NewsGush: More McIntyre


michael mcintyre

Do you like Michael McIntyre? Do you chortle at the way he guffaws at his own jokes whilst speaking? Does his preppy, floppy barnet give you cause for belly-laughs? Do you like his plummy speech patterns and they way he stutters and repeats himself for comedy effect? Do you like his suits? Do you rate his 80s era observational comedy?

If not, you’re in for a nightmare. Edna Welthorpe let us know in the comments a few months ago that McIntyre was on the BBC’s ‘one-to-push’ list, and they’re being proved right. He’s been on every panel show going so far in this young year, was on Jonathan Ross on Friday and now it appears his new series is about to subtly be dropped on us like a dirty bomb…

What do you make of this McIntyre character then?

At least he’s not James Corden.

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118 Responses to “NewsGush: More McIntyre”

  1. Matt Goodall Says:

    I don’t want to grace him with more words than necessary. CnUt.

  2. ugeine Says:

    People at work seem to love him. I watched his DVD, and was left thinking his Saturday Night variety of family observation jokes tires after about five minutes.

  3. Ant Says:

    The first line of that Beeb press release is rather amusing :

    “Sell out stand-up comedian Michael McIntyre…”

  4. Swineshead Says:

    Just gonna censor your C-bomb there, Matt. You’re entitled to your opinion, mind you.

  5. Swineshead Says:

    ‘People at work’


    I can see why the BBC are pushing him. He’s the anti-Russell Brand, really. Safe and dependable. We can expect a poor sitcom from him any day now.

  6. Swineshead Says:

    Twitter responses. Mixed opinion:

    matt_goodall @Swineshead I cannot abide the podgy faced smug little swine. He’s always so fucking pleased with himself!

    helencairns @Swineshead He’s quite funny, but it all feels very scripted. And he has an immensely punchable face.

    DanielJUK @Swineshead I weirdly love Michael Mcintyre!

  7. ugeine Says:

    SH: I’d say the X factor, facebook games crowd.

    Speaking of crap sitcoms, has anyone seen that Lee Mack thing? Awful, and another safe comedian been given more time by the Beeb, The Daily Mail has a lot to answer for.

  8. ugeine Says:

    ‘but it all feels very scripted’

    Eh? Is normal stand up comedy improvised then?

  9. Nick of the T Says:

    He’s inoffensive enough.

    I chuckled at him on “wossy”

    Scripted? Of course it’s scripted!

  10. Swineshead Says:

    McKinley60 @Swineshead …awfully unfunny, vaguely disturbing, hugely irritating… born to front the B&W Minstrels or fondle Basil’s Brush.

    I’m not sure if the above was about Corden or McIntyre.

    Lee Mack’s alright, I’ve not watched his sitcom.

  11. breeks Says:

    look at his fass. his mallow-featured beige face. his unimaginative and self-consciously comical expression.


    he’s shit.

  12. Edna Welthorpe Says:

    I TOLD YUZ!!

    You’ll also notice McIntyre is also represented by Jonathan Ross’ management – how they are connected, eh? ( Off The Kerb also make TV shows like Lead Balloon, and oh, McIntyre’s new show, too.

    I think he’s okay, but as you say, my dear Swineshead, the very definintion of ‘a safe pair of hands’. I’d rather have Barry Cryer presenting everything comedy, me.

  13. ugeine Says:

    Lee Mack’s stand up is pretty luke warm.

    I saw Dylan Moran on Wednesday, he was ace.

  14. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    When I heard him on the radio, some 6.30pm r4 show, I did not think he was funny at all. Just sounded like a guy who sniggered and guffawed at not very funny stuff. When I saw him on TV the sniggering and guffawing seemed to fit in with the act quite well, and found him to my surprise quite amusing.

  15. Swineshead Says:

    Edna – I’ll edit the text to credit your face.

    Seen Lee Mack live and laughed my head off. Mind you, i was off my head and he came on before they showed Raiders of the Lost Ark (and you were allowed to drink/smoke) in the cinema so I was bound to be in a good mood.

  16. Excelsior! Says:

    Ive always liked Dylan Moran, but i saw some older clips of him recently
    (same jokes but before he started doing his pretend drunk routine) and now the illusion’s been spoilt i just dont find him as funny.

  17. ugeine Says:

    Somebody called out ‘Hey Many, where’s the wine?’ when I saw him. He wasn’t best pleased.

  18. Swineshead Says:

    More from that Twitter thing…

    matt_goodall @Swineshead Used to like James Corden but now feel as though I have had my fill. Too much exposure of his masses of flesh.

    cantface @Swineshead rubbish, to both of them. See my earlier tweet about that McIntyre character – unfortunately he’s perfect for Saturday night TV.

  19. Mr H Says:

    If I only had one punch left, and the choice was between McIntyre and Corden, I’d take a muckle big swing at Corden. No doubt. He’s pure shite. Cut him down the middle and watch the keech ooze out. Git.

  20. Napoleon Says:

    We’re not allowed to say ‘cunt’ now? You’re getting worserer than wot Stalin was like, and he was a right cunt.

  21. Napoleon Says:

    I liked Les Dawson. He used to do this bit where he’d play the piano badly. You never seem to see him on telly anymore. I blame Ben Elton and all those (shit) ’80s ‘alternative’ (shit) comedians for this.

  22. Swineshead Says:

    Nappers – it’s just that it stops some working folk from seeing the site as it gets blocked.

    But I can’t be cunted to go and edit all your ‘cunts’, so they’ll have to miss out because of your selfish, cunty behaviour.

  23. Swineshead Says:

    More Twitter thoughts:

    mrhtou @Swineshead – McIntyre Shite
    mrhtou @Swineshead – Even mair shite than McIntyre

    (I think he might be scotch)

  24. fourstar Says:

    @ugeine: What would you have instead of “the Lee Mack thing” then? There does have to be /some/ comedy on television, even if you don’t like it.

    McIntyre is very good live, his nervous energy is what keeps his routine going. Whether that will work in a ‘vehicle’ remains to be seen.

  25. Napoleon Says:

    It’s not my fault if these working drones haven’t got the gumption to get off their arses and enter the financially insecure world of self-employment, is it?

    *masturbates for the eigth time today*

  26. Who Says:

    Ah, Corden. You’d have to, eh girls? It’s not the vast mountain of flesh, that’s not important, we can see past it, it’s about the laughs, that what we like, isn’t it? Fwoar. Eh, girls? Eh? Girls? Corden? Eh? GIRLS?

    I know, it’s an old one, but it’s just necessary for some people, dammit.

  27. Swineshead Says:

    I don’t get it. Do you fancy him or not, Who?

  28. Napoleon Says:

    Who – That ‘women going for the sense of humour’ thing’s rubbish. Everyone knows women follow the money, the pack of greedy bloody madams.

  29. ugeine Says:

    Fourstar: I’d have a video of Johnny Borrel’s head getting stoved in with a shovel.

  30. Josie Says:

    The biggest arsehole on my course at uni thinks McIntyre is hilarious. That says it all for me. This is the same prick who quotes Family Guy at every available opportunity. You know the type.

  31. Who Says:

    Well, apparently us wimmins throw ourselves at him, so he’d have us believe. Personally, he makes me feel so ill, I could cry.

  32. Swineshead Says:

    helencairns @Swineshead Of course I know stand-up is scripted, but good stand-up does not feel like its being recalled. That is what I meant

  33. Mr H Says:

    Sadly, I’m with Perry on this one.

    When folks talk about me it’s always, “ooh, that Mr H, he’s a right larf, so he is. You should be on the telly. You’re so funny.”

    So, how come when the rohypnol wore off, not one of them was laughing? Eh? Eh? Gits.

    Which is why Mrs H only hangs around due to the large wad of cash I keep handy for emergencies. Such as her escaping long enough to meet someone else.

  34. Swineshead Says:

    Corden + Lily Allen = did sex.


    Got any milk of magnesia?

  35. Napoleon Says:

    Who – I’m an expert on women (not only do I live with one, but I also came out of one), and can tell you this McIntyre character’s getting his hands on so many jugs because the birds are sniffing a fat wallet. That’s not sexist.

  36. Excelsior! Says:

    Dear Jim

    Please can you fix it for me to stove in johnny Borrel’s head with a shovel.

  37. fourstar Says:

    @ugeine: Yeah, me too. Although I hear BBC Three are already working on a pilot of “Superstar Songwriter Summer Shovel Slam”, fronted by Michael McIntyre.

  38. Matt Goodall Says:

    Sorry about the swear.

    Corden has apparently been courting that girl off of Two Pints for years and years. The smelly blonde slutty one.

    I assumed he was a gay.

  39. Mr H Says:

    “Corden + Lily Allen = did sex.”

    I’m reporting you to the IWF. I can put up with the odd Knut here and there, but that kind of filthy remark should have you shut down.

    If others would like to join me in “Stopping This Swineshead Filth” then just go here;

  40. Mr H Says:

    Ooh, Perry. I’ve found you the perfect job.

    20 grand for a 4 day month, and all the porn you can watch.

  41. Napoleon Says:

    The problem with that job, Mr. H, is that you haved to watch the sort of porn favoured by P.E. teachers, Catholic priests and the Japanese. I’m all for watching endless hours of porn, but I’d prefer it if the girls being put to the sword were post-school age.

    And dressed like schoolgirls.

  42. Mr H Says:

    Just you wait, Perry, until the 8th hand shandy of the day leaves you jaded. You’ll be grateful for some karaoke, um, bukakke, action then.

    And with the 20 grand, you could always buy a boxed set of St Trinians for those cold winters nights.

  43. Napoleon Says:

    Hello? I see the 1984 Olympic Games are being held in Los Angeles. I wonder if Daley Thompson’s going to do well in the Decathlon? And will the Soviets boycott the games?

  44. Edna Welthorpe Says:

    I’m only after Napoleon for the money, you know. And the fact that he probably dresses up like Roger Moore in The Wild Geese as foreplay.

  45. Napoleon Says:

    Edna – You mucky bugger.

    *adjusts beret*

  46. beth Says:

    I read it as “the BBC’s ‘one-to-punch’ list”.
    Didn’t think you’d get much disagreement with that.

  47. Napoleon Says:

    Mr. H – I have it on good authority that you’ve starred in a little-known film called ‘Bull-Dick Sledgehammer’s Ass To Mouth Smackdown’. If my source is correct, it’s YOUR ass and YOUR mouth Mr. Sledgehammer’s smacking down on. You’re a fat, Scotch disgrace.

  48. Mr H Says:


    I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of said film, as the eighties remain a distant blur of speed, drink, the Far East and a series of Super-8 cameras.

    Fortunately, being the richest Scotchman alive, I simply bought Thailand and burnt it. Better to be safe than sorry.

    Can’t argue with the “fat, Scotch disgrace” comment, even if it does make me a hero to every other Scotchman. It’s what we’re bred for.

  49. Napoleon Says:

    You’re only rich because you people are careful with your money. Careful enough, I might add, to always make a swift exit when it’s your round at the bar. Bastards, the lot of you. Even your kids.

  50. Mr H Says:

    You’ll be delighted to know that my bastard offspring is now of an age where he has made it his mission to hunt me down, trap me in a lead coffin and drop me in the Atlantic trench.

    My round is it? Hang on, I’ve just to nip out to the cash machine…makes swift exit…

  51. Napoleon Says:

    I saw Denzil, Trigger and Mike from The Nag’s Head begging in the street the other day. John Sullivan never thought about that when he sat up there in his ivory tower made from gold, writing shit stories about Boycie and his awful wife.

  52. Mr H Says:

    Even worse, Trigger has ended up in a “sit-com” with Hyacinth Bouquets husband and Jane Asher.

    I still would. Jane Asher, that is.

  53. Nick of the T Says:

    I’m jealous that people answer you on Twitter. When I “tweet”, it’s like shouting down an empty piss soaked alley.

  54. ugeine Says:

    Fourstar: I’d watch that. For extra mirth, they could include Razlorlight’s ‘before I fall to pieces’ as the montage music.

  55. Napoleon Says:

    Mr H – Typical bloody behaviour, that. How the pub trade survives in Scotchland is a bloody mystery to me. Oh, wait a minute … it’s because you buggers’d sell your own mother into slavery for a drink, isn’t it?

    And thanks for Gordon Brown, by the way. It’s like living in the ’70s now, thanks to that bastard. Bring back Maggie Thatcher, I say. Thatcher – The Hammer Of The Scotch (and everyone else).

  56. Nick of the T Says:

    Mike from the Kings Head died about 6 years ago. How was he looking Naps?

  57. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Hey..we have been a bit silent about the New Minder. Can’t say I think it is much good, a bit too contrived and not very funny. Nonetheless the original Minder did take a bit of time to get going, though I do not see this new one picking up in the same way. Thoughts anybody?

  58. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – I quickly came to the conclusion that Twitter is a a fuckwitted load of arse for arseholes who like licking celebrity’s arseholes up their arseholes. And it’s a lie. What these people should be writing (if they weren’t lying) is this:

    I’m writing this on Twitter
    I’m writing this on Twitter
    I’m writing this on Twitter
    I’m writing this on Twitter
    I’m writing this on Twitter
    I’m writing this on Twitter


  59. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – He was looking a bit rangey, now you come to mention it. I didn’t look too closely, as I despise the homeless.

    DINLT – I don’t think it’ll get any better because it’s missing two very important elements:

    George Cole
    Dennis Waterman

  60. Mr H Says:

    Nappy – I’d ask my mother, but she mysteriously vanished last May, just before capitalism went tits up.

    Pa Broon – is our way of saying thanks for Thatcher.

    New Minder – based solely on the trailer I saw last week seems like utter, utter keech. Perhaps they could bring in an unemployable Irish cartoonist as script editor. That should up the tits content.

  61. Edna Welthorpe Says:

    I can only agree. There’s one arselicker of my acquaintance who seems to love the fact that he’s ‘friends’ with a number of so-called slebs. Here’s the news, mate.


    *looks guilty as she friends Alan Carr. Hilarious*

  62. Nick of the T Says:

    There are many arselickers, mainly women. I am having a twitter cull this week

  63. Mr H Says:

    That’s odd? I seem to recall from my time in a Far Eastern jail that most people who were into tossing the salad seemed very much of the male persuasion.

  64. Napoleon Says:

    The only reason I would want to make friends with a celebrity is so I could conclusively beat them in an arm-wrestle, then rub my victory in their faces. I might even go so far as to moonie the buggers – pointing at my arse and saying,

    “How’s them onions suiting you, eh?”

    Actors would get this treatment the most as they’re pompous fuckwits who try to convince you that playing pretend for six months of the year is ‘hard work’*.

    *Exempt from this: the cast of The Wild Geese, Kelly’s Heroes, The Three Musketeers, Casino Royale and Force 10 From Navarone**.
    **And John Wayne.

  65. Edna Welthorpe Says:

    @ Napoleon: Swoon

  66. Mr H Says:

    Wasn’t John Wayne of them gays?

    And I sincerely hope that it’s the David Niven Casino Royale you’re referring to, or I might have to make another border incursion.

  67. Mr H Says:

    Sorry, “one of them gays”

  68. Napoleon Says:

    Edna – Get up, woman! There’s tea needs making!

    Mr. H – Was he balls one of them gays (not that there’s … etc.)! He was a ladies’ man, a drinker and an Injun killer back in the days before that was racist. Gay, my arse*.

    *But don’t gay my arse (not that … etc.)

  69. Napoleon Says:

    And of course I meant the Niven Casino Royale. What the hell kind of idiot do you take me for. That Daniel Craig would get the arm-wrestling / moonieing treatment along with all the other ponces of the acting profession.

    When , I wonder, is some right-minded citizen going to rig each audience-member’s seat at the Oscars with remote-triggered cow shit bombs? Hmm?

  70. Mr H Says:

    Thanks for clearing that up. I think it was the whole “bloke called Marion” thing that had me confused. But not confused that way. Not that there’s anything wrong with being confused that way.


    Shit bombs! Quality idea.

    …checks pants just in case…

  71. breeks Says:

    charlton heston? gayer? gayer with a gun.

  72. Napoleon Says:

    I’d love to see the creme-de-la-creme of Hollywood acting talent getting showered in cow shit.

    My other ideas for how to punish the acting profession are:

    Hot air balloons dumping rotten bird carcases onto outdoor celebrity weddings.
    Aftershow parties ruined by grenades filled with jism.
    Excrement hidden in those freebie hand-out bags the millionaire bastards get for nothing.
    Something involving innards full of all dog dirt. Dog shit sausages, probably …

  73. Mr H Says:

    Moses! A gay!


    Next you’ll be telling me Jesus was a Jew.

  74. Napoleon Says:

    Charlton Heston wasn’t gay (not that there’s blah blah blah). He was a rugged, outdoors type who liked shooting shit up with his rifle. Nothing wrong with that, Breeks, you barmy, loony-leftie, Guardian-reading boob who’d have us all slung in gulags drinking turnip water if you had half the chance.

  75. Napoleon Says:

    I reckon I’m the new Jesus. I’m not as holy as the old Jesus because I like tits and pornography and smoking too much. And I’ve performed no miracles save reaching thirty three and still being alive despite being … well … let’s be honest, a drunkard.

    But I’m still probably Jesus.

  76. extremelisteningmode Says:

    He annoyed me initially, but I do like his material. There are worse out there than him, and as a mainstream comic, he’s fine.

  77. Mr H Says:

    That’s a relief! Last thing we want is the gays with guns. Not that there’s anything wrong with blokes running around with trigger fingers wrapped round a hot, hard piece, waiting for it to go off in their hands.

    Or shooting.

  78. Mr H Says:

    extremelisteningmode Says:

    “He annoyed me initially, but I do like his material. There are worse out there than him, and as a mainstream comic, he’s fine.”

    I preferred him when He was wandering in the desert getting tempted by the Devil with his red hot poker.

  79. breeks Says:

    no one should eat turnip water.

    i do read the guardian, it’s true. i like the recipes. then i go out to an over-priced gourmet deli to buy locally sourced, organic ingredients and then return to my multi-story end of terrace home in west london to cook in my bespoke european-designed kitchen. then i sit down at my one-off dining table made of the 300yr old oak beams of an early-christian church, supping at a 2003 chateau de ampois whilst playing with remotely controlled lighting and stereo system.

    i do all this whilst looking really smug.

  80. Napoleon Says:

    For my money you don’t get a better Jesus than Robert Powell. He’s in Holby City nowadays, and he made such a convincing Jesus I still find myself thinking, whoa, better not annoy Jesus there, Nurse Jackson, He has magical powers given unto Him by His father, The Lawd Gawd Awmighty. So far he’s not used these powers – not even when his missus died in a car crash, or when Richard Briars turned up as a ghost and stopped Nigel off of EastEnders from killing himself at Christmas*.

    *This actually happened.

  81. Mr H Says:

    Is that hot redhead nurse who likes like a bit of a goer, the one that got her kit off on the Lady Godiva film still in it? I’d do her and Jane Asher. At the same time. In a totally non-sexist, Grauniad reader type way, obviously. With crème brulee.

  82. Napoleon Says:

    Maria? She’s still in it, yes. Though if I were given the run of the Holby City stable, my filly of choice would be the delectable Connie Beauchamp. She’s a temper on her like you wouldn’t bloody believe, but I’ll wager my wife’s knickers she goes like the clappers out of the traps.

    None of that was sexist.

  83. Who Says:

    or when Richard Briars turned up as a ghost and stopped Nigel off of EastEnders from killing himself at Christmas*.

    It really happened? I thought I’d dreamt this as nobody would believe me.

    By the way Nappers, I’m scoffing my way through a box of superior French chocolates, sent as a gift from our suppliers. All the way from France. I expect I shall soon feel sick, mainly for being a vile traitor.

  84. Mr H Says:

    Ah, see, I used to have a thing for Connie, but then I found out her real life Dad was a poet, and my todger ran for cover. It’s just wrong.

  85. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Ha, ha..harsh but quite funny.

  86. Napoleon Says:

    Who – It did happen because I saw it with these eye things I have in my head. As a stand-alone, knockabout bit of fluff it would have been OK. It was the fact this weird Christmas ghost story resolved a Holby plotline that had been going on for six months that made it completely bizarre.

    As for your choice of chocolates, I’ll begrudgingly concede that the French occasionally stop wolfing down offal and throwing down their guns at the first sign of a swastika for long enough to come up with some nice puddings and sweets.

    That said, a box of Thornton’s finest would beat your fancy foreign chocolates in an arm-wrestling competition any day.

  87. Napoleon Says:

    Mr H – Can’t be doing with poets or poetry at all (exempting dirty limericks, o’course). In the Nazi-like future dictatorship the likes of Breeks mistakenly think the Tories will usher in when they’re elected, I hope for an edict that sees them put up against a wall and machine-gunned. Then I want to see their poems burned. Being Nazis, this is no doubt what we can look forward to from Herr Cameron and his boys.

  88. Nick of the T Says:

    Just managed to scoff (word of the day?) a packet of almonds and a pack of pecans…..oh dear….

  89. Who Says:

    By way of showing my thanks, I’m sending them over a multi pack of Walkers ‘Do Us A Flavour’ crisps in return. Oh, yes. That’ll show ’em who REALLY knows how to do fancy cuisine.

  90. Napoleon Says:

    They’ll no doubt turn their enormous noses up at your gift, Who. Gratitude is not a French speciality, after all. It’s been what? Sixty odd years and they still haven’t got round to saying thank you for that little bit of trouble we bailed ’em out of in the ’40s? Those bastards.

  91. breeks Says:

    NC – i like that in one comment i’m a guardian-reading hippie and the next i’m a dictatorship-supporting tory.

    well rounded, me.

  92. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – I wasn’t saying you were a Tory. I said your sort (liberal, ‘elf ‘n’ safety-mad, politically-correct busybodies) think the next Tory government will plunge Britain into a Nazi-style dicatorship because they’re all right-wing fascists.

    *smokes in bus shelter*
    *gets arrested*

  93. Napoleon Says:

    My big toe’s started hurting.

  94. Nick of the T Says:

    Best ever spider. Hawaiian happy faced spider

  95. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Can I just give kudos to whoever used the word ‘scoffing’ in a post earlier. I didn’t think that word exised outwith the Beano.

  96. Napoleon Says:

    That spider’s both delightful and vile all at once.

  97. breeks Says:

    NC – i’ll have you know i am sitting in a really, really unergonomic chair at work, yeah, and i drank my coffee from a non-insulated cup and also used a stapler today without the proper permit. i’m wild. fuck off.

  98. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – Unfortunately, your behaviour has been duly noted and filed by one of the many New Labour CCTV cameras trained on your position. Expect an £80 fine within the next few days.

  99. Who Says:

    That’s both a ‘cripes’ and a ‘scoffing’ for me today, ELM. Here’s my ‘Gnasher’ badge*

    *actual badge, not a euphemism

  100. Napoleon Says:

    Fucking hell. There’s an advert on the radio that’s voiced by Jane Horrocks, jokingly reminding you that if you don’t register your car as sold or off the road with the DVLA, you’re still liable for the tax and all the wonderful financial penalties that entails. It’s a threat, basically, but a threat wrapped up in a cuddlesome Lancashire voice chuckling away. A comedy threat.

    I like this new way of threatening people. I see an advert where a clown bounces on screen, pours a bucket of whitewash down his trousers, turns to the screen and says,

    “Ho ho! If you don’t pay your television licence …”

    HONK! HONK! HONK! (That’s his trumpet)

    “… we’ll send you to prison!”


  101. breeks Says:

    that ad’s a bit like what we do with our families. we send them lovely intensive outreach workers who say, ‘poor you, victimised by the police, ripped off by benefits, abused by children’s social care…let me help’ and when the families say, ‘fuck off’ we hit ’em with the law.

    oh yes.

  102. Who Says:

    I liked the Tesco’s one Horrocks did with Sybil Fawlty, ‘this trout looks sullen’. Presumably she’s now too gruesome for our screens, so she’s stuck doing voiceovers.

  103. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – Why don’t you knock that first bit on the head and go straight to the hitting ’em with the law bit? I would if I was a social worker. Mind you, if I was a social worker, half the country would be given over to workhouses full of kids I’d removed from their families because I didn’t care for the attitude of the parents.

    Who – It’s all celebrities now, isn’t it? Hoskins lying to me that that shitty packet of fat I can see on the screen is just the same as the prime rashers of finest smoked back bacon I get from my butcher’s.

    The worst ones for my money were those appalling John Cleese Sainsbury’s adverts. Another nail in his comedy coffin, alas, alas …

  104. breeks Says:

    nc – i work in a project i helped develop where we now work with ‘families at risk’ so they have to be real shitbags to their kids, to themselves, or to the neighbourhoods they live in before we give a toss.

    having said all that, we have a nice policeman on staff. he can help sometimes.

  105. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – That all sounds very noble. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to help my fellow man by enrolling in one of Britain’s fine public services … then I light an enormous cigar from a flaming £50 note, adjust the massage speed on my gold-framed throne and throw another couple of darts at my collection of Monets, and forget all about it.

  106. breeks Says:

    we find that most of the problematic families are white english and tend to exist on a diet of purely british foodstuffs.

  107. Napoleon Says:

    That’s because white British folk are brutal monstrosities spoiling for a fight. There’s no better evidence for this being a genetic trait of our island’s inhabitants than the rather large Empire we carved out for ourselves.

    Anyway. Your average white Britisher actually exists on a wide and multi-cultural range of foodstuffs – chicken tikka masala, sweet and sour chicken and egg fried rice, frozen pizza, tins of ravioli. That’s India’s, China’s and Italy’s finest added to their menus for a start. Or don’t those count because you can’t buy them from an overpriced delicatessen?

  108. breeks Says:

    yes. only families who shop at tesco (at a pinch), netto or aldi qualify for our service.

    british produced chicken tikka masala is a high risk indicator for anti-social behaviour, as it happens.

  109. Napoleon Says:

    Is it? What about Chicken Madras, garlic naan and two chapatis?

  110. breeks Says:

    we refer those types straight to the parole board (adults) and foster care (children), along with doner kebabs and kfc 3-piece packs.

  111. Napoleon Says:

    I love doner kebabs, me. Does that mean if I have kids I’m going to beat ’em? I was planning on doing that anyway (spare the rod, and all that …), but it would be nice to have a reason for my behaviour.

  112. breeks Says:

    yeah. if you could profess a love for jebus at the same time you’ll probably reserve your place in heaven whilst chewing on a chili kebab.


  113. Napoleon Says:

    The only Jesus I like is the Robert Powell version. Does that count, like?

  114. Nick of the T Says:

    Now he (Robert Powell) is playing another healer…


  115. Napoleon Says:

    He is, Nick. A healer in the best television show ever made. And if you disagree with me about that, may your innards fill with horse manure, and may your belches then stink of horse manure for the rest of your lives.


  116. Nick of the T Says:


  117. Badger Madge Says:

    I should hate everything about him, but I actually find him hilarious.


  118. piqued Says:

    I didn’t see this post yesterday,

    Used to HATE him until I saw his DVD. It’s very, very good. Hard to be clean and funny these days.

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