The Friday Question: Quiz Easy

by

University Challenge

It’s a simple question this week.

We want to know which gameshow you watch regularly, in the certain knowledge that you could conquer the entire thing, round after ridiculously easy round.

Do you sit and score yourself whilst watching University Challenge, smug in the knowledge that you’d beat the hapless dons hands down?

Do you watch Mastermind and clench your fists when the participants miss a sitter?

Can you get EVERY Catchphrase, sitting half-drunk in your bedsit, watching Challenge TV on the cable connection you nicked from next door?

Which quiz show could you easily conquer?

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338 Responses to “The Friday Question: Quiz Easy”

  1. Office Pest Says:

    Miwionaire, Chris. Final answer. (Most contestants seem happy with 8 grand these days so it never gets too hard). The other one is that lottery quiz show that Dale does, where you can put money in and not win it, and equally others can swan in and pinch the lot.

  2. Excelsior! Says:

    Though i watch it, i’d face nothing but Paxman’s terrifying incredulity on University Challange, which is frankly nothing like the challanges i faced at university (Your starter for ten, nail that pint of mixed booze…)

    Am i the only one who spent years thinking said quiz featured a double tier desk system?

  3. danlett Says:

    This side of the pacific, I watch Jeopardy whenever I want to offer a mild-medium cognitive challenge to my 18 month old daughter. Even the concept of “dumbed down” is beyond the witless grasp of the imbeciles who go on this show. “What’s the point” is the most appropriate answer to most of the non-questions. On the plus side, whenever there’s a question I can’t answer, I can put it down to the show being too America-centric for my discerning British noggin.

  4. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Starter for 10..should Geert Wilders have been allowed into the country or not?

  5. b'ree Says:

    sale of the century, for sure.

    http://members.iinet.net.au/~powney/gameshow/sotc.htm

    oh yes.

    (morning)

  6. roszs Says:

    I am far far too thick to go on University Challenge, but always watch it, as the one question in 20 I do get right gives me more satisfaction than I got from walking up to receive my actual degree at graduation.

    My walk through quiz? Catchphrase fo sho.

  7. roszs Says:

    Loving your photoshop skillz SH, just noticed the picture!

  8. Mel Says:

    Ah this is easy, as long as I am allowed to have a quiz show that dooesn’t run any more.

    15-to-1

    I was winning at that when i was 15.

  9. Swineshead Says:

    Napoleon did the picture – not me. Credit where it’s due.

  10. roszs Says:

    Loving your photoshop skillz NC, just noticed the picture!

  11. roszs Says:

    Did anyone watch that programme last night about the storm chaser from Leicestershire? It was brilliant.

  12. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Those quiz questions that you ring up, I always know the answer too. I must be very clever.

  13. Mel Says:

    When i was at school i always thought that our school should go on We Are the Champions, , but not because i thought we would win. I would not ahve wished to take part either, but i wanted simple confirmation of the fact that my school was crap.

    I think i would have cleaned up at Blockbusters as well.

  14. Mr H Says:

    The one with the ginger bird dressed in leather who whips the contestants whenever they get an answer wrong. I assume this is why so many people who go on the show fail to answer the blindingly obvious questions.

    Oh, and yes, Geert Wilders should have been allowed into the country.

    I’m spending the day contemplating Beyonces ass. It’s only right.

  15. Mel Says:

    Mr H, was that a game show you made up in your head?

    Re Geert Wilders, the Dutch are all up in arms about this. They cannot stand him as a whole, but they are incensed that we Brits have dared to disrupt his freedom of Speech.

    I have no opinion on the matter

  16. Rodti Says:

    I think at 32 years old I’d be perfectly equipped to take on Knightmare, as I’d kick the cuunt clean off of Tregard, the child contestants or any other fucker who stood between me and victory.

  17. b'ree Says:

    i saw goldenballs the other day, whilst visiting a friend in hospital. wtf?

    also i know someone who auditioned for eggheads.

  18. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    I am still researching this satellite collision and have found….
    Most TV and weather satellites sit about 20,000 miles above the Earth in geo-stationary orbit. But the flight-paths of satellites and other spacecraft in low Earth orbits between 200 and 500 miles up are vastly more crowded.

    Sky users should be OK!

  19. Clarry Says:

    Excelsior! – Yes i’m ashamed to say that I did too, a thought cruelly dashed by my mother after THAT episode of the Young Ones. It would be better that way, wouldn’t it?

    It is Friday 13th today and so far I have nearly died twice:

    a) Hairdryer exploded into shower of sparks (whilst drying my hair) and the cable melted off.

    b) Skidded wildy on black ice and had a v near miss.

    On a more positive note, I got my digest at long last SH. Huzzah!

  20. Clarry Says:

    Actually, the two-tiered system wouldn’t be so good if the team pictured above were on the bottom row – they’d be too busy looking up ladies’ skirts to answer the questions.

    DINLT – Phew!

  21. Mel Says:

    What this question needs is for Roszs to get a little tipsy, and start yelling advice on how to succeed on the game show of our choice – like she did at that dinner party that time.

    Roszs, would you like a vodka?

  22. Swineshead Says:

    For my part, the quiz show I am convinced the participants cheat in is The Book Quiz on BBC4. Nobody knows that much about books. They are all cheats and Kirsty Wark is an indulgent teacher, letting the cheats do their cheating.

  23. Napoleon Says:

    Ooooooooo … I’ve a sore ‘ead this morning. I went out drinking by accident yesterday, and I’ve woken up too early.

    I’d win at Every Second Counts, Busman’s Holiday and Winner Takes All.

  24. Clarry Says:

    I’m good at Eggheads, The Weaker Slink and Countdown – but i’m easily distracted and forget to listen to the questions, and then don’t hear the next question as i’m too busy asking Mr Clarry what the question was.

    What about my terrifying encounters?

    Oh and the ingredients test on Masterchefs is pimpsy.

  25. Napoleon Says:

    University Challenge makes me feel stupid.

  26. Swineshead Says:

    It’s not always easy, that ingredients test.
    It was last night, mind you.

    I’ve got some of these Onion Bhaji crisps. I’m about to try them.

  27. Napoleon Says:

    Onion bhaji crisps? Who makes them?

  28. roszs Says:

    My friend Gary once won Weakest Link, but he won it with the least amount of money anyone has ever won on it cos the team were so shit.

  29. Excelsior! Says:

    I miss those late night ITV quizzes, the ones where the dregs of society rang up, clearly baked of their tits, to leer down the phone at that Debbie King bird.

    I supped the best part of a bottle of vodka last night and now its lurking in my stomach like some malevolent entity.

  30. Napoleon Says:

    A lad from my old school’s brother once won Weakest Link. I was rooting for the other fella.

  31. Mel Says:

    I can never go on the weakest link, because i harbour a festering grudge for Anne Robinson, on account of her having shouted at me a lot when i was younger – i think about 16, the bullying old bitch.

  32. roszs Says:

    Why did she shout at you Mel? You are not Welsh.

  33. Napoleon Says:

    What was that late night ITV quiz called that was presented by a long haired fella with glasses? It was about rock music, if memory serves.

  34. Nick T Says:

    Eggheads is very easy, Mastermind general knowlede too.
    I generally get at least 5 right on Universaly Challenged (I can do that too Clarry) which insenses the Memsaab (she has 2 degrees and I have 1 o level!) as she can normally get about 1.
    “How the hell do you know that?” she blasts
    “I have no idea” is my reply

  35. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    I would walk the weakest link…but my fellow contestants would vote me off…bastards. If i did make it to the final 2 and the other contestant kept banking on the minimum amount..you know ..one question right …BANK…I would have a go at them and say ” Stop fffing banking you tosser”.

  36. Nick T Says:

    I believe he was the editor of Keraaaaang Naps and it was shit.

  37. Swineshead Says:

    Onion Bhaji crisps – Walkers.

    They’re rubbish. You’re better off buying a couple of onion bhajis.

  38. Nick T Says:

    And sticking crisps in them SW?

  39. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Oh yeah…also Mastermind is a piece of piss these days with specialist subjects like vicar of dibley. I ask you, how can this be a proper category?
    That bloke who won some years ago on the history of the champions league final, I got most of them correct with no preparation at all.
    Standards have fallen.

    Oh btw, Dumb Britain in Private Eye always makes me laugh.

  40. Mel Says:

    Roszs, this was back in the day when i worked at Comet, and she came in to buy a vacuum cleaner and shouted at me for almost 20 minutes when i asked for her address, because we needed it for the manufacturer’s guarantee, and she thought i was trying to sell her an extended warranty.

    This was back when she did Watchdog. She actually said to me “How do i know you will not abuse this address?” I really wanted to yell “look love, you are not that bloody famous, I don’t give a shit who you are or where you live” but i needed the beer tokens more than i needed the satisfaction, so i just mumbled something about it being policy, and i would gladly give her the head office phone number.

    I still hate her for her arrogance, and would have to take my now very sarcastic revenge in front of a studio audience.

  41. Excelsior! Says:

    I saw a packet of Farmhouse Cheddar and Red Onion crisps the other day.

    If anyones seen a more pretentious way of writing cheese and onion i’ll send them a fiver*

    *I will not send you a fiver

  42. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Was it Mel who dealt with Baldrick in Homebase as well?

  43. Clarry Says:

    I can normally answer about 10 questions per episode on UC (sometimes a couple more), but i’m fucked with the physics and classical music ones (a bit like they are at popular culture).

    Did you see the sad faces of the Lincoln College, Oxford team that got dicked last week by Manchester 30 to 330? I bet they went home and flagellated themselves.

  44. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve had my fair share of celebrity encounters too, Mel. I once told Vic Reeves to get out of my way, for instance.

    I also told Richard O’Brien to get out of my way.

  45. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Napoleons question about man’s crisps sometime ago….I would suggest Phileas Foggs would be acceptable. Can’t remember if somebody mentioned those before. Just realised I spend far too much time on this website. Good grief no wonder we are in the biggest economic downturn in history.

  46. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Question of Sport’s gone downhill as well.

  47. Napoleon Says:

    DINLT – I’ve turned my back on Phileas Fogg and his crisps. He’s stopped making his original tortilla chips, the around the world in 80 days lousy bastard.

  48. Mel Says:

    DINLT, yes it was also me that dealt with Tony Robinson, but that was also in Comet. I worked there every Saturday for years. Until I left uni and got a proper job.

  49. Napoleon Says:

    I also knocked Willie Rushton off the pavement in Edinburgh. They call me the name dropper.

  50. Mel Says:

    NC, i bet neither of them bullied you publicly, and made people stare for a long time though did they?

    That is why Anne Robinson is a bullying bitch.

    Being asked to get out of the way lasts mere seconds.

  51. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    i am actually trying to devise a quiz show format*. Have been thinking about it for about 3 years now. Not as easy as it sounds. Has anybody got some bright ideas?

    * New and original that will go global.

  52. Clarry Says:

    I’m not very good at working with the general public and I would’ve definitely shouted at Anne Robinson Mel. In my first job as a checkout assistant a lady asked me to stop scanning more things through as she hadn’t finished packing and her shopping (all cakes and butter and lard) was getting muddled up with the next person’s. For some reason I was overcome with rage and said ‘For god’s sake, can’t you tell your fat, lardy shopping from anyone else’s.’ Needless to say I didn’t win employee of the month.

  53. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Mel was a sort of a celebrity shop assistant in her own right.

  54. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – No they didn’t bully me. Vic Reeves tried pushing in front of me at a bar, and Richard O’Brien and one of those autograph people were blocking an exit I wanted to use. Rushton was an accident – I was too busy admiring Scotch architecture to notice him coming towards me.

    I also shouted at that bozz-eyed fucker what plays the rancor monster keeper in Return of the Jedi once. I know ’em all me.

  55. Mel Says:

    Brilliant Clarry. I was quite shy when i was younger though. These days i have far more balls. I wouldn’t let her bully anyone else if i were to witness it in a shop again ever. She wouldn’t get a second chance on it, let me tell you.

    I had a lot more attitude as a barmaid, but then i had 3 things most of the punters wanted.

  56. Napoleon Says:

    DINLT – How’s about a gameshow where you throw koala bears into a tree shredder for money?

  57. Mel Says:

    DINLT – i was indeed shop assistant to the stars. I was like the cab driver of comet workers

    “ere, you’ll never guess who i had in to buy a telly the other day”

  58. Excelsior! Says:

    DINLT – why dont you just remove the questions from the quiz format and have people just open boxes instead, thereby rendering it the most pointless and boring exercise known to man.

    You could have it fronted by a short, bearded and rather creepy ex dj…

  59. Napoleon Says:

    Talking of celebrities in shops, I once saw John Shrapnel browsing for books in a book shop in Farnborough.

    What do you mean ‘Who’s John Shrapnel’?

  60. Swineshead Says:

    DINLT – You’ve been working on it 3 years and you’re still on the ‘ideas’ stage?

  61. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    When I was a student I worked in a bar. Though not much of a raconteur or mein host with the punters, I was popular because if you brought your almot finished pint glass and said “just a half in there” , you usually got a good measure back. Mind you if you had annoyed me, I would give you a half in a half pint glass.

  62. Napoleon Says:

    “…a short, bearded and rather creepy ex dj…”

    Do you mean this fella?

    http://thesecretdiaryofnoeledmonds.moonfruit.com/#

  63. Clarry Says:

    As a barmaid I was quite awful too. When the bar was heaving one night, a bloke ordered a load of drinks and then went off without paying. I got someone to call him back and said ‘You’ve forgotten these two bottles of beer’. He came back to claim the bottles clearly thinking he’d got one over on me, but little did he know i’d placed my thumbs over the tops of the bottles and shaken them vigorously. He didn’t look quite so amused when he got a beer shower on receipt of them.

    I’m dealing with my rages far better these days Mel.

    I’ve gone the opposite. I was a right bolshy miss when I were little, and have become increasingly shy and suspicious of people.

    I’ll be living with Noel in the en-suite soon.

  64. Mr H Says:

    Mel – it’s a real show. You know, the ginger woman, dresses in leather on a podium, the victims are in a semi-circle facing her. She dominatrix, they victims, they have Z list celebrity versions from time to time.

  65. HOOPS McCANN Says:

    Anyone see who killed Scarlet last night?

  66. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Well my intial idea, actually, even after several refinements is a bit complicated. It would take a long time to explain how it works.

  67. Swineshead Says:

    I’m having to see this Little Boots character tonight.

    Just sampling her on Spotify and she sounds like something horrible from the 80s and I can’t work out what.

    In fact – it sounds like something rubbish by DJ Sammy or someone like that.

  68. Swineshead Says:

    Hoops – Nope. What was it?

  69. Napoleon Says:

    When I worked behind a bar two women came in and asked for a bottle of wine. I pushed the corkscrew too far into the bottle and there was all little bits of cork floating in their glasses. I turned my back on them and fished out the bits with my fingers. Fingers, I might add, that I’d recently used to clear great big bogies out of my nose.

  70. Excelsior! Says:

    Thanks Naps thats cheered the hangover gloom right up

  71. Mel Says:

    Mr H, i don’t get a lot of British TV. This one sounds like it is one of the sordid imaginings that appear on here from time to time

    Of course, it could also be on Channel 5 i guess.

  72. HOOPS McCANN Says:

    Was about the 15 year old who was murdered in Goa

  73. roszs Says:

    SH – I quite like her. Where you going to see her?

  74. Mr H Says:

    Perry – was Shrapnel the bloke in Midsomer Murders?

  75. Napoleon Says:

    I hate live music. It’s too bloody noisy and you’re surrounded by twats.

  76. Mr H Says:

    Aha! Google finally found it – http://www.bbc.co.uk/weakestlink/welcome.shtml

  77. Swineshead Says:

    Sounds a bit morbid, Hoops.

    I’m all for watching docs about happy-go-lucky madmen like Jeff the Dahmer, but your Scarlett-murder show sounds a little bit gloomy.

    Roszs – Sheps Bush, NME show, free tickets from the lady’s workplace.

    I’ve turned her stupid music off now and put on some Kraftwerk. Good German pop. It’s fun, fun, fun on the Autobahn.

  78. Napoleon Says:

    Mr H – He’s this fella:

    Likes his books, apparently.

  79. Swineshead Says:

    Nappers – my take on it exactly. At least I won’t have to queue for the bar in these days of Swineshead Teetotalism. I’ll just smuggle a can of pop in and have a sneaky jazz fag before I go in.

  80. Who Says:

    Can we have a crisps update SH

    Being a woman I was of course instantly snared by the Chilli & Chocolate flavour. They didn’t taste of chocolate at all so I went out done some murders.

  81. Mel Says:

    SH, better to stay home and listen to your hifi…

  82. Napoleon Says:

    ‘Swineshead Teetotalism’ sounds like a challenge to me. I must get on to the National Express and get down to that there London …

  83. Clarry Says:

    Any other readers had a Friday 13th near miss?

    I’m not sure if I conveyed quite how near my miss was.

  84. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve not seen any of these fancy new flavoured crisps you lot are on about. Are they a London thing?

    Seabrooks haved stopped making Bacon & Brown Sauce flavour, the bastards.

  85. Mel Says:

    I nearly missed having some lunch that was nice today. INstead i got fucking hippy muck.

  86. Nick T Says:

    You’d have loved the night I organised last night Naps. No mics, amps or PA in a proper pub with proper beer.

  87. Mr H Says:

    Perry – yup, same one. That Billy Zane’s a bit rubbish, though. At acting. I’m assuming he’s good at something what with the array of totty he’s always schtuping.

  88. Napoleon Says:

    It’s my missus’s mother’s birthday today. I asked her if she’s going to give her a ring and she replied,

    “She never rings me, so why should I make the fucking effort?”

    I love that special bond between mother and daughter.

  89. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – I wouldn’t have loved it if there was some wally up on a stage playing fucking acoustic geetar while I’m trying to have a pint in peace. If I want to listen to music (which I don’t, not never), I’ll shove a pound in the jukebox, thanks very much.

    I walk out if someone picks up a geetar. Can’t stand it.

  90. Clarry Says:

    NC – That’s quite a girl thing, that. I regularly set ‘tests’ for people – they don’t know that they are being tested and if they fail they shall be punished. Even i’d draw the line at my mother though.

  91. Excelsior! Says:

    was someone gonna do a review of the new skins? or is that something ive made up in my head

    Only i liked the original, but only managed to sit through 2 mins of the new one before the nauseating twunts drove me away.

    Anyhoo if anyones watched it, was wondering if its got less shit.

  92. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – It’s your dads you women like, isn’t it? As long as they’re not the sort of dads that come into your room with a series of special requests, obviously.

    My dad was a fucking arsehole.

  93. roszs Says:

    Excelsior – that is normally my job, but I’m afraid I’ve had the same reaction. Managed 10 minutes of the first episode.

  94. piqued Says:

    http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2233878.ece

    Is this legal?

  95. roszs Says:

    NC – my dad once shut the front door on my sister with the words “she’s not in”. When he was questioned on this behaviour he answered “they all look the same, her and her friends”. A special relationship indeed.

  96. Excelsior! Says:

    Maybe we’re no longer the yoof demographic that its aimed at

  97. roszs Says:

    piqued – christ on a bike… dunno if its illegal if they’re both under the age of consent though?

  98. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Unbelievable. That little pissflap needs his hide tanning, I reckon.

  99. piqued Says:

    What the fuck were the parents fucking thinking!?

    That’s the sort of thing one expects from the French

  100. Swineshead Says:

    I thought I already said the bhaji ones are bollocks? Dirty.

    I shan’t be drinking this time round, Nappers – I’ve managed to rid myself of the boozing jealousy that you saw last time.

  101. Swineshead Says:

    Roszs – you should write a book of Dad anecdotes, you’ve got some classics.

  102. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – Yes you will because I’m a bad influence.

    I also haven’t forgotten Piqued’s foolish offer of accomodation, by the way.

  103. piqued Says:

    *whistles tune*

    Pardon?

  104. Napoleon Says:

    It’ll take him a week to shift the smell of my farts.

  105. Mr H Says:

    piqued – Kerrist but she’s a porker! Or is it cos the dad is a midget? I hate midgets.

    “Chantelle and Maisie were released from hospital yesterday. They are living with Penny, Chantelle’s jobless dad Steve, 43, and her five brothers in a rented council house in Eastbourne. The family live on benefits.”

    Eugenics. Nuff said.

  106. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – When I stay at yours, can I put some posters up in my room?

  107. Nick T Says:

    There asome nice things happening in the world http://improveverywhere.com/

  108. Mel Says:

    Will you use blu tack or drawing pins NC?

    MOst people say you cannot use them to hang posters. That was how it worked in my days at Uni anyway.

  109. Clarry Says:

    Roszs book could rival this mad old bag.

    http://www.sendamy.com/

    NC – my dad’s a fucking arsehole too, so it’s mums for me i’m afraid.

  110. Mel Says:

    Nick, that is beautiful. Perhaps we can start a WWM one? Obviously, i would have to join in vicariously, but i want to see pictures of NC giving people farts and wedgies and the like. That would Improve things for me for sure.

  111. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – I was planning on using nails. I’d also like to know if he takes pets, and what my monthly rent’s going to be.

    Clarry – Did your father drop a cat on you when you were in the bath? Mine did. Bastard.

  112. Nick T Says:

    I think the no “pants” day would work best Clarry..

  113. roszs Says:

    Naps – my dad bashed my ferrets head in with a hammer IN FRONT OF ME when I was a child. And that is actually true.

    (It was up his trousers with its teeth in his scrotum at the time, but even so).

    *weeps silently while rocking against radiator*

  114. Napoleon Says:

    Roszs – He sounds like a lovely man. No relation to a Mr. David Morris, formerly of Kieghley, West Yorkshire by any chance?

  115. ugeine Says:

    113 comments? I’ve just woken up!

  116. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – You’ve just woken up? You lazy little bastard. I’ve been awake for ages, me. Ages. And I’ve got a stinking hangover and I’ve run out of sausages.

    Lucky I’m going to the butcher’s today to get some more sausages.

  117. roszs Says:

    ugeine – are you unemployed again? TUT TUT.

  118. Von Says:

    And it’s gone quite massively off topic.

  119. Nick T Says:

    The Topic, a wonderful chocy bar.

  120. Napoleon Says:

    I haven’t had a Topic in donkey’s years.

  121. roszs Says:

    Naps – maybe they were long lost cousins… that would make us husband and wife or summat.

  122. Mr H Says:

    On the subject of chocolate, a delivery man has just arrived at my office with a guitar shaped cake, especially for me.

    Normally, I would devour this immediately, but what with it being Friday 13th, I am a trifle concerned. It’s also the day before Valentines Day, and it’s not from Mrs H, but another woman of my acquaintance.

    Am I am about to be;

    a) poisoned
    b) stalked, or
    c) murdered by Mrs H if she finds out.

  123. roszs Says:

    Mr H: b, definitely. That probably cost the best part of £30, so it will be followed up by silent phonecalls without a doubt.

  124. Napoleon Says:

    Roszs – You’re my wife? Does that mean I get to sex you up? And can I sex you up whilst listening to Color Me BADD’s ‘I Wanna Sex You Up’?

  125. Mel Says:

    NC, that is an immediate mood killer, even for relatives.

  126. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – Is it? Well what about Charles ‘n’ Eddie’s ‘Would I Lie To You’? Or Jimmy Nail’s ‘Ain’t No Doubt’?

    Sexy music?

  127. Mel Says:

    Grrr wordpress is being fucky again.

    It will start the lecturing soon. ‘stop doing that’ ‘your comment is illogical’ blah blah

  128. Mel Says:

    I think you could be in there with Jimmy Nail’s ‘Crocodile Shoooooooooes’.

    Good luck

  129. roszs Says:

    NC – I think once you are married you never have sex again.

  130. Napoleon Says:

    ‘Crocodile Shoes’ is one of my favourite songs. Not that I ever listen to it, mind. I only ever listen to music on the radio, or if I’m pissed up on booze. And if it’s the latter case, I tend to listen to tripe like Phil Collins’s ‘No Jacket Required’ or some garbage by the monumentally appalling ELO.

  131. Clarry Says:

    Mr H – That’s really weird. I definitely wouldn’t eat it. Does this acquaintance have any good reason to be sending you a guitar shaped cake?

  132. Napoleon Says:

    Roszs – That’s a sterling advertisement for marriage, I must say. No wonder I’ve successfully managed to avoid falling into the trap for nine years now. “When are we getting married,” she keeps saying. “Soon,” says I. But really I’m thinking, “Not any time soon, by God!”.

  133. Clarry Says:

    NC – No he didn’t drop a cat on me whilst in the bath, he just hasn’t bothered with me for 30 years and he told my half sisters that I was their cousin. That’s all.

  134. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – Sounds like a man after my own heart.

  135. Clarry Says:

    There’s nothing like wholesale rejection to make a girl completely neurotic, clingy and paranoid. Good job, Dad!

  136. Mel Says:

    Mr H, i think it will be stalking from your colleague, followed by murdering by your wife. Tread carefully.

  137. Mel Says:

    Clarry and NC, i am sorry to hear your tales.

  138. Clarry Says:

    The best way forward Mr H is to take the cake home and pretend you baked it for Mrs H. I’m absolutely sure that’s the solution.

  139. Mel Says:

    But, be sure to give us the updates Mr H.

  140. Clarry Says:

    Mel – Thanks, but in actual fact you don’t miss what you don’t have. I just grates when you think about it. Every waking minute.

    *joking*

    I think Roszs’ pops wins.

  141. Clarry Says:

    I second that Mel – can we have a picture of the cake too. Has she made it herself?

  142. Clarry Says:

    *Had

  143. Napoleon Says:

    The problem with these self-catering holidays is you have to cook your own food. Or do you? You see, if you’re prepared to be cunning you can tell the holiday company you want self-catering so they’ll rent you the appartment, and then sneak out to a restaurant when they’re not looking. If they ask you what you’re doing, you can tell them you’re off to see the cathedral or what-have-you.

  144. Excelsior! Says:

    Are you absolutely sure its not from Mrs. H? Cos Clarrys suggestion could be disastrous.

  145. Mel Says:

    Or, you could let your cake baking stalker know where you are going beforehand, and get them to cater for you.

    Then you also turn your holiday into an extreme holiday for the bargain price of a self catering package…

  146. piqued Says:

    you can tell them you’re off to see the cathedral* or what-have-you.

    *or synagogue, mosque, ashram, shrine, temple, Kingdon Hall etc.,

    (come in NC, it’s the 21st century)

  147. Napoleon Says:

    If I went on one of them extreme holidays, all I’d do was get drunk. Fuck snowboarding, I’d be boozing. I’ve seen a fair bit of Europe pissed, I have. I was so drunk on one holiday, I no longer remember if I was in Yugoslavia or Bulgaria. Apparently I’ve been to Slovakia, according to my passport.

  148. Mel Says:

    NC – Slovakia is one of the countries that came out of the former Yugoslavia. Maybe you were just so pissed you neglected to notice the war in the Balkans in some years prior to your visit.

  149. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – I try and avoid funny foreign religious buildings. I’m always worried I’ll do something wrong (like not taking my shoes off or standing on a holy monkey), and end up with an international fatwah dangling over my head.

  150. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – Excellent knowledge of geography and history, there. For all the kids reading this, what Mel meant to say was Slovakia came into being after the break up of of Czechoslovakia.

    You ignoramous.

  151. piqued Says:

    ‘Piqued – I try and avoid funny foreign religious buildings’

    What a disgraceful attitude

    (me too, and let’s face it, none of the above have much of an open door policy do they, especially the mosques, the ones round ‘ere are like Stalag Luft 3)

  152. Napoleon Says:

    ‘Kin ‘ell! There’s a 68 year old woman on the radio at the moment who was asked for ID when she was buying booze from a One Stop.

    In the words of Littlejohn:

    “You couldn’t make it up!”

    (Unless this is made up)

  153. Thumper Plowman Says:

    When we had our first family abroad in the 80s we went self-catering in Yugoslavia. I remember my mother trying to cook Scotch staples such as mince & tatties using ingredients from the local supermarkets. It takes creativity to be as unadventurous as we were.

  154. Mel Says:

    Well, that is as maybe, but I did not mix either one up with Bulgaria, so i still win on Geography.

    I am not drunk, i am high on crack whores and nose cocaine (copyright Roszs)

  155. Clarry Says:

    I got asked for ID buying a pair of scissors in Woolworths. I don’t look bad for my age, but 15?

  156. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – They are a bit weary of non-believers, aren’t they? Unlike the good old C of E who’ll let any old Tom, Dick or ‘Arry in.

  157. Clarry Says:

    P.S Mr H and Excelsior! – I was being sarCARstic. I was trying to think of a situation-comedy-style, sticky situation you could yourself in with your cake.

    You and your cake.

  158. piqued Says:

    As I bleeted on a couple of weeks ago on Piqued, IC (31) was asked for ID on the doorstep of some club wotsit. She didn’t have any so I told the bouncer that by asking for her ID he was implying I was a pedo. He let us in very quickly. Pedo opens doors I can tell you.

  159. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – If you’d bothered to read what I

  160. Mel Says:

    what you didn’t finish NC?

    That would make me a mind reader

  161. Napoleon Says:

    Eh?

    I’ll start again.

    Mel – If you’d bothered to read what I’d written, you’d have discovered I confused Bulgaria with Yugolslavia, not with Slovakia. You know Bulgaria? That country that’s right fucking next to the former Yugoslavia?

    Winning on geography, my arse.

  162. piqued Says:

    My uncles from there

  163. Nick T Says:

    New Ikea opened in Southampton. You’d have thought it was a cure for cancer the way idiots are flocking to it

  164. Mel Says:

    Yes, I am aware of Bulgaria. I have been there and confused it with neither any of the former Yugoslavian states, nor any of the Czechoslovakian ones.

    I wouldn’t recommend Sofia, but Plovdiv was lovely.

  165. Mel Says:

    And, how much geography can you fit on your arse NC?

  166. Napoleon Says:

    From Bulgaria? I imagine he’s dead from liver disease by now, yes? Eastern Europeans live on fuck all but booze. And they’re all miserable bastards.

    Mind you, that’s mainly Hitler’s fault.

  167. Nick T Says:

    Jeremy Kyle time “My boyfriend bit me….”

    *settles down*

  168. Mel Says:

    I thought that was on in the mornings Nick?

    Is this line because the boyfriend is some kind of parasite? Or an actual vampire?

  169. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – I can fit loads of geography on my arse, thanks very much. And I also know you’d have to be some sort of cud-munching, West Country pumpkin-bumpkin to think Slovakia used to be in Yugoslavia.

    “Where we’m going on our’m ‘olllllliday’s this year, Faaaaaather?”
    “We’m be all goin’ down to Slow-vakeeya, Melanie, my luvverly.”
    “Were be thaaaaaaaaaaaat?”
    “Woi, it be in You-go-slaaaaaaaaavia, moi pretty.”

  170. piqued Says:

    …yes, NC, I am Tobermorey

  171. Excelsior! Says:

    I, er, totally knew you were yeah?

  172. Nick T Says:

    “He said he was going away for a few days and came back 18 months later…..”

  173. Napoleon Says:

    Oh, it was a Wombles thing. I never liked the Wombles. Do-gooding set of bastards, the lot of ’em. I bet they all read the Guardian and recommend rehabilitation for paedos instead of stringing ’em up by their balls.

    I bet Garry Bushell and Richard Littlejohn hate the Wombles.

  174. piqued Says:

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/7887994.stm

    I think it was granny who should’ve been put down, the lazy cow

  175. piqued Says:

    I didn’t like the fucking Wombles either

  176. Mel Says:

    I never got ‘olidays as a child NC. My parents used to make us go and stay in the god forsaken hole Yeadon in a caravan for a week. It was not so much a holiday as a punishment. We never went abroad, which is why i cannot get enough of it now, and have decided to live there (abroad, not Yeadon)

  177. Napoleon Says:

    I didn’t go abroad until I was in my twenties, Mel. My mum once went abroad when I was a kid and left me with an ‘orrible woman called Shirley. My grandad later found out she’d had her fingers in the pub till, the thieving bitch. She’s got the cancer now. Serves her right. I hope it’s up her arsehole.

    Right! I’m off to the butcher’s.

  178. piqued Says:

    I never went abroad with the folks either. Scarborough, every year, to see Gram Grams and Granpapapapapapapz -thiough one year we went to Wales, dad threw a wobbly in the tiny cottage and we went home the next day

  179. roszs Says:

    Mel – you went on holiday in Yeadon, West Yorkshire, blighted village just outside Bradford? Wow! Your parents must proper hate you.

    Does that beat the time I got home from the pub to find my father sitting in the dark in the living room with a rifle across his knees staring through the patio doors, though?
    “What are you doing, dad?”
    “Waiting…”

  180. Mel Says:

    At least your mum didn’t leave you on your own Nappers. That sort of thing will get you straight in the tabloids you know.

  181. piqued Says:

    I’m dying for a shit

  182. Napoleon Says:

    Me, my mother, my uncle and my father rented a holiday cottage in some backwards part of the country once. Four hours we were there, and then my father got up, threw the Ludo board onto the floor and shouted, “Fuck this!”, and drove us all home.

    And that was that year’s family holiday.

    I’m definitely off to the butcher’s now.

  183. Mel Says:

    Christ Roszs, that doesn’t sound like a good thing.

    Apart from making me go to shitty places that aren’t pronounced as they are written, my folks were quite normal.

    I hope he was hunting squirrels or something.

  184. Clarry Says:

    I wants more o’ these tales Roszs. You really could write a book.

  185. piqued Says:

    “…and then my father got up, threw the Ludo board onto the floor and shouted, “Fuck this!”, and drove us all home”

    Yes, that was pretty much what my dad did too, but it took him a bit longer, and it was Coppit

  186. piqued Says:

    “You really could write a book”

    She could Clarry, can’t be fucked though

  187. Mel Says:

    We lost a foster child on holiday one year. That was about the worst that happened. We found her again after getting the coastguards a bit worried for a little while. Again, i am terribly sorry for all of your tales of woe. And i feel a little bit guilty now, because i was just trying to irk NC by telling him that a rubbish place in Yorkshire is well rubbish. I didn’t mean to bring up all these memories for you all.

    *hangs head*

  188. piqued Says:

    As far as I’m concerned Mel I had a happy family holidays, I look back on them with a lot of fondness.

  189. roszs Says:

    DAMN YOU PIQUED AND YOUR HAPPY CHILDHOOD.

    (I had a happy childhood too really, my father is just classically eccentric rather than anything more menacing. He has a massive shed kitted out like a pub with a swivel mounted machine gun pointing at the door).

  190. piqued Says:

    I’ve no idea why I’m so bitter, arrogant, rude and aggressive. As mum says every time I purge bile when I’m over there ‘you were such a nice boy’

  191. roszs Says:

    Mebbe its cos you were so happy as a child that adulthood is a sour aftertaste.

  192. roszs Says:

    any luck on the hackney house hunting btw?

  193. Mel Says:

    OK, that sounds a bit better. I prefer eccentrics to out and out crazies!

    Maybe piqued is like that now because he likes it?

  194. roszs Says:

    He fucking LOVES it.

    Have you a pleasant weekend planned Mel?

  195. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    ‘you were such a nice boy’

    That’s a standard mumism.

  196. piqued Says:

    Rosz, I’m not going to start hunting til I’ve rid myself of my gaff, it’ll take weeks to complete so I’ll have have time. Re. Childhood, yes, that’s it exactly.

  197. piqued Says:

    “‘you were such a nice boy’

    That’s a standard mumism.”

    Yes, but I’m a heavily breasted girl DINLT

  198. breeks Says:

    there’s been lots of words put on here whilst i’ve been cooking (sausage rolls with sage and chives and red onion and parsnip and sweet potato soup with fenugreek, cumin and tumeric, yeah).

    i only work four days a week, see. i spend fridays faffing.

    anyway:-

    family holidays – australian families don’t go overseas, overseas is too far. and we have holiday weather all year. we just go to a different beach for a week.

    topic bars – good but better frozen.

    guitar cake – call the delivery company and pose as the orderer and ask them to confirm they have the right billing details. bingo.

    child-parents – even children have genitals and are able to brainlessly use them. image how fast and enthusiastic 13 year old sperm must be. lucky they didn’t have octuplets. actually, don’t you guys spend the first few years of frotting yourselves with a non-productive result? when does the sticky kick in?

    …end

  199. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    we have holiday weather all year
    Which part of Australia are you from?

  200. Mel Says:

    Roszs – yes thanks, my best friend is visiting from the UK, with his girlfriend. I have a weekend of drinking and doing stuff planned.

    I am very popular, now that I live in Amsterdam, and have visitors almost every weekend. How’d have thunk it?

    Do you have good plans for the weekend yourself?

  201. Mel Says:

    erm, that should have been who’d have thunk it

  202. Mel Says:

    DINLT – are you planning some kind of world tour of people that you have conversed with on websites? You seem to be very keen in asking where we all live/ come from an that.

  203. breeks Says:

    DINLT – perth, mostly. 300 days of sunshine a year. cancerous, of course, but full of happy dying people.

  204. Dave Says:

    ‘sausage rolls with sage and chives and red onion and parsnip and sweet potato soup with fenugreek, cumin and tumeric, yeah’

    I had a Greggs Sausage and Bean bake.

    As for a quiz I reckon I could win, it would have to be Junior Mastermind and my special subject would be “questions with the answer ‘yes'”.

  205. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Sorry Mel, just naturally curious. I have lived in Holland for 3 years and Australia for 2 years so I get curious. I have no interest in where people come from in the UK however.

  206. breeks Says:

    dave – it’s criminal that someone’s brain even came up with beans in a ‘bake’. really. and i say that as a poncy wanker who made sausage rolls with sage in ’em.

  207. roszs Says:

    Maybe DINLT is sending guitar cakes to us all, one at a time…

  208. Mel Says:

    Don’t be sorry. Curiosity is always a good thing. Unless you are a cat, or a particular 80s pop band with a very pretentiously named (but lovely) lead singer

  209. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Well Perth is not really Australia is it. It’s South East Asia.

  210. Dave Says:

    I don’t know how the human race survived without poncified gastronomy, I really don’t.

  211. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Actually I went to school with one of them, same class and everything.

  212. breeks Says:

    DINLT – *sigh*

    no.

    i also lived in queensland and NSW and about 20 other places. don’t make me defend perth. have you BEEN there?*

    hmmm.

    * go

  213. Mel Says:

    Breeks, it is exactly *because* we are pretentious food wankers that we think that bean bakes are wrong.

    My mate wanted me to cook spag bol the other day. I did, of course, but all the while i cooked it i was thinking ‘but i have actual skills in the kitchen, could you not have asked for something which would mean that i could show off said skills’ . It was then that i realised that i am a hopeless food snob.

  214. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Comment of 3.11 – geographically speaking.
    Comment of 3.12 – refering to the band Mel mentioned.

  215. Dave Says:

    You can be skilled in the kitchen and, indeed, a ‘foodie’ without combining seemingly randomised ingredients. Sounds like a bad episode of Ready Steady Cook to me but, hey, I’m planning on eating a KFC Zinger Tower Meal swigged down with a litre of cooking oil later on.

  216. piqued Says:

    “(but lovely) lead singer!”

    What that Ben fuckwit with the fucking hat?!

    I fucking hated him so much Mel I can’t begin to describe it. His smarmy ‘ooh ladies’ face (especially when he looked like Phil Cool) and his ‘dance’ routine…’ oh Christ, my chest

  217. Mel Says:

    really DINLT – the pretentiously named lead singer?
    *gets excited*

    Everyone i went to school with are complete and utter dullards who never did anything exciting in their lives

  218. breeks Says:

    mel – but nay, nay. spag bol is the thing everything thinks they can cook but actually no one can. *

    *except me.

    *and a couple of italians

    *and maybe my gran

  219. breeks Says:

    everyone. everyone thinks.

    everyone thinks they can cook spag bol.

  220. Mel Says:

    Oh but piqued, i was a teenager, and the hormones had just started to surge when he came on the scene.

  221. Mel Says:

    I agree breeks, but i can also cook spag bol, the proper ragu stylee, i just consider it to be beneath my skills precisely *because* it is the dish that everyone thinks they can cook.

    Plus, because people are so wedded to the fry mince and add tinned tomatoes style of cooking it, my excellent version is not recognised as the real deal, and therefore it is decried for inauthenticity. This boils my piss.

  222. breeks Says:

    you must feed their ignorance with runny sauce and over cooked noodles.

  223. piqued Says:

    Dave, Breeks was a Masterchef finalist, can you go back to fucking off again please. Thanks.

    Mel, but why him? He was disgusting, he gave me the fucking willies -so I suppose we have something in common

  224. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    No not Ben.

    I can cook an excellent Spaghetti Bolognese and will do when I come to stay with you all.
    I have been to Yugoslavia, (Split), not been to Perth though have a cousin there, NSW and Queensland yes, but beach all year round. Maybe in Cairns or Port Douglas, but the stingers will get you, and sorry to say Mel, Amsterdam is one of my least favorite Dutch cities, Rotterdam on the other hand is great nightlife, though having said that I did go occasionally go to the Melkeg in Amsterdam.

  225. Dave Says:

    That last sentence almost sounded like one of your cooking instructions, Mel. Get some ‘My Dolmio’, which is made for kids and is AMAZING.

  226. breeks Says:

    dave – ‘You can be skilled in the kitchen and, indeed, a ‘foodie’ without combining seemingly randomised ingredients’.

    true.

    i do not stand accused of this.

    do i?

    *sobs*

  227. Mel Says:

    As i said piqued, i was young and dumb.

    It was not that much later that i discovered that i actually really fancied Johnny Depp a lot more, and went off silly art school students with silly berets and shirts that would have made Marcel Marceau proud.

    It was a brief period in my life.

    Bree – Never!

  228. Dave Says:

    ‘combining seemingly randomised ingredients’ is probably closer to beans and sausage in a bake than your meal, breeks, when I think about it. And no, Piqued, the fact that he was a finalist, very impressively, of a telly show does not mean I can’t defend my love for Greggs. Snob.

  229. Mel Says:

    Dave – don’t make my piss boil, you would not like me when my piss boils.

    It means that i am very angry indeed, so angry that my internal temperature has risen to a level that will boil my piss.

    Dolmio is exactly one thing that sets the internal thermometer rising.

  230. breeks Says:

    breeks is a she, most days.

    don’t be impressed by finalising on a reality show. had i figured out it’d actually be shown on the teev i’d not have done it at all…fame, yeah, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

    want my autograph?

  231. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    that breeks was such a nice boy.

    (credit to piqued)

  232. piqued Says:

    “And no, Piqued, the fact that he was a finalist, very impressively, of a telly show does …” Bla blah blah

    On the boil aren’t you (I wish you were) Dave.

    Can’t say we’ve missed you

  233. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    When were you on Breeks…you’re not Tomi are you?

  234. breeks Says:

    DINLK – of course not, she was completely humourless.

  235. Dave Says:

    Very clever food-based pun there, Piqued. Fried gold like that keeps me coming back for more, so you’ve nobody to blame but yourself.

  236. Mr H Says:

    Cake update;

    Thanks for the advice, but I am a man, and therefore have no idea how to bake a cake. That’s one of the reasons there is a Mrs H.

    I have taken a picture of said cake and as soon as I can work out how to get the pictures from my phone to my computer I shall be sure to upload.

    I reckon that I’m going to get someone from my work to eat the first slice and then monitor them for signs of death before I risk it. After all, I don’t like any of them enough to care.

  237. piqued Says:

    Just been filling my lighter at my desk. Someone said ‘ooh, what’s that smell of petrol?’

    I ignored them of course until some shit said what I was doing

    The moaner then (politely) asked if wouldn’t mind going outside and I (very impolitely) said ‘fuck off’

    I feel a bit bad about that. It fucking stinks in here.

  238. breeks Says:

    light a match. the resulting explosion’ll shut ’em up.

  239. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Breeks did you get to the final and when were you on? I have only watched Masterchef spasmodically and have a general aversion to cookery programs.

  240. roszs Says:

    piqued – making an office smell of petrol is mean, offices are depressing enough as it is.

  241. piqued Says:

    I just went outside for a fag and the most boring man in the world came out too, totally ruined it

  242. Dave Says:

    What kind of lighter do you own, my friend? I own an antique Ronson as well as various skull-based Zippos. Of course, I always use my trusty collection of bright pink throwaways.

  243. piqued Says:

    Zippo, always had one

  244. breeks Says:

    piqued’s lighter smells Good.

    fact.

  245. Dave Says:

    And what case have you discerningly selected for this all-American monolith of the Marlbrough age? At a guess, I’d suggest you have a vintage 70s style rock case – possibly in black. Although you may favour the understated taste of cold brushed steel…

  246. Dave Says:

    Marlborough is a northern town in which they mine cancer. I meant Marlboro…Sorry.

  247. breeks Says:

    my old english teacher left perth to go teach in marlborough.

    mr w. first name kim.

    beardy, but nice. back in 1990. anyone know him?

  248. piqued Says:

    Chrome, Dave

    The Black ones chip

  249. Dave Says:

    Wow. It’s a lovely Wiltshire town, says Google. I bet you could find a few lovely pubs in good old Marlborough…a moronic spelling mistake may have just decided my next holiday trip. Lovely.

  250. Mel Says:

    I think you’ll find Marlborough is in the Westcountry Dave.

  251. Mel Says:

    Oh, you just said that. It is quite near Swindon though, which is not a great holiday destination by any stretch of the imagination.

  252. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    I think it depends which Marlborough you want to go to.

  253. piqued Says:

    (Mel, Wiltshire is on the boarders of The West country)

  254. Dave Says:

    With my bank balance it is, Mel. Trust me. Anywhere with a pub built in the 1800s is a holiday destination for me.

  255. Dave Says:

    This is where I’ll be drinking tonight

    http://www.beerintheevening.com/pubs/s/48/481/

    A rock/metal bar on Manchester’s Oxford Road, so you see I’m easily pleased.

  256. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    I have found a Marlborough in Australia, Canada, USA and New Zealand.

  257. roszs Says:

    I just pressed submit on my timesheet. The most satisfying second of a temp’s working week.

  258. Mel Says:

    *whispers*

    Piqued, i know that well, but it is classed as the westcuntry, and they all speak like Nanny from Duckula, which means that they officially have the silliest of all of the Westcuntry accents (the second silliest being Bristolian)

    Isn’t that right Roszs?

  259. roszs Says:

    Dave – that used to be my local, it is right next to another pub called the Thirsty Scholar that has a free jukebox. Well it did ten years ago anyway.

  260. roszs Says:

    Wiltshire’s not in the westcountry, its in the north!

    The only true west country is cornwall (well apart from they want to be their own country), devon, somerset and dorset.

  261. Dave Says:

    Yeah, the Thirsty Scholar and the Salisbury. TS is great for live music as they support the local scene (and it’s free). Also, GC is opposite Jilly’s Rockworld.

  262. Mel Says:

    No, Gloucestershire is also in the westcountry. It is why we like rugby, and talk funny and all that.

    At the very least southern Gloucestershire definitely counts.

  263. roszs Says:

    And only up the road from The Venue on Whitworth St West where I spend many a happy evening doing literal dances to the lyrics of mid-nineties brit-pop.

    Manchestawwww such a lot to answer fawwwwwww

  264. roszs Says:

    Wotevs Mel, you northerner.

  265. roszs Says:

    PS – your definition makes you welsh.

  266. Mel Says:

    Not Welsh, i missed out mining and singing and sheep.

  267. Dave Says:

    Jabez Clegg was one for you too, I bet. And The Footage.

    Manchester has a big wheel these days (exactly as good as The London Eye). We’re a hub for world brilliance and stuff these days.

  268. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Ha, ha…re: the 13 year old dad. This daily mush reader’s comment below takes the biscuit. We can blame GB for some things but this really is not his fault.

    “This story sums up BROWN’S BRITAIN today!

    There should be no state financial help given to them. As they said, they kept the girl’s pregnancy secret. Well they can now finance the child as well!

    Why should the British tax payer fund them!

    BROWN OUT NOW!

    BROWN RESIGN NOW!

    BROWN, ELECTION NOW!”

  269. Mel Says:

    ha, that is madness.

    I think those children were more worried about what their mums would say than actually thinking about what was going on, but what does that have to do with Gordy?

    I don’t normally read the comments section on newspapers because they are so full of idiots, but that is comedy gold. Has anyone else told this commenter to STFU?

  270. Nick T Says:

    I have also lived in Perth. One of my best memories is hitching down to Scarboro (ha!) beach.

    I have also played at the Marlborogh Jazz Festival, twice. It’s near Swindon.

    I’m off for half term next week. I will be doing work for myself and starting the day with either a glass of red wine or a shot of Mr Daniels finest. Why? Because I can….

    Valentines anyone?

    *puckers up*

  271. Napoleon Says:

    Just got back from the butcher’s and saw this:

    ’sausage rolls with sage and chives’

    What a way to ruin a sausage roll.

    And Piqued’s ten-a-penny lighter’s got nothing on mine.

  272. Clarry Says:

    I’ve got some serious making up to do this Valentine’s day. Last year I got stuck at work and could only find some love hearts from the garage on the way home and I lost the envelope for my card. My shitness was accentuated by Mr Clarry being extra good.

  273. Nick T Says:

    One can find vegetarian scotch egge now http://www.ocado.com/webshop/product/Quorn-Picnic-Eggs/39377011?parentContainer=FEATURE

  274. piqued Says:

    Don’t buy Quorn, it’s bad stuff

    You’ve always been able to get bloody nice veggie Scotch Eggs from Holland and Barrett

    Nap, you’ve the same lighter as me, though mine isn’t as, well, filthy

  275. Napoleon Says:

    My missus is getting fuck all for Valentine’s Day.

  276. piqued Says:

    What am I getting though?

    Surprise me Treacle

    *runs finger over NC’s wet lips*

  277. breeks Says:

    NC – i think you’ll find the sage and chives were britishly grown and therefore more english than other stuff i cooked today.

  278. Napoleon Says:

    It’s the same make, yes, but mine’s brass (the ‘filth’ is patina, you cheeky shithouse) and has James Bond in that ‘seen from down a gun barrel’ pose and ‘007’ engraved on it. Yours is a bland silver lighter. Bland.

  279. vones Says:

    Valentines day…hmmm…any suggestions for somthing for the missus for under a tenner easily available in West London?

  280. Clarry Says:

    Nice one NC – I bet she’s gonna love you tomorrow.

    Why don’t you borrow Mr H’s guitar cake?

  281. piqued Says:

    They’re all brass you berk, mine, however, is chrome plated, in chromes

    (I will admit your lighter is alright though)

  282. piqued Says:

    ‘Valentines day…hmmm…any suggestions for somthing for the missus for under a tenner easily available in West London?’

    Boots have a special on blobs at the mo

  283. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    vones .. a travel card.

  284. Mel Says:

    I don’t get what all the fuss is about personally. I think it is made up by card manufacturers, and is thus a celebration of consumerism, rather than love.

    I never celebrate it either, much to my boyfriend’s relief.

  285. Napoleon Says:

    You don’t put chives in a sausage roll, Breeks. Sage I understand (if you’re making Lincolnshire), but chives? In a sausage roll? Disgusting.

    I’m not getting you nothing neither, Piqued (my old English teacher turns in his grave). I don’t do Valentine’s Day because it’s a pile of arseholes.

  286. piqued Says:

    …nice one DINLT, how about 5 veggie Scotch Eggs from Holland n’ Barrett to get her in the mood/toilet

  287. breeks Says:

    take her on a ride on the 607 express from shepherds bush to uxbridge…only £2 on an oyster.

  288. piqued Says:

    ‘boyfriend’s relief.’

    *looks blank*

  289. piqued Says:

    Or get her some Oysters to go with her Scotch Eggs/Rennie

  290. Mel Says:

    Piqued, you filthy cur.

    I bet you would also be happy if your good lady had moral objections to the celebration of St Valentine’s day with mawkish sentiment and tacky cards

  291. Napoleon Says:

    Get her fuck all, DINLT.

  292. Mel Says:

    Oh my god- i think i might be the female NC….

  293. breeks Says:

    i’m spending the first valentine’s day with new boyfriend out with a bunch of mates. he’s allowed to come along – if he promises to be good and buy me drinks. alcoholic ones.

  294. Mel Says:

    That’s more like it Breeks.

  295. breeks Says:

    nc – putting chives in them ensures a comedy laugh at someone later tonight when they have them stuck in their teef. also they’re oniony. i like oniony.

  296. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – Have you got an incredibly short temper, bad teeth, receding hair, a huge nose and a loathing for foreign food, foreign countries and foreigners?

  297. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    My local butcher did the most amazing sausages with chilli. Unfortunately he closed down in December.

  298. Napoleon Says:

    Can’t stand onions, me. I reckon they ruin 99% of all meals they grace. The only onions I’ll tolerate are the ones that go to make a curry sauce base. This leads to bewilderment in Indian restaurants when I ask for a curry with no onions in it (the big chunks).

  299. Mel Says:

    DINLT – yes, yes, no, no, no (except Dutch food), no and no.

    Phew, i think i might be ok then.

    You should have bought more sausages from that butcher, then he might not have closed down

  300. Napoleon Says:

    There’s a butcher in Lincoln that does a cracking chilli sausage. I don’t think this helps you much though, DINLT.

  301. Swineshead Says:

    I’m trying to arrange some flowers over here – anyone got any idea how its done?

    I’ve carried out these steps so far:

    Walk to supermarket.
    Buy flowers.
    Take flowers home.
    Fill vase.
    Take flowers out of paper.
    Place flowers in vase.

    They look SHIT.

    I can’t fathom why this shit makes women happy. I hope I’ll be getting a good three hours undisturbed on Pro Evolution for Valentines day.

  302. Mel Says:

    aren’t you supposed to put ribbons and bits of greenery in them?

    *NB, my opinion might not get you very far with normal girlfriends

  303. breeks Says:

    sh – you need to have enough flowers and stuff to really fill the vase, nothing worse than a few stems languishing in a bucket.

    go buy more. shove them in. shove lots in.

    hang on. supermarket?

    god’s sake.

  304. Napoleon Says:

    Why’s a woman impersonating Swineshead?

  305. Swineshead Says:

    There’re too bloody many, that’s the problem. It just looks like a load of flowers in a vase.

    An upmarket supermarket, they’re not Tescos dog ends.

    That’s my lot for V day, thank Christ that’s over.

  306. Napoleon Says:

    You should have got her nothing because you’re not bloody teenagers. There’s something distinctly childish about Valentine’s Day.

  307. breeks Says:

    make two vases. then looks like you bought more and are generous.

  308. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Napoleon your comment about getting fuck all should be directed to Vones, and Mel, your comment yes/no etc should be directed to be Napoleon.
    Napoleons comment about the butcher in Lincs is correctly directed, but alas no good, I am also in West London.

  309. breeks Says:

    DINLT – are you going to give them detention? you sound a bit like you will.

  310. Clarry Says:

    Yes, the more flowers the better SH. Half-arsed flowers are worse than no flowers in my book. Maybe you can put something in the vase like oasis or scrunched up clear plastic (like what your flowers come in) as this will help the flowers stay where you put them.

    Hey but what would I know I only have my Girl Guide flower arranging badge.

  311. Napoleon Says:

    You should still heed my advice, DINLT. If you’ve got a missus, get her fuck all. ALL OF YOU.

    And if you’re a bird, grow up and stop giving your other halves grief over Money In The Card Shop’s Pockets Day.

  312. Mel Says:

    Ooh great, i haven’t had detention for years!

  313. Swineshead Says:

    I hate flowers

  314. Napoleon Says:

    By the way, I’ve got a friend who’s missus has recently had a baby. I can’t say this to his face, obviously, so I’m venting my spleen here instead:

    I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR DAMNED BABY! STOP TALKING TO ME ABOUT YOUR BASTARD BABY!

    Thank you.

  315. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t see the point of flowers. I prefer tits.

  316. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    I get Ms Mikey flowers every week.

  317. Clarry Says:

    NC – I read that as your ‘…friend’s missus has just had MY baby. I can’t tell it to his face, but…’

  318. Mel Says:

    Flowers are good for attracting insects into your garden to pollinate your fruits (tomatoes, aubergine, courgettes etc) and not a lot else, IMHO.

  319. Napoleon Says:

    I wouldn’t want to get that bugger up the duff, Clarry. She looks like Rose West.

  320. Swineshead Says:

    DINLT – I always think it’ll make them suspicious, buying them flowers. So I opt for buying them nothing.

  321. Napoleon Says:

    That’s what I think, Swineshead. If I came home brandishing flowers, my missus would kick me out for having an affair.

  322. breeks Says:

    i’d prefer flowers to some soppy great card.

  323. Clarry Says:

    Bye, speak to you all next week. Except NC, who shall be stabbed dead by his woman.

  324. Napoleon Says:

    No I won’t. She knows me of old when it comes to Valentine’s Day.

  325. Nick of the T Says:

    “Say it with tits”

    No, that doesn’t work.

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