Garry Eastenders BBC

Are the scriptwriters that write Phil and Peggy and Pat and Jack and Max on holiday at the moment? I only ask because EastEnders has given itself over to storylines featuring what you could describe as its ‘light-relief B-team’ recently.

We’ve had a strange evening of farcical misunderstandings in the curry house involving Minty, Garry, the utterly pointless yet lovely-looking Dawn, Heather, Ricky and Bianca; we’ve had a peculiar non-suicide storyline involving Garry going on holiday to Spain and not telling anyone; we’ve had Heather and the cadaverous Shirley stalking George Michael (with Heather falling off a wall in a comically fat fashion); and we’ve got a strange Carry On film going on at the moment in the shape of the Masouds and the Beales going into the catering business with each other. There’s even been food fights! Food fights with Christian – EastEnders’ very own Kenneth Williams – sneering and giggling in the background.

Any minute now I’m expecting Peggy’s tits to pop out. Well … tit. Let’s not forget she’s one tit down after catching the cancer a few years back.

What’s going on? Wasn’t there some bad blood between Max and his brother? Have there been no further developments in the five yearly Dot-murdering plot? Wasn’t Tania’s daughter accused of something?

Apparently not. Instead we’ve had two weeks of pratfalls, fuck ups, food fights, mishaps and comedy Humpty Dumpty recreations. You mark my words, if this continues it’ll be custard pies and collapsible motor cars next.

What happened to the spirit-crushing drudgery? Where’s the woe? Why has EastEnders turned into a 1970s West End farce? What’s going on?


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231 Responses to “EastEnders”

  1. fourstar Says:

    I fucking hate Eastenders. Just so you know.

  2. ugeine Says:

    They were more surreal then anything, Sky Mangel and Boyd following some guy ala Ghostworld, and Janene and one of Susan’s kids acting out some horrible soap opera style play acting to get rid of a troublesome soap opera actor boyfriend of libby’s.

    I guess if you spend your days writing people falling off cliffs you want a bit of a laugh.

  3. Swineshead Says:

    I think everyone here, apart from me and NC, does.

  4. ugeine Says:

    *This was a common theme in Neighbours as well, every so often the B stars would take over with some supposedly hilarious storylines.

    Was supposed to be at the top. Damned ctrl c & v.

  5. ugeine Says:

    I think everyone here, apart from me and NC, does.

    Hate it with a passion.

  6. breeks Says:

    i fucking hate eastenders too. actually, all british soaps.

    all of them.

    they’re miserable and rainy.


  7. Nick of the T Says:

    Nothing would persuade me to watch East of Enders.

  8. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    It’s complete rubbish!

  9. Napoleon Says:

    I fucking hate EastEnders, blah blah, blah. I don’t see how it’s possible to hate something that has had thousands of different storylines, hundreds of different characters and that changes all the time. It’s like saying you hate stories full stop. That’s a lot of hate.

    Anyway, speaking of Neighbours: Libby Kennedy changed into a different person halfway through the day. In Monday’s episode she was the woman who plays Libby Kennedy, but on Tuesday’s she was someone else. Apparently the original actress suffered a collapsed lung, so they got someone else in to fill her shoes while she recovers. I don’t think this has ever happened before in any soap ever.

  10. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Scott Robinson changed too. What happened to Max and Shane?

  11. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Lucy Robinson as well…

  12. Napoleon Says:

    DINLT – Did this Scott fella change over the course of a day? That’s what’s happened here. Over the course of two episodes set on the same day, she was one person in the morning, and a completely different person by the afternoon.

  13. Swineshead Says:

    They’re just not following the rules today, Nappers.


  14. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Not over the course of the day, no. I concur, this is probably soap opera history and could be a future pub quiz question.

  15. Clarry Says:

    Add me to the list of shame SH. I heart ‘Stenders too (although it has gone downhill a bit of late).

  16. Mel Says:

    NC, they did that in Summer Bay too many moons ago – with Pippa. One minute she had blonde hair and was quite short, and then she turned to do some washing up and when she turned around from the sink she was an entirely different woman, with dark hair, and she was about a foot taller. Nothing was ever mentioned as to why this was, and then the new Pippa stayed for years and years. It was very odd

  17. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – It’s forever going downhill. Then it goes up again and then down again. The downs are almost always ushered in by the arrival of the dreaded Queen Vic five-a-side football team.

  18. Mel Says:

    Oh, and my name is Mel, and i hate Eastenders.

    What rules are these SH?

  19. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – So it’s an Australian thing, is it? Weird.

  20. breeks Says:

    they did it with flynn in h&a as well.

    actually, it seems as though it happens a lot in oz.

    short attention spans. or lack of botheredness.

  21. Mel Says:

    Well, they all look the same don’t they? I expect they think they can get away with it a lot easier over there.

  22. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Blue Peter anyone?

  23. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Did they change the Kangaroo in Skippy too?

  24. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    According to wikipedia Skippy was played by at least three different kangaroos.

  25. Mel Says:

    Yeah, and the Andrex puppy is not the same one either

  26. Mel Says:

    Come to think of it, neither is the Milky Bar Kid.

  27. Swineshead Says:

    Mel – there are actually no rules on this site – apart from no racism/sexism/homophobia (I have a list for both of worst offenders – naturally Dave sits atop all three). If these are flouted people get snotty emails.

    Or, if they wish AIDS upon people and are generally disagreeable, I block them. Only happened twice.

  28. Swineshead Says:

    Clarry – re: Easties – I knew we could count on you.

    I rather enjoyed seeing Garry sipping a pint in ‘France’. As if you can get a pint in France without begging them to dig you out a decent sized vessel….

  29. Mel Says:

    Oh that’s good then. I remember the Tombstone one.

    I thought you blocked Dave for a bit for being the worst female impersonator on the internets. Actually, come to think of it, that is a pretty impressive feat…

  30. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Swines, he may have taken his own pint glass with him on holiday as any self respecting Englishman would do…eh Nap?

  31. ugeine Says:

    Different characters and storylines? You’ve got to be kidding right? It’s like WWE, with slightly less improvisation and faked fighting.

  32. Badger Madge Says:

    not watched enders in ages, then tuned in late sunday and last night and it’s suddenly turned into corrie.


  33. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – How do you know, seeing as you don’t watch it?

  34. Swineshead Says:

    I like Eastenders because you can second-guess the scriptwriters as you watch it. And you can predict the outcome of every thread and usually get it absolutely right. In uncertain economic times, that kind of predictability is a comfort.

  35. Badger Madge Says:

    I see your point SH but there comes a time (much like what happened with Heat magazine and me) where you’re watching it (or flicking thru its pages) and you see yet another not-hilarious Minty/Gary gurn or yet yet yet another Dot murder plot (or Kerry Katona mother row/Posh too thin ‘news’ item) and you end up wondering, “What am I doing with my life?

    WHAT. AM. I DOING?!”

  36. Napoleon Says:

    That said, I bet you never saw the decision to turn the moon-faced, acne-scarred Janine into a sex-bomb sex temptress coming.

  37. Badger Madge Says:

    My brain hurts.

  38. Swineshead Says:

    I tend to smash my nose in with a hammer when my brain hurts.

  39. fourstar Says:

    @Napoleon: ugeine didn’t say he didn’t watch it, just that he hated it.

    (He is a he, is he?)

  40. Mr H Says:

    I don’t watch Eastenders, as the BBC has failed to come up with any subtitling for Scotch viewers, so have no idea what the hell they’re talking aboot. However, a couple of weeks back I did spot a circus fat lady and an ugly transgender* falling over in George Michaels back garden** whilst channel hopping.***

    I assumed it was part of the Equality and Diversity season on BBC4 that we’re all legally compelled to watch, but suspect it may have been one of the comedy episodes Perry is babging on aboot.

    * As opposed to the accidentally having sex with them in Thailand sort, who’re perfectly acceptable
    **Not a euphemism
    *** I was channel hopping, they were on the tellybox.

  41. Napoleon Says:

    What’s this ‘@Napoleon’ business all about? It’s like you’re flinging comments at me as if they’re missiles, Fourstar.

  42. breeks Says:

    badgermadge – yeah. me too.

  43. Swineshead Says:

    Nappers – it’s Twitter than influenced the ‘@’ thing, I believe.

  44. fourstar Says:

    @Napoleon: Sorry, I forgot this wasn’t teh l33t h4X0Rs LOLZ!!!111 (or maybe I use Twitter too much).

    Oh look, I’ve done it again.

  45. Napoleon Says:

    Oh, right.

  46. Swineshead Says:

    Anyone see Boys & Girls Alone last night?

    I loved the sequence with the most comical of the boys going MENTAL because he hadn’t been fed, using a raised fist and overheard aggressive phrases to try and get a burger. Glorious television, that was.

  47. piqued Says:

    I’ve noticed this @wotnot in the past week. I’m thinking that I’m getting to quite like it

    *gets wood*

  48. Excelsior! Says:

    Im a Stenders fan too.

    You dont watch it for originality, or quality of acting. You watch it because no matter how shit your life is, at least you’re not Billy Mitchell.

    Havn’t watched any of that Boys & Girls thing out of fear i may be later called to give evidence in a court of law.

  49. Swineshead Says:

    Excelsior… I think watching kids on TV is ok. Unless it’s on iPlayer – then you’ve crossed a line.

  50. breeks Says:

    last night i watched oz and james flirt at one another over cider and shitty english wine.

    then i watched masterchef which is a bit shit this time around.

    then i finished a bottle of red and fell asleep in front of family guy.

    then i went to bed.

  51. Excelsior! Says:

    Watched Horizon, with Hey Science Is Cool presenter Brian Cox.

    He seems to be the face of Beeb Science theses days. Presumably Patrick Moore looks to much like Jabba the Hut for prime time.

  52. jasespace Says:

    Ways to make EastEnders better –

    Executing Hevver, Mintuy, Garrrrrry, Christian and Mr Massoood.

    Job done.

    If we want a bit of light relief, we’ll watch Crimewatch.

  53. piqued Says:

    ‘If we want a bit of light relief, we’ll watch Crimewatch.’

    I wank

  54. Mel Says:

    Piqued, that seems to be your default position, to be fair!

  55. piqued Says:

    That is Fair Mel

    I’m doing it


  56. ugeine Says:

    I am most def a ‘He’. It’s a bit pointless addressing it, but I” be damned if I go down Dave Avenue.

    And I do watch it, occasionally. My flatmate likes watching The Bill, Enders and etc so on. I can never be arsed to commit to memory the names, faces, storylines as I like to save my brain space for more interesting things, such as friends quotes and so on.

    I never watched it (apart from once in a blue moon) before about 2 – 3 months ago, which is where nap. might be getting confused.

  57. piqued Says:

    @nappers, what are you wearing?

  58. Napoleon Says:

    ‘Once in a blue moon’ isn’t compatible with ‘never’, Ugeine. You bum-brained wastrel.

  59. ugeine Says:

    Shit, my comments directly below Piqued’s.

    Try not to get it covered in jizz?

  60. Clarry Says:

    I find it strange when a person (namely my mother) says that she finds Eastenders ridiculous, yet Coronation Street is unmissable.

    What’s the difference? Actually now I think of it, everything’s different… I hate Coronation Street with it’s demonstrations down the Red Rec, the sausage competitions and the squirrels in the roof bollocks. NB these storylines are about 25 million years old, as I haven’t watched it for quite some time.

  61. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – An old pair of jeans, a t-shirt and an Edmonds-style jumper the missus got me for Christmas.

    Am I turning you on?

  62. Napoleon Says:

    I find Coronation Street a bit too comical. I don’t hate it, mind. I hate enough things as it is.

  63. Mel Says:

    He really wants you Nappers. The sexual tension is more than when that one in Eastenders that has been there longer than all the others was trying to pull the bunny boiling one

    I think have got an attack of the vapours

  64. Napoleon Says:

    Well he can bugger off, Mel. I’m not entertaining the perverted fantasies of a broken-backed, short-sighted old fart.

  65. Mel Says:

    Well, some would have to get it where they can NC.

    You clearly have chemistry

  66. Mr H Says:

    Did someone mention bottom banditry? I’d dozed off, but my bum-radar suddenly went off.

  67. Napoleon Says:

    Chemistry, bedamned!

  68. breeks Says:

    be respectful to the gayers.

  69. Mel Says:

    Nappers, be kind, it is like watching a young teen with his first crush. You need to treat him gently, or he will be reaching for the paracetamol.

  70. Napoleon Says:

    Unless you’re heavily religious, Breeks. Then you should condemn them all to the flames of HADES.

  71. breeks Says:

    nc – i grew up in a house wallpapered with the thin leaves of the bible and all that it contained. i smell like god.

    actually i might be god.

    but i won’t condemn the gayers.

  72. Napoleon Says:

    To hell with my health! I’ve just eaten a Matheson’s Garlic Sausage, a packet of Herta Frankfurters and a big block of farmhouse cheddar for my lunch.

  73. Mel Says:

    Where are your carbs NC?

  74. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – Are you religious now? If you are, it’s your bible-bound duty to condemn the gayers to a fiery eternity of torment. Not being religious m’self, I don’t have to. Which is nice.

  75. Napoleon Says:

    Carbs? Nope, doesn’t ring a bell.

    Someone on the radio’s just said:

    “If you don’t know where your child is when they’re eight years old, then you should be locked up.”

    I’m living in a parallel fucking universe.

  76. ugeine Says:

    parallel fucking?

  77. breeks Says:

    nc – of course i’m not. the harder you are pushed towards all that is righteous, baptised and badly dressed the further you must run from it.

    i just have a leftover aura of go(o)dliness.

  78. Mel Says:

    Yes, carbs – you know crisps and sweet stuff (or pasta and rice/ potatoes).

    Surely there are some cheese n onion in that line up.

  79. Napoleon Says:

    Another one said they were planning to get their kid a mobile when he’s finally allowed out on his own. He doesn’t need one now because he’s nine. I was going backwards and forwards between Lincolnshire and Yorkshire on the National Express on my own when I was nine.

    Mind you, things are different nowadays*.

    *Yes, parents have turned into morons in the space of one generation.

  80. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – It’s sausages I want, not these carbs things. You sound like one of those health weirdos.

  81. Mel Says:

    The parents of our generation have turned into a nation of mollycoddling overindulgent idiots. If i got into trouble, i had to sort it out myself, and was allowed to play outside and go horseriding and get myself into all manner of scrapes. If i was in the wrong, my mother would make me apologise publicly, and i had to be nearly dead before i was let off school.

    I do not understand what turned our generation into people so afraid of peadophiles and germs and whatnot that kids are no longer allowed anywhere unaccompanied. Someone should tell them that there are more incidences of accidents and peadophilia in the home than there ever is outside of it.

  82. Mel Says:

    NC, you deserve the bowels that you are proud of claiming are so rotten! No crisps with garlic sausage – pah!

    Mind you, I will let you learn for yourself, and not try to monitor every calorie on its way through your intestine. Unlike parents of today, who would be expecting each molecule to have had a CRB check first.

  83. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – It’s not everyone, to be fair. There are a lot of Asian families where I live, and their kids – be they four, five or whatever – are out and about enjoying the freedom they’re entitled to. The white kids, on the other hand, can be seen staring mournfully out of their windows – prisoners to their parents’ ridiculous fears. It’s all very sad.

  84. Mel Says:

    And my mum also made me learn to spell by myself.

    Sorry, I should have done a better job of it.

  85. Mel Says:

    I agree NC, it is desperately sad. And is now being extended to the fact that kids cannot take responsibility for themselves at all any more.

  86. Napoleon Says:

    I’ll learn when the doctor points to the tumour on my x-ray, Mel. Then, when the Grim Reaper starts tapping on my window, I’ll chuckle at the thought that healthy types like you have twenty years of slowly going mad, chucking up their own turds and having someone else wiping their arses for them to look forward to.

  87. breeks Says:

    during school holidays my mum used to kick us out no later than 9am, lock the door, and not unlock it till 5pm. fact.

    it was tops, except for the getting hungry at lunch bit. we had bikes, a weir, a river, a gang of mates, skateboards and a reckless desire to hoon at top speed.

  88. Mel Says:

    Well, apart from the fact that she should have kicked you out with a packed lunch, or at least 50p for some chips or something, that is exactly what good parenting is all about breeks.

  89. Napoleon Says:

    Kids? Taking responsibility? They’re far too young! We can’t have them making decisions … not until they’re at least seventeen.

    I’ve just been reminded of a lady on the radio who was telling Jeremy Vine about the impromptu childcare group she’d started up when the snow was here. She was looking after kids of all ages, including two sixteen year olds. I would have battered my mother to death if she’d left me with a child minder when I was sixteen.

  90. Mel Says:

    Ugh, i cannot stand radio phone ins. The kind of ill informed twits that chose to spend their phone bill on that absolutely make my flaming teeth itch. And my piss boil.

  91. ugeine Says:

    Sixteen? Sixteen?

  92. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – That sounds like all our childhoods. Get out, and don’t come back until your tea’s ready. It was ace. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be a kid now – never allowed anywhere unless mummy’s there. There was one boy on the news whose mother followed him about whenever he was outside. He was fourteen.

    Still, what did every other generation of parents that came before this lot know about how to properly bring up kids, eh? This one’s got the right idea. Frighten them into thinking everything’s dangerous, never allow them to make their own mistakes, never give them the slightest hint of the independence that’s every child’s right, never allow them to explore the world around them on their own terms … NEVER LET THEM OUT OF YOUR SIGHT! IT’S DANGEROUS OUT THERE!

  93. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – Yes, sixteen. Marriage age. Army age. School leaving age. Beyond fucking belief.

  94. Napoleon Says:

    Where’s Swineshead gone? Swineshead? Did you get that picture?

    Hmmm … probably out pecking at breadcrumbs in the park …

  95. Mel Says:

    Unless his mum thought that it was a bit dangerous NC

  96. breeks Says:

    the thing i hate even more than the over-protectiveness is the message every (esp middle class) child is given that they are/is/should:-

    (pick some or all of the following)

    your best is the best
    never give up
    a gift to the world in general.

    in fact most kids are ugly, dumb, completely lacking in talen and shouldn’t bother starting anything in order to avoid the having to give it up bit.

    i hate it. what’s wrong with being ordinary. you know, functional. who wants to be doing xfactor auditions at 40 saying, post-rejection, ‘i’ll still follow my dream, i know this is what i’m meant to do, my mum says i’m a great singer’ before wobbling away into the middle-distance back to a low-slung bungalow in the west midlands.



  97. Swineshead Says:

    Arf. I’m working on Jeremy Kyle.

    Not like that.

  98. Napoleon Says:

    Obviously his mother thought it was a bit dangerous, Mel. Because she was a fucking moron. If memory serves, isn’t the statistic exactly the same as it always has been? That a child is most likely to suffer physical, sexual or mental abuse in their own home?

    I can only see these odds changing if you enrol your young boy in Catholic seminary school.

  99. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – That annoys me more than it should too. I’m of an age where just about everyone I know has kids, and they’re all the most special, talented, well-behaved, wonderful children you’ll ever meet. And then you turn and look at this snot-nosed little shit, fucking about in a pool of its own dribble after spending all day giving other kids dead legs at school and wonder what drugs the parents are on.

  100. Mel Says:

    I agree Breeks, there really is only enough room for a few talents in the world, be it singing or smarts.

    Another thing that got my piss boiling was Tony Blair announcing that he thought that up to 80% of school leavers should go to university. No they fucking shouldn’t, and some of them don’t even want to. I just missed it, but when i used to have to interview people it was obvious the ones that had scraped a degree in meeja or something, and then felt entitled to be given jobs as engineers and so on.

    Quite a lot of things boil my piss, on reflection.

  101. Mel Says:

    NC – sadly yes. Statistically far more likely to suffer abuse of all kinds, and death from drowning in the home.

  102. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – But surely the world needs as many sociologists, psychologists, fine artists and media studies graduates as it can get, doesn’t it?

  103. Swineshead Says:

    Recently my nephew (1 year old) was being asked to show where various parts of his face were by pointing.

    *hesitantly grabs own ear*

    *sticks fist in wide open gob*

    *gloriously sticks index finger up hooter and produces 30cm long elastibogey*

    Good lad.

  104. Mel Says:

    Be that as it may be NC, they have no place applying for jobs as engineers. One guy actually rang me up to berate me after he received a lovely polite ‘thank you for your application, unfortunately you have been unsuccessful at this time, good luck for your future career’ letter. He demanded feedback, and was threatening a tribunal when i told him he did not have the requisite qualifications. The ones that were very clearly stated in the job spec.

    Fucking muppet. I bet he, like piqued avoided wiping his own arse before the age of 15.

  105. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Agree with all the childhood comments. Me too, out playing all the time, was allowed to take the bus on my own at seven (maybe less). And as you say the sad thing is the world is actually safer today. Mind you there is one thing that makes me mad is the term “yummy -mummy”. Take it from me most women in this country who aspire to this tag are usually ghastly people and perpetrators of the values you describe.

  106. Napoleon Says:

    My five year old cousin does a good line in snot. He’s also obsessed with guns and is apparently a right little bastard at school. Cannon fodder, that’s my prediction.

  107. Mel Says:

    Ah, sounds like he’ll go a long way SH. Bet he’ll end up in university.

  108. Napoleon Says:

    I loathe all that shit, DINLT. It infantilises women. You get adverts that say shit like,

    “Is your little snookums got a hurty-wurty in his belly-welly?”

    The advertisers seem to have forgotten they are adressing grown adults, and not the infants the products are for. Mothers were mothers in my day, not ‘mummys’ or ‘yummy-mummys’ or ‘mumsy-wumsy-flumpsy-dumpsys’. Fucking grow up.

  109. Mel Says:

    mumsy wumsy flumpsy dumpsys are those kind of women that cannot have children, and instead have lap dogs, surely NC?

  110. Napoleon Says:

    I’m beginning to see the line between small dogs and children blurring, Mel. They’re treated very similarly nowadays.

  111. breeks Says:

    small dogs are clearly better. they live much shorter lives and never speak.

  112. Mel Says:

    You’ll get no argument from me on that Nappers.

  113. Mel Says:

    Big dogs are better still breeks, cos they are not spoiled and irritable, and you don’t have to bend down to stroke ’em!

  114. Napoleon Says:

    I’m more of a medium sized dog person. Small enough to show it who’s boss, but big enough not to be mistaken for a rat on a string. Beagle size, something like that.

  115. breeks Says:

    if it comes to big dogs VS little dogs then big dogs win. agreed.

    when it comes to little dogs VS children i’ll spot for the dogs, thanks.

  116. Mel Says:

    Oh, don’t get me wrong, dogs win over children any single day of the week.

  117. Napoleon Says:

    If this was Sophie’s Choice and I was Sophie (and one of my kids was a mongrel), I’d hand over the kid to the Nazi at the train station, I’m afraid. It’s the way they look at you when they’ve just pissed all over your carpets …

  118. Mel Says:

    my ex boyfriend used to piss over the floor more frequently than my dog, who practically house trained himself. It is why, when i had a sophie’s choice (of sorts) of my very own, i got rid of the boyfriend and kept the dog.

  119. Napoleon Says:

    The one I had was a bugger for doing it all his life. It came from him coming from a squat where the bastards used to kick him about when he was a puppy. He’d piss out of fear, or when he thought you were going to go off on one. Even fighting him (I’m a man, therefore I fight dogs) could be misconstrued if you first didn’t signal your intentions that the forthcoming tussle was a knockabout jape.

  120. breeks Says:

    i will get rid of my boyfriend if i am not allowed to have a dog soon.

    i have to credit him with insisting that it’d be sensible if we (i) lived together and (ii) had a yard before we do.

    how annoying.

  121. Mel Says:

    Poor little bugger. Out of interest, what is the internationally recognised dog symbol for “don’t worry, I’m just joshing when i grab you by the scruff”?

  122. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t like this new thing YouTube’s done of telling you what a song is at the top of the box when the song is embedded on another site, by the way. Takes all the mystery out of clicking ‘play’ on folks’ blogs, Mind you, I’ve yet to press play and be anything other than disgusted at having my ears assaulted with shit. Still annoys me though …

  123. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – With Eric you had to fire him up so’s he’d launch at you (friendly like). I used to tap him on the side of the snout, he’d woof, then I’d tap the other side, he’d woof louder, another tap and he was lowered down on his front paws in that stance they do, tail wagging and that meant we were on for a bout of man v. dog floor wrestling and general good-natured tusslery (until he got carried away and tried eating my hand, usually). If you’d have grabbed him by the back of the neck, he’d have pissed all over the floor.

  124. breeks Says:

    eric is not a very doggy name, napoleon. more like a boyfriend’s name really.

    were you romantic with him? like the way roszser is with dogs? or differently, i’m not that fussed.

  125. Mel Says:

    Roszs gets frisky with dogs?

    That is a bit mean breeks, especially as she is not here to defend herself.

  126. breeks Says:

    i am not the only one who knows about roszs’s love for dogs. and brian blessed.

    it’s not mean, really.

    i know roszs in the Real World.

  127. Napoleon Says:

    The name ‘Eric’ suited him down to the ground, as it ‘appened, Breeks. He was a bit daft, and I’ve always thought ‘Eric’ was a daft name.

    I wasn’t romantic with him, no. We were a man and his dog combo – fighting, mucking about, getting into scrapes … that sort o’ thing.

    I miss that dog …

    *stares into space*

  128. Mel Says:

    Obviously i was hoping you would come up with the salcious details…

    Brian Blessed is a step too far though.

  129. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t see what the point of Brian Blessed is. What’s he for?

  130. breeks Says:

    nc – beards, mostly, from what i can tell.

  131. Mel Says:

    Shouting is what he is for Nappers. He has won the national and international town criers championships for the last 20 years. YOu can even hear him in space

  132. Napoleon Says:

    If I’d known you could make a living from shouting …

  133. Mel Says:

    But, as i said earlier, there is only room for so many talents in this world, and he has cornered the shouting market, I’m afraid.

  134. Napoleon Says:

    If there’s only room for so many talents, how the fuck did Timmy Mallet fit in? Is there a back door?

    I want to be famous, see? I want to be in all them magazines. Famous. Mmmmm … famous.

  135. Mel Says:

    I am sure you are famous on the internets, NC.

    Don’t worry we all think you are speshul

  136. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – I am. Massively famous. Someone informed me the other my name has been added to the list of contributers on Classic Rock magazine’s Wikipedia page. In light of this, I’d like you all to call me ‘Johnny Big-Time’ from now on.

    *waves flag in self-congratulation*

  137. breeks Says:

    maybe that could read *self flagellation*

    or should do.

  138. Mel Says:

    Or Mr Big Time to the likes of Dave…

  139. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – You’re just jealous because you haven’t reached my level of fame, you haven’t. I was sent a letter by the Society of Famous Types the other day telling me I’m now the 438,689,222,515th most famous living person on earth. You can’t buy that level of fame.

  140. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    I reckon Breeks is more famous than Nap.

  141. Napoleon Says:

    My only regret is I actually wanted to be famous in a Hitler / Stalin / Pol Pot sort of way. Alas, I will never get to commit genocide …

  142. breeks Says:

    ack. all those war-crimes people end up in metro, like wotsisface this morning, apologising and seeking forgiveness. very mediocre.

  143. Napoleon Says:

    DINLT – Is she? Is that according to the Society of Famous Types figures? If she is, that would make me the 438,689,222,5156th most famous living person on earth.

    *waits to adjust figure*

  144. Napoleon Says:

    Stalin was mediocre? I’m struggling to understand the logic behind that …

  145. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    yep, you have dropped 5001 places.

  146. Mel Says:

    DINLT – of course she is in culinary circles. Nappers doesn’t even know to have crisps with garlic sausage! In fact, Breeks is more famous than all of us

  147. Napoleon Says:

    DINLT – I’m going to have to appear in a magazine sporting two extra ounces of fat if I’m going to claw my way back to my previous place. Bugger.

  148. breeks Says:

    also i am related to a chili pepper.

    also i was named after a prostitute.

    also my ancestors were well big in war of the roses (not the film, the real one).

    ….no. that’s it.

  149. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Actually 4641 places.

  150. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve missed what Breeks is famous for. I thought she wiped arseholes in a nursing home for a living?

  151. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Who cares, it’s a dreadfully shit programme that’s about 15 years past its sell-by date.

  152. Clarry Says:

    Er, I think you’ll find i’m rather famous too…

    I starred in Box Pops c1988 – a weekly prog where they showed us kids talking shit after they asked us questions about things such as ‘Space’ or ‘Kings and Queens’. One week I remember saying that space was boring. Annoyingly I can’t find it on Youtube.

    Also my buggy was a hand me down from Damon Hill as his dad was friends with my grandpa. No wonder I have so many speeding points.

  153. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – Oh for fuck’s sake …

    *puts himself even lower down the list*

    Any more of this, and the bloke that unblocked our drains last week is going to be more famous than me.

  154. Clarry Says:

    Sorry NC…

    Don’t worry, it was fucking humiliating. They never really told us what we were doing, and I was too little to understand (well, I was 10, so I really should have had a bit more of an understanding). The bastards made us look like right thickets.

  155. Napoleon Says:

    My only brush with telly (apart from a walk-on part in a local news report about Lincoln’s Christmas market) was as an audience member briefly glimpsed at the start of some big-top circus entertainment show I was dragged to when I was about nine. If you ever come across it (and seeing as I have no idea what it was called, that’s unlikely), I’m the kid with the shit bowl haircut sitting next to a ginger-haired kid who’s looking disgusted at a red nose that’s just been passed to him by a clown. I am, but of course, picking my nose.

  156. Swineshead Says:

    I was in the studio audience of Vanessa immediately after smoking a bong. I looked all drawn and pale and ill… unsurprisingly.

    Has WWM got a wikipedia page?

    If not – why not?

    I feel we’re pointless enough to have a wikipedia entry now.

  157. Napoleon Says:

    We should get writing it. Fill it with lies and see if it’s flagged up.

  158. Clarry Says:

    ACtually, maybe if CM got on the credits of some progs he might be the most famousest?

    Is he still alive?

  159. Napoleon Says:

    A female ‘friend’ of mine was in the Trisha audience once. Frankly, she’s psychopathic enough to be one of the guests. Threw bricks at a bloke’s car wind-screen once, shouting ‘er head off, starkers save for a pair of knickers, and in the middle of the bloody street to boot.

  160. Mel Says:

    I was in a pop vidoe by mistake, and now i appear regularly on various European news outlets and quoted in papers and the like. Does that qualify me for the Famous Sorts list too?

  161. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – It’s a sad tale. Mingles was carted off for medical experiments when the Credit Crunch began to bite. He’s nothing but a shit stain covered in electrodes now.

  162. Mel Says:

    NC – was she doing that for charidee on Comic Relief night?

  163. Napoleon Says:

    How can you be in a pop video by mistake?

  164. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – No. She was doing it after a row with the fella whose windscreen it was. Very volatile temper on ‘er. O’course, I would of at a moment’s bloody notice …

  165. Mel Says:

    Well, i went to see a gig by Carter USM, who were the main event. They were supported by “local legends” EMF wot done that really stupid Unbelievable song. The gig was about a week before it charted, and they filmed a video there of the singer doing stage dives (which they had to reshoot, because everyone moved the first time). I am in that video on account of being there to see a different band altogether. I thought, and still think they were shit.

    Bloody Foresters.

  166. Mr H Says:

    Does publicly aired (ie court screenings) CCTV footage count?

    Or the all-new, all-singing, all-dancing televised line-ups doon the cop shop?

  167. Mel Says:

    Oh, and my car was on one of those police stop action thingies in the 90s. I wasn’t in it at the time though

  168. Napoleon Says:

    You might be pushing it there, Mr. H. If that counts, a grainy image of me once appeared on one of those CCTV camera shows disappearing down an alley to have a wazz as a group of lads fought a pitched battle in the foreground. As the fight ensues, you can see my wazz appearing in a trickle, stage left.

    (In all honesty, it was mainly my wazz that got the exposure that time.)

  169. Clarry Says:

    I are bin in the Guardian and the Telegraph a few times (pics and words).

  170. Mel Says:

    So WWM Famouses, in order of status
    Charlie Mingles (in credits)
    NC’s waz
    NC for the internets

    Any others?

  171. Napoleon Says:

    Anyone can do that, Clarry. All you need to do is:

    If you’re a woman: Write a waffling column about how you’re juggling two toddlers and a baby with your hectic day job in PR … and succeeding!

    If you’re a man: Write a waffling column about a six pack of crisps you bought and ate last week.

  172. Napoleon Says:

    My piss is more famous than I am? I’m not even as famous as some piss? My own fucking piss?

  173. Mel Says:

    At least it is your piss NC. It would stand up in court were you to be brought before the beaks for public urination.

  174. Napoleon Says:

    The police had better things to deal with that night, Mel. The group of lads fighting over absolutely nothing whatsoever distracted them away from my heinous alleyway pissing crime. I’m the one that got away.

  175. Mel Says:

    But it was on telly NC, so it was captured, even if you weren’t, and is therefore famous.

    So, i think my point still stands.

  176. Napoleon Says:

    It still stinks that my piss’s appearance on telly makes it more famous than me – the man responsible for that piss. If someone had told me as a boy that I would be less famous than a streak of my own piss I’d have been … well, I don’t know how I’d have reacted, frankly. I certainly don’t think I’d have been that happy about it.

    (It’s hard to tell as the boyhood version of me was highly likely to have tried giving the person telling me about my urine’s future fame a Chinese burn halfway through the telling)

  177. Mr H Says:

    OK, then.

    I was once removed from Hong Kong at gunpoint.
    I once appeared on an 80 foot high screen having the Sex in front of about 50,000 people.
    I once told Robert Plant he was a f****** thieving piece of c****** banditry who should be shot for stealing other peoples music.
    I’m on the radio every week. More than once.
    I’m in the Guns ‘n’ Roses video for ‘Paradise City’.
    I once threw Keith Chegwin out of a pub.
    I’m not an unemployable Irish cartoonist.

    I could go on.

    I won’t be watching telly tonight as I’ll be attending a lecture on Keith Johnston, the Victorian Cartographer and Explorer. Which means tomorrow I shall be smarter than any of you.*

    * so if someone could tape the Jade Goody “I’ve Got The Cancer, Gimme Your Cash” show on Living, I’d appreciate it.

  178. Mel Says:

    Mr H, in the famous stakes, most of those don’t count, unless Mr Chegwin told of the incident in his biography or something, then you:
    a) appear on radio – which does qualify you
    b) are in a video – which might well qualify you too.
    c) Does pron count?

  179. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Revised list

    Mr. H
    Charlie Mingles (in credits)
    NC’s waz
    NC for the internets

  180. Napoleon Says:

    A translation of Mr. H’s waffle:

    He was once removed from Hong Kong at gunpoint after the authorities found out he’s a convicted sex criminal.
    He appeared on that screen because he was fucking an insane blind person at a rock concert with a big screen and tv cameras.
    He told Robert Plant all that, and Robert Plant has never got over it, clearly.
    He’s on internet radio – one rung down the ladder from hospital radio (just above talking into a can of beans attached by a string to another can of beans).
    He was at a G N’ R concert … along with thousands of other fawning morons.
    He was a pub bouncer.
    I’m not Irish, and I’m employed.

    Frankly, I still reckon my piss is more famous.

  181. Mel Says:

    Why piqued DINLT?

  182. Mr H Says:

    a) the Hong Kong incident was story 2 on their local news at the time.
    b) surely live the Sex in front of 50,000 people counts
    c) abusing Robert Plant definitely counts

    I decided not to mention my extensive catalogue of pron videos as Perry, the unemployable Irish cartoonist gets a bot over excited.

  183. Napoleon Says:

    DINLT – What the hell’s Piqued famous for? Having a bad back?

  184. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Didn’t he ride a bike in some programs credits?

  185. Mel Says:

    Pfft, if it comes to having met and abused slebs, then i should appear for soundly giving it to the Man and Tony Robinson at Comet.

  186. Mel Says:

    Oh yes, boon or something? Was he wearing a helmet? If so I’d wager that doesn’t count.

  187. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Revised list

    Mr. H
    Charlie Mingles (in credits)
    Mel (comet assistant to the stars)
    NC’s waz
    NC for the internets

  188. Mel Says:

    DINLT that should read “Comet assistant to the stars and accidentally in a pop video”.

  189. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Revised list

    Mr. H
    Charlie Mingles (in credits)
    Mel (Comet assistant to the stars and accidentally in a pop video)
    NC’s waz
    NC for the internets

  190. Napoleon Says:

    How come my being featured in the back of a magazine (second on the left, just past the adverts for phone sex lines) counts for bugger all in this who’s more famous thing, then? That means some people have actually heard of me. Real people – not pretend people off of the internet, like. Surely that puts me above Piqued and my own piss on this confounded list, doesn’t it?

    Well … maybe not my own piss.

  191. Mel Says:

    I am nt sure personal ads count either NC

  192. breeks Says:

    i also caused an international incident reviewed and reported on by the Home Office in Kinshasa, Congo, and nearly got arrested (and, presumably, fairly consistently raped and pillaged until a lingering death from the aids). i have a letter from some Home Office honcho, actually. must dig that out.

    my sister was in a sprung monkey video filmed on a san diego beach.

  193. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Revised list

    Mr. H
    Charlie Mingles (in credits)
    Mel (Comet assistant to the stars and accidentally in a pop video)
    NC’s waz
    Bloke who came round to unblock NC’s drains
    NC for the internets

  194. Mel Says:

    Breeks, you are already at the top of the list. We cannot allow your sister, because we are not letting Mr H have pron either, i reckon.

  195. breeks Says:

    ok. i’ve also been in two music videos.


  196. Napoleon Says:

    This list stinks. Now I know how the people who were in that ‘Space Cadets’ TV show feel when they look upon the faces of the first three people to be thrown out of Big Brother VII. There’s always a bloody heirarchy …

  197. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    I knocked around with one of Australia’s finest bands. FACT.

  198. Mel Says:

    Hot Chip or Cold Chisel DINLT?

  199. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve looked up Siobhan Fahey’s skirt … does that count?

  200. Napoleon Says:

    Men At Work? Crowded House?

  201. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Crowded house are NZ…

    no none of the above.

  202. Mel Says:

    Oh, it was Craig McLaughlin wasn’t it?

  203. Napoleon Says:

    New Zealand, Australia, China … they’re all so far away I don’t see what’s the difference, DINLT.

  204. Napoleon Says:

    Craig McLaughlin & Check 1-2, Mel? Surely Australia’s finest bands?

  205. Napoleon Says:


  206. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    No Mel.

  207. Napoleon Says:

    Was it Delta Gudren, DINLT? Or Kylie and Jason?

  208. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    No nap, nor inxs either.

  209. Napoleon Says:

    Air Supply? Olivia Newton-John?

    If it’s AC/DC, Breeks is fucked.

  210. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    No, no & no.

  211. Mel Says:

    Does being a roadie make you famous too now (unless you are Lemmy)?

  212. breeks Says:

    John Butler Trio
    Eskimon Joe
    Living End
    Alex Lloyd

    i’m sick of this. all those names are old-school. i’ve not lived in oz for 8 years.


  213. Napoleon Says:

    The Seekers?

  214. Do I Not Like That! Says:


  215. breeks Says:

    air supply

  216. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    No …not the seekers.

  217. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    No Breeks. I can ssure you they are a real/proper band with a cult following and are definitely one of Australia’s finest.

  218. Mel Says:

    So, you are telling us you are a member of a cult DINLT?

  219. Mel Says:

    I’m fairly certain that doesn’t make the list. Unless you are Rev Ron L Hubbard

  220. breeks Says:

    cult followings usually mean about 200 people.

    clues. and in the next 2 minutes as i’m off to the single launch, yeah, of another australian band. so hurry.

  221. Mel Says:

    Oh the Presets?

  222. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    A cult following in as much as many people will not have heard of them, despite the fact that one of their albums is in the Australian top 50 of all time.

  223. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Here are the top 50 Australian albums of all time according to the Melbourne Age. I should not have started this, but they are there.

    1 10-1 Midnight Oil (1981)
    2 Radios Appear Radio Birdman (1977)
    3 Living in the 70s Skyhooks (1974)
    4 Hi Fi Way You Am I (1995)
    5 Stoneage Romeos Hoodoo Gurus (1984)
    6 Gossip Paul Kelly and the Coloured Girls (1986)
    7 (I’m) Stranded the Saints (1977)
    8 Kick INXS (1987)
    9 Diesel and Dust Midnight Oil (1987)
    10 Back in Black AC/DC (1980)
    11 Magic Box Loved Ones (1967)
    12 Easy the Easybeats (1965)
    13 Born Sandy Devotional the Triffids (1986)
    14 Crowded House Crowded House (1986)
    15 Human Frailty Hunters and Collectors (1986)
    16 High Voltage AC/DC (1976)
    17 Sunnyboys Sunnyboys (1981)
    18 Wait Long By The River and the Bodies of Your Enemies will Float By the Drones (2005)
    19 16 Lovers Lane Go-Betweens (1988)
    20 Prehistoric Sounds the Saints (1988)
    21 Circus Animals Cold Chisel (1980)
    22 Hourly, Daily You Am I (1996)
    23 East Cold Chisel (1980)
    24 Doughboy Hollow Died Pretty (1991)
    25 Goodbye Tiger Richard Clapton (1977)
    26 Daddy Who Daddy Cool (1971)
    27 Prayers on Fire the Birthday Party (1981)
    28 Charcoal Lane Archie Roach (1992)
    29 Rose Tattoo Rose Tattoo (1978)
    30 Less is More Even (1996)
    31 Let There Be Rock AC/DC (1977)
    32 Since I Left You the Avalanches (2001)
    33 Icehouse Flowers (1980)
    34 Toward the Blues Chain (1971)
    35 Anthology the Easybeats (2000)
    36 The Good Son Nick Cave (1990)
    37 Highway to Hell AC/DC (1979)
    38 The Low Road Beasts of Bourbon (1991)
    39 The Swing INXS (1984)
    40 Lovetown Stephen Cummings (1988)
    41 Face to Face the Angels (1978)
    42 Post Paul Kelly (1985)
    43 Woodface Crowded house (1991)
    44 Liberty Belle and the Black Diamond Express Go-Betweens (1986)
    45 Tu Plang Regurgitator (1996)
    46 Eternal Nightcap The Whitlams (1997)
    47 Diorama Silverchair (2002)
    48 Starfish The Church (1988)
    49 A Toast to Panama Red Masters’ Apprentices (1972)
    50 Get Born Jet (2003)

  224. Napoleon Says:

    Didn’t The Bee Gees live in Australia for a while? Is it The Bee Gees?

  225. Napoleon Says:

    That traitor Leo Sayer?

  226. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    nap, i do not see the bee gees in that exhaustive list I have provided.

  227. Napoleon Says:

    Yes, but was it The Bee Gees though?

    I reckon it was The Bee Gees …

  228. Napoleon Says:

    your silence speaks volumes, DINLT …

    *writes ‘friend of The Bee Gees’ in DINLT useful information column of to-kill list*

  229. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    They don’t really count as Australian as they were born over here. So definitely NO.

  230. Napoleon Says:

    *crosses out previous entry*

  231. Napoleon Says:

    *writes ‘he shouted at me – must be dealt with first’*

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