Grow Your Own Drugs

by

Do you like cooking?

Are you a keen gardener?

Oh – one other thing… do you like homeopathic remedies?

If you ticked all of the above, you’ll love BBC2’s new cooking, gardening and homeopathic remedy show: Grow Your Own Drugs.

It’s a strange mixture of all of these elements squeezed into a format similar to Nigella Express or Chinese Food Made Easy. The only problem is, where those are both straightforward cookery shows, Grow Your Own Drugs’ presenter, James Wong sets out to squeeze in a factual basis for what he’s doing, growing the plant, cooking or preparing it and then, with the clock ticking away, providing a little bit of testimonial as to whether or not it worked. It’s a lot to slot in. Where Ching-He Huang migh collar a builder, cook for him, then eat with him, Wong has to jump through several hoops before he’s even at the hob.

Not only that, he’s also legally bound to provide disclaimers throughout. He starts the series off saying he’s ‘not some weird hippy’, slightly defensively, and proceeds throughout the show to warn us that he’s ‘not a doctor’, explaining that the tests aren’t ‘clinical trials’ and telling viewers not to smear pulverised fruit on their face if they’re worried that they might have allergies.

It comes across as incredibly restricting, as though Wong can’t get into his stride because he’s fenced in by indie-intros, justifying his own existence and explaining that he’s not a dispenser of pharmaceuticals. With half an hour to try and cure insomnia, constipation and dry skin using just a fruit bowl, the poor sod was always going to be up against it. The Naked Chef first appeared over a decade ago, but still the BBC are using this tired and stilted format for a large percentage of its factual TV, even when the content isn’t suited to it at all.

However, you don’t have to take my opinion as fact as I’m not a qualified writer. Always see a certified critic before watching gardening, cookery and homeopathy based television shows.

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192 Responses to “Grow Your Own Drugs”

  1. rockmother Says:

    I think it felt dated, hackneyed and smacked of executives getting desperate in development meetings. The fact that it had drugs in the title was a bit of a con and a cheap way of reaching out to a certain demographic. The two girl ‘models’ that roadtested the kiwi/papya faceblob caused much speculation in our house.
    Him: Models? What sort of models are they!? Glamour?
    Me: Oh you know – those sort of models on the internet that are ‘in you area now and fancy a chat” while slathered in kiwi pulp in this particular case.

    And anyway – not exactly ‘topical’ – pound for pound it would be cheaper to buy a pot of cold cream than fork out £1.99 plus for a papaya which you can only use over two days. Get real BBC – lazy programme-making, cliched use of format and one which came across like a health and safety pamphlet.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Wong seems alright. Be nice if they found a decent vehicle for him.

    Perhaps a golf caddy made out of vegetables?

  3. rockmother Says:

    A chat show interviewing vegetables perhaps?

  4. ugeine Says:

    Did anybody see Cutting edge: Revenge of the binmen last night? Absolutely class. Like a televised form of ‘Parklife’.

  5. breeks Says:

    wong would’ve been better used in the gabriel’s sledgehammer video.

    he’s too enthusiastic. they need to pay him more so he comes over all cynical, like.

    morning.

  6. Swineshead Says:

    A chat show interviewing vegetables perhaps?

    Jeremy Kyle already does that.

    I heard that binmen thing was good. I’m going to have to trot over to catch up in a minute…

    Morning breeks.

  7. Telemachus Says:

    I watched this and thought it was quite interesting. Afterall most pharmaceuticals are based on some sort of botanical basis. However remedies might be a fairer description. There were probably a few confused stoners who might have switched on the program.
    When he was cooking, he was focused on something other than the camera, and this sideways viewer perspective which happens in other cookery programs too, for this viewer is irritating.

  8. badgermadge Says:

    i watched beverly hills 90210 last night. it was actually pleasantly surprisingly good. except unrealistic as fuck – posh kids in beverly hills and NOT ONE of them has fake boobs. tsk tsk.

  9. Swineshead Says:

    I watched 10 minutes of 90210, intent on writing about it, and couldn’t hack it. Congrats for making it through, BM.

  10. Napoleon Says:

    “… I’m not a qualified writer.”

    I don’t agree. You’re getting rather good at this writing lark.

    Hang on …

    *remembers he’s meant to be the shitbag one*

    YOU ARSEHOLE.

  11. Napoleon Says:

    Well that killed it stone dead.

    Morning.

  12. indy Says:

    good cop bad cop?

  13. Napoleon Says:

    Something like that, Indy. Bit quiet in ‘ere today, isn’t it? Is it the credit crunch?

  14. Excelsior! Says:

    I intend to watch this but, like so often in my life, i failed utterly. Liked the sound of that insomnia pillow. Did it work?

    Youre a pretty good critic SH. Maybe give up the day job and write words for money?

  15. indy Says:

    yup. credit crunch indeed. maybe i haven’t told you this before but i’m actually doing all my wwm correspondence from a public pay per hour pc desk. this month i’ve gone from using toilet paper to using primark jeans to wipe my arse in order to save some pennies to keep up my internet habits.

  16. indy Says:

    i thought this was sh’s day job. what kind of day job allows him to spend that much time just watching telly?

  17. Excelsior! Says:

    I imagine its as easy as that no?

  18. badgermadge Says:

    credit crunch is officially over. ever since my local STOPPED doing their credit crunch lunch that is.

    yay! let’s spend! morning x

  19. ugeine Says:

    I did actually try and watch the last ten minutes of this, but it was well confusing, Telemachus hit the nail on the head. I kept on thinking ‘what’s wrong with asprin?’

  20. Napoleon Says:

    Did you know you can’t register a person as a charity? I’ve been backwards and fucking forwards with the Charity Commission trying to persuade them to let me register Dave as a charity, but they won’t have it. Anybody know a way round this?

  21. indy Says:

    badger madge: “ever since my local STOPPED doing their credit crunch lunch”

    you know it’s credit crunch when your local stops with their credit crunch lunch. then we’re in the deep trouble.

  22. Excelsior! Says:

    NP – as a relative newcomer to this site, could you explain to me this burning hatred you have of Dave?

  23. Swineshead Says:

    Why’s everyone being nice to me?

    *gets suspicious*

    It’s not my day job – I am studiously ignoring my day job at the moment.

  24. ugeine Says:

    They all fancy you. I think you’re an arsehole, and you couldn’t write a piss up in a brewery.

    *spits at SH*

  25. Napoleon Says:

    Excelsior – I don’t hate Dave. I’m spending quite a large amount of my spare time trying to make him a millionaire.

    Swineshead – Answer your fucking e-mails.

  26. Napoleon Says:

    He wanks in the dark, you know?

  27. Excelsior! Says:

    I did pick that up yes.

    I believe there maybe weeping and Pot Knoodles involved?

  28. Excelsior! Says:

    Of course i know theres no k in noodles

  29. Napoleon Says:

    Buffy the Vampire Slayer posters, nocturnal masturbation, a room in his mother’s house, Pot Knoodles, weeping, sexual contraptions made off of toilet rolls, a useless degree, looks like he’s made out of milk, fat, pointless … the man’s a joke.

  30. ugeine Says:

    Fitter, Happier, More productive…

    …Buffy the Vampire Slayer posters, nocturnal masturbation, a room in his mother’s house, Pot Knoodles, weeping, sexual contraptions made off of toilet rolls, a useless degree, looks like he’s made out of milk, fat, pointless…

    …A pig, in a cage, dead, on antibiotics.

  31. badgermadge Says:

    Indy – good point. the prices went up and the quality right down. we were not impressed.

    but that’s what happens when you stick a 15-year-old in the kitchen.

  32. Napoleon Says:

    He needs stringing up does Dave. By his balls.

    Anyway. Anyone else looking forward to watching Red Riding?

  33. indy Says:

    badgermadge: so what and where is your local? a 15-year-old in the kitchen? is the place called “fagins”?

  34. Swineshead Says:

    I could’ve gone to a preview of Red Riding the week before last – some Channel4 man invited me for PR purposes. I couldn’t be arsed, in the event. Looks good, mind you.

  35. Nick T Says:

    Is googlemail broked?
    Yes SH, could you check yours?
    *waves*

  36. Napoleon Says:

    That’s the spirit, Swineshead. Why should anyone involved with WWM do anything as daft as attend previews? What? TV critics watching shows early? You’ve got to be kidding? Keep it up!

    Red Riding looks all ace. I vaguely remember West Yorkshire in the late ’70s, early ’80s. My mother wouldn’t leave the house because she thought she’d get killed up by the Ripper. I was more interested in tearing the head off Darth Vadar and avoiding getting leathered by my ill-tempered father than I was of the Ripper.

  37. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – Mine’s working.

  38. Swineshead Says:

    Nappers – I solemnly apologise.

  39. badgermadge Says:

    indy – it’s the cork n bottle in bath. it’s not local. it’s more “regular lunch time as it’s near our offices” type thing.

  40. Nick T Says:

    Bloody work system……
    I think it’s the new version of gmail. It’s changed the way you send attachments.
    I’m off up the shops for a new A string….

  41. Napoleon Says:

    I’m not ‘Nappers’! I’m not, I’m not!

    *pisses into wind*

    You pack of bastards.

  42. ugeine Says:

    Would you prefer The Napbomb?

  43. Napoleon Says:

    I went to the Cork & Bottle with somebody off of Future Publishing. Everyone in there was an annoying meejia type. They all worked for Future Publishing and all wore those bloody glasses meejia types wear. Them square ones. With their degrees.

  44. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I’ve also got ginger hair, glasses, bad teeth and a massive boil on my left arse cheek.

    But on the internet you can reinvent yourself to become whatever kind of rugged, articulate, soulful, artisan you desire. But I don’t want to. I’m as God made me and I’m as precious as a fucking snowflake.

  45. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – Not really.

  46. ugeine Says:

    Those media bastards, who are actually using their media degrees, and not working in nondescript office admin.

    *weeps*

  47. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – There’s nothing precious about your sort. Weird loners who still live with their mother are ten a penny in this country. With your wanking in the dark. You should be ashamed of yourself.

  48. indy Says:

    badgermadge: my “closest eatery to office”-place used to be wetherspoons in rayners lane, london. cheap food and drinks for the plebs. every thursday was a jalfrezi eating competition where you had to down a microwaved curry with odd bits of plastic in it before neil in finance or dawn in hr to get some inter-departemental respect…

  49. ugeine Says:

    NP: ‘Polio?

  50. myopiniononstuff Says:

    When you’re young and naive you think it’s all clever to move out into the big world and join a shitty ex-polytechnic to pursue a general degree in something you only half think’s a good idea because of those 4Learning programmes you watched whilst skiving off college.

    Five years down the line and you’re sat in the spare room of your parent’s cottage in Scotland typing crap to cunts on a generally unknown telly blog thinking about whether it’d have more impact if the police found your hanging body dressed up as Spider-man (the body not the police).

  51. Napoleon Says:

    I effectively lived in The Old Flyer, Farnham for a year when the buggers offered steak and chips for £3. Fucking ace, that was. And it came on one o’ them cast iron plates and was all sizzling. Shame the town was up its own arse.

    You hear that, Farnham in Surrey? YOU’RE UP YOUR OWN FUCKING ARSE!

  52. indy Says:

    ugeine: “Those media bastards, who are actually using their media degrees, and not working in nondescript office admin.

    *weeps*”

    …or in it support.

    *weeps, hugs pillow, listens to ‘heaven knows i’m miserable now’*

  53. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – I wouldn’t worry if I were you. Once I’ve turned you into a charity (somehow), your patheticness will be your fortune (and mine and Swineshead’s when we write the shameless Danny Wallace rip-off book).

  54. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Revolution bars a quite good on a Sunday – buy one get one free on burgers, and if you have a Revolution card you get cheap lager too. Vodka salsa that tastes no different to salsa salsa has to be the best gimmick I’ve ever eaten – and I’ve eaten lots.

  55. badgermadge Says:

    Nappers – the Cork used to be a lovely gay pub what did interesting (and cheap) tapas for lunch. It’s been made over as a (s)wanky bar and we only went there because (until recently) they did massive portions of good food for £3.50.

    Never again.

    Indy – Our Friday lunch place (the Metro) does a curry like that. We used to go until we had fish n chips last week and the peas were still frozen. Nice.

    Bath centre is tricky to find good, cheap luncheries that’ll have you fed and back t’office for 2pm…

  56. myopiniononstuff Says:

    NP – I’m using the ‘credit crunch’ to mask my incompetence at the moment, a tactic that’ll pour cold water on your entrepeunerial CYBER BULLYING!

  57. ugeine Says:

    Scream bars are the way forward, if the stench of youth doesn’t hurt your nostrils. Scream burgers are ace and only a fiver.

  58. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – I think it’s a disgrace that we taxpayers are funding your burger-eating activities. Your sort (the unemployable) should be put to work cracking rocks for your benefits money.

  59. myopiniononstuff Says:

    NP- Listen. I’ve only been out of work for a fucking week because after leaving that nightmare of a call centre job I worked in a bar whilst doing the odd fortnightly temping. I did that to avoid claiming benefits. Pfft.

  60. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – It’s disgusting that I have to pay for you to live the life of Riley in a box room in your mother’s house in the middle of nowhere. You people think you’re entitled to a free ride off of the backs of us proper working folk. You’re nothing but a benefits-scrounging thief in my opinion. You should be flogged, you pasty-faced little parasite.

  61. indy Says:

    ugeine: scream bars? what is a scream bar?

  62. ugeine Says:

    Would you like to become a security guard, Dave?

  63. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Indy – Scream bars are the home of the iconic ‘Yello Card’ which means you can watch the match there whilst drinking underpriced, stale Carling.

  64. ugeine Says:

    Indy: http://www.mbplc.com/index.asp?pageid=606

    They were quite popular in Leeds, there’s one outside the Met uni I went too.

  65. Napoleon Says:

    We’ve got one of them Scream bars near the polytechnic … sorry, ‘university’. The barman’s an entertaining type.

    How’s THAT for a story, eh?

  66. indy Says:

    “Scream is popular with students because it shares a quirky attitude to life, humour and style*”

    *twats?

  67. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Ugeine – I reckon I could sit on my arse watching a tiny black and white monitor for a living…just as long as there’s no danger of confrontation with bigger men.

  68. ugeine Says:

    Indy: Basically, yes.

  69. Excelsior! Says:

    I did some security guard work when i was a student. Guarding a building site at night, which actually just involved watching dvds in a cabin. If any trouble had kicked off i’d have probably shat myself and legged it but luckily that never came up.
    Nice work if you can get it.

  70. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I once got blazingly drunk in a Scream bar after a late pub shift and got kicked out for climbing up a pillar.

    THAT’s a story.

  71. ugeine Says:

    It’s alright Dave, all known criminals are under 5”2.

  72. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Ugeine – why would you ask me if I want to become a security guard?

  73. indy Says:

    myopiniononstuff: that’s appearently a quirky attitude to life, humour and style.

  74. ugeine Says:

    It has everything to do with helping you back on your feet and nothing to do with the 60 odd quid I might get for reccomending you, Dave.

  75. Napoleon Says:

    I worked as a security guard in Toys R Us. Shoplifting figures went through the roof. They wouldn’t have done if Toys R Us had paid me more than one pound fucking eighty an hour.

  76. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – I hear McDonalds are hiring. You might be over-qualified with your rat shit degree, but it’s still worth investigating, just in case.

  77. indy Says:

    np: £1.80/hour and as many bratz dolls you could eat?

  78. ugeine Says:

    What’s your degree in, dave?

  79. Excelsior! Says:

    “One pound fucking eighty an hour”

    Jesus when did you work there, 1985?

  80. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I worked in McDonalds at the age of 16 and it was shit.

  81. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Ugeine – I’m not even sure if I have the degree or I just imagiend it anymore. University for me was an excuse to get shit loads of money so I could get coked up and watch Bollywood films before a spot of Micro Machines on the SEGA Mega-Drive.

  82. ugeine Says:

    Come on, it can’t be in anything more looked down upon then media and popular culture.

  83. Napoleon Says:

    Indy – They didn’t have Bratz dolls when I was patrolling the isles of Toys R Us. It was Power Rangers. They were like gold dust. We used to have parents queueing up round the block every morning, desperate to get their hands on the limited number of Power Rangers we had on our shelves. Little did they know we had tonnes of the buggers in the stock room – ready to be put out at an inflated price on Christmas Eve.

  84. Nick T Says:

    Get a job in edukasun if you weant job security.

    Hasd WWM tunrned into a labour exchange?

  85. indy Says:

    i worked at starbucks after finishing my military service at the age of 19…

    looking back at it it feels pretty trailertrashy but hey! i got better!

  86. Napoleon Says:

    Excelsior – I worked there in 1995, would you believe. Back in the good old days before the minimum wage. The thieving bastards.

  87. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Inglish wif jernalism, if you must know. A folly think to pursue when the industry’s taken up by intelligent people with the abilty to, erm, write a sentence. The odd working class terrier bitch like Napoleon may get through the net but most of the time it’s the older person with life experience or someone who went to a proper uni.

    Essentially, however, I’m simply not very bright and can’t write so well.

  88. ugeine Says:

    Or, you haven’t got the money to do unpaid placements getting coffees down in London. Like most of the people who don’t work in the media industry.

  89. indy Says:

    np: power rangers! what was the point? i was in to transformers and they were pretty cool. my parents had a pacisfic (sic) approach to toys (basically no guns) so whenever they were around i’d transform the robots into ambulances and shit and then, when unsupervised, get back to the laser gun wars. then, off course, my landlord knocked on the door and asked about the rent and then my employer started to give me threats that i’d be fired if i didn’t turn up to work…

  90. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – I’m not working class. I started out being working class thanks to my father being an ignorant oaf and my mother being the daughter of a shopkeeper, but I ended up going to grammar school. I don’t think you’re allowed to class yourself as working class if you went to grammar school.

    In fact, I may well be upper class. When my mother had a nervous breakdown and was in danger of smothering me in my bed, I was packed off to boarding school for a few years for my own safety. Fitted in marvellously there, obviously. Imagine a turd floating in a glass of champagne.

  91. Excelsior! Says:

    I worked at a growers before minimum wage, when i was about 15. Two pound an hour for the most work anyones ever done. Ever. Trapped in a sweaty green house and forced to listen to zombie nation over and over again on the radio.
    And people pissed in the feed tanks. Remember that next time you eat a cucumber.

  92. Napoleon Says:

    Indy – I can’t stand that idea of banning kids from having guns. My little cousin’s five, and the bugger’s tooled up to the nines. That’s how it should be.

  93. Napoleon Says:

    Excelsior – The least I was paid for a job was £1.20 an hour for mucking out dog and cat pens in one of those dog kennels places. There was me, shifting shit for fuck all money, whilst Swineshead’s brother answered phones in a nice heated office. That bastard.

  94. myopiniononstuff Says:

    ALDI are selling muesli for 98p.

  95. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Shit. The least I got pait was £3.70 at McDonalds. I spent my first pay cheque on an X Box and my second on a electric guitar then quit.

  96. Excelsior! Says:

    You know youre in a bad way when answering phones is a thing to be envied.

  97. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – That’s 98p supplied by me, is it? You thieving shit.

  98. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I haven’t even signed on yet – I’ll be doing so in exactly two hours. Call me a thieving shit then because I’ll spending it all on chemical cider and fags like a proper unemployed.

  99. ugeine Says:

    3.65 at safeway. Though the learning experiences were worth more then the money.

    The learning experiences were:

    1) When you’re older, don’t work in retail.

    2) If you’re going to work in retail, don’t work in a supermarket.

    3) If you’re going to work in a supermarket, don’t work in Safeway.

  100. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I worked in the ‘Oven Fresh’ section of Morrisons. Basically I cooked chickens and baked pastry goods all summer so I could smuggle myself into a shithole Warrington rock club twice a week and listen to horrific Nu-Metal.

  101. Napoleon Says:

    Excelsior – And he got to walk the dogs. I’d have killed to walk the dogs, me. I remember one week the fucker wot owned the kennels had me mucking out two year’s worth of goat shit and hay from his goat pen. And there was Swineshead’s brother (his name’s Heckington, by the way), answering his bloody phones with me up to my knees in shit.

    And then I was attacked by a goose!

  102. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I might spend my first JSA payment on an oud…

  103. indy Says:

    £3.40 at starbucks (then £4.20 after advancing to being shift leader which meant that i had less responsibility, could sleep at the office when being hungover and, best of all, coming down from a night with mr e goode in the stock room).

    this discussion is turning to the “four yorkshiremen” (right?) sketch from python, right?

  104. Nick T Says:

    I went straight to work after leaving school, so I could help support you lazy student types.

    Now I work in a college.

    Revenge!!!!

  105. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – You’ll spend it on White Lightning, like everyone else who’s on the dole does. I think it’s disgusting how your sort gets free money while the rest of us have to break our backs working just so you can spend our money on booze. You’re no better than a tramp.

  106. ugeine Says:

    I used to wash pots for pennies in a village pub. Day shift, and my village got about three visitors a day. I spent most of it smoking roll ups and beating the chefs at pro evo.

  107. indy Says:

    unlike my younger sisters i had to pay for my own driver’s licence which meant that i had to work two summers in a plastics factory. three years later it was closed due to health and safety reasons. i probably lost 10 (probably quite boring) years of my life because of those two summers. thanks mum and dad for the cancer!

  108. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Nap – I already said I intend to spend it on chemical cider, you twot. Ouds are expensive, and I want a hand carved one, so I’ll use my JSA to become an alcoholic, dive infront of a speeding car and claim incapacity and alcoholics allowance too. I’ll do anything to get my hands on an oud (but work).

  109. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – You work in a college? So you’re a loony liberal lefty bastard, are you? No doubt it’s all lesbian rights and banning Christmas with you, is it? I think it’s a disgrace.

    Indy – I reckon I win the Four Yorkshiremen thing because:

    1. I’m an actual Yorkshireman.
    2. I shovelled shit for a living.

  110. ugeine Says:

    From The Beeb:

    ‘A study of 10,000 US students over a period of 35 years suggests the wealthiest people are those that had the most friends at school. Each extra schoolfriend added 2% to the salary. ‘

    Bollocks! we’ve just let on that we’re all friendless losers.

  111. Excelsior! Says:

    Naps – Geese are fucking mental. I went to York uni, which has got a massive lake in the middle, filled with the feathered psycho’s.
    One time this liitle kid was feeding em and got spooked cos they were crowding all round him, like a mob of scotts round a burger van. Started running away and they chased after him hissing like they were gonna peck him a new one.
    Then he fell over, screaming and they were all over him and his mum was flapping about ineffectually. Finally his dad came and carried him off but that little tyke was scarred for life if im any judge.

    And they run like dinosaurs off Jurassic Park.

  112. ugeine Says:

    Shit? SHIT? ooooooh, we would have killed for some shit. That were luxary in my day, that were.

  113. Napoleon Says:

    Isn’t that some sort of lute? What do you want a lute for? Are you planning on becoming a strolling minstrel?

  114. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Nappy – I just got to play one the other day and think they sound lovely. I’m going to take lessons in Arabic singing as well.

  115. Napoleon Says:

    Excelsior – They’re vicious little fuckers. I had to feed a pack of ’em in the morning (just after slopping stinking mounds of tripe into bowls, and just before I got to work shifting shit), and the bastards attacked me on sight. I was full of all goose wounds, I was. Goose wounds.

  116. ugeine Says:

    Goose wounds? That were luxary…

    I’ll stop, don’t worry.

  117. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – That’s typical behaviour of a layabout, is that. You’re worse than those unemployable dregs you see doing drumming workshops. I’d have the lot of you rounded up and put in concentration camps, like.

  118. myopiniononstuff Says:

    http://myopiniononstuff.wordpress.com/

    LOOK AT MY BLOG AND READ MY CUTTING SATIRICAL SPIN ON THE EASTENDERS BLACK CAST CONTROVERSY! (NO RACISM IS INVOLVED BECAUSE I’M NOT A RACIST).

  119. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – I’ve also sold sex aids and porno films, don’t forget that. There’s something odd about discussing what fanny hammer’s best suited to a woman when she’s stood in front of you asking about fanny hammers. I always told ’em the Rabbit was what they needed. Or Love Eggs if we had too many of ’em in the stock room.

  120. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – You are a racist, that’s been proved.

  121. Excelsior! Says:

    I sat through that particular Stenders without realising it was a special all black eastenders, mostly cos Patrick is the. If ever anyone accuses me of being racist i can say “i cant be a racist because….”

    What did people complain about?

  122. ugeine Says:

    The fact they dared to put out a tv programme with no white people on screen? Only writing it, producing it, etc?

  123. myopiniononstuff Says:

    NP – You can put a label on a jar of jam saying marmalade but it wouldn’t be marmalade at all, it’d be jam (damsen, preferably).

  124. Nick T Says:

    Erm yes actualy, Naperooni

  125. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – Bloody typical. How come this site’s infested with liberals, eh? Is it because Swineshead’s a Guardian-reading, leftie, commie, politically-correct feminist off of the ’80s? Is that it?

    Dave – Never mind jam. You’re a racist.

  126. Excelsior! Says:

    Coming over here, enriching our culture, showing their non-white faces on telly. When i read id watched an entire episode of stenders without seeing a single white face in it, i was so incensed i put my fist through my Daily Mail.

    And sent Barack Obama the bill.

  127. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I watched some programme about the adveritising industry this mornign and watched to ass hats get paid thousands for crudely drawing a picture of a kid with a pineapple in his mouth saying – ‘Fruit Shoot: makes fruit easier to swallow’.

  128. indy Says:

    liberals? being a swede i am a trust-in-authority, 50 % tax-paying, rather-die-than-be-a-parasite-on-the-state collectivist balancing at the perfect middle of democracy-fascism and free market/state property. and i am a blonde (strawberry-).

  129. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Indy’s a Swede and nobody’s pointed the fated finger of racialism at her yet?

  130. Napoleon Says:

    Speaking of advertising, I’d like to find out what the fuck the bloke who came up with that O2 ad with the teddy bears was thinking. If the point of advertising is to make me buy stuff, he failed miserably.

  131. Napoleon Says:

    Are the Swedes racist? I thought it was all sex and ABBA with your Swedes? Admittedly, my only knowledge of Sweden comes from porno movies and ABBA records, so I could be wrong.

  132. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Right, I’m off to cover a magpie in tinfoil to see if it’ll steal itself. Good day!

  133. indy Says:

    myopiniononstuff: “Indy’s a Swede and nobody’s pointed the fated finger of racialism at her yet?”

    sorry but i have to point out that i am also a he. better say it now than having the crying game business…

  134. indy Says:

    myopiniononstuff: more of a björn/benny than a agneta/frida

  135. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Sweden’s so racist people’s dogs still bark at black men.

  136. Excelsior! Says:

    Indy – does it worry you that dave considers you a girl and has probably been having all wanks about you?

  137. Napoleon Says:

    In the dark.

  138. indy Says:

    np: racists. well. swedes tend to be more safe and in better harmony when just hanging out with fellow swedes. we are very tolerant but we don’t like to interfer with people we don’t know. therefore we got the state to do all that kind of business for us. when we get fed up with the young, the old and the newly arrived we get the state to put them in some kind of home, hopefully far away from us.

    usually people on the countryside tend to be a bit xenophobic, but that’s just rural people south of stockholm. in a place outside kiruna a town protested when the state was to close down a pretty miserable place where they put some somalians. that was very heartwarming to start with but it was also a bit egoistic since it was all about keeping up population numbers in order to save the local gas station and post office.

  139. indy Says:

    Excelsior!: “the only thing being worse than being wanked about is not being wanked about” (o wilde)

  140. ugeine Says:

    I have a Finnish friend from university, who hates Swedes. I always wondered if this was kind of like a English / Scots English / Welsh English / French English / Other English type relationship or if The fins were weird.

  141. Excelsior! Says:

    Indy – that should go in a book entitled Quotes As They Should Have Been.

  142. Napoleon Says:

    Indy – You people should be ashamed of yourself, locking up them Somalians. You should stop your racist behaviour, and get back to Sweden being all about big-titted blonde girls being no stranger to a bit of man-hammer next to a Sauna in the snow. In the ’70s.

  143. indy Says:

    ugeine: the finns used to be our “scots/welsh/irish”. finland used to be known as the “eastern duchies” (duchy is a territory run by a duke, right?). we lost them to the russians exactly 200 years ago but still they keep moaning about the swedes. they should be happy that we went over the baltic and christened them by the sword.

  144. indy Says:

    ugeine: the finns also got this thing going on about the swedes being posh and gay. i guess we are the english of scandinavia.

  145. Napoleon Says:

    The Swedes aren’t all posh and gay. They’re all blonde with big tits, sucking on particulars in 1974. I’ve seen the evidence when I was doing some web-based research after the missus went to bed.

  146. Who Says:

    Hurry up with the arabic singing Dave, I really need to hear that.

  147. indy Says:

    swedes tend to treat finns a bit patronisingly because they were so poor back in the days (first being bullied by us and then by the russians). then they allied with the nazis (bad idea) when they tried to fight with stalin (good idea, since they invented the vietnam vc tactics against the russians) but it left them with a bombed out country. therefore they migrated to sweden to work in swedish lumber mills, iron works, shipyards and textile industries. all of which we closed down in 10 years time leaving them unemployed and left to their wellknown habit of drinking themselves to death.

    end of class.

  148. ugeine Says:

    Bloody colonies, you’d have thought they’d have appreciated gay polo.

  149. indy Says:

    tomorrow i will come back with a short, vulgar, and probably not entirely correct story about the norwegians.

  150. Tom Laird Says:

    Well at least the Finns got stuck in about the Bolsheviks like a days work. While the Swedes sat around in saunas all day wolfing down pickled herring and shagging each others wives while pretending to be neutral.

  151. Nick T Says:

    I thought Fins and Sweders were the same.

    “Go figure”

  152. indy Says:

    Tom Laird: sauna is a finnish thing. do your homework!

  153. Tom Laird Says:

    Nah! I don’t think the Finns are even Scandies

  154. Tom Laird Says:

    What no one in Sweden EVER took a sauna?

  155. Napoleon Says:

    Indy – No it’s not. Tom’s right. It’s all having sex up the wrong ‘un in a sauna with your lot. You’re sex and sauna crazy, you Swedes.

  156. indy Says:

    ugeine: by the way, you got a finnish friend: i bet his/her name is made up of 40 randomly chosen letters where there is at least 10 vowels in a row. something like haannuuu kiiiiiskalinenen or kaaisaa-leeenaa saaaaampivaruuu.

  157. Nick T Says:

    Or is that Fins Nap?

  158. indy Says:

    “A sauna (pronounced /ˈsɔːnə/, or as Finnish [ˈsɑunɑ]) is a small room or house designed as a place to experience dry or wet heat sessions, or an establishment with one or more of these and auxiliary facilities. These facilities derive from the Finnish sauna. The word “sauna” is also used figuratively to describe an unusually hot or humid environment.”

    from wikipedia

  159. Napoleon Says:

    There was a Finnish fella at that waste of space university I went to for five minutes. He was introduced to me as ‘Arripekka’ (fuck alone knows how it’s actually spellded), and I thought his name was ‘Arry Pecker. Couldn’t work out how a Fin had ended up with a Cockney’s name.

  160. ugeine Says:

    Indy: His name to me is Spider, because part of his finnish name is finnish for spider. He did tell me his real name once, and you hit the nail on the head. It was always funny seeing lecturers attempt to read out his name at university.

  161. Napoleon Says:

    Is it arse. It’s used for Swedes to have dirty relations with other Swedes in blue movies in the ’70s. Back when women had them big floppy tits.

  162. indy Says:

    and yeah, the finns can’t pronounce the letter “b” or “sh”. it’s always “se want me to meet her in the pup/par”

  163. indy Says:

    oops. new post on wwm. see you there.

  164. Tom Laird Says:

    I stand corrected. No one in sweden would take a sauna. It’s to much like a bath.

  165. Napoleon Says:

    They’re all Nazis in Finland. How come they don’t get any flack for that? Germany’s never allowed to forget it, yet Italy and Finland have got off scot free. Those Nazi bastards.

  166. indy Says:

    austria is even worse. “the country of mozart and beethoven”. ‘kin ‘ell! you bred hitler!!!

  167. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve never acknowledged the existence of Austria as a country in its own right. As far as I’m concerned, it’s just a province of Germany (the Third Reich).

  168. Tom Laird Says:

    Never mind that bollocks. The swedes invented the smorgasbord.
    Great in theory…a tray you can fill up from an all you can eat buffet.
    Unfortunately consisting of meat(fat)potatoes, Meat(gristle) more potatoes, Meat(blubber)even more potatoes, Cheese that bounces on the floor when you drop it. More fuckin potatoes, crispbread, Meat(carrion) and the ubiquitous Herring. You can have a smorgasbord consisting entirely of Herring called a silbricka. Stinks! Jamie Oliver probably loves it

  169. Napoleon Says:

    Tom – That sounds typically foreign and disgusting. Anyone who’s even half-civilised knows a buffet needs them little sausages on sticks for start.

    I forget which lot it is, but one of the Scandanavian natons eats this brown cheese. It’s brown and looks like a block formed shit. Who eats that?

  170. indy Says:

    annexation shmannexation. semi-germans.

  171. indy Says:

    we don’t eat any brown cheese where i come from. but we do like our meat and potatoes. and pickled herring of course.

  172. Nick T Says:

    Nowegians Naps, my eldest daughter went out with one once an bought a block of it back fro a visit to his homeland.
    Was quite tasty, unlike the b/f….

  173. Tom Laird Says:

    The Icelanders like nothing better than to bury a basking shark out the back garden(piss all over it first…obviously.) Then dig it up three days later and tuck in. Mmmmmmmmm

  174. Napoleon Says:

    It’s the Norway lot is it? That figures. They’re so drunk, they’ll eat anything.

    Scandanavian food sounds suspiciously similar to Scotch food. Why do people who live in cold countries like bland rubbish?

  175. indy Says:

    people that eat bland rubbish gets an early warning when food start to smell and look funny. that’s a tactic of survival.

  176. Tom Laird Says:

    Coz fuck all grows in cold climates.

  177. indy Says:

    …with the exception of the norwegians (and by logic the icelanders, who are norwegian scum forced away from the mainland in “like” the 13th century or something) who, correctly pointed out previously, fancy burying fish in their backgardens (not euphimism)

  178. Tom Laird Says:

    I think you mean “Tic Tac”. Another Swedish invention. Not surprising when your breath stinks of herring.

  179. Napoleon Says:

    You’re no better than apes, the lot of you. I’ll bet my backside you eat that filth wot’s a pickled herring wrapped round onions and gherkins. It stinks, does that. I think the EEC should ban it. And I don’t even like the EEC, the bunch of interfering buggers.

  180. Tom Laird Says:

    The Icelanders werent forced anywhere. They ran away from Harald Fair hair’s(struggling a bit there weren’t they)tax collectors….when any true Jarl and Viking fought the collectors and told them to piss of.

  181. indy Says:

    Tom Laird: tax-dodgers/unwanted scum. tomatoes tomaetoes. now they’re in deep shit anyway.

  182. Nick T Says:

    I met two Icelander girls once, told me their country was full of racists.

  183. Tom Laird Says:

    That’ll be about 9 Racists then.

  184. indy Says:

    imagine björk dressed in a ss-uniform times 100 000. that’s iceland for you.

  185. Nick T Says:

    Good grief indy!

    *excuses self*

  186. Tom Laird Says:

    That will do for me. I’m off to Iceland. Pissy Fish not withstanding.

  187. indy Says:

    so these icelandic girls. good-looking?

  188. Napoleon Says:

    They look like chipmunks.

  189. indy Says:

    thought so.

  190. Nick T Says:

    It gets better and better!

  191. Michael Says:

    It’s not homeopathic, that is something very different (and relies entirely on the placebo effect) this is herbal remedies

  192. Pinturicchio Says:

    I am according with herbal remedies!

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