hang around the edges and see what the general mood and consensus is before sticking my oar in with wild and unsubstantiated statements. It’s how I roll.

    Abba may well be respected in the pop world – McFly are respected in the kidsguff world too and Girls Aloud are inexplicably celebrated by the designer bands world – doesn’t stop any of them being crap now, does it?

    It’s unchecked appreciation like this that ends up with a talentless fuckwit called Andrew Lloyd Webber sitting on a BBC throne having been proclaimed King of the World. I don’t care how popular or heavily promoted he is, his work is dreadful to the nth degree and I’ll not hear a word of support for him.

  50. Quincy Phd Says:

    I may also be being antagonistic and amusing for the sake of argument propagation.

    I’m also leaving again as, unlike some school-closing appreciators here, I still have to work. Just thought I’d pop by and be generally blase about the work of people far more successful than I and belittle any opinions that don’t directly mirror my own.

    That’s also how I roll.

  51. Swineshead Says:

    Abba aren’t crap. Abba are good.

  52. piqued Says:

    ‘Abba may well be respected in the pop world – McFly are respected in the kidsguff world too and Girls Aloud are inexplicably celebrated by the designer bands world – doesn’t stop any of them being crap now, does it?’

    You’re speaking like a man who has never left his home town

  53. Swineshead Says:

    Diss my beloved Abba one more time and I can’t be held responsible for my actions.

  54. Napoleon Says:

    “I’m also leaving again as, unlike some school-closing appreciators here, I still have to work.”

    And that’s something to boast about, is it? DRONE.

    *puts feet up*

  55. Napoleon Says:

    ABBA are a fat pile of shit, by the way. Worse, if you can believe it, than The Carpenters.

  56. piqued Says:

    I’d go so far to say that with the exception of the bloody Beatles, they’re unrivalled when it come to pop music.

  57. piqued Says:

    You surprise me NC, really.

  58. Napoleon Says:

    Why? I can’t stand ABBA.

  59. piqued Says:

    Not so much ‘liking’ Abba (as I’ve said before I’m not a Beatles fan but I’ll defend their legacy with the last beat of my addled heart) but to call them ‘a fat pile shit’, from you, is baffling.

  60. Napoleon Says:

    Why? It’s not the first time I’ve said I don’t like ABBA. I loathe their wafer-thin, 70s roller-disco pop jingles. They’re a cheesy pile of shite with a string of hits that all sound like Olivia Newton John’s ‘Xanadu’. Fuck ABBA, d’ye hear? FUCK ‘EM.

  61. Swineshead Says:

    They’re the best split-gender, power pop quartet featuring two identical men, a blonde lady and a redhead EVER to have come out of the Swedens.

  62. Napoleon Says:

    I can’t deny that, obviously.

  63. Swineshead Says:

    We’re talking Thatcher at the top of the page, you’ll be pleased to hear.

    *waits for fireworks*

  64. piqued Says:

    well surely you’d have had a go on the blonde one back in day at least…

  65. Swineshead Says:

    That blonde one moved in with her stalker. I saw it on the Channel 4.

  66. roszs Says:

    Went to see Milk last night. It was good but I’m not sure I’m that bothered about biopics.

  67. Napoleon Says:

    The blonde one was fat and not particularly attractive, Piqued. And he needed a shave!

    BOOM BOOM!

    Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, I’m here all week.

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