One Minute Review: Duffy’s Coke Ad

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Forgive my ignorance, but apart from the opening bars of Rockferry (or whatever it’s called) I hadn’t really heard Duffy’s singing voice. I ran for cover whenever her stuff came on the radio or TV fearing MOR, cod-Motown miserablism.

Last night, the above came on television and I thought I was being hoaxed. Is that genuinely her voice? Is that the caterwaul that garnered three Brit awards?

It sounds like someone’s pulling on her piles! It sounds like someone’s kicking a kitten and farting in a foghorn! It’s the most disturbing cola advert I’ve ever seen! Apart from the New Generation one.

It’s horrific.

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105 Responses to “One Minute Review: Duffy’s Coke Ad”

  1. Napoleon Says:

    21 seconds I managed there. From the little I heard, she sounds like Melanie Griffiths doing an impression of Macey Gray. Hideous.

  2. Mel Says:

    OMG, i haven’t heard her before either, but this is sub-Amy Winehouse Pish.

    More proof, if it were needed, that:
    A) The Brits are shit
    B) Most Sheeple have cloth ears and will consume any old shit.

    No wonder we have come to a situation where Heat rules the World. People are just fed bland nonsense, and then when they have little other choice lap it up like it is going out of fashion.

  3. breeks Says:

    omg. i sad through the exact same thing.

    what the fuck is up with her fass? i mean, WHAT?

    if i want to hear the caterwaul of inbred kittens i’ll go to the shepherds bush markets.

    morning. afternoon, rather. i’ve had a late start.

  4. MerseyMal Says:

    You shouldn’t hear her murdering Live And Let Die – it’s cack

  5. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Thank goodness someone has admitted it too. “I hadn’t really heard Duffy’s singing voice”. I hadn’t even heard of rockferry or Duffy. I have been nodding and (pretending) looking interested when she has been mentioned but I am afraid I had never heard of her. I thought duffy was Stephen Tintin Duffy.

    They would do far better using Corpus Christi Trimble in the ad.

  6. Paul Groves Says:

    Duffy’s role model – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XDAaTzccCik

  7. vones Says:

    I managed about 40 seconds before pulling my headphones off and making an ugh face.

    I like Diet coke too. (not for health reasons, just less syrupy than full fat) Now I shall refuse to drink it.

    The Cobra beer ad effect I believe.

  8. Napoleon Says:

    Diet Coke’s shit. It’s got that weird-tasting sweetener in it. Much prefer normal Coke – it’s better for a man’s belly-growth experiments.

  9. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Yep, normal coke, full fat milk, real butter and full cream.

  10. Mel Says:

    G-mail back up. Woo

  11. piqued Says:

    She sounds like Lulu gargling sand

  12. ugeine Says:

    Tesco Value Amy Winehouse.

  13. fourstar Says:

    @piqued *applause*

    She’s also got that weird mouth-too-big-for-face thing (like Anne Hathaway) which, when lipstick is applied, gives them the air of a transvestite Mr Potato Head.

  14. Excelsior! Says:

    She beat MIA?

    Jesus wept….

  15. ugeine Says:

    When did she beat MIA?

  16. Napoleon Says:

    MIA?

  17. vladtheimpala Says:

    Duffy is the greatest blues singer to come on the scene in the last 40 years, she’s the greatest female songwriter since Carole King was working out of the Brill building. You don’t get it? Your loss.

  18. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Duffy is great. if you like the start of ‘Shout’ by Lulu, as that is all Duffy’s songs ever sound like.

    Anyway, this is good timing; as we are talking about a pointless, vacuous non-singer, cani ASK YOU ALL TO REGALE ME WITH TALES OF YOUR NON-MEETINGS WITH SAME –

    http://extremelisteningmode.com/2009/02/24/the-elm-claim-to-lame-game/

  19. Napoleon Says:

    Vlad – What’s to get? I don’t want to lose something, see? Please, God, don’t let me lose anything else! WHAT AM I NOT GETTING?

  20. vones Says:

    I AM WORRIED ABOUT WHAT I’M NOT GETTING TOO. SEND HELP.

  21. fourstar Says:

    @vladtheimpala I think the ‘loss’ may be the six-figure sum paid to her by Coke, once people turn to Pepsi after 21 seconds of the tuneless pap accompanying their latest oh-look-she-is-just-a-real-person-who-buys-her-cans-of-pop-from-the-same-shops-as-us-regular-punters bland-fest.

  22. ugeine Says:

    ‘Duffy is the greatest blues singer to come on the scene in the last 40 years, she’s the greatest female songwriter since Carole King was working out of the Brill building. You don’t get it? Your loss.’

    Also, if you’re looking for other great blues artists, try the ting tings, and Fatboy Slim.

  23. ugeine Says:

    Oh, and peter Andre. Probably one of the best blues singers to come out of the scene in the last fourty years, apart from duffy. And marilyn manson.

  24. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – Even though your comment was suitably sarcastic enough to raise a smile over here at Napoleon Towers (a flat, in Sheffield), it’s still not enough for me to forgive you for taunting me with your accursed Turkey Twizzlers yesterday.

  25. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Actually, I think Rod Stewart is probably the best white blues singer. Seriously.

  26. Napoleon Says:

    Actually, I think Celine Dion is probably the best white blues singer. Seriously.

    What’s Blues?

  27. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    It’s a feeling Nap.

  28. indy Says:

    best white blues singer

  29. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Disqualified Indy, blues can only be sung in English.

  30. ugeine Says:

    Napoleon: If it’s any use to you, I know I only taunt people about them to try and make myself feel better about the fact I’ll never taste them again. I tried twizzling my own turkey, but it just wasn’t the same.

  31. Nick T Says:

    I thought Anna Nicol Smith died…..

  32. Napoleon Says:

    It was a heartless thing to do, Ugeine. It’s bad enough that that swine Oliver has denied me my Twizzlers, but to have some youngster rubbing it in was … was …

    I can’t go on …

  33. godshatmyipod Says:

    Does anyone remember Lesbian Diet Coke? It was scrumptious and, I think contained either lesbian love juice or vanilla or both. Any road I miss it [sniff].

  34. godshatmyipod Says:

    PS – as the only accredited, official, radio presenter of the Blues currently present, I can assure you that Duffy is most definitely not the Blues.

    She may be the new Tom Jones, but I’m not sure we need another Welsh Walrus impersonator.*

    That’s a walrus impersonator who is Welsh. I don’t think walruses are Welsh. Mind you, with all this fake global warming nonsense, they may have flitted. But you’d figure they’d go somewhere nicer than Wales.

  35. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    or those homosexuals you put in your hot drink instead of sugar.

  36. Joanne Says:

    Haha, two of my friends went to uni with Duffy and they say she’s a completely boring, ‘non-person’ and apparently she got where she is now by doing something with her mouth that involved absolutely no singing.

  37. godshatmyipod Says:

    DINLT: I am reliably informed that the Coke company used to strap a lesbian upside down and have her drip into the vat of juice.

    Joanne: Would that be honking ala walrus?

  38. ugeine Says:

    People in the music industry have it so tough sometimes.

  39. Mel Says:

    Joanne, was that miming? Lip Synch?

    *innocent face*

  40. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    http://www.hermesetas.com/data/en/home.php

  41. Mel Says:

    GSMIpod – if she were upside down, what is she dripping from – her nose? ears? what?

  42. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Good point Mel, we are going to have give this some thought.

  43. godshatmyipod Says:

    Mel – you really had to ask, therefore I have to answer.

    Vanilla flavoured lesbian love juice.

    Shure own fault.

  44. Mel Says:

    Read.My.Text.

    I said what is she dripping FROM?

    not what is she dripping.

    all that wanking to Rawk has affected your eyesight.

  45. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    stenders is being groundbreaking tonight. still, will be watching inter v man u. Come on Jose!

  46. Napoleon Says:

    Is she dripping this lesbian juice out of ‘er eyeballs?

  47. godshatmyipod Says:

    Apologies Mel, she is obviously dripping from her bajinga.

    Perry – mebbe that’s where they drip from over in Bogtrotters land, but the wimmin folk this side of the Irish Sea are constructed properly. Apart from no-neck Welsh walrus dwarves, that is.

  48. Mel Says:

    Exactly, NC. This “love juice” is actually the tears of poor upside down, tortured lesbians.

    Most certainly NOT what GSMboll*x is implying. If she were upside down, there would be no love juice.

  49. Napoleon Says:

    I’d just like to point out that a courier’s just turned up at my house bearing an icebox packed to the gills with prime cuts of ribeye steak and chateaubriand from the good people of Donald Russell – suppliers of the finest quality meat and poultry to Her Majesty the Queen.

    Now what I want to know is this: who the hell’s sending me meat through the post?

  50. Mel Says:

    Can you make a ship from it Nappers?

  51. godshatmyipod Says:

    Mel – have you ever seen a lesbian juice extraction machine in operation? Eh, eh? Well, then.

    Perry – be very, very careful. Look at this;

    No meat is more tender or delicious than the meat from Donald Russell, Royal Warrant holder and Britain’s leading mail order meat supplier, based in Aberdeenshire, Scotchland.

    Yes, Scotchland.

  52. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – I’ve just looked at how much the fucking stuff costs on the internet. I’m damned if I’m making a meat ship out of it.

    Who’s sent me this? It’s the poshest meat I’ve ever seen.

  53. Napoleon Says:

    Mr. H – I know it’s from Scotchland. It’s made off of them Aberdeen Angus cows you have up there.

    Is this from you? Some sort of stalking present full of poison?

  54. Mel Says:

    You made no mention of an extraction machine, you said it exuded from her whilst she was held in an upside down position. Now, it may have been a very long time since you did the sex with that poor disabled lady at a rawk concert, so maybe you cannot be expected to remember, but i can assure you that upside down ladies do NOT drip from their genitals.

  55. Napoleon Says:

    What about lesbians? Surely there’s different rules?

  56. Mel Says:

    NC – do you keep getting random foodstuffs through the post? I recall Mr H’s cake, but i think i recall you getting some stuff too.

    You are each other’s stalkers, I’ll wager.

  57. Mel Says:

    Lesbians are the same as wimmins. If you cut them, do they not bleed?

    If you hang them upside down, do they not weep vanilla flavoured tears?

    The answer is yes, so there are no special rules for them.

  58. godshatmyipod Says:

    Mel – I had assumed that most folks would have a working knowledge of lesbian love juice extraction, but I forgot that thanks to all the damned Eurocrats forcing our children to learn the metric system and other such works of Babel, that no-one has any basic mechanical engineering experience anymore. May I suggest going back 50 years or so, and getting an education. Either that or write to Coke asking for some work experience.

    And as any fule kno, the application of plumbers tape does not make a woman disabled, it merely disables her. An entirely different thing.

    Perry – you have to decide;

    a) do I hate you enough to spend money killing you, or
    b) does my Scotchness prevent me from spending valuable florins on your death.

    You have two lifelines left. Do you want to ask the audience or phone a friend.

    Oh, hang on, you don’t have any friends. Sorry.

  59. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – Did I? I don’t remember that. What was it last time?

  60. Excelsior! Says:

    Whats going on?

    Theres two forums to post on now and what are we talking about? As far as i can follow some kind of racist lesbian pile on, ontop of a dying Jade Good. Covered in Pepsi.

    Now meats involved? Are we supposed to be making this pile on out of meat again?
    This is the last time i attend to real life for a couple of hours.

    Incidently ugeine, Duffy beat M.I.A for British Female Solo Artist at the Brits.

  61. Napoleon Says:

    Mr. H – I wouldn’t want friends if they’re were like the pack of brain-damaged baboons you undoubtedly hang around with, you fat apeman.

    You’re right though. Being Scotch, there’s no way you’d spend that sort of money arranging my poisoning.

  62. Mel Says:

    But you said she DRIPS. This does not indicate any form of extraction. When you extract milk from cows they do not DRIP. When you syphon the python, it does not DRIP (or, if it does, i would go for an urgent prostate examination if i were you)

    Now, GSMTerribleKnowledgeofAnatomyandEngineering, you are left with a quandary. You must now either:
    A) Accept that your initial assertion that it drips is incorrect, making you WRONG, or having to accept that you have never rung coke to get the gen off them
    or
    B) Accept that your knowledge of anatomy, and ability to find your way around a lady (even in the presence of a qualified anatomist – me, though accepting that the lady you are trying to find your way around is definitely not me) is shite, and therefore you should be banned from said activity ever again, not just for this, but also the good of mankind.

    Well, which is it to be?

  63. Mel Says:

    NC, in the heat of the moment of proving Mr “doesn’t know his way around a roundabout, let alone the fairer sex” H wrong, i think i might have been mistaken about your random foodstuffs. I seem to have been on a lot of blogs where commenters have been blessed with mysterious food packages of late.

    Apologies for any confusion.

  64. Napoleon Says:

    Excelsior – It’s a pile-up, not a pile-on. A pile-on’s what you shout at school when you want to crush the fat kid as punishment for being fat.

  65. Nick T Says:

    Pythons now?

  66. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – To be fair to Mr. H, how is he supposed to know his way round a lesbian?

  67. Mel Says:

    NC – not to be confused with a scramble, which is where everyone wanted some of your crisps/sweets/mandarins or whatever in the playground. Being too tight to give all of them one each, you would throw a few in the air and yell “scramble”

  68. Mel Says:

    But lesbians do not have a distinct anatomy from other wimmins. If he cannot find his way around a lesbian, then, by extraction, he also cannot find his way around a lady….

  69. Excelsior! Says:

    I thought we were punishing Jade Goody for dying on telly and for not being a lesbian Girl Aloud.

    We always used to pile on ppl then grab all the diner money that fell out. Nice little earner actually/

  70. Napoleon Says:

    So they’re the same, are they? Well you learn something new everyday. I thought they had a different, lesbian-specific arrangement of particulars down there. Not that it’s any of my business or that there’s anything wrong with it (except in the eyes of a furious God, obviously).

  71. Napoleon Says:

    Excelsior – I remember the glorious pick-pocketing opportunities of a good old-fashioned pile-on. Eight Walkmen I had as a boy – eight. And no doubt those fat kids have been psychologically damaged for life into the bargain. Serves ’em right, those fat little rats.

  72. Excelsior! Says:

    Confucius he say “fat kids lose dinner money till fat kids can run away”

  73. godshatmyipod Says:

    I’m not convinced by all this quasi-Stalinist PC nonsense about lesbians being like other ladies. If they were like other ladies, then they wouldn’t be lesbians, would they?

    I can assure you, though, that when I went on my guided tour of the Vanilla Diet Coke factory, the lesbian of the day, was definitely hanging upside down from a leather and titanium structure, that vaguely resembled an upside down gondola.

  74. Napoleon Says:

    But that was the beauty of the fat kid – he couldn’t run away, hence, free money for the rest of us. How they managed to stay that fat when they were having all their sweets money nicked off of ’em every time they left their houses amazes me.

  75. Mel Says:

    Well, Mr H, where is the extraction in that contraption? You like drinking the vanilla tears of tortured lesbians. Fact.

  76. godshatmyipod Says:

    As said lesbian was at least fifty feet in the air, details were hard to pick out, and you can be sure the Coke company weren’t giving any trade secrets away. I assume the extraction was painful, hence why it is no longer marketed. Bloody Eurocrats.

    The juice is pictured here;
    http://snipurl.com/ck3fm

  77. Excelsior! Says:

    Solution for the modern obesity “epidemic”

    Everytime a large person ambles down the street everyone piles on and steals all their tuck money. This stops them from buying all the crisps, pop and pies theyre no doubt on their way to scoff. The money could be given to charity or some such nonsense. They lose weight, we have fun, Slebs can be paid not to die on telly. Everyones a winner.

  78. Mel Says:

    Excelsior, i am not sure about this idea of slebs not being paid to die on telly. I can think of a number of them where the dying on telly could be a positive advantage.

  79. Napoleon Says:

    I like this plan, Excelsior. It’s about time fat adults get the same treatment their fat child counterparts have enjoyed for centuries.

    Bearing that in mind, we should also be able to flick ’em with wet towels until they’re running about squealing like pigs.

  80. Excelsior! Says:

    The problem there mel is one i think was touched upon earlier. No matter how vile/ignorant/generally unpleasant the sleb, the moment we put them on telly to die they become the nations darling.

    I will not see Robbie Williams turned into a martyr. I wont I WONT!

  81. Mel Says:

    I meant to say i could see some improvement. But i get your point

  82. Napoleon Says:

    I would. Happily.

  83. godshatmyipod Says:

    Now I’m with you on the whole torturing the fat idea, but do we really want them running about squealing like pigs?

    I remember my one visit to Sarf Lahndan and the whole place was a wobbling, wibbling morass of obesity. If they’d all lumbered off at once, they would have been destroying buildings, crushing small animals underfoot and caused a mass panic.

    Could we not, perhaps, round them up, take them off to the countryside, set them loose, then charge admission so that people can torture them there. I smell a Royal Warrant in the offing.

  84. Excelsior! Says:

    Well, martyr in the “haha look the lions got his balls in its mouth” way yes. But i more worried about the “our brave robbie singing til the end way”.

  85. Napoleon Says:

    Mr H – This is none of your business. As a fat bastard, you would be a target of the towel flickings and pile-ons, not a perpetrator. Keep your nose out, you greedy, truffling hippomapopomous.

  86. Napoleon Says:

    Excelsior – I’d prefer to see him torn apart by lions. You could make a day of it for the whole family – a public flogging, a bear-baiting and then Robbie fed to the lions as the main attraction.

    Apparently Bull Mastiffs are the best bear fighters, so I’m told.

  87. godshatmyipod Says:

    Yes, but I’m a Scotch fat bastard. We have to be well padded to stave off the Arctic winters. You English are just lardarses.

  88. Mel Says:

    What? Has Robbie put on so much weight that he is considered a bear now?

  89. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – I was talking about baiting a real bear, like wot they done in the good old days. Obviously, nowadays there’d be all sorts of safety regulations from the animal cruelty mob to stop the dogs harming the bear (or vice-versa), but I reckon you’d still have quite a fight on your ‘ands even if all four animals were trussed up in protective foam suits, knee-pads and what-have-you.

  90. Mel Says:

    I am sure that there are specialist clubs for that sort of thing Nappers.

  91. Excelsior! Says:

    I spent a month in wales on an excavation once (i done archaeology at university) and without tv we fell to wondering what animals a man could fight in unarmed combat. I reckon i could beat any single canine no probs cos theyve only got mouths really

    Not just one on one though, like how many squirrels could you take before they overwhelmed you and that.

  92. Napoleon Says:

    There was a man in Lincoln who was taken down by a Rottweiller a few years ago. It only had a mouth, like, but it was amazing how much of his face it managed to remove before it was dragged off and shot.

  93. Excelsior! Says:

    My fass is ‘orrid anyway. I could have one of them new fangled face transplants.

  94. Napoleon Says:

    Excelsior – When you said you studied Archaeology, did you really mean you’re a shit-shovellor? Like when a bin man calls himself a Waste Management Operative?

  95. piqued Says:

    ‘I remember my one visit to Sarf Lahndan and the whole place was a wobbling, wibbling morass of obesity’

    Well we’re not all like that, Sir, I’m svelte damn your eyes, svelte and quite, quite beautiful

    Damn your ears too

    (and winkle)

  96. Excelsior! Says:

    If id been a shit shoveler i would have earned an honest wage, instead of pissing 12K up against a wall with only a shitty degree, thats of no practical use to anyone outside a bunch of social misfits to show for it.

  97. Napoleon Says:

    Surely you could get a job as a bearded twerp sifting shit in the background on Time Team? Have you got a beard?

  98. Excelsior! Says:

    No. If i attempt to grow a beard it generally looks like a tramps glued pubes to his face, which is embarrassing cos im past the mid point of my twenties.

    If you want a job in archaeology you must:

    – drink gallons of real ale

    – be a barely concealed racist

    – stink

    The type of archaeology i wanted to do involved whip, hats and boulders. Three years of crushing tedium knocked that right out of me.

  99. Napoleon Says:

    I thought cartooning would be all pens, paper and paints when I was a boy. And it was. So that’s … er … that.

    Ahem …

  100. Kansas City auto glass Says:

    I love coke, but what a horrible ad. They need to fire the PR firm they use because they just make coke look silly. Who knows they could put out the worst ad ever i would still drink coke, after all pepsi taste like dirt.

  101. Swineshead Says:

    I used to know some archaeologists, and Exelsior! is right.

  102. Badger Madge Says:

    My streaming consciousness on the pepsi/coke debate.

    http://badgerdiary.wordpress.com/2007/03/23/pepsi-and-surely/

    BMTV back this week. Sometime!

    Woop. Etc.

  103. Dave Says:

    Duffy has the chin structure of a Victorian snow plough, and no soul. That is all.

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