Horizon: How To Survive a Disaster

by

Apparently we’re all such sheep that, were a fire to rage through our place of work, we’d just sit idly through it as it licked at our bones – unless an influential individual told us to get out. Even worse: If your boss told you to stay where you were until they’d checked out the problem, you’d probably just stay where you were until they’d gone off and died of smoke inhalation, then sit there idly waiting for the flames to lick at your bones.

You mug!

This laziness in the face of danger was illustrated by the findings of the 9/11 investigation team, who discovered that a great many of the victims on that day decided, after the first plane had torn through their building and turned the very structure of the buiding to molten dribble, to finish off an email, have a chat with a colleague or pop to the loo before evacuating the building. It seems that modern panic in the corporate environment takes the form of a blank reaction – a wide open gormlessness in the face of certain death. Which is comforting.

Horizon’s terrifying ‘How To Survive a Disaster’ based its findings on, among others, facts gathered from the National Office of Statistics. They reckon that death from fire, suffocation and drowning aren’t quite as common as you might think and that, in fact, you’re far more likely to die from accidental poisoning or, even more worryingly, falling over.

Yes – slipping on something beneath your idiot shoes is a bigger killer than your humble road traffic accident. So get yourself to Clarks at lunchtime and buy something with a rugged heel. You’re playing silly buggers with your own existence if you don’t.

It gets worse. The likelihood of your getting stabbed by a marauding gang of hoodies, unless you live in Clapton, are pretty much miniscule. But we see evidence of this kind of death on the news all the bloody time, often over breakfast as we’re trying to retrieve a crust from a toaster with a wet knife, so our signals are crossed and mangled as to what’s more likely to cause our own personal extinction.

It gets even worse. According to experts, when you’re in a disaster situation, your brain is too busy distorting time – slowing it down so that you can make use of the vital seconds you have before you potentially bite the bullet – to actually function properly. Focus? Goes out of the window. Performance? Not a chance. Coping mechanisms? They burst. Basically, when circumstances collide to place you on the brink of combustion, you’ll be stuck to the spot watching yourself disintegrating in slow motion. A cheering thought.

So what can we do to avoid calamity? The experts say we should pay attention to their safety gumph when on planes or operating heavy machinery. But considering we’re all going to freeze up and freak out anyhow, I can’t see the point of wasting your final seconds reading forms. The answer’s simple. Don’t panic – just answer your emails and act as normal. Everything will be fine.

*SPLAT*

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148 Responses to “Horizon: How To Survive a Disaster”

  1. Nick T Says:

    You should hear the wee lovies complain when we have a fire drill here.
    They amble out moaning about getting their beloved trainers muddy or “what’s the point, it’s only a drill” The staff aint much better.

    (Keith Lard)

  2. ugeine Says:

    The fire alarm in my office goes off all the time anyway, so if there were a fire it’d take at least till we have burning bodies running through the halls before people notice.

    I remember a Bill Bryson article about something similar, in the New England Town he lived in, more people were seriously injured or killed (!!!) by their stationary and bedding then by murderers, stabbings, robbings etc.

  3. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Of course the best fire drill was in Fawlty Towers.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    Quite right DINLT…

  5. Clarry Says:

    How can anyone be killed by stationery? Death by papercuts? Actually that would be pretty grim way to go, but you’d have to be quite negligent…

    We always hide our faces from that bit in Jackass the Movie. Ugh!

  6. Thumper Plowman Says:

    Well I live in Italy, and whenever there’s a fire drill over here, people file out in an orderly manner and assemble at the designated points.

    Nahh, only joking, it’s like the bloody January Sales.

    I thought Arsenal were a bit poor last night, Swineshead.

  7. Nick T Says:

    I love the comment on the youtube clip.
    Where he explains what is funny abouty the clip we’re all just watched.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    They were very wasteful. That’s what happens when you play a mong like Bendtner in Henry’s old position.

    A decent shoot-out though. Couldn’t believe Kolo’s power penalty.

    Clarry? Thoughts on the match?

  9. Clarry Says:

    Think I linked to it before, but if Taratino made health and safety vids it would be like this (ignore the first minute or so).

    http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3993578102572669647

  10. breeks Says:

    morning all.

    yesterday a client assaulted one of my workers whilst security stood by and watched. they are not allowed to do anything to intervene for health & safety reasons.

    hmmm. curious.

  11. indy Says:

    *falls over*
    *survives*

  12. Clarry Says:

    Didn’t watch it SH – I was with my extremely bad tempered grandma last night. Well done though.

    Only caught glimpses of Liverpool on tuesday in between watching cricket, but they was acers.

  13. Excelsior! Says:

    Thanks for that Clarry, slow to start but it blooms into a brilliance.

  14. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Did anybody see that guilty look on Buffon’s face after he had clawed the ball back out from behind the post on Tuesday, when the Blues knocked out Juve?

  15. indy Says:

    *used to live in clapton*
    *survived*

  16. badgermadge Says:

    my new fave boots(TM) are very flimsy around the ankle and this (plus the fact that i have weak ankles too) makes me constantly go over on them when walking. tupper finds this hilarious as it makes me do a funny little jig and wail. one day i’ll actually break my ankle. and then how will he feel? hmmm?

  17. Swineshead Says:

    I read about a 5.5 inch heel that womenfolk are wearing these days.

    One word: Death trap.

  18. breeks Says:

    badgermadge. me too. did it this morning at the tube. hopefully tupper feels bad for me.

  19. Excelsior! Says:

    Didnt see this Horizon, but they did a similar thing abit a go about surviving plane crashes. It said the most common causes of death in a crash (excluding the ones that leave you, the plane and everyone on it a greasy smear) is burning to death cos your flailing legs broke and you cant escape. Cheering thought for those frequent flyers.

  20. ugeine Says:

    Breeks, re, Security: Eh?

  21. Swineshead Says:

    Best way to survive plane crash – don’t get on no plane, sucker.

  22. breeks Says:

    ugeine – like what i said. she got bashed, they stood by.

  23. ugeine Says:

    Because of health and safety? I work for a security company, and I’ve never heard that.

  24. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    I was getting off a train and a girl started running to get on the train. As her speed increased, she slipped as her heel went sideways. As she was falling, I managed to prevent her from falling over. As I gently lifted her back to her normal upright position, I asked her if she was OK? She said yes, she thought so. I looked into her eyes and she was incredibly beautiful. Releasing her, and checking that all was OK, she made it on to the train. I wonder if she thinks about me?
    I thought I would share that with you all.

  25. breeks Says:

    apparently. or fear of being woteva’d. anyway. it was shit.

  26. Swineshead Says:

    DINLT – you should have stuck your tongue down her throat and goosed her. I would’ve.

    *is currently serving time for indecent assault*

  27. Excelsior! Says:

    SH – thats all well and good but what if someone drugs your milk and bundles you on eh?

  28. ugeine Says:

    Breeks: Sounds like you have the single worse security company in the world. Do you know what company it is?

  29. Swineshead Says:

    Exelsior: Despite my ebony complexion, trim mohican and huge beard, i’ll forgive you for not realising I’m lactose intolerant. Fool.

  30. breeks Says:

    ugeine – Shit Security, inc?

    (no idea. they wear blue jumpers and appear to all have the same country of origin).

  31. indy Says:

    i have always considered security on board instructions a bit phony. it seems more likely that a plane crash would lead to a certain death than there is a chance that sitting with my head between my legs in the tiny space given by ryanair would save my life. i’ve thought of a dragons den pitch for a knife-like object sticking out of the seat in front of you in order to reduce the pain and make sure that one doesn’t survive in a vegetable state.

  32. badgermadge Says:

    breeks, knowing tupper he’d laugh at you too, the arse!

    but one day. one day i’ll die going over on my ankle and then he’s rue the day.

    oh yes he will.

  33. Swineshead Says:

    Indy – I always listen intently to those mad women with the life jackets. I’ve a feeling they might be on to something, for some reason.

    Similarly, if I ever heard the fire or panic alarm at work, I’d always be first out of the building. It pays to be a paranoid coward.

  34. Swineshead Says:

    Are we talking about Mr. Tupper Ware – the plastic box salesman?

  35. Napoleon Says:

    I didn’t watch this. Instead I watched an episode of New Minder I’d recorded from the other week. I’m pleased to report that it was just as shit as all the other episodes of New Minder I’ve watched so far.

  36. ugeine Says:

    Breeks: Looks like you need a security group with vision. Yes, a vision security group. *cough*

  37. breeks Says:

    Ugeine – maybe. probably. likely. yes.

  38. Excelsior! Says:

    Indy – no apparently if the plane dosnt blow up, which it often times dosnt, then the brace postion is v important because it’ll stop your puny limbs from snapping like dry sticks, leaving you sobbing and on fire, whilst everyone else is outside being seen to by sexy nurses and hunky firemen.

  39. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Ideally you want to sit over the wing, which is structurally the strongest part of the aircraft.

  40. badgermadge Says:

    sh, ha ha. he’s never heard that one before.

    tupper is the new mr badger.

  41. ugeine Says:

    Make sure you always travel with sumo wrestlers. Just in case.

  42. indy Says:

    Excelsior!: somehow i fear that the brace position will actually force my head into the seat in front of me and snap my spine. i am also afraid that adopting the brace position will have to force my parents to identify my burned corpse in a position that suggest that i died while performing autofellatio.

  43. Excelsior! Says:

    No Indy its ok, they used science to prove it.

  44. ugeine Says:

    my friend was on a plane ride once. They had an engine problem and started going down. Everybody was screaming, praying, calling people etc so my friend decides to whip out his thing and start beating off. Realising that they’re all going to die, the other passengers do the same. Then, the plane turns out to be OK and they’re not going to die. When they landed, all the passengers agreed not to tell a sole.

  45. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    The Special One is making the news this morning!

  46. badgermadge Says:

    er… ok… so i feel i should mention my EXTREME fear of flying at this juncture.

    might just pop away for a bit til the subject is changed!
    x

  47. Clarry Says:

    Would you shit yourself or what?

  48. indy Says:

    ugeine: did they have time to “finish it properly” or did the plane stabilise too early? were the passengers given hot towels when they were done?

  49. Nick T Says:

    No Clarry, the photo is a fake.

    *continues lurking*

  50. ugeine Says:

    Indy: Fuck knows, it’s an anecdote from a Kevin Smith film.

  51. indy Says:

    anyone who’s seen the flight simulator of death sketch off the armando ianucci show? check it out on youtube:

  52. Clarry Says:

    Really Nick?

  53. Mel Says:

    *wades in a bit late*
    I had heard (from an unreliable source so may not *actually* be true) that the brace position does 2 things
    1) prevents limb breakage and subsequent burning to death
    2) In the event of really bad crashes, into mountains and such, protects your head sufficiently so as to allow identification of passengers through the medium of dental records.

    Of course, the safest way to avoid any accidents is to die, and then you cannot be hurt by them at all. Even resolving to stay in your house is dangerous, and so is resolving never to move, which could result in nasty explosions/ starving to death.

  54. Excelsior! Says:

    “This women had always wanted to lose half a stone and started eating lots of salad”

    Guffaw guffaw!

  55. Clarry Says:

    I don’t understand it when people are faced with disaster and choose to end it first i.e. leaping out of building during 9/11. Do you jump to your death to avoid burning to death or do you not jump and see if you can escape? Surely you have greater odds of surviving if you don’t jump plus I’d imagine that you’d be overcome by fumes before burning, so you wouldn’t know much about the actual burning. I also think that people who jump are probably not thinking straight and might be being a bit hysterical and following what other people are doing. Or is it a question of taking some control over a situation you have no control over?

  56. Mel Says:

    Clarry – my understanding of the jumpers in the WTC was that they had already had their exit cut off? Also, smoke inhalation is not a pleasant way to go, and leaves you choking and struggling. It is also likely that at least some of the heat will have reached you before the flames do, and this is also not pleasant. It is possible to be burned by hot air as well as it is by flames, and this will be hotter than the actual flames themselves. Thus in those circumstances, i would reason that it was reasonable to jump and not suffer slowly while you suffocate.

  57. ugeine Says:

    I always thought it was people that’d want to experience falling out of the sky before they die. i know I would have done the same on 9/11.

    Even if my office was the ground floor.

  58. Nick T Says:

    The pilot doesn’t have a hair out of place and his tie is still nice and tidy

  59. breeks Says:

    it’s great for me that i’ll never die so all this is academic, really.

  60. Mel Says:

    Are you a vampire breeks? Or a Zombie? or one of the other undead?

  61. breeks Says:

    nah, just deserving of unencumbered, comfortable and not-at-all-weird eternal life. not of the jesus-love kind, mind.

  62. Mel Says:

    I am not sure i would want to lie foorever. Old people seem to just moan that te youth of today dont understand them/don’t know they are born. Never mind having to maon about the youth of today, the youth of yesterday, the middle aged, the people of last century etc etc

  63. Nick T Says:

    I have made the same decision breeks…..

  64. Clarry Says:

    Nick, I was being sarcastic, of course it is a fake. I don’t suppose that the first reaction of anyone faced with such a perilous dilemma would be to reach for the camera.

  65. Mel Says:

    Although i wouldn’t be surprised in the you tube days Clarry, it is the same as the people that reach for their mobile phones to film fights instead of calling the police, or trying to stop the fight or something.

  66. Clarry Says:

    I don’t even think to use my camera to preserve joyous moments such as birthdays and weddings… I’d be too busy clinging on to look for my camera in the bottom of my annoying handbag that swallows everything, so that the thing i’m looking for is the last thing I find, so I have to tip the contents out onto the floor. I hate my handbag.

  67. Clarry Says:

    Plus Mel (re above debate about jump/not jump) I may be wrong but I think disaster situations bring out different qualities out in different people. You hear these amazing stories where people have been shot a billion times and stabbed and run over and drowned in a river and they just keep going for some reason. I think that some people panic and do the first thing that enters their heads, without thinking it through. I’m not saying that the poor bastards in 9/11 on the 126,873 floor had any other choice – but I think I’d try anything other than jumping – like running head first into a filing cupboard to knock myself out, or ask a colleague to put me out of my misery with some stationery. I couldn’t jump.

  68. indy Says:

    mel: the jumping – not jumping – inhaling fumes – burnt by air – burnt by flames

    ever considered running through the fire? the animal reflex. that’s the option i’m going for if i had to.

  69. indy Says:

    clarry: just like 50cent?

  70. Nick T Says:

    You’re thinking of Bruce Willis Clarry….

  71. Mel Says:

    Indy, i was not aware i had to consider what i would do in the WTC. I wasn’t there, and thus, fortunately did not have to consider it.

  72. breeks Says:

    i went to the wtc site when i was in NYC recently and completely and utterly unaffected by it.

  73. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Indy – The animal reflex to run? What about the animal reflex to sit in a sweltering office block whilst hearing the creaks and screams from above, knowing you’ll either burn to death or mercifully fall unconcious and then burn to death?

    We’re all Superman in our minds, Indy.

  74. Mel Says:

    Not me Dave, in my mind I am Wonder Woman.

  75. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Well, in my mind, I’m Helen Slater from Supergirl. Read nothing into it, you hear?

  76. indy Says:

    breeks: i was in ny over christmas/new year and passed wtc/ground zero. it was a mess and they where very aware of it. apparently some people get there to weep and moan and they where disturbed by the fact that there were builders working there and doing typical “builders stuff” (drinking and throwing cans of coke, whistling at ladies, having a joke, being lazy from now and then). therefore they had forced the construction company to put up posters and flags so one cannot (yeah) see the ground zero site.

  77. indy Says:

    dave: superman? i would go for übermensch but ok, superman it is.

  78. indy Says:

    dave: “Well, in my mind, I’m Helen Slater from Supergirl..”

    in my mind, i’m kat slater from ‘stenders.

  79. Mel Says:

    Indy: You’re not my muuuuuuvvvvvvvaaaaaaaah!

  80. Napoleon Says:

    It’s just a hole in the ground. What’s the point of going to look at it?

  81. Clarry Says:

    Have you never watched I Survived on the Crime & Investigation Network? Fucking hell some people either REALLY want to live or are incredibly lucky. I definitely think some people are destined to survive with extraordinary clear thinking in times of grave danger. I remember reading about a woman kidnapped by a serial killer in the UK and the amazing things she did to help catch her kidnapper when he let her go. E.g. when she was blindfolded she counted in head-seconds how long it took for her to be transferred from the point of abduction to her captor’s home and noted the colour of the man’s curtains and his car so that the police could find all the homes in the search area matching the description. She also bit off her fingernails and hid them under the carpet so that there was DNA evidence she’d been in the house, and picked up lots of fibres from the carpet so that there was evidence on her where she’d been. She also befriended her captor so that he’d release her instead of kill her like he had all his other victims. I would be terrible in such a situation.

  82. Napoleon Says:

    I’d get murdered the first time I farted.

  83. Mel Says:

    I thought that your farts were murderous, thus facilitating your escape nappers?

  84. Napoleon Says:

    That’s a point.

  85. Mel Says:

    that qualifies you as having a better in built defence mechanism than most of us. You don’t even need to be superman in your head.

  86. breeks Says:

    nappers, more powerful than a stink bug.

    kudos.

  87. Mel Says:

    Are they really that bad Breeks? i would have thought that skunks were worse

  88. breeks Says:

    well, skunks are cuter. i thought bugs more apt. they’ve got external armour, too.

  89. Nick T Says:

    Reall Clarry?

    *makes notes*

    *plots*

  90. Mel Says:

    Well, that’s true, but i think the stink oof a stink bug is only a problem for us and our weak senses of smell if you step on loads of them. And it is not persistant, whereas skunk odour is pproduced in anal scent glands and is difficult to get rid of.

  91. breeks Says:

    ooh, i forgot the anal connection.

    fan-scat-stic

  92. myopiniononstuff Says:

    What about those fart sprays you get in a can at didgy joke shops? I’d go against a skunk with one of those any a day.

    I attacked my mate with one as a kid and a freak change in the wind caused me to smell of shit hot pot ofr days afterwards.

  93. Mel Says:

    Dave, there is this thing called a shower in most bathrooms. One can stand under it and turn on water , apply it to skin with soap and get clean. Go and look in yours, if you do not have one, loook at your friend’s house. I am sure this advice will come in handy should that situation ever arise again.

  94. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Mel, that’s the point, isn’t it? You can’t shower the bastard away. You obviously haven’t dealt with fairground fart spray.

  95. Excelsior! Says:

    He’s right mel, that stuffs made from pure bad science.

  96. breeks Says:

    remember that joke soap that looked white but when you used it made you dirty?

    remember?

    man, shit joke stuff. i loved that stuff.

  97. Swineshead Says:

    We’re getting loads of visitors googling ‘Horne & Corden review’.

    Like… loads. And loads.

  98. Excelsior! Says:

    This is it SH your gonna be famous………..

  99. Excelsior! Says:

    They probably just want to see the discussion about eating meat, where Napoleon was wrong and lost.

  100. Mel Says:

    well done.

    I wont be writing a revew of Comic releif for you. Unless i can do it now

    CR: Leave work and get accosted by a number of idiots doing something funny for money on your way home, Boring, old jokes, some projects in Africa, some projects on council estates, more old jokes, the thing you thought might be good and stayed up half the nuight for turns out to be rubbish. Fin.

    There you go SH, hope that helps with the google hits.

  101. breeks Says:

    i am not working tomorrow which is brilliant as i can avoid the rush hour medical-student-style-hilarity of people being ‘wacky’ (wacky people must die) in wigs and jingling fucking buckets in my face.

    FUCK OFF. they provide me with no comic relief whatsoever.

    none.

  102. Mel Says:

    Completely agreed Breeks. I don’t even live in the UK anymore, and i had a colleague come round asking me what funny thing i am doing for money.

    I wish i had badger madge’s t-shirt from the other day to wave in her face.

    I give to charity regularly, they do not need to get people to be kerazy/zany/whacky (yes, agreed on that too, they must all die) in order to encourage these payments.

    That said, i will give them money, because the projects that they do are actually good, even if the TV fundraiser concept is well past it’s use by date.

  103. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    I shall do what I do every comic relief day and that is completely ignore it.
    (People do not seem to have those damn silly noses on their cars anymore do they?)

  104. Napoleon Says:

    I always buy one of those enamel nose badges and then end up donating on the night thanks to drunkeness. Still, it’s not as if I miss the money, and the lovely Christine off of The One Show has shown me my money goes to a good cause …

    … the good cause being special films of ‘er wearing shorts and sweating in the African sun … PHWOOOOAAAR!

  105. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Am getting through 1984. Really recommend the good people of this site to (re) read it.

  106. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t need to re-read it, DINLT, I’m living in it! You couldn’t make it up, could you?

  107. Swineshead Says:

    CCTV, yes? Big Brother, yes? IT’S ALREADY HERE, DINLT.

    WAKE UP.

    Napoleon – agreed, they should keep Christine out there as Africa correspondent with a daily fifteen minute report (ideally filmed during the hottest hour of the day)

  108. Napoleon Says:

    And maybe in one of those skimpy little summer dresses … or showering … yes, showering …

  109. Napoleon Says:

    *slinks off to bathroom*

  110. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    What about re-writing government statistics to make it look as though the state is doing a good job?

    That doesn’t happy does it?
    Nor populist stuff for the proletariat?

  111. Excelsior! Says:

    No DINLT that can’t happen. Gordo’s got this moral compass see? It would never allow it.

  112. Mel Says:

    Yes, Neo labour – looking after your liberties, so you don’t have to
    *raises left fist*

  113. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Mel, your rabid daily mail reader calls them….zanu liebor.

  114. Nick T Says:

    ZZzzzzzz

  115. Mel Says:

    Thanks for that DINLT. D’ya reckon i can sell them that as a headline?

  116. ugeine Says:

    I’m dressing up as a beastie boys sabotage cop tomorrow. Whatever you people think about comic relief, hey, it beats working.

  117. Clarry Says:

    What I hate most about Comic Relief this year is suffering that pillock Chris Moyles now he is all pious following his conquering of Mount Kilamanjaro. THAT Mel makes my piss boil…

  118. Clarry Says:

    Kilimanjaro obv

  119. Swineshead Says:

    As I work alone, I am going to go to work in my pyjamas tomorrow.

  120. Excelsior! Says:

    Chris Moyles is getting his own TV show. Some kind of comedy panel thing i think.

    *brings up lunch*

  121. ugeine Says:

    Seriously, why do people have a problem with people who participate in comic relief?

    I can understand the people that take it way too far, like David Brent in the office.

    Chris Moyles had a TV show, and it failed. So, for some reason, did littlejohns (you couldn’t make it up).

    Justin Lee Collins has a new TV show.

    A chat show.

    On ITV3.

    Thank fuck he’s in the gutter, the annoying bastard.

  122. ugeine Says:

    I’ve just got to the bit in 1984 where Winston comes home to discover he’s driven past a speed camera and got a speeding fine, and then he’s turned on the tv to find a Muslim presenting the news.

  123. Clarry Says:

    CM (Chris Moyles not Charlie Mingles) is just awful. Giving him his own telly programme will just encourage him and make his big fat head grow even bigger.

    Speaking of CM, where the hell is he? Is he still ‘working’?

  124. Swineshead Says:

    Well, in my mind, I’m Helen Slater from Supergirl. Read nothing into it, you hear?

    Dave… that is a truly worrying comment.

  125. Swineshead Says:

    Chris Moyles had his own tv show – produced by Chris Evans – the poisoned chalice of producers since the mid-90s.

  126. Clarry Says:

    Did he? I must have erased it from my mind.

  127. Excelsior! Says:

    Well he’s getting another one. It seems we really are doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past.

  128. Swineshead Says:

    Moyles is the antithesis of ‘Made for TV’

  129. Clarry Says:

    If I win the lottery E, I will pay to remake the health and safety vid I linked to earlier, and will cast Moyles in it. Except it won’t be camera trickery…

  130. Excelsior! Says:

    As the forklift drags round his horibly mangled body, can it play the Benny Hill theme?
    Its one of the all time greats. That and and the music that every 80’s film had that went bum bum ooooooooh yeeeeeeah

  131. Swineshead Says:

    Is that a Yello tune. The Race?
    *googles*

    Yes?:

  132. Clarry Says:

    EXACTLY E! We could do a weekly remake with whichever annoying people we hate that week. Moyles and all his stupid sleb drinking buddies can feature in the first one.

    Who’s next?

  133. Clarry Says:

    It can be a like a cross between robot wars and celebrity death match – the contestants can use each other for defence against the forklift of doom. Points are awarded for creativity, but ultimately the forklift will win.

  134. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Didn’t he have that show on Channel 5 thatw as shit, Swineshead? I think he was soon replaced by that Irish Hills Have Eyes extra, Dara O’Briain.

  135. Excelsior! Says:

    That FUCKING STUPID dead terrorist puppet on one fork and his handler on the other.
    Thats who.

  136. Excelsior! Says:

    *googles*

    Nearly SH. It was this one i meant.

  137. Swineshead Says:

    You’ve lost me, Exelsior.

  138. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Shit! Just remembered I’ve promised to play folk music infront of Scotch people in a Scotch hotel called ‘The Bruce’ tonight. Why did I do that?

    *wanders off to get drunk beforehand*

  139. Excelsior! Says:

    That music was in every film made in the 80’s. Off the top of my head i can only think of Ferris Bueller and K9. But im sure its in every other film somewhere.

  140. Clarry Says:

    Oh yeah, good thinking, that’s well annoying… What is that all about anyway? The advert for the dead terrorist to be on your phone was the first i’d heard of it. Why, or more more importantly, who would want that on their phone? I suppose the same people that bought crazy frog one…

  141. myopiniononstuff Says:

    The Really Wild Show used it every week, I think. Ah, sweet Machala Strachan, how’d I’d love to approach the dressed as a Koala and have you tickle my tummy.

  142. Clarry Says:

    Dave you really are the most abhorrent creature.

  143. Excelsior! Says:

    Its a comedy skit that some guy (don’t know his name) does.
    As far as i can tell the whole comedy comes from the fact that, haha, people in foreign countires have funny names and, heehee, they talk funny as well.

    *collapses with the hilarity of it all*

  144. Excelsior! Says:

    Ooh tea time.

    G’nite all.

  145. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Mind your Language was an amaziing program.

  146. Clarry Says:

    NITE NITE

  147. Swineshead Says:

    She’s into orangutangs at the moment, Dave. Every Sunday.

  148. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I’ve already got the hair and frame for it then, Swineshead.

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