The Brits – 2009


Last night’s Brits then, presented by James ‘why?’ Corden, the bloke off Catherine Tate and, for some reason, Kylie Minogue – when she wasn’t stage-right, getting changed into another unremarkable frock.

I watched it whilst taking notes, drinking tea and twittering. The twittering was more fun than the show – and when talking in less than 140 characters to strangers on a computer is more entertaining than a massive showbiz event, you know you’ve got problems.

Here then, are my notes, twitterings and musings, in REAL TIME!

The night opens with a Johnny Vegas voiceover which, from hereon in, kicks in every time a new award’s being dished out, prompting the audience to ponder how much they paid him to rattle off a few intros. Then – BANG! – we’re straight into a live performance from… some old men.

It’s U2, and Bono really ain’t getting any younger or any more original – demonstrated by the fact their new single sounds exactly like six other U2 singles. Adam Clayton is increasingly starting to look like Homer Simpson’s dad and the Edge still needs to lose the hat. To make things worse, the huge video screen behind him displays Bono’s lyrics as the frail frontman postures like a man half his age in front of them, showcasing his lack of writing talent in bold, illuminated words as he jiggles like a berk in front of them. Their big moment – and every Brit performance needs one, even though they usually fall further flat than a glass of cola left out overnight – is Bono taking off his spectacles to reveal an ageing idiot in eyeliner.

Greetings from our hosts! The three of them shuffle on with some dancers and they do the routine for Kylie’s 2001 single, Can’t Get You Out Of My Head. Corden is a fat man, but he done did dancing!

The use of such an old Kylie hit can be seen as either the provision an eight year vintage or an irrelevance from ages ago – you can make your own mind up on that.

The finishing posture leaves Kylie cradling the boys’ groins, in the first of many misguided sauce-based gags that unearth nowt but tumbleweed from the audience both at home and in the auditorium. Corden even feels the need to apologise for his first joke as he absorbs the silence that follows his every utterance.

Simon Pegg arrives, on his own (I thought they presented in pairs?) to announce Best Female and, in the event, Duffy beats Adele, MIA, Beth (who?) Rowley and that mardy-arse Estelle. You can feel the oxigen in the nation’s atmosphere lessen as the audience yawns collectively.

Next up, Best International Female goes to Katie Perry – a fact I enjoy because my other half hates her, causing me much amusement. She won a Brit and she liked it! She’s here even though she’s ill, she says. In fact, all she does is complain that she’s sick when she takes the podium, implying that she only turned up because her record company made her. That’s gratitude.

And then… Girls Aloud! Can it get any more miserable?


The ladies essentially do a striptease to the song they did that sounds like the sort of tune ABBA might shit out whilst paralytic. Their clothes removal is sexy! (If you read Nuts and get turned on by the thought of a moronic, untalented dance troupe fronted by a Geordie automaton).

Suddenly The Brits goes weird. We’re, inexplicably backstage with Fearne Cotton who’s standing beside a caravan. I check my remote control, but no, I’m not jammed on ITV2 by mistake. What the hell’s going on?

Fearne asks us to vote for something or other and, breaking up the party vibe, reads out the Ts and Cs for the phone vote at length, before the ads come on. It’s like being accosted by a drunk accountant at the worst party in the world, dragged outside and then being subjected to her rattling off her month end breakdown. Even any slight semblance of a reckless, party atmosphere is dropped to the shits.

After the break, it’s back to the front desk, and I become confused by who’s presenting what, why and how? Horne and Corden are now doing the work, looking like ITV’s version of Shirl and ‘Evver off ‘stenders. The trio of Horne, Corden and Minogue keeps merging, resynthesising and redistributing. That fact alongside Fearne’s droned phone numbers leaves me dribbling with shellshock.

And then – Oh God. Here’s Alex bloody James to present Best British Breakthrough from a list including Adele, Scouting for Girls, Duffy, Ting Tings and The Last Shadow Puppets – and Duffy wins again, which feels, frankly, like a direct insult.

Coldplay then take the stage, dressed like disco revolutionaries in pink, lime and purple Spanish civil war outfits – which would be fine if they made new-sounding, vital pop like, say, MGMT or Empire of the Sun – but they don’t. They make watery, bland, executive bum. They’re about as revolutionary as Norman Tebbit. Their presence makes the list of appearances, winners and performers sound like it was discovered, discarded, scrawled on a soggy piece of cardboard and found in the middle of the road.

Back to the caravan! With Jamie Cullum and Jamie Oliver, both looking like they’re having a strand-off at the stupid haircut festival. To distract us from their wacky barnets, we hear more phone votes from Fearne. Halfway in to the two hours and literally nothing of any note has happened. Bring back Brandon Block! All is forgiven!

Here’s Natalie Imbruglia, who must have died since her Torn single came out in the nineties, as she staggers on looking like a reanimated corpse dug up from the grounds of a derelict botox farm. She’s here to announce British Male Solo Artist from a pick of James Morrison, Paul Weller, Ian Brown, Will Young and The Streets. Weller wins, and his acceptance speech is a video of Adele giggling.

We’re past halfway – and it’s time for a Duffy performance, or time for a kitchen break and tea-making, as I bypass the vapid motown-theft she passes off as music. As I return with an enormous cup of the brown stuff, Corden bellows a query:


More tumbleweed.

So – who will win Best International Album? Fleet Foxes, The Killers, MGMT, Kings of Leon or someone else I can’t remember?

Kings of Leon, in the event, and they take the stage resembling what you might imagine the Managing Directors of Beebo to look like. ‘If it weren’t for England we wouldn’t exist’, the singer says, forgetting he’s at the Brits. One in the eye for Duffy! Good lads.

Take That mime for a bit, handily wasting some time. The Robbie reunion thankfully remains an unfulfilled rumour and Nick Frost ambles on to present best live act. Nick Frost on his own. Without Simon Pegg. Who also presented on his own. Are we running low on guests?

Beating The Verve, Coldplay, Scouting For Girls and Elbow, Iron Maiden win this. A demonstration of people-power and only the hardest heart could begrudge them. Nicko McBrain still looks exactly like he did in the 80s. And they even wheel out Eddie, which probably confuses anyone under the age of 28.

Here comes David Hasslehoff to present something (I think Best British Band). Elbow beat Radiohead, Girls Aloud, Take That and Coldplay. Elbow – the band everyone’s too lazy to diss. I haven’t got anything against them, they just feel like a slow episode of Coronation Street set to 90s indie.

Then Kings of Leon play their big single with an ill-advised bass breakdown that makes the song sound like it’s going to shrivel up and die before Horne reappears to make his second Craig David joke of the night. We’re then on to the Critics Choice award which goes to indie types Florence and the Machine.

Florence and the Who?

Clear off!

Gok Wan wanders on smiling like a man possessed, waving and screeching ‘HIYA!’ like an oriental Wavey Davey. He presents the International Male gong which goes to Kanye West who, inevitably couldn’t make it to the evening and is filmed standing in a utility room in an anonymous building, looking sheepish.

And now for the real lowpoint. A modern mash-up of two of the year’s worst singles – Estelle and Ting Tings working to combine their awful songs in what is truly the most godawful dirge I’ve heard in years. The less about that, the better.

The end is in sight! It’s time for the best British Single and Alan Carr presents it to Girls Aloud for that ABBA-stealing pile of shit that accompanied their striptease earlier. ‘About time!’ screams the tall blonde one. ‘I wet meself!’ she continues, before being dragged off. And that’s as close as we get to controversy all night.

Tom Jones, looking like an overweight Rolf Harris, presents Best British Album and ruins the fact it’s bound to be Duffy, what with her also being from Wales and all. She gets her trio of meaningless statues and another Brit Awards gathers its crutches for the weary trudge to 2010. But first, the Pet Shop Boys Achievement award.

Hard to begrudge them their gong, but their stage show was such an unrelenting slaughter of flashing lights and dancing personnel, I had to read Twitter to work out what was going on. When Lady Gaga appeared to sing one line of a song dressed like a willow-patterned teapot, I thought I was hallucinating – compounded by the ostrich feathers on Brandon Flowers shoulders which made him look like a Flash Gordon birdman.

Roll credits!

Writing down every detail seemed like a good idea at the time. I hope reliving the experience with me hasn’t been too damaging for you – for me, at least, it was therapeutic.

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288 Responses to “The Brits – 2009”

  1. greghorrorshow Says:

    I didn’t watch it but have noticed a severe lack of interest in the general media – didn’t see it mentioned this morning on TV and it had half a page in the morning paper.

    Obviously not a great one!

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  2. Swineshead Says:

    greghorrorshow – you’re a cheeky sod.

  3. Napoleon Says:

    I haven’t heard of half of these. Glad I didn’t watch this, sounds rubbbish.

    That’s right – ‘rubbish’, but with three ‘bs’.

  4. Mel Says:

    Hmm, well i see i missed nothing there then. Although SH, you should be grateful that you witnessed the GA piss herself for free. There are many men that would pay good money for that, so I am led to believe.

  5. fourstar Says:

    I missed U2, which is probably for the best. Fucking-God-delusional-bog-trotting-millionaire-pub-musicians. Bono can kiss my ring.

  6. Richard Says:

    All the Brits did for me was hold me up on the way home from work. Amusing article, thanks, glad I missed the show…

  7. bgeek Says:

    Estelle – has she always been that slim? she looked like she’d been on a yank-slimfast-plan or is it just my memory fading with age? still, we disgraced ourselves by watching it. i feel dirty this morning.

  8. piqued Says:

    I have to take my hat off to you for sitting through it SH, I just couldn’t. Still pleased to see Coldplay won fuck all but I remain disturbed by this trendy adulation of Iron Maiden.

    It’s a ruddy shame the public haven’t backed a genuine contributor to the largely awful British 80’s metal genre, Judas Priest, Motorhead, Venom et al. In all seriousness without fucking Eddie I reckon we’d have barely heard of Iron Maiden.

    *waits for NC*

  9. vones Says:

    Iron Maiden won something? I’m not sure if this is a victory for old school steak and chips metal or the result of skinny fit retro metal t shirts being inexplicably popular with the kind of dicks who decide the winners of such events.

  10. piqued Says:

    Oh, Vones just hit the nail on the head with the latter part of his comment.

    How fucking depressing.

  11. fourstar Says:

    There was a great shot of Louie Walsh with the expression of a man who has just put his finger through the toilet paper.

  12. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Young ‘uns only back these bands when the internet site they use to get their ironic t-shirts prints a replica of a concert tour one of ’em did back in the ’70s. Apparently they’ve brought out a Led Zeppelin one now, so expect those dinosaurs to collect a gong or two at next year’s awards.

  13. Napoleon Says:

    I see Vones has made a similar point. Really should read these comments more thoroughly …

  14. vones Says:

    I’m hoping an ironic range of Black Metal t shirts become available at a high street retailer. The combination of a tr00 kvlt Burzum shirt a stick thin asymetrical hairct wearing prick would cause hysterics.

  15. piqued Says:

    So, essentially, we all agree.

    I noticed the AC/DC thing happening last year and god help us all, Peaches or Pixie or Poo Poo was wearing a fucking Cramps t-shirt last month.

    I shouldn’t be surprised, they were selling Ramones and Motorhead t-shirts in River Island recently.

  16. Napoleon Says:

    How do they get their hair so thick, that’s what I want to know? Every kid I see has the luxurious 1970s barnet of an Osmond.

  17. piqued Says:

    Vones, it’s the next to go for sure. For those of us who genuinely like this sort of stuff, and have had to suffer the social exclusion in our teens for doing so, this shit doesn’t half stick in my craw.

  18. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Going back to Led Zep, it was funny to see those massive fans Kate Moss and Naomi Campbell at the Millennium Dome reunion gig. I wonder how many of the people who slavishly follow everything Moss does went out and bought that Mothership compilation they brought out (it would have to be a greatest hits album, obviously), and then sat listening in bewilderment at the music she apparently likes. Then turned it off and put some Girls Aloud on.

    I won’t let the shameful words ‘Millennium Dome’ die, by the way. Don’t let them forget what they did! ‘O2’ bedamned!

  19. piqued Says:

    Yes, that was horrific. What’s even more amusing is that they popularise those acts that are only almost good whilst genuine ‘classic’ outfits, Motorhead, Slayer etc., are still happily doing Brixton academy with tickets to spare.

  20. Cross Says:

    a) Brit awards in shit/embarrassing shock.

    b) It’s *Katy* Perry.

  21. Jo Says:

    I take back my comment from last night, twitter commentary AND next day blog reviews are more entertaining than the ceremony itself. Jeesus. Everyone just died on their feet last night. Awful.

  22. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    You can’t beat a bit of Bach.

  23. Swineshead Says:


    a.) Get fucked.

    b.) Fuck off.

  24. Swineshead Says:

    Jo – I Just Died On My Feet Tonight… isn’t that a soft rock ballad?

  25. Napoleon Says:

    I can’t say I’m that enamoured of Motorhead, personally. This might have something to do with my liking for pompous 1970s progressive rock. What? Three minutes? For a song? That’s not long enough! I started listening to Tales From Topographic Oceans in 1990, and I’ve not yet turned the LP over to side two.

  26. Mel Says:

    Aaaargh, that is one of my worst ear worms. Thanks Swineshead

    *goes off to poke pointy things in ears*

  27. godshatmyipod Says:

    I’m nipping out to give piqued a kicking for the “the largely awful British 80’s metal genre” comment a while back.

    Whither Toad The Wet Sprocket, Hellanbach, Ethel The Frog and Praying Mantis, eh?

    That was proper music that was, none of your indie shite there.


  28. Swineshead Says:

    Bit fractious in here today.

  29. Mel Says:

    It’s all that talk of Raaawk SH, it always gets the grebo types wound up.

    I would just discuss cups of tea and ikkle bunny wabbits if you want to avoid this kind of ruckus

  30. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    It’s time for a Reggae/Ska revival.

  31. piqued Says:

    And what do you know about it GSMI?

    Most Brit Metal in the 80’s was cack… lets discuss

  32. vones Says:

    The 80’s metal scene was far healthier in the States what with the Bay Area and all that. Although ‘Somewhere In Time’ came out and that is the best album evah. *Awaits ensuing insults*

  33. Ashby de la Launde Says:

    Iron Maiden were great between about 1980 – 1985, untouchable. They were the only band to pick up the Black Sabbath going fast sound and do something great with it. Aces High remains a high water mark of 80s music.

    Hardly trendy adulation as the ward was voted for by fans.

  34. Mel Says:

    DINLT – it should always be time for ska.

  35. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    I like you Mel.

  36. Swineshead Says:

    If I had my way we’d be talking about early 90s, American alt-rock.

    Anyone remember Sammy?

  37. piqued Says:

    ‘The 80’s metal scene was far healthier in the States’

    Utterly. I’m getting a soft spot for you Vones. What you wearing

  38. godshatmyipod Says:

    You’re all talking shite.

    Brit Metal between 79 and 82 was the greatest music EVER. All other metal is false metal, even those nutters who claim that they play real metal and proclaim Death to False Metal.

    All other music is pretty much shite, especially modern day rock music which is nothing of the bloody sort. Ska is the kind of music inflicted upon disease ridden sailors in the 19th century as a punishment for slacking off.

    The Bay Area were a bunch of chancers who tried to disguise their lack of ability by covering Venom tunes at high speed, hoping we wouldn’t notice. Metallica and their ilk weren’t fit to lick the anus of Split Beaver. Slayer get an honourable exemption on grounds of evil.

  39. Napoleon Says:

    I’d like to throw my hat in the ring and declare Paul McCartney’s ‘We All Stand Together’ was actually a cracking song if you consider what it was written for – a kid’s film. Disney would have killed for a song of that quality.

  40. piqued Says:

    ‘Iron Maiden were great between about 1980 – 1985, untouchable. They were the only band to pick up the Black Sabbath going fast sound and do something great with it. Aces High remains a high water mark of 80s music.’

    Sorry, but that’s balls. Black Sabbath are in a different league… and when were Black Sabbath fast!

  41. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Jet’ by Wings is a bloody great song. Don’t you think?


  42. Ashby de la Launde Says:

    ‘and when were Black Sabbath fast!’

    ‘Children Of The Grave’? Compare to early Maiden. See? Good.

    But yeah, Sabbath are miles better, no arguments from me.

  43. Napoleon Says:

    I love that song (Jet). I’m also happy to admit a liking for ‘Mull of Kintyre’ – ‘specially the video where they’re strolling along the beach strumming guitars.

  44. Mel Says:

    Oh My. Vones be careful, when piqued says he is getting a soft spot for you, he actually means the exact opposite. Don’t mention the suspenders and stockings combo you are wearing or it will be all over.

    GSMIPod – I think you have just proclaimed Death Metal False. I bet the Norwegians will not be happy.

    SH – woo ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh yeah!

  45. Cross Says:


    It just appears you started watching this with the mindset ‘I hate everything about this’ and sure enough…not one positive?

    Being anti mainstream is naff & predictable, much more so than events like the Brits. Still, as long as you’ve kept face.

  46. indy Says:

    better not youtube the brits then. so what line did lady gaga sing? and where can i get one of those shoulder-feathered jackets?

  47. Swineshead Says:

    Nappers / Mel:

    JET! Woo ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh yeah!

    As for Mull of Kintyre, am I the only man on earth who likes the bit with the bagpipes?

    A great tune.

    Currently on my Spotify stereo:
    Damn! I Wish I Was Your Lover by Sophie B Hawkins.

    Now THAT’S what I call music.

  48. Swineshead Says:


    It just appears you started watching this with the mindset ‘I hate everything about this’ and sure enough…not one positive?

    How about you replace the word ‘watching’ with ‘reading’? Then take a look at the ‘man in the mirror’*, yeah?

    *musical reference.

    Seriously, I always want the Brits to be good and it never is. This was the worst yet. I’m not going to lie about it, am I?

    And yesterday I was celebrating Eastenders. I love The Apprentice. I hardly feel the need to tie anti-mainstream colours to the mast.

  49. Mel Says:

    volume 36 SH?

    My favourte was Volume 12, which had Alone by Heart (?) and T’pau anf Enter Sandman on

    Oh no, i’ve started to talk about rock too

    Shoots self

  50. Swineshead Says:

    Indy – those birdman jackets’ll be in Top Man by April, mark my words.
    Where’ve you been?

  51. breeks Says:

    i watched the brits from the comfort of a bench at water rats with a corona in one hand and a badly rolled (unlit, obv) cig in the other. back and forth to bar, outside and into the band room to watch a single launch and all i saw was gurning faces, flashing lights, false smiles and fearne fucking cotton on constant cyclical repeat.

    twas shit, but prob way better than the stupid aria’s (australian record industry awards – bet the person who came up with that popped a pimple in pleasure).

    @greghorrorshow – you and your blog are about 18 months behind on the new music scene. laura marling is now legal and she’s been strumming her oversized guitar for 4 years now, yeah. blood red shoes have been pimping their self-conscious sound for at least 2 years, ladyhawke has become, sad to say, mainstream and la roux are shit. have you LISTENED?


  52. Napoleon Says:

    I like the notion that Swineshead’s anti-mainstream after he’s just declared his love for Jet and the bit in Mull of Kintyre with the bagpipes (good bit, that). Cross, he also likes Carly Simon records too. Smash the conformist masses and their pitiful mainstream tastes!

    *puts on Nobody Does It Better*

  53. indy Says:

    “GSMIPod – I think you have just proclaimed Death Metal False. I bet the Norwegians will not be happy.”

    death to false metal? (manowar)

  54. piqued Says:

    GSMI. Firstly ‘79 isn’t the 80’s is it. Secondly all the bands you’ve so far cited appeared in the back pages of Kerrang if at all. As for ‘Death to False Metal’ you sound like a fucking 15 year old though I suspect you’re in your 40’s, bald with a limp and a lazy eye.

    Ashby, Children of The Grave isn’t really fast is it? And it’s nothing like Iron Maiden either. It matters not, according to the metal guru cited above it’s ‘false metal’

  55. Cross Says:

    Fair enough, you have a point on the EE stuff.

    I love this site, and nearly all the stuff that’s written here by the way. I don’t keep coming back to annoy myself and I certainly wasn’t reading the piece close minded at all!

  56. indy Says:

    sh: internet usage warning from management combined with a trip to new york to see my missus

  57. indy Says:

    …off to topman then! flash! wooh! saves the universe! dun-dun-dun… etc

  58. fourstar Says:

    @breeks: La Roux aren’t shit. And I quite like the new Lily Allen album. And Little Boots. Ladyhawke is OK too. L-pop FTW.

    *goes for pint*

  59. breeks Says:

    when i was a kid i thought bon jovi was metal.

    now i like hawkwind.

  60. Swineshead Says:

    I like Soft Metal best. Is that proper metal?

    Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now by Starship – now THAT’S what I call music. And the theme to Young Guns 2 by Jon Bon. THAT’S also what I call music

    Sorry Mel, not sure which volume of NTWICM these apply to.

  61. indy Says:

    l-pop? what is l-pop?

  62. Swineshead Says:

    Cross – sorry for saying an ‘eff’ word at you. Let’s bum.

  63. indy Says:

    i have a soft spot for epic metal. all about slaying dragons, wearing chain-mail and drinking mead.

  64. godshatmyipod Says:

    As someone who used to share a flat with a bloke who went off to become Leader of the Oceanic Branch of the Left Hand Path, I can safely say that it will take more than a few Norwegian Satanists to worry me.

    And much as I admire Manowar and their out and proud homosexualist metal, I’d point you in the direction of their Italian brethern –

    Their “Other Bands Play, Nanowar Gay” album from 2005 is essential metal listening.

  65. Swineshead Says:

    Let’s not get personal with GSMI, eh? Especially as Piqued’s also in his 40’s, bald with a limp and a lazy eye. You two should go bowling together.

  66. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Hurrah…I have seen daffodils coming up this morning. Summer of love on it’s way!

  67. fourstar Says:

    @indy: Bands that begin with the letter, er, L.

    *goes for another pint*

  68. Swineshead Says:

    ‘essential metal listening’

    Contradiction in terms.

  69. breeks Says:

    @fourstar – i didn’t diss ladyhawke, i just don’t like sharing.

    la roux are a bit like monkeys with typewriters. give anyone a synth and a blindfold and eventually something resembling sound will come out. image over audio.

    *eats banana*

  70. piqued Says:

    GSMI. You had me there.

    Well done.

  71. indy Says:

    “out and proud homosexualist metal:”

    start of tour: 02.04.09 – Nancy (FR) – Bar L’Alhambra


  72. piqued Says:

    ‘Let’s not get personal with GSMI, eh?’

    Well at least I didn’t tell him to fuck off did I? Eh? No.

    (I didn’t)

  73. Mel Says:

    *skips through daffodils with DINLT*

    Aah that’s better.

    And piqued has just been check-mated, so now we can get away from the cock swingers of rock too!

  74. indy Says:

    fourstar: ok. i think i understand the concept of l-pop. i thought that it was something like j-pop… lithuania? lesotho?

  75. Napoleon Says:

    ‘Ain’t No Doubt’ by Jimmy Nail is MY kind of music. I like all of Jimmy Nail’s music, and also music associated with Jimmy Nail. This rather short list includes Jimmy Nail’s ‘Crocodile Shoes’ and ‘That’s Livin’ Alright’ from Auf Weidershen Pet which starred Jimmy Nail. I don’t like Evita, though I do like the song Jimmy Nail sings in Evita, because it’s sung by Jimmy Nail. If anyone else sings it, I go back to not liking it.

  76. breeks Says:


  77. breeks Says:

    when i first heard ‘ain’t no doubt’ i fancied jimmy nail and it was even enough to keep me fancying him for some time after i’d seen the v unfortunate video.

    at that point in my life i did, however, also have a thing for julian lennon.

    christ. i need a multivitamin.

  78. fourstar Says:

    @indy: If I reply I’ll have to go for another pint.

    Ah. Bugger.

    *goes for third pint*

  79. Napoleon Says:

    There’s double-standards on this site. So far, I’ve said Mr. H (GSMI) is:

    A chimpanzee
    A chimpanzee crossed with a space hopper
    A child abuser
    A troglodyte
    An apeman
    A drunkard
    A liar
    A rat
    A fat rat
    A fat bastard
    A one-eyed Scotch idiot
    An animal
    A cannibal
    A wife-beater

    And not been told off once for getting personal.

  80. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – When I hear about the hole the sky, you know what happens? Saltwater wells in my eye, that’s what.

  81. godshatmyipod Says:

    piqued – spot on, apart from the bald bit

    breeks – Hawkwind rule, as my forthcoming attendance at my 50th or so HW show attests.

    Indy – L-pop detects population stratification in samples of unrelated individuals for whom a number of unlinked genotypes have been measured.

    Everyone knows that. [shakes head and goes for lunch]

  82. breeks Says:

    i am a rock revolving
    around a golden sun
    i am a million people
    rolled into one
    (i am very fat, obv)

  83. Mel Says:

    S’alright Nappers. they fixed that particular hole by banning aerosols.

  84. Napoleon Says:

    Julian Lennon always reminded me of someone …

  85. breeks Says:

    @napoleon – that’ll be paul mccartney, then.

  86. godshatmyipod Says:

    I’m with Perry on this one.

    What sort of world are we living in if you can’t call a Scotch chimpanzee, crossed with a space hopper, child abuser, troglodyte, apeman, drunkard, liar, rat, fat rat, fat bastard, one-eyed Scotch idiot, animal, cannibal, wife-beater a Scotch chimpanzee, crossed with a space hopper, child abuser, troglodyte, apeman, drunkard, liar, rat, fat rat, fat bastard, one-eyed Scotch idiot, animal, cannibal, wife-beater.

    The wrong sort of world, that’s what sort.


  87. indy Says:

    breeks: julian lennon did have a “hit” with the ballad “salt water” at the time of jimmy nails chart success, right? myself i was too busy listening to charles and eddie (“would i lie to you”) and eg and alice (“indian”)…

  88. indy Says:

    np: so if we got them all at this place: who will then sign the stimilus bill?

  89. breeks Says:

    @indy – i don’t know the timings, they are rather vague like my memory. i think i first ‘fell’ (oh god) for jule-len on the back of ‘now we’re in heaven’ (now we’re in heaven take hold of my hand).

    ok julian! take my hand!

    oh god.

    i’m depressed. quick. i need a drink and a cig. a rollup, please, not one of those filthy tailors.

  90. breeks Says:


    it’s ‘now you’re in heaven’.

    a love song to a DEAD person?


  91. ugeine Says:




  92. ugeine Says:

    Morring everybody.

  93. indy Says:

    (we just had a comedy moment at my office when a colleague, five years in the company, displayed her ignorance by not recognizing a person who has been working at a neighbouring department for two years)

  94. ugeine Says:

    Children of The Grave isn’t fast. Stormtrooper of Death is fast.

  95. Napoleon Says:

    Morning, Ugeine. Finished applying your ridiculous makeup, have you? Had your daily fill of the film ‘The Crow’. Your sort makes me sick to my stomach.

  96. indy Says:

    ugeine: goth?

  97. ugeine Says:

    My heart is like a diseased Dickensian blackbird been kicked in the teeth by the crueltly of your words, Napoleon.

    *writes some crap poetry*

  98. ugeine Says:

    I prefer Lord Elect of the Night, Indie.

  99. breeks Says:

    @ugeine – blackbird don’t have teeth. is that cause they’ve all been kicked in the mouth by naps?

  100. office pest Says:

    Katy Perry – Phwooaarrr

    Those chaps asking David ‘recovering alchoholic’** Hasselhof out for drinks.

    The Pet Shop Boys hitarama. Those were the highlights for me.

    I realise I have strayed off topic by mentioning the Brits here.

    *bangs head off door frame in time to Sabbath, Bloody Sabbath*

    **I’ve heard

  101. Napoleon Says:

    I’m noted for the cruelty of my words, Ugeine. We can’t all be good ‘uns.

  102. indy Says:

    oh, I didn’t realise that you wrote poetry, I didn’t realise you wrote such bloody awful poetry!

  103. ugeine Says:

    Also, Most revered Servent of Our Lord Beelzebub, Obsidian Blackbird McKnight and Angie.

  104. ugeine Says:

    Mr Shhhhhhankly.

  105. Napoleon Says:

    Here’s some awful poetry:

    I’m out of me wits,
    I’ve got the shits,
    There’s shit all over me bed.

    I’m covered in shit
    Fucking smothered in it,
    It’s even on me ‘ead.

    I thank you.

  106. Ashby de la Launde Says:

    Oh give us money

  107. Mel Says:

    And just when I was thinking about the line “frankly Mr Shankly, since you ask, you are a flatulent pain in the arse” Nappers gives us a poem about shitting.

  108. ugeine Says:

    *standing ovation aimed at NP*

  109. breeks Says:


  110. ugeine Says:

    There once was a man from Kentucky

    Who… Doh!

    (Simpsons quote, see if you can guess the epidose)

  111. indy Says:

    sorry for forcing you all into a smiths sing-a-long…

  112. ugeine Says:





    Is the Mail trying to become The Onion?

  113. Mel Says:

    At least the Smiths had lyrics that we can all join in with Indy. I couldn’t tell you lyrics from all that rock mentioned earlier.

    ExcepRooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrr obviously

  114. ugeine Says:

    I’m not at all shocked by this!

    Under “Brown’s Britain”, street crime has soared and so its no surprise that kids would choose to stay at home and use facebook rather than go out and get stabbed.

    This is what happens when our so-called government decide to give every kid a computer – the kids learn violence from the terrible computer games and when they do eventually go out, they enact what they’ve seen on screen.
    What’s wrong with promoting sports and playing outside? Oh… I know… its because the computer companies give Mr. Darling loads of money to make sure we keep promoting them!
    Click to rate Rating 30- Matt, London, UK, 19/2/2009 4:39

  115. Mel Says:

    According to the Hate Mail, everything causes cancer Ugeine, except things that actually do

  116. Steve Says:

    Next year I’m going to organise a mass vote for Half Man Half Biscuit as best live act. That would confuse the young ‘uns.

    Oh and Journey – Don’t Stop Believin’ for best song.

  117. ugeine Says:

    I’d vote for that Steve. Say them in leicester and they were great.

  118. indy Says:

    *sets up quest to track down “Matt, London, UK” and take a shit on his head*

  119. breeks Says:

    i know a matt in london who may not be the same matt mentioned but who’d certainly be improved by being (copiously, please) shat on.


  120. Steve Says:

    Yeah ugeine, I caught them in Manchester after many years of wanting to see them. The best lyricist around, I’ve concluded.

  121. Mel Says:

    Indy, the poor man reads the Daily Mail


  122. indy Says:

    i’ll start eating swedish ärtsoppa today and keep “saving up” for the revenge til end of march.

  123. Napoleon Says:

    Them in Leicester and they were great.

    Well I’ve said it, Ugeine …. what happens next?

    *awaits instructions*

  124. vones Says:

    Bloody ‘ell, nip down the shops for a bit and I miss out on all the fun.

    Manowar are pure win. I fucking love them without a shread of irony.

    I think irony gets in the way of enjoying music properly, whic is why 90’s music was mostly suck.

  125. piqued Says:


    How come Indy has got one of those ‘a’ things? He’s got a souped-up ‘o’ as well. It’s not fair

  126. Nick of the T Says:

    Brit awards?

    I call them The SHit Awards ha ha hah ha!

    Those girls should not be “Aloud” anywhere near a microphine.

    The ,not as good as they think, Elbow were bound to win something as their one chord wonder managed to fluke a Mercury.

    I’m going to lie on the couch and read Viz, Private Eye and the new Word…….

  127. ugeine Says:

    That’s a secret pledge that means you now have to follow all aspects of Goth, Napoleon. Gutted.

  128. indy Says:

    i saw manowar at earthshaker festival in geiselwind, bavaria. they did a very loud tribute to richard wagner. there was pics of the band posing by his tomb and everything. gives a bit of perspective…

  129. ugeine Says:

    Definitely a great lyricist, Steve, I agree. ‘Let’s pedestrianise the high street!’

  130. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    indy – how?

  131. indy Says:

    piqued: we got Å, Ö and Ä. how do you like them vowels?

  132. breeks Says:

    i’m off to a child protection case conference now. i’ll probably make the wrong decision and childer-people will die or be horribly harmed but y’all have a nice afternoon now.

    *hides bourbon*

  133. indy Says:

    JQW: “indy – how?”

    how what?

  134. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    You’ve not got them ones with lines through though. They’re the bees knees.

  135. godshatmyipod Says:

    Mel – how can you not sing along to;

    “Your burning face
    A charcoal cinder
    Lump of putrid sizzling flesh
    Dripping features deforming fast
    Scream ’til your mouth fuses shut
    To barbeque I sentence you.”*


    “Modulistic terror
    A vast sadistic feast
    The only way to exit
    Is going piece by piece
    Bones and blood lie on the ground
    Rotten limbs lie dead
    Decapitated bodies found
    On my wall, your head!” **

    Or, at Number 1

    “The sledge, my tool to torture
    As it pounds down on your forehead
    Eyes bulging from the sockets
    With every swing of my mallet
    I smash your fucking head in, until brains seep in
    Through the crack
    Blood does leak distorted beauty
    Catastrophe steaming slop
    Splattered all over me
    Lifeless body, slouching dead
    Lecherous abcess
    Where you once had a head.” ***

    Better than all that nancy boy “ooh, me raincoats not as cool as it used to be, I think I’ll go cry under a tree and pretend me life’s not mardy” indie shite.

    *Autopsy – ‘Burnt to a Fuck’ from “Shitfun”
    ** Slayer – ‘Piece by Piece’ from “Reign In Blood”
    ***Cannibal Corpse – ‘Hammer Smashed Face’ from “Hammer Smashed Face”

  136. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Puts them in perspective of being unfit to gobble Wagner’s balls, that’s what!

  137. indy Says:

    JQW: yes sir!

    the ones with the lines are just silly. we gave ’em away to the danes and norwegians.

  138. Mel Says:

    GSMIPod – I cannot sing along to them because i’ve never heard the songs, and thus do not know what the lyrics are. I’d wager that even you had to get them off the sleeve because they all sound like this:


  139. GregHorrorShow Says:

    Swineshead – cheeky for having a link there or for the content of the blog?

    Apologies if offended by linkage – wasn’t meant to be spam, I was commenting on your post in the first instance.

    *note no link this time just in case* 😀

  140. breeks Says:

    i went out with a metalhead. his name was actually igor.


  141. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – You sneaky bastard.

  142. ugeine Says:

    I forgot how supernaturally shit Cannibal Corpse are.

  143. godshatmyipod Says:

    Mel – course you can.

    The first one goes “ga-dang-dang-danggg-dang-ka-dang”

    The 2nd one goes “dang-ga-dang-danggg-dang-ka-ka-danggg”

    and the third goes “dangggggg-ga-dangg-dang-danggggg-ka-dangggggg”

    [shakes head and sighs, again]

  144. Steve Says:

    There’s a man with a mullet going mad with a mallet in Millets

  145. Mel Says:

    I know a metaller that actually changed his name by deed poll to Sorobain de Lioncourt. Fact, although it might be badly spelled

  146. ugeine Says:

    It’s probably godshatmyipod, Steve.

  147. vones Says:

    S’far as Death Metal goes Carcass’s Necroticism was the higest point. Amazing stuff. Catchy too. Autopsy never floated my boat, Slayer are always top and weirdly enough i’ve just bought CC’s latest album for my girlfriend’s birthday.

  148. ugeine Says:

    Is your child hyperactive? / or perhaps he’s just a twat.

  149. Napoleon Says:

    Speaking of birthdays, it’s mine tomorrow.

    Just thought I’d chuck that in …

  150. godshatmyipod Says:

    ugeine / Steve – wisnae me, never have / will have a mullet. Was always the uniform length all the way round. Proper metal.

    However, I have went mad in Millets. Just not with a mallet or mullet, Timmy or otherwise.

  151. Mel Says:


  152. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Really? You old fart.

  153. godshatmyipod Says:

    Perry – congrats. Just make sure you don’t use the free bus pass to leave your home town. I’ve got me flying monkeys keeping an eye out.

    And if all the child protection officers are at a conference, who’s protecting our children? Every Speedo in the country will be out diddling little kiddies as we speak.

    It’s An Outrage and I, for one, demand that Something Be Done About It.

    Shower o’ shites.

  154. ugeine Says:

    It’s a half man half biscuit lyric, GSMI. Nothing personal.

  155. indy Says:

    … and i’m off. heading home through the snowy streets of copenhagen…

  156. godshatmyipod Says:

    Mel – that’s the game, see you’re getting the hang of it. You’ll be back ordering the Gorgoroth catalogue before you know it.

  157. godshatmyipod Says:

    ugeine “It’s a half man half biscuit lyric, GSMI. Nothing personal.”

    Thankfully, I have no idea what you’re on about. Is he / she / it some kind of superhero who comes to the aid of people in need of something to dunk in their tea?

  158. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Lazy Europeans…

  159. piqued Says:

    Re. Death Metal, apart from Slayer I am very fond of Celtic Frost -though they look rather daft these days.

  160. ugeine Says:

    Happy birthday Napoleon. I butchered some ‘elf and safety beurocrats and made their intestines into a card, it’s in the post.

  161. vones Says:

    Celtic Frost! Woooo! Or should I say urrrgh!

    My band did a cover of ‘The Heart Beneath’ because it was the music they played on the Manga Video trailer. Yeah, we were cooooool.

    Tom Warrior looks like he’s gone a bit wrong.

  162. ugeine Says:

    GSMI: The lead singer could do such superhero activities in his spare time, though it’d be limited to The Wirral.

  163. piqued Says:

    GSMI, here you go (though I’m sure you know perfectly well who they are you naughty fellow, playing fast and loose with my heartsz)

  164. piqued Says:

    … or even ‘UH’

    Isn’t Tom W credited with the invention of the death grunt? If not he should be, he’s ruddy well good at it.

  165. godshatmyipod Says:


    I will stay well clear of said link, as it will doubtless take me to some indie gay pron involving raincoats, gazing at shoes and geography teachers.

    You don’t get me that easy.

  166. ugeine Says:

    Spoiling Good Friday my ex-love sent to me
    Twelve drummers singing
    Eleven chairmen dancing
    Ten mascots whinging
    Nine stewards flapping
    Eight christening invites
    Seven cows a-barking
    Six vicars strumming
    Nick fucking Knowles
    Four boring words
    Carphone Warehouse and Matalan
    And a pulled up at Bangor-on-Dee

  167. godshatmyipod Says:

    Everyone! Call 999! ugeine has had a stroke.

  168. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – I’ll take no happy birthdays from the likes of you, thanks very much. It’s not my birthday (that’s tomorrow … did I mention that?).

  169. ugeine Says:

    Do you understand how hard it is for us Goths to wish somebody happy birthday? For sending well wishes to somebody else I’m not allowed to smile till 2060 now.

  170. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    We’re trying to get it out of the way now before noone cares tomorrow.

  171. Napoleon Says:

    Not my bloody fault if you got the wrong day, is it? You should have waited until tomorrow (my birthday), you powder-faced goon.

  172. godshatmyipod Says:


    The advent of the growl as it is used today coincided roughly with the gradual emergence of death metal, and it is thus difficult to pinpoint a specific individual as the inventor of the technique.

    Different vocalists likely developed the style over time. The band Death (and its precursor Mantas) with its two vocalists — initially Kam Lee and subsequently Chuck Schuldiner — have essentially been cited as being influential (although Schuldiner would eventually switch to a more high-pitched screeching).

    Possessed is considered by some to be one of the earliest bands to employ growls, as are Necrophagia and Master. Around the same time, bands such as Hellhammer, with Tom G. Warrior on vocals, and Massacre also employed a variation of the growl.

    So there. How to suck all the pleasure out of death metal in three easy paragraphs. Fuggin students.

  173. ugeine Says:

    Who was responsible for the invention of posing with a giant hammer and not realising how much of a dick you look?

  174. badgermadge Says:


    Re: The kids getting their hair so thick:
    1. Don’t use shampoo much – just wet it.
    2. Spray hair with dry shampoo after a blow dry with hair tipped upside down.
    3. Back comb with hair-sprayed comb.
    4. Use wax/gunk to mess up ends.


    Try it tomorrow on yer bday and feel like a younun…

    In other news…

    *drum roll*


    BMTV will be back with a vengeance this week!

    Yes, you heard it right. We’re finally getting broadband and it’s being turned on –

    some time tonight.

    Oh yeah!

    Except, I’ll be out watching Heroes and Lost at a mates.

    But… BMTV is back, and that’s all you need to know!

    *TA DAH!*

    *tumble weed*

  175. badgermadge Says:

    yeah yeah. ha ha. very funny…



  176. Napoleon Says:

    BMTV – With my hair, I’m not sure that’ll work. There’s not an awful lot of it to back-comb, see?

    Nice to hear you’re coming back. Mind you, you said that a bit ago and didn’t. So now I’m wondering if this is all lies …

  177. badgermadge Says:

    I said we’re getting broadband but didn’t know when it’d be switched on.

    It’s being switched on tonight… No word of a lie.

    Woo woo!

  178. godshatmyipod Says:

    ugeine – that would be Thor. The Norse God, not the Canadian hot water bottle blower upper.*

    Have a word with his Mum and Dad, Odin and Jörd (ooh, an ümlaut, ooh another one). Maybe they can ground him or something for arsing around with weaponry in a foolhardy manner.

    *not a lie

  179. Who Says:

    You do MEAN it this time don’t ya, Badger? Otherwise I may go and do some more murders…

  180. Excelsior! Says:

    Its very metal in here today

    How about a meat ship instead

  181. vones Says:

    The hammer is a subtle prop. Just google image search ‘Immortal’ for over the top lunacy. For the record, Immortal are ace, and very, very silly.

  182. breeks Says:

    i’m back from the child protection conference and find nothing of interest here.


  183. Mel Says:

    I am most definitely NOT clicking on a link called the meat ship.


  184. Mel Says:

    Hi Breeks, did you manage to protect it then? It’s been like the flaming Kerrang forum in here today

  185. breeks Says:

    well. we stuck them all on a child protection plan but it’s an inevitable removal into foster care.

    my project aren’t suitable so i went ‘yeah, child prot plan but nah, want nothing to do with it’ and ran.

    nice cuppa tea and a cookie now.


  186. Excelsior! Says:

    Mel – Curiosity will eat away at you until late at night, unable to sleep, you slink back to your keyboard and satsify your ghoulish urge to view an entire dish of meat constructed to look like a ship.

  187. piqued Says:

    That meat ship is brilliant and quite disgusting

  188. Napoleon Says:

    That meat ship’s quite impressive, in a shit sort of way.

  189. Excelsior! Says:

    Slow news day.

  190. Mel Says:

    Hope it is a chocolatey cookie breeks.

    I could do with a cuppa too.

    This is a work laptop, excelsior, i will never be tempted

  191. godshatmyipod Says:

    But how many kiddies were diddled when breeks was conferencing. This is the news no-one is covering. All the Speedos were running loose and you were looking at meatships.

    Ooh…a meat ship….

  192. piqued Says:

    ‘I could do with a cuppa too’

    It’s always me me me with you isn’t it Mel. What if I’d like a cuppa? You didn’t think about that did you. No. You didn’t.

    Selfish as you are high.

  193. piqued Says:

    I wonder if the captain of the meat ship is called Pigwash. It wouldn’t be Captain Birdseye would it, he’d be on the fish-ship full of buoys.

  194. Napoleon Says:

    Boson Brisket and Able Seaman Sausages?

  195. breeks Says:

    GSMiPod – lots, with any luck, in other local authorities other than mine, yeah?


    tea for you mel…*hands cuppa over the north sea or whatever the hell the sea that separates us is. the channel? what? anyway*

    cuppe, piqued? heavily sugared now you’re elderly?

  196. Napoleon Says:

    They should have made the masts out of Pepperamis. Much sturdier than Herta frankfurters.

  197. breeks Says:

    what would the pirate captain of the meatship be called?

    captain beef-beard?



  198. piqued Says:

    Or Chorizo NC, that’d hold fast during a force 10 gale. Herta Franfurters would just split, the wankers

  199. Mel Says:

    Cheers Breeks, that was lovely. Ans yes, the North Sea.

    Selfish as i am high piqued – what on earth does that mean?

    I am not offering you a cuppa, it gets you too excited.

  200. godshatmyipod Says:

    Surely Captain Beefheart.

    [falls off chair in near fatal amusement incident]

  201. Excelsior! Says:

    Chorizo? This aint no Spanish galleon Piqued.

  202. Napoleon Says:

    Chorizo’s a bit thick for masts on a ship of that scale, Piqued. Pepperamis are both sturdy and the right size for the model displayed.

  203. piqued Says:

    It’s not a German or Italian one either Excelsior, yet you didn’t moan about the Frankfurters or NC’s Pepperoni did you? No. You sexist pig.

  204. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Chorizo tend to be curved as well. What you need for the mainsal is a kebab on a skewer.
    My meatship would plunder your chorizo or pepperami galleons in no time.

  205. piqued Says:

    NC, you have a point but I was thinking of thin Chorizo

  206. godshatmyipod Says:

    I reckon we should call upon Morris Adamson for advice.

    Mr Adamson from Rothbury Family Butchers was crowned North Eastern Great British Sausage Week Regional winner with his Cragside Cracker sausage by legendary cricket umpire and national icon Dickie Bird MBE.

    He’ll make sure Her Majestys Meat Ship sails straight and true.

  207. breeks Says:

    i once had a boyfriend who had a curved penis. he was french. so was his penis.

  208. Napoleon Says:

    It’d have to be very thin, Piqued. Pepperami thin – thinner than any chorizo I’ve ever come across.

    Face it, I’ve hit the nail on the head with my Pepperami suggestion.

    Anyway, I thought Pepperamis come from Germany?

  209. godshatmyipod Says:

    110 million sticks of Peperami are eaten every year- enough to stretch from Plymouth to Aberdeen!

  210. piqued Says:

    Strictly speaking they do, but they sound sort of Italian

    Chipolatas would have done the trick too, though he missed a trick by not using Liver as a brown whale

  211. piqued Says:

    … or Dolphin for scale

  212. breeks Says:

    frozen sausages would work. sturdy. nice long bbq ones. made of beef, maybe.

  213. Excelsior! Says:

    We could argue about the provenance of the other meats all day piqued, but that fact is if something dosn’t fit my argument i simply ignore it.

  214. Mel Says:

    i think i liked it better when you were talking about rock. I notice you’ve scared the younguns away

  215. Napoleon Says:

    Fuck that. There’s absolutely no reason to go to Aberdeen, be you trailing a line of Peperamis behind you or not. Better to stay at home, put on Jeremy Kyle and eat one hundred and ten million Perperamis in your underpants.

  216. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – No they wouldn’t. Clearly you haven’t looked at the photos. If you had, you’d notice they cook the ship at the end. Your frozen sausage idea is shit.

  217. breeks Says:

    even frozen sausages cook, moron.

    also i’ve been to aberdeen. they don’t need pepperami there, they have pubs which are open at 7am. pubs with booze in ’em.

    shut up.

  218. Napoleon Says:

    Chipolatas wouldn’t do either. They’d be too floppy in the construction stage. Again I say, the Peperami is the ideal thing to use.

  219. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – Yes, but there’d be the moment, moron, between frozen and cooked – i.e. floppy. That’s when your idiot plan to use frozen sausages (literally) falls apart, you fucking moron.

  220. piqued Says:

    If you noticed the ‘Furters were attached with a wooden spindle. You’d have a devil of time inserting one of those into a solidly packing ‘Roni, and it’d be madness to put one in the oven without support as it would warp under heat.

    You need to think on my friend

  221. breeks Says:

    shut up.

    just shut up.

    that’s what skewers are for.

    cooked pepperami is a DUMB idea. pepperami is already cured/cooked. once cooked again it’d be like eating shoe leather.


  222. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    I’ll say it again a kebab or soulaki would do the job.

  223. Napoleon Says:

    I reckon the Peperami (not pepperoni as you keep saying – too much fat) would hold up in the heat, Piqued. Don’t get me wrong, I believe your chorizo would too – it’s just too thick to be used as masts on a vessel of that size.

  224. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – There’s no indication of anyone eating this thing from the photos. You seem a bit mixed up, love.

  225. Excelsior! Says:

    This frozen sausage concept is ludicrous breeks.

    I suspect its why you didn’t win masterchef

  226. Do I Not Like That! Says:


  227. Napoleon Says:

    DINLT – A kebab would have all knobbly bits on it. You need something smooth and straight for a ship’s mast.

  228. breeks Says:

    all quite right. it came down to fucking sausages and i didn’t want gregg’s.

  229. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    ooh er…my screens gone funny..

  230. piqued Says:

    Breeks is getting a bit cross now

    I’m happy to beg to differ with you all on this. Mind you, the failure of not using squashed marrowbone as a puddle of sea sick is a disgrace

  231. Napoleon Says:

    DINLT – You’ve made this site look untidy now.

  232. godshatmyipod Says:

    The Admiralty he continued entertain we have the good luck shish kebab if anything is the to sea in shish kebab ship wife.

  233. Who Says:

    Surely it only becomes a kebab when the meat is sliced off the impaler cooking thing and placed into the pitta with all veg? When it’s twirling around minding its own business, what’s that bit called?

  234. Napoleon Says:

    “Breeks is getting a bit cross now”

    Ah well. She souldn’t come up with a ludicrous solution to a simple meat engineering problem. If you don’t want your ideas examined and damned for the nonsense they are, don’t put ’em forward to the committee.

  235. Napoleon Says:

    Who – You get them kebabs served on wooden sticks at buffets. They still have knobbly bits, mind.

  236. breeks Says:

    you won’t win the war napoleon. historically you don’t, look it up.

    *cooks furiously*

  237. godshatmyipod Says:

    Where’s that Eurogit Thumper when you need him. I happen to know that in the Paloma Pizza place in Fuengirola, they have a Kebab Boat.

    Surely that would solve all your problems and bring world peace about, and other good stuff.

  238. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Perhaps swines could delete my kebab comment.
    Sorry for the mess.

  239. piqued Says:

    Which should make her kiss the gunners daughter

    (it’s okay Breeks, Pigwash will only throw strands of finely minced beef at you)

  240. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – That’s as maybe, but I certainly win the frozen sausages versus Peperamis meat mast suitability war.

    *lights cigar*

  241. Who Says:

    Exactly, Nappers. I can see this whole damn project coming crashing down because of a ridiculous misunderstanding* over a skewered -v- a pocket based snack.

    Fault = WIMMINS

  242. piqued Says:

    (what was ‘we should’ of course)

  243. breeks Says:

    i’m off out to dinner tonight, at a friend’s place, incidentally.

    i may put in an order for a meatship. they’ll tell me to fuck off, rightly, but i will ask anyway.

  244. piqued Says:

    (that was ‘that was’ naturally)

  245. Swineshead Says:

    What’s going on in here then? I can’t be arsed to read 242 comments.

  246. Napoleon Says:

    Who – I reckon what DINLT was driving at was using the skewer itself as the mast. But o’course, that’s not meat then, is it?

    Apologies if I’m wrong, DINLT.

  247. breeks Says:

    i like how we fight about the important stuff.


  248. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – The best thing to use as a mast on a meat ship. I’m yet to see a better suggestion than the Peperami.

  249. Swineshead Says:

    I’m enjoying this week’s Horizon, by the way. A proper scientist just said, ‘yes, I’m a hypocrite, I’m one of the planet-fuckers’.


  250. Napoleon Says:

    “i like how we fight about the important stuff”

    For the life of me, I can’t think of anything more important than how best to construct a scale model of an 18th century warship out of meat.

  251. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    No you are right Nap, that was my idea and it would increase the structural rigidity. Anyway I have moved on and am thinking of the construction of a stealth bomber.

  252. Napoleon Says:

    Planet fucking?

  253. breeks Says:

    i wasn’t speaking in jest. meat is not funny. it’s life.

  254. Napoleon Says:

    DINLT – Then it’s disqualified on the grounds of not being made out of meat.

  255. Napoleon Says:

    It’s not life anymore, is it? Now it’s meat.

  256. Excelsior! Says:

    @ Swineshead

    Have you seen the crazy picture of a room full of lightning yet?

  257. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Oh I should say the skewer would be wrapped with meat. But you would have the skewer acting as the mast, thus increasing structural rigidity. btw I prefer to call it soulaki rather than kebab.

  258. Swineshead Says:

    Yeah. He’s a ‘planet-fucker’.

  259. Swineshead Says:

    Exelsior – what, the fusion building at the beginning? I have indeed. The one made out of meat.

  260. Napoleon Says:

    DINLT – But the knobbly meat on the outside of the skewer would render it useless as a bloody mast! We’ve been over this. A mast needs to be smooth so they can raise and lower the (bacon) sails. Take the meat off the skewers and it no longer qualifies as a meat mast. Keep up!

  261. Napoleon Says:

    How do you go about fucking a planet?

  262. Excelsior! Says:

    Oh god.
    The engineering involved in making a meat based fusion reactor dosn’t bare thinking about.

  263. Swineshead Says:

    Exelsior – so long as the central mast is made of peperami it should function.

    Planet-fucking = eating coal, as far as I can gather.

  264. Napoleon Says:

    Excelsior – Hold those horses!

    Give me ten minutes and I’ll have the bugger in the bag …

  265. Excelsior! Says:

    You need to do alot of meathematics.


  266. Napoleon Says:

    Eating coal? Don’t pregnant women do that? I don’t see how that constitutes shagging a planet.

  267. Napoleon Says:

    “You need to do alot of meathematics.”

    Ah, shit …

    *falls flat on his arse*

  268. breeks Says:

    nap’s engineering might not meAt the needs of the ship.

    oh god.

  269. godshatmyipod Says:

    Planet fucking, eh?

    How could you possibly make a rubber johnny big enough? And where would you put it?

    I’m not going anywhere near one of them volcanic craters that furriners insist on living atop. It’s bound to be riddled with the French clap.

  270. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Nap- Yes i see your point, but it depends on the mast (Soulaki).
    Now a satay would be quite smooth, as would a shami kebab, as preferred by south east asian meat boat builders. Using the same principle, it is not beyond the wit of man to have a smooth soulaki, underpinned by a skewer, thus increasing structural rigidity.

  271. Napoleon Says:

    Showing your age with that ‘rubber johnny’ comment there, Mr. H. Off to see Wizzard tonight? Fancy a pint of Double Diamond down at The Dog and Duck?

  272. breeks Says:

    DINLT – could we have a vegetable crow’s nest?

  273. Excelsior! Says:

    breeks a comment like that gets you thrown to the (salivating) sharks on this mans meat ship

  274. Napoleon Says:

    DINLT – I thought it was ‘souvlaki’? Anyway, the only kebab I can see working is that Turkish monstrosity that looks like a giant turd. It’s made out of some sort of mince I can’t identify and tastes like a 1970s economy beef-burger.

  275. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Yes breeks no prob. Indeed I see no reason for a vegetable soulaki, perhaps for the poop deck, or perhaps the mizen. Maybe both.

  276. breeks Says:

    i believe it’s made mostly of mechanically reclaimed meat, like all modern foodstuffs got from kebab shops and iceland.

  277. godshatmyipod Says:

    You can never be too careful, hence the the packet of rubber johnnies in my wallet for emergencies.

    They were me Dads before me, and his Dads before his. We made proper rubber johnnies in them days. Now if it was a pint of Watneys Red Barrel, I’d be there in a shot.

  278. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    minor correction.

    Indeed I see no reason why not for a vegetable soulaki, perhaps for the poop deck, or perhaps the mizen. Maybe both.

  279. roszs Says:

    How many comments?! I can’t read all these! How dare you all have such extended conversations?

    *stalks off in disgust*

  280. Napoleon Says:

    All food got from kebab shops, Breeks? Must be one hell of a machine that can squeeze that much mechanically reclaimed meat into the exact shape, colour and texture of fresh, uncooked cubed lamb. Amazing what they can nowadays …

    *wonders where the food snobs get their information from*
    *remembers they simply make it up*

  281. ugeine Says:


  282. Napoleon Says:

    DINLT – Your minor correction doesn’t seem to have corrected anything. You bastard, you got my hopes up then.

    Mr H. – Oaf.

  283. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – What’s happened? You haven’t dropped your My Chemical Romance CDs into the pit of despair that’s opened up in your bedroom, have you?

  284. ugeine Says:

    That’s emo, grandpa.

    *rollerblades off*

  285. Napoleon Says:

    So? It’s all young people’s rubbish. You all look the same to me, with your hair, your mobile phones and your miserable, moping faces. How am I supposed to figure out which clique of eye-shadow wearing pricks likes what sort of shit, fly-by-night music? Fuck that, life’s too short.

    Anyway, just you wait. You’ll be me quicker than you think.

  286. ugeine Says:

    I’m never getting old. Just like The Who.

  287. indy Says:

    “katie perry”

    katy perry. +5 000 annoying points.

  288. asdf Says:

    Swineshead. You are a rubbish writer.

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