Masterchef – Tonight’s Final


masterchef final

BBC2 have served up another sublime series of Masterchef this year and it’s difficult to choose which of the three finalists should win. In fact – I want them all to win, buy an island together and set up the most chaotic restaurant in the world, overcooking pies and not allowing cheesecakes to set until their hearts are thoroughly content.

But there can be only one – and my personal frontrunner at the moment is Andy, who last night managed to serve up what looks like a small, pastry panda sitting on a potato-bamboo raft (pictured above).

They’ve been through the tough times and tonight all they have to do is cook their best three-courser to seal their victory. They can count themselves lucky they’ve got past the stage where they have to cook for the critics. Anyone who has to go face-to-face with Jay Rayner without vomiting has been challenged, and being able to leave a meeting with that gorgon Kate Spicer without being turned into a miserable statue is a win in itself.

Let’s have a look at them in more detail…

* * *

Chris – The Small Boy:

Chris is a hapless little man, 24 years of age, who falls to amusing pieces when asked to lead a group. With the most unconvincing self up-talk of the bunch, you can’t help but feel sorry for him when he’s onscreen gazing at squid-ink pasta with an expression that reads ‘I am terrified of food’.

Reason to back him: He’s the youngest, is fresh-faced and seems like a decent chap.

Andy – The Comeback Kid:

Despite initally seeming like a bit of a braggart, Andy’s won us over despite his awkward swagger. Having failed last series, he’s returned stronger and is constantly rescuing Chris from disaster like a catering child-minder. Andy is pretty selfless and pretty bloody good at the old cooking. He’s earned his place in the final.

Reason to back him: The ‘comeback’ angle gives him the kind of story  Producers loves to put out there.

Mat – The Happy Egg:

Mat’s the oldest and probably the most accomplished of the three, with the best palette on the evidence provided. He’s also endearingly weeble-like, and his goatie somehow makes him even more humpty like. After listening to him speak every day for the past two or three weeks, I still can’t place his accent, mind you.

Reason to back him: He cries all the time. Happy or sad, Mat’s your best bet for a blub-off. The cameras love an eye-dribbler.

* * *

Who will win?

Who deserves to win?

One things for sure – ‘whoever wins, it’ll change their life’.


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129 Responses to “Masterchef – Tonight’s Final”

  1. carolinegilmour Says:

    Andy FTW. He is decent and lovely.

  2. Nick T Says:

    Andy will win because he “constantly delivers on flavour”

    Weeble will not lose as he doesn’t “deliver on flavour”

  3. Nick T Says:

    What DO they win?

  4. Nick T Says:

    Should have read Weeble WILL lose……

  5. Barnster Says:

    Will be either Andy or Matt – and agree exactly with your summary of them! I think fi Andy doesnt win there could be claret in the kitchen, although Matt has definately shown the biggest improvement. What am I going to do when its over? Might have to enter myself next year

  6. Mel Says:

    Nick, they win a year’s contract with a top chef. This was filmed last year, so the winner will be well into that one year now. The pretty ones (Thomasina Myers, the winner of the first of the new format Masterchef) also get to appear on other food programmes. I have not seen any other winners do this, but i think they have all been men.

    In reality, i guess a lot of them (finalists) could go back and work with some of the restaurants they have done work experience in.

    I bet they wish they could win Napoleon’s prize in the bloody inaccessible quiz he is running.

    Is Matt a kiwi? I have been trying to place that odd little accent of his.

  7. Barnster Says:

    Mel – think his antipodean background could sway John T – and the fact he wants to ‘CHANGE HIS FAMILIES LIVES’ 😉

  8. Swineshead Says:

    Barnster – ‘Might have to enter myself next year’

    I tried to do that one lonely night.
    Broke two ribs and slipped a disc – I’d leave it be, they’re on opposite sides for a reason.

  9. Swineshead Says:

    Thomasina – was she in that Channel 4 series (mercifully not recommissioned) in which they forraged for all their food?

    It was rubbish.

  10. Mel Says:

    Yes, but she has also appeared on other food programmes, and the Guardian sometimes ask her to do the odd recipe.

  11. Helen Says:

    I think Andy will win.

    Only one thing’s for sure. COOKING DOESN’T GET TOUGHER THAN THIS.

    As long as Andy keeps his flavours clean and fresh he’s a shoo-in.

  12. vones Says:

    I can’t say I’ve watched Masterchef, is it still like that Reeves and mortimer sketch where Lloyd Grossman has the cutlery-fingers, huge head and floats around?

  13. Mel Says:

    Does anyone know definitively if Matt *is* a Kiwi?

    I thought i heard him say fush.

    Where is Breeks when you need her?

  14. Swineshead Says:

    I was thinking he sounded like a Devonshire Saffa….

    Vones – get with it granddad – Masterchef’s the coolest!

    Helen – I’d like them all to win. I know that’s aganst the rules, but i felt the same about last year’s batch.

  15. Mel Says:

    well swines, I’m not convinced. No matter how clipped, at least he does sound his vowels.

    As i said before, i bet they are all winners in real life, as they have impressed a number of chefs.

  16. Swineshead Says:

    Someone just told me I watch too much TV. A ridiculous notion.

  17. daveselectricblanket Says:

    ‘i bet they are all winners in real life’. That’s just ruined my TV viewing for tonight then…

  18. vones Says:

    Man, I thought I was street and down with the kids, and their hippity hop, but here I am not knowing about Masterchef. SHAME.

  19. Swineshead Says:

    Yes, Vones. Even Snoop himself digs the ‘Chef.

  20. vones Says:

    That wouldn’t surprise me.

  21. Napoleon Says:

    Masterchef’s a bunch of arse.

  22. Swineshead Says:

    Wendy Richards is dead, I see. A shame.

  23. daveselectricblanket Says:

    Big Cook, Little Cook is the best food show on TV by far. They made a human face the other day out of spaghetti, mushrooms and bacon – I’d like to see that kind of presentational skill on Masterchef. And the little one can fly a wooden spoon.

  24. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve just heard that on the radio. RIP, Pauline.

  25. Swineshead Says:

    I’ll tell you what’s a bunch of arse, Perry – your bloody game! It’s a mess! Buck your ideas up.

  26. Swineshead Says:

    Dave made me do a laugh. I’ll treasure this moment.

  27. Napoleon Says:

    Of course it’s a mess, Swineshead. Which one of my internet games hasn’t been? I’d love to know so I can recreate the formula …

  28. Nick T Says:

    A bunch of arse with a truffle sauce…..
    What a started that was

  29. Mel Says:

    It’s bloody inaccessible Nappers, as I mentioned previously.

  30. Nick T Says:


  31. Napoleon Says:

    It’s just cooking. Three idiots cook stuff, the two idiots eat it. Like Grand Designs, I can’t see what point there is in watching more than one of these.

  32. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – It’s inaccessible? How? Roll a dice, move round the board, answer a trivia question, move to the centre, answer a trivia question, get a cheese, repeat, win the game. What’s so bloody hard about that, eh?

  33. Mel Says:

    I didn’t get past all that nonsense about who’s go it flipping was.

  34. daveselectricblanket Says:

    NC – Write something about history being crap again instead.

  35. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – There has to be rules, y’know?

    Dave – Thanks for the advice. You pasty little turd.

  36. Matt Says:

    Chris is too young and too flappy to win. My money is on Ming the Merciless, so with my gambling record, Andy is a shoo in.

  37. Swineshead Says:

    Dave is a pasty little turd, isn’t he?
    He reeks of racism too. And didn’t you tell me he wanks in the dark?

  38. daveselectricblanket Says:

    Speaking of which, has anyone noticed how Al Murray has taken the Brian Blessed masterclass of character acting? Wear a different costume, shout and hope for the bloody best. A lot of schizophrenics would feel a lot better about their illness if their multiple personalities consisted of the same God forsaken personality – a big, bald bloke dressed as a gay Nazi shouting ‘Beautiful British name!’

  39. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – He does wank in the dark, yes. Still, I’ll take his advice on board. I should write about history being crap again (even though I haven’t actually written about the subject before). You don’t ignore that sort of thing – not when it comes from someone as monumentally talented as Dave.

  40. daveselectricblanket Says:

    You HAVE written about it before, and I speak not as a great talent but as the people. As you’ve mentioned in previous posts about history beign crap, you ignore the people at your peril.

  41. 861andcounting Says:

    Matt with his “palette” deserves it but Andy will win. Thougt Chris should have been in the final and kisked out at the semis. Found that quite unpaletteable…

  42. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – I wrote about how you would have a shit time of it if you went back and lived in the olden days. That’s not the same as saying history is crap. History isn’t crap, and I’ve never said it was.

  43. daveselectricblanket Says:

    I suppose it’s all open to interpretation but, for me, the overall message was a resounding ‘history is crap and living in the modern world is best’. Perhaps you should try a more considered approach to your writing so this misunderstanding doesn’t happen again. Works for me and my blog.

  44. Swineshead Says:

    861 – nice gag!

    Nappers – is Dave still talking?

  45. Swineshead Says:

    Dave’s got a blog?

  46. daveselectricblanket Says:

    It’s only the jewel in the internet’s crown, Swineshead.

  47. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – Sadly, yes.

  48. Napoleon Says:

    Isn’t it just, Dave? With its lack of humour, its lack of posts, its reliance on YouTube videos and its photos of a fat, ugly, ginger-haired man staring into the lens like a startled rabbit. The Koh-I-Noor of blogs.

  49. Napoleon Says:

    By the way, Swineshead. Illustration and wordings first thing tomorrow for ye.

  50. daveselectricblanket Says:

    History is crap is what you wrote about.

  51. ugeine Says:

    Which one is your blog, Dave?

  52. Mel Says:

    “I speak not as a great talent but as the people”

    So, not only is Dave the worst female impersonator on the internets, he is now all of us? That is pushing it a bit far Mr People.

    You don’t speak for me. Bah

  53. ugeine Says:

    If I got half the stick on here that Dave does, I think I’d have taken a sander to my cranium by now.

  54. daveselectricblanket Says:

    Big Cook, Little Cook is a funny kids show! Ha!

  55. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – Did I buggery, you fat little spider. It’s your sort that the neighbours appear on the news about – saying you kept yourself to yourself after the police discover several dismembered corpses in your freezer.

  56. daveselectricblanket Says:

    Which implies I have the means to buy a chest freezer ( I don’t). If I wanted to take the Al Gein, disturbed loner route I’d have to stick the human remains in a novelty mini-fridge from Argos.

  57. Swineshead Says:

    Nice news on the illustration and pic… is 9am possible? Only I’ve got proper work to do tomorrow and I’m skint.

  58. Napoleon Says:

    Swines – I’ll get ’em to you tonight instead.

  59. Swineshead Says:

    Super duper!

  60. Badger Madge Says:

    Wendy Richard has died

  61. ugeine Says:

    Lord Byron has gone missing.

  62. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve just dropped a Rib ‘n’ Saucy Nik Nak, and it appears to have disappeared into a vortex …

  63. Swineshead Says:

    Unless your missus is around, I’d let it fester wheresoever it dropped.

  64. ugeine Says:

    Napoleon, I share your loss. I lost damn near half a pack of wotsits to the Bermuda triangle of space behind my desk this lunch.

  65. Nick T Says:

    SH, my suggestions for ‘tnext mashup?

  66. Napoleon Says:

    Where the hell do these things go? If I had a dog I’d understand. It’s like socks is this.

  67. Mel Says:

    Is it down your top? that is where i often find dropped foodstuffs

  68. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – No. It’s completely disappeared. And it was one of the great big knobbly ones.

  69. Mel Says:

    Belly button?

  70. Napoleon Says:

    Nope. Like the actor Bill Treacher, my Nik Nak’s disappeared off the face of the Earth. Sppoky …

  71. Napoleon Says:

    That’s right – ‘Sppoky’

  72. Excelsior! Says:

    “What DO they win?”

    I noticed the last but one winner as a kitchen minion on Great British Menu last year.

    My favorite bit on Masterchef is when times getting tight and Gregg goes and stands behind them with his hand on his head, like their defusing a bomb and its got 5 seconds to go.

    My money’s on Ming this year

  73. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Guessing you’ve all heard the ‘stenders news.

  74. Napoleon Says:

    Wagonwheel – Is Eddie Royal being brought back from the dead as a zombie?

  75. daveselectricblanket Says:


  76. daveselectricblanket Says:

    What should I call my new blog?

  77. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Nah, apparently the actress what plays Pauline has popped her clogs. Maybe she’ll come back for a zombie special though.

  78. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Dave’s Blog.

  79. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – ‘Nothing To See Here’? Because, going on your previous track record, there will be nothing to see on it? Because you never post anything, like?

  80. Dave Says:

    Well, I’ve left my glorious high society life in Manchester to seek a simple life in fucking Scotland – I have all the time in the world to post shite.

  81. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Dave’s Breezy Kilt?

  82. Dave Says:


  83. Dave Says:

    Swineshead – It’s okay for me to hijack your comments section and use it to find a name for my new blog, right?

  84. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    As long as we keep it on topic, it should be alright. It’d all gone a bit quiet as it was.

    Dave’s Little Chef Experiences – A blog where you, Dave, write about all the experiences you’ve had with the British roadside classic, Little Chef.

  85. Dave Says:

    I’m more of a Happy Eater purist, myself. Where did those fine establishments go? A big red man stuffing a finger down his gob like he has an eating disorder – brill.

  86. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Frankly he had the right idea. Safest thing to do after ingesting their sausages. Hard on the outside, liquid on the inside.

  87. Dave Says:

    /\ look

  88. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Does it come with another badge saying ‘…honest’?

  89. Swineshead Says:

    You can talk about what you like, lads. Keep it clean though, you anal pussies.

  90. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Wait, is that a compliment or a horrible medical complaint?

  91. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – In other words, you’ve lost your job, run out of money and have now had to move back to your parents’ house with your tail between your legs? And you’re how old?

  92. Swineshead Says:

    Easy there Nappers… that’s the equivalent of rock bottom for some folk. Get your act together Dave!

  93. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – That’s what happens when you spend all day on the internet when you’re working for a company that’s all about targets and dress-down Fridays. I have no sympathy for the likes of Dave – he sacked himself.

  94. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    As will you, when you bugger off to Italy, presumably. Unless you plan on producing cartoons of ladies all nudie-like for Italian adverts.

  95. Swineshead Says:

    I don’t know how I got away with it for so long.

  96. Dave Says:

    I am 23, you bastard. And I’ve not lived with my folks for five years so, yes, I view it as rock bottom. However, I know many people my age and older who live with their folks. It’s pathetic but not unheard of. I won’t be here for long. Bastard.

  97. Napoleon Says:

    Wagonwheel – I’m not sure I follow you.

  98. Swineshead Says:

    That’s the spirit, Dave. Make the most of the free meals, hatch plans then find your fortune. I’m sure there’s money to be made by wanking in the dark.

  99. Swineshead Says:

    Nappers – I think JQW’s got some bellows and a wood fire, and he’s aiming the smoke at your anus.

  100. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – So you’re hardly ‘seeking the simple life in Scotland’, are you? That was a lie. A lie I exposed. You should be ashamed of yourself.

  101. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    SH – I like your copywriting website. Nice and clear. Incidentally, I marched down through Holborn on an anti-fees demonstration. Wonder if you noticed us. I was there hating everyone around me, because they were a load of red-flag revolutionary buffoons who ended up shouting that they wanted ‘freedom for gaza’ and attempted an impromptu sit-in at a road junction.

  102. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Wrong anus, SH. You get the smoke today. Enjoy that smokey ass.

  103. Napoleon Says:

    I wonder how many people gave a fuck about this anti-fees demonstration?

  104. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Demonstration was yesterday afternoon. I cleverly managed to omit that useful nugget of information.

  105. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Nobody, because it was hijacked by a band of total lunatice. I mainly went along for the photo-op.

  106. Dave Says:

    Sorry for being jovial about my life imploding in on itself to such an extent I’m now on a course of antidepressants, fully in the knowledge that most of my friends are 200 miles away and the nearest to a real job around here consists of removing the shells from crayfish. Bastard.

  107. Swineshead Says:

    I don’t work in Holborn any more, sir – I lounge around on my arse waiting for my money to run out at home.

    We always used to get demos going past in Holborn. I used to feel a bit of a fraud standing outside my offices – the Mayday ones being the most amusing. I’d be stood there smoking as the anarchists wandered by chanting about the likes of me. Then I realised they were all trust fund hypocrites and stubbed my fag out, heading off to make some more money.

  108. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – nobody’s genuinely having a go. Things’ll look up soon – they always do.

    I did a spherical poo yesterday. A perfect sphere. Does that cheer you up?

    Does it?

    Does it?

  109. breeks Says:


    i have to disagree, sh, that this year’s masterchef is a good’un. it is, of course, comparatively good compared to the last series which was TURD. not even gourmet TURD.

    ming will win, tho’ he doesn’t deserve cause his fass is well annoying. and yes, that’s a kiwi accent. if he doesn’t stop smiling and talking (? smalking) i will make it my life’s mission to wipe that smile off his fass, like wot my dad used to do to me when i was naughty.


  110. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – Serves you right.

    Swineshead – Don’t knock demos. For us regional types, they offer a dirt-cheap way of getting down to London by coach for a day’s sight-seeing. If you don’t mind travelling with a bunch of dirty idiots, you can sign up for the demo, travel down and spend your day looking at dinosaurs in the Natural History Museum.

  111. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Yes, the cunts who were there shouting ‘REVOLUTION!’ were also wearing cordruoy and I could tell that as soon as they learnt about economics and realised that their politics were pissing in the wind, they’d be knocking on the interview doors at PriceWaterhouseCoopers with M&S ties and oiled hair.

  112. Swineshead Says:

    What have dinosaurs ever done for us?





  113. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Your spherical poo cheers me up. I have also laid pellets in my time.

  114. Dave Says:

    They look like Revels don’t they, JQW? And taste like them too – well, the peanut ones…I don’t think they do sweetcorn.

  115. Excelsior! Says:

    Dave – i was on antidepressants recently. I wouldnt recommend losing them and not getting any more for five days. Your eyes get all hot and you get the shakes.

    Having experienced Happy Pills, i can authoritatively say that spherical poos are alot more cheering.

  116. Dave Says:

    NC – No, it serves YOU right. I’m sure your life’s been one great walk in the park but others are stupid, short-sighted and reactionary.

  117. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Best placards from yesterday were:




    with the prize for the least original going to:

    ‘F**K FEES’

    My own was merely a large bit of cowhide pattern with the words ‘GOT MILKED?’ I was pleased with it.

  118. Swineshead Says:

    A doctor told me to take Seroxat (kid’s prozac) when I was 17 because I told him I couldn’t stop getting drunk. The beardie fucking idiot.

    Did the course, went mental, stopped taking them.

  119. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – I’ve had a wheeze of a time, me.

    *lights cigar with £50 note*


    *bathes in gold*


    *drys arse with money*

    Oh yes! Aaaaaaaah!

    P.S. Serves you right.

  120. Dave Says:


  121. Kat Says:

    Mat is from New Zealand. I know him and he told me so himself. He wouldn’t tell me if he won or not, though, drat those contracts! 😉 I will just have to find out tonight…can’t wait.

  122. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Nappers can’t be that much of a bastard – he’s not told any Ivan Cameron jokes yet.

  123. Napoleon Says:

    And I never would do, Wagonwheel. What sort of a cunt do you take me for? Sorry, cnut.

  124. Excelsior! Says:

    He would tell you that though, wouldnt he Kat. He’s hardly gonna reveal he’s traveled to Earth to enslave the puny Human race.

    And no one, not even that pesky Flash Gordon, is gonna stop him now.

  125. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Damn, he almost fell into my cunning and elaborate trap.

  126. ugeine Says:

    I stopped myself from doing a Dave. Now I only go on the internets when nobody is looking.

    The sniggering turned into a hasty cough usually gives me away though.

  127. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – Dave deserves every turd that’s thrown his way, in my opinion. Those who set out on life’s little journey with a spring in their step, an optimistic outlook and a sackful of hopes and dreams should be CRUSHED under the merciless heels of the forces of hopelessness, wretchedness and despair. I’ll not be truly satisfied until he’s found dead in a bed in a workhouse, the pasty little racist.

  128. ugeine Says:

    Could be worse.

    He could be into Emo…

  129. Support TV Mural Says:

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