BBC2 have served up another sublime series of Masterchef this year and it’s difficult to choose which of the three finalists should win. In fact – I want them all to win, buy an island together and set up the most chaotic restaurant in the world, overcooking pies and not allowing cheesecakes to set until their hearts are thoroughly content.
But there can be only one – and my personal frontrunner at the moment is Andy, who last night managed to serve up what looks like a small, pastry panda sitting on a potato-bamboo raft (pictured above).
They’ve been through the tough times and tonight all they have to do is cook their best three-courser to seal their victory. They can count themselves lucky they’ve got past the stage where they have to cook for the critics. Anyone who has to go face-to-face with Jay Rayner without vomiting has been challenged, and being able to leave a meeting with that gorgon Kate Spicer without being turned into a miserable statue is a win in itself.
Let’s have a look at them in more detail…
* * *
Chris – The Small Boy:
Chris is a hapless little man, 24 years of age, who falls to amusing pieces when asked to lead a group. With the most unconvincing self up-talk of the bunch, you can’t help but feel sorry for him when he’s onscreen gazing at squid-ink pasta with an expression that reads ‘I am terrified of food’.
Reason to back him: He’s the youngest, is fresh-faced and seems like a decent chap.
Andy – The Comeback Kid:
Despite initally seeming like a bit of a braggart, Andy’s won us over despite his awkward swagger. Having failed last series, he’s returned stronger and is constantly rescuing Chris from disaster like a catering child-minder. Andy is pretty selfless and pretty bloody good at the old cooking. He’s earned his place in the final.
Reason to back him: The ‘comeback’ angle gives him the kind of story Producers loves to put out there.
Mat – The Happy Egg:
Mat’s the oldest and probably the most accomplished of the three, with the best palette on the evidence provided. He’s also endearingly weeble-like, and his goatie somehow makes him even more humpty like. After listening to him speak every day for the past two or three weeks, I still can’t place his accent, mind you.
Reason to back him: He cries all the time. Happy or sad, Mat’s your best bet for a blub-off. The cameras love an eye-dribbler.
* * *
Who will win?
Who deserves to win?
One things for sure – ‘whoever wins, it’ll change their life’.
BIG GUTSY FLAVOURS!
Tags: BBC 2, Cookery, Culture, Entertainment, Greg Wallace, John Torrode, Masterchef, Media, Television, TV, Uncategorized
Watch With Mothers 
February 26, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Andy FTW. He is decent and lovely.
February 26, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Andy will win because he “constantly delivers on flavour”
Weeble will not lose as he doesn’t “deliver on flavour”
February 26, 2009 at 12:26 pm
What DO they win?
February 26, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Should have read Weeble WILL lose……
February 26, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Will be either Andy or Matt – and agree exactly with your summary of them! I think fi Andy doesnt win there could be claret in the kitchen, although Matt has definately shown the biggest improvement. What am I going to do when its over? Might have to enter myself next year
February 26, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Nick, they win a year’s contract with a top chef. This was filmed last year, so the winner will be well into that one year now. The pretty ones (Thomasina Myers, the winner of the first of the new format Masterchef) also get to appear on other food programmes. I have not seen any other winners do this, but i think they have all been men.
In reality, i guess a lot of them (finalists) could go back and work with some of the restaurants they have done work experience in.
I bet they wish they could win Napoleon’s prize in the bloody inaccessible quiz he is running.
Is Matt a kiwi? I have been trying to place that odd little accent of his.
February 26, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Mel – think his antipodean background could sway John T – and the fact he wants to ‘CHANGE HIS FAMILIES LIVES’ 😉
February 26, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Barnster – ‘Might have to enter myself next year’
I tried to do that one lonely night.
Broke two ribs and slipped a disc – I’d leave it be, they’re on opposite sides for a reason.
February 26, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Thomasina – was she in that Channel 4 series (mercifully not recommissioned) in which they forraged for all their food?
It was rubbish.
February 26, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Yes, but she has also appeared on other food programmes, and the Guardian sometimes ask her to do the odd recipe.
February 26, 2009 at 12:48 pm
I think Andy will win.
Only one thing’s for sure. COOKING DOESN’T GET TOUGHER THAN THIS.
As long as Andy keeps his flavours clean and fresh he’s a shoo-in.
February 26, 2009 at 12:49 pm
I can’t say I’ve watched Masterchef, is it still like that Reeves and mortimer sketch where Lloyd Grossman has the cutlery-fingers, huge head and floats around?
February 26, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Does anyone know definitively if Matt *is* a Kiwi?
I thought i heard him say fush.
Where is Breeks when you need her?
February 26, 2009 at 12:59 pm
I was thinking he sounded like a Devonshire Saffa….
Vones – get with it granddad – Masterchef’s the coolest!
Helen – I’d like them all to win. I know that’s aganst the rules, but i felt the same about last year’s batch.
February 26, 2009 at 1:02 pm
well swines, I’m not convinced. No matter how clipped, at least he does sound his vowels.
As i said before, i bet they are all winners in real life, as they have impressed a number of chefs.
February 26, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Someone just told me I watch too much TV. A ridiculous notion.
February 26, 2009 at 1:06 pm
‘i bet they are all winners in real life’. That’s just ruined my TV viewing for tonight then…
February 26, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Man, I thought I was street and down with the kids, and their hippity hop, but here I am not knowing about Masterchef. SHAME.
February 26, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Yes, Vones. Even Snoop himself digs the ‘Chef.
February 26, 2009 at 1:14 pm
That wouldn’t surprise me.
February 26, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Masterchef’s a bunch of arse.
February 26, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Wendy Richards is dead, I see. A shame.
February 26, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Big Cook, Little Cook is the best food show on TV by far. They made a human face the other day out of spaghetti, mushrooms and bacon – I’d like to see that kind of presentational skill on Masterchef. And the little one can fly a wooden spoon.
February 26, 2009 at 1:17 pm
I’ve just heard that on the radio. RIP, Pauline.
February 26, 2009 at 1:17 pm
I’ll tell you what’s a bunch of arse, Perry – your bloody game! It’s a mess! Buck your ideas up.
February 26, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Dave made me do a laugh. I’ll treasure this moment.
February 26, 2009 at 1:19 pm
Of course it’s a mess, Swineshead. Which one of my internet games hasn’t been? I’d love to know so I can recreate the formula …
February 26, 2009 at 1:21 pm
A bunch of arse with a truffle sauce…..
What a started that was
February 26, 2009 at 1:22 pm
It’s bloody inaccessible Nappers, as I mentioned previously.
February 26, 2009 at 1:22 pm
*starter
February 26, 2009 at 1:22 pm
It’s just cooking. Three idiots cook stuff, the two idiots eat it. Like Grand Designs, I can’t see what point there is in watching more than one of these.
February 26, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Mel – It’s inaccessible? How? Roll a dice, move round the board, answer a trivia question, move to the centre, answer a trivia question, get a cheese, repeat, win the game. What’s so bloody hard about that, eh?
February 26, 2009 at 1:27 pm
I didn’t get past all that nonsense about who’s go it flipping was.
February 26, 2009 at 1:27 pm
NC – Write something about history being crap again instead.
February 26, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Mel – There has to be rules, y’know?
Dave – Thanks for the advice. You pasty little turd.
February 26, 2009 at 1:30 pm
Chris is too young and too flappy to win. My money is on Ming the Merciless, so with my gambling record, Andy is a shoo in.
February 26, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Dave is a pasty little turd, isn’t he?
He reeks of racism too. And didn’t you tell me he wanks in the dark?
February 26, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Speaking of which, has anyone noticed how Al Murray has taken the Brian Blessed masterclass of character acting? Wear a different costume, shout and hope for the bloody best. A lot of schizophrenics would feel a lot better about their illness if their multiple personalities consisted of the same God forsaken personality – a big, bald bloke dressed as a gay Nazi shouting ‘Beautiful British name!’
February 26, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Swineshead – He does wank in the dark, yes. Still, I’ll take his advice on board. I should write about history being crap again (even though I haven’t actually written about the subject before). You don’t ignore that sort of thing – not when it comes from someone as monumentally talented as Dave.
February 26, 2009 at 1:41 pm
You HAVE written about it before, and I speak not as a great talent but as the people. As you’ve mentioned in previous posts about history beign crap, you ignore the people at your peril.
February 26, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Matt with his “palette” deserves it but Andy will win. Thougt Chris should have been in the final and kisked out at the semis. Found that quite unpaletteable…
February 26, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Dave – I wrote about how you would have a shit time of it if you went back and lived in the olden days. That’s not the same as saying history is crap. History isn’t crap, and I’ve never said it was.
February 26, 2009 at 1:47 pm
I suppose it’s all open to interpretation but, for me, the overall message was a resounding ‘history is crap and living in the modern world is best’. Perhaps you should try a more considered approach to your writing so this misunderstanding doesn’t happen again. Works for me and my blog.
February 26, 2009 at 1:47 pm
861 – nice gag!
Nappers – is Dave still talking?
February 26, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Dave’s got a blog?
February 26, 2009 at 1:50 pm
It’s only the jewel in the internet’s crown, Swineshead.
February 26, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Swineshead – Sadly, yes.
February 26, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Isn’t it just, Dave? With its lack of humour, its lack of posts, its reliance on YouTube videos and its photos of a fat, ugly, ginger-haired man staring into the lens like a startled rabbit. The Koh-I-Noor of blogs.
February 26, 2009 at 1:57 pm
By the way, Swineshead. Illustration and wordings first thing tomorrow for ye.
February 26, 2009 at 1:57 pm
History is crap is what you wrote about.
February 26, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Which one is your blog, Dave?
February 26, 2009 at 2:00 pm
“I speak not as a great talent but as the people”
So, not only is Dave the worst female impersonator on the internets, he is now all of us? That is pushing it a bit far Mr People.
You don’t speak for me. Bah
February 26, 2009 at 2:00 pm
If I got half the stick on here that Dave does, I think I’d have taken a sander to my cranium by now.
February 26, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Big Cook, Little Cook is a funny kids show! Ha!
February 26, 2009 at 2:03 pm
Dave – Did I buggery, you fat little spider. It’s your sort that the neighbours appear on the news about – saying you kept yourself to yourself after the police discover several dismembered corpses in your freezer.
February 26, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Which implies I have the means to buy a chest freezer ( I don’t). If I wanted to take the Al Gein, disturbed loner route I’d have to stick the human remains in a novelty mini-fridge from Argos.
February 26, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Nice news on the illustration and pic… is 9am possible? Only I’ve got proper work to do tomorrow and I’m skint.
February 26, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Swines – I’ll get ’em to you tonight instead.
February 26, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Super duper!
February 26, 2009 at 2:36 pm
Wendy Richard has died
February 26, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Lord Byron has gone missing.
February 26, 2009 at 2:41 pm
I’ve just dropped a Rib ‘n’ Saucy Nik Nak, and it appears to have disappeared into a vortex …
February 26, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Unless your missus is around, I’d let it fester wheresoever it dropped.
February 26, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Napoleon, I share your loss. I lost damn near half a pack of wotsits to the Bermuda triangle of space behind my desk this lunch.
February 26, 2009 at 2:49 pm
SH, my suggestions for ‘tnext mashup?
February 26, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Where the hell do these things go? If I had a dog I’d understand. It’s like socks is this.
February 26, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Is it down your top? that is where i often find dropped foodstuffs
February 26, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Mel – No. It’s completely disappeared. And it was one of the great big knobbly ones.
February 26, 2009 at 2:59 pm
Belly button?
February 26, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Nope. Like the actor Bill Treacher, my Nik Nak’s disappeared off the face of the Earth. Sppoky …
February 26, 2009 at 3:03 pm
That’s right – ‘Sppoky’
February 26, 2009 at 3:13 pm
“What DO they win?”
I noticed the last but one winner as a kitchen minion on Great British Menu last year.
My favorite bit on Masterchef is when times getting tight and Gregg goes and stands behind them with his hand on his head, like their defusing a bomb and its got 5 seconds to go.
My money’s on Ming this year
February 26, 2009 at 3:44 pm
Guessing you’ve all heard the ‘stenders news.
February 26, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Wagonwheel – Is Eddie Royal being brought back from the dead as a zombie?
February 26, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Yup.
February 26, 2009 at 3:55 pm
What should I call my new blog?
February 26, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Nah, apparently the actress what plays Pauline has popped her clogs. Maybe she’ll come back for a zombie special though.
February 26, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Dave’s Blog.
February 26, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Dave – ‘Nothing To See Here’? Because, going on your previous track record, there will be nothing to see on it? Because you never post anything, like?
February 26, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Well, I’ve left my glorious high society life in Manchester to seek a simple life in fucking Scotland – I have all the time in the world to post shite.
February 26, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Dave’s Breezy Kilt?
February 26, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Blognoch?
February 26, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Swineshead – It’s okay for me to hijack your comments section and use it to find a name for my new blog, right?
February 26, 2009 at 4:05 pm
As long as we keep it on topic, it should be alright. It’d all gone a bit quiet as it was.
Dave’s Little Chef Experiences – A blog where you, Dave, write about all the experiences you’ve had with the British roadside classic, Little Chef.
February 26, 2009 at 4:07 pm
I’m more of a Happy Eater purist, myself. Where did those fine establishments go? A big red man stuffing a finger down his gob like he has an eating disorder – brill.
February 26, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Frankly he had the right idea. Safest thing to do after ingesting their sausages. Hard on the outside, liquid on the inside.
February 26, 2009 at 4:09 pm
/\ look
February 26, 2009 at 4:11 pm
Does it come with another badge saying ‘…honest’?
February 26, 2009 at 4:15 pm
You can talk about what you like, lads. Keep it clean though, you anal pussies.
February 26, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Wait, is that a compliment or a horrible medical complaint?
February 26, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Dave – In other words, you’ve lost your job, run out of money and have now had to move back to your parents’ house with your tail between your legs? And you’re how old?
February 26, 2009 at 4:24 pm
Easy there Nappers… that’s the equivalent of rock bottom for some folk. Get your act together Dave!
February 26, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Swineshead – That’s what happens when you spend all day on the internet when you’re working for a company that’s all about targets and dress-down Fridays. I have no sympathy for the likes of Dave – he sacked himself.
February 26, 2009 at 4:28 pm
As will you, when you bugger off to Italy, presumably. Unless you plan on producing cartoons of ladies all nudie-like for Italian adverts.
February 26, 2009 at 4:30 pm
I don’t know how I got away with it for so long.
February 26, 2009 at 4:30 pm
I am 23, you bastard. And I’ve not lived with my folks for five years so, yes, I view it as rock bottom. However, I know many people my age and older who live with their folks. It’s pathetic but not unheard of. I won’t be here for long. Bastard.
February 26, 2009 at 4:32 pm
Wagonwheel – I’m not sure I follow you.
February 26, 2009 at 4:32 pm
That’s the spirit, Dave. Make the most of the free meals, hatch plans then find your fortune. I’m sure there’s money to be made by wanking in the dark.
February 26, 2009 at 4:33 pm
Nappers – I think JQW’s got some bellows and a wood fire, and he’s aiming the smoke at your anus.
February 26, 2009 at 4:34 pm
Dave – So you’re hardly ‘seeking the simple life in Scotland’, are you? That was a lie. A lie I exposed. You should be ashamed of yourself.
February 26, 2009 at 4:34 pm
SH – I like your copywriting website. Nice and clear. Incidentally, I marched down through Holborn on an anti-fees demonstration. Wonder if you noticed us. I was there hating everyone around me, because they were a load of red-flag revolutionary buffoons who ended up shouting that they wanted ‘freedom for gaza’ and attempted an impromptu sit-in at a road junction.
February 26, 2009 at 4:34 pm
Wrong anus, SH. You get the smoke today. Enjoy that smokey ass.
February 26, 2009 at 4:35 pm
I wonder how many people gave a fuck about this anti-fees demonstration?
February 26, 2009 at 4:36 pm
Demonstration was yesterday afternoon. I cleverly managed to omit that useful nugget of information.
February 26, 2009 at 4:36 pm
Nobody, because it was hijacked by a band of total lunatice. I mainly went along for the photo-op.
February 26, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Sorry for being jovial about my life imploding in on itself to such an extent I’m now on a course of antidepressants, fully in the knowledge that most of my friends are 200 miles away and the nearest to a real job around here consists of removing the shells from crayfish. Bastard.
February 26, 2009 at 4:39 pm
I don’t work in Holborn any more, sir – I lounge around on my arse waiting for my money to run out at home.
We always used to get demos going past in Holborn. I used to feel a bit of a fraud standing outside my offices – the Mayday ones being the most amusing. I’d be stood there smoking as the anarchists wandered by chanting about the likes of me. Then I realised they were all trust fund hypocrites and stubbed my fag out, heading off to make some more money.
February 26, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Dave – nobody’s genuinely having a go. Things’ll look up soon – they always do.
I did a spherical poo yesterday. A perfect sphere. Does that cheer you up?
Does it?
Does it?
February 26, 2009 at 4:41 pm
hello.
i have to disagree, sh, that this year’s masterchef is a good’un. it is, of course, comparatively good compared to the last series which was TURD. not even gourmet TURD.
ming will win, tho’ he doesn’t deserve cause his fass is well annoying. and yes, that’s a kiwi accent. if he doesn’t stop smiling and talking (? smalking) i will make it my life’s mission to wipe that smile off his fass, like wot my dad used to do to me when i was naughty.
hello.
February 26, 2009 at 4:42 pm
Dave – Serves you right.
Swineshead – Don’t knock demos. For us regional types, they offer a dirt-cheap way of getting down to London by coach for a day’s sight-seeing. If you don’t mind travelling with a bunch of dirty idiots, you can sign up for the demo, travel down and spend your day looking at dinosaurs in the Natural History Museum.
February 26, 2009 at 4:43 pm
Yes, the cunts who were there shouting ‘REVOLUTION!’ were also wearing cordruoy and I could tell that as soon as they learnt about economics and realised that their politics were pissing in the wind, they’d be knocking on the interview doors at PriceWaterhouseCoopers with M&S ties and oiled hair.
February 26, 2009 at 4:44 pm
What have dinosaurs ever done for us?
WHAT DO WE WANT
NO DIPLODOCUSES
WHEN DO WE WANT THAT
AGES AGO
February 26, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Your spherical poo cheers me up. I have also laid pellets in my time.
February 26, 2009 at 4:46 pm
They look like Revels don’t they, JQW? And taste like them too – well, the peanut ones…I don’t think they do sweetcorn.
February 26, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Dave – i was on antidepressants recently. I wouldnt recommend losing them and not getting any more for five days. Your eyes get all hot and you get the shakes.
Having experienced Happy Pills, i can authoritatively say that spherical poos are alot more cheering.
February 26, 2009 at 4:47 pm
NC – No, it serves YOU right. I’m sure your life’s been one great walk in the park but others are stupid, short-sighted and reactionary.
February 26, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Best placards from yesterday were:
‘FEMINISTS FIGHT FEES’
and
‘STOP FEES – FREE GAZA!’
with the prize for the least original going to:
‘F**K FEES’
My own was merely a large bit of cowhide pattern with the words ‘GOT MILKED?’ I was pleased with it.
February 26, 2009 at 4:50 pm
A doctor told me to take Seroxat (kid’s prozac) when I was 17 because I told him I couldn’t stop getting drunk. The beardie fucking idiot.
Did the course, went mental, stopped taking them.
February 26, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Dave – I’ve had a wheeze of a time, me.
*lights cigar with £50 note*
Aaaaaaaah!
*bathes in gold*
Aaaaaaaaaaaah!
*drys arse with money*
Oh yes! Aaaaaaaah!
P.S. Serves you right.
February 26, 2009 at 4:53 pm
BASTARDS!
February 26, 2009 at 4:53 pm
Mat is from New Zealand. I know him and he told me so himself. He wouldn’t tell me if he won or not, though, drat those contracts! 😉 I will just have to find out tonight…can’t wait.
February 26, 2009 at 4:54 pm
Nappers can’t be that much of a bastard – he’s not told any Ivan Cameron jokes yet.
February 26, 2009 at 4:56 pm
And I never would do, Wagonwheel. What sort of a cunt do you take me for? Sorry, cnut.
February 26, 2009 at 4:57 pm
He would tell you that though, wouldnt he Kat. He’s hardly gonna reveal he’s traveled to Earth to enslave the puny Human race.
And no one, not even that pesky Flash Gordon, is gonna stop him now.
February 26, 2009 at 4:57 pm
Damn, he almost fell into my cunning and elaborate trap.
February 26, 2009 at 5:14 pm
I stopped myself from doing a Dave. Now I only go on the internets when nobody is looking.
The sniggering turned into a hasty cough usually gives me away though.
February 26, 2009 at 5:25 pm
Ugeine – Dave deserves every turd that’s thrown his way, in my opinion. Those who set out on life’s little journey with a spring in their step, an optimistic outlook and a sackful of hopes and dreams should be CRUSHED under the merciless heels of the forces of hopelessness, wretchedness and despair. I’ll not be truly satisfied until he’s found dead in a bed in a workhouse, the pasty little racist.
February 26, 2009 at 8:12 pm
Could be worse.
He could be into Emo…
February 25, 2012 at 11:10 pm
Support TV Mural…
[…]Masterchef – Tonight’s Final « Watch With Mothers[…]…