Just a Thought – Jade on LivingTV

by

jade-goody-jack-tweed1

My interest in reality television runs its course when a series ends. The resulting deals – guest spots on the Tuesday Night Project, tabloid coverage, Heat covers, OK covers, Hello covers,  Now covers, Next covers – they’re all for morons, right?

Right.

So what the hell is going on with the coverage of Jade at the moment? The bizarre, sentimental freakiness of the last few days is enough to turn the stomach – both at the soft-focus, Max Clifford exploitation festival it’s becoming and also at the outright hypocrisy that’s dribbling out of the television and from the mouths of idiot journalists.

It’s not just the tabloid press. The higher-minded (but just as manipulative) broadsheets and nightly talking heads are also enjoying a spurt of repulsive self-analysis, disguised as altruism and goodwill. I’ve seen features on Newsnight and in The Observer and The Times – and no doubt I’ve missed many others.

Jade Goody occupies a very weird position in public knowledge. She’s the epitomy of the untalented celebrity, celebrated for nothing. Her normality is what made her famous and with fame as her ultimate aim, once she reached that peak there was nothing left for her to do but milk it. She was born without a silver spoon and with no talent to speak of, so all she could do was sell herself. And bizarrely, people handed over their cash.

The worst thing about this current state of affairs is the presence of circling vultures, literally waiting for the death of their prey before they can cash in their chips. So – I’ll share a few of my questions before my head implodes at this phenomenon.

  • Who is actually watching LivingTV’s ‘Jade’ – her new reality show in which the casual, morbid voyeur can watch a familiar face degenerating and dying?
  • Isn’t this a shameful enterprise, devoid of actual, meaningful content and consisting of nothing other than celebrity death?
  • It’s tasteful enough when it’s onscreen, but isn’t the screen soiled with sensationalism and grotesquery when the show’s switched off?
  • Who is that buys ‘Hello’ magazine so they can gawk at shots of Jack and Jade sharing their last, personal moment in front of millions?
  • How much does Max Clifford make in all this?

Jade and her family are being exploited to the tune of a few a thousand quid, earning it in a grim race against time so they can chuck soiled notes in a gaping grave. It’s as simple as that.

‘Ah’ – they counter… ‘but who is exploiting who?!’

As they say this they make that ‘aren’t I clever?’ face and raise an eyebrow as though they’ve made the most brilliant and insightful second hand comment in history. And, to be fair, it’s a difficult question to answer – the money she’ll receive will be monumental… but where’s the soul? The dignity? The meaning?

Can somebody let me know?

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190 Responses to “Just a Thought – Jade on LivingTV”

  1. fourstar Says:

    Surely, it was always going to be the next level for ‘celeb’ culture?

    We’re had celebrity births, marriages, divorces – and now death. Short of an ex-Hollyoaker lobbing himself off the Clifton Suspension Bridge in front of an Outside Broadcast film unit, this is the next best thing (I use the word ‘best’ but you know what I mean). I am actively trying to avoid any coverage of the hideous fake sympathy fest, but it’s proving somewhat difficult. Oh look, here I am commenting on it 😦

    Another thought – do you think once the photos are released, we will find that the guests at the wedding all wore ‘bald wigs’? I do hope so.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    I know what you mean- posting this means we’ll show up in a search engine pursuit on the topic – but what can you do?

  3. JonR Says:

    maybe it’s just because i’m a sleep-deprived parent, but i’ve found my bottom lip trembling on more than one occasion when reading about jade goody’s imminent departure and what she’s doing about the whole dreadful business.

    the whole thing is just so weird, though….unreal. like a novel.

  4. fourstar Says:

    Maybe if she’d kept a closer eye on her cheque book in 2006, she’d have an extra £500,000 in her bank account and we wouldn’t have to endure this telethon-esque outpouring of pretend grief.

  5. Napoleon Says:

    It’s all bacon ‘n’ beans is this. All bacon ‘n’ beans …

  6. Swineshead Says:

    Forgive me Nappers, I’m not familiar with the phrase… what’s all bacon ‘n’ beans?

    Or are you looking at your breakfast and bemoaning a lack of ingredients?

  7. Swineshead Says:

    JonR – isn’t it a massive injustice that Jade has the ability to reap thousands of quid from her legacy in exploiting herself when thousands of other cancer victims don’t have that opportunity?

    And what about Clifford as the Grim Reaper, overseeing the monetization of proceedings – leaves a sour taste, don’t it?

  8. Napoleon Says:

    I made it up, Swineshead. Your article poses several questions that will make me look like an idiot if I get the answers wrong. So instead I thought I’d come up with a saying that makes me look enigmatic.

    It’s all bacon ‘n’ beans ….

  9. Rodti Says:

    Jade Goody on ‘Living’ TV. Oh, THE IRONY.

  10. Rodti Says:

    Mr Napoleon sir, are you suggesting that she looks like a large rasher of bacon with beans for eyes?

  11. fourstar Says:

    Or that she looks like a bean?

  12. Napoleon Says:

    Rodti, Fourstar – I wasn’t suggesting anything. I was making an enigmatic statement. Don’t look too deeply into it. Just read it, nod your head sagely, and go, “Hmmmm …”, perhaps furrowing your brow.

  13. Rodti Says:

    We both know what it means. Stop avoiding the issue.

  14. Rodimus Says:

    There was a letter in Viz once: ‘If Max Clifford is such a great publicist, how come everybody thinks he’s a twat?’

  15. Badger Madge Says:

    She says the money’s going to her kids. She wants to send them to private school so they can have the education she was never fortunate enough to have.

    Fair play.

  16. Napoleon Says:

    Rodti – Right then! Have it your bloody way – yes, I think Jade looks like a rasher of bacon with beans for eyes. That’s my contribution to this debate. In fact, fuck it …

    Her legs are sausages, her arms are toast, her feet are grilled tomatoes and her torso is made off of fried eggs and a cup of tea.

    Satisfied?

  17. Badger Madge Says:

    Hungry…

  18. Napoleon Says:

    I could murder a fry up now. I wish I’d never mentioned bacon. Or beans. I don’t even like beans.

  19. Swineshead Says:

    It’s not fair play though, is it Badger?

  20. fourstar Says:

    @Badger Madge: So they can grow up going to Ascot and doing unnatural things with cricket stumps and laughing at the oiks and wearing top hats at teatime and braying at the rugger with their horse-faced chums in oh-so-esoteric wine bars in Fulham?

    I think she’ll be very proud.

  21. fourstar Says:

    *goes for second bacon and bean breakfast*

  22. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – It’s all cabbages and cucumbers …

    *wonders if the vegetarian option’s any more enigmatic*

  23. Badger Madge Says:

    Swines: Not fair play but it’s all she knows (an adult life in the media) and if she can get away with it (which she clearly is) then fair play. If I were in her position (being able to secure a future for my family after I’m gone) then I’d not hesitate.

    Fourstar: Not all peeps what went to private school are cricket-playing oiks. Some of us play netball… 😉

  24. Swineshead Says:

    Really? You’d soil your dignity with a Clifford-sponsored freakshow?

    Saddening.

  25. fourstar Says:

    @Badger Madge: Oh, don’t get me wrong, I went to a minor public school. Mostly to avoid the like of Goody and her ilk.

  26. Rodti Says:

    Thank you Napoleon, I have achieved a state of physical satisfaction. You may now pass me the hygienic wipes.

  27. Napoleon Says:

    Dirty sod. Here’s Swineshead trying to kick-start a row, and you’ve sullied it by over-analysing my bacon ‘n’ beans comment. I hope you’re ashamed of y’self.

  28. Badger Madge Says:

    Swines: If I’d come from nothing, knew nothing, worried that my infant children would be left with nothing…

    Than of course! I’d be protecting my kids, giving them opportunity and no money worries.

  29. Nick T Says:

    A lady is ill with the cancer, it’s sad.

    The rest is all bread and coconuts as far as I’m concerned.

  30. Napoleon Says:

    Badger – You could do what Paxman was on about on his ace Victorians show on Sunday? Flog the kids to a Baby Farmer and use the money to buy gin.

  31. Napoleon Says:

    All bread and coconuts, eh?

    *nods head sagely*

    Very wise, Nick, very wise …

  32. Napoleon Says:

    Scrap that Baby Farmer idea. I’ve just remembered the woman has to pay to dispose of the baby, and not the other way round. Your best bet is to throw your kids in the canal in a sack weighed down with bricks.

  33. Badger Madge Says:

    No. Never flog the kids. They have no choice. You do. Flog yourself if you can/want/have to.

  34. fourstar Says:

    I’d happily throw Jeff ‘Mr Potato Head’ Brazier in the canal in a sack etc and so on. The gimp.

  35. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t know who this Jeff ‘Mr. Potato Head’ Brazier is, but I’ll happily support Fourstar’s wish to see him drowned in a canal.

  36. Swineshead Says:

    Speaking of baby farmers – did anyone watch Paxman’s Victorian Freakshow? It were ‘reet’ good (not bad)

  37. Nick T Says:

    Methinks the sexy brainbox from University Challenge will sucumb to celebdom…

  38. Napoleon Says:

    It’s been cracking so far. Proper telly. Though I keep expecting it to be presented by Dimbleby as its very similar to the art and buildings shows he did.

  39. Badger Madge Says:

    I am a tad concerned over that hoodlum husband of jade’s tho. was he just marrying her for her money??

    sexy uni challenge brainbox, not so sexy. just a classics student with flippy hair.

  40. piqued Says:

    I will say this, she looks much better bald

  41. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – That egg-headed brainbox needs to get out more, I reckon. Find herself a boyfriend. The boffin.

  42. Nick T Says:

    Josie Lawrence is joining Eastenders!!!!!!!

  43. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Does she arses. She looks like bacon with beans for eyes.

  44. Swineshead Says:

    It’s a bit slow, that Victorian thing. Doesn’t half drag. Ackroyd’s London was more my bag.

  45. Nick T Says:

    Madge, so what and JUST?

  46. Napoleon Says:

    “Josie Lawrence is joining Eastenders!!!!!!!”

    Old news, Nick.

  47. Swineshead Says:

    As an old flame of Phil Mitchell’s.

    Ergh.

  48. Swineshead Says:

    I’m glad we’ve concluded that Jade looks like a rasher of bacon with baked beans for eyes, by the way.

  49. Napoleon Says:

    I couldn’t get into that London thing. I couldn’t get on with Ackroyd’s voice, and am not that bothered about London. The Victorians are much more interesting to me.

  50. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Ackroyd on The Thames was really good.
    The brainbox Uni challenge girl is sexy and very clever. Heard her on the radio this morning, and she seemed really nice too.

  51. Nick T Says:

    Not old for me.
    She (JL) looks a little like the UC branbox in that bookish hairflippy kind of way….

  52. Napoleon Says:

    I feel I was forced into admitting Jade looks like a rasher of bacon with beans for eyes.

  53. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t find her sexy, personally. She looks like a young Rose West with long hair. Basically, DINLT is admitting to finding an unpleasant serial killer sexy. I think that’s objectionable.

  54. indy Says:

    bacon and beans. apples and pears?

  55. fourstar Says:

    You know, in a funny kind of way, Rose West had it going on.

  56. Swineshead Says:

    That footage of R West on an exercise bike…phwoar.

  57. Napoleon Says:

    You people disgust me.

  58. Napoleon Says:

    My Googlemail’s not working. This ANGERS me.

  59. piqued Says:

    Re. Goody, bottom line is that she’s going to die of cancer and leave 2 kids without a mother, all the rest of it is mere tish and fipsy.

    But looking quickly at the other bits and ignoring Clifford there are positives in all this, for example, as a direct result of her illness screenings for cervical cancer have gone up by 120%.

    I also feel spotlighting any terminal illness has beneficial consequences for society as a whole, its sobering, ‘connecting,’ death overrides all our grievances and unites us as human beings. We’re too ready to shove the sick and dying out of sight, our mortality makes uncomfortable viewing, so we resolve this part of ourselves with endless murder dramas, soap operas and to some extent reality shows. Well, the latter has broken free of its comfortable, safe, formula, whilst we can go and make a cup of tea during Midsummer Murders or whatever asinine tea time horror you care to mention (and there are a few) Jade Goody is really, truly dying as we watch.

    She was born by the media so it’s fitting she’ll die in its gaze. And she looks better bald.

  60. indy Says:

    piqued: word!

  61. Napoleon Says:

    You forgot to mention her head looks like a rasher of bacon and her eyes look like beans, Piqued.

  62. piqued Says:

    Indy: DAF!

  63. Swineshead Says:

    How do you know those screenings are a direct result of her condition?

    How is it fitting that she dies in the public eye?

    You’re talking rot.

  64. Nick T Says:

    My googlemail is playing up too.

    Well put Piqued.

  65. indy Says:

    piqued: yes sir. daf it is. you’ve heard the rumours about me and my missus coming over for a weekend fun and adventure in swinging london/happening-place hackney?

  66. Badger Madge Says:

    Piqued: Here here… x

  67. piqued Says:

    I sure have, Indy. Looking forward to it.

    SH, No need to call it it ‘rot’ if you don’t agree with my opinion.

  68. Napoleon Says:

    Is she not an evil racist anymore, then? Now she’s all dying, like?

  69. Swineshead Says:

    Rot, rot, rot.

    How’d you like that?

  70. piqued Says:

    I h8 it

  71. Excelsior! Says:

    I have always been repulsed by this woman (Goody not Corpus Christi – Trimble). She personifies the modern desire to be famous for its own sake. Even Katona was in a girl group once.

    Therefore i decided i would be a massive hypocrite if i turned round now and proclaim her a good egg cos of what shes doing now, just because shes dying. I still think shes awful.

    That said… Piqued you do raise a good points about our aversion to death needing to be challenged and that fact that there have been positive knock ons like the increase in screenings.

    Whats the program like? Is it camaras following her last days or sumfink?

  72. indy Says:

    i have no problem with following a celebrity from rise to fall. but why her? i got at least ten more suitable candidates!

  73. Napoleon Says:

    Can’t she turn lesbian in her final days? And a mud-wrestler? I for one would watch every episode of ‘Jade’s Racist Celebrity Lesbian Mud-Wrestling Dash 2 Death’ on Sky 1.

  74. Napoleon Says:

    Further elaborating on this Celebrity Racist Lesbian idea, can they strip Girls Aloud down to their birthday suits and have ’em do a 1980s-style Razzle pile-up?

  75. fourstar Says:

    We’re back to the anti-Comic Relief thing, aren’t we. I bet I could find a million people who would have given a pound for her last days NOT to be televised. A million quid, just like that. Wouldn’t that have sufficed? I’m not averse to examining our own mortality but not via the medium of this hideous peepshow.

    It’s a great thing that cervical cancer screenings are up but if it takes a talentless ninny succumbing to it for people to realise that it’s a real threat then god help us all. What next – Kerry Katona demanding we pay more attention to greenhouse gases? Keeley Hazell on the global mortgage derivatives crisis? Five Things You Didn’t Know About Gaza by Andy Scott-Lee?

    Pfft. I’m off for a pint.

  76. indy Says:

    …fighting a hitler/stalin genocidobot 2000?

  77. fourstar Says:

    @Napoleon: I second the Razzle idea. What order would you suggest, top to bottom?

  78. indy Says:

    top to bottom:
    kimberley walsh
    sarah harding
    nadine coyle
    nicola roberts
    cheryl cole

  79. Napoleon Says:

    Indy’s list’s OK, though I’d personally stick Cheryl at the top of the pile because this show is racist, after all.

  80. piqued Says:

    ‘It’s a great thing that cervical cancer screenings are up but if it takes a talentless ninny succumbing to it for people to realise that it’s a real threat then god help us all.’

    I don’t think she or ‘the media’ (or even Clifford for that matter) deliberately got her the cancer in order to highlight the issue.

    As this isn’t a commissioned TV show, I don’t think there was any suggestion they were going to film her actual death was there?

  81. Mel Says:

    *throws in 2p*

    What Piqued said.

    It is a terribly sad thing that her two kids will grow up without a mother. I cannot blame her for trying to establish a future for them, many other mothers in her situation spend their last months trying to make sure their kids will be provided for emotionally and financially. This is the best (only?) means that Jade has. I am sorry for the family, and think, whilst I cannot grieve for a girl I do not know, and was not so keen on what I do know about her/ have been led to believe; that everyone should remember that this family is about to lose a daughter, mother, and wife. Their time with her should be respected.

    A very positive outcome is that screening has gone up dramatically. Hopefully it will also persuade other mothers, who may have been having doubts, that getting their children vaccinated against this killer. I really hope that proves to be the case. I may joke on here about my piss boiling a lot, but I think the phrase is absolutely justifiable when I hear about mothers that can get their daughters vaccinated against HPV (which causes cervical cancer), but don’t because the injection is administered at about 12, and they are worried it will encourage their kids to have sex. I can only hope with the profile of this case, that these kind of people will understand that this is a deadly disease, and that they should absolutely allow their kids access to something that can prevent it.

    For the reason that I cite above, I am a little (but not much) conflicted about the likes of Max Clifford, and the Heat/OK/Hello/Living audience. This is because this need to be voyeur on Jade’s last time on this Earth *is* helping her to provide for her kids, and without this kind of sleb culture, she would almost certainly still be in this situation, but what else would she have? On the other hand, I am under no illusion that Mr Clifford is by no means dong this out of the goodness of his heart, and will be milking his 15-20% for all it is worth, while he still can. This is absolutely morally reprehensible, but I am also certain that he cares not a jot for the opinion of “Mel off of the internets” and will not be losing any sleep. He, I am sure, would argue that he is only providing a service to the lust-hungry masses that slaver over this kind of stuff. So, if we are to reduce it to sheer supply and demand, is it the fault of the masses? I know that I did not grow up in a time when every salacious detail of other people’s lives was pored over in all the media, but I am also struggling to remember what it replaced. Surely, we must have had something, and if so, what happened that we grew tired of it?

    Another thing that we should examine, but for which I have no answers, is the pendulum nature of the papers, and hence public opinion. Jade was castigated for her behaviour in celebrity BB (and I have mentioned before my views on racism, so I am by no means defending this), and then was publicly and continually vilified. I think the 180 degree about face in the papers, such that she is now the Nation’s sweetheart, is at best hypocritical, and at worst is patronising (to both Jade and the general public), ghoulish and helping to fuel the fire.

    Sorry, another long one, but this raises so many issues, that I think should be broadly discussed.

  82. Mel Says:

    SH – re how we know screenings have gone up – figures for the numbers of screenings are continually recorded, and so the correlation is clear to see, it directly responds to the news stories about Jade getting cancer. The NHS has many faults, but evidence gathering and the expertise to read the data is not one of them. I’ll have a dig and see if i can find the stats.

  83. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – That’s all well and good, but who would be at the top of YOUR Girls Aloud naked racist 1980s Razzle pile-up pile?

  84. extremelisteningmode Says:

    It’s the stunning level of hypocrisy which offends me.

    Feb 2007 – Evil racist Jade Goody is representative of all that’s wrong with Britain, a gobby, ignorant cow who should be taken to the Isle of man and birched.

    Feb 2009 – Cancer-stricken nation’s favourite Jade Goody represents the working-class girl made good, we all must mourn her Diana-style and fixate morbidly round her.

    The truth? A brutally annoying girl from a terrible background did very well for herself by, well, i dunno, but she did and fair play to her. Obviously badly educated, she threw her lot in with the vapid celeb culture we’ve allowed to take over the country and who can blame her? I feel incredibly sorry for any mother who goes while her children are still in infancy, but Jade’s cancer doesn’t make her a better person or make her life any more important.

    As SH said, what sort of human buys a magazine to gawk at a terminally ill person and their loved ones? What kind of sick fuck does that?

  85. Mel Says:

    ELM, I share your view, but clearly, there are millions of sick fucks EXACTLY like that up and down the country. It is even getting coverage on the BBC World Service FFS. As if most of the world will know who the hell she is anyway, but they are clearly thinking it is “news”

  86. Napoleon Says:

    While we’re on the cheerful subject of death, how’s about some sexy death? Oh yeah …

    http://www.actressarchives.com/feature/Sexiest-Death-Scenes/?cmpid=bnr_aa_deathscenes_012809

  87. fourstar Says:

    @piqued: “I don’t think she or ‘the media’ (or even Clifford for that matter) deliberately got her the cancer in order to highlight the issue.”

    That’s not what I said – health professionals have been pleading for years too people to get themselves screened and they ignore them. Now Jade unfortunately succumbs and they’re queuing up like Happy Hour at Yates’s. There is a remarkable number of people who don’t believe that something exists until Heat, Take A Break or Closer tells them so. It’s just a bit sad.

  88. Napoleon Says:

    So so far we’ve got a terminally-ill Jade Goody mud-wrestling naked racist lesbians, a lesbian 1980s Girls Aloud pile-up … what next? Is Kerry Katona preggers at the minute? If she is, she could squirt milk at some lesbians on exercise bikes from her ample bazoombas.

  89. piqued Says:

    I agree Fourstar

    I was just citing the ‘Kerry Katona demanding we pay more attention to greenhouse gases? Keeley Hazell on the global mortgage derivatives crisis? Five Things You Didn’t Know About Gaza by Andy Scott-Lee?’ bit (whilst flippant) as these people would have to make decision to highlight said issues. Goody didn’t decide to become an ambassador for cervical cancer…Anyway, did Goody actively ‘highlight’ cervical cancer? Or did she just get it and people read about it and got themselves tested? Dunno, don’t care actually. It’s not the point; fact is that screenings have gone up. Good(y)

  90. fourstar Says:

    Can we put Sarah at the bottom to shut her up, underneath Kimberley to give her a good smothering. Cheryl and Nadine are interchangeable but surely Nicola is the whitest so she should go at the top.

    I’m giving this too much thought, aren’t I.

    *back to analysing FTSE software providers’ EV/EBITDA ratios*

  91. Napoleon Says:

    I hadn’t thought of that, Fourstar. I suppose if the show’s going to properly racist, it would make sense to emphasise the supremacy of the white race over those people evil racist Jade calls ‘poppadoms’ by piling a girl who looks like she’s made out of milk on top of the other four. Who would you say is the swarthiest member of Girls Aloud? By rights, she should be at the bottom. Naked.

  92. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Hmm…all I will say is I was a little surprised by the secretary of state for justice intervening on the curfew issue.

    As for Corpus Christi Trimble, she did not know who the current manager of Chelsea is, so she’s not that clever. Nonetheless I like her.

  93. indy Says:

    fourstar: sorry to point it out but the screenshot of the premier league table, was that a side table that was displayed when you were visiting the team site for arsenal? the reason that the topspot is absent is that it only shows the six teams surrounding the team whose site you are visiting.

  94. Napoleon Says:

    DINLT – That’s because you want to have sex with Rose West.

  95. breeks Says:

    hello. i watched an episode of ‘jade’ recently.

    she buys good presents.

  96. Napoleon Says:

    Now an ’80s-style female killer pile-up would be a challenge. I reckon it’d go:

    Beverley Allet
    Rose West
    Mary Bell
    Myra Hindley
    Karen Matthews

    I know Matthews isn’t a killer, but I could hardly leave such a ravishing specimen of feminine beauty out of that particular pile-up, could I?

  97. Mel Says:

    DINLT, that is because this government are led by the tabs – in both the literal and metaphorical sense. They are a bit like the wannabes off the Word. Instead of doing “anything to be on TV” they will do “anything to be popular”, and do not think things through. The reality is that people do get given dispensation for things like this out of compassion every week of every year.

    Jaqui Smith is equally as guilty of the same sick ghoulish behaviour as Max Clifford and the Heat Nation by trying to garner popularity through jumping on this particular bandwagon.

    Blimey, my bile is high today.

  98. godshatmyipod Says:

    I was fast asleep but somewhere deep in the bowels of my being I knew that someone was talking about a Girls Aloud naked racist 1980s Razzle pile-up pile.

    Which was exactly what I was thinking about in my slumber.

    Anyway, here goes.

    Top to bottom;

    Nicola – daughter of former English football hardman, Graham Roberts. I am willing to provide any other service Nicola deems appropriate. Can travel and have own bottle of oil.
    Nadine – daughter of Frank Carson and former winner of the Irish talent show “Here’s Me Potato”.
    Kimberley – was once found guilty of racialist bullying against dead comedian Bernard Manning during a Jade Goody looky likey contest
    Cherly aka Mardy – Miss Jigaboo 1994, Boots Group’s bonniest lifta, Mothercare Happy Faces nicka, Best Looking Police Lineup Girl of Newcastle, The Evening Chronicle ‘Little Miss Fagin’ and Most Attractive Girl at the Young Offenders Institute.
    Sarah nee Samuel – because she has a penis and because her Dad was a folk singer in the seventies best known for his hit “The Rochdale Cowboy”.

  99. indy Says:

    here’s my spice girl pile up:
    sporty
    baby
    scary
    ginger
    posh

  100. fourstar Says:

    @indy: It was. Does it? Coo. It doesn’t say anywhere that it does, mind. Does it?

    Anyway, I had better take that post down before someone points it out…

    …oh.

  101. Napoleon Says:

    Mr. H – I didn’t know Sarah has a penis. That wouldn’t make it a lesbian racist pile-up. Some brazen cock ‘n’ balls combo sticking out at the bottom? Pah! If this is correct, she’ll have to turn the other way round, with Cheryl’s fanny resting on ‘er head.

    Indy – I’d have Baby at the top.

  102. indy Says:

    fourstar: sorry.

    so you’re a gunner too then? what do you think about the upcoming match against roma?

  103. fourstar Says:

    I see we have all gone for 5 members of our respective pile-ups – is this traditional? Or does anyone know what the largest Razzle pile-up ever recorded was?

    There goes the afternoon…

  104. Swineshead Says:

    I’m going to the game tonight, football fans.

  105. fourstar Says:

    @indy: I am indeed, for my sins I was there on Saturday for the most dismal, limp, half-arsed performance I have ever witnessed from the boys in red. Hopefully they will have received the boot up the shorts and be up for tonight. Roma are traditionally crap in England but we need to come out of the blocks early and hit them at pace (not pass it sideways across the halfway line, – I’m looking at you, Song and Denilson). I’d like to see Vela play at least a half as his pace will scare them, and also Wilshere as he is the most confident 17 year old I have ever seen and he could just do something special.

    Unfortunately I think we’ll get Eboué *sigh*

  106. Napoleon Says:

    Now there’s a challenge, Fourstar. It would have to be limited to how much pressure you can put on the bottom woman. There’s only so much weight she’d be able to stand before she was squashed. I’d say five’s a comfortable number, six is pushing it, and seven’s probably going to lead to cracked ribs and a visit to casualty.

  107. Excelsior! Says:

    “what sort of human buys a magazine to gawk at a terminally ill person and their loved ones? What kind of sick fuck does that?”

    I dont think you have to be a sick fuck to be interested in the final days of someones life. Death is a part of life that we ALL have to go through. The modern western world has this terror of death, like its some shameful act that must be hidden away so we can go on pretending that we are gonna live forever, young and beautiful.

    Again im sure Jade isnt intentionally raising issues and maybe there are some who are a bit “cor! look at the hollow faced dying bitch!” But those people would be twats regardless of circumstance.

    Actually, i realise not having followed any of the coverage, i dont know if there is an element of that from the tabloids, but that dosnt make a public death automatically ghoulish.

  108. indy Says:

    satire:
    h harman
    t jowell
    h blears
    j smith
    r kelly

  109. fourstar Says:

    I wonder if Razzle patented some kind of pile-up stacking device, like those racks you see at rowing clubs for transporting the boats around. Then you’d get a lot more than five on. But you might not get into Henley Regatta.

  110. godshatmyipod Says:

    Why the hell are people talking about football when there are four nekkid Girls Aloud in a Razzle type pile up with a hermaphrodite.*

    Prioritise, damn you!

    *Fraid so, Peregrine

    Sarah was born Samuel Harding, to parents Mike and Sarah in 1971, making Hermaphrodite old enough to be Nicola’s Mum. Dad Mike was a folk singer in the seventies best known for his hit “The Rochdale Cowboy”.

    After an unpleasant time at school, where his gender confusion was not welcome, Samuel started dressing as a girl, working in promotions at such legendary venues as The Grand Central Leisure Park in Stockport and did a regular drag turn at the Whistling Jig and Puss and Boots pubs.

    After saving enough money for a cut rate operation in Brazil, the newly born Hermaphrodite returned to the UK and entered FHM’s High Street Honeys in 2002, appearing in the first Top 100. However, her rise to fame in the pop world had already commenced on Pop Stars: The Divvies, and she withdrew her entry.

    When her background was discovered Harding was offered a place in the boyband One True Voice, but the producers succumbed to popular pressure and kicked off the public’s favourite (unless your name is Jamelia), Javine Hylton. Shemale Sarah was then offered a place in GA.

  111. Napoleon Says:

    I reckon my ideal ‘Famous Women From History 1980s Razzle Pile-Up Pile’ would be (top to bottom):

    Maggie Thatcher
    Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother
    Margeret Beckett
    Maureen from Driving School
    A sheet of lead
    Marie Curie, inventor of cancer

    You’d have to have the sheet of lead so the others don’t catch cancer off of Marie Curie.

  112. fourstar Says:

    @Excelsior! Nothing wrong with a dignified public death. But this is anything but.

  113. Napoleon Says:

    Fourstar – I have no idea if they used some sort of contraption when constructing their pile-ups. It would make sense, if you think about it. You could pile ’em sky high if some behind-the-scenes device was keeping all them tits, asses and unmentionables from applying too much pressure on the unfortunates at the bottom. If they aren’t doing this (in the ’80s), you should write to them and suggest it.

  114. Napoleon Says:

    Mr. H – I reckon you’re making this up. Why would they put a man in a band called ‘Girls Aloud’?

  115. Mel Says:

    Well, NC, they have put a female impersonator in Pussycat Dolls

  116. Napoleon Says:

    Have I got this wrong, or was it Swineshead that witnessed that old woman having her head squashed under a truck’s wheels in Sleaford?

  117. indy Says:

    news from sweden: it seems that the swedish right-wing occupational regimé is about to accept the low-life gym instructor daniel westlings engagement proposal to princess victoria.

  118. fourstar Says:

    @Napoleon: Is that non sequitur of the week or was this some bizarre circus sideshow-esque left-field Razzle pile-up?

  119. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – I’d forgotten about that. In light of what you’ve just said, Mel, that bloated oaf Mr. H’s story sounds much more plausible.

    Is it just me, or does the new Take That song sound like a Simon & Garfunkel tune from the ’70s?

  120. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    I do not understand the Arsenal fans prob with Eboue. I think he’s a good player.
    I shall be watching Inter v Man U on TV.

  121. Swineshead Says:

    I saw a pigeon get crushed under a lorry in Sleaford. And an old woman collapse and die in Boston on the bridge by the Stump.

    The two were unrelated, apart from my presence.

  122. Napoleon Says:

    Fourstar – I just remembered it, like. I can’t remember if Swineshead was there when she went under.

  123. Mel Says:

    NC – i thought you didn’t listen to music, so how do you know what either TT or S&G sound like eh?

    SH – your presence is the link. Are you Death?

  124. Swineshead Says:

    DINLT – Could be his over-enthusiasm and inability to score. And his kicking out at other players then pretending he’s done nowt wrong.

    The boos are too much, but he is a bit of an arse.

  125. indy Says:

    i’ve seen one man die in a heart attack and a dead homeless person. i’ve also witnessed the cruel end of a kitten which was guillotined by a door (a horrible accident)

  126. fourstar Says:

    @Do I Not Like That! Is that a deliberately provocative statement?

    He’s a lazy, petty, diving, thoughtless, mindless, selfish oaf, not worthy of the shirt. It shouldn’t have taken large sections of the crowd booing his substitution for him to realise that he needed to address his appalling attitude. So the next game, he ran around purposefully for 20 minutes, got booked for dissent having been warned THREE times by the ref, then kicked out at a player from the ground after he had won a free kick and was promptly sent off, reducing us to 10 men for most of the game.

    He can rot in the reserves for all I care.

  127. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – I have the radio tuned to Radio 2’s Jeremy Vine show at lunchtime, so can’t avoid the Take That tune. I know what Simon & Garfunkel sound like because I don’t see how I could have possibly avoided hearing them in the thirty four years I’ve been on this earth.

    I don’t intentionally listen to music, that’s what you should focus on. I never put on albums, don’t own an MP3 player, and turn off the radio at five thirty so the missus can watch ‘er Neighbours rubbish. The only time I go out of my way to listen to music is in the background off of a jukebox in pubs, or when I’m hoodwinked into going to a concert with the lure of free booze.

  128. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Well, in the year the Arsenal got to the Champions League Final, he looked a very good right back.

  129. indy Says:

    once again i have to point out that my least favourite arsenal player is bendtner. drängeröv.

    i’m neutral to eboue but the transfer window business in january got me a bit crossed with adebayor.

  130. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Mel – The BBC World Service? Jesus wept.

    As I say, it’s a shame that the girl has a terminal disease, but the media are standing in the corner wanking why trying desperately to keep a solemn face on.

  131. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    The gooners have never effectively replaced Campbell and Viera. Until a couple of hard men are put in the team, the pretty boys will lose when they go up noorth on a cold winter’s day. They don’t like it up ’em.

  132. Napoleon Says:

    I can wank solemnly, ELM. I simply remember the fallen of two World Wars as I’m whacking away at my unmentionable.

  133. Mel Says:

    Oh there is no doubt that Goody is not the only one that is making money out of this situation. I find all the rest of them selling papers and copy etc on the back of it ghoulish.

    Yes, the World service covered the wedding on Sunday. FFS. I might as well listen to the Jeremy Vine show (no i might not)

  134. fourstar Says:

    DINLT – correct, we should have done whatever it took to hang onto Flamini as well, he had proper grit in front of the back four.

  135. Napoleon Says:

    Fourstar – Never mind any of this football rubbish! Are you writing to Razzle in the ’80s or not? Eh?

  136. fourstar Says:

    Well this just takes the cake:

    http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2264534.ece

  137. fourstar Says:

    @Napoleon: I have emailed them, but unfortunately email hasn’t been invented yet, then. Anyway, I don’t want to tip them off; I’ve applied for the patent on the ‘Aluminium E-Z-Lift 1980s Razzle Pile Up Stacker’ and I’m still waiting for the reply.

  138. Napoleon Says:

    Fourstar – You’ve got a point there. That pile-up lifting machine may well net you a fortune back in the ’80s. You could become one of them Yuppies they had back then.

    I was wondering if I should write to them about my famous women pile-up idea? I don’t know what their address was in the ’80s, but I do know where The Flying Pickets were filming the video for ‘Only You’ in 1983. If I wrote to The Flying Pickets and asked them to pass on my idea to Razzle in 1987 (when the pile-up was its height), d’you think they’d set up said pile-up? And if they do, can they use Thatcher off of the ’70s?

  139. godshatmyipod Says:

    NP – it’s obvious why there is a penis in Girls Aloud.

    As only gay men buy girly band music, they needed to add that “extra value” into GA to ensure they outlasted the competition.

    As for construction of the pile-up machine, could we not get the bloke who built a Pharaoh out of Lego and then floated it down the Thames to knock something up.

    After all, the last thing we need is someone giving the Flying Pickets an excuse to try and make a comeback.

    http://news.opodo.co.uk/articles/2009-02-19/19035066-Lego-pharaoh.php

  140. fourstar Says:

    Lego? LEGO? I’m not entrusting the alabaster white minge of Nicola from Girls Aloud to a brightly coloured plastic child’s toy. Pfft.

  141. Mel Says:

    oh my fourstar, that has given me an inappropriate lego merkin image in my head.

    *goes for a lie down*

  142. Mel Says:

    I’ve just read the link. It does beg the question as to why they didn’t build it inside theme park, from all lego bricks. Would have been easier, I’ll bet.

  143. Badger Madge Says:

    http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/music/a147673/beatles-author-denies-clifford-claims.html

  144. godshatmyipod Says:

    Mel, Mel, Mel [shakes head and sighs]

    Do you really think that when I build a giant Lego statue of Nicola Girls Aloud that I’m going to keep it in the back green?

    Or will I strap it to an aircraft carrier and sail around the world, firing my guns at the colonials whilst lauding the fact that I have a giant Lego statue of Nicola Girls Aloud and they don’t.

    Don’t be silly.

  145. Mel Says:

    What??

    Surely the point is that they want people to pay to get into legoland and see the damn thing (Pharoah, not whatever the fuck you are blathering about)? Why, then, would they preview it by sailing it down the Thames? And the point about the fact that it is made from lego, and therefore it would have been better to build the damn thing inside legoland, and ship the person what built it into the park, rather than a massive statue, albeit made out of plastic, up a flaming river?

    This smells of badly thought through publicity fluff to me.

  146. godshatmyipod Says:

    Ah, but in Legoland they’re going to have an entire reconstruction of Ancient Egypt, replete with pyramids, Jewish slaves, plagues of Locusts and fried chicken. This was a free taster, like that first pipe of crack.

    Much like my Girls Aloud land, only with less racialism.

  147. Napoleon Says:

    What’s this about Lego? I don’t want Girls Aloud made off of Lego. I want to see the real Girls Aloud in a naked lesbian racist 1980s Razzle pile-up (with one of ’em turned the other way round so you don’t see his cock ‘n’ balls), not some bloody Danish plastic version.

  148. godshatmyipod Says:

    Dear God, but you people are thick.

    The original plan was to build the pile-up structure from Lego, but then fourstar managed to get his hand out of his trousers long enough to get confused.

    However, my plans for an Essex based Girls Aloud Theme Park are now well under way.

  149. Excelsior! Says:

    Does there need to be a stacking mechanism? Couldnt we just skewer them in place?

  150. godshatmyipod Says:

    Excelsior – that was fine when it was merely a five body pile-up. But ambitions have grown throughout the day

  151. fourstar Says:

    Hey, t’wasn’t me – it was Mel. Lego merkins indeed.

  152. Napoleon Says:

    I missed the Girls Aloud theme park idea. Would there be big versions of ’em you could walk under and look up their skirts? And would they be wearing knickers? I hope not, because then you wouldn’t be able to see their giant, Girls Aloud vaginas.

  153. Mel Says:

    I made no mention of lego GAs. I merely saw fit to let you know about the mental image that i was left with after you said this:
    ‘I’m not entrusting the alabaster white minge of Nicola from Girls Aloud to a brightly coloured plastic child’s toy’.

    It does sound like you had just invented the lego merkin, to be fair. I imagine it to be a bit like the hair – kinda moulded, with it’s own lego “socket”

  154. fourstar Says:

    *applies for patent for “Moulded Lego Merkin” poste haste*

  155. godshatmyipod Says:

    I’m actually four fifths (take that Brussels) of the way through construction right now, and I can assure Mr Perry that underwear was not part of the creative process. Unfortunately, there’s a global shortage of red bricks, so Nicola may have to go for the shaven look come launch day.

  156. fourstar Says:

    Would they end up looking a bit like this?

    http://adsoftheworld.com/blog/ivan/2009/feb/07/the_pixelated_girls_of_jeanyves_lemoigne

    * a little bit NSFW, kind of, but not really *

  157. Napoleon Says:

    I’m not convinced the Girls Aloud lot would wear merkins. The fashion nowadays is for ladies to bald as eggs – why go to all that bother, only to disguise what you’ve done with a pubic wig? Unless they’ve got lice, o’course … have the Girls Alouds got lice?

  158. Mel Says:

    Fourstar – a bit like that with moulded plastic merkins.

    Nappers – not all of them are as bald as coots, some of them have the “landing strip” favoured in South America.

  159. godshatmyipod Says:

    GA lice equation.

    Cheryl – definitely – I wouldn’t touch her with yours
    Kimberely – possibly – Perry should be able to advise as she’s a Northerner
    Nadine – doubtful – they would have scooped them up and cooked them during the last potato famine
    Sarah – manlice, deffo
    Nicola – of course not, she’s too fragrant and delicate for that sort of thing

  160. Napoleon Says:

    Yes, but have they got lice?

  161. Napoleon Says:

    Nicola is a bit delicate-looking, isn’t she? That said, I bet she’s got just as many pubic lice scrabbling around down there as the rest of ’em. The lice-riddled, naked, lesbian, piled-up, racist, 1980s, bald-as-coots sex-pots.

  162. godshatmyipod Says:

    I thought we’d established the lice position on my earlier response, but we’re just waiting for an Official Northerner to confirm or deny the existence of Kimberleys lice.

  163. fourstar Says:

    “…lice-riddled, naked, lesbian, piled-up, racist, 1980s, bald-as-coots sex-pots.”

    I seem to remember that was how they were pitched on ‘Popstars: The Rivals’, all those years ago in 2002. No wonder they won.

  164. Napoleon Says:

    It was better than One True Voice’s:

    ‘Arseholes’

  165. Clarry Says:

    Re: Girls Aloud naked racist 1980s Razzle pile-up pile.

    Can someone please explain whether it’s better to be at the top or the bottom of one of these piles?

    Re: Have I got this wrong, or was it Swineshead that witnessed that old woman having her head squashed under a truck’s wheels in Sleaford?

    Yes you are wrong, it was me. As I was coming out of Bristol arcade waiting to cross the high street she got squashed in front of me.

  166. Badger Madge Says:

    Kimberly can’t have live. She’s lovely.

    *girl crush*

  167. fourstar Says:

    “Can someone please explain whether it’s better to be at the top or the bottom of one of these piles?”

    It depends.

    I hope that answers your question.

  168. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – I’d say being at the top’s the best if you’re a heterosexual woman, being somewhere in the middle’s where you want to be if you’re bisexual, and being crushed under all them boobs and fannies is the ideal place for you if you’re a lesbian. If you’re all lesbians, it should go in order of lesbianness.

    It was you, was it? You can’t have been that old when you saw that, surely?

  169. Napoleon Says:

    I reckon they’ve all got lice, Badger.

  170. Clarry Says:

    @fourstar – no it doesn’t. You all seem to be swooning over Nicola and she’s on the top of quite a lot of the fantasy piles. I can see that by being at the top, you get a better look at her, and by being at the bottom, you might not see anything but an arm – but the girl at the top isn’t really involved in the pile. I would’ve thought (if I was a boy *tries to ignore the annoying Beyonce song that has now starting going round in my head*) that it’d be better to be in the middle.

  171. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – I don’t think you fully understand the nature of an ’80s-style Razzle pile-up. The girls lie on top of one another, spread their legs and are photographed from behind. You would, I can assure you, see more than Nicola’s arm.

    Because you’d see her arsehole and fanny, like.*

    *Not vulgar.

  172. Clarry Says:

    NC – NO! I meant is it better for the girl to be on top or the bottom of the pile for you i.e. the voyeur. You keep giving these piles in orders, so they must be in order of preference, but I can’t tell if the most favoured is at the top or bottom. Nobody could find miserable Nicola attractive, could they?

    I was walking home from Alvey school and was probably about 7 or 8 when I saw the squashing. That’s 23 years ago.

  173. fourstar Says:

    To be honest, most pile-ups look very similar from the point of view of the reader. Or so I’m told.

  174. godshatmyipod Says:

    I’m going to have leave early today as the mental imagery has just got a bit much for me. Thankfully, I have a man sized box of tissues and the arm of a Viking warrior to see me through the rest of the night.*

    *that is to say my arm resembles that of a Viking warrior, not that I’ve cut off the arm of a passing Scandinavian with which to beat myself off thinking about naked Nicola in an 80s-style Razzle pile-up. That would be wrong.

  175. Clarry Says:

    “I don’t think you fully understand the nature of an ’80s-style Razzle pile-up. The girls lie on top of one another, spread their legs and are photographed from behind. You would, I can assure you, see more than Nicola’s arm.”

    Oh…

    *blushes furiously*

    *wipes coffee off desk*

  176. Clarry Says:

    “To be honest, most pile-ups look very similar from the point of view of the reader. Or so I’m told.”

    SO in that case it doesn’t matter which order they go down in, so what’s the point in the above exercise?

    Have I missed the point?

    *brain explodes*

  177. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – It doesn’t really make that much difference to the voyeur, to be honest. You get the undercarriages, and all girls bend round to the left or right to smile into the camera. So you get their particulars and their heads. No tits, sadly, though they could do a follow-up shot where they’re sitting side-by-side with their legs open.

    I’d ‘do’ Nicola. I like a miserable woman.

    I thought I remember seeing a small girl at the scene. Nice to finally make your acquaintence.

  178. godshatmyipod Says:

    Hang on [puts box down, wipes smile off face].

    I can assure you that said pile-ups are all very different. There’s the plump and borderline sag of the Kim, the red weals on Cheryls bottom, the jutting bone of Nadines skeletal butt, the ball sac of Sarah and the sweet, rounded perfection of Nicolas ripe, young……

    Oh, bugger [reaches for box, again]

  179. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – The point of the above exercise was to establish their order in terms of them appearing on a mud-wrestling lesbian Jade Goody racist death special. Hence Nicola goes at the top because she’s whiter than the rest.

  180. Badger Madge Says:

    Yes, they all have lice, Nappers, but Kimberly doesn’t have live…

    Gah. Dunno what’s wrong with me today. Maybe it’s the lice.

    Seriously though, why do no men fancy Kimberly??? I know we’ve prolly had this discussion before but she’s reet sexy. They all like too-thin, racist Cole or Man-Sarah. Kimberly is perfect imo.

  181. Napoleon Says:

    Badger – I assure you, I wouldn’t kick Kimberly out of bed or, indeed, out of the aforementioned lesbian pile-up. She’s alright in my book, if a bit Happy Shopper Mariah Carey.

  182. fourstar Says:

    I preferred Kimberley when she was “the fat one” (i.e. 6 stone instead of 4).

  183. Napoleon Says:

    Fourstar – I notice from this week’s That’s Lovely! magazine that Nicola’s recently ‘ballooned’ in weight. According to celebrity gossip guru Princeton Fuckbucket, she ate a Tic-Tac and now weighs as much as a house-sparrow. That fat bitch.

  184. Napoleon Says:

    Kimberly does have lice, despite what you think, Badger.

  185. fourstar Says:

    @Napoleon: Well she’d better go on the bottom of the pile-up now, for the safety of the others. How selfish, ruining our white supremacist lice-riddled 80s Razzle pile-up, just because she ‘got a bit peckish’. Tsk.

  186. fourstar Says:

    Well, this has been fun. Slightly like Kilroy, Soccer AM, Scrapheap Challenge and Playboy TV rolled into one, but fun all the same.

    Cheerio.

  187. Napoleon Says:

    I’m not sure about that, Fourstar. Yes, she’s a selfish fat bitch, but at 12g, she’s still smaller than the other weebles that make up the Girls Alouds. The titanic Kimberly, for example, weighs 1.5 kilos. That surely puts her at the bottom of the racist lesbian celebrity 1980s-style Razzle pile-up pile, the blubbery great flubberty-blubbert?

  188. Hairton Egglebert Says:

    Jade on LivingTV? Surely that’s increasingly a bit of an oxymoron at the moment.

    The one thing I can’t bear more than Jade Goody is the pillockish snobs who can’t bear Jade Goody.

  189. daveselectricblanket Says:

    I read a feature by some irrate chav queen (the one who did Sky docu-wank Chavs years back) and she compared Jade’s public demise to that of Harold Pinter. Winning a nobel prize and using the platform as a political soapbox is exactly the same as selling footage of your death to the highest bidder to raise money you kids won’t starve without.

    Oh, and some other strange columnist accused all the online anti-Jade people of being, well, the type that would rather secretly watch porn on the interweb than go to a petrol station for something off the top-shelf; they are people who hate themselves and, so too, everyone and everything around them. Which confuses me, cos I’ve quite warmed to Jade over the last few weeks. I should stop reading The Sun…

  190. daveselectricblanket Says:

    And read back comments before I post them.

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