The Friday Question – TV Games

by

Image by BP Perry

Hello, Napoleon here. I’m taking time out from my poverty stricken Northern life of flat caps, whippets, pigeon-racing, smacking my kids about and dying of consumption to ask you this week’s Friday Question.

Now then. We all love telly … indeed, some of us take the love we have for telly too far. Unpopular WWM reader Dave, for example, has a bizarre sex contraption rigged up to his miserable little set that allows him to ‘virtually’ have sex with children’s television character, Doctor Who. They say you can hear the wailing sobs of utter despair for miles around once he’s finished his shameful business thrice-nightly.

Anyway, I digress. We all love telly, but it’s hardly what you’d call an interactive experience, is it? Yes, you can vote out some wally on Big Brother, or have your cash subtly stolen off you by ITV (those rats), but that’s not exactly the futuristic interactive TV experience that Tomorrow’s World lied to us we’d get back in the ’70s, is it?

But what if it could be? What if your favourite telly show was a game? What would it be, who would you play, and what would happen? Would it be a board game? A card game? Or a whistles ‘n’ bells computer game like wot they have in the future?

To get you started, here’s what Swineshead and I came up with when we were out mugging old ladies earlier in the week …

GRAND THEFT OF THE SUMMER WINE

Play as Compo, Last of the Summer Wine’s loveable, welly-boots wearing lothario. Climb moorland! Find Howard and Marina hiding behind a wall! Knock on Nora’s door and then leg it! Volunteer your services for Foggy’s latest experiment in downhill tin bath charioteering! It’s the sandbox open world game that goes on forever and ever and ever and ever …

SIMS OF A FEATHER

Ever wanted to control one of those awful women off of Birds of a Feather? Fancy watching them eat and eat and eat? Feel inclined to listen to endless hours of unfunny dialogue coming out of the mouth of a painted monstrosity with a shrew’s arsehole for a face? Then you need the world’s only Birds of a Feather simulator! Sound a bit rubbish? Well yes … until you realise you’re the one controlling their bowels!

So there you go. What’s YOUR game, WWMers?

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143 Responses to “The Friday Question – TV Games”

  1. indy Says:

    “…gging old ladies earlier in the week …”

    @np: happy birthday!

    i don’t know if this as already been done but i’d love to see the documentary “lara croft – womb raider”

  2. Swineshead Says:

    That’s the wrong way round, Indy – it’s meant to be Tv shows into games.

    Like a Resident Evil style Hollyoaks game in which you storm around Chester hacking up brainless teen zombies.

  3. indy Says:

    what about “who wants to be a millionaire”? someone should turn that show into a game. maybe even construct some kind of device so you play while hanging out with your friends in weatherspoons in rayners lane. that would be great!

  4. Swineshead Says:

    I can trump you there, Indy – as I feel The Weakest Link could make a GREAT computer game and could be installed in UK drinking holes, making Robinson’s distinctive cathphrase ring out throughout the land.

  5. indy Says:

    coronation street fighter? mr bison moves in to the neighbourhood.

  6. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    I do not love telly so “we all love telly” is not correct. There are a few programs that I enjoy, but love is too strong for this wwm’er.

    Where’s my slice of birthday cake?

  7. Napoleon Says:

    Indy – Thank you.

    I could only see these pub-based TV games working if there was some sort of unfair time restriction imposed on answering questions. Perhaps ten seconds to both read and answer said question?

  8. Swineshead Says:

    You do love telly, DINLT, you big liar.

  9. Napoleon Says:

    DINLT – I’m making it out of meat as we speak.

  10. Swineshead Says:

    Naturally, NC. A strict time limit alongside a difficulty level that rises at a ridiculous rate. You big birthday bastard.

  11. Napoleon Says:

    And maybe some sort of second chance system that doesn’t make any sense, and is only there to give the player false hope?

  12. Swineshead Says:

    Sounds perfect.
    How about a Batman game, based on the TV show with Adam West rather than any film franchise?

    BOCKO!

    POW!

    SPLAT!

  13. indy Says:

    np: it’s your birthday
    we gon’ party like it’s yo birthday
    we gon’ sip Bacardi like it’s your birthday

    strictly come time limit

  14. Napoleon Says:

    Getting back to this game question, I’d like to see a pack of Top Trumps of racist 1970s television. I suppose the best card would be ‘The Comedians’? Or maybe that hilarious one where a black man (no, seriously, a black man!) moves in next door to a white man?

  15. indy Says:

    np: does it include a picture of a tennis player who looks like a g… nah, forget it.

  16. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Here you go, here’s my computer/tv program game.

    You have a selection of properties to view, and to get to the next stage you have to say things like, “This is light and airy”, “Bit near to the main road”, “Can see potential” etc.
    The price is revealed. The prices spiral up and up, so you gotta act fast, The talking drones that host the game say you gotta act now and prices are going up 20% a year, so you then plunge yourself into a potentially unaffordable situation. It’s OK though because you are playing the deluded phase of the game. The next stage is.. , a random, but not unexpected variable comes into play called economic reality. This makes your position in the game pretty sticky. Suddenly the prices are going down 20% a year and you need to survive.

    OK I realise the game is a bit unrealistic as people would not get swept away on a load of hype, and plunge themselves unstoppably into a debt that could be unpayable. But it is only a game.

  17. Napoleon Says:

    Indy – I don’t know. I’m trying to work out categories. One would have to be ’21st Century Bewilderment’ – scoring from 1-100 based on how amazed someone of today’s generation would be to discover this was ever allowed on the telly. ‘The Comedians’ would score highly in this category because it not only featured racist comedians, but also featured a racist comedian who was black.

  18. godshatmyipod Says:

    I don’t hate telly, but I do hate computer games, so will be spending the day filming my latest straight to video, adult only blockbuster “The Fenn Street Gang Bang”.

    Oh, and here’s a Friday present for all the Half Man Half Biscuit fans;
    http://snipurl.com/cai3i

    That shit Perry is getting nothing, bar my utter contempt, wrapped in a big bow of disdain.

  19. Napoleon Says:

    Thanks, Mr. H. That contempt’s the best present I’ve ever ‘ad.

  20. Nick of the T Says:

    “You’ve Been Flamed” Navigate through a world of pixelated backgrounds fire-bombing 15 year old vids of grannies with their poor old teeth falling out and “amusing?” pets.

    Happy bday Naps, have this http://www.fonejacker.eu/soundboards-terry-tibbs.html hours of fun…..

  21. Nick of the T Says:

    Damn this wordpress! I just posted something and it’s not here, went to post it again…..you know the story.

  22. Nick of the T Says:

    http://www.fonejacker.eu/soundboards-terry-tibbs.html

  23. Nick of the T Says:

    It’s because I put in a link for Nappers!

  24. godshatmyipod Says:

    You’re very unwelcome.

    After “The Fenn Street Gang Bang” wraps (in about ten minutes), it’ onto “Are You Being Serviced”, “Citizen Smut” and “Lust Thy Neighbour”.

    It’s Friday, so it’s half day working.

    However, if there was a game to be made out of any TV show, I’d plump for “The Wheeltappers & Shunters Fight Club”.

    Lardy Northern chaps in flat caps get together at the Layton Institute in Blackpool, and then beat the crap out of each other while the late Colin Crompton and equally late Bernard Manning introduce the fights to the accompaniment of Tina, the knife twirling cartwheeler and Eric Delaney playing the greatest hits of Coldplay on his tubular bells and kettledrum combo.

    I’d buy that.

  25. Nick of the T Says:

    I’m playing with Naps pressie…..

  26. Napoleon Says:

    Thanks for that link, Nick. I feel very special now.

  27. Nick of the T Says:

    Hours of fun naps…

  28. Swineshead Says:

    How old are you then, nappers?

  29. Napoleon Says:

    34, Swineshead.

  30. Swineshead Says:

    Fuck me – ancient.

  31. Napoleon Says:

    Ancient? I’m only four years older than you are, you bloated sod. Anyway, at least I’m not as old as the likes of Mr. H and Piqued. All they’ve got to look forward to now is a slow and miserable death.

  32. Badger Madge Says:

    Merry birthday Nappers. I’m wearing my best sexy secretary look just for you. *wobbles on heels*

    Loving Coronation Street Fighter so much that I’m not going to dirty it with any other idea (ie, I can’t think of anything because I’m devoid of creative thought, being a journalist).

    Maybe, er… Dragon’s Den Quest ??? No… OK…

    *wobbles off*

  33. Badger Madge Says:

    Nappers, my last ‘main squeeze’ before Tupps was 40. I’m 28. So don’t worry, etc.

  34. Napoleon Says:

    Badger – Why thank you. I like the idea of Dragon’s Den Quest. Would it have a secret door you could find that contained a dungeon full of defunct Dragons such as Simon Woodruff, Richard Farley and that woman that looked like George the Hippo off of Rainbow?

  35. roszs Says:

    Happy birthday NC, and well done on reaching such an unfeasibly old age.

    I have nothing to offer you, except my still beating heart.

  36. Breeks Says:

    morning. I’m still in bed. It’s good.

    Happy birthday cockaparte.

    I’d like to see a duke nukem style big brother contestant game. Please. Ooh , or tekken stylee …

  37. indy Says:

    dungeons and dragons den

  38. Napoleon Says:

    Roszs – Thank you for those kind words. I’ll take that heart on toast, please.

    Breeks – Thank you. A fighting game would be good for these characters, as long as the odds were stacked heavily in your favour, and there was some kind of dismemberment button you could press when you had ’em on the ground.

  39. indy Says:

    34 years? i thought that you were born i the scottish highland “aboot” 600 years ago and have spent most time fighting kurrgan (sic?) while cutting peoples heads off…

    i’m a bit disappointed.

  40. Badger Madge Says:

    Indy – much better than my Dragon Quest bollocks.

    Piss. I’m so shit at this. Why can’t we have an easy Friday Question, like what’s your fave ad at the moment (Norwich Union) and how washed up are Trinny and Sussanah (very)?

    *sulks*

    *does work*

  41. Napoleon Says:

    Indy – SCOTCH???

  42. Badger Madge Says:

    Wii Question of Sport?

  43. Napoleon Says:

    Badger – I saw some clip thing that had the anorexic one off of Trinny and Suzannah with her boobs out. They were rubbish boobs, they were. For all her fancy clothes.

  44. Badger Madge Says:

    Ummm… Guitar Hero(es)?

  45. Napoleon Says:

    Aaaaah, the Wii. The missus has one of those. It’s such a delight to watch her playing Animal Crossing on it.

    Walk about
    Fish for stuff
    Buy furniture
    Fish for stuff
    Talk to grumpy tiger
    Donate fish to museum
    Fish for stuff
    Keep appointment with chicken
    Shake trees
    Fish for stuff
    Water flowers

    WHEN DOES THE KILLING BEGIN?

  46. Badger Madge Says:

    yeah her baps looks like spaniels ears. nasty.

  47. Swineshead Says:

    I’d like (and I know Ugeine will agree with me on this) all football commentary across the board to be the same set of tired, generic and programmed lines that ‘Lawro’ recorded for Pro Evo.

    ‘This game is evenly matched, but I’m sure one team will want to win it more than the other’ etc…

    It drives me mad.

  48. indy Says:

    np: correct me if i’m wrong but does not “animal crossing” involve taking tiger mountain by strategy?

  49. Nick of the T Says:

    I’m off outside OUTSIDE I TELLS YA
    to the city that is Southampton.
    Hope you get a birthday sausage (they must be sold!)
    Just finished my top ten tricks here http://nicktann.blogspot.com/2009/02/view-from-other-side.html
    I’m sure this will appear long after I’m dead…..

  50. godshatmyipod Says:

    As everyone knows, Perry is 100% pure blooded Irish. Which explains just about everything you need to know.

    As for me, death would be a blessing.

    Last night at 11.45pm, I became a Great-Uncle! Which meant I spent this morning shuffling around looking for my false teeth and cane, despite having neither.

    Luckily we Scotch all die young of liver-related clap, so there can’t be long to go now.

  51. Excelsior! Says:

    X-Factor:Sing for Survival

    Try to escape the zombified X-Factor studio by singing at the living dead til their heads explode.

  52. Napoleon Says:

    Mr. H – I’m not in the slightest bit Irish, thanks very much. I’ve never once:

    Tarmacced a driveway badly.
    Intimidated the 80 year old owner of said driveway out of their money.
    Built a patio badly.
    Intimidated the 90 year old owner of said driveway out of their money.
    Appeared on BBC1’s ‘Rogue Traders’.
    Blown up Manchester city centre.

  53. breeks Says:

    slasher dancing on ice – armed with glinting ice-blades you zoom around the ice slashing and slaying z list ‘celebrities’, garnering more points for the amount of pieces you can reduce each one to and for impregnating holly willoughby.

  54. indy Says:

    slasher dancing on ice – tonya harding is the boss on the last level…

  55. Mel Says:

    Morning. Happy Birthday Nappers.

    I am a bit disappointed, because i get back from the Dentist, read the Friday Question, think ‘hmm tekken big brother’, then read the comments and find out Bree beat me to it.

    It will serve me right for having rotten teeth though.

  56. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – Thank you. You think you’ve got bad teeth? Pah! You don’t know what bad teeth are.

  57. indy Says:

    bad teeth? hah! i’ve got problems with my gums for brushing my teeth too much and too hard. i’d kill my own mother to have ‘bad teeth’.

  58. Mel Says:

    Well, i wont in 3 weeks nappers. This follows several root canals, the removal of a freaky extra wisdom tooth, and an operation under local anaesthetic to remove some of my jaw.

    And to top it off, due to the aforementioned incompetence of the insurance admin at work, I have to pay for that little lot myself.

    Still, it’ll be done in time for MY birthday, so not all bad

  59. breeks Says:

    morning mel. sorry for stealing your tekken thunder.

    what on earth will your fass look like after that little lot of dental fiddling?

  60. HOOPS McCANN Says:

    ask the family guy…….cartoon families battle it out, this week flinstones v jetsons hosted by thelma from scooby doo

  61. Mel Says:

    Hi Breeks, well, the dental work hasn’t done for the old noggin, rather the series of accidents and the stitches that i keep getting while being under the influence of the anaesthetic. The local anaesthetic has a very strong effect on me.

    I have to get a taxi home and spend the rest of the day on the sofa now, by order of my boyfriend. And i can only have hot chocolate for lunch

  62. ugeine Says:

    Happy birthday Napoleon. I bought you some expensive french cheeses, I know how you love the french.

  63. Mel Says:

    Ugeine, I got him German sausages, combining his love for sausage meat, and the good lady that shares his life.

    Unfortunately you lot have all blue tongued diseases, and so I am not allowed to ship the sausages…

  64. Napoleon Says:

    Indy – That’s nothing. I’ve got holes in my teeth I’ve filled with temporary dental cement, my gums bleed, my breath stinks like dog shit, my tongue’s bright yellow and all my teeth are brown. Beat that with your piffling little gum trouble.

  65. Mel Says:

    Nappers, a lot of them are smoking related.

    Or something to do with your kidneys, if all those sub Gillian McKeith shows are to be believed.

  66. godshatmyipod Says:

    Why the hell has everyone started spelling words incorrectly?

    Is Perrys Irishness contagious?

  67. Mel Says:

    Ooh, now i have one – You Are What You Eat, in which pacman eats loads of little tablets and becomes what he eats – ie when he eats a ghost, he becomes one, and ditto for monsters (McKeiths) and all that…

  68. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – It’s got nothing to do with smoking. It’s to do with being British! We conquered the world with bad teeth, bad breath and gum troubles.

    I must get to the dentist’s …

  69. indy Says:

    np: bah! my “teeth” are actually pieces of spit-out, hardend bubblegum and broken glass, badly applied to rotten slices of salmon…

  70. Mel Says:

    Nappers, if i can give you one birthday present it will be to advise you to get yourself to a dentist as quickly as possible, thus avoiding an expensive and painful set of procedures, like what i have had

    The bugger for me is that I don’t get toothache, so the first i know about rotting teeth is where part of one falls out

  71. ugeine Says:

    It’s my Kenyan flatmate’s birthday is today as well Napoleon. And I’ve never seen you in the same room as her…

  72. indy Says:

    keynan or keynesian?

  73. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – Have you considered the possibility that there may be more people than just me born on February 20th?

  74. ugeine Says:

    What?

  75. ugeine Says:

    Dragons Den Kart on the Wii?

  76. ugeine Says:

    You would say that, Napeoleon. Or should I say nyntari mbya.

  77. indy Says:

    ugeine: are you suggesting that np is a black woman inside a white man’s body or the other way around (just like dolph lundgren in the 80ies)

  78. ugeine Says:

    When did I say she was black?

  79. Mel Says:

    Are we supposed to get the digest today? Or has that fizzled out a bit?

  80. indy Says:

    ugeine: sorry. did not know we were in the public/private green room.

    *runs away before being thrown out!*

  81. Swineshead Says:

    Mel – it’s fortnightly

  82. Excelsior! Says:

    Bdays Napeoleon.

    I have a real life friend who’s birthday it is today. Probably wont see him or wish him well til tomorrow. Such is the modern age.

    It took me six months to get in with a dentist. Now he charges 16fuckingquid every 6 months for 2 mins sticking his dirty great sausage fingers in my mouth. Nice work if you can get it.

  83. Mel Says:

    Aha, i see, thanks SH

  84. vones Says:

    Super Mario Band Of Brothers – photorealistic recreation of the second world war, where you play as a happy go lucky itallian-american plumber who has to to kill off nazi soldiers by repeatedly jumping on their heads.

  85. godshatmyipod Says:

    On to more interesting / worrying things than some bogtrotters birthday.

    Mrs H has just phone to ask me [koff] “to buy some Parmesan, as she wants some to shave tonight”.

    Now, as I’m a man, I grunted in a fairly non-committed kind of way, and read the Suns super story on “Vicious chimp who hospitalised woman used to cuddle in bed with his owner” instead.

    However, has anyone any idea what she’s on about? ANd I should I be wearing a cup when I get home tonight.

  86. Napoleon Says:

    Vones – That’s a cracker.

    Excelsior – Thanks.

    Can people stop saying Happy Birthday at me now, please? I’ve never had to be this polite or grateful in my entire life.

  87. ugeine Says:

    Monkey Tennis?

  88. vones Says:

    Antiques Road Rash – Motorbike racing game where you can attack you fellow racers with tat from an old ladies loft.

  89. Excelsior! Says:

    Youre on form vones

    The Natural World of Warcraft?

    PWN all ta other animalz for ta win lolz

  90. Mel Says:

    Take the High Road Toad – where a frog has to cross a busy road, whilst possibly dodging Mr H in his Rawkmobile. In a programme in Scotland where surprisingly little else happens.

  91. vones Says:

    Streetmate Fighter – Control various members of the public and inflict horrific injuries on Davina McCall.

  92. Mel Says:

    Sonic Heroes, in which sonic the hedgehog has to run around in an unbelievable near future drawn by cartoonists and collect magic rings, while dodging Sylar.

  93. Excelsior! Says:

    Newsnight Superfight

    “Did you threaten to overrule him!”
    “Did you threaten to overrule him!”
    “Did you threaten to overrule him!”
    “Did you threaten to overrule him!”
    “Did you threaten to overrule him!”

    Stop doing the same move you BASTARD!

  94. vones Says:

    Silent Hill Street Blues – Cop simulator where you must patrol the streets, deal with your complicated personal life and avoid at all costs getting raped by someone with a pyramid for a head.

  95. Mel Says:

    Dragons Den Warrior – Peter Jones and Duncan Ballantyne have to battle to save the fair maiden – Evan Harris – from the dragon (Ms Meaden) in an RPG format

  96. Excelsior! Says:

    Relocation Relocation – Sniper simulation

  97. Excelsior! Says:

    Followed by the sequel – Double Dragons Den Warrior

  98. vones Says:

    Donkey Kong Countryfile: Platform game where John Craven has to do battle with various woodland creatures, and a mokey that throws shit.

  99. vones Says:

    @Excelsior! *budum tish*

  100. Napoleon Says:

    Super Smash Robots Melee – Including the powerful ‘I can’t believe they’re still peeling, boiling and mashing their own potatoes’ combo.

  101. Mel Says:

    Blaster Master Chef – where a teenager goes through the dark caverns of Gregg’s and John’s intestines in search for his lost, irradiated frog. On the way he meets the bitter sub bosses of the failed semifinalists before he has to fight the overboss, Gregg and beat him to a lovely pie.

  102. Excelsior! Says:

    Top Gears of War –
    Multiplayer mayhem for up to 3 players, as you run over hordes of aliens in your amateurishly modified vehicles. On some long road in Europe.

  103. Napoleon Says:

    Hi everyone! Just thought I’d let you all know I’m having a great birthday. Here’s a picture of me with my birthday hat on!

    THANKS!

  104. Mel Says:

    Top Metal Gear, in which Jeremy Clarkson must sneak through a number of locations and avoid being seen by the guards, whilst behaving like a boorish pompous git, and driving like a pissed up twat. Allegedly

  105. Napoleon Says:

    That would have fooled ’em all if your picture hadn’t appeared next to my name, Wagonwheel.

  106. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    If I’d been arsed to put in a fake email address, you mean?

    I wasn’t arsed.

  107. Mel Says:

    Hole in the wall, where Dale Winton makes people play tetris, using themselves as the bri….

    Hang on…

  108. Excelsior! Says:

    Does Swineshead have copyright over ideas posted here?

    If so he’s quids in i reckon.

  109. Napoleon Says:

    No, the picture. See where I said about the picture? See?

    Not ‘e-mail’?

    Picture?

    Up there?

  110. Mel Says:

    Excelsior, i don’t think he can, otherwise we would be seeing some fantastic TV shows when we all got to be guest editors for the day.

  111. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    No glory hole gags (SO TO SPEAK LOLZ!) Mel?

    Time Team Crisis – Tony Robinson has lost his trowel.

  112. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Nappers, it’s your email what makes the picture come up these days. I’m not even logged into wordperss. Now just calm down. You can have a walk after your tea.

  113. Mel Says:

    I know where Tony Robinson’s trowel is. I shoved it up ‘im after he pulled the “do you know who I am” trick

  114. Napoleon Says:

    Well fuck me. My desk’s covered in so much junk, I’ve just discovered two Grand Marnier orange truffles under a pile of rubbish as I was fishing around trying to find the head off of one of my wooden birds. They’ve been there since Christmas.

    And speaking of Christmas: I’ve still got the tree up.

  115. Excelsior! Says:

    Production takes time Mel and i notice he’s not been about much lately.

    Suspicous i’d say.

    @ JqW if you want to piss of an archaeologist, go up to them and say how much you like Time Team. They don’t like that very much.

    Or you can just laugh at (not with) their “I Dig Archaeology” T-shirt

  116. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Christmas has come twice.

    Rainbow Six – the tired last outing of the Zippy and Bungle tactical shooter.

  117. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Halfterlife – a tired-looking woman from Bristol becomes a medium for the spirits of strange crabs nicked off of Alien. You play Gordon Freeman, a young Bristol psychology lecturer. Armed with a polo-neck jumper, you must battle your way to the waterfront and look morose.

  118. Mel Says:

    Grand theft auto designs, in which Kevin McLeod bemoans the craziness of a project to steal a few cars, and tells everyone how much over budget it is before agreeing at the end (most of the time) that they have achieved something beautiful.

  119. Napoleon Says:

    Ever Decreasing Circle-Strafing – How long can you last going round and round and round until you’re shot in the head by Richard Briars and Penelope Wilton?

  120. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Dragon’s Den Tycoon – Be a star! Get rich as you commission programmes about rich people commissioning things. For a commission.

  121. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Tetris In The Attic – A simulation of Dave’s life.

  122. Excelsior! Says:

    The World at War

    Its a game – get this – set in WWII!

  123. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Prank Call Of Duty – In the depths of the Ardennes, duck bullets and treeburts as the Germans advance on the bulge, while getting fired for telling Manuel out of Fawlty Towers you shagged his grandaughter.

  124. Napoleon Says:

    A game based on Dave’s life? You’d have to spend quite a lot of time stuck in a room in your mother’s house, wanking over Buffy The Vampire Slayer posters. In the dark.

  125. Mel Says:

    Bejewelled in the crown – matching three similar gems in India during the Raj

  126. Mel Says:

    NC – please can you remind me about your theory on wanking in the dark? Why is it that men with girlfriends must do their wanking in the light again?

  127. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – It’s a seediness thing. Us partnered-up types can masturbate in the full light of a bright new day (in the bathroom, when she’s gone to the shops). Meanwhile, your Dave does his wanking under cover of darkness because he’s a despicable creature no better than those dregs wot hide in bushes spying on girls getting changed at night. It’s a hiding your shame in the dark thing.

  128. Mel Says:

    Oh, always in the bathroom Nappers. My other half also does this. He says it is convenient, because you have all the necessary stuff to clean up with after.

  129. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Halo Halo – Baudy comedy about a bar in Vichy Space. Armed with a Knockwurst and a busty blonde, the Master Chief sets out to hide his collection of dirty pictures from the Gestapo.

  130. Napoleon Says:

    I’m off to buy m’self a birthday present seeing as no other bugger bothered.

  131. Excelsior! Says:

    Danny Dyer’s Doom 3

    Dyer’s pathetic hardman schtick dosn’t cut it when he winds up on a space station overrun by the milky ways hardest demons and aliens.

    Singleton wanking – in the dark, whilst you weep. Thems the rules.

  132. Mel Says:

    You forgot the pot noodle Excelsior, i thought that was compulsory for sad singletons

  133. Excelsior! Says:

    Indeed i did forget.

    Teary Wank i believe is the correct term.

  134. vones Says:

    I believe Pot Noodle have ‘Teary Wank’ as one of their flavours.

  135. godshatmyipod Says:

    Begorrah Padraig O’Perry! How dare you.

    After I went to all the bother of parcelling up that utter contempt.

    It’ll be an unpeeled spud for you next year, you ungrateful sod.

    Actually, now that I think about it, that would make you the most successful member of the O’Perry family, so I may have to recalibrate.

  136. Dave Says:

    Ninja Gaideners’ World – Alan Titchmarsh and Marty Don go head to head in the ultimate showdown of Ninja combat.

  137. piqued Says:

    Has someone farted?

  138. vones Says:

    I think everyone has gone down the pub. Pun – shy slackers!

  139. daveselectricblanket Says:

    How Clean Is Your Mickey Mouse’s Castle Of Illusion (on SEGA Master System) – and you thought the mop and bucket scene in Fantasia was fucked up – bash A and B repeatedly to avoid the witch-faced Kim and Aggie as they force you to humiliatingly clean-up ‘magical mouse shit’ (shit) with lemon wedges and cheap malt vinegar. The game ends with Aggie perversely trying to mother and sexually molest you over a conversation about mineral lick hygiene.

  140. ugeine Says:

    SH: I wish those commentary sets would be used for my entire life. Walking down to the shop, everything. I was playing the other day and I’d just bought on three substitutions and John Champion pipes up ‘This manager’s lost his marbles, they’re losing and he still won’t make any subs!’

    I thought this was a great Friday question but I’ve put of replying till nobody’s about. Balls. Regardless:

    Lawro’s commentary hero: YOU control a commentator as he commentates on a football match. Using your controller, you have to press the corresponding button at the right time to make your commentator spout clichés, mispronounce foreign player’s names, subtly suggest that England are been hard done by and refer to Peter Crouch as having ‘A Good first touch for a big man.’

    Half Life WWE: YOU Control Gordon Freeman, a scientist working at Black Mesa who accidentally opens a portal to another dimension letting out a bunch of hideous, steroid abusing freaks. You try to escape Black Mesa as you get attacked by reams and reams of bad guys representing what ever country America are involved in a beef with this week, long haired generic alternative ‘bad asses’ with long chins and gurning rednecks. A final level sees you battle Hulk Hogan, and just after you’ve shot him in the face he’s bought back to life by the power of a cheering crowd and does that leg drop thing that didn’t seem to hurt his opponent the 99 times he did it before but suddenly renders them unconscious.

  141. daveselectricblanket Says:

    Has anyone commented on Perry’s amazing illustration, by the way? His blog may increasingly read like Al Murray’s guest column in The Sun but, my word, he can’t half illustrate.

  142. Swineshead Says:

    I agree, Dave. I think he should do one every day.

    For free.

  143. Tom Laird Says:

    Grant Theft Digance.

    You play the part of Richard Digance. The self styled “King of Nostalgic Comedy”.(makes you yearn for Arthur Askey) The object of the game is to travel the land giging at folk festivals. Sounds easy? But wait! There’s a catch. You have to do 10 years of support slots while not making a single person laugh or be remotely entertaining. If you succeed you will be rewarded by a regular appearance in Dictionary Corner on Countdown, droning on about your dog and stuff. But beware! If even Des O’Connor, who will snap his farting strings at swinging gate raises as much as a smile…It’s back you go to the start…but this time to a permanent gig on the Isle of Wight ferry.

    Three difficulty levels
    1. Hapless
    2. Hopeless
    3. Prosaic

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