The Friday Question: Watch Your Mouth!

by

Image courtesy of BPPerry

TV history is littered with the problematic words of presenters and pundits who have said the wrong thing at the wrong time. The case of Carol Thatcher is only peculiar in that it was said off-mic, where you’d assume a smack on the wrist might’ve been the usual response.

It’s the on-mic blurtles we’re talking about today. Ron Atkinson is the recent king of idiotic babble, with his assertion that Marcel Desailly was a ‘f*cking l*zy n*gger’, ruining his career as a talking head with three simple words last decade.

Recently, and flipping the race coin, Jesse Jackson came against a hell of a lot of stick across the pond when he said this presuming he was of air. ‘Cut his nuts off’ indeed!

Even more race-based idiocy arrived in the form of Jade Goody’s second Big Brother outing, this time as a ‘Celebrity’, when she had a mad moment (actually, loads of them) and referred to Bollywood Queen  Shilpa Shetty as ‘Shilpa Poppadom’.It wasn’t helped by her pals joining in as they made a series of slurs on the hygiene of a whole nation.

But we’re not restricted to race on this. Anyone who screwed up their career, or shamed themselves a bit is up for discussion. Think George Best or David Icke on Wogan.

Any more for any more?

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220 Responses to “The Friday Question: Watch Your Mouth!”

  1. Telemachus Says:

    Clarkson tends to put his foot in it….

  2. Ashby de la Launde Says:

    David Icke was amazing on Wogan. Easily the best thing that ever happened on that rubbish show.

  3. Napoleon Says:

    Weirdly, Stephen Fry told a Jewish stereotype joke on QI last week. I don’t know whether I’m more surprised that he told the joke, or that The Daily Mail hasn’t started up another outrage campaign.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    I noticed that, Nappers. Very odd. WHERE IS THE LINE IN THE SAND??

  5. Swineshead Says:

    Ashby – are you Wally?

  6. Mel Says:

    And how can we forget Mr Tom Cruise, and his antics circa 2006 (i think)?
    Jumping on the sofa on Opra, insulting mothers with post natal depression, and many many other strange things.

  7. Mel Says:

    Ooh, and Rod Hull and Emu with Snoop on The Word. Not a gaff, as such, but very funny.

  8. Napoleon Says:

    It was odd, wasn’t it?

  9. ugeine Says:

    Some English nanny or something calling a black baby on American TV a ‘little monkey’… Obviously has different connotations over there…

  10. Mel Says:

    Yes NC, I would post a link, but WordPress hates that. I love the way snoop kind of lurked at the very edge of the sofa, with that look on his face!

  11. Napoleon Says:

    Does anybody remember Sarah Kennedy saying the only reason she didn’t run over a black fella was because he opened his mouth to yawn at the last minute? She’s still on the radio.

  12. Threekingham Says:

    ‘Ashby – are you Wally?’

    No.

  13. Mel Says:

    Quick, NC, let’s start a campaign with the Daily Mail. Maybe we can get that other (possible) drunk Ms Paige off the air as well. No reason really, I just hate having to listen to the old trout when I am visiting the olds.

  14. Swineshead Says:

    Ashby – are you Threekingham?

    *confused*

    WHY WON’T BASTARD WORDPRESS LET ME POST THE ACE ILLUSTRATION ON THIS BASTARD POST?

  15. ugeine Says:

    Mark Lawernson’s to commentary what anal rape is to children.

  16. Swineshead Says:

    I don’t mind him. Anyone beats Tyldesly (sp)

  17. Napoleon Says:

    I’m having no more luck posting this picture.

  18. Ashby de la Launde Says:

    Mark Lawrenson is pretty funny. Infinitely preferable to the sour face of Lee Dixon, who seems to take every last kick of the ball personally.

  19. Mel Says:

    Going back in time a bit, there was Simon Groom and his lovely pair of knockers on Blue Peter. Isn’t he a sheep farmer now?

  20. Napoleon Says:

    He’s a vet, Mel. Not a Vietnam vet – one who shoves his ‘aaaaands up cow’s arse’oles.

  21. Mel Says:

    Meh NC, we’ve all done that at some point or another!

  22. Mel Says:

    Apparently, Clarkson has called Gordon Brown a one-eyed Scottish idiot today. I bet old Gordy is gutted!

  23. Swineshead Says:

    As an Arsenal fan, I can assure you, ADLL, that you are wrong. He is a great man and he knows his onions.

    If you were talking about Nigel Winterburn I’d agree with you, as he once told me to fuck off in a strip club near Clerkenwell.

  24. Napoleon Says:

    Good on Clarkson. Though to be correct, he should have called him ‘a one-eyed, Scotch idiot’.

  25. Ashby de la Launde Says:

    He makes Manish nervous, you can see it. He’s a tool.

    Take that, Arsenal fans.

  26. Nick T Says:

    Fry is Jewish so perhaps it’s ok to make ……..

    Cracker!

  27. Swineshead Says:

    Manish is always nervous. So is any football presenter who hasn’t had a career in the game. Chiles is always worried when putting forward a point of view.

    Of course, Lynam could hack it with the big boys on account of his manly moustache.

  28. Napoleon Says:

    Is he? I knew he was of Jewish extraction, but I didn’t realise he was fully Jewish, like. He’s never struck me as a Jackie Mason-style teller of Jewish jokes.

    Well there you go.

  29. roszs Says:

    A drunk Oliver Reed could generally be relied on for some amusing faux pas. On a similar note, I once got sacked from a pub by the very camp landlord for the following conversation:

    Landlord: “Do you know what the lads in the taproom are saying about me?”
    Me: “That you’re gay?”
    Landlord: “…. no, that I’m not cleaning the lines properly”
    Me: “Oh…”

  30. Swineshead Says:

    Ha! That made me chuckle, Rozszsdmslfmasf

  31. Nick T Says:

    Jewishness is passed down via the mother, his mother was Jewish. He mentions it in “Moab…”
    Don’t know if he ever goes to temple….

  32. roszs Says:

    That is a brillyunt book.

  33. Ashby de la Launde Says:

    Adrian Chiles is scared of nothing. If he wasn’t on tv he’d be in Siberia drunk, fighting bears.

  34. Mel Says:

    Ohm, i have remembered another – Michael Burke saying of Philippa Forrester and a colleague at the eclipse “Oh they look cold, they are rubbing each other and he has only come in his shorts”

    I was in Cornwall for the eclipse. It was a bit of a non-starter due to the clouds really.

  35. Swineshead Says:

    I stopped reading Moab very early on in the first chapter. Not my cup of tea at ALL.

  36. Swineshead Says:

    *comes in his shorts*

    cocks?

  37. Mel Says:

    And then there was that classic cricket one, but that might be an urban myth (I don’t watch cricket)

  38. Nick T Says:

    MIMW similar to Booky Wook yes?

    *Starts WWM book club*

  39. Napoleon Says:

    Booky Wook. For fuck’s sake.

  40. Swineshead Says:

    The title betrays the quality within.

  41. ugeine Says:

    Most of my irritation from Lawro comes from the shambolic Pro evolution soccer 2009 commentary, though his distinct brand of televised anti commentary gets on my tits.

  42. Nick T Says:

    It’s not for everyone. All the people I know that have read it, loved it. People that haven’t read it, hate it……

  43. Ashby de la Launde Says:

    Couldn’t finish Booky Wook – did about half of it. Exhausting. Essentially, a peacock trying on a variety of different hats while continuously explaining that they are a) definitely a peacock and b) definitely read some Dostoyevsky once.

  44. roszs Says:

    MIMW is well superior to booky fucking wook. Russell Brand hasn’t even been in JAIL probably.

  45. Napoleon Says:

    “The title betrays the quality within.”

    Pah! There’s no quality comes from that simpering arsehole. Drivel, that’s what he specialises in. Shitty drivel.

  46. Mel Says:

    When was Stephen Fry in jail? Was it after he walked offstage and went to Belgium?

  47. Ashby de la Launde Says:

    It was after that armed robbery, wasn’t it?

  48. Napoleon Says:

    Tried that Moab shite, and threw it in the fire after five pages. Garbage.

    At the minute I’m reading a mystery where some bastard’s killing off old Jews in America. I’ve yet to discover what he’s got against these old Jews.

  49. Napoleon Says:

    He nicked daddy’s money, didn’t he?

  50. Mel Says:

    I don’t know, but i am genuinely interested.

  51. Nick T Says:

    Similar SIMILAR.
    Moab is superior, granted. But …… oh forget it

  52. Napoleon Says:

    They’re both rubbish, Nick.

    No, if I had my way, the only books you’d be able to buy would all have Nazis and dinosaurs in ’em. I’m currently writing one set in the Vietnam War, and it’s not only got Nazis and dinosaurs in it, but also ninjas, tits, a crack squad of elite British commandos, Steven Segal AND a man being force-fed his own anus.

  53. Badger Madge Says:

    Fry got away with it because he’s Jewish. It’s like black people can call each other n*gger; Jews can do the joke thing…

    Weirdly, my boyfriend repeated the joke to me as I was out of the room, and I felt a bit uncomfortable with him saying it (I’m Jewish by race, not religiously).

    Silly Badger.

  54. Napoleon Says:

    Jews are a separate race? Does that mean Christians, Hindus, Sikhs and Muslims are too? Weird.

  55. roszs Says:

    Mel – he nicked a load of credit cards as a teenager and went on a crazy suit-buying, hotel-staying bender in London for a fortnight.

  56. Napoleon Says:

    What a jolly wheeze! I’d have strung the bugger up.

  57. roszs Says:

    NC – Jews are indeed a race of people, rather than a religion. RE GCSE FACTOID.

  58. roszs Says:

    Wot was SF’s jewish joke btw?

  59. Napoleon Says:

    Are they? Well I’ll be. The one and only Jew I know has been hiding this separate race of his under a cleverly-constructed veneer of caucasianness. The devious little bastard.

  60. Mel Says:

    Thanks Roszs!

  61. Swineshead Says:

    It wasn’t very funny, Roszs. And Fry is irritating on QI.

    Oh! We do love you, Phil Jupitus! With that gag that just fell flat! Oooooh marvellous!

    He hits heights of insincerity that have hitherto been unscaled.

  62. Napoleon Says:

    Phil Jupitus had a cracking lead balloon tally on The One Show the other day. Nearly every other quip fell flat on its arse.

  63. Badger Madge Says:

    I thought it was quite funny… But it’s v long-winded and I can’t be arsed to type it all out.

    Yes Jews are a race of people. They belong to the race of Semites. Anti-Semite, see?

  64. Napoleon Says:

    That sounds like crap to me, Badger.

  65. piqued Says:

    Nope, it’s true NC

  66. Nick T Says:

    Dumb cracker, typical

  67. ugeine Says:

    Honkey ass mofo.

  68. Napoleon Says:

    Is it, Piqued? Well forgive me for misreading the meaning of ‘semite’ all these years (and not this wierd bastardisation that smacks of anti-semitism), which is a group of peoples connected by the semitic language group (Arabic, Phoenecian, Hebrew, blah, blah, blah). As far as I was aware, it was only ignorant anti-Jewish types who started lumping Jews together as semites and a separate race from everyone else. Wasn’t that one of the Nazis’ favourite tricks?

    Separate race, my arse. What the fuck do you say you are if you’re an Arab Jew? Or a black Jew? Your hocus-pocus religious beliefs don’t denote your damned race, and they never have done.

  69. Swineshead Says:

    I am iron like a lion in Zion.

  70. ugeine Says:

    Racist.

  71. Napoleon Says:

    Religionist, Ugeine.

  72. Swineshead Says:

  73. piqued Says:

    Interesting.

    Well now you’re touching on a very different topic, the etymology of race. Of course, all races come from a single source so you could argue there is no such thing as race at all.

    With this in mind, I’d argue that the users of the ancient Semitic language did evolve into a ‘race of people’ with characteristics that set them apart from African, Asian, etc.,

  74. Swineshead Says:

  75. Swineshead Says:

    ‘You’re grandfather’s grandfather’s grandfather… was an egg plant.’

    ‘I haven’t killed anyone… since 1984’

  76. Nick T Says:

    Three legged race = Isle of Man

    You can have that one for free, I just made it up.

  77. Napoleon Says:

    I’m not touching on a different topic. At no stage in the evolution of the human race has religion (a collection of weird belief systems used by the unenlightened as a comfort blanket against the grim reality of their worthless and finite existence) denoted what race you belong to. I ask again, what race do you say you belong to if you’re born black, but Jewish? Or is such a person not a true Jew? If so, is there, perhaps, some sort of face and height measurement system we can come up with that classifies Jews?

    Oh, hang on! I’ll just leaf through the case notes of Dr. Joseph Mengele for my answer, shall I?

    Tommyrot.

  78. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    One race …The Human Race.

  79. Swineshead Says:

    *wipes tear from eye*

    That was beautiful, DINLT. Just beautiful.

  80. Napoleon Says:

    DINLT – And that’s bloody hippy talk. Your mob lost the argument when you stopped prancing about in the buff at Jefferson Airplane concerts, and got into stock options and unit trusts in the late ’70s instead. Hippocrytes.

  81. Napoleon Says:

    That’s not how you spell that, is it?

  82. Badger Madge Says:

    Nap, as far as I know, all eastern types are semites (so arabs, jews etc) but that yes, folk tend to just think of anti-semite as being anti-jew, when actually semites are jews + others (see above).

    judaism is a race as well as a religion. the two are v ery closely linked, but i can’t think of one jew that would argue differently. judaism is passed down through the bloodline. it’s racial. innit.

    if you’re a black jew, you call yourself a black jew. i don’t see the difficulty in that!

  83. Napoleon Says:

    Hypocrates? Hyppocrites?

  84. Napoleon Says:

    Badger – Judaism is a religion. Therefore, it’s got fuck all to do with what race you are.

  85. piqued Says:

    I wasn’t talking about Religion; I was talking about a ‘race’ of Semites…

    But I see your point. However, you’re failing to recognise aspects of the Jewish faith that set it apart from other faiths, for a start Jews aren’t traditionally allowed to marry outside of their faith and the maternal bloodline would suggest that it wouldn’t be possible to be born black and be (truly) ‘Jewish’ in the modern age.

  86. piqued Says:

    beg pardon re. above, in the West

  87. Badger Madge Says:

    nap. judaism is a religion. AND a race.

    ask hitler.

  88. Do I Not Like That! Says:

  89. Badger Madge Says:

    actually forget hitler. ask the hundred of jews who pretend their daughters are dead if they marry “out”

    it’s a fucking race, as well as a religion. ok? the two aren’t mutually exclusive. in fact, where judaism is concerned, in the venn diagram of jewness, there is a massive overlap.

  90. Badger Madge Says:

    also, ask the hundreds of jews who don’t consider those who have converted as “proper jews”

    judaism (apparently) isn ‘t something you can choose to be.

    you’re born into it.

    it’s a race.

  91. roszs Says:

    NC – I know several atheist Jews, its not just a religion. Everything’s so black and white to you isn’t it, you RAYCIST.

  92. Nick T Says:

    You see the flag of the Isle of Man……

  93. Napoleon Says:

    Hitler would agree with you, Badger, not me. One of the central tenets of the Nazi anti-semitic ideology was that the Jews were a separate race (and an inferior one to boot) from everyone else. Also thrown into this nonsense was that Northern Europeans were also a separate race (this time vastly superior) to everyone else. The latter was dismissed as poppycock, yet the former is taken as gospel. Balls, I say.

    I’d have been shot by the Nazis for saying this, so don’t try flinging fucking Hitler at me.

  94. Badger Madge Says:

    lols i’m glad you’d’ve been shot by the nazis, not taken in as on of their own.

    but i’m afraid you are wrong and hitler and i are right.

    er… shit.

  95. Napoleon Says:

    That’s your view, Badger. I haven’t said a damn thing you’ve been able to dispute, other than to say ‘They are a separate race, and that’s that.’. That’s not actually refuting what I’m saying.

  96. roszs Says:

    Yeah, but you just keep saying “they’re a religion”, which isn’t true as you can be a Jew and not believe in God. It comes down through the bloodline, innit. Hitler using that information to persecute them doesn’t make it untrue.

  97. Badger Madge Says:

    blood, nap. blood.

  98. Napoleon Says:

    Because I don’t hold with this argument that Judaism is a religion and a race, Roszs. Just because you think you’re something doesn’t make it true. I could go around thinking I belong to a long line of spoons going back to the time of the first great spoon from which all other spoons can trace their lineage. Despite the fact I might happen to think this, it doesn’t actually make it true. You’re either a Jew i.e. you follow the religious flim-flammery that is Judaism, or you’re not.

  99. Badger Madge Says:

    nap, are you saying something can only be a race if there’s a physical distinction????

  100. Napoleon Says:

    Science, Badger. Science.

  101. piqued Says:

    My Granny was Jewish, non-practising (she was born of a Jewish mother, also non-practising because she married a Romany -just as well she wasn’t knocking about in Germany in the 40’s eh) and subsequently my dad, and to a lesser extent, myself, share certain traits that could be considered racially ‘Jewish.’

    That’s all

  102. Napoleon Says:

    Ye Gods! They’re trying to make St. Andrew’s accept women members now. The world’s going to hell in a handcart.

  103. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Does that mean I’m an Aryan? There’s Viking blood roaring through my veins, after all. That’s a bloodline, is that. Blood.

    *consults 1930s National Socialist race classification pamphlet*

  104. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Excuse my ignorance, but if one were to theoretically accept the teaching of the monotheistic religions, we are all descended from the sons of Abraham?

  105. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Anyway…whatever race, colour, creed, religion, football team you support…we all like a cuddle don’t we?

  106. Napoleon Says:

    Indeed we would be, DINLT. If Abraham wasn’t a fictional character from a fairytale. I prefer the actual facts, which are that we came out of Africa after evolving from all sorts of rat-like scuttlers and monkey-type characters. Science has always held far more interesting explanations than the wafer-thin veneer of absolutely fuck all put forward by your religioneers.

  107. roszs Says:

    I thought it was fairly well settled by theologians and other academic folk that Abraham wasn’t a fictional character, just like Jesus wasn’t a fictional character. Whether you believe them to be prophets or the Son of God or wotevs is a different matter.

  108. roszs Says:

    Jewish names are nice. If I was Jewish and had a son I would name him Moshe.

  109. Napoleon Says:

    Roszs – Nice to see you separated Theologians from academic folk. That’s a distinction we can thank the enlightenment for.

    Unlike Jesus, there’s not a shred of evidence for the existence of Abraham.

  110. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Napoleon (I prefer the actual facts, which are that we came out of Africa …) actually it is not fact, it is theory. A very interesting and seductive theory, however speaking as a scientist, and postulating the scientific principle , for a fact to be scientifically proven, it has to be repeatable. Therefore evolutionism is a theory and a scientific theory but it is not fact. FACT.

  111. Napoleon Says:

    DINLT – There’s a mountain of evidence that points towards evolution being the only plausible explanation, as well you know. A hell of a lot more than what religion’s come up with to back up its outrageous claims that God was behind it all, i.e. absolutely no evidence whatsoever.

  112. Swineshead Says:

    Hang on – who’s a spoon?

  113. Napoleon Says:

    Me, I’m a spoon. I come from a long bloodline of spoons. My grandma was non-practising spoon who went off and married a fork. BUT I’M STILL A SPOON.

  114. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Agreed Nap, but it is not fact. That’s my only point.

  115. Napoleon Says:

    DINLT – I apologise for using the word ‘fact’, when I should have used ‘theory’ (though let’s not forget it’s a theory sitting on top of a giant boulder of evidence).

  116. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Anyway the theory of panspermia is very interesting.

  117. Nick T Says:

    Your “point” eh?

    That sounds “forkish”.

  118. Nick T Says:

    God does not exist, fact!

  119. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – I’d argue you’re correct. Certainly nobody’s come up with any evidence to the contrary.

  120. Nick T Says:

    A bus said so Naps.

    I argued against the “probably” but was not heard.

  121. Napoleon Says:

    That ‘probably’ annoyed me. You don’t get that level of fudgery among your religious types. If that mob of deluded nutcases had put up an advert to the contrary, it would have read:

    “God DOES exist, so behave yourself.”

  122. Excelsior! Says:

    It used to really hack me off back when i was student, listening to twats in my seminar going on about how “science is just another form of religion yeah?”

    No it isnt, its a detailed system of knowledge about the world we live in that produces tangible results such as electricity and genetics.

    Religion makes nice pictures

  123. Napoleon Says:

    Exclesior – And let’s not forget it was science – and not religion – that came up with the technology that allows me to watch two young ladies having a go at each others’ particulars in the comfort of my own home when the missus has gone to bed. What has God done for me? Made some thunderous paedophile roar at me that I’m going to spend eternity roasting in the flames of hell because he caught me looking at a dirty book when I was ten. Shit me up, did that.

  124. Swineshead Says:

    I wouldn’t trust a spoon as far as I could throw one (a spoon).

  125. Napoleon Says:

    That’s anti-spoonism, Swineshead. As a spoon (coming from a long line of other spoons, etc.), I’m OFFENDED by that.

    You know what that means? It means you lose your job. Or get suspended. Or nothing happens to you (see: Kennedy, Sarah; black man comment made on radio).

  126. Swineshead Says:

    Why don’t you go back to your cutlery drawer, you silver shit.

  127. Napoleon Says:

    Obviously, you young cats don’t listen to Radio Two (except for Piqued – an old cat who went straight from Radio One to the radio retirement home that is Radio Four), so you probably don’t know who this Sarah Kennedy woman is.

    To fill you in, she’s a mad old bag who bangs on about her cats at six in the morning before Wogan comes on. Her comment about only being able to see a black man in the dark when he opened his mouth was far worse than anything either Carol Thatcher or Rosselthon Russbrand said. Yet The Daily Mail didn’t go mad. Is this, I wonder, because the batty Ms. Kennedy is a perfect example of your typical Daily Mail reader?

  128. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – I’ll have you up before the race relations board, you spoonist bastard.

  129. Swineshead Says:

    We’ve all heard of Kennedy, I’m sure, but nobody cares as she’s on so early… and is permanently pissed.

    I’m listening to Robert Elms on Radio London – he’s a tit.

  130. Badger Madge Says:

    aaaanyway, here’s that stephen fry joke…

    An angel comes down from heaven carrying two slabs of stone.

    He goes to France and says Hey, I’ve got some commandments for you.

    And the Frenchman says Hmm, dunno, what are they like? Give me an example.

    Thou shalt not commit adultery.

    Nah, I’m not interested!

    So the angel goes to Germany and says Hey, I’ve got some commandments for you.

    So the German says Hmm, dunno, what are they like? Give me an example.

    Thou shalt not kill.

    Ooooooh, I don’t think so!

    So the angel goes to Italy and says Hey, I’ve got some commandments for you.

    So the Italian says Hmm, dunno, what are they like? Give me an example.

    Thou shalt not steal.

    Oh, go away!

    So the angel goes to Israel and says Hey, I’ve got some commandments for you.

    And the Jew says How much are they?

    They’re free.

    I’ll take ten.

  131. Napoleon Says:

    HA HA HA HA HA! It’s even funnier the second time round.

  132. Nick T Says:

    Danny Baker is king of Radio london

  133. Napoleon Says:

    “We’ve all heard of Kennedy, I’m sure, but nobody cares as she’s on so early… and is permanently pissed.”

    I doubt some of our younger viewers have. Most of ’em weren’t even born when Game For A Laugh was on.

    Anyway, people should care. It shows the BBC can’t find its own arse with both hands when it comes to its disciplinary policies.

    Because they’re a bunch of namby-pampy, liberal, Guardian-reading shitwits, obviously.

  134. Swineshead Says:

    BMTV – RACIALS!

  135. Badger Madge Says:

    isn’t sarah kennedy that blind woman who was married to that musical bloke? wassisname…

  136. Napoleon Says:

    Danny Baker’s a twat. He was a twat when he was doing the Daz ads, a twat when he was presenting Pets Win Prizes, a twat on 606 and a twat when he filled in for Jonathan Ross. He’s a right twat.

  137. Napoleon Says:

    Henry Kelly?

  138. piqued Says:

    A lot of seemingly ‘stereotypical’ Jewish jokes are told by Jews (Woody Allen, Jackie Mason spring to mind). They can be a very self-deprecating and I think that’s what pisses a lot of intolerant cunts off about them, the inherent facility to laugh at themselves.

    Put it this way, that Hilter fellow wasn’t known for his gags was it…

  139. Napoleon Says:

    That’s because the Germans wouldn’t know a joke if it kicked ’em up the arse, Piqued. No sense of humour, the Bosch. It’s all guzzling sausages, shitting on each other’s chests and starting massive land wars with that bunch.

  140. Badger Madge Says:

    hitler’s gma was jewish.

  141. Nick T Says:

    I’m not so sure about that Piqued http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0G5aYiLfVM

  142. Napoleon Says:

    Badger – Was she arse.

  143. Badger Madge Says:

    she bloody was!

  144. Badger Madge Says:

    or maybe great gma but he deffo had jewish blood.

  145. Napoleon Says:

    And your evidence for this is what exactly? Some murky rumour started by Hans Frank? An Austrian village Hitler had destroyed for some mysterious reason? That fuckwit Ian Kershaw’s universally derided biography of the man?

    The only thing Hitler tried to cover up about his family was that it was filled with simpletons, lunatics and child abusers.

    Jewish grandmother? Jesus fucking wept …

  146. Swineshead Says:

    Wasn’t there a rumour Hitler himself had Jewish blood in his veins? Or am I drunk?

    *looks at cup of ‘tea’ suspiciously*

  147. Napoleon Says:

    Deffo? As in ‘definitely’? Where are you getting this shit from? ‘My Big Book Of Made-Up Facts About Hitler’?

  148. Napoleon Says:

    “Wasn’t there a rumour Hitler himself had Jewish blood in his veins? Or am I drunk?”

    The word you’re looking for in there is ‘rumour’. Circulated by political opponents who were trying to discredit him.

  149. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Did he have only one ball?

  150. Swineshead Says:

    Yes, DINLT, it was kept in the Albert Hall and was tiny.

  151. Napoleon Says:

    Unless I, too, am drunk, I seem to recall some document I read saying he’d had one nut removed during WWI.

    As for it being in the Albert Hall, who knows?

  152. Badger Madge Says:

    i thought it was general knowledge. i’m sure it’s more or less fact that he had jewish blood. too lazy to check tho.

  153. Napoleon Says:

    You have to wonder who, if this story is true, decided Hitler’s testicle should come to rest in the Albert Hall. Was it Churchill gave it the nod? And did he specify that location because ‘Albert Hall’ rhymes with ‘ball’, and would hence make the penning of a derisory comedy song easier?

  154. Swineshead Says:

    The power of Twitter:

    Richard Herring tweeted that he was appearing on BBCLondon with Robert Elms so I tuned in and waited, twittering in the meantime, in Herring’s direction, the following:

    @Herring1967 – Just tuned in. I once saw Robert Elms shouting at his children in Camden Town. I assume they were his children anyway.

    Then, on air, Elms mentioned the very incident, or one very similar, where he had remonstrated with his bloody kids in Camden Town. I was thrown by this and tweeted at Herring:

    @herring1967 – I told you hates kids/teenagers. He admitted it himself. He should be sacked for that comment.

    And got the reply:

    @Swineshead – yes was thinking of your tweet as he said that!

    So my suspicions are confirmed. ROBERT ELMS HATES CHILDREN.

  155. Swineshead Says:

    His mother (the dirty bugger) she took it off him when he was small.

    Or words to that effect,

  156. piqued Says:

    RIP Lux Interior

  157. Napoleon Says:

    Badger – It’s not a fact. It’s a load of crap cooked up by his opponents in the 20s and 30s. It was reiterated by that rat bastard Hans Frank at his trial in Nuremburg, and discredited because Frank had spent the last twenty years lying his arse off. It’s in the public domain because, like you, nobody can be arsed to check whether its true or not. Those that have made bloody sure there’s no truth in the rumour are many, many, many Jewish academics, and those historians of World War II who take the subject a little more seriously than fuckwits like Ian Kershaw and that creature David Irving.

  158. Badger Madge Says:

    Swines: see? she was jewish! boom boom.

    You “tweet” herring? tell him i want his babies.

  159. Badger Madge Says:

    naps: ok fair dos. just did a swift google and it appears there’s a VERY slight chance his mum shagged a jew but it’s not bene proven.

    apolo-gees.

  160. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – That’s not the version I know. As far as I’m aware, Herr Hitler had only the one ball, the other being, as we’ve established, in the Albert Hall. Himmler had something similar, whereas poor old Goebbels had no balls at all.

  161. Swineshead Says:

    It was relevant so I tweeted. It’s an uncanny tale though, eh?

  162. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Wasn’t he Austrian?

  163. Napoleon Says:

    That VERY slight chance being that she was a cleaning lady in a Jewish household? Let’s not forget who started that one, eh? The communist opposition, as rabidly anit-semitic as Hitler himself. Lest we forget that that rumour not only links Hitler to Judaism, but also rather nastily insinuates that a poor German girl cann’t go to work for Jews without one of ’em foisting ’emselves on her. Such a lovely time to be alive.

  164. Napoleon Says:

    Stalking celebrities now, eh Swineshead? Licked any other famous people’s arseholes recently?

  165. Excelsior! Says:

    Good Christ you can actually communicate with Celebs through Twitter!?

    Arent there some kind of A.I doormen keeping the likes of us away from our betters?

  166. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    the national socialist party were not very socialist were they?

  167. Nick T Says:

    Was a coincidence SH. Naps is just jealous….

    *sits in chair, in colour*

    I read everything, EVERYTHING!

  168. Badger Madge Says:

    swines: i have to admit it didn’t really make much sense to me. but i totally have a massive crush on him, and would happily tweet/stalk him if i knew how. in fact, if you tell him you know that freak who talked to him about anal sex at the pizza place in oxford, he’ll be your best friend.

    no rilly.

  169. Napoleon Says:

    Jealous of being talked to by someone who used to be on TV? Yes, Nick, I’m seething with envy here. You got me.

    I’m off to the butcher’s.

  170. Nick T Says:

    Not talked to Naps, tweeted to.

  171. Swineshead Says:

    He’s old, bless him.

    Always fun to track back and watch Nappers insult Andrew Collins, then apologise whilst trying not to apologise…

  172. Nick T Says:

    I couldn’t get into their podcast though.
    Got there too late in the game.

  173. roszs Says:

    My friend shagged Richard Herring. Apparently his house is MASSIF but he did that ‘pushy down on the head give me a blow-job’ thing that girls find oh-so attractive on a one-night stand. He smashed up a present that my friend Mel made him when we were 16 at a gig in Cheddar, and Stewart Lee had to apologise.

    I saw a German stand-up once, they started their set by saying “A lot of people say that Germans have no sense of humour. I do not think that is very funny”.

  174. roszs Says:

    BM – just read your post, don’t fancy him, he’ll find out and then push down on your head till you give him a blow-job. You’d LOVE that though wouldn’t you. Yes.

  175. Swineshead Says:

    I didn’t want to know that information.

  176. roszs Says:

    SH – I liked your tale of Robert Elms and coincidence, it was gud.

  177. roszs Says:

    Sorry…

  178. Swineshead Says:

    Roszs – I can’t help but wonder how RH gets people to arselick him….

  179. Nick T Says:

    SH He pushes their heads down…..

  180. Swineshead Says:

    That was my point, Nick

  181. ugeine Says:

    My friend shagged a herring.

  182. ugeine Says:

    Apparently it was well FISHY hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

  183. Ashby de la Launde Says:

    Surely he pushes their heads up, from the chin.

  184. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Roszs…which pub in Camden did you got to in the end?

  185. Nick T Says:

    Oh….

  186. roszs Says:

    Went straight to the Monarch where the thing was on at and got drunk as a bloody skunk.

  187. Nick T Says:

    I’ve got to drive home via Cheively (Newbury).
    Expecting to get home sometime around sunday….

  188. roszs Says:

    Good luck Mr T. My parents are snowed in in Somerset, but luckily they are good country folk so have a whole deer in the freezer to gnaw on.

  189. Nick T Says:

    Ta Roszs….bollocks everyone

  190. Napoleon Says:

    Well I’ve bought my sausages.

    So Herring likes what he wants and gets what he wants, eh Roszs? That doesn’t make him a bad egg. Indeed, I met him once at the Edinburgh festival, and he was a charming young man to talk to. So what if he’s a fan of cutting to the chase when it comes to pointing out to a lady where her duties lie in the bedroom department?

  191. Napoleon Says:

    “Always fun to track back and watch Nappers insult Andrew Collins, then apologise whilst trying not to apologise…”

    I’ve only insulted him once, you cheeky bastard! Well … twice, probably. Anyway, I issued that apology after I sobered up.

  192. Swineshead Says:

    It stank of rimmage.

  193. Napoleon Says:

    Rimmage, my arse (yes, I know, I know). It was an apology issued after a regretable set of comments made when under the influence. I’m not averse to saying sorry when I know I’ve done wrong – witness that Sharon business last year (a bad business). Better to do that, I reckon, than fester away denying you’ve done anything.

    Like wot 99% of the blogging community does.

    Anyway. The butcher saved a lovely bit of ham for me for my sunday dinner.

  194. Napoleon Says:

    Got m’self a copy of that new version of Prince of Persia in town. Don’t know if it’s any good or not, despite there being a bazillion online sites that have reviewed it. Couldn’t be bothered to check.

  195. Clarry Says:

    And what was the Sharon (bad) business?

  196. Clarry Says:

    P.S I had another half snow day

    DING DING DING DING DING DING

  197. Napoleon Says:

    I had a go at her, Clarry. It had been building up for months. She said something on her site about me and ‘my cronies’ that triggered a furious, drunken diatribe from me. I regretted it, issued an apology (which she accepted), and moved on.

  198. Napoleon Says:

    Remember when snow didn’t stop people from going to work? Back when it was grown-ups who did all that work? Those sensible British folk we call our parents?

    This country’s a bloody disgrace.

  199. ugeine Says:

    Snow? That were luxury in my day. We would kill for a bit of snow. All we got was diseased water that me mum would try and make a little bit colder. And we thought it were christmas come early!

  200. The Redundant Girl Says:

    You know, it’s getting really messy around here – when Spring comes you lot need to have a tidy up of the old place…you can borrow my black latex gloves and home brewed disinfectant which is REALLY strong stuff – works wonders on blood stains!

  201. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Race-Jews are sort of like Americans who call themselves Irish. They’re not Irish, one of their grandads was, but they’re so desperate to find some sort of inherited identity that they go around calling themselves Irish anyway. Or conversely, all them people with Jewish grandads what suddenly became pure inheritors of their Lutheran Mum’s race. It’s so diluted that it’s impossible to call Jews really a race. People who practise Judaism. Them’s Jews.

  202. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    The Lutheran Mum’s race – that’s for the ones who didn’t want to get gassed when Hitler was on the throne back with the nazzers.

  203. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I came in a bit late ‘ere.

  204. Dave Says:

    me too. didn’t miss much though as I see it’s another blasted Swineshead effort.

  205. Swineshead Says:

    Meaning, Dave?

  206. Swineshead Says:

    Comments like Dave’s make it all worthwhile… thanks for that, Dave.

  207. Napoleon Says:

    That was mean, Dave. Swineshead’s writings are a damn sight more enjoyable to read than your idiot fucking drivel.

  208. Swineshead Says:

    Quite demoralising, finding that on a Monday morning.

    I might give up on writing this assault on Mark Dolan and start all over again tomorrow.

    *weeps*

  209. Napoleon Says:

    Don’t listen to that fat twat, Swines. Dave’s a side-swiping twerp who needs a good hiding, I reckon.

    I have a genuine anecdote from the weekend, by the way. Want to hear my anecdote?

  210. Mel Says:

    Mornin’.

    I wouldn’t worry about Dave, all he does is come late to the party and leave random rubbish anyway. I cannot recall his last effort here (not that I am one to talk, but i have had a few goes, but not been happy enough with them to submit one)

    But anecdotes, that i do have time for. Spill NC please.

  211. Swineshead Says:

    I’m writing it anyhow… thanks for the moral support, Mel and Nappers!

    Btw Dave – if Naps says you’re being mean, that means, it’s serious.

    Anecdote?

  212. Napoleon Says:

    Right then. I was in town on Saturday (sitting on a bench eating a sandwich) when a woman rolls up with a toddler in a pram thing and sits on the bench next to me. The kid was, without a shadow of a doubt, the ugliest child I have ever seen. So I’m sat there, trying not to look at this spawn of Satan, when a young couple walk by and the bloke stops, does a double-take and spurts out:

    “That’s the ugliest fucking baby I’ve ever seen.”

    Well the mother (who you can see monthly in Viz as the character Tasha Slappa) goes absolutely bloody ballistic. Roars over there and starts laying clouts on the bloke, and then starts on his missus. A couple of rozzers intervene, and calm the situation down enough to ask what’s going on. The mother tells them what the young fella said, and both coppers turn to look at this kid and, just for a split second, their faces betray what they’re actually thinking – that this is the ugliest kid who’s ever had the misfortune to fart himself into existence.

    At seeing their faces, I burst out laughing, and the mother rounds on me. “What the fuck are you laughing at?” says she, and I nod towards her kid, and reply, “That.” And she goes mad, has to be restrained, and the coppers tell me to fuck off – with smiles on their faces the mother can’t see.

    That stinker of a kid made my weekend.

  213. Mel Says:

    Heh, that’s funny.

    So was she arrested? And was the charge crimes against genetics (not in the same way as was discussed previously in this thread)?

  214. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t know the outcome as I was told to piss off. It would be nice to think she was arrested, as you say, for some sort of genetic misdemeanour. I pity that kid when he grows up. Masturbation is going to be a big part of his life.

    Like it is in Dave’s.

  215. Swineshead Says:

    Ahahaha. One word can get you in so much trouble…

  216. danlett Says:

    Jews are pretty unique in having a religion that won’t let you not be a Jew. Consider David Cross’ stand-up routine:

    David Cross: But I’m an atheist. How can I still be considered a Jew?

    Rabbi: Let me ask you one question, you say this now, but, uh, was your mother’s vagina jewish?

    David Cross: Yes.

    Rabbi: Then you’re a Jew. I’m sorry. Nothing I can do for you.

  217. Dave Says:

    Swineshead is an exceptional writer and is far more readable than much of the professional writers you read in national newspapers. Considering his prolifacy too, I can only applaud him. As for my idiot shite, that’s exactly what it is – the musings of a frustrated, inferior arsehole. Can we not just assume everything I write is nonsense and, trust me, not a reflection of how I live my life. Thank you.

  218. Dave Says:

    See, I can’t even form sentences correctly.

  219. Swineshead Says:

    I appreciate that outright flattery.

    Are you working these days, Dave?

  220. daveselectricblanket Says:

    I’m a temp which, in these bastard ‘Labour’s Not Working’ days is enough for me.

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