Friday The 13th (2009)


It’s remake time again! And this time it’s the turn of Friday The 13th to come under the spotlight.

Aaaah, Friday The 13th … tits, ass, Kevin Bacon with an arrow in the gullet, something about a boy drowning in a lake but then not drowning in a lake, a bald Corey Feldman, Jason taking Manhattan by murdering folk on a ship that’s not in Manhattan, Jason ending up in Hell and then in space in the future, more tits …

Let’s face it, the films of the Friday The 13th series have never been any good ever. Cheesy acting, appalling plots, crummy production values, shitty special effects, rubbish, synthesised ‘80s music; unlike other beloved horror franchises, the series has not had one truly good entry over its entire twenty nine year run. Eleven films have come before the remake. Eleven carbuncles on the weeping, maggot-riddled backside of horror – a franchise kept alive because teenagers will watch any old shit as long as there’s tits and killing in it.

So, as you can probably guess, I didn’t approach the new, ‘re-imagined’ Friday The 13th with high hopes. It’s an odd fish. It races through Part I in about five minutes, deals with the potato sack-headed Jason’s rise in Part II in a twenty minute section at the start, and then settles down to the familiar lumbering thug in the iconic hockey mask from Part III for the remainder of the film.

The formula’s exactly the same as it always has been:

  • A group of teens arrive at Crystal Lake.
  • The ones who get their tits out are murdered.
  • The ones who fuck each other are murdered.
  • The one who’s an arsehole is murdered.
  • The token black guy’s murdered.
  • The noble ones face up to Jason.
  • Jason gets his comeuppence.
  • ‘Shock’ ending where he turns out not to be dead after all.

This time around there’s a bit of a twist because one of the teenagers is looking for his sister who, we were led to believe, was murdered by Jason in the film’s Part II-inspired opening segment. It turns out Jason has mistaken the girl for his mother and, as you do when you’re reunited with the mother you thought had been decapitated after you drowned in a lake in 1980, has chained her up under his house.

The girl’s brother hooks up with a vague collection of stereotypes who are holidaying in Crystal Lake, singling out the only girl of their party who doesn’t drop her bra the moment the beers are passed round to be his friend.

So, as they set off to find the missing sister, the other teens are systematically butchered by Jason. There’s a tits-out waterskiing scene that ends in a crossbow through the head killing for the boat pilot, and the girl being lifted out of the lake by a hook in her head just high enough to get a last shot of her excellent tits. There’s an axe in the back scene, a screwdriver pushed up into a fella’s brain scene and a good old neck-snapping for one promiscuous young madam who didn’t realise Jason has never looked favourably on drunk girls who fuck their boyfriends butt-naked in Friday The 13th movies.

So, business as usual.

It’s too dark, nobody can act, the two main teenage males look so similar you keep mixing them up, the killings aren’t as gory as anything we’ve seen in the Saw or Hostel franchises (thanks to the producers aiming for that all-important MPAA rating that allows their target audience of idiot teenagers into the cinema), and the climactic final battle between the brother, the rescued sister and Jason is something we’ve seen a billion times before. Oh, and the final shock horror ending that has become Friday The 13th’s signature moment is exactly what you expected it to be:

“Well I’ll be damned! He’s not dead!”

So is it worth watching? Well, unless you really need to see a naked girl hung upside down in a sleeping bag being burned alive, I’d say no. If you do want to watch stuff like that, however, companies such as Lion’s Gate films have been making ‘em bigger, more brutal and better than Friday The 13th has ever been for years.

The tits are good, mind.


42 Responses to “Friday The 13th (2009)”

  1. Mr H Says:

    Why would anyone not want to see a naked girl hung upside down in a sleeping bag being burned alive.

    Isn’t this exactly why the pictures were invented.

    I’m going twice.

  2. Napoleon Says:

    Now you come to mention it, Mr. H …

  3. Mr H Says:

    The Mr H rules for movie going are;

    1) Said picture should be as close to 90 minutes in length as possible. Anything over 2 hours is lazy, shoddy and has too much talking.

    ii) Explosions are mandatory. The number and magnitude are up to the film maker, but roughly 12 small explosions equals a small country being blown up.

    c) Nekkid chicks, although not obligatory, always enhance a film, unless they’re fat ugly ones. Unless they’re fat ugly ones being blown up (see ii). A lack of nekkidness can be offset by having several hot chicks dressed sluttishly, or in tight catsuits (see Underworld I, II, III for examples). A decent number of strip club scenes may also be used to avoid actually getting your tits out for the lads. Hot chicks making out with each other should also be encouraged.

    D) Teen comedies are always wrong. Teen comedy sequels will get you a good kicking.

    v) If you’re going to slaughter most of the cast, try and get as many explosions and nekkid chicks involved as possible.

    6) Vampires are always cool, but you must not, repeat MUST NOT, forget to put in any actual vampirism. Hence why the makers of Twilight should be shot. Vampires and werewolves fighting are the coolest thing ever, and should be put into any film, regardless of whether the script demands it or not.

    If you manage all of the above, I guarantee that I will go an see your film at least twice. Three, if it has Underworld in the title.

  4. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t think vampires are cool, personally. I’ve never seen the attraction of navel-gazing pretty boys and anorexic goth girls flying about and biting people’s necks. Silly, adolescent rubbish in my book.

    Do you live in Whitby, Mr. H?

  5. Mr H Says:

    No, because I hate goths. I have to pass one of the freaks every day on the way into work, and it takes me all my time not to stab her through the heart.

    I agree about navel-gazing pretty boys and anorexic goth girls. It’s yer proper Nosferatu type thing that rocks. That bloody Anne Rice and Twilight shite has got a lot to answer for.

    However, that Rhona Mitra can stick her fangs anywhere she damn well pleases, and I’ll just say thank you.

  6. Napoleon Says:

    There haven’t been a vast amount of your Nosferatu types though, have there? It’s mainly been pompous, operatic types and wallies with too much eye-shadow. Give me a proper beastie, I say. Some lumbering dullard such as Frankenstein’s monster. I defy anyone without a heart not to smile when he chucks that kid in the lake.

  7. Mr H Says:

    I’m surprised all these bloody hippies aren’t holding up Frankenstein’s monster as some kind of green icon. You can be damn sure that wee girl never killed any innocent flowers again after a swift dose of drowning.

    I’ve still got a soft spot for werewolves though. I could watch “Werewolf Of London” over and over. “Beware the stalking being – half human, half beast!”

  8. Napoleon Says:

    That was alright, I suppose. Better than all those stupid vampire films that mob of idiots who think they’re all unique like. Pack of bastards.

  9. extremelisteningmode Says:

    I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned the audience being ‘idiot teens’.

    Bring back the Delta Force movies, i say. Racist, sexist, clichéd and violent. It’s why they invented video.

  10. Napoleon Says:

    My grandad loves those Delta Force films. Mind you, he loves his racism, sexism, cliches and violence, he does.

  11. Swineshead Says:

    A great vampire film coming out soon is Let The Right One In. I seen it already, as I am special.

  12. Napoleon Says:

    Special as in: Hello, I am a journalist. Can I see your new film before the plebs so I can write some words about it, please?

    *lets cat out of bag*

  13. Mr H Says:

    I’ve been to a few press screenings in my time. Never have I had the misfortune to be surrounded by so many uggos scratching their balls, twitching and complaining loudly about everything. Bucking ingrates. They almost made the goths seem appealing.

  14. Napoleon Says:

    Ditto rock concerts, Mr. H. You’d think a free bar, wall to wall tits ‘n’ ass, not having to sit with the scum outside and that free bar I’ve already mentioned would leave the ungrateful bastards smiling from ear to ear. Instead, it’s a bunch of grunting, miserable shithouses moaning that the colour of their VIP wristband doesn’t entitle ’em to full access to the band’s private portable toilet. Cheer up, you didn’t have to pay for it, after all.

  15. Mr H Says:

    See, I get into loads of gigs for free, and it’s just about the only time I can be seen grinning from ear to ear like a loon. Likewise, the thirty or so free CDs that pop through the letterbox every week.

    But every half arsed music journo I have ever met, seems to spend the whole time whinging about how rubbish music is. Which usually results in a swift punch in the face, and a lecture on how bloody lucky they are. Or just the former if I’m in a hurry.

    Me, I love it.

    Mind you, as a Scotchman, the word “free” has a lot of appeal.

  16. Napoleon Says:

    I too have never been anything less than delighted to be sitting in a private area surrounded by professional tits ‘n’ ass for hire girls, not having to shit in a portakabin with 10,000 other people, and being given an endless stream of drinks I don’t have to pay for. It’s an ‘ard life …

  17. piqued Says:

    I just heard that Alfie Patten, the 13 year old dad, has joined Fathers For Justice.

    ‘Makes sense’ he said, ‘I already have a Spiderman outfit’

  18. Napoleon Says:


    Nice one, Reggie. Carved any fuckers up today? On your manor, like?

  19. piqued Says:

    No Nappers

    I really have no idea what you’re on about

    Reggie was the gay one wasn’t he?

  20. Badger Madge Says:

    they’re cutting down on our visits t’cinema now, what with the recession and all.

  21. Badger Madge Says:

    Piqued, that was hilarious. I just copy and pasted that gag to m’mates.

    They now think I’m soooo clever and funny.

  22. Napoleon Says:

    You were on about your ‘manor’ on your blog, Reggie. Daaaaahn in Laaaahndan where you was born, squire. Saaahnd o’ Bow Bells when everythink was bleedin’ marvellous back in the War when you could leave your doors open and laaaaaaved your maaaaver. Y’know? On your manor?

    Stabbed anyone up? On your manor?

  23. piqued Says:

    Thank you Badger

    Pardon Napoleon? I don’t think you’ll find that knives are a laughing matter, actually. You seen what a knife does to a kids face, have you? Well I have. And I can can tell you, it ain’t a pretty sight let me tell you that now, here and now, right here.

    Right now, right here, right now

    *dances off*

    *sprains ankle*

  24. Napoleon Says:

    Careful, Piqued. A sprained ankle is the last thing you need if you’re to protect your manor from attacks by rival criminal gangs in the ’60s.

  25. Swineshead Says:

    Oh fuck – it’s the Brit awards tonight.

    I feel another Corden rant coming on…

    And I’m juts listening to Nick of the T’s music for the first time properly (shamefully) and he’s pretty bloody good… well I’ll be!

  26. Napoleon Says:

    Here, Swineshead. They’re not holding The Brits on Piqued’s manor, are they? If they are, I hope the organisers have payed one of his lieutenants the right amount of protection money. Ten and six a week, isn’t it, Piqued?

  27. Swineshead Says:

    Yes – ‘juts’

  28. ugeine Says:

    I like Goths. They’re generally sound people, I find. Well, the ones that actually believe all the occult crap (Like the band Mayhem) are a bit odd but the majority of them are great people.

    Mr H, you’re not currently serving time are you?

  29. Napoleon Says:

    Funny because most of the ones I’ve met have been miserable shits who insist on telling you just how individual they are. Looking all the same. Watching ‘The Crow’. In Whitby.

  30. ugeine Says:

    Napoleon: They were probably miserable because they were in your company. Not everybody likes discussions about sausages, War films and how PC madness is ruining this once great nation, you know.

    And before somebody brings up that ‘dey al think dey’re been individual but dey all look alike’ bollocks, try walking through Northampton town centre dressed as a goth and see if you don’t get styabbed.

  31. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – That sounds like the finest conversation a man can ever have.

    And anyway, I’ve had many conversations with many goths about all manner of different subjects. They’ve mostly been miserable bastards who won’t let you forget how ‘different’ they are (usually by pretending to be wistful or banging on about vampires … sorry, ‘vampyres’). And they all do look alike – an excess of red and black velvet, clunky black boots, jet-black hair, white face makeup, black lipstick and eye shadow. Oh, and all that silver crap they buy from goth shops with all skulls and shit on it. Yes, very dissimilar is one goth from another.

  32. Napoleon Says:

    Plus, there’s a solution to your little parting shot – wipe that crap off your face, stop dressing like Dracula, stop drawing attention to yourself and the local fuckwits who have no tolerance for you (and will never have any tolerance for you) won’t stab you when you’re out and about in Northampton. Simple, see?

  33. Jo Says:

    Friday 13th > celebrities congratulating themselves on another year of self-promotion

    What antics will Lily Allen get up to tonight, I wonder!

  34. Napoleon Says:

    Is Lilly Allen the idiot one, the fat one, the drunk one or the one that talks like she was born in Whitechapel, circa 1850?

  35. ugeine Says:


    ‘They’ve mostly been miserable bastards who won’t let you forget how ‘different’ they are.’ That’s teenage American Goths. Actually, scratch that, all teenagers.

    ‘usually by pretending to be wistful or banging on about vampires … sorry, ‘vampyres’’ That’s the smallish sub sect as goths known as ‘weirdos’

    ‘And they all do look alike’ So you’re complaining because every single goth doesn’t invent his / her own fashion trend then? And, besides, that’s originality, not individuality. It would be highly individual of me to sit in my room every night, wanking frantically and listening to recordings of myself banging pots and pans while wailing, but I wouldn’t be the first person to do it.

  36. ugeine Says:

    ‘Plus, there’s a solution to your little parting shot – wipe that crap off your face, stop dressing like Dracula, stop drawing attention to yourself and the local fuckwits who have no tolerance for you (and will never have any tolerance for you) won’t stab you when you’re out and about in Northampton. Simple, see?’

    I agree, which is why I don’t walk around dressed like somebody whose just mugged Danny Filth.

    But then again, dressing in a certain way without paying attention to how much hassle you get from hamfisted retards is an individualist thing , and I’m not an individualist.

  37. Napoleon Says:

    Don’t like it, do you? You weirdo. You deserve to get stabbed up in Northampton, dressing like an arsehole. Indeed, I’d stab you up if I knew where Northampton was.

    Where’s Northampton?

  38. Jo Says:

    Napoleon – re: Lily Allen, all of the above, I think.

  39. Napoleon Says:

    Jo – Is that right? Fair enough …


  40. ugeine Says:


    *stomps off to room*

    *puts Korn on really loud*

  41. Napoleon Says:

    Another victory for those of us who refuse to accept anybody else’s point of view, I fancy!

    Now, sausages …

  42. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    The Crow. A goth hallmate of a friend put that on in the living room while I was there. I thought it was a comedy and laughed all the way through. When we turned the lights back on he did not look happy. But then he is a goth.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: