Just A Thought: TV Coppers


Unless I’m wrong and they’ve changed the rules thanks to all these Elf ‘n’ Safety Nazis (© R. Littlejohn – You Couldn’t Make it Up Industries, USA), isn’t the retirement age for a UK policeman on or below the rank of Chief Inspector 60? If so, how’s that old bastard Jack Frost managed to stay under the radar? Surely he’s in his 70s now, isn’t he?

And what about Dalziel off of Dalziel and Pascoe? He’s not in his fifties, surely? Both Warren Clarke and David Jason were adults working on the telly and in films when my mother was a teenager, never mind me. How come they’re still allowed to play policemen at their age? Isn’t it time their roles were handed to younger, more believable blood?

I mean, you’ve not got Sean Connery doddering on screen, trailing his catheter bag behind him, still claiming he’sh Bond, Jamesh Bond when he’s clearly about twenty minutes away from the having the Grim Reaper kick his door down and inform him the game’s up. No, he knew when to throw in the towel (if you ignore Diamonds Are Forever – IGNORE IT). So why not these craggy old fogies?

I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure I’d be happy if my non-existent wife got murthered and the senior investigating officer turned up stinking of lavender, Fox’s Glacier Mints, Bingo and decay. Fuck that. Get rid of ’em , I say. It’s about time we got some young ‘uns in.

Like Nick Berry.


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70 Responses to “Just A Thought: TV Coppers”

  1. Nick T Says:

    Frost plays by his own rules….

  2. Napoleon Says:

    Well it certainly seems he’s not playing by the rules laid down by the Home Office, Nick. The elderly bastard.

  3. Nick T Says:

    They kept that Haggart bloke on, even after he’d kicked the bucket!

  4. Napoleon Says:

    They did, but he was much youngerer, wasn’t he? Proves my point does that. Probably. These old gits …

  5. ugeine Says:

    You hit the nail on the head Napoleon. It’s the PC Stasi that want all demographics doing jobs, that’s why you have woman doctors, blind fire fighters and old todgers as coppers. It’s like nineteen eighty four.

  6. Napoleon Says:

    It’s exactly like Nineteen Eighty Four, Ugiene. You really couldn’t make it up if you tried. What next? Old people responsible for school crossings when there’s kids about? It’s political bloody correctness gone bloody mad is this.

  7. Who Says:

    Ah, this is another one of them telly mysteries, like how Heartbeat is still stuck in the 1960’s after 25 sodding years. And how Reg Varney (gawd rest him) got away with chasing around like a randy young thing, despite being in his 50’s.

  8. Napoleon Says:

    I think Heartbeat’s stuck in the ’60s because nobody told ’em the ’60s had finished. It’s actually 2009 in Adensfield.

  9. Swineshead Says:

    It’s been axed, hasn’t it?
    Or is about to be.

    Be still, beating Heart (beat).

  10. lemondrizzle Says:

    This may be a little bit OT, but I was watching Life on Mars the other day after all the fuss that was made about it, and it seemed to be a just a swearier, sweatier Heartbeat.

  11. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I really enjoyed Murphy’s Law and wish they’d make some more of them.

    Detective John Barnaby (John Nettles) from Midsomer Murders always goes great with a brew and a rich tea biscuit too.

  12. Napoleon Says:

    Anyway. You look at Morse now. ITV did the sensible thing and replaced the original one with that fella off of Peak Practice. He’s Morse now, and I for one haven’t noticed any significant changes to the basic Morse plot:

    Real ale
    Oxford don
    Romance goes tits-up
    Real ale
    Murder solved

  13. Nick T Says:

    Jonathon Ross is watching his dogs….bye bye wossy….

  14. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – I think it has been axed thanks to the downfall of Yorkshire TV. The Royal – which was a shitter Heartbeat with no coppers – has also been shafted.

  15. Swineshead Says:

    I didn’t get on with Life on Mars. Overrated.

    The only police show I’ve watched religiously is Quincy – mainly because i was a student and it was always on.

  16. Swineshead Says:

    Poor old Yorkshire TV. How’s Yorkshire Tea faring?

  17. myopiniononstuff Says:

    And then they made The Royal, a series whose single strength was it being set in the 60s, all modern making it a shit version of Holby City.

    Law and Order| UK is brilliant though. Goodbye The Bill.

  18. Napoleon Says:

    I think they should knit all these old shows together to make one all-conquering Sunday night behemoth that makes all others cower in terror before its mighty heart-warmingness:

    Bornandbredheartbeatkissangellovejoyoftheglenroyalgreatandsmall To Candleford

  19. Napoleon Says:

    Yorkshire Tea’s faring well, as far as I’m aware. It even does a version for your mob down there in London with your rubbish hard water that tastes like it’s had a dirty chisel standing in it for a week.

  20. myopiniononstuff Says:

    They did. It was called ‘Where The Heart Is’, the ultimate soap actor’s graveyard.

  21. Napoleon Says:

    Did they, Dave? Was it the heart-warming tale of a cheery district nurse finding romance in a quirky Irish village where the local roguish antiques dealer is always trying to get one over on the prudish parish priest who has a secret crush on the local veterinary surgeon’s daughter who’s already engaged to the village GP whose father is pursuing the saucy middle-aged landlady of the local pub whose son is soon to be married to the handsome son of the local lord of the manor?

  22. Napoleon Says:

    That’s right – GAY MARRIAGE.

    Read it and weep, Littlejohn.

  23. myopiniononstuff Says:

    NC – By the way, I emailed my sister and your Olden Days post and it’s causing something of a storm around the University of Manchester labs.

  24. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I didn’t email your Olden Days post, I emailed it. Wait, that adds no clarity at all.

    I emailed it to somebody.

  25. Napoleon Says:

    You posted science people something about history instead of my in-depth, ongoing studies into science?

  26. Swineshead Says:

    Son, skunk, sob-story:


    BOO HOO.

    How do we make these arseholes shut up?

  27. ugeine Says:

    ‘The only police show I’ve watched religiously is Quincy’

    *kicks SH out of the wire re – enactment club*

    *re-ups the package*

  28. Mr H Says:

    The last UK TV police programme I watched was “Telecrime”.

    The episode, “The Case of the Gentle Accomplice”, was particularly fine, in which a fragrant young lady was mesmerised by a stage illusionist into gently relieving aristocrats of their cravats whilst being serenaded by Al Bowlly.

    Even better, it only lasted 15 minutes. Proper telly, no waffle.

  29. myopiniononstuff Says:

    NC – Your investigations into the world of science would go over their tiny little scientist minds.

  30. myopiniononstuff Says:



  31. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – Thanks for drawing my attention to that self-pitying, whimpering excuse for a man. It’s great to know he’s being paid to navel gaze over fuck all but a bone-idle teenage boy in a national newpaper.

    I could fart out a more entertaining article than that.

  32. ugeine Says:

    SH: I wish I knew. If you come up with an idea, I’ll help.

  33. Napoleon Says:

    His boy sounds like he’s in danger of descending into a Pot Frenzy Freak Out if he’s not careful. I hear it causes teenagers to sit around in their underpants watching epsiodes of Murder She Wrote and then eating some beans.

  34. ugeine Says:

    ‘This is cannabis. It stops you, it rips out normal reactions, normal kindness, normal motivation’

    Sensationalist shite. It really fucks me off.

  35. Swineshead Says:

    It’s the way they’ve made it a ‘current affair’ that gets my goat. And skewed the whole argument over the criminal classification of skunk the wrong bloody way.

    Even worse, the commenters attacking that wet drip of a man who wrote the article were indirectly sent there by the Daily Mail… it was them who got this argument started in the first place.

    It’s filling me with so much rage I may have to resort to smoking industrial strength, plutonium-laced hyperskunk just to calm my nerves with their sweetly schizophrenic super-THC crystals. It’s da bomb!

  36. Swineshead Says:

    Nappers – quite true. Cards on table – to my shame I have smoked this hyperskunk myself and it was so strong I stubbed my toe on a skirting board whilst in ‘a bit of a muddle’ and, unforgivably, I went into a bit of a trance during Watercolour Challenge.

  37. Napoleon Says:

    Don’t forget, Ugeine, that according to certain American scientists with Brillianteened hairstyles, pot also causes sex before marriage, killing frenzies, a descent into internal madness, a desire to grow one’s hair below the collar and, most worrying of all, an interest in watching repeats of Benson in your underpants.

    It’s about time they banned this filth.

  38. Nick T Says:

    The best youtube clip I’ve found this year.
    Work safe but wonderfuly racist http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0k5yOSD0tG8&feature=related

  39. ugeine Says:

    It’s the same old argument. I’ve heard it plenty of times before. It’s not my fault I’m a fucking disgrace, it’s all down to the fact I smoke this plant. I have no self control. Every day I sat on my fat arse watching television, I physically couldn’t get up and go to school. The plant, through no fault of my own, has ruined my life! It’s got nothing to do with the fact I’m a lazy, unmotivated little bastard.

  40. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – I have to confess that – although I don’t usually indulge because I prefer getting drunk – I did once smoke some of this skunk stuff and descended immediately into Pot Madness. I felt a little peculiar and stumbled backwards into a Morris Minor. It was at that moment my mother realised I was beyond help and threw me out on the streets.

  41. ugeine Says:

    Christ, that was quite angry of me.

    It’s not my fault though, I had a spliff about three days ago.

  42. Napoleon Says:

    I suppose you have to admire their stance that they were trying to protect their younger kids from the evils of cannabis. Thanks to kicking this weed-fuelled creature out of the door, the young ‘uns will never have that peculiar dilemma of trying to work out if they’ve enough time to get to the all-night garage and back for a tin of Heinz All Day Breakfast and eighteen Curly-Wurlys before the start of the concluding episode of a Hart To Hart double bill.

  43. Who Says:

    I can’t be doing with this skunk business, far too fiddly. I am however partial to setting light to a Pot Noodle and inhaling the molten plastic/dried goodness fumes.

  44. Napoleon Says:

    Who – Does it send you into a sex frenzy?

    *crosses fingers for sex frenzy*

  45. Who Says:

    Well, yes, I suppose it does. It’s the crackling noise the dried peas make wot does it.

    I just had to Google Heinz All Day Breakfast. Breakfast! In a tin! Who’d have thought?

  46. breeks Says:

    i thought when you had a spliff/joint/bucket bong that your brain had a party and along with munchies and relaxation and fabulous hallucinations Paranoia and other Shit Things crash it and then everything goes bad and you get sweaty and also fat. s’what the tv shows, on that government ad, yeah.

  47. Napoleon Says:

    Who – You’ve never had a Heinz All Day Breakfast? Love, you haven’t lived.

  48. Swineshead Says:

    Pot Noodle Sex Frenzy… you couldn’t make it up.

    Perhaps my lowest moment – my rock bottom, if you will – was smoking some of this hyperskunk against the advice of scientists from the 50s and spending £1.50 I found on my Mum’s dressing table on Dime bars.

    The shame – but I feel a weight has been lifted (about a teenth).

  49. Who Says:

    I didn’t even know it existed, let alone had one. I’m looking forward to cracking one open soon…

  50. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – That’s what I’d heard. The first bit sounds ace, but the bit that follows sounds rubbish. I think I’ll stick to drink. The worse that’s happened to me on booze is I’ve had my nose broken, been run over twice, been kicked half to death, ended up in the cells, broken the odd bone, fallen in several rivers, lost countless friends, shit m’self, pissed m’self and been stabbed. Sounds much safer than the dreaded weed.

  51. ugeine Says:

    ‘And that’s not all. In your early 20s, the legacy returns in the form of schizophrenia’

    Are you sure this isn’t a spoof letter?

  52. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Frank’s usually pretty accurate, I find.

    Thing is, I used to get paranoid on the skunks. When I was a overtly self-aware teenager with an image problem (like every other teenager).

    Now I’m a fat, adjusted 30 year old who doesn’t care that he looks like a dying tramp, the hyperskunk-induced paranoia has disappeared, bafflingly.

    I love the fact that article says:

    Your problem starts when your child smokes his first skunk.


    Smoking ‘a’ skunk?


  53. Napoleon Says:

    Who – Ideally it should first be encountered stoned. Like the kebab and being drunk, some things are made for one another.

  54. Swineshead Says:

    The worse that’s happened to me on booze is I’ve had my nose broken, been run over twice, been kicked half to death, ended up in the cells, broken the odd bone, fallen in several rivers, lost countless friends, shit m’self, pissed m’self and been stabbed. Sounds much safer than the dreaded weed.

    Made me piss myself laughing.

  55. ugeine Says:

    ‘And they’re right, you don’t need to flog a stereo for a spliff – it costs less than a pint.’

    Yes, it’s got to be a parody.

  56. ugeine Says:

    ‘You just don’t. And, I agree, anecdotally that feels true. But these are adults they’re talking about (and most of them have dropped out, are not being told to get up and go to school at 8am every morning).’

    I think I nearly bust a lung laughing at that one!

  57. Who Says:

    I think I’d have to be pissed to even contemplate it. A scotch egg* that’s been slowly marinating in runny beans.

    *may or may not contain any egg whatsoever

  58. Swineshead Says:

    If I asked any local dealer to sell me a spliff, he’d probably kick me up the arse.

  59. breeks Says:

    whilst i have a deep and enduring love for my skunky-using friends, it has never been a drug of choice for me. mongs me out too much. i go all concrete and then when i get up and move if you’re between me and my bed i’ll eat you on the way.


  60. Napoleon Says:

    Who – It’s a miracle of modern science is the Heinz All Day Breakfast. When I used to go on crime-fuelled pot benders (by watching lots of crime programmes in my underpants), that and Worcester Sauce-flavoured Weat Crunchies were the only thing that kept me from slipping into the abyss of insanity (hunger).

  61. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – I’m with you there. In my case it makes me either throw up or become Lead Man – Lord of the Carpet. The effort involved in dragging m’self to the late night garage for Wheat Crunchies was too much to bare. Now I lurch there, roaring about th-th-th-tha-that b-b-b-bi-bi-bitch at the top of my voice with my trousers round my ankles.

  62. ugeine Says:

    It gives me a burning desire to listen to bands such as Kyuss & Om (which, I’d like to add, sound shit when you’re not monged) and watch brightly coloured children’s cartoons.

    Oh, and eat wotsists.

  63. breeks Says:

    oh, hawkwind’s always good if you’ve gone green.

  64. Swineshead Says:

    I tend to like stupid shit when I’m off my nut – hence my enduring love for everything Frank Zaapa’s ever done.

    And you can’t beat getting battered and watching a decent horror film. Unless it’s Martyrs which I watched last night, which isn’t technically a horror film and is more a procession of the nastiest imagery ever seen onscreen legally.

  65. Edna Welthorpe Says:

    Can I say – far too late in the day as some of us have proper jobs and are very, very old – that Dixon of Dock Green was about 75 and had as much chance of catching a crim as I do of becoming a Vegas showgirl?

  66. Napoleon Says:

    Edna – Don’t forget Dixon rose from the grave to star in that show. Britain had a zombie policeman years before the Maniac Cop film series thought of it. YEARS.

  67. Edna Welthorpe Says:

    Yeah Baby! I forgot that. But then again, I forget everything, and can no longer go to the toilet unaided.

    Is is time for tea, nurse?

  68. ugeine Says:

    ‘that Dixon of Dock Green was about 75 and had as much chance of catching a crim as I do of becoming a Vegas showgirl?’

    That’s probably why he ended up getting shot to pieces by Dirk Bogarde. Didn’t stand a chance really.

  69. Matt Says:

    What exactly is “normal” motivation anyway? Is it available in retail outlets near me?

    re: Coppers. I’ve always had a soft spot for Raffles (I realise he’s not actually a copper) and the copper what tries to nick him like.

  70. extremelisteningmode Says:

    You still get proper coppers in Glasgow. This is not always a good thing as they feel perfectly entitled to knock f*ck out of people at football matches, outside clubs, gatherings of large groups and when no-one is watching. To be fair, it was always sold as part of the job. And it’s usually chavs. So on the whole, I’m not against it.

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