The Friday Question – WWM TV Room 101


Image by BP Perry. With apologies.

I hate:

Fish fingers, Radio Three, onions, broccolli, The Carpenters, cats, Lincolnshire, monkeys, France, vodka, fashion designers, oysters, Elton John, peppermint creams, Garry Bushell, the 1960s, Radiohead, the Tricorn Centre Plymouth (even though it’s been demolished), fashion models, cheese ‘n pickle sandwiches, leeks, Steve Wright, Look North and cauliflower.


Thankfully, courtesy of George Orwell and (more importantly) television, there’s a place for me to deposit my hate – Room 101. Thanks to this wonderful room, you and I can dump the stuff we loathe, leaving lots and lots of shit-free space in our heads to fill with lovely stuff. Lovely stuff such as world peace, the joyful laughter of a happy child … and really quite extraordinarily large knockers.

So, what five pieces of anger-inducing effluent would YOU consign to the prison that is Room 101? And why? What’s got your goat so much you need to lock it away in an imaginary room for ever and ever, amen?

As we’re a telly site, we’re looking for telly shows to throw in Room 101 primarily. Obviously, this being Watch With Mothers, that rule’ll last what? Eight comments? Six?

Ah well, fuck it … it is Friday after all.

Over to you, ladies and gentlemen …


230 Responses to “The Friday Question – WWM TV Room 101”

  1. Mel Says:

    Well, I hate a lot of things, but if i can also stretch it to radio, here are my first top 5
    1. Radio phone -ins, and more specifically the rabid cockweasels that phone into them. I cannot listen to them anymore, due to health reasons.
    2. The bullshit analysis that comes after sports matches
    3. Trisha/Jeremy Kyle/programmes that exploit the sad situations of the desperate and stupid
    4. Parents that complain that Cbeebies now has a presenter with one arm, on the grounds that they don’t want their children to ask questions about said arm
    5. The Hate Mail’s idiotic crusade against the BBC.

    Not exactly about TV programmes, but close enough.

    Oh, and I forgot Jeremy Clarkson. Can’t flaming stand him.

    Thanks SH, this has been quite cathartic.

  2. Mel Says:

    Oh, and also on radio phone ins, some of them, especially on local radio are also presented by ignorant rabid cockweasels

    I think you may have opened a floodgate here today SH, did you think what you might be letting yourself in for?

  3. Swineshead Says:

    Napoleon wrote the article after I had the idea. So let’s blame Nappers.

  4. Mel Says:

    Well, i have loads more, but will wait for someone else to have a go.

    *interestedly awaits Breeks*

  5. Ashby de la Launde Says:

    1. ITV sports coverage as a whole.
    2. Being Human – a patchwork of stolen ideas fronted by Russell Tovey’s confused child face.
    3. Channel 4 news, specifically the rampant editorialisation and hand wringing anguish of the journalism.
    4. Non-specific BBC3 comedy, so smart and self aware they refuse to write any jokes.
    5. Drooling, infantile sexist dance videos on 4music at approximately 1am, Friday night / Sat morning. Specifically the one with all the power tools. And the no-budget despair of the phone / text lines in the ad breaks.

  6. Swineshead Says:

    I can’t actually think of any.

    Apart from whatever it is Going For Gold’s morphed into on Channel 5 at the moment.

  7. Mel Says:

    They should call that ‘Going for Shit’, swines.

  8. ugeine Says:

    Continuity announcers on Dave.

  9. Mel Says:

    The US versions of the Office and Kath and Kim
    I have also seen Law and Order UK advertised, which makes me angry. I bet it’s shit too, and that is definitely a jump over one too many sharks.

  10. Telemachus Says:

    Well I have to disagree with 2 so far.

    Mel: 2. The bullshit analysis that comes after sports matches.
    That’s all a part of it. It continues in the pub afterwards.
    ADLL:3. Channel 4 news, specifically the rampant editorialisation and hand wringing anguish of the journalism.
    It’s the best news on the box.

  11. Mel Says:

    TM – yes my boyfriend says the same thing. RUBBISH. if it is to be continued then it should ONLY be in the pub after, and not on my telly.

    I agree with you about the news though.

  12. Ashby de la Launde Says:

    ” They should call that ‘Going for Shit’ ”

    That would be an entirely different show, and probably wouldn’t have got commissioned.

  13. Mel Says:

    ADLL – no, i think that wuold be called “Going for a Shit”

  14. Mel Says:

    Hallmark TV, Lee Evans

  15. Nick T Says:

    1 Xfactor/American Idol makes me so angry i just can’t watch it. “This is my big chance, if I don’t get through I don’t know what I’ll do” er, try and get a job singing in a bar?

    2 Any CH5 Freak show

    3 Trinny and Suzanna…..just fuck off!

    4 Any show with Nick Ferari or Piers Moron contained therein.

    5 Eastenders……don’t get me started

  16. fourstar Says:

    1. Eastenders (oooh, controversial)

    2. Comic Relief – not actually in any way Comic, nor any kind of Relief.

    3. That idiot thing where D-list celebs have to jump through the hole in a moving wall? Oh yes, Hole In The Wall. Jesus wept.

    4. Noel’s House Party or whatever it is called this year. Just stop.

    5. Anything with U2 playing, speaking or just standing around looking like mega-rich God-bothering bog-trotting pub musicians.

    That’ll do for starters.

  17. Mel Says:

    I was going to say Comic Relief, but didn’t want to be called curmudgeonly, although i agree with fourstar, neither comic nor relieving.

    I want to add Dale Winton – past his camp best since Supermarket Sweep

  18. Mel Says:

    Stupid middle class idiots that allow any TV presenters to look for new/second/homes in the sun.

  19. fourstar Says:

    Curmudgeon is my middle name; kills ’em down at the Job Centre.

  20. Mel Says:

    The dumbing down of science programmes

    See Sh/ Nappers, a personal floodgate.

  21. Mel Says:

    I love the word curmudgeon. If i ever breed, i might give my child it as a middle name too Fourstar.

  22. ugeine Says:

    Sitcoms starring people who are already household names in stand up comedy.Sitcoms starring people who are already household names in stand up comedy.

  23. Mel Says:

    TV shows that encourage people to get plastic surgery. That really makes my teeth itch.

    Breakfast TV

  24. Ashby de la Launde Says:


  25. Mel Says:

    bog trotters – the common insult to rural Irish folk, as Ireland is full of peat bogs. Good for fuel and compost but too wet to grow much. Implies stupidity due to not living somewhere better (although they couldn’t because the English had nicked all the good land)

  26. Mel Says:

    Two pints of lager

    Actually, BBC 3. Since it launched Little Britain, it appears to have done nothing good or funny.

  27. ugeine Says:

    Fern Cotton.

  28. Mel Says:

    Loose Women *wins*

  29. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t agree with that sitcom thing, Mel. Not Going Out’s great, and I’ve already said you’re all wrong about Lead Balloon.

  30. Mel Says:

    Shit and pointless remakes of original series (also goes for film) see Minder, Starsky & Hutch etc etc

  31. Mel Says:

    Were they launched on BBC 3? I gave up on that years ago. Haven’t seen Not Going Out.

  32. fourstar Says:

    @Ashby de la Launde: What Mel said 🙂

  33. Ashby de la Launde Says:

    Is it alright to insult the Irish again, then?

  34. Badger Madge Says:

    Mel! They’re fecking remaking Total Recall!


  35. Mel Says:

    Programmes that follow the format ‘When something happens’
    eg when animals go bad, when planes fall from the sky, when oxidation occurs, when paint drys etc.

  36. Mel Says:

    Saturday Kitchen, since Gregg off of Masterchef stopped presenting it.

  37. Mel Says:

    QVC, the shopping channel, “infomercials”

  38. Mel Says:

    C’mon everyone else, the title of this post isn’t ‘Mel’s Friday Question’

    Although i have definitively won, by citing loose women – screeching harpies talking shit about nothing of consequence

  39. Napoleon Says:

    Total Recall was a turd of a film. Remake away, I say …

  40. Mel Says:

    spin offs from thrillers – eg Lewis, Taggart after Taggart died (which shold really have then been called Taggart’s Former Colleagues)

  41. fourstar Says:

    @Ashby de la Launde: Yes, it was in the Banking Act 2009, tucked away at the end. Paragraph 266 / 1 (c) “It is alright to insult the Irish again, then.”

  42. Mel Says:

    Watch it fourstar!

  43. Mel Says:

    Dog Borstal – that should be renamed Dog Abuse for People’s Amusement. There are much better ways to train your dog than some of the methods i saw on the one programme of that i watched. That well and truly boiled my piss

  44. fourstar Says:

    @Mel: I thought you all liked the ‘craic’?

  45. ugeine Says:

    That was me, Napoleon. Lead Balloon is a poor mans curb your enthusiasm.

  46. Mel Says:

    @fourstar – I’ll stick my toe up your craic in a minute.

    I am disappointed that the digest contained no reference to how famous Napoleon’s piss is.

  47. Nick T Says:

    Lead Balloon is CYE with more than one joke….

  48. Mel Says:

    TV Evangelists – con artists and rip off merchants every fucking one of ’em. And those TV Tarot card and crystal healers. Charlatans.

  49. ugeine Says:

    Darts in soap operas, oh so wrong oh so wrong, no one’s keeping score and there’s too much talk between each throw.

  50. Mel Says:

    Noel Edmonds on Deal or No Deal. It is a game of chance, there can be no method, it is *not* about positive thinking. BULLSHIT.
    STFU Noel Edmonds. You have been shit since Saturday Swapshop. And may possibly also have been shit then, but that programme is a bit hazy in my memory, cos i usually watched Tizwaz.

  51. Badger Madge Says:

    Napps how could you? It’s one of my fave sci fi films and my second fave arnie film!

  52. Badger Madge Says:

    i HATE that guy from not going out. what a smug twat.

  53. Swineshead Says:

    Lead Balloon is utter rubbish. Jack Dee ran out of stand up material years ago so he resorted to nicking Larry David’s idea, erasing all the charm from the script, shoehorning in a ‘wacky’ American and a stereotype au pair… it’s just irritating television.

    The Old Guys is pretty good – a much better example of a mainstream sitcom that works.

    As for ‘bog-trotting’ – that qualifies whoevers saying it for a list.

    Was it Ashby?

    *puts Ashby on list in indelible pen*

    As I type this a pair of blue tits are nibbling my nuts through a pane of glass. Seriously.

  54. Swineshead Says:

    Lee Mack?

    He’s ace. Not Going Out is alright, and Mack’s stand up stuff is some of the best in the country.

  55. Sid Trotter Says:

    Mick Hucknall- he looks like he is made of pubic marmalade……

  56. Swineshead Says:

    Where can I buy some of this pubic marmalade?

  57. Napoleon Says:

    Lead Balloon’s great. Swineshead doesn’t know what he’s on about. And that’s the end of that.

    And how can you hate Lee Mack? He’s a gag machine-gun.

  58. Badger Madge Says:

    LB= good
    LM = annoying and oh, so cheesy

  59. Swineshead Says:

    BM – Wrong.

  60. ugeine Says:

    Lee Mack is irritating. Comes from the Chris Rock school of shouting your stand up routine so the energy detracts from fact he’s not as good as some others. And SH hit the nail on the head with Lead Balloon.

  61. Nick T Says:

    I’m with Naps on Lead Balloon. It’s beautiful…

  62. fourstar Says:

    Typical Irish; love dishing out the ‘craic’, can’t take it back. I’ve played gigs in Belfast and the abuse we got in the name of ‘local sense of humour’ was disgusting. But turn it back on them and they got all shirty.

    Just saying it how I see it. Stick me on your list, SH.

  63. Ashby de la Launde Says:

    Wait, what kind of list? I didn’t use it, I was questioning its useability. I thought it might be deemed a little bit offensive. I remain surprised that this may not be the case.

  64. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – You’re an arsehole. Lead Balloon’s ace. I don’t see why people keep comparing it to Curb Your Enthusiasm. It’s nothing like Curb Your Enthusiasm.

    Nick – You’re right.

    Ugeine – I forgot to say: You should be smeared in excrement.

    Badger – You’re wrong. And you, too, should be smeared in excrement.

  65. Napoleon Says:

    Badger – You’re not wrong about Lead Balloon, by the way. You should be only half-smeared in excrement.

  66. Ashby de la Launde Says:

    Doesn’t ‘the craic’ refer to fun and enjoyment?

  67. indy Says:

    1. j clarkson
    2. n edmonds
    3. american glossy soaps with indie music soundtrack
    4. myself for watching lady gaga on youtube
    5. the welsh

  68. Mel Says:

    Often, Ashby.

    And I am only half Irish, so retain my rights to be offended on behalf of both parties.

    It does remind me of my favourite line in a sitcom
    Superhans in Peep Show “This Crack’s a bit moreish”

  69. Napoleon Says:

    Mel’s half Irish? Shit! Hide the grenades!

  70. Sid Trotter Says:

    I’m half Irish.

    I’m also half English.

    And half Scotish.

  71. Mel Says:

    No need, we put them beyond use years ago

  72. Mel Says:

    Actually, Indy has reminded me, i would like to nominate Piqued for making me aware of that Boxxy abomination.

  73. Excelsior! Says:

    The new fangled fashion in american shows to have mid season breaks. I hate that good and proper.

    Noel Edmonds

    Aspirational Tv shows like the OC, The Hills etc

    When an intially good series is dragged on past its use by date

    Two pints of larger and a Packet of Crisps

  74. Mel Says:

    EExcelsior – would you really describe the OC et al as “aspirational”?

  75. Napoleon Says:

    My five are:

    Look North – The bright orange woman and the ‘hilarious’ weather man make my skin creep.

    Anything starring Gok Wan – I’ve never actually watched anything starring Gok Wan, but I’m reasonably certain it’d be the sort of thing that would leave me roaring with rage.

    After You’ve Gone – Because there must be hundreds of clever, inventive, interesting, talented, etc. writers of comedy out there who are being ignored by the BBC in favour of SHIT like this.

    My Family – See above.

    Cookery shows, architecture shows, gardening shows – Braindead, 50p TV. No different to sitting on a stool watching paint dry.

  76. indy Says:

    mel: got to admit that i liked your “serve” list (the top one). best one so far…

  77. Mel Says:

    aw shucks Indy


  78. indy Says:

    my family on the 101 list:

    because there must be hundreds of clever, inventive, interesting, talented, etc. parents and siblings out there who are being ignored by the genetic lottery in favour of SHIT like this.

  79. Ashby de la Launde Says:

    ” And I am only half Irish, so retain my rights to be offended on behalf of both parties. ”

    There is perhaps a wider issue here, that the phrase ‘bog-trotter’ hasn’t been used since about 1974 and is generally assumed to be offensive terminology.

    This clearly isn’t the forum for this kind of debate.

  80. Napoleon Says:

    Ashby – I’ve been using ‘bog-trotter’ since 1979. This disproves your theory.

  81. Mel Says:

    Not sure i get you Ashby, what has me being an equal rights offence-taker go to do with the common use of the term big trotter? I merely know what it means due to having been called it.

  82. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – Did you take offence when I called you a cud-chewing rapist? I’m updating my records, see?

  83. Excelsior! Says:

    Not saying i would wish to be in a hundred miles of the disgusting little shits portrayed therein, but i believe the main attraction of those shows, for them as likes them, is the glitizy high class living. I believe the general idea is you should want to be the pretty people.

  84. Mel Says:

    Napoleon – I have never taken offence at anything you say, it simply washes over me.

    Excelsior – but surely the pretty people are not always portrayed in the best light in these shows?

  85. Swineshead Says:

    Mel / Ashby – like, get a room, yeah?

    Let’s have none more of this Irish debate. It’s the Scotch I can’t understand. They don’t make any sense, and they’ve all got red heads.

    There is simply too much bad television to whittle it down to five things. I give up.

  86. Napoleon Says:

    I’d love to be one of the pretty people, Excelsior, as I’m sure Swineshead would too. Sadly, my huge nose, ears and forehead preclude me, as does Swineshead’s hamster cheeks, bird beak nose and ‘hilarious’ curly hair.

  87. Napoleon Says:

    I agree with Swineshead. The Scotch are a mysterious race. And they’re notoriously mean with their money.

  88. Swineshead Says:

    He’s right, Exelsior… Napper’s rat-hair and stubble-less chin along with his bulbous nasal growth means he will never join their ranks.

    Similarly, my ferret-like top lip, yellow teeth and furry ears mean I’m black-balled before I’ve even filled the forms in.

  89. Ashby de la Launde Says:

    Mel – I may be getting my wires crossed here, but are you granting permission for offensive slang to once again be hurled at the Irish?

  90. Napoleon Says:

    I have plenty of stubble on my chin, thanks very much. I have no argument with the hair comment.

    You forgot to mention you’re both fat and five foot high.

  91. Mel Says:

    Permission is not mine to give, i merely provide information.

    Back on topic, Lenny Henry, these days; the Vicar of Dibley; that abominable spin off of Only Fools and Horses, the one with only the unsuccessful actors (the alive ones); Anne “abusive” Robinson; and and and

    You are right SH, there are far too many to limit oneself to 5.

  92. Rodimus Says:

    The Moral Maze, the Observer Magazine, and TV chefs who insist on blithering on about their stupid, stupid lives instead of just cooking.

  93. Napoleon Says:

    Lenny Henry these days? I’d say Lenny Henry at every stage of his career. Remember ‘Chef’? Or that Delbert Wilkins garbage he did, which was only worth watching so you could have a wank over Gina McKee?

    Is it Gina McKee?

  94. Swineshead Says:

    Nappers – I’m a sturdy 5’10 (and a half) thanks. I tower over your 5’3 frame. If you can call it a frame, rather than the pot bellied, weary scaffold it actually is. You ugly twat.

  95. breeks Says:

    it’s against my human telly-watching rights to limit this to 5.

    are you talking only british teev?

    are you?

    that changes things.

    please clarify.

    morning all. today’s my saturday as I WORK A FOUR DAY WEEK EVERY WEEK, YEAH.


    reading ‘kill your friends’ by john niven who happens to be an ex-client of the agency my boyfriend works for. boyfriend describes him as a ‘cunt’ but the book’s really good cause it’s full of violence and machismo and killing and drugs.

    *awaits clarification

  96. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – I’m trying to work out how a 5’10” man ‘towers’ over a 6′ one. Trying, and failing, you poisonous little dwarf.

    And you’re the one with the pot-belly, you monstrous abomination.

  97. Excelsior! Says:

    Mel – There are some like My Super Sweet 16th, that seem constructed purely with the intention to create hate figures and do this job even better then the likes of BB.
    However i know several, otherwise nice people, who lust after the whole power/wealth package and used to hold up the OC as a model of how they wanted their lives to be. Bleugh.

    Napps & SH – its inner beauty that counts though yeah? That pictures got inner beauty in spades.

  98. fourstar Says:

    Sorry I feel I started this with my (utterly warranted) abuse of U2.

    I hereby withdraw the term “bog trotting” and substitute it with “shit”.


  99. Napoleon Says:

    Excelsior – I am crippled by spite. There’s no inner beauty here. None.

  100. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Trying and Failing’ – The Story of Napoleon’s Life.

    You wide-bottomed, cartoon-faced idiot.

  101. breeks Says:


  102. Mel Says:

    Excelsior, i really advise getting new friends, your current ones are clearly broken.

    Breeks – spill, i am sure we will take on all comers

  103. Napoleon Says:

    This coming from a bird / rodent faced midget with clown’s hair, a fat stomach and eyes like piss-holes in the snow.

  104. Excelsior! Says:

    Verdammt! ive been trying to think where i got the aspirational TV phrase from and ive only gone and ported it from Brooker.

    Im a sheep apparently.

    But i still hate the OC.

  105. Napoleon Says:

    I’m reading some rubbish written by a mother / daughter team about a murderer recreating murders he’s seen in a game. It’s rubbish and, being written by women, every character needs what they’re wearing described everytime they appear. Rubbish.

  106. Swineshead Says:

    Nice illustration by the way.

  107. Mel Says:

    Is this going to be your next board game Nappers?

  108. breeks Says:

    1 – Lost

    2 – Christian O’Connell wot was on xfm then went somewhere else & Chris Moyles and Sara Girl-lad-wotser and that lot

    3 – All UK Soaps (all of ’em, every single miserable, deathly grey-skied, home-made, mooning fucking one of ’em)

    4 – any of the ‘perky’ filler music as the T4 twats ‘present’. actually, anything ‘yoof’.

    5 – in the night garden. it’s BROKEN.

    i cannot ream reality tv. i’m a watcher. yesterday i watched e-love on the wedding channel which was about people back in the 90s who met online and met up in real life and it was shit and i loved it.

  109. Mel Says:

    I saw this bloody awful programme on MTV where ex partners and their current partners come together, and the exes are sent off to a luxury spa and the current partners get to spy on them. Awful exploitative, manipulative car crash telly. Couldn’t take my eyes off it, naturally.

  110. Mel Says:

    Is ‘in the night garden’ the tellytubbies for this generation?

    I want to nominate the Telly fucking tubbies too. Unintelligible codswallop.

  111. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – It’s delightful, isn’t it? I was looking for an image that would draw casual readers in to the WWM web.

  112. Excelsior! Says:

    Sometimes i squat in my hovel watching MTV’s Cribs and rock back and forward mumbling “at least money cant buy taste” over and over again.

  113. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve never watched ‘In The Night Garden’. I wouldn’t watch it even if I had kids. When I lived in a house with a four year old in it, I insisted on watching BBC Breakfast News in the morning, and listening to the radio in the afternoon. She didn’t like it, but it’s amazing how quickly you learn to tune out tears and temper-tantrums.

  114. indy Says:

    mel: x-factor, super sweet sixteen, pimp my ride, made, room raiders and nexxxt (sic?) killed the video star.

  115. indy Says:

    ah. forgot cribs. thanks excelsior!

  116. indy Says:

    …and the one about hulk hogan’s daughter.

  117. Swineshead Says:

    I had reservations about sticking it up Nappers. Not sure why, it looks wonderful.

    Ok, my first Room 101 is To Catch A Predator – because it’s not only badly made and self-satisfied, it also sets a dangerous precedent legally and politically.

  118. Excelsior! Says:

    I have to confess to Lost as a guilty pleasure. I wouldnt be able to provide it with even the most basic defence in a court of law, but im determined to see the damn thing through to the end now.

  119. fourstar Says:

    In The Night Garden is soooo last year. It’s all about Chuggington these days. I heard someone singing it randomly in Wickes the other day. Turns out it was me.

    “We’re trainees, we’re making tracks…”

  120. Mel Says:

    Jesus, i am clearly lacking in aspiration, all of these have completely passed me by.

  121. Excelsior! Says:

    SH – is that that American paedo trap?

  122. Mel Says:

    SH – can we have a precis of that one please?

  123. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – I can understand those reservations. It is, after all, a picture of a big shitting arse.

  124. Mel Says:

    Nappers, before i saw the splashes, i thought it was a picture of a horse’s rear end.

  125. Swineshead Says:

  126. ugeine Says:

    Aren’t they granted the power to arrest people by the local government? Tools.

  127. Mel Says:

    SH – Oh. I think that programme is beyond Room 101, i think that fits ito one of Dante’s Seven Circles…Jesus.

  128. Nick T Says:

    Why are rapists called thus?
    I prefer the term Raper.
    Carry on….

    Oh I forgot, anything to do with Big Brother et al

  129. Excelsior! Says:

    Oh god i think i just vomited up my spleen.

  130. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – You thought it was a horse’s arse?

    *thrown out of Society of Illustrators*

  131. Mel Says:

    At first glance Nappers, then i looked properly

  132. Napoleon Says:

    *let back in but told to stand next to the toilets, next to the Pigeon Street guy*

  133. Nick T Says:

    Lettuce, chicory, chinese leaf, cougettes and cheese with a generous dollop of Helmans.
    Yum Cha’d with licorice tea…

  134. Mel Says:

    Something that should definitely NOT go in room 101 was King Rollo, which i think was amimated by the same guy that did pigeon street, wasn’t it?

  135. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – Disgusting.

  136. Mel Says:

    Nick – is that the next entry in your 101 list?

  137. Napoleon Says:

    King Rollo was shit. Shitter than Pigeon Street. Which was also shit.

  138. Mel Says:

    Or was King Rollo by the same guy that did Mr Benn? It was definitely narrated by the same man.

  139. Nick T Says:

    Yes Mel, unless you mean my lunch which I have just remembered also contains broccolli, then no.

  140. Excelsior! Says:

    It IS a good pic Napoleon. Do you do birthday cards? The only ones i can ever find are those ones with some black and white picture of an old woman and a caption like ” Edna loved a nice big cock up her fanny” and there no good at all.

  141. Napoleon Says:

    Excelsior – I did used to do birthday cards, yes. I don’t anymore because, laughingly, I consider myself above that sort o’ thing nowadays. God knows why, the money’s fucking great.

  142. Excelsior! Says:

    So, i imagine, is the money from sex trafficking. Youve got to draw a line somewhere.

    *insert some kind of drawing pun that i cant be arsed to think of here*

  143. Napoleon Says:

    I’d love to profit from sex-trafficking, Excelsior. Unfortunately, my innate aversion to going to prison stops me. Instead, I’ve contented myself with sinking my money into the arms trade, the tobacco industry and several major pharmaceutical companies. I was quids in when Iraq kicked off. Lovely.

  144. Swineshead Says:

    Just rewatching 28 Days Later = why didn’t the little girl in it annoy me first time round? Her accent’s bloody awful.

  145. Napoleon Says:

    I saw the sequel to that and it made me think the Americans are right bastards.

  146. ugeine Says:

    I love the gushing shit from the arse. It’s like a brown river. What I’d give to be able to produce a shit that majestic.

  147. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – You need what I’ve got, old son. That’s what I can look forward to every time I go for a shit.

  148. Swineshead Says:

    You’ve got to love the bit where the soldier gets his eye sockets thumbed. Take that, rapist!

  149. Napoleon Says:

    I’m all for thumbing eye sockets. And neck-snappings, obviously.

  150. ugeine Says:

    Is it the remake of Dawn of The Dead where that girl gets her bellybutton ripped out?

  151. Swineshead Says:

    I think that’s Land of The Dead, Ugeine. Could be wrong. it all goes into a blur. I’m going to have another smoke and watch the Night of the Living Dead remake.

  152. Napoleon Says:

    Don’t watch the remake of Day of the Dead, whatever you do. If you can believe it, it’s worse than the original Day of the Dead.

  153. Swineshead Says:

    The original’s a good one, but the remake is near-unwatchable.

    Seen [rec] yet Napperbabes?

  154. ugeine Says:

    That’s it, Land of the Dead. Dawn of the Dead had the Richard Cheese cover of down with the sickness on it.

  155. Kremble Says:

    My five are:

    1: Wife Swap – ooh look, they’re from different backgrounds and have different values, lets see how many fights we can start by pairing them up.

    2: Gok Wan – apart from airbrushed porn stars NOBODY looks good naked. We all look like we’ve just been poured into our skin from a cement mixer.

    3: Eastenders. Coronation Street. Emmerdale. El Dorado. And any other mind numbingly depressing dross which serves to convinve old people that the characters are somehow REAL. They’re ACTORS ffs. They only took the job cos it means they don’t have to spend the next six months working in Argos whilst their “agent” (mum/dad) tries to get them onto a toothpaste commercial dressed as a white sperm-lookalike.

    4: Anything which encourages the audience to ‘let us know what you think via the red button’. People are morons. Don’t give them a voice, they’ll only go and use it. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

    5: One Tree Hill. The OC. Dawson’s Creek. And innumerable other whingey posh-yank-teen-angst dramas. “Oo eck, what am I gunna doo? Me porsche is buggered and that skinny lass next door has stopped promising to shag me. Guess its back to the penthouse for some cheap sex with a supermodel”. WE’RE JEALOUS, ALRIGHT. We know our lives stink and we don’t have porsches and supermodels dripping out of our pores, and our feet smell and bum itches and if that bastard down at the shop short changes me again I swear I’m going to kill him and post his body back to Co-op head office in tiny jiffy bags. We don’t need it ramming down our throats.


    *Slinks back under rock*

  156. ugeine Says:

    I think that’s the closest anyone on wwm has to a catchphrase. Well, apart from Napoleon’s ‘I hope your innards fall out of your arse.’

  157. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – I did. It shit me up good and proper.

  158. Swineshead Says:


  159. Kremble Says:

    Just coming!

  160. Swineshead Says:

    Arf. Worth getting up early on a Saturday morning, isn’t it?

  161. Kremble Says:

    Adam and Joe – best thing in the world at the moment, by the way. 🙂

  162. Nick T Says:


  163. Nick T Says:

    The height of fashion these kids eh?

  164. Napoleon Says:

    I’d have that engraved on my headstone, Ugeine. There’d be a ghostly chuckle everytime someone was brought up short by it.

  165. Nick T Says:

    Did you notice that I used the old A&J music bed for the WWM jingle on me cast of pod?
    Stop me if I get too technical

    *fiddles with knobs*

  166. fourstar Says:

    Just comi…………oh. Bastards.

    *goes to boring meeting*

  167. Napoleon Says:

    “… apart from airbrushed porn stars NOBODY looks good naked. We all look like we’ve just been poured into our skin from a cement mixer.”

    You’ve clearly never met some of the girls I have. I’d give my left arse cheek for another glimpse of how good they looked naked.

  168. ugeine Says:

    You could get the picture from the top engraved in it below, Napoleon. Make sure the tombstone is about 12 foot tall as well, so it overshadows all the others.

  169. Kremble Says:

    Nick T – yes I did. It gave me a warm feeling inside.

    Fourstar – it’s never too late for a ‘just coming’ 🙂

  170. Swineshead Says:

    Besides – they don’t airbrush porn stars in the material I’ve seen. There’re more often that not vague traces of herpes on the miserable performers, aren’t there?

  171. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – I’m already way ahead of you there. The money I’ve made on death and destruction is earmarked for a tomb of such overbearing vulgarity and outlandish scale, I have every confidence it’ll end up on Ordnance Survey maps marked as a small hill.

  172. Nick T Says:

    I may re do it at the weekend as I thinks it’s a little distorted.

    Just got paid cash for a job. I like cash it smells nice and dirty.

  173. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – It’s surprising how many of them have spotty arses. They never used to have spotty arses in the magazines you found on your travels round the countryside and along railway tracks. Nature’s bounty – them were the days, etc.

  174. ugeine Says:

    Napoleon: I’m sure Dave would love to do the groundskeeping for you at no extra cost. It’d keep him off the streets as well.

  175. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – I wouldn’t have that pitiful creature tending my grave. People would mistake him for some sort of ghoul with his bright white skin and tiny little eyes. And he’d do nothing but wank up the side of my tomb the moment it got dark. Fuck that. I want a phalanx of hot chicks tending to my grave. Hot chicks with big tits dressed like Barbarella.

  176. godshatmyipod Says:

    Just passing through, but here’s the first 5 telly things that popped into me head;

    1) Anything with Vernon Kay or his halfwit wife in it
    2) Anything with Eamonn Holmes in it
    3) Anything with James Corden & Matthew Horne in it, including the one that hasn’t started yet
    4) Anything with Jonathan Ross in it
    5) Anything with Jon Snow in it

    I’d happily evacuate my bowels over any of them, apart from Corden, who probably likes that sort of thing.

  177. Napoleon Says:

    I saw an advert for that Horden and Corne programme last night. The fat one’s fat wobbling stomach put me off my dinner.

  178. Sue De Nymh Says:

    Dirty Sanchez.
    Chris Moyles.
    Nick Grimshaw.
    T4 Presenters.
    Saturday Night Takeaway.
    Celebrities Dancing/Skating/Singing/Not doing their day job.
    Endless repeats of Friends on E4 (“The Friends Channel”)
    The blank ‘Russia Today’ channel that’s just appeared on my freeview box.
    Cheryl Cole.
    Simon Cowell related programmery.
    Comedies featuring Stephen Mangan.
    Sheridan Smith.

  179. Swineshead Says:

    I quite like Stephen Mangan (though green Wing is rubbish)

  180. Sue De Nymh Says:

    I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, but then he blew it with those horrendous Barclaycard adverts…

  181. Dave Says:

    ‘And he’d do nothing but wank up the side of my tomb the moment it got dark.’

    It’s called ectoplasm and I’d only do it because I cared.

  182. Dave Says:

    Oh, and the bizarre sexual tension that’s forming between presenters Charlie Stayt and Susanna (with ‘getting up’ for) Reid on BBC breakfast show Breakfast can go RIGHT into Room 101. Either they get it out of their system or one of them leave.

  183. Napoleon Says:

    Which one’s Suzannah? The cracking little blonde one, or the one with black hair?

  184. Dave Says:

    The one with black hair.

  185. Napoleon Says:

    I like the little blonde one. I wouldn’t mind pulling down ‘er knickers and sticking my …

    … hang on, Swineshead’s on the phone …

    … ahem. I don’t like shows about decorating.

  186. ugeine Says:

    I’m going to say continuity announcers on Dave again, as they irritate the piss out of me.

  187. Swineshead Says:

    I didn’t get that gag, Nappers…

    The brunette on Breakfast is a cut above.

  188. Nick T Says:

    That’s Ian Lee and that skinny bloke from The Office Ug

    Tonight I shal be watching A Clockwork Orange for the first time.

  189. Napoleon Says:


  190. Clarry Says:

    My top 5 worst telly related crimes:

    1) Pie in the Sky and big fat Pie in the Sky man Richard Griffiths. Ugh!
    2) Green Green Grass (I know someone already said this)
    3) Songs of Praise and Aled bloody Jones (equals last dregs of weekend and signifies time to iron shirts and make packed lunches)
    4) Josie Lawrence (this may be the death knell for ‘Stenders as far as i’m concerned)
    5) Anything sci-fi

    P.S. In bog trotter debate, how come Indy is allowed to be Anne Robinson and slag off the Welsh? I’s Welsh, so unless it was a joke stick ‘im on the list!

    P.P.S. Lead balloon IS funny (if you ignore au pair) – I liked the one where they had the landrover with the broken window and they were holding their breaths at the crossing and the fat family saw them (not very well explained).

  191. Nick T Says:

    Look, people surfing. Very calming….

  192. vones Says:

    The majority of BBC 3 – A channel that passed up on Adam Buxton’s show and went with more Corden /Horne SHITE.

    The Cobra Beer Dave idents. CUNTSCUNTSCUNTS.

    E4’s self conciously yoof presentation.

    Janet Street Porter.

    That fucking show where crap halfwit walking cocks with haircuts and guitars and so sense of music whatsoever are judged by dead eyed failures of humanity. Something like ‘Unsigned’ or some bollocks.

  193. Nick T Says:

    WKD ads

  194. Clarry Says:

    Nap – Did you use yourself as a model for the illustration above? If so you really ought to see a doc about your turds.

  195. Nick T Says:

    I person surfing now….not much of a swell is there?

  196. Nick T Says:

    Wow, he caught a wave!

  197. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – I thought I’d give a shitting arse and a door a go without first consulting real life. Plus, I can’t draw my own arse from that angle unless I use a mirror. And, weirdly, I can never see myself when I look in a mirror. Don’t know what that’s all about …

  198. Mel Says:

    Hello, i go away to the dentist (again) for a couple of hours and when i get back you lot are all doing some weird in joke for a bit. Luckily, the sensible people turned up, and made it about telly again.

    What is this Just Coming nonsense?

    Oh, and i forgot BBLB/ears/nose/willy or whatever. It is bad enough that we have this on for longer and longer periods of time each year (well, you lot do anyway, they canceled the Dutch one ages ago) but i think making up tenuous related shows/ radio etc is a step too far. They will be coming up with a partwork or similar for it soon.

  199. Mel Says:

    Nappers – are you a vampire?

  200. Excelsior! Says:

    Anything ANYTHING remotely related to that BASTARD George Lamb.

  201. godshatmyipod Says:

    Oh, and that fat headed bastard Adrian Chiles. I have to set several alarms to make sure the telly isn’t on BBC1 at seven of an evening, as I spontaneously vomit every time I see him. The fatheaded racialist.

    Mebbe I should join the studio audience and see if I can spray him with vomit live on the telly.

  202. Mel Says:

    GSMIpod – what did Jon Snow ever do to you?

  203. Clarry Says:

    SOoo about my telly choices…?

    And Wales?

    And Lead Balloon?

  204. Swineshead Says:


  205. Mel Says:

    Your choices were noble Clarry, especially that one with the crapulent Greener Grass or whatever it is called.

  206. godshatmyipod Says:

    Jon Snow is an opinionated bastard who seems to have forgotten that the main thrust of news reporting should be, um, reporting the news.

    Instead he foists his lily-livered, left of centre, namby pamby liberal opinions anyone foolish enough to tune in. If it was called “Channel 4 Opinion”, I wouldn’t care.

    Oh, and his ties are a crime against humanity. I’m thinking about organising a hit team of commandos to seize and wheech him off to the Hague for trial.

  207. Nick T Says:

    I’m watching last nights Master Chef. I accidentaly saw who won, some internet page.

  208. Excelsior! Says:

    Sci-Fi is mostly contemptable drivel, but you do get occasional gems like Battlestar Galactica.

  209. Mel Says:

    He is far better than Paxo or Humphrys. I’ll give you the ties, but that just makes me think of him like a well informed uncle.

  210. godshatmyipod Says:

    Being a lesser spotted shit doesn’t make you any less of a shit. Ask fatheaded racialist Adrian Chiles.

  211. Nick T Says:

    *fucks off home*

  212. Napoleon Says:

    This is why Bono is a twat:

    Chris Evans: Hello, Adam!
    Adam Clayton: Hello!
    Chris Evans: Hello, The Edge!
    The Edge: Hello!
    Chris Evans: Hello, Bono!
    Bono: One.

    Oh, how fucking enigmatic of you, you TWAT.

  213. ugeine Says:

    Good call on the Cobra Beer adverts, Vones. I want to chase down those tediously unwitty bastards with a kitchen knife.

  214. Swineshead Says:

    Why is Adrian Chiles supposedly racist, godshatetc…?

    Or are you being hilariously funny?

  215. Napoleon Says:

    Fuck me! The missus is eating roll-mop herrings in my living room. It STINKS in her now. STINKS!

  216. Napoleon Says:

    ‘Here’, not ‘her’.

  217. Swineshead Says:

    Freudian slip there…

  218. ugeine Says:


  219. Nick of the T Says:

    Naps, I just couldn’t listen to that Chris Evans shit on my way home, I thought I would do a little sick

  220. greenlung Says:

    1. Not Going Out – Get some acting lessons and a joke.
    2. Being Human – The writer’s lost the plot, so have we.
    3. Top Gear – Fossil fuel’s for fools
    4. Masterchef / Ramsay – Food as a fucking spectator sport
    5. Pushing Daisies – Stuff the piemaker and his orange tarts

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