Comic Relief – Thursday’s Celeb Specials

by

A celebrity double bill then, kicking off with Kilimanjaro: The Big Red Nose Climb.

In this one off charity special, Chris Moyles and his celebrity mates climbed a mountain for the Comic Relief cause. Viewers tuning in expecting to see Gary Barlow tumbling down a rocky scene, shattering bones with each bump, were disappointed – as all he did was complain about his back. Those who set Sky+ in the hope of seeing a naked Cheryl Cole bathing under a waterfall will also feel let down by the fact that all she did was worry about her make up and walk like an upright stick-insect, unable to move a step unless a flunky held her hand.

Aside from that, this wholly unremarkable show featured Denise Van Outen being her usual chirpy self, Ronan Keating sporting his curtain cut in a variety of different lengths, Aleesha Dixon laughing like a hyena one minute then sobbing the next and Fearne Cotton feeling peaky.

So not a particularly eventful feature, particularly considering the build up the BBC had pasted all over their magazine shows this week. In fact, it was such a non-event that they felt the need to feature three ten minute appeals in the one hour running time to get some money in, presumably to wake viewers up and remind them that this wasn’t just a complete waste of time.

Immediately following the monotonous trek, Comic Relief Does The Apprentice lifted the spirits somewhat. There was, admittedly, an issue this time round. The Producers filled the teams with funny people (or in Jonathan Ross’s case, people who think they’re funny), with only one business-experienced individual on either team.

Rather than cause no end of hilarity, this resulted in Jonathan Ross on the boys’ team going into overdrive and steering his team like some terrible, cheesy dictator, his team becoming instantly timid in the face of his gigantic salary and influence.

The girls’ team split into two camps, causing some friction and an underwhelming argument between Patsy Palmer and an underwear magnate, but aside from that they bumbled through just fine.

The best line of the night came from Jack Dee – at one point perfectly executing his comic timing to complain about the amount of seats in the boardroom, then retract his outburst like a small boy.

Enjoyable stuff and for a good cause – but the real thing is coming soon…

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77 Responses to “Comic Relief – Thursday’s Celeb Specials”

  1. Napoleon Says:

    All big turds. Except for the second one, which I didn’t watch.

  2. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I want to know why Jamie Oliver thinks it’s okay to put strawberries into icing when food colouring would do the job just as well, the prentious twat of a man.

  3. Mel Says:

    Ooh Dave – you have just reminded me of the complete hypocrysy of Sainsburys donating money through strawberry sales – they are definitely not in season in the UK, which means that they will be grown in heated greenhouses and/or flown over to the UK. One of the things that CR funds is projects that help with the mitigation of the effects of climate change (Please note Mr H, that i am not opening up that debate here, but merely pointing out a disconnect), which will be exacerbated by flying over unseasonal produce to sainsburys to enable them to donate pennies (which is all that it will be) to comic relief, who will then spend those pennies on projects that help impoverished communities adapt to climate change and so on…

    *bladder whistles*

  4. Swineshead Says:

    Napoleon’s in a good mood today, eh?

  5. Mel Says:

    Probably because no-one’s congratulated him on his illustration for the soap blog. I like it, but the gay son reminds me of that bloke that used to win gurning competitions. It is almost uncanny.

  6. Clarry Says:

    When is real Apprentice back SH?

  7. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – I’m alright. Why? Am I coming across in a different way from my usual chipper chirpiness?

  8. Clarry Says:

    Looking at the above picture, why did the GA girls come dressed in weird bug costumes?

  9. Mel Says:

    Also, who is the blonde woman at the bottom right of this picture? Is she really famous?

  10. Napoleon Says:

    That’s Denise Van Outen, Mel. The one woman in Britain we can all feel pretty certain would take it up the wrong ‘un on a first date.

  11. Clarry Says:

    Mel – in the top picture? That’s Denise Van Outen – she’s famous for Big Breakfast, then dating Jay Kay, then being on Broadway/West End and now for Morrissons adverts. She’s the chirpy, cock-er-ney (‘cept she’s not) ‘tart with a heart’ girl next door.

  12. Clarry Says:

    NC’s right – she’s a dead cert for taking it up the wrong’un.

  13. Napoleon Says:

    She even did a late-night show called ‘Denise Is A Dirty Tart Wot Takes It Up The Wrong Un’.

    At least I think that’s what it was called.

    She’s a bit like a dirty Babs Windsor with a better face and tits.

  14. Mel Says:

    Well i never, i know who she is, but she doesn’t look like she does in my head anymore.

    Funny, i am having a similar conversation about girls that put out on a first date with a friend of mine. DvO was mentio9ned as ione that would too!

  15. ugeine Says:

    Speaking from experience you lot?

  16. Napoleon Says:

    If only, Ugeine. I used to love ‘watching’ Denise of a morning on The Big Breakfast. Some days, I ‘watched’ more than once.

  17. Excelsior! Says:

    Its plain as day ugeine. Its written all over her face.

  18. Nick T Says:

    I’m quite looking forward to sitting with a few bottles of wine and watch comic relief.
    Will Delbert Wilkins be in it? He was very funny. That “lefty” in the black shinny suit from Saturday night live who dries his hands on his jeans with his catchphrase of “a little bity of politics”. Hysterical

    *turns into Naps*

    Eats sausage*

    *vomits*

    *eats more sausage*

  19. Napoleon Says:

    I can’t wait to see ‘Loadsofmoney’ again. He had this wad of money, see, and he used to shout,

    “I’m Loadsofmoney, and I’ve got loads of money!”

  20. ugeine Says:

    Napoleon: I can’t stand that type of highbrow comedy on television. It alienates people like me, the common man.

  21. Swineshead Says:

    No doubt there’ll be a red nose Mans Behaving Badly special! I love that show. Neil, Morrissey and Clunes lagering it up and talking about Kylie’s arse with red noses on!

  22. Napoleon Says:

    I like the bit where Dawn Frenchy kisses Huge Grant and then Chris’s Evanses come on and throw water at Lenny’s Henry.

  23. Mel Says:

    SH – has there been a digest this week?

    Did the postman nick my birthday digest too?

    What about a comic relief skit where Richard Madeley does ann impression of Ali G? I am right looking forward to that one

  24. Nick T Says:

    “I want to buy a hedge” marvelous!

  25. Mel Says:

    Nick – those are *my* squirrels you are smoking.

  26. Excelsior! Says:

    Forget all that old shit grandpa, its time for the new kings of comedy – Horne & Corden

  27. Swineshead Says:

    Sorry Mel – I cancelled the mailout this week as my hyperskunk experiment went awry.

  28. Swineshead Says:

    The Robbie Williams sketch they keep trailing looks fucking hilarious.

  29. Nick T Says:

    Spit the dog?

  30. Mel Says:

    Oh, ok, i am experiencing yahoo issues, and was wondering if the mailout had fallen foul of these problems. So, we can conclude that you are like that wastrel bloke that blamed the weed for being a lazy arse in the Horizon programme eh? That or a teenager. Did you see that apparently teenagers may have some physiological reason for sleeping more? as reported in much of the British press this week.

  31. Nick T Says:

    I do genuinely feel sorry for Lennie Henry. He seems like a nice guy but just not funny. No wonder he has to stay in those dreadful hotels……

  32. Clarry Says:

    I don’t know if I can make myself watch tonight. Is Corden really on it? And Robbie Williams? Mr SAS (serious adult syndrome I AM AN ARTISTS OKAY! LEAF ME ALOWNZ) Really?

    RW is my criptonite.

  33. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I raised money for some Nepalese family to buy a water buffalo, and got my name on screen for doing so. My fame darted across the ticker tape for 0.1546 seconds in 1994 and remains the highlight of my life to this day.

  34. Clarry Says:

    Kryptonite?

  35. Napoleon Says:

    I sponsored a panda once. A waste of money.

  36. Swineshead Says:

    I fancy some crisps tonight. You can’t blame Superman for his weakness.

    Mel – yes. It has turned me into a humourless, lazy cow – which leads me to suspect Julie Myerson was nicking her son’s stash.

  37. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I sponsered a child in Zimbabwe and had a picture of him in my room until I was ten. Sickening stuff.

  38. Nick T Says:

    I’m having a piece of water buffalo horn fitted to my guitar today.
    Thanks Dave!

  39. Nick T Says:

    Absolute sweetie on Kyle!

  40. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Nick, they made me play folk music in a public place to public people last night and it was the most horrific experience of my life, how do you manage it?

    A man of my generation performing Rosemary and Thyme and Kentucky Rain at the request of Scotch drunks, it’s not right.

  41. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Uganda not Zimbabwe…does it matter?

  42. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t think it does, Dave. Unless it was Idi Amin in child form.

  43. Nick T Says:

    It takes a few years Dave and the drugs used to help.

    Try doing your own stuff, it’s terrifyinginging

  44. spot Says:

    I remember Loadsofmoney”. I thought he was very good.
    Can anyone remind me what his catchphrase was?

  45. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I inevitably got a little bit too into it after a few real ales and started playing…..Amy fucking McDonald.

    My.Sweet.Christ. Why would I do such a thing?

  46. Nick T Says:

    Was it “‘ello everybodypeeps”?

  47. Nick T Says:

    Beer makes fools of us all Davee….

  48. Napoleon Says:

    Spot – He’d come out and say:

    “I’ve got loads of money!”

    Then he’d wave his big wad of money at the audience and tell them, in no uncertain terms, that he had:

    “Loads of money!”

    It was even funnier than when Ben Elton talked about fannies and rubber johnnies.

  49. spot Says:

    Was it not something about “the pound in your pocket…”?

  50. Napoleon Says:

    It might have been. Unless it was about his friend John having a new motor?

  51. Mel Says:

    I thought he said “shut your maaaf an look at my wad!” quite a bit too.

  52. Swineshead Says:

    Do the funky gibbon.

  53. Mel Says:

    Actually, i think the Goddies would be good on CR – i remember i used to love them as a kid, but i didn’t get that they were often being political back then.

  54. Mel Says:

    Tsk, Goodies, obv.

  55. Nick T Says:

    I prefer Goddies Mel.

    There’s a whole post just there.

  56. ugeine Says:

    The Goddies! [a family dining room]

    Dad: gee, I sure hope my lovely Christian wife has cooked me a nice dinner!

    Mum: I sure have dear. Look, it’s a lovely pork chop and some vegetables.

    Dad: Clandestine whore! Know you not it’s against the bible to eat unclean meat?

    *dad slaps mum with a crucifix, audience laughs*

    *enter son*

    Son: Hey dad, my friend Jane is here for dinner!

    Dad: Hello Jane, now please say the lords prayer backwards three times to prove you’re not a witch.

    Jane: Umm…

    *dad grabs jane, ties her to a steak and sets her on fire*

    Dad: Well son, she’s pretty hot for a pagan!

    *audience laughter*

  57. Mel Says:

    Godis in swedish means sweets. I have been trying to make something out of this and the relate it to the funky gibbon song. I failed.

    I guess it would have been a bit obscure anyway. Only Indy and I would understand the word, and i guess he probably wouldn’t get the reference.

  58. badgermadge Says:

    Yes I LOVED Jack Dee’s “fire the chair person” quip. That was the highlight…

  59. badgermadge Says:

    SH does the mailout cancellation also mean the non-appearance of my awesome t-shirt comment?????

  60. Clarry Says:

    You’ve been robbed BM. I’d demand a public enquiry.

  61. Clarry Says:

    P.S can everyone please watch ruddy Red Riding this weekend so I can talk about it next week. PURLEEZE?

  62. ugeine Says:

    What is this red riding?

  63. Swineshead Says:

    Ugeine – have yuu seriously not heard of Red Riding?
    BM – Postponed then! I’ll do it Monday…
    Clarry – I’ll watch it at some point – maybe tonight to avoid The Comic Reliefs.

  64. ugeine Says:

    Yes, SH, seriously.

  65. Nick T Says:

    Sure will Clarry

    *sniggers*

  66. Clarry Says:

    U – Have you got a telly?

  67. Clarry Says:

    N – You better had, otherwise i’ll write loads of spoilers on here and ruin it for you. Hahahhhahh ah ahhahhha hahah

  68. badgermadge Says:

    My name is Badger Madge and I’m not watching Red Riding and I don’t care about it.

    There.

  69. Mel Says:

    Ok, I will watch this weekend. I am off out now, to bars where no-one will be shaking buckets in my face

    Happy Weekend everyone

  70. ugeine Says:

    Clarry: No, I’m just here to make the blog look cool.

  71. Clarry Says:

    Mel – Have a good birthday weekend.

    U – Thought so. Surprised you haven’t heard of it if you watch Channel 4 ever, as it’s advertised about every 10 minutes on there. With red writing with all blood dripping off it.

    BM – It’s very good, but grim.

  72. ugeine Says:

    Sorry, Clarry, I should explain I barely actually watch channel 4, and I do all that’s possible to miss that stupid bastard E4 presenter.

    ‘Have a chuffing looksee at this tele fluff! We’re pinging some ruddy good programme cat right over to your tellybox!’

    *loads both barrels*

    If I’m watching Channel 4 I usually skip over to Sky Sports news in the advert breaks, or channel hop.

    Plus, I’m usually stoned anyway, which makes it hard enough to recall programmes, let alone adverts.

  73. Gilbert Wham Says:

    I would pledge money to see Moyles sent to Africa to have his feet hacked off by Hutu tribesmen with a machete. Shit, I’d start paying my licence fee for that…

  74. Napoleon Says:

    Nearly £58 million they raised in the end. The greedy fucking bastards.

  75. Clarry Says:

    I’m ashamed to say that all 800 hours of CR accidentally fell in my eyes on Friday night.

    MI ISZ…

  76. Swineshead Says:

    I saw all of Comic Relief too – and am now having withdrawal symptoms from not having seen any dying babies for over 24 hours.

    They laid it on a bit thick, is what I’m saying…

    Just writing something about it for tomorrow….

  77. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Sod the dying babies, I felt for Fearne Cotton when she went all faint in the hospital.

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