Shockwaves NME Awards 2009

by

If it was the Brits last week, it must be The Brats tonight, right? ‘The Brats’ being the name they used to call the NME Awards before they became so similar that the differentiation seemed a bit silly. They’d be better off calling it the NME Smash Hits Poll Winners’ Party, what with the awards having silly bozo-names like ‘Best Dancefloor Filler’. I sat through this one making notes, as I did with The Brits, in the name of balance. Here are my real-time mitherings.

First up, our hosts. Mark Watson is an affable comedian and will be hosting on the grown up stage. Taking care of the Fearne Cotton, backstage side of things, strictly for telly, is that bloke who did Big Brother’s Little Brother – the one with the self-consciously irritating hair. Jack Whitehall

No?

Anyone?

Admittedly, I had to google him hard to get the name.

Is it possible for a person to have a ‘hateful face’? You hear the term bandied about a fair bit, and it seems to be a little unfair. You should judge someone on their actions and not the way their facial protrusions are arranged, no matter how runtish their upturned nose makes them seem and no matter how weak their chin. But if they top their noggin with an annoying, Mr Whippy, latterday-indie construction, the face beneath is always going to come off badly. Anyway – Jack Whitehall isn’t very good at his job.

In an echo of days gone by, Steve Lamacq is employed to take care of the voiceovers while Watson helms the stage, with jokes slagging off Johnny Borrell. It seems slightly hypocritical of the NME to have passed those gags, what with it being about 63% their fault that Razorlight got to the stage where they could release Slipway Fires on an unsuspecting audience unchallenged.

Grace Jones arrives to present Best Live Act! So we’ve kicked off, and the first award goes to the band which is considered best at grinding out music which is too bloody noisy and badly mixed whilst in front of a room full of teenage idiots, all of whom are clambering over each other to look the coolest, dropping beer in each others’ faces and singing along with the lines of the songs, obscuring the music in the process and allowing themselves to believe that they gain some measure of kudos from memorising badly-rendered poetry. Yay!

Muse beat Kings of Leon, Oasis, Radiohead and Killers. Their drummer accepts the award, which is the coward’s way out.

‘Still to come’ says Steve Lamacq – and some adverts come on.

Next up – Best DVD. This one throws me. Best DVD isn’t very rock n roll, is it? All the live DVDs I’ve seen have only ever served to demonstrate that gigs aren’t the revolutionary gatherings of energy they’re made out to be and shows them in the more realistic light of artists deluding themselves they’re gods while an audience deludes itself that it’s having fun.

Arctic Monkeys beat Foo Fighters, Kaiser Chiefs, Rolling Stones and Muse. Dean Learner accepts the award.

Here are the Skins – those children from the kid’s drama serial (for infants). The one that shouldn’t be watched by adults because it’s for kids. They’re here to present the Best New Band award. Up for the award are tedious Sting-thieves, Vampire Weekend, those Jesus & Mary Chains for losers, Glasvegas, the criminally insane Late of the Pier, offspring of the Flaming Lips – MGMT and a band called White Lies who I’ve never heard of.

MGMT win, predictably enough, and their self-consciously kooky acceptance speech (‘it’s a jelly spider!’) doesn’t do much for me.

Presumably it’s not fashionable to refer to ‘singles’ any more, what with iTunes and the internets, so they appear to have replaced that category with ‘Dancefloor Filler’. It’s a silly name for an award for two reasons. Firstly, indie people can’t dance and, secondly, it precludes any release that has a slow tempo. It suggests frenetic indie pop, so anything vaguely leftfield or undanceable gets left on the sidelines like a fat kid at football.

Beating Crystal Castles, Friendly Fires, Bloc Party and Late of the Pier, Dizzee Rascal wins for the witless dirge he made with Calvin Harris that has the cheapest video in the history of hip hop.

Let’s have some music to cheer us up!

La Roux (me neither) and Franz Ferdinand pile onstage to kick the living shit out of Blondie’s Call Me. Jaime Winstone is dancing! Ooooh, I wanna dance with Jaime Winstone! Alex Kapranos does a grand job of flattening the entire vocal melody but blood isn’t truly drawn from the flailing carcass of the tune until La Roux pitches in with a whine last heard in a slaughterhouse. They create the second worst cover version of all time. Lucky for us, the first worst comes later on in the evening. At least Estelle and the Tings had the courtest to murder their own tunes at The Brits…

Best Album Award now – with everyone’s least favourite comedian Keith Lemon, presenter of ITV2’s woeful Celebrity Juice, actively molesting Alexa Chung as they present. Kings of Leon beat The Dancers, Glasvegas, Oasis and Bloc Party, with a recorded speech which appears to tell everyone in the audience that they hate them. Possibly the only rock n roll moment of the evening.

Friendly Fires play a song. It’s the first time I’ve seen this lot, and there won’t be a second. There are some terrible dance moves over a tune that sounds like, and forgive me for putting the idea in your mind, U2 crossed with The Klaxons, and then some Brazilian dancers come on for a booty-shake. This momentarily makes notions of suicide drift away with an idea clearly nicked off Basement Jaxx. Fill the stage with bright colours and dancing, and you might get away with it.

Best British Band! Kasabian present. The singer asks if everyone there is ‘c*nted’ – which I think is a bit rude. Cut to a shot of Muse who are visibly not c*nted, but might be very slightly stoned on crap hash. Oasis beat some other bands who have already appeared in other categories (it all begins to blur). The crowd begins to boo. It overwhelms Mark Watson. Strange, I think, that a band who kept the paper afloat whilst the (superior) likes of Melody Maker and Select magazine folded are now being booed by the crowd. The acceptance speech is amusing, pairing up Russell Brand and Gallagher, N for the first time since the former was rude on an old man’s phone.

It’s never going to end.

The child who partners Steve Coogan on Saxondale comes onstage with Steve Lamcq and they give the Outstanding Contribution award to Elbow, which seems startlingly pre-emptive. Are they writing them off the minute they hit their peak? That’s the NME all over, is that.

Best TV Show? Eh? This is a music paper!

Here’s Charlie Brooker, aka Preacherman, offering out a sitcom award at a music award show – which seems idiosyncratic to say the least. But then, when you think about it, indie kids generally spend their days sitting around at home recording sitcoms. I know I did.

Brooker says the word ‘c*nt’ and smashes the status quo. Boosh win.

We’re nearly there. Don’t fall asleep, because… …it’s time for the Worst Cover Version of All Time (see video link at the top of the age). Florence and the Who? work in unison with humourless Scotch combo Glasvegas to trample Elvis’s decomposing spine with a one chord rendering of Suspicious Minds. What results is so laughably awful, it looks like a sexual assault blooper. The Glasvegas singer begins to grope Florence with his face and soon, to distract from the musical mess they’ve made, they are hitting each other and running offstage.

We limp on to Best International Act, if anyone cares, and Killers win. Last Shadow Puppets win Best Video. The audience are now so drunk they don’t understand what’s happening and are talking amongst themselves. ‘Why are Girls Aloud here?’ they appear to be asking, quite reasonably.

Now for the promised big moment – Graham and Damon Blur reform to do a song together. With the best will in the world – it sounds a bloody mess. Albarn’s use of an out-of-tune foghorn-organ was possibly a mistake, as the one note he issues throughout three quarters of the song drowns Coxon’s guitar in a farty wash. A missed opportunity, perhaps.

Solo Artist – Pete Doherty. A token award, one feels, seeing as the man hasn’t released any solo material yet. Bridge-building from the kid from Saxondale, who clearly realises Petie D makes covers and sells papers.

At least we end on something of a high, with The Cure getting some late recognition. They play the oldies after receiving an award from Tim Burton and the audience, all far too good-looking and well-dressed to be what used to be the indie I knew, dance along.

Except, you can’t actually dance to indie. Its structure simply doesn’t allow it. They simply do that thing where you jiggle from side to side, pulling a poseur face and faking the sensation of being taken over by music. The credits roll as we watch people trying to dance to indie, safe in the knowledge that indie is best listened to on a walkman, uncelebrated at industry bashes, away from fashion victims and sponsored awards ceremonies. I’m not in love with the modern world.

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191 Responses to “Shockwaves NME Awards 2009”

  1. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Sounds like a horrible experience and I’d expect nothing less from The ‘arsehole’s choice’ NME.

    Oh, and The Cure’s new single is terrible – singing the same song repeatedly with slightly different lyrics can’t be that hard, surely?

  2. Nick T Says:

    It just sounds too dreadful for words, lucky you found some.
    I’m suprised Mistress LA La or whatever she’s called, didn’t win an award.
    Pete Doughy has as much talent as a teaspoon. To quote the great Nappers “it’s all cheese and onion” or somthing……

  3. breeks Says:

    wwm again does the watching for me so i don’t have to.

    i, instead, watched ‘stardust’ on sky movies. i almost enjoyed it, too. age, it’s a terrible thing on a sunday night. at one point i found myself actually smiling at the blancmange-faced ‘hero’ whilst spooning soft, flavoured yoghurt into my gaping maw.

    christ.

    hello.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    I watched Timecrimes last night. It’s ace. Truly ace.

    And Spanish.

  5. vones Says:

    Swines really does put himself through some terrible programming for us. I’d imagine if he does it enough he’ll go a bit wrong and fancy himself as Internet TV Jesus.

    When I was a teenager I always thought the NME was unknowably cool until I read it and found it was a big ol’ pile of wank.

    I watched ‘The Foot Fist Way’ I recommend it.

  6. Swineshead Says:

    Have you watched the Glasvegas link yet?

  7. Nick T Says:

    Yes SH, it’s very funny. EWxtend my teaspoon description to them also, but a plastic one.

  8. Nick T Says:

    I wonder if it has adoring comments, but not enough to look. It’s tragic.

  9. ugeine Says:

    Charlie Brooker? He’s about as well known in indie circles as Howden’s Joinery.

  10. Hemmerfru Says:

    I’ve just watched it. In my considered opinion, it was as pleasant as bathing in liquid shit and razorblades.

    On the other hand, here’s how to do your awards show duet cover. For the win.

  11. Swineshead Says:

    Come off it, Ugeine – he’s their godhead.

  12. Swineshead Says:

    Hemmerfru – good link. I agree.

    You should stop bathing in poo and blades though, whether it gives you a solid grounding for making withering comparisons or not.

  13. breeks Says:

    the brooker’s column in the weekend’s guardian guide had barely a whisper of vitriol and bile-flavoured hate. it was a bit disappointing but also a bit ‘aw’.

    i can’t remember what he was writing about, mind.

  14. Hemmerfru Says:

    I should, but though vile it keeps the skin soft, helps plump out unsightly lines around the eyes and increases my eyelash volume*.

    I haven’t read the NME since the 90s. Is it still little better than the Beano?

    *Enhanced in post-production.

  15. Swineshead Says:

    I try not to talk about Brooker, for obvious reasons.

    Hemmerfru – the NME is now a ringtone advertising pamphlet – best avoided…

  16. breeks Says:

    sh – i don’t know what they are.

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  18. Excelsior! Says:

    White Lies are the From Concentrate version of Eco & the Bunnymen.

  19. catherinegee Says:

    Missed it but thank you much for that. I enjoyed it regardless.

  20. DIY Projects » Blog Archive » News » Blog Archive » Joe Finkle and the 710 Splits Says:

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  21. Swineshead Says:

    You’re welcome.

  22. Nick T Says:

    *lurkes*

  23. ugeine Says:

    SH: In all my years of indie studentism, I never once heard anybody mention his name. Something might have changed in the last year or so, mind. As far as television goes most of them would jump at the chance to fellate Noel Fielding, but that’s about it.

  24. Swineshead Says:

    Maybe it harks back to my own student days a decade ago… his audience is probably in their 30s now, as I am… scary thought…

  25. godshatmyipod Says:

    I am quietly convinced that the music industry is actually run by people who really hate music and are trying to slowly kill it by only allowing people with an equal hatred of music to either;

    make music,
    write about music,
    talk about music

    It’s the only thing that can explain the godawful indie mewlings, misogynist one note hippity hop and diabolical singer songwriter whines that pass for music.

    Why else would the NME, Mojo, Word and Q magazines all exist, except to kill music.

  26. breeks Says:

    has anyone read john niven’s ‘kill your friends’?

  27. Nick T Says:

    Most decent music types are side stepping the “industry” and doing it themselves.

  28. vones Says:

    @breeks Yes. Awesome.

  29. Napoleon Says:

    You couldn’t make it up!

  30. breeks Says:

    nick – depends what you want out of it, too, though. am involved with a band with a distribution deal in the uk through a major label which means nothing in terms of gigs, money, but mostly that the album and singles are at least distributed to major shops and have some pr basis. band also has a deal with a major in couple countries abroad where the extra money spent on PR and plugging is already making a difference in terms of pre-release radio and video coverage.

    band, however, maintain fairly complete control over choice of producers, studios, songs, singles, etc. recording only this weekend in timber st studios. constant battle, tho’, against industry perception of what band should look like, age of band members, who to play with, etc, and label aren’t that happy with current self-releasing happening on the side.

    cuts both ways, music, yeah. like a knife. someone should write a song about it.

    re: ‘kill your friends’ – i read some parts through my fingers. horrid but compulsive.

  31. breeks Says:

    nick t – depends what you want out of it, really. and ‘decent music types’ is a loaded description.

  32. Nick T Says:

    breeks, I wan’t money not fame. Focusing on publishing. Too old for NME.

  33. Napoleon Says:

    I’d prefer money over fame. If I had, like, all loads of money, I’d take out a contract on Dave and have him killed up. The feckless little bastard.

  34. breeks Says:

    best get a publishing and licencing tho. they’re best in pairs, yes.

  35. Mel Says:

    SH – what are these obvious reasons of not mentioning that certain person?

    Thanks for the review. Glad i missed this one again. I cannot be arsed to look at the link, because i cannot stand glasvegas, but is the cover worse the murdering of “popular” “musical” theatre numbers as perpetrated by the BBC news readers at charity gala TV days?

    Breeks, I haven’t read it, is it good? I am beginning to think that you are either in the employ of the PR agency pushing it, or you have secret murderous plans for your mates.

  36. Nick T Says:

    I agree breeks.
    Wanna song?
    http://www.reverbnation.com/tunepak/1166867

  37. breeks Says:

    mel – no. i am still shocked by some of the horrors in it and also i recognise at least two people i know in Real Life.

    nick – ha. busy enough with the band i help out thanks, but g’luck!

  38. Mel Says:

    Nappers, I am sure you would think of much better ways to spend your cash. Such as on random meat packages to send to strangers off the internets. Did you find out who purchased yours?

  39. badgermadge Says:

    i’m going to do my damndest this week to say something astounding enough to get a mention on the mailout.

  40. Swineshead Says:

    Mel – I just can’t be arsed.

    Dave’s got a new blog, I notice.

  41. Nick T Says:

    My tongue was in me cheek breeks, thanks for the luck chuck…

  42. Swineshead Says:

    Badger – I think you just did it.

  43. Mel Says:

    Breeks are these two people now murdered? Or is he still plotting their demise?

  44. Napoleon Says:

    That book of Breeks’s sounds rubbish. Mind you, mine’s no better. I’m reading one where this bloke goes to New York to rescue his daughter who’s being beaten up by this gangster fella. It’s possibly the shittest book I’ve ever read.

  45. Hemmerfru Says:

    Breeks – how did your band wangle that? My lot are attempting to tilt at something similar, but frankly have less than bugger all idea about how to go about it.

  46. Mel Says:

    Nappers – stop reading it then. It will be time spent that you will never get back. I have learned this the hard way

    *shakes fist at Ian McEwan*

  47. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – It’s still a mystery, I’m afraid. I had that chateaubriand stuff the other day. Fuck me but that’s a nice bit o’ meat.

  48. ugeine Says:

    last I checked, the modern NME godhead was Petey D. Try inferring he’s not as good as he’s made out to be in front of Libertines fans, you might as well jab their mother in the eye with a biro.

    And here he is with another award. NME’s answer to Robbie Williams.

  49. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – I might stop reading it. I’ve this one about the SAS I found in a charity shop that looks good (an explosion on the front cover, no less). I might read that instead.

  50. Napoleon Says:

    I saw him singing a Chas ‘n’ Dave song with Chas ‘n’ Dave once. He came across as a bit of an arsehole.

  51. ugeine Says:

    Talentless tabloid courting junkie scumbag.

  52. breeks Says:

    hemmerfru – blood and sweat and a few blow jobs, mostly.

  53. Nick T Says:

    I found out that composers get around 15% if they’re lucky.
    Ok if you sell millions, otherwise.

  54. breeks Says:

    money’s in pop, nick. write a good pop song.

  55. Napoleon Says:

    You could write a pop song about a little dog, Nick. A little dog shitting up a wall. With cancer. In his arsehole.

  56. Nick T Says:

    This is a good pop song honest http://www.reverbnation.com/tunepak/1166867

  57. myopiniononstuff Says:

    If I had money I’d pay somebody to carve a scented soap statue of me and Perry embracing. A 6ft one, and I’d bathe with it.

  58. badgermadge Says:

    what’s wrong with ian mcewan? can’t be arsed to read it all…

  59. breeks Says:

    i am at work. i’m working. i’m SAVING LIVES.

    (will listen tonight at home)

  60. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – You’re a disgrace. I don’t want to be made out of soap having a bath with you. I dread to bloody think what you look like in the nude, but I’ll wager it’s a ghastly sight. I’d end up being sick.

  61. ugeine Says:

    Dave made me do a little snot bubble of mirth there.

  62. Who Says:

    I’ll do your carving Dave, I’m bored today. Any particular soap – colour/scent?

  63. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I reckon Perry’s a white musk kind of fella…and you could place four gently touching patchouli bath bombs in there too (for testicles).

  64. breeks Says:

    i know someone who works for lush. i could ask if she could meet dave/naps and kind of get an idea of their ‘essence’…

    *nausea*

    …and come up with some kind of product as a result.

  65. Hemmerfru Says:

    Breeks – Blow jobs? If only one of us could dislocate his jaw like a python…

    Bring back Top of the Pops, I say. Actually, maybe not: when I was little, I used to think I could smell Yazz through the screen when ‘The Only Way Is Up’ was on. Who knows what psychological olfactory damage today’s poplettes could do?

  66. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – That’s a bit weird. White musk is my favourite smell to come off of a woman. Lovely stuff. I don’t want to be made out of it though. Or have a bath with you. You flabby sack of milk.

  67. Who Says:

    I was going to squash together some old Imperial Leather for you Dave, and a nice soft pink Camay, for NC’s peachy buttocks.

    *vomits*

  68. Napoleon Says:

    My missus is all ill today, like. She’s been backwards and forwards to the bog all day, throwing up. Here, I hope she’s not up the bloody duff.

  69. breeks Says:

    white musk – the smell of teenage girls.

    paedo.

  70. myopiniononstuff Says:

    NC -I’ve been through your bins.

    AND WHY DOES GOOGLE THINK I GIVE A FUCKITY FUCK ABOUT DR SEUSS AND HIS BASTARD BIRTHDAY?

  71. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – My missus wears it and she’s 29. Do I still qualify as a paedo? I’m 34, like.

  72. breeks Says:

    yeah, my boyfriend likes it too. he’s also 34.

  73. Nick T Says:

    You’ll like it breeks, I’m betting my pension on it.

    (not)

  74. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I’m eating a Scotch pasty right now. Halfway through and still no sign of anything but thick puff pastry and air.

  75. Napoleon Says:

    Any meat yet?

  76. myopiniononstuff Says:

    If a gelatinous blob harbouring a tiny cube of carrot and half a pea constitutes as meat, yes. It’s like something Sweeney Todd would craft from Paris Hilton.

  77. Napoleon Says:

    Sounds vile, Dave. Mind you, I’ve no room to talk. I had sandwiches with that Bernard Matthews Frankenstein Turkey Ham stuff in it. You have to wonder what St. Bernard does to a turkey to make it look and taste like ham.

  78. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I like the sliced sheets of teady bear face.

  79. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Teddy, I mean. Almost sent off a cover letter before with imputing rather than inputting – I’ll be a valuable asset to any company daft enough to employ me.

  80. indy Says:

    …just realised that i’m my taste in music is very nme…

    *puts shotgun in mouth*

  81. Napoleon Says:

    In my day, all the NME did was lick Morrissey’s arse.

  82. breeks Says:

    nme is only good if you’ve an album or single to put out and your label has coughed up enough for a good plugger who is mates with the editor’s girlfriend’s cousin.

    for example.

    and then the review bite is abused endlessly on promo material.

    dull.

  83. indy Says:

    np: hasn’t changed very much, has it? except for his infamous interview a couple of years ago.

  84. Napoleon Says:

    When he turned out to be a racist? Was he racist, or was he sexist? I can’t remember now.

  85. myopiniononstuff Says:

    NEW musical express it is not. I can’t remember the last time I saw a copy with a daft, hermaphrodite lookin’ Gallagher brother on the cover.

    Although I did stumble into a secret NME bash in Manchester a few months back – all the bands were shit but I’ll forever say it was a good evening.

  86. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I’ve never understood the lyric in ‘Irish Blood, English Heart’ about him spitting on Oliver Cromwell and denouncing the Royal line as well. What’s he whining about there then?

  87. ugeine Says:

    Who gives a fuck what the moody square chinned twunt is moaning about these days?

  88. Napoleon Says:

    Morrissey fans?

  89. breeks Says:

    could have a pointless lyric-off between morrisey and razorlight.

    ‘And you have never been in love,
    Until you’ve seen the dawn rise’

    VS

    ‘and now your sheets are firty
    and the streets are dirty too’

    fucksake.

    suggestions?

  90. breeks Says:

    ha. firty sheets.

    DIRTY sheets.

    tis shit either way, yeah.

  91. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I’d like to hear Morrissey sing a cover of Lady GaGa’s Pokerface.

  92. Swineshead Says:

    I like Pete Doherty. For what it’s worth.

  93. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Are The Libertines coming back, Swineshead? Oh, tell thee it’s so.

  94. ugeine Says:

    Karl Barat rejected the chance to concentrate on acting, I think.

  95. Napoleon Says:

    Cocks?

  96. ugeine Says:

    Nick Cave wrote most of his best stuff on smack. Pete can’t even be arsed to turn up to gigs.

  97. myopiniononstuff Says:

    If I halved a baked potato and grilled it would it still be a baked potato or something other? Similarly, if I sewed a cat to a pigeon and force fed them anti-rejection pills until they became one would they be classed as an entirely new breed of animal?

    These things matter to me more than Swineshead’s snubbing.

  98. Mel Says:

    Yes NC, i agree. Karl Barat and Pete Doherty are oth cocks (YMMV, IANAL etc)

  99. ugeine Says:

    Dave, you are aware that other people can read what you type, aren’t you?

  100. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Yes, Ugeine, but internet people not real people. If you were real people I’d be sat at my PC right now wearing a suit. I’m naked.

  101. ugeine Says:

    Well, take extra care with the potato grilling then.

  102. Napoleon Says:

    *throws up lunch*

  103. indy Says:

    the libertines second album is one of three albums made in the 00’ies i’ve learnt the lyrics almost by heart…

    makes it to my top ten album list. too bad pete and carl been kind of crap* after the split

    *with the exception of “shotter’s nation”

  104. myopiniononstuff Says:

    http://www.widget.ups.com/en-gb/index.html

    This bastard just popped up on my monitor without warning. I hate the idea that people choose a service based on the the business’s mascot.

  105. breeks Says:

    can we PLEASE talk about something interesting?

    thanks.

  106. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Breeks – did you know that it’s possible to shave water, providing it’s in a solid state (ice to you)? Pass that nugget of interesting to your friends and they’ll be so amazed they’ll burn you for being a witch.

  107. godshatmyipod Says:

    Has anyone ever seen that feckless little shitehole Pete Doherty and that slightly more feckless Mr Amy Winehouse in the same room?

    Or do they have shared custody of a rancid hat.

  108. myopiniononstuff Says:

    GSMI – There’s a vid on YouTube of them together talking to baby mice.

  109. breeks Says:

    thanks dave.

    i EAT shaved ice, yeah.

  110. ugeine Says:

    I didn’t rate the second Libs album, to be honest. I thought the first one was outstanding, but they didn’t seem to be able to expand on it.

  111. godshatmyipod Says:

    Baby mice? Baby mice? Are you on the same drugs like what they are?

    Perhaps we could re-enact a Wil E Coyote cartoon, with them taking Mr Coyotes place at the bottom of a cliff just as the anvil he launched with a giant rubber band comes hurtling back to Earth.

    I’ll pay for the Anvil.

  112. Napoleon Says:

    Still got my Christmas tree up …

  113. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Or we could drop failed metal band Anvil on them instead.

  114. godshatmyipod Says:

    Proper metal. I’ve still got me original copies of “Hard ‘N’ Heavy”, “Metal on Metal” and “Forged in Fire”.

    I drew the line at “Backwaxed”, which is just the wrongest name ever for a metal album. Even in Canadia.

  115. breeks Says:

    i’ve seen the mouse clip.

    i’ve seen the kitten clip.

    all my shit super8 films, which are shit, are better.

  116. breeks Says:

    exciting times.

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1156265/Radioactive-paedophile-suspect-run-skipping-court.html

  117. ugeine Says:

    GSMI, how are SOAD considered in metal these days?

  118. godshatmyipod Says:

    Is everyone on drugs today? And not the good speed shit, either. The manky Mancy stupid pills seem to have done the rounds.

  119. godshatmyipod Says:

    Ugeine;

    SOAD are regarded with the same level of distrust as ever. The world of metal doesn’t really care for Armenian jazz bands pretending to be metalheads. Not when we have can Finns dressing up as Vikings and playing the accordion.

    SOAD were one of those bands that people disliked but were too afraid to be seen as unhip to say so. Hence why words like “challenging” were used in place of the word “good”.

    Good riddance, I say. They can join the Trilby Brothers underneath the Anvil.

  120. ugeine Says:

    Fair enough.

    Are Mayhem still considered good¿

  121. Napoleon Says:

    Paedophiles have gone radioactive now, have they? They’ll be walking up primary school walls and getting in through the windows next. Is there nothing these monsters won’t do to get their dirty hands on our kids? Hanging’s too good for ’em.

  122. breeks Says:

    i must say i’m having a brilliant time reading the daily mail website. i’m only having to engage about 10% of my brain. the rest of me’s off surreptitiously drinking robitussin and gossiping about the office oddball.

    tops.

  123. godshatmyipod Says:

    Ugeine: Mayhem Pure Fuggin Armageddon!!!!!!!!!!!!!, got back to basic on “Ordo ad Chao”, which was a cracking return to their Black Metal roots after the more experimental Chimera. So experimental that guitarist Blasphemer kicked vocalist Maniac down a flight of stairs and out of the band. Tho now Blasphemer himself has left, their future must be in doubt.

    Maybe they’ll bring back suicide vocalist Dead, murdered vocalist Euronymous and incarcerated bass player player Count Grishnackh back for a reunion tour.

    Nappers: you dirty Northern skunkhead.

  124. breeks Says:

    enjoy.

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1158324/Ouch-Dancing-On-Ices-Donal-MacIntyre-wars-reveals-horrific-bruise.html

  125. Nick T Says:

    breeks fwoar!

  126. Napoleon Says:

    You grotesque fucking pig! Fuck you! I hope you have a stroke, Mr. H – a STROKE!

  127. godshatmyipod Says:

    Cheers Nappers. May I wish be the first to wish you a very merry Jademas – http://snipurl.com/cxoh6 – at least you’ve still got the tree up, you mardy Northern cokewit.

  128. Napoleon Says:

    Stick your Jademas up your arse, you fat bastard!

  129. indy Says:

    godshatmyipod: soad is absolutely rubbish. instrumental wankers. and their “scary” looks. give my five decent soad fans (in a pile-up) and i’ll spare them from my norse wrath.

  130. indy Says:

    sh: “Wind it up Rob, We’ll Dance”

    that was an example of the worst aspects of facebook. recently i’ve been tagged in x “album covers” and i go bale every single time.

    “it’s f*ckin’ distraaaactin’!!!”

  131. ugeine Says:

    System of a Down could collectively vomit in a dustbin and it’d still sound better then that second libertines album.

  132. Swineshead Says:

    indy – I agree. was very bored.

    Heavy metal is not very interesting.

  133. indy Says:

    ugeine: good. at least we agree that system of a down should be put in a dustbin of womit.

  134. Napoleon Says:

    Nothing is, unless you’re interested in it.

  135. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Swineshead likes AFI, AAR and AAF.

  136. godshatmyipod Says:

    Nappers – you won’t be saying that when a bunch of carolling racialists gather outside your door to sing “The Sash” before burning your house down.

    Indy – I don’t have my flying monkey translators with me today, but if you’re saying SOAD were shite, then you have my vote. However, you might want to cut back on your drug intake, or you’ll end up a Jademas worshipping mank like Nappy.

  137. Swineshead Says:

    Good point Nappers.

    myopiniononstuff (or dave, as you shall henceforth be known by me) – I don’t understand any of those initials.

  138. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Swineshead – you also like AIR, ALF the Jewish alien and the IRA.

  139. indy Says:

    godshatmyipod: soad are shite.

  140. Napoleon Says:

    I didn’t know Swineshead was in the IRA. How’s the campaign coming along?

  141. myopiniononstuff Says:

    System of a Down arten’t that bad – come on! I lost twenty pounds worth of posters and a dragon pendant I was never going to wear thanks to a very large circle pit they caused at Leeds.

  142. indy Says:

    one reason for hating soad is that their “fans” always turn pop/rock clubs into violent moshpits whenever their songs are played. never happens when the dj puts on any smiths, supergrass or black kids songs.

  143. Napoleon Says:

    I can’t remember anything they’ve done. Can you not hear the words? Or is it all noise? If it’s either of those, I’m not interested.

  144. Nick T Says:

    What are these words?

    SOAD IRA AFI

    WTF?

  145. ugeine Says:

    I’ve been in a zutonspit.

  146. myopiniononstuff Says:

    That’s because the shits are all lying, wrists open, in a pool of their own blood.

  147. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Nick T – If you don’t know, you don’t know. It’s fun to be elitest about over-exposed, mainstream rock bands.

  148. godshatmyipod Says:

    indy: “smiths, supergrass or black kids songs”

    Are you trying to say that David Morrisey is a racialist? Granted he comes from Knotty Ash, but being a lairy Scouse git who can’t sing for toffee is no reason to go down the racialist road.

  149. myopiniononstuff Says:

    ‘You are the girl that I’ve been dreaming of ever since I was a little…girl…’

    VS

    ‘I am electro girl, I am electro boy’

    Bloody students…

  150. Napoleon Says:

    I liked them little Musical Youth fellas. You don’t hear much of Musical Youth nowadays, do you?

  151. Napoleon Says:

    Absolute Classic Rock has done its usual weird thing again. Whenever it plays Wish You Were Here, it interrupts the song about two seconds in with a snippet of something else. Usually it’s Guns N’ Roses, but today it was a wee bit of Kashmir. No idea why this happens.

  152. godshatmyipod Says:

    Didn’t Musical Youth all turn out be drug dealing criminals. I believe the vernacular is Yardies or Cardies, summat like that. I vaguely recall that Val Doonican had something to do with passing the dutchie or some such nonsense, but as we don’t have any Blacks or Irish up here, I’m not too sure.

  153. indy Says:

    myopiniononstuff: he, she, girl, boy…

    it’s the oldest trick in the book, isn’t it. works for me though.

  154. Excelsior! Says:

    Uncut gave the new U2 album 4 stars. I shall have to reconsider my magazine buying habits.

  155. godshatmyipod Says:

    You don’t want to be listening to that.

    You want to be listening to this – http://getreadytorockradio.com/

  156. Napoleon Says:

    I didn’t know they all turned out to be drug dealers. That’s put me off them. I like those nice Wilson Phillips ladies now instead. You don’t hear much of Wilson Phillips these days, do you?

  157. godshatmyipod Says:

    U2 B shite. Always were, always will be. Is Sir Bono back to being a midget, or is he still wearing the built up shoes?

  158. Excelsior! Says:

    I think its an established fact that Bono is a twunt regardless of what hight hes at.

    In terms of internet radio i always likes Planet Rock, featuring jingles along the lines of “Paper, scissors – Rock ALWAYS wins”.

  159. godshatmyipod Says:

    I believe that one of the members of Wilson Phillips ate the other two, before getting liposuction and appearing in Playboy. If memory serves, however, the temptation of all those large breasts spurred her into a Playmate eating frenzy and she got fat again.

    http://www.hogrockcafe.com/carnie_wilson.htm

  160. Excelsior! Says:

    height nach.

  161. Napoleon Says:

    I gave up on Planet Rock. There’s only so many times I’m prepared to listen to Comfortably Numb.

  162. indy Says:

    godshatmyipod: thanks mate. i clicked on that link by mistake and now i’ll get fired. note to self: never click on any link again. where is the wwm nanny filter?

  163. breeks Says:

    i used to like that wilson phillips song.

    it said a lot of words, fast. that’s always a winner with me.

    somedaysomebody’sgonnaturnaroundandsaygoodbye
    tillthenbabyareyougonnaletthemputyoudownandmakeyoucry
    dontyouknowdontyouknow
    thingsllchange
    thingsllgoyourway
    ifyouhooooooooooooldon
    foronemoreday

    etc.

    tops.

  164. Napoleon Says:

    Hmm. Well that’s Wilson Phillips out. Are there any whores, drug dealers, paedophiles, murderers or cannibals in The Flying Pickets?

  165. indy Says:

    np: well, i guess it’s ‘only you’

  166. breeks Says:

    henry rollins is always good for a laugh.

    i quite fancy him.

    i would, in fact.

  167. godshatmyipod Says:

    indy – that’s what happens when you like racialist music. The sacking was only a matter of time, and probably well overdue, what with all the drugs you’ve been taking.

    Fortunately, we have an unemployable Irish cartoonist in our midst, who will be happy to advise you on filling in the long empty days that are ahead.

  168. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t think looking at tits should be a sacking offence. If I was your employer, Indy, you could fill your boots with as many knockers as you liked until the firm went under.

  169. indy Says:

    henry rollins disqualify for being a loud american. not very funny but extremely noisy.

  170. indy Says:

    np: so, when do i start?

  171. godshatmyipod Says:

    Nappers – the Flying Pickets comprised 1 whore, 1 drug dealer, 1 paedophile, 1 murderer and 1 cannibal. They were put together that way. A bit like Steps.

    I also thought that the words “Playboy”, “Playmates” and “big tits here” would have been a clue to the page content.

  172. Napoleon Says:

    Mr. H – I’m not fucking Irish and I have a job*!

    *Sort of.

  173. godshatmyipod Says:

    Did I mention you by name? Eh, eh? I don’t think so. But you were very quick to leap in there and deny it. Seems to me like you’ve something to hide. Perhaps Irishness and a high unemployability quotient? How do you like them onions, eh?

    Course if you’d rather be a Northern skunkhead, well that’s up to you.

  174. Napoleon Says:

    Fuck it. I’m just going to not bother liking any music then.

    I’ll give you a call when we’re up and running, Indy. I’m going to say we’re a ‘creative solutions’ company. People will come to us and we will solve their problems creatively. And when they’ve gone away thinking their problems are about to be solved, we can go back to arsing about, looking at tits on the internet, making prank phonecalls, organising farting competitions and getting drunk. If anyone rings to see how we’re getting along with our solutions, we’ll pretend to be an Indian takeaway, and then quickly move offices.

  175. Napoleon Says:

    Mr. H – There’s not exactly a glut of cartoonists on here, are there? Irish or otherwise.

  176. godshatmyipod Says:

    Hmm, wouldn’t it be easier to call it something like “Hot Nekkid Chicks ‘R’ Us”. All the arty farty barstards would think it was in some way ironic, and then when you billed them for 300 hours of internet porn watching, they’d have to pay up, and be too embarrassed to tell anyone, thus allowing more eejits to sign your Satanic contract.

  177. Nick T Says:

    Something like The Bare Naked Ladies :-]

    My music is ace Naps.

    Mrs Nick has described some of it as “dated”, you might like it

  178. indy Says:

    np: i’m in. in my current job i tend too be to creative with my solutions.

  179. Napoleon Says:

    Not a bad idea. I’m up for anything that involves stealing money from clients.

  180. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – I’ve listened to some of your music and it’s not a patch on Elaine Page and Barbara Dixon’s. Or Elkie Brooks’s. I felt had, quite frankly.

    I like that one where Russ Abbot’s in the heady atmosphere of a 1980s night club, enjoying the atmosphere and singing about loving a party with a happy atmosphere. Can’t for the life of me remember what the song’s called …

  181. indy Says:

    holy f*ck. i just saw the video. tar and feather!

  182. Mel Says:

    How come whenever GSMIPod is in town, we end up talking about rawk and playboy/razzle/FHM?

    Is there a connection? I think there is. You are scaring all the ladies away.

    I also notice Toothed Varmint hasn’t been in in a while.

  183. indy Says:

    last i heard of toothed varmint he was just about to buy a london football club or possibly a tabloid…

  184. Mel Says:

    Oh, one of *those* kind of Russians is he?

    *awaits next bizarre poisoning incident*

  185. indy Says:

    no smoke without fire!

    *running around with smoke machine*

  186. Mel Says:

    *has asthma*

  187. indy Says:

    *screams fire in a theatre, while still running around with that bloody smoke machine*

  188. ugeine Says:

    Sweet tittyfucking christ. I once watched a woman getting penetrated by a horse. Until I watched this video, that was the most painful thing I’d ever seen.

  189. ugeine Says:

    You literally even couldn’t tell it was a cover version. And not in a good way. Poor old Florence.

  190. Swineshead Says:

    I just read that article back… you can tell I’m ill. I hope i’m back to normal tomorrow.

  191. Brailyn Says:

    Just dropping by.Btw, you website have great content!

    ______________________________
    Powerhouse Strategies And Tips To Increase Your Odds Of Getting Pregnant

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