Newsnight Review


Newsnight Review

Resisting the urge to watch Newsnight Review is futile. There’s something mesmerising about a handful of gasbags who’ve nothing better to do on a Friday evening than slam a ballet or mock a blockbuster and I always find myself roped in, even sticking around while they throttle an interpretation of an opera I’m never, ever going to see, no matter who interprets it.

Maybe it’s the in-fighting when two critics disagree with one another I enjoy. It could be the lengths they go to in proving their put-down prowess or, more likely, it’s the fact that they get themselves so worked up over artistic works that they come across to the viewer as, in equal measure, smug, fussy, pretentious, pompous and – half the time – wrong.

Let’s have a look at the major players:

Wark, Kirsty

There are other presenters, but Kirsty is the key head honcho and she is the only one with the power to utterly silence the mob. Her Scotch drawl is familiar to all and despite the fact she sounds and looks like a shaved and lazy sheep, everyone fears her authority and respects her space. A consummate professional.

Morley, Paul

One from the old skool. An ex-NME writer who made the inevitable transition to the broadsheets years ago but still harbours the belief that he’s on the cutting edge of opinion, even though he writes stream-of-consciousness reviews of Franz Ferdinand records for The Observer Music Monthly for middle aged mortgage brokers to read over muesli. Despite that fatal flaw, he always seems to praise the right things, and I admire his choices in buttoned-to-the-chin Urban Outfitter jackets which hide the fact that his face is almost completely forehead. I’m on his side, usually.

Marina Hyde

Her name says it all – sounding like a Chris Morris parody of a Guardian journalist. But look again – she’s real! Marina excels at being snooty about nothing, pointing her breadstick nose at low-culture, snorting like a hooray-Henry at the vulgarity and then summing it up in a badly-judged, empty soundbite. Despite a highly presentable byline pic, she actually has a small, sneering triangle for a face which points up at the light fittings, apparently sniffing them for traces of shit.

Tony Parsons

It’s all been said before. Google him – I can add nothing more to the mix. The market for Parsons-criticism is over-saturated.

Germaine Greer

Personally, I think she gets better as time goes on. She appears to care not one jot if she upsets anyone and constantly makes statements designed to piss people off. Only the other week she incorrectly asserted that ‘women aren’t as good at comedy as men’, and she spends the latter part of her career making these sorts of sweeping generalisations unapologetically. The fact she doesn’t mean half of them only adds to the fun.

Kwei-Armah, Kwame

Sometimes he presents and sometimes he’s on the couch. Despite being a youngster, comparatively, Kwame comes across as the wise old man of Newsnight Review, managing to balance his judgements against those of the others whilst resisting the urge to steamroller his co-critics – quite unlike..:

Eshun, Eko

…who is painfully watchable in his childlike over-enthusiasm. Whenever Eko’s presence is announced, I’m simultaneously horrified and excited as he’s a terrifying mixture of the drunk at the party who can’t shut his face and a rampant toddler charged with E numbers. In some ways it’s irritating that he interrupts the likes of Neil LaBute when he’s saying something smart but at other times it’s wholly satisfying when he shuts that vicar from The Communards up with his high pitched ejaculations.

Eko is Newsnight review incarnate – an over-opinionated speed-freak in conversation only with himself, unable to relent when challenged and permanently seeking to promote only his own point of view. He stamps his feet and actually sticks his hand up when it’s not his turn. He’s like those kids at school who were desperate to answer every class-question and if the attention’s not completely focused on him, he gasps and whines like a trampled puppy.

*   *   *

So who would you like to see on the Newsnight Review couch? Or would you like to see it set ablaze and dropped from the schedules?


305 Responses to “Newsnight Review”

  1. Napoleon Says:

    Poncey, wanky crap. These are the sort of elitist turds that demand taxpayers’ money should subsidise shit like opera and ballet. They read books you’ve never heard of, watch films you wouldn’t watch even if you were offered money to do so and review plays in London that are of relevence to a tiny percentage of the BBC’s audience. Tripe, and a waste of the licence fee. I’d have the lot of ’em birched.

    Morning, by the way.

  2. Swineshead Says:


  3. lemondrizzle Says:

    I think Keith Allen should be on all discussion shows at all times.

  4. Napoleon Says:

    I like Germaine Greer, mind. Odd because I can’t abide feminists usually.

  5. Napoleon Says:

    She was good on Question Time last week. I like it when they have folks on there that can cut through the politicians’ shite. Will Self’s good for that, as is Ian Hislop. David Mitchell’s on this week’s one – he’s alright, but I’d like to see Stewart Lee on there ideally.

    Not that the BBC’s going to listen to me.

  6. Nick T Says:

    Never seen it for reasons Nap has mentioned.
    Saw Clockwork Orange for the first time on Saturday.

    I prefer the Rise & Rise of Michael Rimmer..

  7. Napoleon Says:

    Do they still have that arsehole on it wot talks painfully slowly? He’s Irish, I think. They used to have him on The Late Show when that awful woman with the big red glasses and curly ’80s hair presented it.

  8. lemondrizzle Says:

    You mean Tom Paulin. I haven’t seen him for a while.

  9. Napoleon Says:

    That’s him, is it? He used to annoy the hell out of me. Mind you, they all did.

  10. breeks Says:

    this post has a slight flavour of pseudo (or real, who am i to judge. no-one, that’s who) intellectualism.

    i don’t come to WWM for intellectualism. i come here to find new descriptions of shit tv and because i like a low-brow and scat-defined angle to my work day.

    that is all.


  11. Napoleon Says:

    After careful consideration, I’d replace these bastards with:

    Jimmy Savile
    Mike Smith
    The Chuckle Brothers
    Anneka Rice (bit of glamour)
    Paul Daniels

    And then I’d cancel the show and put on repeats of Porridge instead.

  12. breeks Says:

    if i have to, i’d go with

    bill oddie
    ray mears
    les hiddens
    david attenborough
    jacque cousteau (arisen from the dead, obv)

    then it’d be like the wildlife channel and i’d probably watch it as long as it was voiced by DA and had lots of pretty nature film-shots.

  13. Nick T Says:

    I’d rather see:

    Jim Bowen
    Fred Dinage
    Rich Hall
    Carol Cleveland
    Ali Bongo (not foolong anyone)

  14. Nick T Says:

    I’m warming to Twitter since I got rid of Fry and Jupitus.
    Wossy may be next. I don’t care that he went to the toilet…

  15. Tom Laird Says:

    I Think every week they should have a token punter randomly picked from the street. A big issue seller or a Polish immigrant.

    PS. Unfortunately that bat Greer is right. Women are not as good at comedy.

  16. Napoleon Says:

    Richard Digence would be good, too. When they ask him about some poncey book nobody but ponces will ever read, he could make up a comedy song. Ditto Richard Stilgoe.

    And they could have Phil Cool doing impressions instead of answering stupid questions about a play that’s been written specifically to give Guardian readers something to waffle on about at dinner parties.

  17. Nick T Says:

    Jake Thackary?

  18. Tom Laird Says:

    Kwame Karaoke my arse!!!

    His name’s Bert Smith or something like that.

    Went on a two week holiday to The Gambia done a bit of an Alex Haley and came back all ethnic like.

  19. Tom Laird Says:

    Please don’t give Digance any more air time…or indeed air. The man’s a menace.

  20. breeks Says:

    i think they should can newsnight and get geoffrey roberston in to do some ‘hypotheticals’.

    get a list of six ‘faces’ to take on hypothetical roles and discuss an ethical issue or dilemma.

    it were good tv, once. once.

    ‘These shows invite notable people, often including former and current political leaders, to discuss contemporary issues by assuming imagined identities in hypothetical situations.’

  21. indy Says:

    i think g greer is acting more and more irrationally and that she has had one too many of “oh-look-feminist-academic-germaine-greer-in-low-cultural-context!” appearances. i saw her on some gordon ramsay show last week (on swedish tv). it’s a shame that she will be better known to future generations as that woman off big brother rather than the bright feminist academic she is. i recommend her obituary on that australian oaf that used to wrestle crocodiles. that was spot on (“nature’s got it’s revenge” sort of).

  22. Napoleon Says:

    I tried reading one of that turdpipe Parsons’ books after finding it in a junk shop for 25p. It wasn’t worth 25p.

    They should have that on the back cover:

    “Not worth 25p” – Unheard-Of Internet Man

  23. indy Says:

    “So who would you like to see on the Newsnight Review couch? Or would you like to see it set ablaze and dropped from the schedules?”

    a bit friday quizzy? but still – it’s a pile up!

  24. Swineshead Says:

    Tom Laird – shush.

  25. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – Was the memory of ‘Hypotheticals’ kick-started by that Salman Rushdie documentary, by any chance? It was interesting, was that.

  26. Napoleon Says:

    Indy – It’s ‘pile-on’, not ‘pile-up’. Unless it was ‘pile-up’ where you come from. If it was, you’re a bunch of uncivilised savages.

  27. Tom Laird Says:

    Nick Griffin
    David Irving
    Tom Metzger
    Jean Marie Le Penn
    Boyd Rice

    and of course Hardeep Singh Koli

  28. breeks Says:

    a bit, yes.

    hypotheticals was and is a top concept and i remember even liking and getting (albeit only some) of it as a child/pre-teen. i liked that a lot of the time fred nile-ish types (racist, homophobic, religious right wingers) would be given the aids-ridden activist role.


  29. Nick T Says:

    James Whale
    John Gaunt

    No, sorry…….

  30. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – I thought it was dead boring. Mind you, I was fourteen at the time, and I don’t think they made it with me in mind. I’d probably like it now.

    I was amazed at the vehemence of Cat Stevens on the clip they showed on that Rushdie documentary. I had no idea he was a fundamentalist tub-thumper with a rod up his arse. I bet his former keyboard player (the fat ethnic fella with the semi-fro who, incidentally, was the coolest keyboard player who’s ever lived) was ashamed at the Cat’s uncool un-catlike book-burning antics.

  31. breeks Says:

    cat stevens is gonna come get you now for calling him cat stevens.

    his name is ISLAM, yeah.

  32. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t care what tin-pot name he’s decided to adopt, the teeth-gnashing, fundamentalist bastard. He’s Cat Stevens, as far as I’m concerned. The idiot.

  33. breeks Says:

    *calls cat stevens

  34. indy Says:

    breeks: sounds like “dilemma” off swedish public service. mid-90s show that was basically a politicians version of “dungeons and dragons” (minus dragons, trolls, ogre and hit point dice). unfortunately it was hosted by smug reactionary and former maoist from the swedish nobility and therefore unwatchable

  35. Tom Laird Says:

    Mr. Islam has had all the clips of him ranting pulled from Youtube.


    It was better than his latest album.

  36. Napoleon Says:

    I note you’re still calling him Cat Stevens. If I’m in the shit for calling Cat Stevens ‘Cat Stevens’, then you are too.

    *tries ringing Cat Stevens first*

    Shit, it’s engaged …

  37. Tom Laird Says:

    I don’t think his name’s Cat Stevens either.

    Isn’t it Costas Popadopoulis

    or Bert Smith?

  38. breeks Says:

    *chats to cat stevens about the weather*

  39. indy Says:

    *calls dog “stevens” – dog doesn’t react – calls dog “rover” – dog wags tail*

  40. Napoleon Says:

    He should go back to singing stuff sitting on a stool with that keyboard player punching the air in the background.

  41. indy Says:

    yusuf islam. right?

  42. Napoleon Says:

    He’s not even called Cat Stevens? Bloody hell. Can’t the man make up his fucking mind?

  43. Tom Laird Says:

    I think his new one is

    Shamanism Williams

  44. breeks Says:

    naps – right, be home tomorrow night around 7pm. cat’s coming to visit.

  45. Napoleon Says:

    I’m not scared of Cat Stevens.

  46. Tom Laird Says:

    Sorry….that’s old news…He’s done a Prince and changed it to a Symbol consisting of a stylised academic Infidel being beheaded.

  47. Tom Laird Says:

    I bet he’s a nightmare down his local.

  48. breeks Says:

    naps – he believes in foreigners, and in what foreigners believe. also, i think he probably eats halal.

  49. Tom Laird Says:

    I never eat Halal…it’s not Kosher….er..

  50. Napoleon Says:

    I eat loads of halal meat. It’s unavoidable seeing as 90% of the kebab shops in this town are owned by Muslims. Tastes no different to me.

  51. breeks Says:



  52. indy Says:

    np: “Tastes no different to me.”

    well it’s not you that gets your throat cut while hanging upside down.

  53. Napoleon Says:

    Getting back to Newsnight Review, I wonder if Paxman – off camera – just sits there shaking his head in disgust as this shower of gasbagging toerags waffle on about Turner Prizes and Whitbread winners. I bet he does. Paxman strikes me as the kind of man that would hold the opinions of Tony Parsons in contempt.

  54. Napoleon Says:

    Indy – Hey, don’t take it out on me. It’s not my fault that animal cruelty’s sanctioned as long as it’s in the name of religion, is it? Plus, the nearest Turkish-owned kebab shop’s bloody miles away. And they don’t serve lamb tikka kebabs served in naan breads. Mmmm … lovely.

  55. breeks Says:

    am sure marina hyde writes the restaurant reviews for that pinnacle of journalism, Metro.

    very sure, actually.

  56. indy Says:

    np: you’re forgiven.

    and, by the way, how much is that lamb tikka kebab in naan bread?

  57. myopiniononstuff Says:

    There was a feature on Sky News this morning about China eating ickle kittens.

    Sod the long range missile being launched by N Korea and the N.Ireland peace process, China folk eat kittens for lunch.

  58. Mel Says:

    Nappers – *everyone* should hold the opinions of Tony Parsons in cotempt – the man is a tool. He was shagging/ married to Julie Birchill once FFS.

    But you are WRONG about Tom Paulin. I could listen to that man read the phone book. They should make those speaking books using Tom Paulin. And i think you’ll find he is one of the more reasonable panel members.

    You lot are mistaking Newsnight review with Countdown’s dictionary corner – Richard Digence. Tsk.

  59. breeks Says:

    MOOS – seems fair, really, as they eat puppies too. inclusive cuisine, innit.

  60. Napoleon Says:

    Metro’s shit. Every time I get on the bus and there’s one next to me, I initially think, ‘Oh, good. Something to read.’ Then I read the bugger and am reminded that I should make the effort to take my own reading material on board. No idea who does our Metro’s restaurant review as I don’t read restaurant reviews. It’ll be some ponce.

  61. breeks Says:

    naps – yeah, marina ‘ponce’ hyde

  62. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – Your orientals eat some disgusting stuff. I can’t remember which lot it is, but one nation boils cats alive. Nice, eh?

    Mel – No, he’s an arsehole. And I reckon he’d die like Dracula if you thrust a Roy Chubby Brown DVD in his face.

  63. Mel Says:

    They should let Breeks, Piqued and i do the restaurant reviews, that’d bebetter i think. Not to mention i would get paid to eat out on an expense account.

  64. Mel Says:

    But his sing song accent is dreamy. I would love him to read me bedtime stories every night. His poetry isn’t all that though IMHO

  65. indy Says:

    breeks: i like marina hyde’s columns in the guardian. she writes the celeb diarys, correct me if i’m wrong.

  66. Napoleon Says:

    There’s nothing dreamy about his monged-out drawl. Puts my hackles up, so it does. Why can’t he just get on with it, eh? No, he should be fired from a cannon at a brick wall.

  67. Mel Says:

    nappers – most things get your hackles up, i do not consider that to be a comprehensive review

  68. breeks Says:

    indy – sometimes, yes. and they’re sometimes good.

  69. Mel Says:

    indy – correct, she does indeed. She got sued by Elon John for one she did on him.

  70. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Has anyone seen Channel 4’s The TV Show, a yoof orientated show aimed at middleaged old bats from useless pressure groups such as ‘mothers against children sneezing unattended’. That’s what I call crap.

  71. Mel Says:

    Uh that is, of course Sir Elton John, not his less famous cousin Elon.

  72. breeks Says:

    gawd i’m bored today. i cannot get anything useful done, not even come up with summat interesting to say here.


  73. Tom Laird Says:

    Tom Paulin reading the phone book?

    The Horror! The Horror!

    It take him all year to read one line the stammering twat.

  74. breeks Says:

    oh, can someone explain the appeal of jackanory, please? i was introduced to it over the weekend.

  75. Tom Laird Says:

    Elton John?

    Isn’t his name Bert Smith or Kwame Kwack Armagh?

  76. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Can’t stand Morley. Like you say, awful stream of consciousness reviews, the most self-indulgent and ineffectual writing style you could choose. But at least it saves you having to do some proper criticism. At least he’s out of the NME now, maybe he’ll grow up. Also, Urban Outfitters is where all of the young Hooray Henry brigade shops, making Hyde following Morley pretty paradoxical.

    AAAANYWAY, it was still good otherwise, yeah? So here’s the buggers I’d line up for rants on the sofa:

    Christopher Hitchens
    Lord Thurso
    Dame Edna Everage
    Eric Morcambe
    Margaret Thatcher

  77. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Is it the abstract time of the day, or still too early?

  78. Tom Laird Says:

    It just had that reassuring bedtime story quality.

    Aaaaaaaahhh Snoozzzzzzzzzzzze

  79. Mel Says:

    Having a speech impediment should be no barrier to reading out loud. I used to have someone that would do that for me. It was very soothing, and he was German, so some of the words came out funny. It was still very nice indeed. I think you lot are being harsh. I would rather listen to Tom Paulin than any of the circus freaks listed above any old day of the week.

  80. John Q Wagonwheel Says:


  81. Mel Says:

    breeks – this was probably also the appeal of jackanory – like story time, but on your telly and read by famouses

  82. breeks Says:

    i love the sound of alan rickman’s voice. his tones have been enough for me to fancy him for years despite the declining quality of his teeth and gums.

  83. Tom Laird Says:


    Tom Paulin obviously makes you moist. So you are hardly objective on this one.

    Though I admit he’s not the worst reviewer on NR.

  84. indy Says:

    rickman is ace in die hard!

  85. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Worst has to be Anthony Horowitz, who chimes in looking befuddled every time he’s pointed at, only to smarmily agree with what was said before and then try to sound balanced by adding a meaningless negative/positive/opposite of what the other person said.


    Tom Paulin: Ahh n-no. I foind his stoyl int-intraaaansigent and boooooring.
    Horowitz: Oh? Me? Yeah, his style really is awful. But let’s be fair, the font on the cover was quite good.

  86. Mel Says:

    Tom – as i have mentioned previously, he is one of the best on there. Although when something does rile him, he doesn’t pull his punches.

  87. Swineshead Says:

    Anthony Horowitz? Ad Rock?

  88. Tom Laird Says:

    John Sessions Impersonation of Rickman on QI was spot on.

    ” …Alan manages to speak without his lips ever ever touching his teeth.”

  89. Swineshead Says:

    Paulin’s not even on Newsnight Review any more.

  90. breeks Says:

    Tom – exactly.


  91. Napoleon Says:

    Die Hard’s a cracking film. I bet Tom Paulin doesn’t like it.

  92. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I’d like to make a tent out of Tom Paulin’s skin based purely on the fact his name sounds like….tarpaulin!

    I’d put him up as an installation in the Tate Modern and have his exposed hide review it.

  93. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Failed to turn up for too many shows due to impatient taxi drivers?

    Paulin. I-I-I waaaaant yoooou, in this…this taaaaaaxi of yooooirs. I waaaant thaaaat in this taaaxi, yoooou taaake me, taake me in this taaaaxi, this taaaxi of yooours.

    Driver: Right, piss of you boring little bogtrotter!

  94. Tom Laird Says:

    Who was that Northern English poet bloke they had on Newsnight review a couple of months back?

    He looked and sounded like he took a break from throwing his whippets to come on and do some reviews. He was great.

    I like John Carey as well.

    Go Figure!

    Bring bacK Alison Pearson.

    She gave me wood.

  95. Swineshead Says:

    You’re all being very edgy on the race/country of origin front today, I must say.

    Yes, ‘edgy’.

  96. Napoleon Says:

    “Paulin’s not even on Newsnight Review any more.”

    Did he turn to dust after a cultureless yobbo thrust a Jackie Collins novel at him? Low-brow rubbish is like Kryptonite to these ponces.

  97. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    wasn’t morpurgo was it?

  98. breeks Says:

    pam ayres – there to respond to breaking world issues in the form of verse.

  99. Napoleon Says:

    What race / country of origin front? Where they eat cats?

  100. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    SH – If Chris Ryan can use it for authenticity, so can I.

  101. Mel Says:

    *puts fingers in ears* lalalalalalalalalalalalalalala I can’t hear you.

    Tom Paulin SHOULD still be on newsnight, and i wont hear otherwise. Why isn’t he on any more?

  102. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – Because he’s dead?

  103. Tom Laird Says:

    “OOooarrgghh Eers a little poem oi wrote about Them terorizt attaaacks in Pakistaarn whoil I waz clippin me Usbands toenails.”

    Pam Ayres BTW

  104. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t mind Pan Ayres. She used to turn up on that show that was presented by Isla St. Clair. I think they filmed it in the West Country.

    Unless it was Yorkshire?

  105. Mel Says:

    Nope i just googled. He is still alive. He possibly suffered the same fate as Mark Lawson, who was the better of the presenters in my opinion. I don’t know what that fate was

  106. Tom Laird Says:


    Tom Paulin got himself into a bit of a lather about a positive review by a fellow panelist over a year ago and hasn’t stopped stammering yet.

    Normal service will resume as soon as he does

  107. Mel Says:

    And Tom Laird, i am now racking my brains about that northern poet. It is probably the quite wry one that likes to wear Hawiian shirts, but i’ll be buggered if i can remember his name. You swine

  108. Napoleon Says:

    Can’t be doing with that egg-head Lawson, neither. I occasionally catch that wanky rubbish he does on Radio 4 after the comedy show, and it’s all London this and London that. I’ll be glad when they sack half the BBC and shift the remains to Manchester. It might teach the buggers that there’s a country outside London’s borders that has stuff going on in it too.

  109. Nick T Says:

    Pam Ayres is fantastic, her poems rhyme and everthing.
    Better than that bespectakled scouse chancer on Poetry Please or “Poetry? No thank you if it’s any of yours” as i like to call it.

  110. Tom Laird Says:

    Yep thats the bloke. We just need a name now

  111. breeks Says:

    my housemate spent the weekend in grimsby and came home unhappy.

    he said it were grim, like. nowt to do but fight and drink.

  112. myopiniononstuff Says:

    You don’t mean that daft ‘punk poet’ Simon Armitage do you? I hated that bastard during my GCSEs.

  113. indy Says:

    arsenal-burnley yesterday, anyone?

  114. Tom Laird Says:

    Manchester. Isn’t that where The Guardian comes from?

    Wasn’t Karl Marx Mancunian?

  115. Tom Laird Says:

    I don’t think punks wear hawaiin shirts.

    This geezer looks a bit like a slightly younger fatter Mike Harding

  116. Tom Laird Says:


    I have noted somewhat belatedly that you “will be buggered” if you remember his name.

    Is that really an incentive?

  117. Mel Says:

    and he is from Lancashire IIRC. The Hawaiian shirt poet.

  118. indy Says:

    Tom Laird:

    according to homer simpson it is only gay men and big fat party monsters who wear hawaii shirts.

  119. breeks Says:

    i once convinced all other members of a jury i sat on to wear hawaiian shirts on the day we were to give our judgement. bit of a high-profile political ‘someone lied to a royal commission and someone committed suicide as a result’ type thing.

    anyway, made the papers. hawaiian shirts.


  120. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – Grimsby’s a shitheap, but you can get some good fish there. One of the most amusing things about the place is the replica they have of St. Mark’s Campanile in Venice. It’s not fooling anyone.

  121. Mel Says:

    Tom, i am now on a mission. Google is not my friend, because typing in hawaiian shirt english poet does not reveal much. Bugger you, I say.

  122. indy Says:

    “In 1965, Bill Foster, Sr., president of the Hawaii Fashion Guild, led the organization in a campaign lobbying for “Aloha Friday”, a day employers would allow men to wear aloha shirts on the last business day of the week a few months out of the year. Aloha Friday officially began in 1966, and young adults of the 1960s embraced the style, replacing the formal business wear favored by previous generations. By 1970, aloha wear had gained acceptance in Hawaii as business attire for any day of the week.”

  123. Nick T Says:

    Roger McGough, that’s the fella. Makes me want to kill

  124. Mel Says:

    Well, i found out that Mark Lawson went off to the National Gallery, but still no word on Lancastrian, Hawaiian shirt clad poets. I only have another hour for this today.

  125. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – I’ve known for some time you’re talking about Ian McMillan. I thought I’d just make you sweat.

  126. Napoleon Says:

    And he’s not Lancastrian. As he never tires of telling people, he’s from Barnsley.

  127. Mel Says:

    That’s the one NC, thanks. You have done wonders for my sanity.

  128. Tom Laird Says:

    Is he a punk then?

    Or just shite?

    I have no idea. Being Scotch the arts are beyond me.

    Just thought he was a bit out of place on Newsnight review. And alright.

  129. Mel Says:

    Breeks – lovin’ your work re the shirts.

  130. Mel Says:

    Tom – he is a panel show whore. I have also seen him on Buzzcocks and have i got news for you. He is quite quick though, and astute.

  131. breeks Says:

    for lunch i am having finn crisps dipped into a jar of mrs beeton’s piccalilli.

    i have falled very, very low.

  132. Tom Laird Says:

    I hate Stutes. Send them all back I say.

  133. Napoleon Says:

    Living in Sheffield (and thus being not very far from Barnsley), he appears on our local news about three times a week banging on about Barnsley. He’s both amiable and irritating at the same time.

  134. ugeine Says:

    127 comments? Bah.

  135. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I’ve just had a ham and mustard butty on some bread (can’t recall whether it was brown or white.)

  136. Mel Says:

    Breeks, i had you down as one that would spurn shop bought picallili in favour of home made. We need to get you that restaurant review job pretty quick smart iin order to release you from these doldrums.

    *phones Metro*

  137. breeks Says:

    mel – hurry.

    (actually it’s pretty good. made in suffolk for a newcastle company. is that even allowed?).

  138. Tom Laird Says:

    Talking of reviews.

    I just finished reading ‘Satan Speaks’ By Anton LaVey. Again.

    I thoroughly recommend it as a book at bedtime…
    or even teatime.

    Or anytime…or you know what..just forget it.

  139. Mel Says:

    Nappers – i can see how his schtick would be irritating if he was on my tv often enough. I did not know he was from Barnsley, so i cannot say that he has been on my tv too much.

    Amiating, that is how i would describe it. But then saturation has never been good for anyone – see Jimmy Carr and Russel Brand

  140. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Course that’s who I meant – just got mixed up with morpurgo beacuse both of them write what is basically kids’ poetry.

  141. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Tom Laird – I’m just getting to the end of The Spaceships of Ezekiel and wouldn’t recommend it to anybody.

    You and I should go on Newsnight Review.

  142. ugeine Says:

    SH: Would it be alright for me to do something on that 2005 film Goal?

  143. breeks Says:

    anyone else read ‘the road’ by cormack mccarthy?

    i read most of it before bed last night and had requisitely disturbing dreams about stuff.


  144. Mel Says:

    Breeks – it probably wont be under EEC rules, but we decided to give ourselves opt out in almost everything, so i suppose it is under UK law. They are even allowed to make a hard cheese in Scotchland that they then have the cheek to call cheddar. Wouldn’t have been allowed in my day let me tell you.

  145. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Actually from my line up scrap everage and replace with sir les patterson.

  146. Tom Laird Says:

    No but I have read Blood Meridian


  147. Nick T Says:

    I did a tv piece you know. On It’s Not Easy Being Green. Great Dave

    Angel vid it’s got too.

    *sings Moonlight Shadow*

  148. Mel Says:

    Do you know, that is something i really cannot fathom. Why people (and previously i would have had to include myself in this category, but i have since seen sense) say they do not like a book, and yet insist on reading it to the end. The author is unlikely to change style half way through. You are not suddenly going to be able to ignore all of those stupid plot devices and holes that have been niggling away at you, so why bother finishing it? It is time you will never get back.

    It is the only thing i learned from reading that awful cockrot Atonement, by Ian McEwan. or whoever it was.

  149. breeks Says:

    i Do Not Read mcewan for he is Shit.

  150. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – I’m reading one where this retired Nottinghamshire detective is reinvestigating the disappearence of a girl from a holiday camp near Whitby. It’s alright.

  151. Mel Says:

    Nick T – that programme is based on a flawed argument. It *is* easy being green, because being green is about not using up resources. Use less, you use up less. You don’t need to be all middle class and have a waterwheel in your smallholding. It probably isn’t easy getting to a place in life where you can afford to so that.

    Being as tight as arseholes is the greenest thing you can do, and it isn’t difficult. And saves you money.

    Can you tell that has made my bladder temperature rise quite a bit?

  152. Mel Says:

    yes breeks, he certainly is. bastard.. McEwan, not Breeks.

  153. Tom Laird Says:

    For real entertainment read

    Rants and Incendiary Tracts: Voices of Desperate Illumination 1558-Present.
    An Anthology of 56 Rants

    It includes “The Monstrous Regiment of Women” By John Knox. A man clearly ahead of his time.

  154. ugeine Says:

    I can’t start a new book without finishing the one I’m on, even if it’s poor or I’ve lost interest. I haven’t read anything for a month because I’ve got bored of Carpe Jugulum.

  155. Mel Says:

    Tom Laird, that sounds a bit like the comments section on here, to be fair.

  156. Napoleon Says:

    ‘First Blast of the Trumpet Against the Monstrous Regiment of Women’ is one of my favourite rants. That Knox was a miserable shithouse.

  157. Napoleon Says:

    I usually have two on the go. One for the toilet (war, usually, or boring political biography), and one for elsewhere (detectives, maniac Nazi sharks, badly-written US legal thrillers, etc.).

  158. Mel Says:

    But why ugeine? why bother when you could be reading a good book, or socialising or even picking your bottom? All of these pursuits are ultimately more fulfilling and a better use of your time than reading something you don’t like/ aren’t interested in.

  159. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Well, Nick Tann, I’ve done a couple of idiotic, monstrously ill-informed attempts at ‘satire’ on my blog. One of them, about the IRA, is particuarly tasteless. Mel will like it, I think.


    (I’m still waiting for the next brilliant Science installment from Perrywinkle, by the way.)

  160. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – I’m wrestling with The Theory of Relativity at the moment. These boffins don’t half make stuff complicated.

  161. Mel Says:

    well dave, since the only difference between poor taste and sattire is time, i think i’ll leave you to it for now, but thanks for thinking of me.

  162. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I’m rerading two books at the same time too. One about spaceships being in the bible, and another called ‘The Last Don’ by Godfather person Mario Puzo.

    Neither’s rocking my world but I paid for them and so I’ll force my way to the end.

  163. Mr H Says:

    I like it when that homosexualist, posh English tory MP fella is on [nips off to Google]

    Michael Gove. He’s good he is. Plus, despite the fact that he gives every indication of being a homosexualist Englishman, it turns out that not only was was born in Embra and adopted by an Aberdonian fish merchant, but he’s married with kids! Amazing.

    Which is just about the maddest thing I have ever heard. Where the hell did he get the posh Etonian voice from? Fit whaurs the quinie. Whaur’s yer gansey? That’s how he should be speaking.

    I’ve decided to adopt him.

  164. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Mel – how dare you?

  165. Mel Says:

    Join the library. You get the books for free, and then would feel much less obligated to finish the shit ones.

  166. breeks Says:

    mel – well, actually, i am a bastard by definition, as it happens. no harm.

  167. breeks Says:

    hmmm. to clarify – i’m not the despicable kind, i’m the ‘my mum said it was the 70s and everyone was at it’ kind.

  168. ugeine Says:

    Mel: USually because I’ve spent money on it, that’s about the only reason. It’s the same with TV, films and books, even if it’s crap I’ll keep watching it / eating it to the end.

    Nothing obsessive or anything, and a few times I’ve been pleasently surprised and found that on reflection the thing was a lot more enjoyable. Reqium for a Dream, for example, bored the tits off me for the first thirty minutes and by the end I was hanging off my seat with my jaw open, frantically pointing a the screen. Fight Club as well, actually. And The Wire started off pretty slowly.

    Don’t you ever think of all the things you’ve put down / stopped watching and think ‘crap, that could have turned out to be alright if i’d have given it more time?’

  169. Tom Laird Says:

    Knox was indeed a miserable Twat. He used to get invited round the Queen’s house for tea and scones and spend hours hectoring and lambasting her. His ZZ Top- esque beard bespattered in bits of jam and cream.

    ” Another French Fancy Mr. Knox?”

    “Yer Grace should Ken that I hae had enough o French fancies and furthermore that yer grace is papish strumpet…I will hae another tea cake tho.

    He was an early Scotch version of Osama bin Laden. Even looked like him.

  170. Mel Says:

    Oh, but you are not the “i will steal precious hours of people’s lives by making them read my awful shit because i know how to play the system and win shit awards and accolades for my utter utter tripe, fooling people into believing that they will enjoy the read” type are you Breeks? No, i didn’t think so.

  171. breeks Says:

    no, mel, not today anyway.

  172. Mel Says:

    Ugeine – not really. Always better to regret something you didn’t finish, than to regret something that you wasted too much time on, and then kept going until way past the point that it should have been shot for it’s own good, but instead you are left bitter and twisted about the time you will never see again.

    Bit like relationships really.

  173. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Mel – What if it was a gift from a relative suffering a chronic illness?

  174. Nick T Says:

    I agree with you entirely Mel, as you would see if you read the bloody thing.
    This is very funny
    Watch out Naps!

  175. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve read ‘The Last Don’. It was shit. Not as shit as some pretentious bit of offal I read called ‘The Book Thief’, mind. How that crap got published is beyond me.

  176. ugeine Says:

    Mel: I think we can use this to both our advantages here. Give us a list of everything you never finished, and I’ll read / watch it through and tell you if it’s any kop.

  177. Tom Laird Says:


    The “REAL” IRA. Who were those other cunts that were trying to shoot me in S. Armagh in 86?

    They had me fooled the twats.

    You can’t trust anything these days

  178. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I realised how talented BPPERRY3 is after reading a very similar, radio station funded blog called the other day and thinking, despite its cult internet status, it was shit.

  179. Napoleon Says:

    I think the ‘Real IRA’ are like the ‘Real Ghostbusters’. Basically the same, only with weird coloured hair.

  180. myopiniononstuff Says:


  181. ugeine Says:

    Really, it is.

  182. Napoleon Says:

    I haven’t read your latest post yet, Dave. It’s hardly an original idea, is it? I’ll bet it’s been done thousands of times before. THOUSANDS.

  183. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Well I thought it was original and clever. I also tried to imagine future steps the IRA would take, such as calling themselves Extreme IRA (like Extreme Ghostbusters), IRA Alpha’, ‘IRA and Friends’ and ’IRA Underground’ .

    I then did a FUNNY IRA logo using Adobe software…

    But I may as well delete the fucker.

  184. Mel Says:

    Ugeine – that is a kind offer, but i have scrubbed them from my mind, unlike Ian McEwan, who i did waste time on, which has left me embittered and unabele to let it go.

    I could start from now on, if you like. I will keep a list of all the things i don’t finish. I will start with Dave’s post on the IRA. Although to be fair, i didn’t actually start that either, and wont bother now that NC gave away the basic premise of the post. Thanks again Nappers, you have been doing a great service to psychology today.

  185. ugeine Says:

    you’ve just gone and posted the entire contents of the post on yourn blog in one of the comment sections of this blog, meaning that none of us (about 95% of your audiance) need to go there now.

    Top stuff.

  186. breeks Says:

    if y’all could only use one swear word from now until forever, no limit on how often you use it but you can only use it and no other, what would it be?

  187. myopiniononstuff Says:


  188. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine’s right. Thanks, Dave, for saving me the time it would take to read your latest post. You should do this more regularly – update us here with a summary so we never have to read your blog ever again.

  189. Mel Says:

    mine would be cockweasel. I really like that and the hard c’s are important. I told a bully boy boss to cock off once after he had yelled at me in the office for not calling him back when i was on holiday. Everyone heard, because hard c’s tend to make people look at the source.

  190. breeks Says:

    it’s tricky. i’m fairly sure my choice would have to be a hybrid.


    *thinks on the swears

  191. myopiniononstuff Says:

    You’ve all broken my heart today.

  192. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – I may as well top m’self if that idea became law. Erm … shithouse? Shitbag? Aresehole? I can’t decide …

  193. Mel Says:

    can we do good swears on TV for the friday question? It is probably the next time i shall be around.

  194. breeks Says:

    i say cock, mostly, when things go wrong. and when people go wrong.

    i like cnut, though, as it’s sharp, like mel says.

    fuck can’t be denied its place in satisfying things to say.

    saying ‘jesus’ or ‘christ’ really upsets my parents so i quite enjoy saying that, too.


  195. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Are linked sausages actually one giant sausage or many sausages attached together by a common skin?

  196. Tom Laird Says:

    I would use the word “Galoway” to swear.

    Especially to describe any balding perma-tanned mustachioed scotch arsehole who had a radio show

  197. Napoleon Says:

    Tom – That’s fairly specific. If you cut out the Scotch and moustachioed bits, that would be the perfect description of that twat Derek Hatton too. Unless he’s not going bald.

  198. Napoleon Says:

    I suppose there’s an argument to say that they’re one giant sausage.

  199. Tom Laird Says:

    Is Degsy still alive?

    He must be bald. Surely Hair is a decadent capitalist frippery.

  200. breeks Says:

    i think the very process of making them into individual parts means they’re sausages. if you didn’t break the filling process then it’s one giant sausage.


  201. Napoleon Says:

    As far as I know he is, yes. The loud-mouthed, militant leftie, ’80s throwback. If he does kick the bucket, I reckon they should get Thatcher to piss on his grave.

  202. ugeine Says:

    Either ‘cn*t’, as it’s a brilliant swear that adds great ephasis to whatever sentence you’re saying. ‘You’re a stupid cn*t’ is better then ‘you’re stupid’.

    Either that, or ‘Meekrab’ purely for the fact it’s a South Park quote.

  203. Moolack III Says:

    Like the Marina Hyde ending *chuckle*. There is something vaginal about her name too. Not sure what though, maybe ‘hy – men’, although I rule in all other mucous membranes.

  204. Tom Laird Says:

    Unfortunately being senile she won’t be able to enjoy it properly.

    She probably does that regular these days.

  205. Napoleon Says:

    She’s lost her marbles, has she? A damn shame. Like King Arthur, I was hoping they were keeping her in reserve when this lot finally sent the country right down the shitter.

  206. ugeine Says:

    Dave: As every sausage is already partly influenced by every other sausage made, I guess no sausage is truly original and that every sausage is every other sausage ever made. Death of the sausage maker, call it.

  207. Tom Laird Says:

    Anyway I would like to save Mrs T. To go for a dump on Tony Booth’s grave.

  208. Napoleon Says:

    I keep thinking Tony Booth’s dead. Then he crops up on something and it turns out he’s still alive. Another fart in the face of a medical profession that insists you’ll die if you live on nothing but booze for forty years.

  209. Tom Laird Says:

    Funny how her and Reagan both went fluffy. I reckon it was all that foreign food they had to eat.

  210. Napoleon Says:

    I put it down to the stress involved in dragging their respective nations from the union-strangled misery of the ’70s and into the shining light of the modern age (or ‘facism’ as left-wingers like to say). Either that or too much CJD-filled beef suppers in the ’80s.

  211. Tom Laird Says:

    What age do they reckon they want people to live to anyway? 147 ?

  212. Swineshead Says:

    I reckon it was all that foreign food they had to eat.

    Really on a roll with this ‘ironic’ xenophobia today, aren’t we?

  213. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t want to live until I’m 147, thanks very much. That’s about 60 year’s worth of having your arse wiped by a disinterested teenager in a municipal old people’s dumping facility. Fuck that.

  214. myopiniononstuff Says:

    And here’s a question I hope you intelligents will be able to answer, because Google won’t, what is another name for ‘hell’s jailer’. It’s a mythical olden times name I need.

  215. Tom Laird Says:


  216. Swineshead Says:

    A thoroughly predictable comeback…

    Suggest you take some deep breaths,

  217. Napoleon Says:

    Charon? Or was that ferry fella?

  218. Tom Laird Says:

    I believe the name you are after is

    Kwame Kwai Arma

  219. Napoleon Says:

    Cerberus? Or was that the dog? It wasn’t Pluto was it?

    *tries to remember mythology*
    *falls on arse*

  220. Mr H Says:

    I used to work for one of Mrs T’s underlings back when she ruled the country. Malcolm Ian Sinclair, 20th Earl of Caithness, he was, a proper 600 year old peerage, that one. None of your jumped up, fat union leaders and money launderers in them days. Shower ‘o shites, the lot of them. Mind you, Malcy was a bit of a wet fish, but you don’t expect people of his sort to mix with the hoi polloi, so props to him for making the effort. They were the good old days….

  221. ugeine Says:

    What in the name of Christ are people talking about?

  222. Napoleon Says:

    Mr. H – Did you ever get to meet the great woman?

  223. Tom Laird Says:

    Pluto/Hades was indeed the God of the Underworld.

    Don’t know if thats the same as jailer.

  224. Napoleon Says:

    Did the Underworld have a jailer? I thought it was the big man, the three-headed dog and the ferry fella? I can’t remember a jailer.

    Mind you, that’s because I get most of this stuff mixed up. Who was the one who turned into a swan (or a tree) so he could have it off with his own daughter (possibly mother)?

  225. Tom Laird Says:

    I met her in 85. At Chelsea Barracks.

  226. ugeine Says:

    Apparently top of the list of books people pretend to read but never actually have is nineteen eighty four.

    That doesn’t surprise me, as your average Daily Mail reader sees a speed camera, sighs and says ‘oh it’s just like 1984’.

    Maybe if the police came round and shot you in the back of the head for doing 35 on a 30 road, but I can’t see the comparison otherwise.

  227. Napoleon Says:

    I’ll wager you were quaking in your boots, Tom. Or quacking, possibly. Off of your arse.

  228. Swineshead Says:

    ‘great lady’?


  229. Tom Laird Says:

    Zeus/ Jupiter used to get up to that kind of malarkey regularly. Though you would think being A supreme deity he wouldn’t have to bother his arse with such elaborate ruses. I would’ve thought he’d just whip his celestial cock out and have at it.

  230. Mr H Says:

    Well before Hades took control off the underworld, it was some woman called Campe who was the jailer of Tartarus (the proper name for the underworld). Zeus killed her, nicked the keys and freed Zeus his six uncles, the Cyclopes and the Hundred-Handed Giants.

    After they gave the Titans a doing, Zeus sent his enemies down to the lowest depths of Tartarus and decreed that the Titans should remain imprisoned forever. In case they decided to make a break for it, Briareus, Cottus, and Gyges, three Giants with 150 heads among them, stood watch outside the walls.

    The only one not bunged in Hades was Atlas, as he has to carry the heavens on his back, as a special punishment for having led the Titans into battle.

    So there.

  231. Tom Laird Says:

    I was quakeing….I was on the piss the night before and hadn’t done my boots properly.

    Not great swineshead. More Majestic

  232. Mr H Says:

    Mr Perry – yes, just the once, in about ’86. She looked me over and dismissed as something beneath her contempt. Which was right and proper.

  233. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – I’ve read Nineteen Eighty Four off of that list. I tried reading War & Peace, but then realised life’s too short. I wouldn’t wipe my arse with Midnight’s Children, and to this day have no idea what Madame Bovary’s supposed to be about. Ulysses you can shove right up your arse for all I care – the fucking thing’s all one big sentence from the microscopic amount I managed to battle through.

    Why do people need to pretend to other people that they’ve read some poncified book anyway? Who does that impress?

  234. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – Sorry, I forget you lost your job in the pits in the ’80s. Not ‘great lady’ – ‘fascist dictator’. Is that better?

  235. Tom Laird Says:

    Mr. H

    You obviously had a lot of time on your hands at one point.

    You sound like the kind of bloke who plays Dungeons and Dragons. (Live)

  236. Napoleon Says:

    On the subject of Nineteen Eighty Four, I preferred Animal Farm. I liked the talking pigs the best. That bit where they send that talking horse off to the glue factory’s good. Serves it right.

  237. ugeine Says:

    I know, Napoleon, it’s silly to pretend you’ve read books to look intelligent. I was pointing this out to a friend of mine while reading war and peace, having just finished Das Kapital and the Qu’ran.

  238. Mr H Says:

    Tom Laird – no, I’m just very, very old. Although I did use to beat up a lad called George in about 1981 who used to play Dungeons & Dragons. Maybe it was infectious.

  239. Tom Laird Says:

    Than Koran is a thumping good read. I like the bit where Baybee Jesus speaks.

  240. ugeine Says:

    Didn’t Margaret Thatcher very nearly privatise the BBC? The Whore.

  241. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – I battled my way through the Koran (or however it’s spelled this week) a few years back. Bloody nightmare. It left me with wounds to my eyes. Same with the Bible, which is nothing but bloodshed followed by lovey-doveyness, then back to bloodshed at the end. Wish I hadn’t bothered.

  242. ugeine Says:

    The stupid bastard Napoleon (The Pig Napoleon in Animal Farm, not our Napoleon) should have sold the talking horse to a circus. Wouldn’t have been as allegorical, but he would have made more money. My favourite bit was when he pissed on the windmill designs. I’ve always wanted to end an argument by pissing on something.

  243. Tom Laird Says:

    Of course The Koran can never be properly translated into English.

    As Mohamed Pickthal tells you in the introduction to his very excellent “English Translation” of The Koran

  244. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – I can’t remember if she did or didn’t. I was too busy avoiding the stormtroopers, death squads and gas vans of the evil Conservative administration to pay too much attention to what that woman was privatising. Looking back, I’m amazed the Post Office escaped.

  245. Mr H Says:

    At least with the old lot, you knew where you stood. They were infinitely better than you, and would happily sell you into slavery along with your dear old Nan, soon as look at you. They were proudly corrupt, completely open about their disdain for you, and treated you as the filth you were.

    This lot pretend to be lovely, fluffy bunnies, whilst simultaneously raping you up the arse and asking you to thank them for it. Give me the good old fashioned class system any day. We ruled the bloody world because of it, and the world was better for it. Well, better for me, anyway. And that’s really all that matters.

  246. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – You’ve got a point there. Napoleon and his minions could have made a bloody fortune lumping all those talking animals round in a huge travelling animal freak show. Why didn’t that idiot Orwell think of that?

  247. Tom Laird Says:

    I believe the correct spelling of The Koran is “££$&***)&__+” and it is actually pronounced ££$%6^^

  248. ugeine Says:

    More to the point, why was the original farmer getting pissed every night when he already knew that his animals could not only talk but had the brainpower to plot of bloodless revolution? I mean, Christ, he really dropped the ball on that one. If he didn’t sell them all he could have at least taken a few farms over.

  249. Napoleon Says:

    Next election I’m voting for that turnip who stands at the back in an oversized top hat and clown shoes.

  250. Tom Laird Says:

    What the farmer should have done was offer Napoleon his own radio show or a seat in the House of Lords. Hey Presto! Revolution over.

  251. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – I reckon that farmer missed a trick. I mean, they’re always moaning they’ve got no money (whilst sitting on a vast pile of gold in the fashion of a dragon), and yet here’s the perfect opportunity to make a fortune. If I had a farm’s worth of talking animals, I reckon six years tops would see me safely into a very comfortable retirement. The idiots.

  252. Napoleon Says:

    While we’re on the subject of dusty old books, Victor Frankenstein should have given in to that monster’s demands and made him a woman. He’d have saved himself a lot of bother, though I admit the book wouldn’t have been that great.

  253. Tom Laird Says:

    I try not to criticise farmers with my mouth full. Even if they are shooting ramblers, shagging their daughters or feeding dead bodies to their livestock.

  254. Tom Laird Says:

    Should have made the Monster female in the first place. Then would have at least got a shag out of it. What was he thinking?

  255. Napoleon Says:

    Or nailing rabbit heads to poles in deepest, darkest Lincolnshire …

    *shudders at the memory*

  256. Napoleon Says:

    I’m not sure I’d have wanted to shag the reanimated corpse of a woman with the brain of a condemned maniac. Unless she looked like Racquel Welch, obviously.

  257. Tom Laird Says:

    You’re obviously a little more choosey than I am. I’m 42 y know.

  258. Tom Laird Says:

    They say the only way to kill Dracula is a steak through the heart. But surely running him over with a combine harvester would be a start. It must slow him down a bit?

  259. Tom Laird Says:

    Or even a Stake

  260. Napoleon Says:

    Yes but you’re Scotch. Considering your women are hammer-faced midgets with elongated jawbones and the temperament of a cornered warthog, it’s no surprise you’ll climb aboard anything remotely female. Even something that was recently dead and now has a maniac’s brain.

  261. Napoleon Says:

    I think Dracula disappears in a puff of all bats, doesn’t he? If you tried running him over with a combine harvester, he’d just turn into all bats. Or is it flies?

  262. Napoleon Says:

    Well I never …

  263. Tom Laird Says:

    Surely he could go all bats when you tried to stab him through the ticker with a pointy stick. Anyway I’m not sure bats are immune to blades.

  264. Tom Laird Says:

    Hmm there’s no flies on these boffin type blokes is there? Wonder what size of grant he got for that one.

  265. Napoleon Says:

    Yes, but it might be flies, Tom. If it’s flies, then they can go in between the blades and escape back to Dracula’s castle in Whitby (or wherever it was). As for the stake thing, I think that’s his Achilles heel, isn’t it? That and garlic and sunlight. Or is the garlic made up? I always thought it was weird that somebody as ‘orrible and powerful as Dracula could be brought low by a bulb.

  266. Napoleon Says:

    For finding out teenagers like to sleep late and get up late? God knows. You’d hope it’d be a lot for discovering something as earth-shattering as that.

    Next up I heard they’re going to research whether staying up all night makes you good for nothing the next day or not.

  267. Tom Laird Says:

    So it’s his heel now not his heart. These vampires can’t make their mind up.
    I don’t think garlic kills him. It just fucks him off. Much in the same way it does me when my girlfriends been eating it.
    The sunshine is a certainty. That’s why he unlives in Whitby.

  268. breeks Says:

    i got off for an hour to chair a meeting (ie: scoff at the fucking idiots who respond to every request with, ‘sorry it’s not my remit’ i FUCKING HATE REMIT) and look, you’ve come over slightly good.

    animal farm was v sad but not as sad as charlotte’s web. and i hated tess of the d’ubervilles. hardy was a sop. and tess was a slag.

  269. Tom Laird Says:

    Isn’t Thumper working on why Italians crash cars?

  270. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve just remembered he doesn’t get on with Holy Water neither. Vampires have a hell of a lot of things that can harm ’em, don’t they?

  271. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – My other half bangs on about Charlotte’s Web. Is it a bit like Babe? That pig one?

  272. Tom Laird Says:

    They could get Van Helsing a course in plumbing. Then in an elaborate Inspector Cluseau type ruse, fit Dracula’s pipes to a massive tank of holy water. Then he could massacre himself whilst performing his evening ablutions.

  273. Napoleon Says:

    Do vampires have baths?

  274. Tom Laird Says:

    They must do. Otherwise instead of charming young ladies at dinner parties they’d just make everybody retch with the stench of 1000 year old B.O

  275. Napoleon Says:

    Put like that, I think you’re right. Leaves ’em a bit vulnerable though, don’t it?

    I hadn’t realised just how shit vampires were until today.

  276. Nick T Says:

    I love that “Down and out in London and Paris” that was a nicely book that.

  277. Tom Laird Says:

    Actually they could just get the Pope or Cliff Richard to piss on him while he’s standing next to them at the urinals.

  278. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve not read that. I tried reading the Wigan one, but then gave up when it turned out to be shit. I’ve read all the Dickenses, even the preposterous French Revolution one. Hard Times was my favourite because it reminded me of the grim Northern childhood I was enjoying until we moved to the sophisticated, Space-Age world of Lincolnshire.

  279. Napoleon Says:

    Surely Dracula would have thought of that and used the pooing toilet with the lock on the door? The one with all the bog roll on the floor and shit up the walls?

  280. breeks Says:

    naps – it’s alright. a bit babe-ish but with a spider instead. a really nice spider, called charlotte. who has a web.

  281. Tom Laird Says:


    That sounds a bit shit. A spider…with a web…As opposed to what? A Cottage in Provence.

  282. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – How’s it sad then? Does the spider get walloped?

  283. Tom Laird Says:

    Does it lose all but one of it’s legs in a tragic combine harvester accident?

  284. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I had a cheese before that was both a red cheese and a blue cheese, all at the same time. It was a good cheese.

  285. Napoleon Says:

    I had some of that orange cheese Swineshead and Piqued refuse to believe exists. Lovely and orange it was. Orange.

  286. breeks Says:

    the spider has many words of wisdom to share with the world. she writes ’em on her web. and she’s friends with a pig. and the pigs gonna get killed. so the spider writes stuff on her web to make the farmer think the pig’s well smart.

    the pig lives.

    if i’m not wrong charlotte buys the farm, not in the literal sense, obv. spiders can’t afford farms.

  287. breeks Says:

    is it just me or is WWM spasticating on refresh?

  288. Mr H Says:

    Don’t open up the whole cheese debate again. It’s orange, it’s shrink-wrapped, deal with it.

  289. breeks Says:

    is it just me or is WWM spasticating on refresh?

  290. Nick T Says:

    I find it often does at around this time Breeks

  291. Napoleon Says:

    Mine’s buggering up too.

  292. Napoleon Says:

    Anybody been able to enter a comment recently?

  293. breeks Says:

    haven’t tried.

    it’s too BORING now. i might go home in a bit.

  294. Napoleon Says:

    Huzzah! Why does it stop working at around the same time every day? Is it this traffic business I keep hearing about? Is it? Yes, but is it?

  295. Nick T Says:

    *fucks off home*

  296. Tom Laird Says:

    Is there anyone? Anyone? In this universe who finds Richard Digance amusing? Apart from a fat bloke in Ayrshire?

  297. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t mind Richard Digance. He was alright in the ’80s when there was nowt else on.

  298. Tom Laird Says:

    Hang on. Snooker was on. And darts. Two of the only ‘sports’ the Scotch excel at.

    And Elephant Polo

  299. Napoleon Says:

    I had enough of snooker when I stayed with my great grandmother. The woman was snooker bloody mad.

  300. Tom Laird Says:

    I never said it was entertaining. It just beats Digance.

    Spearhead was on as well.

    You can get that on DVD now.

  301. Anthony Says:

    It’s been a while since they’ve had Tom Paulin on. Newsnight Review’s Grumpy Old Man, I often wondered if he liked anything. At all. Ever.

  302. ugeine Says:

    I like snooker. It’s a bit like a screensaver. Perfect to watch when you’re alcoholed up and collapsed, semi comatose, in front of a screen.

    (That goes for both snooker and a screensaver).

  303. Jenny Says:

    Your description of Marina Hyde warms the cockles of my heart – she does my head in – if I let myself stop to think for a second about the fact she gets paid to write her patronising, obvious, snobbish, ill-researched drivel, I’ll – aargh – there goes another gasket.

    Re Kirsty Wark. We’ve noticed her to get ever so slightly more slurry as the programme progresses. And Alan Hansen does exactly the same thing, at the same rate.

  304. Swineshead Says:

    Maybe Wark and Hansen are fashioned from the same borg? A faulty model, n’doubt.

  305. Webcam Teen Chat Says:

    Of course everyone called her Chrissy.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: