Masterchef: Johan Et Gregoire.mp3


John Torrode Gregg Wallace Masterchef

Today we offer a tribute to tweedledee and tweedledumpling, in the form of an mp3 that needs clicking, below.

I like chocolate.


97 Responses to “Masterchef: Johan Et Gregoire.mp3”

  1. Cross Says:

    Is there a download link for this masterpiece please?

  2. Nick T Says:

    Tres good, needs barking though etc ha ha …..

    I hate the way they put food in their dreadful mouths.

    I used to think his name was Jonty……

  3. Swineshead Says:

    Cross – there will be in the WWM digest (if I can get my arse into gear and put it together after staying up till 3.30am making the above) – so sign up on the front page…

    (See how we snare them??)

    Which one was Jonty in your addled brain, Nick? They both look like ‘Jonty’s, now you mention it.

  4. piqued Says:


    Btw, I’m noticing on Masterchef that when it’s down to the final 3, irrespective of how good they are at cooking, the ‘pretty girl’ always wins.

    At first I thought it was the way the cookie crumbled to employ a cooking metaphor but now I’m not so sure.

    I reckon Wallace and Gromit are having an extra fucking course, yes, INTERCOURSES

  5. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    OR..women tend to better at cooking then men.

  6. piqued Says:

    DINLT, come on mate, that’s racist

  7. Swineshead Says:

    Belinda didn’t win – blonde Aussie woman – and they clearly wanted a pop on her prawn.

    The last quarter final winner was a bearded man.

    I put it to you that you are WRONG.

    In other news, I think even John & Gregg are confused as to how the structure of the competition works. Does anyone understand it? If so, can they explain?

  8. Nick T Says:

    John T Rhodes, I thought his mane was Jonty as in Jonty Bloom the Cash in the Attic “expert”.

  9. piqued Says:

    I’ll admit, they’re subtle, they bung in the odd bearded joker, dismiss the occasion Belinda, to keep the numbers up, avoid suspicion, but I know their game.

    Lets look at Wallace’s head, the shape of his skull. It’s been contorted with thoughts of lust and how to sate his desire by devious means. He’s a wicked, wicked man.

  10. roszs Says:

    There was lurvely food last night.

    I can’t click on that link, I am at work, so I am imagining that it is a link to Stutter, the early-nineties Elastica masterpiece. Ooooh, what a good song.

    Has anyone seen a documentary called the Story of the Weeping Camel?

  11. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    It’s also very subjective. How do I know their combinations are confused? To my taste it might be a rich cacophony of flavour. I put it to you, that all the results so far should be null and void, until a full proof scientific methodology is put into place. We should also vote for the winner!

  12. roszs Says:

    I like Weebleman better than Jonty, with his insatiable appetite for puddings.

  13. roszs Says:

    DINLT – Yes! And also sometimes they go “we want PUNCHY flavours”, yet last night the blonde woman was told that her raspberry sauce was tooooo punchy.

  14. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    It’s a scandal!

  15. Mel Says:

    Yes, i have noticed 2 things about the winner. Whenever John and Greg disagree, it is always John’s choice that go through.

    The second thing is that in this series, they hover the camera over the winner before they go for a longer shot when the winner is announced.

    I hope i haven’t spoiled it for you.

    I am in a very dull meeting today, and am thanking the gods of wifi for allowing me this interaction. It may be mercifully brief for you, as i am sitting next to my boss.

  16. Swineshead Says:

    I find the best tactic in that situation, Mel, is to squeeze your bosses thigh, regardless of any cultural, age-based, gender or corporate taboo you might break in the process.

  17. Mel Says:

    DINLT – food is subjective, please stop trying to democratise it. I like things like nasturtiums and rocket, but i wouldn’t dream of forcing them down Nappers’ throat, for example. Food democracy would just all leave us with mash and blandness, and then you might as well all be living in Holland.

  18. Swineshead Says:

    Squeezed his/her leg yet, Mel?

  19. roszs Says:

    Mel – my gf pointed out EXACTLY the same thing about the camera shot the other day, its really stupid isn’t it.

    And yes, John always gets who he wants. Poor weebleman.

  20. piqued Says:

    The post ‘and the winner is’ music is annoying too, all jangly and emotive. Errr.

    If I had my way they’d play A Dying God Coming Into Human Flesh by Celtic Frost. Wallace would leap onto the winner, sink his teeth into their neck and Toad would do a wank on his bald head

  21. Mel Says:

    Poor Greg. I used to fancy him a bit when he was on Saturday kitchen, back when it was good. I was also a bit desperate back then.

    SH: I am trying to move around the corner, so i can type. Legs are a bit too far to reach from here

  22. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Mel, we cannot allow the decisions to be made by a totalitarian ruling elite whose prognostications we cannot verify. They are unaccountable for their actions. According to piqued ,there are suspicions of under the counter currying of favours for advancement. It’s just not right.

  23. Mel Says:

    That is as maybe, DINLT, but i think voting on food would leave us all with slop.

  24. Swineshead Says:

    The worst ‘euphoria’ music they use on Masterchef is the one that goes:

    ‘ Checkin’ me out. Makin’ me glooooo-rious’.

    You know that tune?


    Do you?


  25. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    I actually quite like that song…it’s Swedish.

  26. Mel Says:

    There is a music selector on that show though who has clearly spent many years gurning in a field somewhere. There is often some quite hard techno and D&B, especially in the kitchen bits though. I quite like that

  27. Swineshead Says:

    DINLT – I might have to ban you for that.

  28. Napoleon Says:

    Sometimes you just stumble upon gold.

  29. piqued Says:

    I don’t think the music is necessary. I mean what’s the point? It’s as pointless as overdubbing the clatter of food preparation with the sounds of a building site, which could even include Wallace shouting ‘awight darlin’, eh, she won’t draaan will she lads.. er-aha-ha, wallop’

    Actually they should definitely do that.

  30. Swineshead Says:

    You’ve made my day with that, Nappers. Glorious.

  31. Swineshead Says:


    For my cousin’s upcoming engagement party do I hire Randy Moova or Lionel Vinyl?

  32. Napoleon Says:

    I like the fact that one of his personality DJs is ‘the infamous Johnny Inferno’.

  33. Napoleon Says:

    Personally I’d plump for Randy Moova. Just look at the conga that naturally begins to form whenever he’s in the room.

  34. Swineshead Says:

    Before you mock, just check out the client testimonial from Centre Parcs (before it burned down, obviously)

  35. Swineshead Says:


    From this page:

    Pete (PDJ) does discos for kids, weddings and birthdays, from ages 1 to 93, and at any venue varying from garden centres to prisons. He regularly does discos for the disabled and ‘sing alongs’ in residential homes.

    What’s wrong with 94 year olds?

  36. Napoleon Says:

    I think the ringing endorsement from Legends nightclub speaks volumes.

    He does discos in prisons?

  37. Swineshead Says:

    They get a life of luxury these days, in prison.

    Conjugal visits, birthday cakes every day of the week, games consoles, emails, umbrellas, porn comics. They get all a man could ever wish for.

  38. Napoleon Says:

    That’s outrageous! What you’ve described sounds like a bloody holiday camp!

  39. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    You couldn’t make it up!

  40. The Spaghetti Says:

    Now do you see why I’ll be banning umbrellas??? Do you see?????

    Someone’s probably pointed this out before, but is the judge-type fella (as in tv judge, not magistrate) wearing Dr Neil Fox’s* skin, Hannibal Lecter-stylee?? He bears a strange likeness.

    *neither a doctor, nor a fox

  41. Who Says:

    Is that for real? Surely not. It would seem that I have to sleep with any/all of them.

  42. Nick T Says:

    and cook em breakfast Who…

  43. Clarry Says:

    “Yes, i have noticed 2 things about the winner. Whenever John and Greg disagree, it is always John’s choice that go through. ”

    I’ve noticed this, and I always like to imagine that one day it will cut to them about to announce the winner and John’s hair will be all messed up and his shirt ripped and Greg’s glasses will be on wonky. And for once, just once, Greg’s choice will go through.

    How do I attach an image onto this ‘ere site SH? (i.e. one that isn’t on a website already)

  44. Swineshead Says:

    You can’t, sadly. Soz Clarry.
    Upload it at or somewhere like that…

  45. Nick T Says:

    I print them and pin them to the monitor Clarry..

  46. breeks Says:

    please note that of course everything you see on any episode of masterchef is EXACTLY like how what it happened, yeah. like, exactly.

    i know.

    also, john’s twattier than gregg even tho’ gregg holds his cutlery like a pre-bipedal infant and is fatter. and has two g’s at the end of his name. and has a head like a half-melted snowball.


  47. piqued Says:

    I don’t usually bother, Clarry

  48. Clarry Says:

    Hmmm, i’m not very good at this sort of thing so let’s see if this works.

    Go and see this picture from last night’s masterchef.

    He was pulling that face as he was plating up the dinner. I think he might’ve been burning his hands off but grit his teeth through the pain rather than drop his soup and fail. That’s commitment for you!

  49. Clarry Says:

    Managed it myself, before I saw your helpful hint SH, although I rather like Nick’s idea.

  50. Clarry Says:

    Hmm it lookes a bit funnier as a clip not a still.


  51. Nick T Says:

    I want to go to this

  52. Swineshead Says:

    I liked that pic, Clarry. He made that grimace again later when he messed up his presentation on the pea puree – the idiot.

    Q: Who messes up the presentation of a pea puree?

    A: An idiot.

  53. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    pea puree is foodie talk for mushy peas?

  54. piqued Says:

    ‘pea puree’


  55. breeks Says:

    foodie – a term used to describe someone who likes to fiddle with food, probably in a slightly sexualised way, and who spends too much on cured meats, sun-dried crockery and cheeses. and pointlessly organic shopping bags.

  56. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    piqued is our resident foodie.

  57. Nick T Says:

    “red wine reduction” always make me smile…..

  58. breeks Says:

    nick – or ‘jus’. or anything with celeriac.

    piqued is very good at writing about his yum cooking. i’ve yet to taste it.

  59. Mel Says:

    Yes, perhaps piqued should cook for all us, then we would all be able to judge – but not vote, as we have discussed previously, that way lies slop.

  60. breeks Says:

    although be interesting to vote. who be john and who be gregggggg?

  61. Nick T Says:

    I did have celeriac mash on sunday but then I am a vegetarian…

    It was loverly
    With you on the “jus” jizz? or just simply GRAVEY!!

  62. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Found this…

    Last Thursday’s semi-final was brilliant.

    Gregg was in raptures over one of the ‘queen of puddings”s puddings, making his anticipation-laden sex-noises … and then he told said ‘queen of puddings’ to “get [her] head down and get on with the job”…

  63. Mel Says:

    Where did you find that DINLT?

    You would have been thrown out of university for plagiarism, for not citing your sources!

  64. roszs Says:

    I think Breeks beats piqued (oooh rhyme) to resident foodie as she has actually been on Masterchef twice times.

    I sort of fancy John Torode, he has eyes like a stormy sea at midnight…

  65. Swineshead Says:

    The term ‘foodie’ makes me angry.

    That is all.

    Are those who’ve not met her amongst us aware that Breekom was once a contestant on masterchefs?

    Or is that a secret?

  66. Swineshead Says:

    Roszs – jinx

  67. roszs Says:

    Bree did brill in the restaurant round too, she was ROBBED ROBBED I TELL YE

  68. roszs Says:

    That’s another thing as well – the restaurant round makes knack-all difference to who wins, often the person who is worst in the restuarant wins.

  69. roszs Says:

    Liam: Will you say my name so that I may speak again, please?

  70. roszs Says:

    I mean Swineshead…


  71. Nick T Says:

    I take it she (Breeks) did not sucrumb (geddit) to the bald ones charms, therefore scupering her chances of a final cook off?

  72. piqued Says:

    Like Breeks I don’t like the word ‘Foodie’

    You don’t call a fucking wino ‘a Drinkie’ do you?


    It’s as daft as labelling a person Pissy, Shitty or Wanky, as it’s something we all have to do and largely enjoy

  73. roszs Says:


  74. roszs Says:

    (foodie foodie foodie)

  75. piqued Says:

    I agree btw, Breeks beats me (ooh er) to the resident food-expert post

  76. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Here you go Mel,

    Looking at the application form for Masterchef, you cannot apply if you have been convicted of a criminal offence. It’s just so unfair!

  77. breeks Says:

    i didn’t succumb to gregg’s charms tho’ his greatly outweighed the torode’s.

    i promised i would, though. made no difference.

    also, they labelled me ‘australian bree, care worker’. that was bad.

  78. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    I get called a sexy …… a lot!

  79. piqued Says:

    *watches tumbleweed blow past*

    Right, I’m off for a bloody big plop

  80. Clarry Says:

    Woz ewe really on Masterchef? That is aMAYzing.

    I know what you look like now… (that sounds a bit stalky, sorry!)

  81. Clarry Says:

    No, come back Piqued! (wipe your bum first)

    All alone in the office and bored/working.

  82. Nick T Says:

    Made you sound like an exotic cheese….

    Clarry, I showed the mem the Naked In London doc over the weekend. My voice is clearly recognisable on an answerpho0ne message in it (innit?)
    That was my only appearance…

  83. breeks Says:

    clarry – there’ve been several hundred masterchef contestants you know. i have been them ALL.

    all of them.

  84. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    I have been in a film…yes a real film, with real actors..very famous ones too…I was an extra!

  85. piqued Says:

    Me too DINLT

    I also ‘starred’ in the opening credits of that fucking awful Hotel Baylon hosted by Dani Behrrrr

    (I rode motorcycle about a bit)

  86. Clarry Says:

    Breeks – Several hundred contestants or not, you’re still special to us here at WWM. Well, me anyway…

    Nick – phew!

  87. Nick T Says:

    My whole voice Clarry…..imagine that!

  88. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    So come on Breeks ..tell us your menu….

  89. Clarry Says:

    That is MEGA Nick.

    So, let’s just get this straight, in our midst we have an Australian care worker who has been on Masterchef (twice), a man whose *actual* voice has appeared (via the medium of answerphone) on a documentary about naked people and a man who has ridden a motorcycle about a bit in the credits for Hotel Babylon.


    *is a bit star struck*

  90. Nick T Says:

    I may need an agent…..

  91. Breeks Says:

    I’m not a care worker, yeah?

  92. Napoleon Says:

    Every single person I knew at university played an extra in the opening battle of the film ‘Gladiator’. Annoyingly, I’d already gone when the casting folk came calling. I could have been a Roman soldier, me.

  93. Clarry Says:

    Breeks – What are you then and why did they get it wrong? I was only repeating what you said earlier. Honest guv!

  94. Clarry Says:


  95. Nick T Says:

    *taps fingers on desk*

    Oh do come on.

    I have just been reading The Noel Edmunds Diary, now I must work..

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