NewsGush: Forlorn Horne Angry at Media Scorn

by

Afternoon!

Matthew Horne appeared on both BBC Breakfast and ITV’s This Morning today to talk about the sketch show he made with the other one. He was relaxed by the time he hit the kitchen in This Morning, possibly after a good fluffing from @Schofe, but on Breakfast he was a ball of fury, hitting out at his critics in the media.

His main concern was that the viewing figures were high, he said. Him and that other one (the big lad) made the show ‘for people and not for the media’. He said that the ‘backlash’ is not a concern and that people weren’t able to grasp the idea that these sketch ideas will develop over time.

I must have missed the frontlash.

Anyhow – I for one will be tuning in tonight to see how the Spiderman/Superman sketch develops. Will we see the bigger lad’s winky tonight, as well as his big arse? Will they make even more jokes about how the bigger one is not as thin as the thin one? And will we see the big one’s arse again?

One avenue I’d like them to explore is a gag about the weight of the bigger one – and perhaps have him falling over again, while grabbing his big belly and wobbling it about. Christ knows we haven’t seen anywhere near enough of that on our screens.

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137 Responses to “NewsGush: Forlorn Horne Angry at Media Scorn”

  1. Napoleon Says:

    Surely a grotesquely overweight man wobbling his belly about is groundbreaking, ‘cutting edge’ comedy, isn’t it?

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Whether it is or not, it makes me guffaw – so I’m hoping they expand on the theme a little more tonight.

  3. Matt Goodall Says:

    I’ve done a total u-turn on this fat knacker. I don’t have a problem with him being on telly at all, it just has to be ITV from now on. Where he rightfully belongs. The Beeb are playing cruel mind games, one minute it’s open palmed with films about dying children in Africa. Next minute it’s acres of this fanny’s pasty blubber. Neither are particularly funny.

  4. ugeine Says:

    Did I miss a meeting? Isn’t the media still staffed by people?

    I mean, most of them are arseholes to the point where you wonder if they even have a soul, but I’m fairly sure they’re humanoid.

  5. Napoleon Says:

    Oh, there’s no denying it’s a laff-riot. I just wish they’d have the fat one being chased around a park by nurses with big tits. And there could be a wee bald man the fat one pats on the head, maybe?

  6. fourstar Says:

    I’m with Napoleon. More busty nurses. And a talking horse.

  7. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I want to see the bigger one getting shaved by the smaller one.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    You’re all on the ball today… I can’t keep up.

  9. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – I work in the media and can confirm I am a people. Well, when I say ‘work in the media’, I really mean I occasionally push something under the media’s door … but I reckon that still counts. My editor’s definitely a people – he’s got a wife and kids and everything.

  10. ugeine Says:

    Just checking you lot haven’t been taken over by reptilians or something, NP.

    So when he said it’s ‘for the people’, he meant ‘for the people that don’t read newspapers / watch TV.’

    Or, what he really meant was ‘I wanted it to be a bit higher quality and maybe get a few good reviews in the papers but it’s a bbc3 programme and the commissioner wanted us to make it a bit more ‘lowest common denominator’ to appeal to the new teen demographic we’re trying to knick off of E4.’

  11. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Horne said he liked elves on This Morning.

  12. ugeine Says:

    Oh, forgot to add ‘and now it’s all gone a bit Ricky Gervais in Extras and I’m starting to regret doing a four month long Dawn French impression.’

  13. Swineshead Says:

    I think it was just rushed out, personally. I’m sure there’s more to them but they’re currently on television 24/7 and writing material in their toilet breaks.

  14. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – Herring was talking about that on his podcast. Or ‘Mr Herring’, if you’re celeb-toad Napoleon commenting on Andrew Collins’ blog.

    But yes – elves. I’d say he’s more of a pixie than an elf. Elves are tall, aren’t they?

    You’re a snotling, Dave. Remember them?

  15. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – Well quite a lot of the writers I’ve met are a bit lizard-like. I don’t know whether this is to do with a little something David Icke’s been warning us about for years, or whether it’s because they’ve pickled ’emselves with drink.

    You always get this blame game off of the rich and famous. They don’t mind it when they’re being praised to the hilt by the media, but the moment they produce something shit and the media turn on them, they’re whinging and moaning and saying guff like what this Horne numpty’s come out with. I’ll bet my balls he loved all the positive, gushing honey the media smeared all over Gavin ‘n’ Stacey.

    You can’t have it both ways, boys.

  16. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I’m not a snotling.

    Did you see Horne sample that beef wellington? That looked like a good bit of beef wellington right there.

  17. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – What’s wrong with calling someone ‘Mr.’? It’s hardly the kind of fawning, arse-licking crap you indulge in. ‘Following’ – like a pathetic sheep – the twitterings of the semi-famous, sending in text messages to radio stations and digging your tongue into the likes of Herrings’s arsehole. I was merely being polite. Plus, I really needed to know about them fish fingers.

    Turns out they’re Birds Eye’s.

  18. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Napoleon – Just think, he was on Nevermind the Buzzcocks but a few months ago and now, today, he has interacted with you regarding fish fingers on a blog.

  19. Napoleon Says:

    Obviously, Dave, any celebrity encounter is amazing for the likes of the starry-eyed Swineshead and arse-licking old me. It’s good when the gods deign us little people worthy of their time.

  20. myopiniononstuff Says:

    You might get a mention on his Podcast too, like my mate who they called a cunt.

  21. ugeine Says:

    If I ever see a celebrity, I’m going to be all like ‘Hey, celebrity, take your cocaine and fuck off to Shoreditch!’ And then I’m going to watch some Horne and Cordon because they’re of the people, yeah, not the media.

    Kind of like a fat Lenin.

  22. Napoleon Says:

    If I did, I wouldn’t know about it. I’ve only ever listened to one podcast, and that’s the WWM podcast we did last year. And that’s only because I’m in it. Egostistical, eh?

  23. Swineshead Says:

    I’m glad you’ve finally admitted you’re a fawning arse-licker, Mr Napoleon thur, yeth thur.

  24. Swineshead Says:

    That podcast is the best podcast I’ve ever listened to. The WWM one.

    I’m talking to Christine Bleakely’s people to try and get her on the next one.

  25. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – I’ve actually met some celebrities, would you believe? I met Richard O’Brien, and told him to get out of my way, I met Vic Reeves, and told him to get out of my way, and I met Harry Hill, and told him to get out of my way. I’ve also shouted at the man who played the Rancor Monster keeper in Return of the Jedi AND informed actor John Shrapnel that his name was ‘John Shrapnel’ in a book shop in Farnborough.

    Beat that!

  26. piqued Says:

    It is the best one, until the next one we’re doing, right lads? Lads?

    *stands alone in room with lights off*

    Lads?

    I’m scared.

  27. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – And I’m pleased you’ve not denied that you fawn over these people like a love-struck puppy. I bet you soil yourself when Mr. Richard Herring answers one of your pathetic ‘twits’ on Twitter, you twit.

  28. myopiniononstuff Says:

    My sister has a picture of Fireball XL5 signed by Richard O’Brien in her house because she won it in a raffle announced by him.

  29. Swineshead Says:

    I soil myself all the time anyway, as well you know Mr Nappers Sir, Sir, Mr Nappers Sir.

    *tips head and bows*

  30. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead’s right. The WWM podcast is the best podcast ever. I like that bit where we’re talking about television.

  31. Swineshead Says:

    I liked the bits I had to edit out because you lot went too far.

  32. piqued Says:

    Me too, in fact there was a bit about the Olympics knocking about somewhere that didn’t get in. I think the big cats at the BBC found it too contravershalls after we called up Andrew Sachs and called him a cunt puncher

    Next time we do one I want everything I say to be introduced by a power chord

  33. Mel Says:

    I thought you guys were going to do another? I guess it has gone the way of the digest…

    *runs away before they notice her bare faced cheek*

  34. Napoleon Says:

    There’s nothing fawning about calling somebody ‘Mr’. I’d call you ‘Mr’ if you weren’t beneath my contempt. And you look like a parrot.

  35. piqued Says:

    Mel, it’s my fault it’s been delayed.

  36. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – We’re planning one quite soon. Piqued and I need to come to an agreement about how many times I’m allowed to do a diarrhoea in his toilet. Once that’s ironed out, the second podcast will be ready to go. This time, we’ll be talking about TV.

  37. piqued Says:

    NC, April 4th is good for me

  38. Napoleon Says:

    Is it? And what about Swineshead, eh? Eh?

  39. Swineshead Says:

    Re: The digest…

    I’ll do one when i can be arsed, you confounded nuisance.

  40. Mel Says:

    well, i’ll chip in a couple of pennies for the mega bus, if you promise one thing. Last time there was a lot of laughing and sniggering, and then you would all talk at once. D’ya think you can limit it to 2 people talking at any given time?

  41. Napoleon Says:

    There’s no bloody pleasing some people …

  42. myopiniononstuff Says:

    When is the WWM merchandise coming out? I want a WWM bomber jacket and cap.

  43. Mel Says:

    I now have an image in my head of Swineshead shaking his fist at me like a scooby doo villain.

    I am sorry for being a confounded nuisance – feel free to ignore me. After all, i don’t have the attention span to think up content for a blog everyday, let alone do a digest and all that.

  44. Mel Says:

    Grrr. what is it with wordpress that it goes a bit fucky at this time every day?

    I hate being patronised by the comments section.

  45. ugeine Says:

    Next time we do one I want everything I say to be introduced by a power chord – Winner of ugeine’s post of the day.

  46. extremelisteningmode Says:

    We need James corden on the telly. he’s not on it enough.

  47. Mel Says:

    Ugeine/ piqued: Unlike the bloke in Red Riding 1980, who said too much and got introduced to a power tool…

  48. piqued Says:

    I saw that, Mel. The audio of the event chilled my boner

  49. Swineshead Says:

    Drill + teeth.
    Yow!

  50. Nick T Says:

    Was it a podcast or an audiofile?

    A swan does not a summer make…

  51. Nick T Says:

    or is it a swallow?

  52. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Josef Fritz the musical has already been made, I see.

  53. Mel Says:

    Nick, i am sure that is a reference to swallowing.

  54. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Two swallows, Nick.

  55. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Josef Fritz The Musical?

  56. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – Who fucking cares? It had sound, didn’t it? What do you want? Blood?

  57. Swineshead Says:

    It was both Nick – if you’re desperate I can send you the mp3 so you can cast it on your pod, you miserable shitbag.

  58. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    I can report that Spring is here. Forsythia out, Magnolias out, Crocus, Daffodils and blossom on trees all comin’ through. Can even some buds on the trees.

  59. Swineshead Says:

    Right – I’m off to watch another shit French horror film.

  60. piqued Says:

    ‘Was it a podcast or an audiofile?’

    It was a pediofile Nick

  61. Nick T Says:

    I’m not miserable.
    A little pedantic perhaps.
    I intoned that I liked it.
    What do you want?
    Two swallows?

  62. Swineshead Says:

    In the morning he’s incohorent, in the afternoon he’s pedantic.
    Who knows what the evening holds?

    You can have those lyrics for free, Nick.

  63. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve got it all in bits on my shitty, porn-riddled laptop. And that includes the infamous Olympics discussion none of you heard because Swineshead forgot to put it on the podcast. It’s got this bit where we all argue about sport.

  64. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Spring Equinox on Friday- Yey!

  65. Napoleon Says:

    I’d also like to remind Swineshead that I sent him my contribution to the most magnificent Singalonga in the history of Singalongas, and has it emerged, fully-formed and beautiful on You’sTubes? Has it arses.

  66. Mel Says:

    Does that mean the clocks go back on Sunday DINLT?

  67. Mel Says:

    Oh, that should be forward

  68. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – They go forward at this time of year, not back.

  69. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – See? You should pay attention to Mel.

  70. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Following Sunday Mel I think.

    *Spring forward, full back*

  71. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    fall back.

  72. Mel Says:

    Yes indeed nappers, we have always found that at least one of us knows what she is saying…

  73. Nick T Says:

    It’s a winner SH. I’ll put it to a single chord and pose ala’ Bonio.
    I was hoping for more “casting” but was left wanting.
    I was sucked into this digest lark too.
    What next?

    “Dear friend,
    Swineshead, Napoleon and Piqued have had their assets frozen by the government of Madeupnameia, and can only release them if you send them your sort code…..

  74. Nick T Says:

    Loose Women, what a pile of shit.

  75. Napoleon Says:

    Can’t stand Loose Women. For a start, I was misled by the title, and for another, they’re a coven of screeching harridans gossiping about shit all. Is that fat Nolan still on there? I always found ‘er a bit … well … MILFy.

  76. Mel Says:

    I have said it before Nick, but i will say it again loose women are a bunch of screeching harpies talking utter shit about nothing of consequence.

    Also, how come all the telly programmes that you watch seem to be on much later than i would expect them to be?

  77. piqued Says:

    ‘Is that fat Nolan still on there? I always found ‘er a bit … well … MILFy.’

    Oh God

    *vomits in hankie*

  78. Napoleon Says:

    Maybe Nick forgot to stick his clocks back / forwards?

  79. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Know the one I mean? The one with the brunette hair wot’s in those frozen food adverts with ‘er with the big tits wot’s always having a nervous breakdown for the benefit of That’s Lovely! magazine and its ilk.

    And do you need another hankie?

  80. Swineshead Says:

    You’re joking, Nappers. Surely?

  81. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – No. I’ve always had a soft-spot for the Nolans. Even old fat Nolans off of frozen food adverts.

    Let’s just say they wouldn’t be the only ones who felt like dancing should they spend a night out with yours truly. Because my best-not-thought-about would feel like dancing up their particulars too.

  82. Mel Says:

    Nappers, i thought the Nolans were in the mood for dancing. It was that treacherous frizzle haired annoyance Leo Sayer that was made to feel like dancing. I am not sure he would have the same effect…

  83. piqued Says:

    Come on SH, each to their own and all that

    *burns computer*

  84. Excelsior! Says:

    Ive always found Jane Mcdonald to have a certain older lady charm

    *hangs head*

    Not enough to like Loose Woman though. Steaming pile of shite.

  85. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – Sorry, you’re right. My how’s-your-father would also be in the mood for dancing up the Nolans’s well-I-nevers.

    Leo Sayer can go fuck himself, the traitor.

  86. Swineshead Says:

    I might never speak to Napoleon ever again.

    So – how’s everyone doing then? Apart from Napoleon, who I’m refusing to speak to because he fancies Colleen Nolan.

  87. Napoleon Says:

    I’m alright, thanks. I’ve just finished wrapping up this package of dog dirts and broken glass I’m sending to Colleen to show her how much I love her …

  88. piqued Says:

    *dances naked round burning computer screaming hymns*

  89. Nick T Says:

    This is your best pod-cast yet….

  90. Mel Says:

    Ah come on Swineshead, there must be some hidden skeletons in your cupboard.

    I will admit to fancying Gregg off of Masterchef when he still did Saturday Kitchen.

    Not as horrific as a Nolan maybe, but still a bit embarrassing nonetheless. You must have a Pamela or a Babs windsor in your secret bank somewhere…

  91. Mel Says:

    Wasn’t someone on here admitting to fancying Kat off of eastenders the other day?

  92. Swineshead Says:

    Not old Tucks.

    I’ve always, and to this day, had a thing about Floella Benjamin – does that count?

  93. Swineshead Says:

    Obviously I mean, ‘not old Swines’.

  94. Mel Says:

    Tucks? who is that?

    And yes, i’d wager Floella would count. As would Janet Ellis.

  95. Napoleon Says:

    Obviously, Colleen’s got nothing on the ’90s-era Keeley Hawes, Keira Knightly before she started resembling a 1980s male stockbroker or the deeply lovely, goddess-like Christine Bleakley. If I had my choice between these four, Colleen would come last on the list.

    But she’d still be on that list.

  96. Swineshead Says:

    Where would Floella come?

    (And don’t say all out of her fanny)

  97. piqued Says:

    Keira Knightly?

    She’d break with a gentle thrust

    I prefer robust ladies like Dal Winton

  98. piqued Says:

    Dale, of course

  99. Napoleon Says:

    I never fancied Floella, Swineshead. I always preferred Janet Ellis when it came to children’s TV presenters. Indeed, when the lovely Miss Ellis appeared on that dancing show recently, several childhood fantasies were performed before my disbelieving underpants all at once.

    She’s not my cup of tea, but I know a fella wot’s been obsessed with the Cadbury’s Caramel rabbit for years. He’d like to ‘take it eeeeeeeasy’ up her never-mind-all-that, the dirty sod.

  100. Nick T Says:

    Bisto mum, wassername?
    Was in Confessions of a Driving Instructor.

  101. Mel Says:

    wow. I used to have the HUGEST crush on Peter Davidson. I think he was actually my first crush. This is more to do with the fact that he was Tristan in All Creatures Great and Small than it was to do with him being Dr Who.

  102. Nick T Says:

    That sexy rabbit is celebrity lesbian Miriam Margolis…

  103. Swineshead Says:

    Tristan was the coolest in All Creatures. I thought he was King of Cool when I was a lad. And he was the only Doctor Who I could take seriously.

  104. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – I’m on about the seventeen year old Keira off of the first Pirates movie. She was a bit plumper then and … oh, hang on, is this legal?

  105. Nick T Says:

    “celebrity lesbian”

    (that should make it in to the digest :-|)

  106. Nick T Says:

    Odd….

    *FOH*

  107. Swineshead Says:

    17 is street-legal, Mr Napoleon sir.

    There’ve been a few newsreaders I’ve formed obsessions about in my time, most notably Zora ‘I’ve Got an Enormous Chest and I’m Not Afraid To Use It’ Suleman.

    I even missed work a few times so I could watch the rest of the appalling RI:SE in the hope of glimpsing more of Queen Zula’s mountainous terrain.

  108. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – Linda Bellingham? She took over as Mister ‘Erriot’s wife from some other woman, if memory serves.

    I preferred Seigfried. Not sexually, you understand, just for his blustering British ways and no nonsense approach to animal welfare.

  109. Mel Says:

    Bisto mum = Linda Evans. She was also in later series of all creatures great and small. I think i spent far too long watching that when i were a kid.

  110. Mel Says:

    Bisto mum = Linda Evans. She was also in later series of all creatures great and small. I think i spent far too long watching that when i were a kid.

  111. Mel Says:

    Bisto mum = Linda Evans. She was also in later series of all creatures great and small. I think i spent far too long watching that when i were a kid.

  112. Napoleon Says:

    Mel:

    Bisto mum = Linda Bellingham

    Linda Evans = Crystal Carrington off of Dynasty

    You clod.

  113. Mel Says:

    you are right. It wouldn’t have been so bad, but wordpress has posted my shame three times. Curses.

    It is clear that i spent far too long looking at Peter Davidson to pay any real attention to anyone else in the series…

  114. Napoleon Says:

    Speaking of Peter Davidson: Am I the only man in the world that watched every episode of ‘Campion’? It starred Davidson and the late, great Brian Glover and was either ace or piffle*.

    *Can’t remember which.

  115. Napoleon Says:

    No? Well … fuck you then.

  116. Mel Says:

    I don’t remember that one NC. You might be saying fuck you to wordpress, it seems to have broken again.

    I have been trying to confess a crush on Lee Ross, in his tenure as Kenny on Press Gang, but WP was having none.

  117. Swineshead Says:

    I remember Campion – started with a shot of some spectacles I believe.

  118. ugeine Says:

    Ellie Crisell – I would, I would, I would.

    Newsround has never been as arousing before or since.

  119. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – He was a detective in the ’20s, if memory serves. I think it came out at the end of the ’80s.

    Press Gang was a strangely addictive programme despite being claptrap.

  120. ugeine Says:

    And Konnie Huq. And Katie Hill. And Michaela Strachan.

  121. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – There was also Davison’s hand coming down a spiral staircase with Davison singing the theme tune over the opening credits.

    Unless there wasn’t and I’ve made this up.

  122. Excelsior! Says:

    Correct ugeine.
    How the Beeb can get away with putting such blatantly hot pieces of ass as Ellie Crisell, konnie et al on childrens tv i’ll never know.

  123. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – Is Ellie Crisell the one that reads out the news after EastEnders? If so, then I have to disagree. She’s a perfectly fine looking woman, but sadly has a very similar facial structure to a lad at our school called Gareth Jones. If you piled on a bit of facial flab, made her a gallumphing great clot of a man and gave her clown’s hair she’d be that fella.

    Ruins it for me I’m afraid.

  124. Mel Says:

    I always wondered why Davidson saddled himself with that wife he used to have. I used to hate seeing her on anythiing on account of her voice sounding like Minnie Mouse on helium. I could never fathom what it was exactly that made Peter want to wake up to it.

    On 13th street, the crime and thriller channel, he is currently starring in a 90s detective series where he is a rattled old detective, and he is friends with Sean Hughes, who is the bumbling foil..No idea what it is called.

  125. Excelsior! Says:

    I miss Alex Lovel, who used to do brainteaser. I missed many a lecture because of her and her lovely face.

  126. Mel Says:

    Katie Hill was always too much like a head girl for me to comprehend how any red blooded male could fancy her.

  127. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – That’s a good one is that. ‘Dangerous Davis’ … or something.

    Wasn’t his (ex) wife in that rubbish BBC Hitchiker’s series?

  128. Mel Says:

    yes, and i couldn’t stand to listen to her, NC. Got right on my tits she did. That was quite a feat back then, as i had not yet entered womanhood, so they were not the lovely pillows that they are today.

    She would not sound out of place on that Loose Women programme.

  129. Swineshead Says:

    What about Jasmine Lowson – ex Big Breakfast news anchor?

    I once met her in a pub.

    I was sat next to Piqued and I said ‘that’s Jasmine Lowson’.

    ‘No it’s not’ he says. So I walked up to her and said ‘Are you Jasmine Lowson?’ and she said ‘yes’ slightly put out, as though I’d interrupted something.

    The miserable bitch.

  130. Swineshead Says:

    What – that American out of Superman 3?

  131. Mel Says:

    Never meet your heroes SH.

    I met Johnny Ball once, he presented me with an engineering award. I thought he was lovely, so actually this anecdote does not hold water…

  132. Mel Says:

    Sandra Dickinson. That was her – was she in SM3? I have no idea about that either

  133. Swineshead Says:

    I met Bobby Gillespie and he pretended to shoot me with an imaginary gun. What a twat.

  134. Mel Says:

    maybe he was hoping that you would re-enact the fight scene from Spaced with him SH. Did he preceed that with something about the kiaora advert?

  135. Mel Says:

    Bloody Hell, I’ve been doing a bit of digging, and it appears that \Peter Davidson and Sandra Dickenson wrote and sang the theme to Button Moon. The things you learn through random conversations on WWM.

  136. Napoleon Says:

    The girl on Watchdog has Alan Partridge’s hair tonight.

  137. good kitchen tv solution for your kids Says:

    good kitchen tv solution for your kids…

    […]NewsGush: Forlorn Horne Angry at Media Scorn « Watch With Mothers[…]…

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