The World’s Most Enhanced Woman And Me


mark dolan

Mark Dolan first arrived in the public eye on the Richard Taylor Interviews – a slightly amusing Channel 4 comedy stunt show in which he posed as the MD of a fictional company, then put hopeful interview candidates through a gruelling process of humiliating tasks. It was designed, I think, to prove that management speak was a load of guff – featuring footage of these upstarts in the days before The Apprentice discussing just how 110% they are, followed by the satisfying sight of yet another young pretender to the corporate throne making a right royal tit of themselves in the desperate hope of landing a £30k management team leader ‘role’.

So, a decent start to his TV career. But then things started to descend – as anyone who’s seen Balls of Steel will attest. I’m pretty sure I don’t have to do anything other than mention the title and remind folk that it was Dolan who gleefully presented it to get your gag-reflexes swinging.

After that, a stint sitting beside Nick Ferrari in the LBC studio, a punishment in itself, one would imagine. And now he bafflingly finds himself involved in an hour of good-slot Channel 4 TV every week. Without googling or scanning Wikipedia, one suspects Dolan has worked in production or commissioning before, so pitching himself a new show is as simple as telling Channel 4 what hours he can work. Otherwise there’s no way someone so monumentally untalented – either in front of the camera or coming up with concepts behind it – would get this much work. Otherwise there is simply no justice in the world.

This latest outing has been criticised by critics as a tasteless neo-freakshow and coming at it with fresh eyes, having not seen any of the last series, you can see exactly why. In The Most Enhanced Woman In The World, Dolan travels to America (where else?) to track down women who cater to the ‘big boob’ fetish. A dying breed (in some cases literally) since their wobbly bosomed heyday in the decadent 90s.

Dolan doesn’t say why he wants to meet ridiculously augmented women and he neglects to add a Louis Theroux style disclaimer at the start explaining that he’d like to know what these people are all about. He simply dives in there, like an over-enthusiastic public schoolboy, intent on fulfilling his pointless mission. Without any context for the brief, we’re left with a lanky moron going on a jolly to poke fun at the spiritually bereft.

Ho ho!

First he meets a big-boobed blonde who, since the softcore work dried up, recently made the move into hardcore. Her silent (and much younger) husband retrieves two implants from a carrier bag that she no longer fastens to herself because they’re too big and they leak – with the potential for the silicon to enter brain cells and the bloodstream, causing paralysis, brain damage and death. Despite her life choices, this one was quite aware of the inherent tragedy of her surgery. Without any suffering to poke his pointy stick at, Dolan cruised off to find something a little more perverse for the camera.

And he found it. Minka was, once upon a time, an adequately proportioned South Korean lady, doing normal things – like playing tennis and working in a mundane job, all the while with a normal set of dumplings – until Woody entered her country and her life. Woody swept her off her feet and dragged her to America where he persuaded her to stick implants the size of space-hoppers up her armpits so they could make millions of dollars.

Their household, as far as we could tell, was a loveless void where the big-boob obsessive kept his disfigured missus for two reasons. Firstly, so that he could live with a grotesquely adorned doll (that’s what she had become – all trace of personality wiped) and secondly so he could make money out of it. Dolan made steps towards obtaining an understanding of Minka, but so superficially that he needn’t have bothered. It was left to the viewer to use the scantest of evidence to piece together how this relationship worked. The devil is in the detail – owning seven small dogs might demonstrate that Minka is lonely, for example – but rather than go searching for more of this kind of stuff, Dolan just snorted and singgered his way through before committing the ultimate documentary-making sin.

The ‘judgement piece to camera’, where the presenter addresses the audience (or the cameraman), is a major mistake in this sort of television. Especially when the presenter judges the subject and offers his opinion. Notice how Theroux only talks to camera if he’s telling the cameraman to get out of the way, of if totally necessary to give a sense of time and place. Nick Broomfield also avoids it at all costs. This is why they get awards. They’re aware of what documentary actually is. Dolan, however, treats his audience with contempt and attempts to tell us what’s going on despite the fact we already know, and think he’s an arse for not being able to cope with it properly.

Finally, Dolan visits Brazil where Shayla was going for the world record in terms of the size of her waps. Shayla was immediately a sympathetic character, and Dolan initially appeared to make a connection. We were witness to tears and insecurity which came to a head in a scene on a beach, were Shayla admitted she had self-esteem issues due to a lost love, and then a shopping mall scene wherein Shayla hoovered up the curiosity of onlookers, mistaking it for love. There was a lot here that could have been said about the culture of celebrity. With a few more questions along those lines, we’d have got to the heart of Shayla. But Dolan couldn’t be arsed. He was too busy watching her balance her boobs on the table so she could take the weight off her spine.

When Shayla went for her record-breaking augmentation, instead of asking pertinent questions, Dolan stood like a spare prick at a wedding doing bugger all. He appeared to have lost all emotion in the face of truly troubling subject matter. It was obvious that he was in too deep and, without the charm, charisma of presence of mind to deal with it, what could have been quite a startling piece of insightful TV turned into the absolute opposite. Freakshow TV where the host becomes even freakier than his subjects by virtue of his ignorance.

The final piece to camera did nothing to rescue this nasty slice of nothingness. Dolan simply bailed, with words to the effect of ‘I’ve met the most enhanced woman in the world, and I wish I hadn’t’.

He’s all heart.

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157 Responses to “The World’s Most Enhanced Woman And Me”

  1. Napoleon Says:

    It was rubbish was watching blue movies in the ’90s. The amount of balloon-breasted monstrosities on show was a disgrace to the industry. After ten years of that shit, my cock was covered in cobwebs*.

  2. Napoleon Says:

    *No it wasn’t.

  3. Mel Says:

    Sounds like a delightful young chap. I didn’t see this, but thought that Balls of Steel, was just Balls.

    Is it wrong to admit that i quite like Louis Theroux in the same way that Roszs’ mate liked Richard Herring?

    I am also impressed by the number of different words that you have employed for breasts.

  4. Napoleon Says:

    The only good thing about that Balls of Steel rubbish was that Bunny Boiler woman. I liked looking at her. WITH MY HAND.

  5. Swineshead Says:

    I missed out ‘norks’. A firm favourite.

    I think Louis is classic thinking-girl’s crumpet, isn’t he?

    My missus likes him more than she should.

  6. Swineshead Says:

    Ah – Nappers – that was the delightful Thaila Zucchi (sp).

    A class act – and all natural

  7. Napoleon Says:

    My missus likes that Christian Bale fella a bit too bloody much for my liking. Mind you, I’ve spent years insisting on watching anything Keeley Hawes has been in, so I’ve hardly any right to complain.

    I like her for her acting abilities, obviously.

  8. Mel Says:

    I think you might be right SH, and i like to think of myself as a thinking girl (contrary to all evidence!)

    In German, nipples are called breast warts.

    I quite like Bristols, as a breast euphemism.

  9. Napoleon Says:

    I prefer Carry On-style terms for tits such as ‘knockers’ and ‘boobies’.

  10. Mel Says:

    I just knew you would be a knockers man, Nappers.

    I think piqued would prefer bosoms or bazookas

  11. breeks Says:

    my good friend is neighbours with louis. he’s rarely seen without his cycle and in deepest harlesden that takes knackers.

    meanwhile big boobs are not all they’re bapped up to be. really.

  12. breeks Says:


    (a lot)

  13. Mel Says:

    *admiration for Mr Theroux increases exponentially*

    Aaah. And he is a cyclist!

  14. Napoleon Says:

    I love the word ‘knockers’, Mel. It’s a fruity word. You know you’re in for a bawdy session of humourous bedroom athletics if your other half’s advancing towards you with a filthy leer on his face, demanding a go on your knockers.

  15. Napoleon Says:

    My ex had massive knockers. Nipples like fried eggs. Bloody ‘orrible they were unfettered, but strapped up in full cleavage mode, they made you pull a Terry Scott face and go ‘phwoooooar’. Weird, was that.

    Oh, and may she BURN IN HELL.

  16. Mel Says:

    My other half’s Swedish, so I don’t think the use of the word knockers would really occur to him NC

    Bawdy – that is another good word.

  17. Swineshead Says:

    Not sure if you’ve seen this – Charlie Brooker just flagged it up on Twitter. It’s hilarious and disturbing.

    A bungalow!

  18. breeks Says:

    i would actually marry charlie brooker if he asked me, and i don’t want to get married, really, and nor do i think my boyfriend would like it. but still.

    i totally would.

    vitriol is sexy.

    in other news, SH – twitter. i don’t get it. i’m trying.

    in australia a bap is a floury bun. just so you know. good with cheese.

  19. The World’s Most Enhanced Woman And Me | Celeb Gossip Says:

    […] more from the original source: The World’s Most Enhanced Woman And Me Tags: 2009-at-1242-pm, documentary, february, february-9, minka, napoleon, napoleon-says, opinion, […]

  20. ugeine Says:

    I’ve tried Twitter and it seems absolutely pointless. Even more so then Tony Adams.

  21. Napoleon Says:

    You don’t fuck with the Edmonds. He’s mentally unstable. Indeed, I unearthed a diary of his once that proves it …

  22. Mel Says:

    Breeks – vitriol is only sexy if you are not the butt of it.

    Wow, that Noel Edmunds thing. Good job he is not on the beeb anymore, as that would have seen him sacked. BUT< is the crux that “Joe” has a plot of land and they are trying to get planning permission to build a bungalow to better suit his new needs, or are they just trying to get the council to provide bungalows as part of a new development/ housing association provision? They do have an obligation to support living at home for disabled eople, but I am not sure if that stretches to building a bungalow…

  23. breeks Says:

    i hate noel edmunds.

    no real reason. he’s never touched me. i just hate his fass and his chinless goatee and his aura of self-satisfied whim.

  24. Nick of the T Says:

    Lola, she had the big boobies. What is wrong with getting a normal job and working for living? Why get stupid surgery just to get famous? Need their heads looking at.

    I spent the weekend reading The Word for the first time. Fantastic mag with great writers. How come no one told me about this?

    I’d like to see david Ike interviewed by Noel. That would be great television!

    Tweetdeck anyone?

  25. ugeine Says:

    Noel Edmonds is an arse.

  26. Nick of the T Says:

    Me and Ugeine – thread killers

  27. Mel Says:

    There is often a pause at this time of day while you lot go for lunch. Roszs’ll turn up soon.

    So, what is your favourite breast word?

  28. breeks Says:

    roszs is busy keeping the people of london undercover, i’m sure.

    i should be busy keeping the children of london safe.

    what should YOU be doing?

  29. Nick of the T Says:

    I’m a fan of the boobie Mel or Boobies for the plural.

  30. Mel Says:

    I am doing what I should be. I have a report and a planning strategy document to be writing, which I am doing too.

    I am quite productive, me.

  31. ugeine Says:

    Mel: Kazumbas.

  32. Nick of the T Says:

    I’m at home looking after a sick Mrs Nick.

    She’s tucked up listening to Archers pod-casts on my iPod.

    I’m where I’m supposed to be….

  33. breeks Says:

    titisfixiation – the result of over enthusiastic woobling into a large pair of boobs, resulting in restricted airways and, eventually, sexually exciting death.

  34. breeks Says:

    btw, mr breeks likes yabos (from ‘animal house’) and tits for its satisfying simplicity and tight consonant-al bracketing.

    and funbags, which no girl i know likes. i think it’s the ‘bag’ part.

  35. ugeine Says:


  36. Mel Says:

    I agree, i am not a fan of funbags. Nor Woobling (the activity, the word is marvelous)

  37. ugeine Says:


  38. Napoleon Says:

    Is woobling fixing one tit to either side of your face and then going ‘brrrrrrrrrrr’?

  39. breeks Says:

    woobling – the act of placing one’s face solidly in between two good-sized breasticles and rapidly shaking one’s head from side to side, whilst making a vague ‘brrrrrrrr’ or ‘whoarrrrrr’ sound.

  40. Mel Says:

    Yes, maybe a man can explain what is remotely attractive or sexually pleasing about woobling?

    As a lady, i can tell you it is a very unpleasant felling when someone does it to you (not that many have lived to tell the tale after such an attempt)

  41. roszs Says:

    Louis Theroux = correct, and I would have a go on him too.

  42. breeks Says:

    mel – it’s uncomfortably damp, no? and never funny, despite the happy face looking up at you afterwards.

    it endeth here.

  43. roszs Says:



    You aussies.

  44. Mel Says:

    But why so happy Breeks? I am certain that i never want to wooble a man’s cleavage, so what is so attractive?

    Hello Roszs, I’m afraid you’ll have to wait in line for a go on the lovely Louis. Good word though eh?

  45. breeks Says:

    what’s that grammatical wotsit when the word and the sound of the word describes the activity? or summat.

    i know what i mean. do you?

    like whoosh?

    or spew?

    i think. i might be horribly wrong. we don’t go to school in australia, too busy lighting fires and chasing crocs.

  46. breeks Says:

    mel – i am not sure what produces the titty-seratonin or whatever. i’d prefer not to think too deeply about it else i get into questions about whether they were breastfed and if their mother loved them enough.

  47. Mel Says:

    Onomatopoeia. Try spelling that without spell checker.

    I suspect that men who do that cannot have been shown motherly love in a healthy way at all.

  48. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – We just like tits. It’s genetic – like a woman’s love for shoes, ratbaggery, nagging, gossipping, shopping and turning off the taps once the ring’s on her finger.

  49. roszs Says:

    Bree: Onomatopeia (sp?)

  50. roszs Says:

    Aaah, Mel is right, look I dun missed out an o.

  51. breeks Says:

    i knew what it was. that was a spelling test.

    NC – you forgot getting fat and flappy.

  52. ugeine Says:

    There’s a name for that? I thought it was ‘gokking’ after the proprietor.

  53. Mel Says:

    Proprietor of what Ugeine? onomatopoeias or woobling?

  54. ugeine Says:

    Woobling, Gok Wan Tran is a chief exponent of said thing.

    I might not be making too much sense today.

  55. breeks Says:

    is it still woobling if a gay man does it, though?

    it might goobling.

  56. breeks Says:

    be. it might BE goobling.


  57. ugeine Says:

    Goobling it is then. Maybe he’s the chief exponent of goobling.

  58. Swineshead Says:

    Apparently even gay men love woobling. It’s in the bloodstream. Unavoidable.

  59. ugeine Says:

    I can think of better things to do with a pair of ample kazumbas…

  60. ugeine Says:

    Gah, sorry, that’s Gazumbas.

  61. ugeine Says:

    As in the popular phrase ‘holy moly, look at those gasumbas.’

  62. Nick of the T Says:

    Re Twitter, try Tweetdeck and it should all make sense.

    If you still don’t get it, Mrs Nick doesn’t get blogging “Who ARE these people?”, then perhaps it is not for you.

  63. breeks Says:

    nick – cheers. i fancy i shall have a brief flirtation with the technology and then pass it by, particularly as i don’t have a phone it works with.

    i am busy, yeah, too busy for faffing about online.

  64. Nick of the T Says:

    Many gay men I know love the boobs SH.

    Just shows their universal appeal.

    Many women too

    *points 😐 *

  65. Nick of the T Says:

    I have the tweetdeck on my comp Breeks….

  66. Mel Says:

    I have a few gay men that are absolutely obsessed with breasticles. I think you are onto something SH.

    Another thing that I need explaining is bogling, or whatever that silly wobbly-arse dance (that is so beloved by Beyonce) is called. What person thought *that* would be attractive? “look at me, i have a fat arse” I don’t geddit.

    Hope WP lets this through though, it is brilliant

    “look at me, i have no arse fat” I bet he still likes woobling though.

  67. Nick of the T Says:

    Although, not all “tweets” are useful

    “bakey cakey goodness time! Blueeeberyy muffins!” She’ll have to go…..

  68. breeks Says:

    why are they ‘tweets’ and not ‘twits’?

    mel – ? crunking? i’ve seen ANTP. they had it on there once. culture tv, that.

  69. Nick of the T Says:

    I made a proper smilie!

    It’s a “Gray” Roszs

  70. breeks Says:

    why are they ‘tweets’ and not ‘twits’?

    mel – ? crunking? i’ve seen ANTM. they had it on there once. culture tv, that.

  71. breeks Says:


    and stop telling me i’m posting too quickly. i will NOT slow down.

  72. Mel Says:

    Whatever it is called it looks silly, and I cannot see why it is a selling point in a lot of women. Eurgh.

    Again, if anyone cares to enlighten me, I would be grateful.

  73. roszs Says:

    Cos a twit is a noun and to tweet is a verb?

    I don’t get this twitter lark.

  74. breeks Says:

    when did the internet ever respect proper grammar?

    i don’t buy it.

  75. Nick of the T Says:

    Capital “I” Breeks…


  76. breeks Says:

    i don’t like using capitals unless i’m being a grown up.

  77. Napoleon Says:

    You know one of the things I miss most about having a dog? Blaming my farts on him.

  78. Mel Says:

    Roszs, following your logic (which is sound), shouldn’t that make them twitterings?

  79. Swineshead Says:

    Twitter’s not much use unless you’re trying to direct traffic somewhere, like a lollipop lady.

    I’m thinking of getting a dog, by the way.

  80. piqued Says:

    NC, get a large chocolate cake, you can blame that instead

    I’m having an awful day of having to work, I resent this situation

  81. roszs Says:

    SH: Are you?! I’ll walk him for you when you can’t be arsed (cos you are stoned).

  82. piqued Says:

    Speaking of dogs. My boss came in this morning with an 8 week old Labrador he’s just acquired; it’s heart-melting stuff.

  83. Mel Says:

    SH, get a good dog, not one of those rubbish ones that you have to bend down to stroke, and that mostly live in ladies’ handbags. The smaller they are the more attitude they have as well. Chihuahuas are aggressive little fuckers, for example

    I like German Shepherds, and they are certainly not as hard as their reputation. But they are bright breed of dogs, and don’t cope well if you leave them on their own to get bored.

    *Channels Barbara Woodhouse*

  84. Napoleon Says:

    Get y’self a mongrel. The buggers hardly ever get ill (barring his booster and check-ups, mine troubled the vet five times in fifteen years), and their general scruffiness and lack of social graces puts pedigree dog owners’ noses out of joint when he’s out in the park doing his business and sniffing their trumped-up, aristocratic arseholes.

  85. Mel Says:

    Yes a mongerel, but make sure it is not a crap tiny one though. If you get one with a bit of German Shepherd in him, then you will be doing him a huge favour. People don’t go for dogs from shelters that might have GSD or rotty in them, and they are most often the ones that are put down.

  86. Swineshead Says:

    The missus wants a westie. I want something that’s similarly small but at least a cross, because then I won’t have to fork out for brittle bone treatment and weak bowel surgery. As much.

    It’s up for discussion, but first we’ll have to see how this work-from-home lark pans out.

    I want a small, amusing dog. Not your glamourous pooches – something small and robust along the lines of a westie / french bulldog / jack russell cross type thing.

    Roszs – Have you forgotten that I spent a tenner in your name the other day? You’d best hurry up otherwise I’ll smoke your wares.

    (No – you can’t walk it, you’ll only try and suck its plums)

  87. Swineshead Says:

    If I’m working from home I won’t have to leave it unsupervised – that’s why the decision-making process has come about, Mel… rather than being bored to insanity it’ll be shouted at every 5 minutes by an irate Swineshead. I pity the poor sod.

  88. Napoleon Says:

    Jack Russells can be little bastards if you don’t train ’em right. How’s about a sausage dog? I can’t think of a more amusing dog than that. They actually look like sausages, but with a head and legs!

  89. Mel Says:

    Nah that phase quickly passes when they realise that you will not play with them all day. They quickly get content to lie around sighing and farting loudly.

    Just have the will power to resist when they come with their favourite toy and look up at you with those lovely brown eyes.

    Also, whatever you do, don’t get fooled into getting a Scottie instead of a Westie. They really are grumpy little bastards, and they bear grudges. I speak from experience on this point.

  90. Napoleon Says:

    That hacking, wrenching monstrosity that lives above me has a Rottweiller crossed with some fucking thing we can’t fathom. It’s got a lovely personality but, being the size of a small family car, knocks you flat on your arse the minute it catches site of you. Last week the bugger was coming down the stairs as I was coming through the front door, launched itself at me and barrelled me backwards down the front steps and flat on my back on the front path. If it wasn’t for the snow, I reckon I’d be dead now. And it licked my eyeball.

  91. Mel Says:

    That is a much better prospect than what it would have licked if you were a dog too NC!

  92. Napoleon Says:

    When I worked at a dog kennels – shifting shit for £1.20 an hour whilst Swineshead’s brother sat in a nice warm office answering phones, that rat bastard – there was a sausage dog in residence. I couldn’t go five minutes without picking it up, watching it legs waggle about, and then putting it down facing the opposite direction. You’d be amazed what comedy value you can get out of confusing those wee little fellas.

  93. Mel Says:

    But no good if SH lives in a flat. My outlaws have one, and they have to take it up and down in the lift, because stairs really do its back in.

  94. Napoleon Says:

    You could just hold it, couldn’t you? They’re not very heavy, after all. Indeed, if you wore a trench coat, you could slip it in an inside pocket with its head poking out.

  95. breeks Says:

    don’t get a terrier of any sort unless you’re prepared to give time and go mental and have a few acres. just don’t.

    get a miniature schnauzer or similar – they don’t shed, you can clip them amusingly, they’re slightly german and so extremely well behaved and are a trendy shade of grey.

    i come from the extremely unpopular poodle camp, i have to admit, being as they’re the brightest breed of dog and i say that without any irony or sarcasm whatsoever. it’s true. whoever contradicts me is WRONG and has a tiny dick.

    also i like lurchers but they’re not very living-in-a-flat-in-chiswick, as i am.

  96. Mel Says:

    Which is as bad as having a dog in a handbag. They have legs.

  97. Mel Says:

    I have a tiny dick, and don’t mind admitting it.
    Poodles are wrong, and the ones i have met are not so bright.

    Agreed on the terrier requiring work though.

  98. breeks Says:

    mel – you’ve met the wrong poodles. or, rather, the wrong owners. such it is with dogs and humans.

    SH – be careful. whatever dog you get – people will judge you and think you’re like it. you’ll be able to pick up kevin spacey in parks, though. there’s a positive.

  99. Napoleon Says:

    My missus keeps threatening to buy a beagle. I’ve said why don’t we just go the whole hog and get a springer spaniel at the same time? That way we need never have to worry about our fixtures and fittings being stolen in a burglary as the dogs will have destroyed absolutely everything we own.

    Anyway, it’s still too early for me to get another dog. My last one still looms large in my life. A gaping, dog-shaped hole where my boy used to be, wagging his tail and licking his parts. They don’t last long enough, don’t dogs.

  100. breeks Says:

    Do Not Get A Beagle.

    best dog i had was a lab/rottweiler cross named bear. biggest soppiest idiot that lived. i loved him. i think i still do.


  101. Mel Says:

    Breeks, all poodles are wrong.

    This may sound a bit stupid, but things like Greyhounds, lurchers, and even Great Danes are very good town dogs, because they were bred to sprint, and therefore are quite tired out by a short run twice a day. On this basis, spaniels and collies are very bad town dogs, because they are bred to run and run and run.

  102. breeks Says:

    it’s true. all my greyhound and lurcher and whippet pals are lazy sods.

    i do not like any kind of collie. they have enthusiastic tongues.

  103. Napoleon Says:

    Mine was a labrador / springer spaniel cross. Obsessed with food, mad as a box of frogs, and, fuck me, could he run in his prime. Never ran out of energy until arthritis and old age took its toll.

    And he could shit for Britain.

  104. roszs Says:

    Sh – soz dude, I thought you didn’t in the end, you ambiguous man of texting. I shall be in contact. Yes. And thank you.

  105. breeks Says:

    i have had A Lot of Dogs and A Lot of Cats and A Lot of Horses and A Lot of Birds in my lifetime.


    i didn’t kill all of them, although for a while there if you were a horse and i owned you things didn’t look so good.

  106. Napoleon Says:

    You should find and purchase this dog:

  107. roszs Says:

    Bree, I didn’t realised you’d had a lot of birds.


  108. Mel Says:

    Collies can also be quite neurotic, if they don’t get to run and run and run.

    I love how we have gone from talking about tits to dog breeds via Noel Edmunds today. It is why i keep come back.

  109. breeks Says:

    me? i should purchase the hund?


    tongue-age. excessively so.

  110. roszs Says:

    Mel, I read that as collies can also be quite erotic.

    And I thought, yes, I can see that.

  111. Mel Says:

    Ah yes Burmese Mountain dogs. They are proper dogs. Nice temperament too.

    It would appear, looking at my last comment that i have spent a bit too long learning about dog breeds, and not enough time reading what i have written to ensure that it scans. Bah

  112. breeks Says:

    roszs – but it’s common knowledge, you ❤ dogs, no? i mean, everyone knows. specially dogs.

  113. Mel Says:

    Roszs, only if you have nice legs, i fear!

  114. Napoleon Says:

    Some telesales bugger’s just rung me up asking if I want some mobile phone contract thingie. I told her I’m banned from owning a mobile phone for the rest of my life after I sent photos of my genitals to Prince Phillip. “Engorged“, I emphasised before she hung up on me.

  115. Mel Says:

    Haha, that is an excellent way of getting rid of the buggers.

    Perhaps you should have strung it out a bit, and enquired what breed of dog she would recommend.

  116. Napoleon Says:

    I always do it when one of these buggers rings me up, Mel. I once asked one fella if he could ring me back as the neighbour I was spying on through her bedroom window was down to her knickers, and it would soon be ‘jizzing time for Benny Bobbles’. He didn’t ring me back.

  117. Mel Says:

    Brilliant! Do you have a list of them, or do you make them up on the spot? The best i have managed is a no thanks before putting the phone down.

    Of course these days it is easier, because i just pretend not to speak Dutch. They usually switch to English, so I just pretend to be Swedish.

  118. breeks Says:

    they never call me.

    no one does.


  119. Napoleon Says:

    I make ’em up on the spot, Mel. I have a very fertile imagination – geared towards the sorts of activities that reap me absolutely financial rewards whatsoever.

    I reckon the government should pay you just to spend your life arsing about in a comical fashion, personally.

  120. Mel Says:

    Mm, but that would make you a civil servant, and by definition, dull, so would be self defeating, Nappers.

    What do you do to Chuggers when you come across them then?

  121. breeks Says:

    NC – these people pay for your opinion. imagine.

  122. Napoleon Says:

    Chuggers? Is that some sort of evil Cheggers?

  123. breeks Says:

    NC – these people pay for your opinion. imagine.

  124. Mel Says:

    Chuggers are Charity muggers – the ones that get in your way at train stations, and try and make you feel guilty about not being able to spare a minute for Cancer Research or whatever. If you do stop, they don’t let you go until you hand them over your direct debit details.

  125. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – Well bugger me. I signed up for that, and I’ve already earned a pound. For nowt!

    Mel – I hardly ever get approached by ’em because I look both demented and angry when out and about. If I am cornered, a ferocious shake of the head’s all that’s usually required. If they still don’t get the message, then it’s clobbering time.

  126. Mel Says:

    aha, the wild-eyed and snaggle-toothed defence. Good call sir!

  127. Napoleon Says:

    I always think it’s best to make other people think you’re psychotically deranged, Mel.

    I could eat eight pigs, I’m THAT hungry.

  128. breeks Says:

    suckling or sow?

  129. roszs Says:

    I just earned a pound on that link Bree! Only another £49 to go and they’ll send me a shiny cheque for £50.

  130. Clarry Says:

    Re cold calling – Another good one is to say ‘Hang on, i’ll get a pen’ and then put the receiver down on the side and leave it there until they’ve gone.

    Re dogs – I heart whippets. I looked after one once and spent approximately half the time trying to catch it as it had nicked off with summat valuable. But on the whole they are very sweet and waggy.

    Re Louis – agreed!

  131. breeks Says:

    i do know they send the cheques cause i know someone who’s received the cheques. i never committed to it for long enough. typically.

    also i’m really, really disenfranchised.

    on that note enjoy the loots of your you gov labours. i’m off to avoid excercising.

  132. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – I’m easy. As long as it used to be alive and doesn’t come under the wide umbrella of what I consider ‘foreign muck’, I’ll eat the bugger.

    Roszs – It’s good is that. One pound, just for filling in a …

    … oh, hold on. Does the Inland Revenue know about these payments? I only ask because I’m taking a bit of a tax holiday at the moment.

  133. breeks Says:



    slay me now.

  134. ugeine Says:

    My dog Harry is better then all your dogs.

  135. breeks Says:

    Ugeine – well, actually, you can’t really say that cause a lot of our dogs are DEAD (thanks for the reminder, heartless) and so we’ll never be able to compare and prove you wrong. wrong wrong wrong.

  136. ugeine Says:

    Breeks: It only counts alive dogs. The King of doggy heaven is my old dog King.

    When Harry passes over into the afterlife, King and Harry shall battle for the title of King of Dogs. It’ll be won buy King, as Harry’s a wuss.

  137. Napoleon Says:

    Yes, Ugeine, you heartless bastard. Twist the knife in, why don’t you? It’s bastards like you that collaborated with the Nazis in World War II.

  138. breeks Says:

    Geri Halliwell’s dog is called Harry.

    Are you her?

  139. Mel Says:

    Clarry – i hope you is all better now, but you are still gonna have to get in line. I saw Louis first, and claimed him as my very own.

    And never chase a dog that has nicked stuff, ignore it, because it is the attention that it wants. Combat this by calling it at random times to give it a fuss, so that it knows it doesn’t have to be naughty to play with you.

    My dog sometimes tries to make us chase him when we are out for a walk. My partner spends hours at this useless pursuit, cos you’ll never catch the bugger. I just walk in the other direction, because I am the alfa, and he will follow me. He always worries that i will do something more interesting without him, so always follows. This even worked when he had put a deer up. I thought he was going to hunt the damn thing to death, so i turned around and walked away. I shouted “see ya” across my shoulder as I went, and lo, he came running. Scariest 10 seconds of my life though, while he decided which way to go. Where i walk him is next to a motorway…

  140. ugeine Says:

    Breeks – I was hoping people wouldn’t find out. Please don’t pester me for autographs.

  141. breeks Says:

    Geri – you slurry, you’re marrying a rich Italian after only 2 months. I bet you haven’t even slept with him yet.

  142. Mel Says:

    And i wonder that your dog has such a sensible name after what you decided to gcall your daughter. Don’t worry, she will have changed it to Sarah by the time she gets to Senior school.

  143. Napoleon Says:

    Two months? I’m willing to bet my trousers she has.

  144. ugeine Says:

    Breeks: It’s completely to do with love and nothing to do with all the freshly made pasta sauce I now get for free.

  145. breeks Says:

    NC: I was being Ironic. Or Funny. Or Both. Or just slagging her off. The slag.

    Ugeine: yeah, right (can I get some?).

  146. ugeine Says:

    Mel: I wanted a good old fashioned Working Class English name, so Bluebell Madonna was the obvious choice.

  147. ugeine Says:

    My dog’s named after prince Harry, we got him from a shelter. There was three, William Harry and Charles. This sentence alone will be enough to reduce Napoleon to tears.

  148. Mel Says:

    Is Harry the ginger one then?

  149. Napoleon Says:

    Marvellous choice of names there, Ugeine. I love the Royal Family, and anyone who doesn’t should be made to drink soup made out of arseholes.

  150. Swineshead Says:

    Thanks for all the dog tips guys…

    *strokes newly purchased feral Doberman*

  151. Nick of the T Says:

    *is a cat person*

  152. ugeine Says:

    I just woobled my dog. didn’t work very well, but he seemed to enjoy it.

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