Piers Morgan’s Life Stories: Katie Price

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piers morgan katie price jordan

ITV is many things to many people, but mainly it’s just rubbish. ITV doesn’t give the world much these days, apart from the anomaly of Harry Hill and the occasional Al Murray moment. It’s the gaping hole in the middle of the schedule – a vortex where decent television simply doesn’t occur. It’s television for children and the elderly – bright, flashy and filled with hollow applause. If you find your brain actively engaged by ITV’s output, it’s a sure sign of mental decline.

Piers Morgan’s new show could only be an ITV product, with the third button being the key channel specialising in the kind of glossy dross he tends towards since being kicked out of publishing and having entered the light entertainment arena. When he was at The Mirror, Morgan was a forgivable prick – always managing to rustle up a twinge of sympathy because, for all his myriad flaws, at least he wasn’t the Editor of The Sun. But even in his early days he was caked in the slime of smug self-assurance and seemed to have smarm running through his innards like sap.

His Sunday evening Life Stories vehicle is way beyond the bland rubbish you might expect it to be. In fact, it’s so tedious and vacant, you could be forgiven for thinking your television’s vanished and been replaced with a vague space. You’d actually be better off staring at the wall.

Following on from last week’s episode in which we re-learned that Richard Branson is very rich and smiles a lot, on Sunday evening we were landed with a Katie Price sucker-punch. The show opened, as it does every episode, with Piers talking to camera (or someone just off-camera, to give it an air of reality) about how he wouldn’t avoid any issues and would ask the right questions in order to get us some really meaty answers. Katie, in turn, promised that she would give her all and reply honestly to anything Morgan could throw at her. It was as if, for a second, they actually believed they were about to make some proper television rather than get themselves messy in the overlit, sycophancy-session that followed.

The first topic for discussion was Katie’s apparent schizophrenia and the fact that she ‘misses Jordan’. She made it seem as though the identity she created purely to allow her to build her fortune – using tabloid tittilation and flesh-flashing – had substance. To blur the boundaries between Katie and Jordan even further, ingeniously merging the two personalities, she was then encouraged to show off her jewellery for the cameras like a blinged up material girl. But ultimately it was left unclear, the actual difference between the two. Was it the change of hair colour that signalled the change? Or the graduation from the showbiz pages in the tabloids to the OK and Hello spreads?

We moved on, the question unanswered. They discussed her husband Peter as openly as they could, with the poor sod sitting mere yards away in the audience, wilting bashfully. Throughout the show, Katie talked about Andre as though he’s the randy stalker she fellates out of pity.

‘I can’t have sex seven days a week’, she informed us. ‘so when he gets it, he gets it’. She talked about their shared, sacred moments of intimacy in the functional way you might ask a neighbour to feed the dog while you’re in Cromer for a week’s holiday. In the most non-erotic description of marital relations you’re ever likely to hear, she discussed their first moment of passion and how she stormed his hotel room after the I’m a Celebrity wrap party. He answered the door wearing only a towel, insisting he’d just got out of the shower and hadn’t expected her. ‘I give him a blow job in the toilet’ she declared, smiling at her killer punchline, to the joy of the audience and the sympathetic mugging of Morgan.

The show was interspersed with VT in which members of Katie’s family discussed her rise to fame. Piers’ voiceover could be heard over the top using phrases like ‘Britain’s first couple’ and ‘unlikely modern role model’ – unqualified assertions that slipped by unchallenged, reaffirming brand Katie and making the viewer implicit in the bullshit-flow. To give us a little bit of humanity, Katie’s mum, brother and sister spoke semi-candidly about her implants and how her investment in the chest-bulgers was born out of insecurity – but this wasn’t explored.

Another area that wasn’t dwelled upon was a bizarre and remarkably awkward sequence in which we seemed to hear something about sexual abuse. It was so strange I had to rewind and check I’d heard right. When talking about her first, apparently unsavoury modelling shoots she said ‘worse things have happened to me’. Then, when Morgan asked what she meant, she expanded with the gnomic: ‘in a park’. She then began to yelp a little before composing herself and saying ‘just some weirdo in a park’, alluding to sexual abuse with the scantest details, garnering sympathy from the audience for something they probably weren’t even sure they’d heard right. Watching this weird little sequence felt grubby for multiple reasons, none of which I can quite place.

After superficial discussion of her disabled son, reality television and wealth, the conversation was wrapped up. The promise of depth and insight went sadly unfulfilled. But there was no room for disappoinment. If you’d tuned in to a show like this and found anything profound within, you’d have the mental faculties of a child or an infantile pensioner.

So I’m not sure exactly what I was expecting.

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89 Responses to “Piers Morgan’s Life Stories: Katie Price”

  1. Edna Welthorpe Says:

    I caught the end of this as I was in the bath, and I was glad I was, as even the last 15 minutes made me feel grubby. The massive round of applause the details of the inaugural Andre/Price blow-job was given depressed me deeply. Not much better was her manager’s revelation that Price loves it when her daughter cries when she leaves the room as ‘she wants her to grow up to be a real mummy’s girl’.

    If I was the child, I’d cry when she entered the room. I find the woman hateful, selfish and totally lacking self-knowledge. Awful.

  2. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Funny you should stone ITV so heavily because the programme’s a continuation of ‘The Darker Side Of Fame..’, made by the BBC.

    The whole thing smells of Max Clifford to me really, although I don’t think he represents all of the featured guests…

  3. Swineshead Says:

    ‘I give him a blow job in the toilet’ – that line still haunts me Edna.

    Dave – The Dark Side of Fame was a superior programme, but only just.

  4. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Ha-Ha Swinesy old boy. Saw your comments in the Guardian regarding squirrels.

  5. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    This squirrel story just reminds me of High Windows – Larkin.

    What I tell every disenchanted teenager is go and join the French Foreign Legion.

  6. ugeine Says:

    Squirrels comment?

  7. Swineshead Says:

    No idea.

    Squirrels comment?

  8. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Yep..it comes in another comment later on after you have mentioned the black and white animals.

  9. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Swineshead – seriously, man – you should take jonathans advice, I just tried to smoke my first skunk, but lit the wrong end and he bit me on the nose. Now he’s stomping around the house in my boxers, kicking open doors and demanding sunday dinner. I want to punch him. Who have i become? I wish I’d stuck to squirrels…”

  10. ugeine Says:

    Fuck knows. Jordan occupies a weird niche, I’ve never known her to be famous for anything apart from the fact she’s Jordan. Wherever she came from, she seems to have popped into the public sphere fully formed as Jordan.

  11. Nick T Says:

    Morgan and Price, I’d rather stab my eyes with a rosemary spear…..

  12. Swineshead Says:

    Ah – I see. The skunk thing… I just read the Mail article about the young man who can’t stop eating skunks. He seems like a decent, if slightly irritating, young man.

  13. Swineshead Says:

    Hooray! Sally from West Sussex just used the phrase ‘why can’t they just go back to their own country?’ on The Wright Stuff.

  14. Swineshead Says:

    And got justly chastisted by Wrighty.

  15. ugeine Says:

    I nearly joined the UK pro cannabis league thingamagig last night, but they were asking for 25 quid and I couldn’t even see what they were doing about things. Bloody politics.

  16. Nick T Says:

    Ha http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/group.php?gid=40310851810

  17. Excelsior! Says:

    How anyone can possibly find the Jordan creature attractive is beyond me. She bares so little resemblance to an actual human being, im suprised Andre dosnt get repeatedly accosted by the RSPCA for keeping a deformed monkey as a pet.
    Bleurgh.

    And Piers Morgan? PIERS MORGAN?
    If Jeremy Clarkson did nothing but run over tigers in an suv for the rest of his life, he would still go to heaven, by virtue of the fact he punched Piers in that sack of potatoes he uses for a face.

    A plague o both their houses

  18. Napoleon Says:

    I can never make my mind up about Piers Morgan. Is he as oily a piece of shit as Max Clifford, or oilier?

  19. indy Says:

    i bought “the insider” three years ago but still haven’t managed to get through the first 80 pages. that morgan surely deserves the wrath of clarkson.

  20. Swineshead Says:

    Not as oily, I’d say. Very few are as oily as the CliffordMax.

    The CliffordMax is oil through and through.

  21. Swineshead Says:

    Clarkson is definitely less oily than Morgan. I would back Clarkson in a cocks-out fight to the death.

  22. Napoleon Says:

    Didn’t Max Clifford once claim he invented the ’60s?

  23. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Would you all go back to your own country’s please!
    (Except Breeks).

  24. Excelsior! Says:

    Im about to watch that horne and corden thing. Im trying to keep an open mind, cos it’s wrong to come to something with the intention of hating it, but considering half the facebook status of my friends are slurs on their character this morning, im not expecting much.

  25. Excelsior! Says:

    Theyve sealed their fate within two minutes.

  26. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    I will stick up for Piers Morgan, because the Daily Mirror were steadfastly against the war in Iraq. Their “weapons of mass destruction number of days” gauge was courageous.
    Yes he’s a journo who seems to be a poor man’s Alan Wicker in some ways, but the aforemenentioned stance I for one will not forget.

  27. ugeine Says:

    When I think of Morgan I just think of that Chris Morris thing where he rings him up pretending to be Bono. ‘We’re going to be touring with NWA now.’ Brilliant.

  28. Swineshead Says:

    He did invent the 60s, Napoleon, in 1982.

    Horne & Corden – I totally forgot about it. I’ll watch it now on catch up (with an open mind and my pants round my ankles)

  29. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Whicker

  30. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    It’s almost as bad as Waterman saying he was the eighties.

  31. Napoleon Says:

    DINLT – Waterman was wrong. He was the ’70s too.

  32. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    What do we call the current decade?

  33. Excelsior! Says:

    the naughties

    although because its officially the future these days i tend to refer to the year as twenty o nine instead of two thousand and nine

  34. ugeine Says:

    The Noughties.

    Corne and Horden stood against the war on iraq?

  35. Swineshead Says:

    He’s right – it’s not a good start

  36. Who Says:

    I’m very worried about what are we going to call the next decade. I think ‘the teensies’. But this won’t work until 2011. Now I’m stressed. SH, I’m on my way round to yours to watch Horne and Corden with you. In my underpants.

  37. Swineshead Says:

    This sketch show isn’t really doing it for me

  38. Excelsior! Says:

    Just watched it to the bitter end. It didn’t raise a single smile. Many of the sketches seemed to rely on Corden being fat and/or loud and annoying. I’m too dispirted to atempt futher analysis.

    *Dies*

  39. Swineshead Says:

    Review coming soon.

    Everyone seems a bit subdued today…

  40. Napoleon Says:

    If you think that’s bad, you should have heard the mirthless, badly-written, leaden piece of crap I heard on Radio 4 when in the bath the other day. It was by some woman called Josie Long, and I was stunned that anyone ever commisioned it.

  41. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    It must be all the squirrel.

  42. Excelsior! Says:

    *bodges suicide attempt*

    Maybe they all watched Horne and Corden last night?

    *re-ties the noose*

  43. ugeine Says:

    Sounds like the advert delivered on its promise, at least.

  44. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Look, we all probably had a bit of red squirrel at university, but this grey squirrel is a different and far more stronger beast.

  45. Nick T Says:

    Josie Long crops up on the now show every so often and just brings it all down.

    The Dailey Mirror is probably against slavery but that doesn’t stop Morgan from being an awkward oily shit.

    *Goes back to Bargain Hunt*

  46. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-561946/The-pack-mutant-black-squirrels-giving-Britains-grey-population-taste-medicine.html

    And what is the government doing about it ? Nothing.

  47. Napoleon Says:

    I think it’s disgusting that these Muslims were protesting against our soldiers yesterday. Our boys are out there, risking their lives to bring democracy and freedom to Iraq and Afghanistan, and then they get that reception when they get home! If I had my way, I’d ban the bloody lot of ’em from protesting … and stick ’em in a labour camp to boot!

  48. ugeine Says:

    From Mediawatch on football365.com:

    Twatter Update
    Mediawatch admits it – we’re addicted to Stan Collymore’s ‘tweets’. Here’s one foul-mouthed (the asterisks are ours) exchange from Tuesday night:

    dbdc @ Stan Collymore: Jeez Stan .. shut the f*** up!!! U kno Twitter is 140 words … what you want is a f***n telephone conversation!!!

    Stan Collymore @dbdc: i will twitter as i see fit.you continue star f***ing.good day to you

    dbdc @ Stan Collymore: I aint the one who tried to make a career out of Star-f***in!! & b4 u say it – dont worry .. Im unfollowin – cant tke anymore

    Stan Collymore @dbdc: hahahaha,love it!

    Maybe he couldn’t spell ‘touche’.

    He’s a mentalist! And he likes WWM.

    Just like Dave.

  49. Nick T Says:

    They’re not my soldiers.
    My soldiers are dipped in my boiled egg.

  50. ugeine Says:

    It’s this governments fault, Napoleon. Allowing these Muslims their right to practice free speech? It’s just like Nineteen Eighty Four.

  51. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    I am actually re-reading 1984 at the moment. Read it at school and wanted to remind myself of Newspeak, Ingsoc etc. Whilst we are a long way from 1984, there is enough to draw some interesting parallels with today.

  52. ugeine Says:

    ‘And what is the government doing about it ? Nothing’

    Carnivorous squirrels huh? It was just a matter of time.
    Phil Mccockie, UK, 25/4/2008 15:04

    All those years you told me I was mad when I told you that squrriels will evetnually get a taste for human blood! And look at you all now!

  53. Excelsior! Says:

    One of the signs they had said something like Anglian Soldiers Are Cowards. Whatever you may think of the various wars, its a bit off to call a soldier a coward.

  54. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – How dare these people! You couldn’t make it up! Our brave lads have died to preserve the freedom of speech these bastards shouldn’t be allowed to use. YOU COULDN’T MAKE IT AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHH!

  55. ugeine Says:

    This is getting me so angry I literally have to post something on the HYS website.

  56. Nick T Says:

    I think your soldiers should go back to where they came from….erm… here

  57. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Wise words Nap. I mean the basis of our society relies on freedom of speech and right to lawful protest. And see what happens.

  58. Nick T Says:

    The reason why the grey squirels are so proloific is that they have the abilityto digest acorns before they are “ripe”. The red has to wait untill they have ripened. I know about stuff like this. I’m like a taller Bill Odie with a sunnier disposition.

  59. Napoleon Says:

    Coming over here (by way of their mothers’ vaginas in a British hospital), using our freedom of speech as if that’s what it’s for. Why don’t they see how far they get protesting against our brave lads back where they belong – in Luton!

    It’s an outrage!

  60. Nick T Says:

    “proloific” oh yes….

  61. Swineshead Says:

    Nappers – did you watch The Wright Stuff? Sally from West Sussex reflected the mood of the nation when she said ‘I think we should send them all back home’. She may have earned chastisement from Wright, but round my house she got a round of applause for her original and joined-up thinking.

  62. Napoleon Says:

    I did see the Wright Stuff and I agree they should all be sent back where they belong. See how quick they are to use their right to protest in Leicester, Birmingham and Bradford, eh? EH? A disgrace!

    *furiously writes to Daily Mail with spittle flying in all directions*

  63. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Well I have just seen a squirrel shamelessly climbing up a tree. No doubt completely high on unripened acorns.

  64. ugeine Says:

    The Mail actually penned an article the other day where they stated that they believed that second and third generation immigrants don’t count as British.

  65. Napoleon Says:

    You couldn’t make up how much this couldn’t be made up!

  66. Nick T Says:

    *tells black squirrels where Dave lives*

  67. Swineshead Says:

    they believed that second and third generation immigrants don’t count as British

    How does that work?

  68. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – Knowing The Mail it’ll have something to do with forehead measurements. It’ll be cartoons of monkey people next …

  69. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    It’s quite simple, flogging must be brought back. No doubt some elf n safety Nazi would be up in arms, and the PC brigade, and the Comp en say shun mob would also find fault. In the good old days a good flogging was a mark of honour and you were grateful if you were floggged. Indeed in later life, stilletto heels and black tights………..

  70. Napoleon Says:

    DINLT – You can’t bring back flogging because the EEC wouldn’t be able to make up their minds about which member state deserved the contract to make the whips. Needless to say, this sort of thing couldn’t be made up.

  71. ugeine Says:

    How does that work?

    It doesn’t work, nor do they explain it:

    However although the figures from the Government’s Office for National Statistics show an increase in numbers of foreign born people they still fail to record the true impact of immigration because they record their children as British rather than second or third generation immigrants.

    It was from a blog a few weeks back, the article has been removed now. Though liberalconspiricy penned a retort:

    http://www.liberalconspiracy.org/2009/02/25/so-who-does-the-mail-think-is-british/

  72. ugeine Says:

    Napoleon, I though you might have made that up then, but then I remembered that thing you just made up could in no way be made up. You couldn’t make up the amount on non-make-it-upness that’s in that comment.

  73. Napoleon Says:

    Ugiene – I didn’t make that up because you couldn’t make it up!

  74. Excelsior! Says:

    All this talk of not making things up because you couldnt make them up is political correctness gone mad.

  75. ugeine Says:

    I tried to make it up, and I failed.

  76. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Don’t get me started on the EC Nap. A free market amongst countries with a shared heritage and different languages, whereby the citizens are free to live and work anywhere in the zone that they choose, and to experience different cultures and views, based on fundamental principles of a peaceful future. Madness!

    The whips will be made here Nap. It will create jobs.

  77. ugeine Says:

    Making whips and whipping people is what made GREAT Britain GREAT, and now we give all our whips to immigrants who have only been living here since birth.

    YOU COULD MAKE IT UP.

  78. ugeine Says:

    Hang on, can you make it up? I’m not sure.

  79. Nick T Says:

    They claim ownership of the meat pie AND they call sausages “snaggs”.

  80. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Any if any Eastern European tries to take a job from a British whip maker, they get whipped!

  81. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    It’s quite simple, if your family name is not in the Domesday book, then would you mind leaving!

  82. ugeine Says:

    whippings are now regulated by Brussels, we can’t whip people now on whim as apparently it’s against their ‘human rights’. There’s only one thing for it: Forge a superimperial whip made out of Margaret Thatchers pubes and give the wole of Brussels a good whipping.

  83. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Ugeine – Thatcher’s pubes are made out of iron, aren’t they? No wonder Denis Thatcher’s anemia cleared up so soon after wedlock.

  84. Evangeline Says:

    I wondered about the Anglian soldiers. Is it just the soldiers from East Anglia that have upset them? Or the ones who aren’t properly British because they are descended from the Angles? I am puzzled.

  85. Mike Joiner Says:

    From the start the katie price interview seemed cheap and tasteless. Katie’s attempt to invent a new cashball with “in a park” made me want to throw up. morgan’s attemp to manipulate price into saying something trashy and then complaining that the public didn’t want to hear that exposed him as something cheap and trashy too.
    MJFJ

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